Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 15 - When a Kid Goes Bad - full transcript

Oh, my God, that bag
is soaked with grease.

I'll tell you right now,
I don't care what's in it.

I'm eatin' it.
It's a human head.

Well, if it's deep-fried,
I'm still in.

Oh, Travis, this is
my favorite fried chicken!

Oh, wow!

Wait. Why?

Are you on drugs?
Is someone pregnant? Huh?

Oh, God.
You know what, Travis?

No matter what it is, honey,
we are gonna get through it.

Whenever they open
a new chicken dandies,



the first 50 people in line
get free food for a month.

So after waiting behind a large
gentleman for 20-plus hours

who was using a paint bucket
as a both a chair and a commode,

you're looking at
customer number three.

How did you wait in line so long
without missing school?

Waffle fry?

Did you really call Travis
in sick from school

so you two could wait in line
for free chicken?

Shoot. I forgot to call
his school, didn't I?

Wow, you're still not great
at zoning in on why I'm angry.

Look, in my defense, I just ate
a gallon jug of free coleslaw.

My brain's
a little mayonnaise-y.

Bobby, when it comes to Travis,
you have to talk to me first.

I know we're divorced,



but we still have to do all
of our parenting together, okay?

We're a team.
Fine, but I get to pick the team mascot.

Coleslaw!

Wait, let me try that again.

You're still stuck on coleslaw.
Won't get out of my head.

Where's Jules?

Andy and I are going on
a romantic couples lunch,

and I want her to come with us.

She's across the street getting a pedicure.

Ooh, I love that
she's doing that.

It's nothing weird.
I just like feet.

And Asians.
Charming.

Wait here. I'm gonna
go to that lingerie store

and pick out what you're
buying me for Valentine's day.

Get sexy panties.
I love panties!

Panties and feet.

All right. Oh, do you know
what panties are?

They're a type of clothes
that most women wear

under their skirts.

Pass.

So... what are you doing
for Valentine's day?

You know that guy Smith I'm dating?
Nope.

Doesn't matter.

He's driving home
from law school.

He wants me to meet his dad.
Isn't that romantic?

That depends
on what you three are doin'.

Feet, panties, Asians
and threesomes.

Lettin' it all out today.

My cousin runs a Web site
that you'd really be into.

There's actually
a picture on there

of my bare feet dripping in honey.
You're honey toes?

Yeah.
Oh, my God! You are.

This whole dad thing
just has me so nervous.

Andy!

Sorry. You'll be fine.

Just do what I did
when I first met Ellie's folks...

be yourself, only less Latino.

Oh, look. There's a little old
bird's nest on the windowsill.

Oh, hey, did you ever have
that conversation with Andy

about doing some
downstairs man grooming?

Didn't have to. I signed him up
for an eyebrow wax,

which is really a bikini wax.

Andy will be so turned on
by all the screaming Koreans,

he won't know what hit him until
he's sliding around our bed

- like a canned ham.
- I'm not really big on the manscaping.

You don't husk the corn? Nah.
If it's humid, I might throw in

a little leave-in conditioner
down the.

Anyway, thanks for the coffee

- and the really weird
personal conversation. - Bye.

You have let too many people
into our coffee circle.

Why don't you just invite

those creepy home-schooled kids
from next door?

They can wow us with math skills while they stab us to death.
Fine. Who do you want to be in our coffee circle?

Just you and me. This is our shopping
circle argument all over again.

So, mom, since we have
a relationship

professionals have deemed "unhealthy"...
They have.

That's cute. David Schoenberg's
having a party this weekend.

Are...
no, his parents won't be there.

Will... yes, there will be beer,
but I won't be drinking.

How are you gonna say no?!

This is ridiculous!

What just happened?

It's called parenting, Ellie.
Try and keep up.

Jules.

May I present...

Smith Frank.

Wow. You're, uh, you're
even prettier than Laurie said.

Strong start, Smith.

Even though he dresses
like an accountant,

check this out...
whbam! Crazy socks!

We feel these say
I can still get funky.

Well, it's business upstairs
and party downstairs. I like it.

Wow, you seem perfect. Right?

I mean, almost too perfect.
What's your dirty secret, Smith?

I will not be questioned
by a woman.

Oh, my God. That was...
that was... funnier in my head.

Um, I'm... I'm sorry. That was...

yeah, I'm feeling
a little nauseous,

- so I think I'm gonna, um...
- Sit.

I like him.
Me, too!

Tell Henderson
that I think that

a zero-down commercial re-fi
in a cratering economy

is a slam dunk idea!

Whoa. That is some grade "a"
smart guy gibberish.

And look at this office.

If I ever I sold my boat,
I could live here.

- No.
- Okay, I was just thinking out loud, brother.

Man, you are like the big dog

with low-hanging fruit around
here, aren't you? Watch this.

Paul!
Yes, sir?

See? That's work Andy.

He's sexy. Is that how
you bagged Ellie?

Work Andy
also makes a lot of dough.

Gotcha. Hey, you want
to go grab lunch?

Sorry. I gotta prep
for a meeting tomorrow.

Big potential client.

If I manage this guy's money,
it would be a career changer.

Oh! That's Ellie.

She's helping me stay focused
on what's important.

Hey, honey.
I want a new car!

It's nice to have someone
in my corner.

It's your old
High school photo album.

Well, this isn't going
to go well for me, is it?

For you? No.
For me? Delicious.

In this picture,

you appear to be in a moving car
with a beer in both hands.

Fun!
I'm not driving.

Oh, so I can drink
as long as I'm not driving.

You're twisting my words.
You're a word twister.

Ellie, he's a word twister.
The hypocritical photo album.

Keep looking, Travis.
You'll find out'

why she named your hamsters "Jager"
and "Meister." you with beer.

You doing shots.

Ooh! Cigarettes!

Were those as cool
as they look?

Sometimes. You're probably right
not to let me go to the party.

I mean, you were allowed
to have fun as a kid.

And now you can't even go one
night without a glass of wine.

Yes, I can.
Okay, how about tonight?

Well, I can't do it tonight.
It's Wednesday. Tomorrow.

No, I can't do it tomorrow.
And then it's the weekend,

and then, well,
that's just crazy talk.

Um, how about
I don't drink for a night

starting Monday morning? Mrs.
Torres, are you gonna be around later

if I want to do an intervention?
My speech is already written.

All right, fine!
I'll do it tonight. Good luck.

I don't need luck, Travis.
Mmm! Mmm!

Oh, give it to me.

Really? Two seconds?

What?
I'm still drinking it.

Well, enjoy the day,

knowing you've taken
what little social life I have

and murdered it.

I'm not in the mood
for the 'tude, dude.

Rhyme-five. Thank you.
All right.

You're incredibly annoying.

Thanks, sweetie. Love you.

So what are you and Andy doing
for Valentine's day?

And buy up
all the Valentine's day cards.

Then we watch
the forgetful husbands panic.

There is nothing better
than watching a man

buying a Bar Mitzvah card
trying to change

the Star of David into a heart.

Laurie has plans, too.
What about you?

Who's the lucky young girl
off your boink list

that gets the golden ticket?
On Valentine's day?

None of them. That would
imply caring. Wrong message.

You know what I just realized?

You're gonna be the mistake
that all those girls learn from.

Yeah. I do it for them.

Well, you know,
you and I could hang out.

You know, just as friends. You
know, we can drink some beers,

make fun of how lame
Valentine's day is.

But not too much

because it's the most beautiful
holiday God ever created.

It's a fake holiday
created by candy companies

- to prey on sad and lonely women.
- Hello.

Ahh. He's gonna be here
any minute.

Oh, hey, relax.

You wearing
those lucky boxers I got you?

Wiener dogs and balloons!

Yeah, baby!

Mr. Frank is here.

Uh, all right.

Uh, wait 12 seconds
and then send him in. Thank you.

All right.

Confidence dance.

Boom! Go get 'em, champ.

Ah, Mr. Frank.
Please come on in.

Robert "Bobby" Cobb. Another one
of Andrew's clients here.

Tell Henderson I think that

a zero-down commercial re-fi
in a cratering economy

is a slam dunk idea. But assuming more
debt prohibits a positive cash flow,

wouldn't you say?

I gotta pee.

You know, um,

having Christmas lights up
six weeks after Christmas

is actually dangerous.
How so?

Because if you don't take them
down, I'm gonna feed them to you

and then yank them
out the other end

like I'm starting a lawn mower.
I love our little talks.

When I'm in the treadmill
looking out the window,

they're driving me insane.
I don't even turn 'em on. How can you see 'em?

I know they're there. I'll take 'em down.
Okay. It's no biggie.

It is a huge biggie.
You're in our coffee circle now,

and Ellie considers herself
Alpha dog.

If you give in, she's gonna
dominate you forever.

You just make all the rules

about parties and drinking
without talkin' to me?

What happened to parenting
as team coleslaw?

Have fun with that.
Now we're even.

Travis, we'll never be even.

Do I need to show you
my scar from my c-section?

It's got a hair
growing in it now.

Come on, it's not that gross.
Yeah, it is.

Knocked the wind out of me. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. There's two of them.

I like your club.

Thank you.

Tell me, am I the, uh,

first Hispanic person ever to set foot in here?
Is the rock Hispanic?

No, but he can pass
for anything.

That's why his career
is on fire.

Dad.

Smith.
Laurie.

Andy?
Roger.

Yeah, I know
I just said my own name.

I like the sound of it.

Plus, we haven't met.
I'm Roger Frank.

Oh. Laurie Keller.

Yes, the one
for needy families.

That explains why my gift said
"for girl age 6 to 10."

Who wants a giant drink?

I do! Yeah, that'd be great.
Thank you.

Yes, I decided that
our underage son can't drink.

But to be fair, I didn't me up
that rule. America did.

You think by just telling him
"no," he's not gonna do it?

Hell, Jules, your parents told you not to sleep with me.
Yeah, even after we were married.

You're just creating a... really?
Yeah.

Look, you're just creating a situation

where Travis will be
so afraid to get caught

he won't call for a ride home if he's been drinkin'.
Do you have a better idea?

Maybe I do, but you might not
like it. So first...

confidence dance!

Jules?

I hate that I have to do it with you.
Me on.

So you never answered me
about Valentine's day.

Come on, we could hang out
like two guys

and drink beer
and have a farting contest.

That's what guys do when they're alone, right?
That's what I do with my friends.

So what else can we do
on our un-Valentine's day?

Why don't we just skip it?
Okay, well, that's one idea.

But, you know,
let's keep spit-balling.

Any other day but today. Is that okay?
Sure. It's no big deal.

Oh!
Oh, God.

What are you doing?!

Mrs. Ellie tell me
take them down the lights.

Alpha dog.

Hey. Let's eat quick so we can
go home and knock one out.

I like that I never wonder
what you're thinking.

I know. Hmm.

I guess a quarter-of-a-million-dollar
education

doesn't teach you not to
bed down trailer trash, right?

Well...

Uh, a quarter-million dollars.

Oh, think of how many of those
watches you could've bought. One.

Stunning, really.

She looks like she belongs
on a truck's mud flap.

You know, when I was a kid, you
know, whenever I saw a truck,

I'd always, you know...

I was...
I like trucks.

You don't agree that Smith
is way out of her league?

No. No, no, no.
I-I-I... I'm... I'm with you.

I-I agree.

Uh. That...

That girl is not classy.

Do you know how old I was

the first time
I got really drunk?

I don't know. 9?

Ha! Trick question.

Never been really drunk.
I have a monster tolerance.

The point is... nod, there
is no point to that story.

All right,
the completely new thought is,

your mom doesn't want
you drinking. Neither do I.

But you're gonna do what you do,
so here's the deal.

If you drink, do not drive.

Call me, and I'll drive you
home. No questions asked.

Does mom know about this?
Our secret. You cool with that?

Totally cool.
What's totally cool?

Jazz.
Sharks.

Jazz sharks? Yeah, you know,
the, uh, the basketball team.

Yeah, the Miami jazz sharks.

I guess that's cool.

Jazz sharks!

Ooh. Yeah, I do like it.

She could look that up.
She's not going to.

Oh, hey.
Happy Valentine's day, Trav.

Okay, for my present,
I want you to give me

the same thing you gave me
when you were 5.

I want a kiss on the lips.
Raise your hand if you find that disturbing.

Only you, my friend.

Oh, man, I can't believe

all the stupid stuff we did
when I was a kid.

I mean, it's amazing
that we didn't die.

I almost drowned when I was 12,
bodysurfing under the pier.

I was technically dead
for, like, two minutes.

Luckily, no brain damage.

Too easy.

I know that Travis thinks
I'm overprotective.

But that's all
that parenting really is,

is just trying
to keep your kid from dying.

When he was a baby, it was
soft spots and swimming pools.

And when he's 50,

it'll be heart attacks
and Russian prostitutes.

No, I'm not joking.
One got my uncle.

What happened?

Why are you in
the ball of madness?

To suck up to Roger Frank,

I said some really mean things
about a nice person.

But you don't do
stuff like that. I do.

That's why we're known as
the nice guy and the other one.

You don't have to change
who you are to get ahead, Andy.

Who'd you trash?
Laurie.

Laurie?! You tricked me!

Ball back up and think about
what you just did! Oh!

Are you mad because we're not
hanging out tonight?

No, I'm good.
All good in the hood.

I'm glad you're not mad.
I know Valentine's day is goofy.

It's just that I haven't
spent one alone since I was 11.

That's when the girls
showed up.

I've had 30 straight years of
being a Valentine's day winner,

and, well, now I'm not, and...

That's why this one's
gonna suck.

All right, let's see
if this thing works.

Hello, Ellie!

Son of a bitch!

Did you ow in French,

"Valentine" means
"to get buck naked"?

Would you like to see
me Valentine, Doris?

You said there was free chicken.

Hello?

I only had, like, three beers.
I wasn't even gonna drink,

but Dave Schoenberg went to robotics
camp, and... this some kind of nerd party?

No.

Anyway, Dave brought out
his beer-serving robot...

hey, we've all been there,
Buddy.

All right, we'll get
your mom's car tomorrow.

Now I want you
to sneak in the back

while I create a distraction doing
trash raccoons. Trash raccoons?

Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

I was married to your dad
for 20 years.

You think I don't know
trash raccoons?

Let me smell your breath.
Mnh-mnh.

Have you ever gone against
everything you stand for

just for money?
Many, many times.

Smith's dad told me
what you said about me.

"Not classy," huh?

I thought
we were friends, Andy.

I am so sorry. You know what?
Hit me. I deserve it.

Just not in the crotch
'cause I wanna have another kid.

Ellie doesn't know that
so please don't say anything.

All right, go ahead.
Wait. Go ahead.

We're totally kidding, dude. Ah.
That was not a strong moment for you.

No, for him, that was okay.
So we're... we're all good then?

Andy, I get that you're being

all business chummy
with his dad.

I am so not offended.

Plus, honey, I have
been called way worse...

skank, tramp, white devil.

I liked that one so much
I put it on my license plate.

Hey, Grayson.
Here's your bush.

Hey, honey!
Hi... hey, babe.

You're grounded.
No car and a curfew.

And say good-bye to
your little swimsuit calendar.

Why?

Well, it's not
part of the punishment.

It's just obvious.
Dude, don't be that guy. Whatever.

"Whatever"?! Did you just
"whatever" me? Really?

Hey, how did you get home tonight?

Tell me you didn't drive.
I dint.

Well, then how'd you get home?

Have I looked at these
long enough

for you to believe
that I checked them over?

I didn't bring my reading glasses.
Very convincing, sir.

Excellent. Let's seal the deal
with a toast.

Uh, Mr. Frank, I need to
clear the air about something.

I said some really mean things

about the young woman your son
is seeing, and they aren't true.

Laurie is actually a, uh,
a great girl with a big heart.

And you should be happy
Smith is with her.

I'm waiting for the punch line.

Yeah. Uh, there...
there is no punch line.

But I can only hope you'll
respect me a little bit more

for being truthful.

You're not even gonna let me
finish my steak, are ya? No.

Come on!

Sorry, dad.
Mom's gonna crush you.

Don't worry about it, okay?
Our deal still stands.

You always call
if you need me.

Thank you.
Travis.

I need to talk to your dad.

Bobby, I cannot believe...

We pulled this off!
Oh, my God!

Your plan worked!

I stick to my rule... drinking
equals massive punishment...

But if he does drink, I drive
him home, keep him alive.

Wait, doesn't he know you're
always gonna rat him out to me

before you go pick him up? Nope.
He thinks I'm his buy. Kid's a dope.

Bobby Cobb, you're a genius.

Hey, that's the first time
you called me a genius

without being like,
"way to go, genius."

Well, I think
that this event...

like any event in life,
good or bad...

calls for a glass of wine.
Okay?

Ooh, rain check, J-bird.
I got plans.

It's Valentine's day,
for God sake.

I forgot.

"It's Valentine's day." eh.

I felt so bad
that I got you this

it's gonna grow to be
exactly like your old bush.

You know, in a thousand years.

Until then, just consider it
a friendly reminder

that it's just much easier
to do what I want you to do.

Thank you.

Oh!
I got you something, too.

Oh. You're pretty proud
of yourself, aren't ya?

It's beautiful!

Aah look at the sad girl,
with her silk sweater.

Merry Valentine's day!

Look what you did.
I figured it wouldn't be so bad

to spend tonight
with a few friends.

Plus, Ellie's here.

You'll get yours, my friend.
And, you... I am so sorry I blew it.

I am so proud of you.
Don't tell anyone.

Now who wants champagne?
I do.

Get back in your room, Travis.

Thanks for doing this.

No problem.

Okay, time to get real.

You don't like me, and I don't like you.
Correct? Absolutely.

I don't like him either.

Smith, don't disrespect
your father. It's not sexy.

Well, is this sexy?

What?

It is Valentine's day, right?

Smith! Oh, my God!

No! You...

It's tight.

Oh!
I... I... I can't...

I...

Dad? It was...
it was just a joke!

I know. She warned me.

Why? I thought this would be funnier.
It totally was. Fist pound. No...