Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 14 - All the Wrong Reasons - full transcript

You know, I'm actually
feeling a little guilty

Because last night you
left your purse here,

And then when the pizza man I came,
I was $2 short,

So I took it from you.
2 bucks. Big deal.

I also took a pack of gum, a lipstick

And, uh, 28 other dollars.
I was going out to get wine.

You stole from me to
support a drinking habit?

I am so proud of you.

Well, I thought you would be.

No. Please tell me you did
not wear that t-shirt out.

You're welcome. Andy,
I'm sure that you heard that last week



Bobby and I kind of reconnected
in a... Physical way,

And then I realized it was a mistake.

You hit it and quit it. That's how I do.

Anyway, could you go check on
him and make sure he's okay?

No problem. It's not like I
have to spend any time at theym.

No.

Don't look at me. I just can't
take seeing you right now.

Then it makes total sense
to come to the bar I own.

I feel so guilty

About sleeping with you
and not telling jules.

I know. I wish I had a time machine

So I could go back and undo...

You know, you.

I would also use it to go back



And tell my cousin not to give
her daughter up for adoption.

We're pretty sure she's
dakota fanning now.

Yeah, she's not adopted.

Hmm. Hey. Have you guys seen bobby?

He's not on his boat or the golf course

Or by that underpass where he
buys fish and sports coats.

Oh, you must have just missed him there.

hey, little buddy. You like? 4 bucks.

Do you know how I like
everything to be about me?

I've met you, so, uh-huh.

And I just feel like you and
I haven't had an ellie day

In such a long time, you know,
where we focus on my needs,

You know, I talk, you listen, you talk

And I think of what I'm
gonna say next? Like that.

I really like those days.
I-I feel like a butler.

What are we gonna do?

You could take me shopping at ag
e-inappropriate stores,

And then we could come back

And drink that $28 bottle
of wine that you bought.

It was really 2 $14 bottles of wine,

And, uh, they're gone.

Are you still proud of me?

Maybe even more so, sweetie.

I heard about jules, man. You okay?

I won't lie. Mm.

Her telling me that it's
definitely really over,

You know, it stung a bit. Sorry, man.

It's okay. I've moved on.

Now I'm celebrating

With a parking lot booze
cruise on the boat.

I just need grey poupon over
here to get out his wallet

And loan me three kegs.

Why don't you just buy
a few cases of beer?

Because then there wouldn't be
any sexy keg-pumping banter.

Hey, baby.

you're really good at that.

You want me to keep pumpin'?
Never stop pumping.

A whole new level of disturbing.

Who's your friend? He's handsome.

Give it up.

Well, hello, sir.

Oh, that's alex,

My tennis teacher/ fake boyfriend.

I've been fake seeing him for months.

Oh, and look at that
cute little button nose.

I'd like to put that on a string
and wear it around my neck.

Sweetie, when you say people's
body parts are so adorable

That you want to wear them,

It makes you seem a
little serial killer-y,

Especially when you do it about kids.
Ooh, I would love to have

A scarf made of little bitty baby hands.

See, that's not a great ou
t-loud thought.

so I'm gonna be back from
my lesson in an hour,

And then you and I will
have ellie day. Oh,

I'm so sorry, but I'm
really not up to it today.

I just keep thinking about
that mess with bobby.

And then it just takes me
straight back to obsessing

On what am I doing with my life,
and I-I don't want to burden you

With it, but seriously,
what am I doing with my life?

I mean, ellie, am I going
to be alone forever?

How are we back here again?

Please. I could get back to this
place from anywhere. Say a word.

Eggplant.

Eggplants are vegetables.

My uncle's a vegetable because
he got hit by a truck.

Trucks carry beers. Beers come in 40s.

I'm 40 and alone, and what am I
dog with my life, ellie? Wow.

Andy, where you goin'?

Sorry, captain. Have to bounce.

Come on, man. It's time you start living

Like you have a mustache. Oh,.

No, no, it's not...

It means I have to ask
myself the ultimate question-

What would burt reynolds do?

I'm gonna call ellie.

Hell, yeah! Andy!

andy! Andy! Andy! shh.

what? I'm busy.

Oh, hey, look, uh,
bobby's hurting real bad.

Uh, you think I should stay with him?
Do whatever. I've gotta go.

Hey, everybody! I'm in!

yay.

Oh. They seemed more
invested a second ago.

You gotta turn your hips.

Yeah, but I'm confused.
I think you should show me again.

Hey, there. Ellie said you
had room for one more?

Always.

All right. What are you doing here?

Come on. A little flirt
y-flirty might help me with my mood.

Don't get bummed if he ignores you,

Because he's pretty into me.

Aren't you a little worried
about your grunting?

you sound like a lumberjack.

ah!

oh!

yes!

oh, god!

Did you really just say "oh, god"?

I quit.

Oh, god. I have heartburn in my brain.

Where's andy?

oh, yeah.

I put you in ca
n-jail for partying too hard.

I gotta get home!

Why are his pants so long and tight?

oh, yeah. We traded.

mmm!

Ooh!

Oh, god!

Good coffee, mrs. Torres?

She's just mocking me because yesterday,

See, when I was making those noises-

I'm out.

I'm allowed to make fake
sexual noises, travis!

That's a weird tng to take a stand on.

I shouldn't...

oh! Oh, hey. Hi.

I'm so sorry I was- I was out all night.

Uh, bobby was so down.

Teeny tiny headache.

You missed some idiot calling 20 times

At, like, 4:00 in the morning.

I have to check my voice mail
to see who I have to kill.

Oh, I'll-I'll do that for you.

So when's our next tennis lesson? Never.

I call dibs on alex.
You can't call dibs. You're married.

Hey, will you help us figure
out who gets dibs on a guy?

Well, that's easy. Which one
of you's pregnant? No one.

Well, then I got nothing.

hello! Wake up. I miss you!

Andy. Who is it?

a... Phone solicitor.

And delete.

All right, you have to let
me come on another lesson.

You just don't want me to
go because you're scared

That alex is gonna
like me more than you,

Because I know how to talk
like young people. Oh, really?

Chillax. Tweet. Rihanna.

wow. What? What?

Hateyself.

Go ahead and come tomorrow.
Oh, it is so on!

You can't be happy when you say that.

That's not how it works.
Try it again. You have to be mean.

it is so on, you stupid bitch. Wow.

was that too much? Yeah.

Hey, can we talk? Okay, never barge in

On an 18-year-old who has the internet.

Once again, I act without thinking.

What are you talking about?

I did something that I really,
really regret.

And the worst part is,
whenever I feel this down,

I always end up back together with dale.

It happens so often

That I keep a drawer of stuff
at his house, travis, you know,

A toothbrush, shampoo,
my jeica simpson hair extensions.

Well, why don't you
just go get your stuff

So you'll never have to go back?

That is so smart! Mm.

You should make all my decisions
for me in life. Come on.

You could be like my conscience,
just sitting on my shoulder.

"hey, laurie, do the right thing."

"no, the bad thing's so much fun."

"shut up, bad side of laurie."

Come with me to dale's. please.

How could I say no to that?

travis, I'm coming in.

My hand is on the door.

Okay, I'm in the room now.

Do I have the all-clear sign?

That is how you enter travis' room.

Where are you going?

I hate to leave you alone
two nights in a row,

But bobby's still in a very bad way.

He needs me, ellie.

Whatever.

I am sprung, boys.

yeah! Wait. I want to
remember this night.

Ah.

May the best woman win.

Wow!

Don't go easy on me, alex.

Seriously, I have no limits.

oh, god!

You know what?
I think we should get started,

Because ever since miss
no limits here turned 41,

She can't drive after dark.

Do you really think you should
be hitting the ball that hard

So soon after your episiotomy?

Her baby's head- this big.

Oh! Oh! That was the small of my back.

Play or go home.

I can't breathe.

I am glad dale wasn't there.

Hey, what's with these street signs?

"ferndale."

"glendale."

"dale street."

These are all signs an idiot
named dale would have.

We just robbed him, didn't we?

Sorry, travis!
I just wanted to hurt him.

You know,

A better conscience
would have stopped me.

Right. This is my bad.

Is that a real human skull?

It's his great granddad.
Dale keeps it out of respect.

And to smoke tobacky out of.

Ugh.

Whew, man. Remember when
you were in your 20s

And you uld drink all night

And still feel good
enough in the morning

To write a love letter
to your girlfriend?

I was a different person in college.

You know what we should do tonight?

A good old-fashioned beer parade.
M out, fellas.

Like your belly button, I'm innie!

I knew you would be, a- train.
Catch you later.

So you're just gonna hold his
hand while he hits rock bottom?

What? You know how hard we
partied the last two nights?

Well, bobby has done that
for the last six days.

right.

Look, I think that, uh,
I think that bobby's in real trouble.

aw, man.

I know. Oh, um,

What can you tell me about this?

You may want to get used to that.

It's, permanent marker.

Oh!

Well, of course you're
gonna win this alex thing.

You even pick up balls sexy.
When I do it,

I'm like I'm going to the
bathroom in the woods.

I'm a very sensual person.
I give off intense pheromones.

That's why cats don't like me.

Hey, jules. You wanna
grab dinner sometime?

I'd love to.

I would lo-o-o-o-o-ove to.

Good for you.

Well, hey, you can't run away,
because I'm your ride!

Alex, have you seen my keys?

Oh, come on!

Your car is in the driveway.

I think your keys are
somewhere in the bushes.

I just thought we were having fun,

But clearly, this little
contest has hit a nerve,

So I'm officially backing
off of alex for you.

And not just because
when he drove me home

I peeked behind the curtain in his van.
He is definitely living in it.

You don't get it. This isn't about alex.

That's why you're a bad friend.
What? No, no, no. Hey.

You arnot gonna say something
that mean and just walk off.

Come here!

I've been thinking about bobby.

Shocker.

Stop chasing me!

Stop making me chase you!

Hey!

Anyway, we need to talk to him.

Not-not "we," you. He'll listen to you.

It's just even though I am the alpha dog

Of our little trio, I'm no good

At saying the tough stuff to bobby.
I always chicken out.

You're letting me have alpha dog?
I feel like you need it.

Oh, thank you. No, no. No hugging, okay?

Since we have to put all
of dale's stuff back,

Can I at least draw a peepee

On the slut with power tools poster? No.

Wow. Dale has a lot of
hurting paraphernalia.

He has the third largest
nunchaku collection

In all of gulfhaven.

Does that make it hard for him
to strive to attain other goals?

yeah, I g- oh, my god. He's here.

Put it down! Get out!

Get in!

I already have to pee.

Ha! Gotcha! Aah!

Aah!

oh, mr. And mrs. Winston.

Hi, lottie. Yard's looking great.

Hey, bobby.

There's buddy!

Just in time to help me
try my new sangria hat.

damn it. The fruit slices
keep clogging the lines.

So you come over for a
reason or just to hang?

Just to hang.

Later do you want to go
down to the boardwalk,

See if we can get a caricature
of us on a surfboard

Getting chased by a giant shark?

More than anything.

You gotta admit,
that was a little funny.

I menot to me, but...

if you're not gonna talk to me,

Then why did you come back to my house?

Because I'm wet, and I know
you just recovered your couch.

All right, please stop.

I'm gonna get the chair, too.

No, you're not. No, you're not.
No, no. No, you're not.

stop it. No. Let go!

Ah!

Whatever. I don't have time for this.

Of course not,
'cause it's all about jules.

What?

Oh, you heard your name and you
became interested, didn't you?

Ever since the divorce,

Everything has to be all about you.

I asked you to have one ellie day,

And you totally blew it off.
But you had plenty of time

To come hone in on my fake
boyfriend and ruin that.

I don't think you understand
what it's ke to be single

And start your life all over again.

Please, not again with
"I'm 40 and single.

"can I kiss a guy in public?

"can I have my 20s in my 40s?

What if I end up alone?"

It's not fair. How come I
don't get to have one problem,

Just because my marriage
worked out and yours didn't?

All right, that's way too mean.

I know. Take-backs so I don't spiral.

No.

I hope you eat your guilt
away and gain 70 pounds.

Oh, well, that was perfect,

'cause now I'm not the only selfish one.

Nobody's ever called me
selfish in my entire life.

That's 'cause you never were before.

hey. Are you hungry?

I'll take a grilled cheese.

What the hell are you talking about?

No, I end up in here so much,

That I stashed some granola bars,
just in case.

Yeah, one time I hid in
here to catch dale cheating.

Another time it was
because dale came home

While I was cheating with his cousin.

I bet that dude got nunchaku'd.

They had to rebuild his
nose with part of his elbow.

I didn't even know they could do it.

But honestly, it looked better.

I make one horrible
decision after another.

I'm a ridiculous person.

Uh, you don't make all...

Great choices,

But at least now when
you make bad decisions,

It actually bothers you.

It totally does.

See? It's new.

It's progress.

You're gonna be fine.

So why'd you really come over?

I have to lay some hard truth on you,

But, uh, I don't think I can do it.

Sure, you can, and I need to hear it.

All right, listen, bobby.

You're the life of the party,

And-and everybody loves that about you.

Good start, ease in with the positive.

But lately...

You're getting lost
in my eyes. Look away.

Oh. All right. Um...

But lately, you'r
e- you're taking it too far,

And if you don't stop with this bender,

Then I'm gonna have to
stop looking up to you,

And that's gonna suck for me.

I know the jules thing was
a real kick in the stones,

But... You'll get past it.

Just not like this, though.

You're better than this.

Ah, man. It hurts pretty bad, buddy.

Hey, you think we can
get that boardwalk guy

To draw you with some don king hair?

you want to put me in a bikini, too?

He, you know it.

Are you eating cake 'cause you feel bad

About all the mean things you said? No.
I'm just eating cake.

Look, I-I don't want to talk about

All the things that we
talked about before,

Because when I think about it,
it just makes me so mad...

Not at you, but at myself.

Will you accept my apology?

All right, before you answer,

I brought over 2 bottles of $14 wine,

Which I bought with my own money.

Well, actually I got the money
from travis' wallet, but-

Wow, I may have a problem. Hmm.

Anyway, I also brought
my laptop computer,

And I found some great
online shopping sites.

Now I know it's too late for ellie day,

But we could always do ellie night.

You could look at all
the things tt you like,

And I could tell you
how you'd look in them.

What do you think?

May I pour you a glass of wine?

Yes, you may.

âÂTª calling all friends and
people I met on the way down âÂTª

Do you think I would
look good in that shirt?

Oh, so cute.

What about those pants?

Do you think I would look
skinny in those pants?

So skinny. I mean, too skinny, maybe.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Why do you think that color
always looks so good on me?

Because you are so beautiful.

Yeah.

Hey, babe.

hi! Hey. Hey, there's this really cute
girl here.

She looks like a younger version of
you.

Hey. Hey, melody! Come over here
and say hello to my wife.

Her name's ellie. She's awesome.

hey, smelly ellie.

smelly ellie!

She's gonna love that.

Oh, I love that you're wearing
stockings with shorts.

I forgot to erase one, didn't I?

You did. Good night.

Mm.

Couch?

Couch!