Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 13 - Stop Dragging My Heart Around - full transcript

Huh.

I have to admit,
last night was pretty OK.

Well, that's weird.

During "it" you were very vocal
about how good "it" was.

[Chuckling] Well, yeah.

'Cause it's not sexy to moan,
"Ooh. This is so OK."

Dude, it's not you. It just didn't have
any of my major turn-ons.

REO Speedwagon playing, the sound
of rain outside, or the smell of pine.

My first boyfriend had a pine-scented
air freshener in his pick-up truck.

- So the bar's been set very high.
- Exactly.

Look, this shouldn't be weird.



What we did was totally natural, like
the wind, or not trusting Canadians.

I do hope we made a baby.

[Laughing] You should see your face
right now. It's hysterical.

I can't believe Jeff and I are over.
What am I gonna do now?

There's not many men looking
for a 40-something-year-old mom

who needs lots of foreplay
and is a mediocre cook.

This will make you feel better.

Hmm... M&M tea.

OK, you're not allowed to mope around
all day wearing a break-up blanket.

- I'm just chilly.
- And?

And... God gave me one last chance
to be happy and I blew it.

I did not realize that God
had taken such a personal interest

- in this relationship.
- I know, it's weird.

- God didn't care, Jules.
- He did.



- He didn't!
- He did.

You know what,
neither of us can win this fight.

- But I know I'm right.
- She's wrong.

- [Knocking]
- [Gasping]

Wow! OK. You're really naked.

I saw what you two did last night.

You better be careful.

My grandpa got beat up
for watching ladies pee

through a vent at the gas station.

Seems relevant. Did Lover-Boy
tell you he likes Jules?

- What?
- What? No.

I just said that someday
I could end up with a girl like her.

- Jules is your "Someday Girl?"
- My... what now?

A "Someday Girl" is someone
who someday, someone else

can see themselves ending up
with someday. It's super serious.

Someday Girl is a great title
for a new song.

Oh... I have to go see
if Jules feels the same way.

Have fun with that.

Sometimes after a break-up,

I make myself feel better
by thinking about guys

that I could someday see myself with.
Do you have anyone like that?

- Nope, no one.
- OK.

- What about Grayson?
- Oh, yeah.

In about ten years from now,
when I'm done changing him.

The trick is to make him
more emotionally accessible,

while at the same time
keeping him a little insecure

so he continues all that work
on his body. It's a tightrope.

So, Grayson. That's super.

That's a pinecone. No matter
how much you keep fondling it,

- it's not gonna take you to Cabo.
- [Chuckling]

OK... I gotta go.

Be weirder.

Jeff had a really bad case
of diarrhea once in Cabo.

- That's a good story.
- What am I doing?

All right, I have to bust out
of this funk right now.

Let's start by eating a crap-load
of something. Put on your elastic pants.

All right.

Hey, J-Bird, if you wanna funk-bust,
come on by the boat

and we'll pound back a box
of that wine you like so much.

She has to choose between you and me?
What will she do?

Ease up, Ellie Nellie, all right?
I'm dealing with something, too.

They're re-paving the parking lot
where I keep my boat,

so therefore I have to move it.

- I wish I owned my own parking lot.
- Really? That's what you wish for?

- Mom, I'm gonna be late tonight.
- Be home by midnight.

And don't forget our rule:
Do not wake me up when you get home.

Solid parenting, as always.

I'm a better mom with sleep.
What are you doing tonight?

Hanging with the fellas.
You know, Jon, Skeetch, Toby, Keith.

All of Travis' friends sound like
they're country western singers.

Makes sense. We did name him
after Randy Travis.

- No, we didn't.
- Well, you didn't.

No touching.

* Someday girl!

* Someday I'll meet her
in a someday world!

You know what we should do?
We should go up at the end, so...

* Someday I'll meet her in a...

[higher octave] * Someday world

I can't work with you.

I have some bad news.
You're Jules' "Someday Guy."

Sweet. "Someday Guy" is a perfect
follow-up single to "Someday Girl."

You know you're actually the only man
who gets less sexy when he plays guitar?

- Why aren't you taking this seriously?
- I promise to take it seriously...

- * Someday
- [laughing]

- Hey, Andy?
- Yeah?

Please don't tell Ellie anything
until I figure this out.

[Grunting] Lucky for you, tonight is
sexy night and I'm not allowed to speak.

Apparently, it ruins the fantasy.

What?

I don't like the onions.
I just like the fried circles.

Do you remember when we were eating
here after that slag at the salon

cut my bangs too short?

You ate so many Fisherman Platters
you made it on the wall.

[Ellie] Oh!

Shh! Have a fried circle.

- [Phone beeping]
- Hmm...

I've gotta go. I forgot
it was sexy night with Andy.

I hope he doesn't mind
my fried shrimp belly.

Who am I kidding?
I don't care.

Let me take that. See ya!

Wait a minute,
I can't eat this stuff alone.

I mean, I'm going to, but then what?

- Hey, Bobby.
- Hey.

- You have any of that pink wine?
- I got white wine.

Well, mix in some Kool-Aid
and make it pink.

- I've still got some white trash in me.
- You betcha!

You know what sucks?

I didn't even know you were
Jules' "Someday Guy."

I'm still gonna get punished.

If you're gonna get in trouble anyway,
why not just hang out some more?

Are you serious?

I'm sorry, it's just that this "someday"
stuff is so ridiculously girly.

[Girly voice] "If neither
one of us is married in 20 years,

we'll totally marry each other!
Yay!"

Right, because that always works out.

- We did have fun.
- Eh.

And it is raining out. Plus,
for some reason you smell like pine.

[Sighing]
It's that damn pinecone.

- Hang on.
- What are you doing?

It's like it's not even up to us.

Drinking out of a third place golf
trophy makes you feel like a winner.

[Chuckling] Good thing I didn't get
first place or you'd be blotto.

[Giggling]

It's nice out here in the rain.

So what did you tell your parents
you're doing tonight?

I'm at a church lock-in
with the National Honor Society.

- Well, I'm glad you're here.
- Me, too.

Oh... I'm loving the belly.

- "No talking" means no talking.
- Sorry.

I know I'm having a pity party,

but when you're our age
and a relationship doesn't work,

it's just easy to convince yourself

that you're not going to have
many more chances, you know?

You're going to be just fine.
Trust me.

Thank you, Bobby.

[Laughing]

Whoo.

- How fun was that?
- Pretty damn fun.

Yeah, did you notice
I had some new moves?

I did. Some are a little scary.

I know, I don't even like doing them.

But they make me feel dangerous,
like a spy or a French person.

Hey. This isn't really
a big deal, right?

Come on, J-Bird, this was bound
to happen eventually. No biggie.

At least it's not that
awkward feeling you get

when you wake up next
to someone you barely know.

This is the worst morning ever!

This is the best morning ever.

I can't believe you got all the way
naked for me last night.

- I love you.
- Relax, Mr. McNeedy.

It's not the first time
we've slept together.

Whoo!

What's up, sky? What up, trees?

I am a man!

- Doesn't even matter!
- Hey.

Hey, you.

Oh, my God. I'm so late.
My mom's gonna kill me.

Just leave the tent! I'll call you!

It's my very first
golf cart ride of shame.

- Jules!
- Hi, Julie!

It's not that bad.
Just pretend you're coming back

from some fancy ball or something.

- Yeah, I'm Cinderella.
- I'm gonna grab us some coffees.

No, don't leave me! No!

- I want a latte!
- [Chuckling]

Well, well, well.

Oh, good. It's Barb.

Returning to the ex-husband.
Kinda like an old security blanket.

Sure, it's a little frayed
around the edges,

but it's still nice
to wrap around your face.

How can you be that filthy
this early in the morning?

I've been up all night.
I guess I just got turned around.

Again and again...

- There's some shirtless frat boys!
- Where?

I'm so stupid.

I could have clung to the excuse
that I didn't know how Jules felt.

Now that's gone. You know, my mom
always taught me to just jump in

and do whatever I wanted
without thinking,

but I'm starting to feel like
that is really bad advice.

So we had sex again.

There won't even be any proof
once the bite mark on my knee heals.

That was really weird, by the way.

The reason why a woman's
"Someday Person" is so sacred...

Please stop saying "someday."

OK? Who cares about 20 years from now?

Don't you get it? Sure, "someday"
could be 20 years from now,

but it could be tomorrow.
It doesn't matter anyway, Grayson.

Any chance you had with her is gone
after the way you defiled me last night.

"Defiled" you?

- That's not a good thing?
- That... No!

I've been using that word wrong,
like, forever.

[Yawning]

- Morning.
- Morning!

- Where are you coming from?
- Garage sale.

Got these jeans there.
I traded my jeans for these jeans.

But they were identical jeans,
so, you know, even trade.

- How was your night with the fellas?
- Those guys are insane.

Bad-influence insane.
Ralphie wanted to spend the night

throwing mannequins off a bridge,
so, I came home,

slept up in my room, like always.

I'm lying. Are you lying?

- No.
- Me, neither.

- Your hair's a little messy.
- No, it's not.

You all right there, buddy?

Something stinks and I can't find it.
I'm worried it's in my nostrils.

Will you smell my nose
and tell me if it stinks?

At any point have you ever
said to yourself,

"Hey, here's a thought
I shouldn't verbalize?"

Hey, so I slept with Jules.

I know you're the wrong guy
to talk to...

Why does everyone think
that I care about Jules?

No, look at me, I'm fine.

You want to talk about Jules,
let's talk.

I'm just not quite sure
how I feel about it, you know?

It's a lot like soccer that way.

Hey, Trav.
What'd you do last night?

- I was out with the fellas.
- Tell me their names.

- Willy, See-Saw, Mark and Doug.
- Tell me again.

Bill, Josh, Tad and Crazy Joe.

I saw you sneaking in this morning.
You were out all night.

Look, just don't tell my mom.

Oh, I'm not gonna tell your mom.
Because now, I own your ass.

Here. Finish taking Stan on his walk.
I'm gonna go grab a nap.

[Clucking, whistling]

How could you sleep with Bobby?

It was just sex with an ex.

Oh, my God. Hold on a second.

No, Jules, I don't think
Sex with the Ex would be a great song.

It sounds like something
an insensitive jerk would write.

Someone who doesn't understand
what their audience

is truly thinking or feeling.
It's a bad song, Jules.

Bad song.

That was odd. And he is wrong,
that would be an amazing song.

Hey, you wanna jam out some lyrics?

What is with this neighborhood
and the songwriting?

Hey.

So, I did what I always do
when I have a big dilemma.

- I thought it out while I got a tattoo.
- A Chinese character.

Oh, that's so creative. How did you
think of that? What's it mean?

I thought it was the symbol for
"strength," but it just means "food."

That's OK, though. I like food.

Look, I have to tell Jules.
She's my best friend.

But what am I gonna say?

Why don't you just go ahead
and blame me?

'Cause, honestly, I don't give a crap.

Sounds good.

Jules, you moved on
from Bobby for a reason.

Why can't we just celebrate the fact
that I'm not sad anymore?

I'm not gonna end up back with Bobby.

But, you know, being with him
was nice and it was comfortable,

and he reminds me of why I don't
want to be in a relationship.

Oh, my God, I just realized.

Everyone should have an ex-husband
for when they break up.

I'm gonna write a book,
and they're gonna put me on Oprah.

Oprah's retiring in, like, a year.

Oh, yeah. And she's never
gonna be on television again.

Wake up, Ellie.
Let's go get some pizza.

You just can't act like
this is wrapped up.

It is wrapped up. I wrapped it up.

- Jules.
- Wrapped up!

How does Bobby feel?

Trust me, hooking up
meant nothing to either one of us.

Ahoy, land-lubbers. Daddy's home!

Bobby!

- Travis.
- Dad.

- All wrapped up.
- Shut up.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe from my house,
your house looks like an eyesore!

[Man] Get that
hunk of junk out of here!

Jules, you coming up?

I'm thinking I'll be better off
neighborhood-wise

if I pretend I'm angry
about the giant yard-boat.

- You think they're gonna buy your act?
- I can be pretty believable on this.

They're repaving my lot, remember?

Lt'll only be for one night.
It'll be like old times.

Why is he doing this?

You have to know Bobby
still carries a torch for you.

- Deep down I think I always knew.
- [Door opening]

- You know what the worst part is?
- [Door closing]

I like it.

- Hey, Jules.
- I mean...

How selfish do you have to be
to have sex with someone

without considering the consequences?

It was raining, and REO Speedwagon
rocks so hard.

- What are you talking about?
- What?

Just treat it like white noise.
You're gonna be fine.

Bobby's always been a guy
who protects himself emotionally.

Yeah. When we got married,
he wanted me to say "I do" first.

He also wanted me to ride my bouquet
down the aisle like a pony.

And you did, which was so sweet.

[Laurie] Because you are sweet, Jules.

You're sweet and kind
and forgiving and...

White noise.

The point is, Bobby's fishing around
to see if there's gonna be a chance.

As long as you don't fall back into
any old husband-wife type behavior,

you're gonna be safe.

And all this because I used Bobby
as a sexual get-well card.

I mean, who ultimately
has to pay the price?

I feel like I always do.

Excuse me, I believe I ordered sliders
and these are just small hamburgers,

and my palate demands
something a little more adorable.

- Fine.
- Why do you keep checking your phone?

Because I'm waiting
on a text from Kylie.

Last night, we, uh...
you know...

We spent the night together.

- You gonna tell your mom?
- Would you tell your mom?

- I still haven't.
- And now she won't return my texts.

We can figure this out.
The first time is pretty special.

- What did you say to her afterwards?
- I was late so I ran off.

Hmm.

Welcome to the brotherhood of men.

[Sighing]

Well, I couldn't tell Jules.

Did you know Jules slept with Bobby?

'Cause she was in a really bad place
and now she regrets it.

Raise your hand if you can relate.

I only meant for me to raise my hand.
You're a very hurtful person.

You know what? No one has to know
what went on between us.

Agreed.
[Sighing]

Hmm...
There's only one tiny, bald problem.

Why are you guys buying me drinks?

Hey, Jules, why are you
all the way down there?

Hey, Mom. Dad.

OK, I'm gonna ask you something,
but no follow-up questions. Deal?

- Bring it, Junior.
- Deal.

Say something amazing
happened with someone,

but you forgot to say
how amazing it was.

And now said someone
is probably really hurt.

- What would you do?
- Is this a riddle?

I would tell that someone
how you really feel.

That's all a woman
really wants to hear.

What woman? Couldn't be more lost.

Thanks for the insight, Mom.
Dad, thanks for the, uh...

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Don't you get it?
Our son lost his virginity.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

Was it me or did he seem
a little cocky now?

I do not want him to get cocky.

- He'll be fine.
- Do you know how old that makes us?

[Chuckling]
You know what else is funny? Is...

My biggest regret
is that I messed up with you.

Jules, I would kill
to have all this back.

How is that funny?

Well, it's not funny "ha-ha,"
you know, it's more whimsical.

Uh, Bobby...

You said that all a woman wants
to hear is how a man really feels.

- Well...
- I did, didn't I?

- Well.
- You just think about it, all right?

I'll be on my boat.

OK, even though
I found a pill from China

that helps with the heartburn
I get from secrets,

why would I want to keep
this particular one for you two?

Because if you tell,
it will mess up all of our friendships.

- Getting sleepy.
- We'll give you whatever you want.

And I'm back.

All right, give me a sec.
I want Bobby's bar tab cleared.

- That's it?
- No. I want him to know that I did it.

And, Laurie, I want you...

To never tell Ellie
that you saw me completely naked?

She's ruining it.

I have to go talk to him, don't I?

- You do.
- Will you do it for me?

Sweetie, I wish I could.

[Groaning]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Remember this morning when you were
so happy and I called you Mr. McNeedy?

- I feel bad about that.
- Good, you should.

Sorry about the 'tude.
I got a few beers in me.

Sweetie...

The second that
you walk into the house, I relax.

Even on days when I get so mad
that I actually do call a lawyer,

I just remind myself how scary
it would be to be out there drifting...

...alone...

[Ellie] It's weird with relationships.

Two people can start off
in the same place...

Kylie, you're such an amazing person.

Bobby, you are such an amazing person.

...and then for whatever reasons,
they split off in different directions.

I'm sorry I didn't say it
this morning, but I'm so glad

that my first time was with you.

Kylie, I love you.

Bobby, I love you.

But not in that way anymore.

[Chuckling]

Well, you're not pulling any punches.

I just want to be really clear,
for both of our sakes.

Honey, I'm so sorry, but...

...we're just not gonna end up
back together again.

We have so much history
and we are...

We're always going to be attached.

But our happy ending is us as friends,
raising our son together.

Hey, you can think about it
longer if you want.

I wish I needed to.

I guess what I'm trying to say
is that I love you

and I'm so happy that I'm not
out there having to start over

and look for what we have,

because it's hard to find
and even harder to keep.

I'm sorry,
I'm just in an emotional place.

I'm glad you're here.

What? How does that long,
boring speech not end with sex?

Goodnight, Andy.

* Sex with your ex
It's really great

* Oh, but sex with your ex
is a big mistake

* No, no, no

* Sex with your ex

* Sex with your ex

* Sex with your ex

* It's the best

* But you'll regret
Sex with your ex *

[singing high notes]

Very Earth, Wind & Fire.

Or not.