Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 9 - Here Comes My Girl - full transcript

Okay, the sales at Thanksgiving
is going to be insane!

We are talking about
full-on shopping orgy.

- We're gonna save so much money
by spending money.
- Yes, we are! Now the key

to a successful Black Friday
is the scouting trip,

where we locate, justify
and hide.

Okay? Locate --
this is a very cute t-shirt.

Justify --
I would wear this because...

- You could wear it
to buy other things.
- It would be perfect for that.

- Yeah, plus it's got that
really cool gun design.
- That's Africa, Laurie.

- So dumb.
- And finally, we hide it
so no one else buys it

- before the sale starts.
- I'm on it.



- Oh.
- So who's coming
to Thanksgiving this year?

Well, it's my first one
post-divorce,

- So I kinda wanna keep it small --
Travis, you and Andy.
- But I love big Thanksgivings.

You fill up your house with
family members you don't like,

pump them
full of cheap wine,

and you watch their lives
fall apart.

- Bobby and I decided to
separate last Thanksgiving.
- I remember.

- Where did you hide it?
- (lowers voice) In your car.

Laurie, shoplifting is not part
of "locate, justify, hide."

(normal voice) You shop
differently than I do.

Do you want me
go get it?

(grunts)
I already mailed them a check

which they will receive
on Friday

- when this shirt is half-price,
so this isn't stealing.
- Whatever you need
to tell yourself.



Jules, I can come
to Thanksgiving.

Oh, joy.

Dale had invited me
to his foster mom's apartment,

but I'm not gonna go,
mostly because her apartment

- is more like a rehab center.
Quick question --
- Dale can't come.

- Even just to --
- Even just to poke his head in
and say hi.

- But he shaved his rattail.
- Yeah, no.

- But he bought real pants.
- Still no.

So you're having the whole gang
over for turkey day, huh?

- Well...
- I don't really have any plans,

you know,
seeing as my wife left,

and all our friends
were pretty much her friends.

- Plus my parents are dead.
- Did they die
in the last six months?

No.

Then who cares?
Hand me my drink.

You don't have to fish for
an invite. I'd love you to come.

- I guess I could probably come.
- Did you just slap me
in the face with a "probably"?

Now if you wanna come,
you're gonna have to beg for it.

Yeah, I'll never do that.

- Yes, he will.
- I know. I can't wait.

So...there was a huge line
for the can.

I had to use the men's room
and I met a guy.

Can he come to Thanksgiving?

She said no, Steve!

Could've been the one.

Hey, J-bird.

Now you think you can make
real stuffing this year?

This instant stuff's
bush league.

You can't just assume
that you're invited.

What, you want me to eat
all alone on my boat

like a old Japanese man?

- I'm just -- I wanted
a small Thanksgiving this year.
- No, you don't.

(bottles clink)
All right, fine. I was
pretending to want a small one

so that when I buckled
and had a big one,

- I'd be known as the hero
who saved Thanksgiving.
- You think so much,
your head must hurt.

It does. It really does.

Not me.
(door opens)

Always free and breezy
up here, baby.
(door closes)

Hey, can Kylie come by
tomorrow?

- Her family doesn't really
do Thanksgiving.
- Aw, broken home?

- (singsong voice) Filter, Mom.
- Of course Kylie can come.

Not your call, Bobby.
Of course you can come, Kylie

But just know you're gonna
sit next to me.

- I'm gonna break down
your family a little bit.
- Bring it, Mrs. Cobb.

- I like this one.
- Thanks again.

Very welcome, Kylie.

Again, not for you to say.

You know, those two
are pretty tight.

- You had the doink talk
with Trav, right?
- Honey, I got pregnant
way too young.

I've been having
the doink talk with Travis

every 3 months
since he was 9.

I used to teach him by using
little stuffed animals.

I'd tape
tiny private parts on 'em.

Man, that bit me on the ass
that one show-and-tell day.

Yeah, Trav and I had
the father/son talk

when he was 16.
Oh, we actually didn't talk.

- You know, but I showed him
how to move his hips.
- Normally, I'd be mad,

but Travis really needs
the help.

- Have you ever seen him dance?
- Mm-hmm.

It's like he is
dodging bullets. Ooh! ooh!
(laughs)

Do you remember that
great Thanksgiving blowup

when your uncle Bud got drunk
and told your cousin

- she was adopted?
- She was 14 and Korean, Ellie.
On some level, she knew.

(door opens and closes)
Oh, hi, Grayson.

- Do you wanna ask me something?
- Yeah, you wanna ask her
somethin'?

- I can't do this.
- Come on, g-string. Think of
how much fun we're gonna have,

drinking beer, drinking wine
when all the beer runs out.

Come on, Grayson.
You must be great

at saying things you don't mean
to women, like "I'll call you"

or "I've never done this
before either."

Fine. (mumbles) May I come over
for Thanksgiving?

You know, I'm gonna
answer you like this.

Ohh! Ooh!

Uhh! God, it's like trying
to break a horse!

She won't let go until
you just relax into it, man.

(grunts)

(exhales deeply)
Okay, we're done.

(exhales deeply)

A-team,
what's with the burger?

Turkey time's
in, like, three hours.

Thanksgiving is a food marathon.
You have to warm up.

(bottle cap rattles)
This is like...stretching.

Want a bite?

No can do-sie.

Just got my cholesterol results
and I'm rocking three bills.

Still cooking everything
in that travel fryer?

G-A-C.

That's not healthy.

(birds cawing in distance)

Mmm.

All right, listen,
don't tell Jules, alright?

She'll get all worried
and caretake-y.

That info is locked up.

All right? Now hide that key
where I'll never find it.

I don't have to.
I trust you that much.

Wow.

(door opens)

What you got
in your hand there, champ?

(door closes)

It's just a...tiny pretend key?

Okay, ahem. Excuse me.

Quick announcement.

I'm about to bring Kylie in,
so I need you all to act

like normal human beings.

- Boo!
- I know. It's gonna be hard,
but I can help.

Mrs. Torres, Kylie doesn't
have an eating disorder.

She runs cross-country.
Think of a new opening question.

Mr. Torres, I don't care
how much you eat, let's keep

our pants buttoned. Laurie, your
breasts are bigger than hers.

There. I said it.
You don't need to tell her.

Neighbor guy,
I see you brought

your fruity little guitar.
Let's keep that holstered.

Mom, you have
multiple problem areas,

so when in doubt, just say to
yourself, "That's a bad idea."

And, Dad, I think
we both know it's best

you just don't say anything.

(clicks teeth)

That was a little snarky.

Yeah, he's just nervous.

It's the first time he's brought
a girl to a family thing.

So I think we all know
what we have to do.

...the whole, uh...

Hello?

Mom?

* Hi, Kylie *

(continues strumming guitar)
* Hi, Kylie *

(both, off-key) * Hi, Kylie *

Hi, Kylie.

Mom...

No, no. There's a big finish.
All right, come on.

(all) * Hi, Kylie *

(Bobby) Whoo!
Unbelievable.

Oh, cool it. She's still here,
aren't you, Kylie?

Kylie, awesome job surviving
the first wave of embarrassment.

I just gritted my teeth
and went somewhere else.

Thattagirl.
I'll grab you a soda.

For you ladies, I assume
two giant buckets of wine?

Red, please.

Half red, half white.

What? It's really good.

And that is a very cute top.

I mean, I clearly couldn't wear
it because of these puppies,

- But...
- Okay.

Leave her alone.
That's a nice necklace.

Are your parents rich?

Here you go.

Oh, thanks. Mmm.

Ahh. That first sip --

burns your throat
just a little bit,

but then when it hits your head,
it's like, "Oh, yeah."

Jules Cobb on drinking.

So...Kylie seems sweet.

She's pretty great.

Yeah. Are you having sex?

Wow! Just diving right in.

Courage. Oh, come on.
We're not like

other mother/son combos.
We're friends.

I know, but...are you sure
you wanna go down that road?

I think it'll be fun.

All right, well...

Yeah, I think Kylie, uh,

Kylie could be...
the one.

Aw.

But I'm really nervous
because I...

- You know, it's my...
- First time? Aw. Okay, um,

do you mind if I put the friend
thing on hold for a second

- and get on that mom train?
- I'll allow it.

Look, I know you're 18
and you're gonna do

what you wanna do, but, oh,
please remember that talk

we had about
just being ready emotionally,

and oh, my God, protection.
Do you want me to show you how

- to put a condom on again? 'Cause
we can get the rolling pin.
- I'm good.

Plus the rolling pin made me
feel kinda bad about myself.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, of course it did.

Well, thanks for being
so cool, Mom.

No problem. Hey, wait.
You just called me cool.

You mind
if I tell everyone that?

Go nuts.
The guys are gone, though.

It's their annual
"Let's pretend we're not old"

basketball game
against the neighbors.

[Kenny Loggins'
"Playing with the Boys" playing]

(cheering in slow motion)

* Playing,
playing with the boys *

(grunting in slow motion)

Yes!
* playing *

* Playing with the boys *

* *

* One of life's simple joys
is playing with the boys *

(cheering)

Calm down.
We're still up by 3.

- Shut up, Lisa!
- Andy, come here.
Get over here.

All right, don't get sucked
into her trash talk.

That's what she wants.
Now if we bear down,

- We can win this thing.
- Yeah, hope so. My guy's shoes
light up when he jumps.

All right.

Hands in. Let's leave it
all out there.

- I love you guys.
- One, two, three, win!

- Team!
- Defense.

(clink)
(both) Yes!

And I'll say it.
I'm glad we won,

but I'm even happier
Lisa sprained her ankle.

Remember this day, Andy?

I'm gonna raise
this summer sausage to you.

Nope. No more fatty foods
for you.

You can't die yet.
Travis needs you,

- and I don't have
a great black dress.
- You told her?

- Oh, calm down, gravy veins.
He told me. I told her.
- Why?

Because I wanna get
this par-tay started.

Come on. He betrayed you. Go.

Sorry, man. When I try
to keep a secret from Ellie,

I -- I get heartburn,
and just, it hurts so bad.

Off the couch.

- God bless us, everyone.
- I do not know how Andy does it.

No offense, but I could not be
with someone like you.

Everyone in the world like me
thanks you.

I guess you'll have to stick
with those...
(door opens)

middle-aged golf biddies
who are willing to spring

for tacos
in exchange for human touch.
(door closes)

Hey, Ellie, Happy Thanksgiving.

And, you, enough
with the 20-something bimbos.

It's pathetic.

What just happened?

Okay, this turkey should be
done in about 17 more hours.

So...you and Kylie just
chilling in the bedroom?

- Okay, weird.
- I'm not being weird.
You be weird.

It's not gonna be tonight.

I know, silly.

It's gonna be tomorrow,
when her parents go away.

Oh.

Tomorrow. My son's gonna be
making love tomorrow.

Congratulations?

I know when it's gonna be
and where,

and now that Bobby
taught him this hip thing,

I even know the basic rhythm.

One and two and one, two, three
and one and two and pause.

Dale is just like, one, two,
three, four, five, bam!

And then he farts.

Later. But you know what?

Travis -- you've had
a million talks with him,

- it's gonna be okay.
- In one of our friend talks,

he told me she's not even
on the pill.

- Condoms break all the time!
- Especially if
there's piercings involved.

Stop. I'm begging you.

I'm gonna be a grandmother
at 41!

- They're gonna put me
on the news.
- Keep it together, sweetie.

Not gonna happen.
(gasps)

What kind of mother lets
her daughter

wear a slutty cardigan like that
without putting her on the pill?

(whispers) Whore!

I'm not proud that sometimes
I hook up with women for food.

It's not my fault
every 24-year-old on Earth

has a daddy complex
and thinks my name's exotic.

- (chuckles) Still, we both know
it's not forever.
- Hell, no.

Someday I'm gonna find me
a real woman --

someone who looks after me.

- Yeah, and someone that helps
get me out of my shell.
- I don't wanna end up alone.

That would kill me.

Oh, whoa!
"Getting deep" alert.

(laughs)

Ugh!

(chuckles)

Permission to speak.

Proceed.

Do you think the woman you're
looking for is even out there?

(male announcer
speaking indistinctly on TV)

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

Oh, my chest.

Oh, good.
You're on the bed.

- Do you know what this is?
- Is it a water balloon?

Close. It's a condom filled with.

That is not good news.

I mean, people think
that condoms are foolproof,

but they're not.
These things can break.

(squeaking)

(water gurgling)

(clatter)
Okay. They may not break
right away,

but, you know,
once you get started,

this could happen.

Come on!

All right.

This isn't fair
because this is a -- a balloon

that I got at a toy store,
'cause I thought it would be

weird to use a real condom.
- You thought that would be weird?

- Why won't you break?!
- No one's gonna stomp on it,
Mom.

- Why is she doing this?
- I'm sorry, Kylie. It's, um,
I talked to Travis,

and I -- I happen to know that
tomorrow night's the big night.
(door opens and closes)

- Travis?!
- I was just rapping
with my boy there,

and, uh, tell her I'm cool.
I'm so cool.

I -- I think I should
just go home.

Wow.

I trusted you.

(gasps)

Of course.

That was
the worst sex talk ever. (sighs)

I'm a horrible mom.

Oh. Make me feel better,
Grayson.

(strangled voice)
I'm gonna go check on Stan.

Can you think of anything
more uncomfortable

than what I just
put Travis through?

- Actually,
can think of--
- I can.

Let's go play some hoops.
You wanna go play some hoops?

Hoops? Man, that's
my middle name, is hoops.

- I love hoops.
- I feel terrible.

I mean, Travis was never great
with the ladies.
(door opens and closes)

When he was 12,
he met this girl at camp,

and he used to write her
all these love letters.

But the address she gave him
was to a dog toy factory

in Wisconsin, so the letters
kept getting returned.

I didn't want his heart
to break,

so I started to write him back.
I finally had to break up

with him because he hit puberty
and started mailing me pictures

and asking me
to do some weird stuff.
- This is gonna blow over,

and Travis just won't talk
to you for a couple of days.

No! I'm the hero
who saved Thanksgiving.

I have to fix this now.

I just gotta get Kylie
not to leave.
- This is her purse.

She's not gonna leave
without her purse.

What are you doing?

Locate, justify, hide,
Ellie.

Locate -- I got it.

Justify -- I gotta do it.

Hide -- I'm on it.

(squeals)

Why do we have to hide
the bag outside?

Because Travis has found
every present

I ever hid from him
except for the ones

buried in this backyard.

Now we gotta grab a shovel
and remember where we put it.

There's still a discman buried
here somewhere. Here you go.

Are you really gonna bury
my purse?

(loud clank)

Why are your boyfriends
acting so weird?

First of all,
only Bobby's my boyfriend,

and they're not...
acting weird.

(Kenny Loggins) * Playing *

* with the boys *

* Playing with the boys *

You know
you're on the same team, right?

- Shut up, Lisa!
- Mind your own business,
Lisa!

Foul!

You're hiding something.
Normally, I'd wait

for that chest gas
to push it on out of you.

- But this seems too juicy.
- You can't make me tell.

Do you remember when
we used to have sex

in inappropriate places?

Not in front of Stan.
Wake up!

Like baby Rick's
3rd birthday party...

(groans)
when you took me
against the bouncy house?

(moans)

Get a hold of these.

Ohh.

Mom?

How's that feel,
Mr. Torres?

Do you like that?

- I do like it. I do.
- Yeah?

- Oh.
- But thanks for saving me.

You will tell me!

It's weird that you won't
give me my purse back.

Well, if I do,
are you gonna leave?

- Yes.
- But I just wanna talk to you
for a second.

And I promise, I'm not gonna
make you uncomfortable,

because if I start to say
anything crazy,

Laurie is gonna stop me.
- Oh, yes! I can just make
a noise or something.

Fine.

Kylie, this is my fault.

I mean, Travis and I
are so tight,

that the line
between friend and mother

has always been a little blurry.
Up until a few years ago,

He was taking naps in my bed.
- Baah!

Thank you. Now the point is,
is that Travis confided in me,

and I took advantage of that.
- I -- I just wish he hadn't
told you everything.

It's just awkward for him.
You know, he's still a virgin.

He told me he wasn't.

Oh, God.
Why didn't you stop me?

(coughs) I really thought
I had time to take a sip.

Clearly not. (coughs)

All right, Kylie,
if you go, I understand.

But I hope you stay
for Travis,

'cause he really cares
about you.

Come on, sweetie.

Please don't torture him
the way my mom tortures me.

I gotta say, I'm loving
this Thanksgiving drama

you two have going on.

Glad I could help.

Would you stop with this
end of the world nonsense?

You and this girl are gonna bond
over how horrible your mom is,

and you'll get in her pants
within a week.

You make it sound
so beautiful.

Look, parenting doesn't
come naturally to me.

Luckily,
Andy's a great dad.

He would've been
a great woman.

He would've loved
breast-feeding.

I really would have.

I need you to cut
your mom some slack.

I have a lot riding on this
relationship you have with her.

I'm basing my whole
parenting strategy around it.

Worst decision ever.

Please.

And you know as well as I do
that in the end,

your mom always
comes through for you.

Hey, Trav,
you wanna talk?

Sure.
(Noah and the whale) * Can get
a little love of your own *

* Don't break his heart *

Got a little intense
out there, huh?

At one point, I straight
punched you in the face.

Don't get blood
on my frozen corn.

If anybody's still here,
we're eating in 20 minutes.

Man, this is dicey. Should we just try to hash it out?

Probably, but then again,
you know,

it feels like
we'd be talking about

something way in the future,
you know, like years.

Yeah, who knows how
we'll feel by then?

Hell, one of us
may even be dead.

Yeah,
and with your cholesterol...

- Oh, yeah, it'll be me.
- Look, I say we act like men

and we bury it under a mountain
of denial so deep

that no one can make us believe
that it ever actually happened.

Already done. Free and breezy.
Want a beer?

- I'll have two.
- Nice.

* *

* Well, if you are *
* what you love *

* And you do *
* what you've love *

* I will always be
the sun and moon to you *

* And if you share *
* with your heart *

* Yeah, you give *
* with your heart *

* What you share
with the world... *

Okay, quick disclaimer --
when we attack the food,

let's chew carefully
because I'm missing an earring.

Okay, grab a hand. God, this is
my favorite part of Thanksgiving

'cause I get to say what
I'm thankful for.

- Do we have to hold hands
the whole time?
- Yes, you do.

Okay, for me,
it's really all about family,

and I'm not talking about
just blood,

because it's bigger than that.

Family is all about
all the people that you choose

to let into your life.
Family's about support

and working through things,

even though you can care
so much,

you can scream and fight
just as easily

as you can make love.

(imitates buzzer)

Yeah, good -- good call. Umm...

Anyway, I'm just really thankful

that you're all
a part of my life. I am.

I love you guys. Let's eat.

Yay!

Are you gonna tell me yet?

No, I can't.

It's fine, I can wait.

Oh, God. This releases pressure.

Is it about Grayson or Bobby?

[mutters in pain]

You'll break eventually.

Oh, let me die.

You are a cruel woman...
But I love you, dear.