Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - Don't Come Around Here No More - full transcript

- Are you ready for this?
- [Man] Well, that depends.

What do you have in mind?

Neighbor-on-neighbor style,
all night long.

[Barking]

[Barking continues]

[Groans] Damn it, Tuffy!

I will cut out your tongue
and show it to you!

- So you had a sex dream about me, huh?
- Relax, stud.

I have sex dreams about everybody.

The President, Gene Simmons,
Edward from Twilight.

Ooh, that sweet Edward. Mmm.



- [Barking continues]
- That is why I came by.

I thought you could talk to Mr. Rose
about his yappy little rat-dog.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Look, you and I are already
amazing friends.

- We are not.
- We are.

This is your chance to get in good
with the rest of the neighborhood.

I'm not really looking to be part
of your cul-de-sac crew.

Come on, you have to do this.

Mr. Rose doesn't like me because
of our dueling yard sales last summer.

I blew him out of the water.

Sorry, buddy, nobody wants
your dead wife's lipstick.

You know what I'm saying?

You know why you're our favorite
mortgage broker, Larry?

And it's not just because of your
promotional stress balls,



- although this thing is great.
- I hear ya.

You do hear me, don't you, Larry?
That's why I love working with you.

Well, you know it doesn't have
to stop with work.

- You wanna grab a coffee later?
- I can't tonight.

I have to...
Oh, what do I have to do, Laurie?

You're playing chess
with the homeless.

You're one of the good ones.

- Well...
- [Larry] I gotta go.

- You got my number.
- I sure do, right here on this ball.

Did that man, who I wish was my father,
just ask me out?

Yeah. I think Larry loves you.

You know what?
I bet he was such a stud in his day.

Oh, he can't find his car.

Oh.

Thanks for letting me sleep in, babe.

I was up late. You know what's cool
about playing hearts online?

Yeah, nothing. I was with our son
cleaning up his adult-sized doody.

Well, thank you for handling that.

On a related note, after
I finished shaving this morning,

I cleaned all of my whiskers
out of the sink.

- Good.
- No "thank you" for me?

I don't think you understand how many
whiskers we're talking about here.

- I am aware of how hairy you are.
- Yeah, you are.

Listen up, half-pint.

I'm not gonna thank you for doing
stuff you're supposed to do.

If I did that,
I'd have to thank you

for doing things like
killing bugs or supporting me.

When I have to shave again at noon,
I am not cleaning it up!

You know how I'm back
together with Dale?

He just invited me
to his girlfriend's birthday party.

It's not weird, he's gonna break up with
her as soon as he gets his CDs back.

Should I go?

I know how this is gonna end,
but I'm still gonna dive in.

Do not go!

Run from this backwoods loser
like he's actually trying to kill you.

- I'm gonna go.
- Glad to help.

He sounds like he's the one.
Seriously, he'll definitely marry you.

- Laurie.
- Hey, Travis.

What up, girl?

Quick, funny story. So, I went
to the Vampire Weekend concert.

Awesome show. Caught a drumstick.
Which is, you know, it's like, it's...

Whatever. But my friend Alex
nearly had a nerd-gasm.

[Laurie] Yeah, I love that band.

Lot in common, lot in common.

[Honking]

- Come on, Travis, let's go!
- What is that noise?

I found a scooter horn at the dump.

I helped him wire it up.
It's pretty rad.

Is it rad, Andy? Get inside.

Look, E-Train, I know you went south on
me after the divorce and I respect that.

But Jules and I are copacetic now.
Can't we just bury the hatchet?

- I have to go home now.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, I'm happy about Bobby's new horn.

The odds of my son dying
in a golf cart accident

just went from "definitely"
to "probably."

- Oh, good.
- Listen, I have nothing to do tonight.

- Let's hang.
- I can't, it's date night.

It might be fun though,
'cause there's no sex pressure.

Andy's allergy medications are
causing some equipment malfunctions.

Don't have to tell Jules everything.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jules. I can't hang,
I'm right in the middle of something.

Just give him his Creed albums back,
you bitch! He doesn't love you!

[Muffled arguing]

- You still there?
- No can do, Mom.

Dad found a bag of fireworks,
so our night is sort of spoken for.

I wouldn't get too close
to that pumpkin,

- if I were you.
- What?

Awesome! Some got in my mouth!

Bye.

- [Telephone rings]
- [Snorts]

- This is Larry.
- Oh, OK. This is Jules.

If you still want to grab
that cup of coffee...

...you know, just as friends,
I'm free tonight.

- Larry?
- [Snores]

- This is Larry.
- Great.

- Good night, Larry.
- Kiss?

Oh, that's not gonna happen.
But thanks, it was really fun.

Bye.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

* She likes a pacemaker
She's a hip-breaker

* She likes them almost dead *

It's all I've written so far,
but I'm very proud of it.

- It's haunting.
- You know that girl I was with?

She is eleven years younger than me.
If you add that to the age difference

between you and your date,
it's 611 years.

Mine wasn't a date, OK?
I just went out for some coffee.

You can't stand to be alone
for a second, can you?

That is ridiculous.

Why'd you go out with Father Time?

Because I am a history buff...

And I haven't been in a car with only
a lap belt in a long time. So...

And you know what?

I'm going home right now
to an empty house. Alone.

[Strums melancholy notes]

No, not a sad moment.
It's triumphant.

Oh, I got it.

[Strums energetic Spanish tune]

Better.

So, Dale and I hooked up last night
and when I woke up he wasn't here,

and I don't know where I am.

Ah, another proud morning.

Will you come and find me?
I can see a fence,

a tree and a cloud shaped
like mashed potatoes.

Oh, honey, normally I would type
that into my GPS,

but can you just please try
to find your own way home?

All right? Love you.

I thought you'd want her here so you
wouldn't be all by your lonesomes.

Buddy, those little painted roses on
your tiny guitar look pretty girly!

* Confident in my sexuality *

I will bet you 20 bucks that you
can't spend the entire day by yourself.

Are you kidding me?
I love to be by myself.

- Hey, Ellie!
- What?

- Don't come over today.
- Why am I being punished?

I'll explain at midnight.

All right, great!
The bet starts now!

- J-Bird!
- Whoa! Point-five seconds.

- I just won 20 bucks.
- Nice!

Sounds like I was involved.
Should we go splitsies?

You see an opportunity to get cash and
you just dive right in there, don't you?

- GAC.
- "Guilty as charged."

I taught him that. I regret it.

T-Rex and I are gonna fire up
the grill and have a BBQ.

I need a place to put the ribs.
Can I throw away your Lean Cuisines?

- No, those are mine.
- Jules?

- Doesn't mean he's gay, Bobby.
- Sorry I like well-balanced meals.

OK, as soon as these guys leave,
the bet starts.

* You're gonna owe me 20 bucks *

Leave? But it's Barbecue Saturday.

- Oh, you just made that up.
- GAC.

* Confident in my sexuality *

- Wow. Could be my new favorite song.
- Good luck being alone.

I so got this!

Wow.

Mmm.

Twenty-two minutes? That's it?

[Tuffy barking]

You suck, Tuffy!

[Gasps]

[Stammers]

- You're inside, it's safe.
- He crawled toward the bushes.

The little guy probably just came in
from the waterways. I got it.

Easy-peasy, Gary Sinise-y.

- [Muttering]
- [Crocodile hisses]

Oh, God! Oh, God, oh, God...

He's gone.

You had a hole in your fence,
so I blocked it with a rock.

- He ain't coming back. He better not.
- Andy, thank you so much.

Listen, I got this for you
out of my gift closet.

And if you don't want it, you can trade
it in for a rock that says "believe."

Is this three flavors of popcorn? Please
don't have one of them be cheddar.

OK, it's all cheddar.
But it's still awesome!

- Thank you.
- Thank you!

OK, listen, sneak out the side
so Grayson doesn't see you.

- OK.
- [Telephone rings]

I figured out where I am.
Come and get me. Please?

[Groans]

- [Grayson] Where were you?
- Oh...

I was out... getting juice.

- Wrap it up! My neck's asleep.
- Where'd you get the juice?

At the juice... station. It's new.

You pump the juice yourself out of
these old-timey gas pump things.

It's cute. Gimmicky.

- That bottle's empty.
- Well, I drank it. Duh!

That's what you do when you get juice.

Der!

Aw, I'm so glad you're here.

It is so much fun being alone
when you're with someone.

I know. What do you wanna do?

It's so gorgeous outside. Plus
my skin's looking really good today.

- Let's have people over.
- I thought you wanted to win your bet.

I do! And I wanna have a barbecue.

I want a lot of things, Laurie.
I want a credit card just for shoes.

I want the juice station
to actually exist.

I want it all.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have used
those Roman Candles

to get the grill going.

We'd be Q-in' at your mom's house
if she didn't punt us.

I thought we were getting along
great lately, then...

- [blows raspberry]
- Well, Dad, I'll always be here.

I love you.

Swing and a miss, Trav.
Swing and a miss.

[Cell phone ringing]

[Clears throat]

Captain speaking.

Sneak over here so Grayson doesn't
see you and come fire up the grill.

It's too late, J-Bird.
Trav and I already got meat in play.

Oh, come on, Bobby.
It's Barbecue Saturday.

See, I could never make
a marinade like that.

It's beer and pepper. GAC.

I'm not sure it works there, sweetie.

- Where's Travis?
- Laurie.

I'm rockin' the SPF 90.
You want in?

- Where'd you get that?
- Jules gave it to me as a thank you.

She likes to thank people.
Unlike you, who never thanks me.

We're talking about you
cleaning up your own whiskers.

Are you sure you want to hitch
your wagon to that horse?

Yes. I'm taking a stand.
And this popcorn is a symbol.

Oh, look! My fingers
are covered with gratitude.

[Rock music]

- Come on, guys!
- [Music stops]

There's 20 bucks at stake here.

And when we're outside,
we need to use our inside voices.

Can I turn the music back on
if I give you 20 bucks?

Well, it all depends, Travis.
Can you give me back my pride?

That ship has sailed, Mom.

So, Dale un-broke up with Misty
because he got on her cell plan

and it's very complicated.
But what should I do?

I love you, but I'm retiring
from all Dale talk.

- But Jules...
- Ah-ah!

- She can be so cold.
- Hey, Jules!

- Shh! It's a quiet barbecue.
- [Andy whispers] Sorry.

So, Ellie's not coming because she's mad
that I want her to thank me every...

Sweetie, whatever it is,
I have to be on her side. You know that.

- Told you, Andy!
- I said "quiet barbecue," damn it!

- [Loud pop]
- [Travis] Oh!

An M-80 dropped out of my pocket
and into the fire.

- Can y'all hear me talking right now?
- [Tuffy barking]

- 'Cause I can't.
- [Guitar playing]

So, do you want
to pay me with a check, or what?

I love winning bets.
I feel the urge to play a song.

- Fight it.
- [Groans] I can't.

* Well...

What rhymes with:
* Wa, wa, wa, wah *

Fine, you got me.
I like to be around people.

Now, let's go out and get a beer.
Bobby'll make you a burger.

- I should go.
- You have plans or something?

Uh-uh.

What are you doing? I'm inviting you
to hang out with the cul-de-sac crew.

- I love that name you gave us.
- You're welcome.

Look, I know you love your smug loner
image that you've created for yourself.

I get it. But it's getting old.

Now, let's go outside
and connect with people.

It'll be so good for you.

Do you really think
that you know what's best for me?

Of course I do.

[Strums Confident in My Sexuality]

Bobby, we gotta make Grayson
come back over.

- Huh?
- Are you still having hearing issues?

- Huh?
- All right.

I'm gonna get Andy
to go with you.

[Tuffy barking]

Dale's not perfect.

I mean, it's not cool that he forges
Dan Marino's autograph for a living,

but I think he really cares
about me, don't you?

That depends. Does he have your name
tattooed anywhere on his body?

Mmm!

Well, he says he does, but I haven't
been able to find it yet.

Look, I know that whatever
you and Ellie are fighting about,

- it must be very important.
- Popcorn and chin whiskers.

But don't let it ruin Barbecue Saturday.

And look, even I can admit,
sometimes Ellie can be

- a teeny, tiny bit of a bitch.
- How dare you?

- There is no way you heard that!
- I've been taught to read lips!

[Grunts] I always forget
about her deaf brother.

Sam.

Come on, G-Man,
swing by for a few beers.

Sorry, fellas, not interested.
I'm watching Rudy.

- Rudy?
- Rudy?

Hmm.

What the hell are you guys doing?

Watching Rudy.

He got in the game and his dad's there
and he's watching and he's all proud.

Greatest guy movie of all time.
You're not getting these two back.

Hey, guys, why don't you come back
to my place and we'll put on Shawshank.

- Shawshank?
- Shawshank?

I've got that DVD, too.

Yes. Well, over at my house,

I'll give you the full
Shawshank experience.

Full Shawshank?
What's full Shawshank?

[Jules] Andy Torres crawled through
500 yards of muck to reach his freedom.

Five hundred yards.

Wow, Andy.
I'm a little emotional.

I wish Ellie was here to see that.
She'd have liked that.

- Can you make it rain on me some more?
- Course I can, sweetie.

Ding-dong.

People normally knock
on the outside of houses. Beat it.

Andy's over there, mopey as a hound dog.
Why can't you just throw him a bone?

'Cause it won't mean anything.
It's like when Jules acts

like she still needs you to grill
so you feel like part of the family.

So, she really doesn't need me
to cook hot dogs?

Please, woman, I know that.
I'm grateful when she throws me a bone.

I know she does it
to make me feel better.

You ought to try that with Andy.

You need to warn me

when you're gonna give life advice
so I can get my notebook.

Oh, remember we used to talk like this?

I do, actually.

- Why'd you go and ruin it?
- Wish I hadn't.

Anyway, sorry to get
in your face about Andy.

If you think I love
that little dude too much, well...

GAC, Ellie. GAC forever.

Just come over!

I was just on my way
to bring you these.

Shut up! Even though I hate daisies,
I forgive you.

They're not from me.
They're from Larry.

Strange that a billion-year-old man
would get your address wrong.

- This card is shockingly filthy.
- Well, have a good one.

You know what? Maybe you don't mind
being by yourself, I don't know.

But I bet you don't like it
as much as you say you do.

But either way, it's over.
You're a part of this crew.

You golf with Bobby, you've cried
with Andy, you know Laurie and Ellie...

- Who?
- Blonde friend and mean friend.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, those two.
- Now, listen, you're hooked in.

And with this group, it's for life.
So you can either stay here,

or you can come to my house and
eat a burger and talk to some friends.

Maybe see an alligator.

* Confident in my sexuality *

I'm still loving that.

And Dale totally forgot my birthday.

OK, we did go play paintball
a week later,

but he got mad because he said
I was flirting with the team captain...

Which I guess I kinda was,
he was a total cutie.

But then Dale shot me,
like, four times in the back.

Why are you with this guy?

Seriously, how can a woman who is
so gorgeous and confident and who needs

three cops to take her down, be with
someone who doesn't know her birthday?

July 18th... by the way.

- You know my birthday?
- You told me once. And I listened.

You're worth listening to, Laurie.

Thank you.

- Sure.
- You.

I made you a plate.

Thank you for putting up with me.

Oh, my God, that's a big thanks,
'cause it covers everything.

It's a blanket-thanks.

- Did you do that?
- Naw, I'm not that smart.

That's what I was gonna say.

[Gasps] Grayson!
Welcome to Barbecue Saturday!

Everybody, look!

Thanks.

I've brought a six pack and some
ketchup. It's all I had in the fridge.

- G-Love, let me get you a burger.
- I'll get him a beer.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

[Tuffy still barking]

- Travis is pretty great.
- Oh, he is.

- [Tuffy barking]
- Seriously, Tuffy?

You know...

When Travis is 25,
I'll only be 34.

If you ever date him,
I will not love you anymore.

No, because if we get married
and have kids,

they'll be your grandchildren,
so you'll have to love me.

- Are you sleeping over?
- OK.

- [Tuffy yelping]
- [Man] Oh, God, no! Put Tuffy down!

See? I told you there was a gator!