Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life (2016): Season 1, Episode 7 - How to Survive Old Friends - full transcript

♪ ♪

In life, you're gonna find
that friends from your past

are gonna want to reconnect with you.

And sometimes that's great.

(siren wailing)

(tires screech)

Is that bad?

This seems bad!

Other times, not so much.

My name is Cooper Barrett.

And I'm here to warn
you about the dangers



of having a buddy come
crash on your couch.

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are
here to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

- _
- (siren chirps)

- MAN: You've got ten minutes.
- MAN 2 (over radio): One on the gate.

You guys are the worst.

Why am I hanging out with
a bunch of 25-year-olds?

Because you're a middle-aged man

- who got married at 22.
- Middle-aged?!

And is now trying to recapture his youth.

Since when is 37 middle-aged?

I'm gonna end up in
prison drinking toilet wine

- 'cause Barry screwed up again.
- Hold up, how did I screw up?



- Are you kidding me?
- I mean, we're in here because of Josh!

Me? Kelly tried to kill my wife.

- How do I...?!
- Guys, guys, guys!

It's nobody's fault.

MAN (over radio): Inmate
reception, inmate reception.

- Except maybe Josh's.
- Thank you.

- Yes.
- What?!

We'll be fine just as
long as we stick together

and we tell the truth.

Tell the truth... got it.

MAN: State your name.

Donald Funnelberg.

We know it's Barry Sandel.

Damn!

Neal Fissley.

Um...

what else you guys want to know?

Um... (clears throat)

I want to grab your gun.

No, I mean, I mean I'm
having, like, a lot of thoughts

about grabbing your gun.

It's so shiny.

Josh Barrett, but before I
answer any more questions,

I should probably talk to an attorney.

Oh, wait a second, I am an attorney.

(chuckles) I'll just give you a second

to wrap your heads around that one.

Kelly Bishop.

I live across the hall from the guys.

And you're just friends?

Yeah, yeah, just friends.

Why?

What'd Cooper say?

Absolutely, just friends, yeah.

Why, did-did she say something different?

'Cause, you know, we kissed
last month at a Clippers game,

and we haven't really
talked about it since.

- Do you guys think that's weird?
- We don't care.

What happened to Cameron Rash?

Cameron?

Oh, uh...

Yeah, well, I guess, uh,

that all started a couple weeks ago.

See, my roommates and I are
launching this hangover cure,

and, uh, we were in the middle

of a very important business meeting.

Look, guys, come on, our
investors are gonna want to see

some progress, and we haven't
even come up with a name yet.

So far, your votes are "Amelia Earhart."

Man, I thought we was playing charades.

- That's not bad.
- Next vote.

- "Cooper Sucks."
- (laughs)

- That was mine.
- COOPER: Not a viable name.

Should I even bother reading this one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good
one. Read it. You'll like it.

- "Cooper Sucks."
- Oh, hey!

Guys, come on, I know business
meetings are boring, but can we

just focus for the next half hour?

- JOSH: Yeah.
- (door opens)

What is up, my brothers?

(all clamoring)

NEAL: Cameron Rash!

- CAMERON: Come here!
- What's up, Cam?

Hey, hey, Cam.

(laughing)

Hey, Cam. It's good to see you, man.

The truth is, Cam and I

were kind of tight in college,

but a little of him went a long way.

Besides, we're not in
college anymore, right?

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh... ♪

Oh! (whooping)

(knocking)

- (laughing)
- Just like the old times.

Last time I saw you,

you were in your brother's dorm room

shotgunning beers with his friends.

I miss those days.

Hi, can you keep it down in here?

I'm trying to... shirtless.

Oh, what's up? Cam Rash.

Hi.

Kelly, abs.

What?

I don't know why I said that.

Kelly, muscular.

Cam's just a buddy of ours from college.

He's just been, uh...

Yeah, what have you been up to, man?

Oh, you know, just
trekking though the, uh,

jungle of Guatemala.

Managing a zip line in Jualamaniña.

- NEAL: Nice.
- Jualamaniña's not a place.

- No, it's a place.
- I've actually been there, Cooper.

- It's totally a place.
- Jualamaniña!

Awesome place.

- Not a place.
- Quiet, let him finish.

Hey, you guys want to
go get some cocktails?

- Yeah!
- Yes, great idea.

I'll just call my wife and tell her

we're running Neal to the hospital

because we found a lump on his testicle.

Why do your alibis
always involve my balls?

Because I am saving
your prostate for Vegas.

Uh, yeah, Cam, we were
actually in the middle

- of a business meeting, so...
- What?!

CAMERON: Oh, yeah, I
don't want to impose.

FYI... I'm staying for a week.

Where should I put my stuff? (laughs)

- You're so handsome.
- Oh, the Rash ain't going away!

Bam! Hey, come on, guys, just one second.

- Can I talk to you two for a second?
- Me?

Yeah, no, we're concerned. He's scared.

It's scary, uh...

You know what, guys, I don't think

it's a great idea if Cam stays here.

What are you talking
about, man? We love Cam.

Yeah, I know, of course.
We all, we all love him.

But you know what? I'm gonna drop a bomb.

I don't love him.

I think he's selfish,
crude and destructive.

And if he stays here, it's gonna be

the biggest mistake we ever made.

Okay, got it.

All right. Okay. Message received.

Cam, come put your stuff right here, man!

NEAL: Our casa es tu casa.

- (all clamoring)
- Come here, man.

Yeah, oh, oh.

COOPER: I wasn't happy about
Cam staying, but, you know,

I was hopeful he'd changed.

He had.

He was worse.

In just eight days,

our place was the worst it's ever been.

And we live with a pig.

(drumming nearby)

Dude, you are not gonna
believe what just happened here.

Let me take a shot.

You were making one of your
disgusting green smoothies.

You dropped this fork into the blender,

it explodes everywhere;
instead of cleaning it up,

you decide to get high,

but you're not gonna look for matches,

so you use the stove to light this towel,

you pass out, the towel
sets the chair on fire,

but the sprinklers don't work,

so you decide to put it out using

a combination of urine and bong water.

Wrong! It was this fork, so, uh...

Oh, no, wait, it was that fork, sorry.

Look, I'm gonna go do some, uh...

(whooshing)

...capoeira out in the park.

(laughs) See ya.

Shut the door so James
Franco can't get out.

Got you, man.

(oinking, squeals)

Whoa, James Franco!

Come on, James Franco, come on.

Yeah, I know.

I don't want to go in there, either.

Good boy.

(sighing)

- He almost got out again.
- Yeah, it's almost like it's a mistake

to have a 300-pound
pig in your apartment.

(chuckles)

Hey, so, um...

I'm going out with Cam tonight.

Are you serious?

Why?

Is there any reason I shouldn't?

(laughs)

Uh, yeah.

He's the worst human being in the world.

And if you go out with him,

it will be the biggest
mistake of your life.

Got it.

Message received.

COOPER: And just like Barry and Neal,

she ignored me.

You know, seeing my
grandfather struggle to walk,

it made me want to help him.

And so that's why I became
a physical therapist.

- Quick question.
- Yeah?

What time are we gonna have sex tonight?

When are we who?

Our sex... when are we
gonna have it tonight?

'Cause I'm just trying to
figure out how much I need to eat

and if it's gonna be after 10:00,

I'm gonna order the whole chicken.

Oh.

Right.

Would you just excuse me for a second?

Everything okay, miss?

Sorry, I just need to stand here

for a second while I try to wrap my mind

around something that just happened.

Okay, got it.

As quickly as you can,

can you bring us the check?

I'm about to give this guy
the ol' I'm not feeling it.

- (burps)
- Oh, God!

Nice rip, Cam.

Listen, Kelty, I'm...

It's Kelly.

(shushes) Me first, okay?

I think you're great, honestly.

But something came up and
I'm not really feeling this,

so Rash out!

Whenever you're ready.

Remember, if Leslie asks,
we weren't at the bar.

We had to rush Neal
to the emergency room,

because he popped a scrotal suture.

Oh, my God.

Ah, damn it, Cam left
the door open again.

BARRY: Franco!

- This place is a mess.
- I know you're too big to hide.

No!

My fork.

BARRY: Franco!

James Franco is gone!

Man, I told y'all we
should've got a sitter!

Am I the only one getting tired
of this dude ruining my life?

I'm sorry... ruining your life?

Need I remind you he did this to me

while I was asleep last night?

BARRY: Oh, damn.

You look like Demi Lovato.

Stop trying to make me feel better.

Hey, guys, look, let me be
the first to say this, okay?

I think Cam might be a terrible person.

Whoa, you're gonna be
the first to say it?

I think Barry's onto something here.

Anyone hear me talking?

I said that exact same thing a week ago.

Yeah, but we just
thought you were jealous,

'cause you guys always
used to compete over

who was the leader of the group.

- That's nuts.
- Yeah, I am.

Where's Cam?

Huh.

Get up!

I think your friend Cam

might be the worst
human being in the world.

Okay, that is, word for word,
exactly what I said to you.

Yeah, I thought you were just
saying that 'cause you were jealous.

BARRY: That's what we said.

Guys, the next time I tell you someone's a
horrible person, he's probably a horrible person.

Look, I got to go find James
Franco. If I was a piggy,

where would I go?

To market.

NEAL: Hang on.

He's out cold.

I think there's something
we should do first.

(buzzing)

COOPER: The following morning,

I woke up and took a
look at our handiwork.

Our work looks even
better in the daylight.

I'm worried the bow tie's a little much.

Are you kidding? It ties
the whole look together.

I want him to stop sleeping. So
he can see what we did to him.

He's still not up?

I need to tell him
that I wasn't feeling it

before he wasn't feeling it,

- if I ever want to sleep again.
- I can see

- why that would be important to you.
- Hey, guys?

I think Cam's dead.

Unless something happened
that'd make your problem

seem very trivial.

- I can't believe Cam's dead.
- Do you think we killed him?

Yeah, we killed him with a felt-tip pen.

We felt-tip penned him to death.

It's just so sad that
he died without knowing

that I wasn't into him
before he wasn't into me.

If it's any consolation,

I'm sure somewhere, deep
down, he knew you hated him.

Cameron Rash was the best
person in the whole wide world.

- Let's not get crazy.
- I loved him so much.

- Someone needs to call 911.
- You guys realize

we defiled the body of a dead man.

Yeah, you're right. This looks bad.

- So you cleaned him up?
- Okay.

But let me... let me be very clear.

I did not touch the body.

NEAL: This stuff won't come off.

COOPER: Neal, don't
forget the bow tie. Barry,

why aren't you picking up?
Stop looking for James Franco

and get back here. Cam's dead.

- Who called 911?
- I did.

And then we went outside
to wait for the paramedics,

'cause... (chuckling) who
wants to be around a dead guy?

You're pretty... shut down emotionally.

Thank you.

Body's in here on the couch!

But when we brought the
paramedics back inside...

You said he was dead!

I'm a computer programmer!

So we just assumed he
woke up and took off,

leaving us with an $800
fine from the stupid city.

I mean, the best city in the world ever.

So what happened to him?

Okay, I'll tell you
exactly what happened.

I was out putting up
flyers for James Franco,

and when I came home...

Cam was passed out on the couch.

Cam?

I get nothing. Cam?

I got a fresh Slurpee in my
hand, so I walk over to him,

and I'm like, "Yo, Cam."

Cam!

Oh, hell no!

Threw my Slurpee on him,
still didn't wake up. Cam, Cam!

I slap him, still didn't wake up.

Slap him again. Bam!

The second slap was the real slap.

That was the one that was
supposed to wake him up.

Then he still don't move.

I pick his big ass up, walk him out.

Oh, my God!

(sobbing)

I'm kicking open doors,
jumping down stairs.

I'm like Bruce Willis.

I'm moving fast, I'm swift,

dying hard, right?

Body's in here on the couch!

BARRY: Cam! All right, we're
gonna be at the hospital soon!

Don't you go into that light,

- you son of a bitch!
- (phone chimes)

Okay, got a voice mail.

Somebody's popular!

AUTOMATED VOICE: You
have one new message.

COOPER: Barry, stop looking for
James Franco and get back here.

Cam's dead.

Oh, my God!

- (tires screeching)
- Oh, man, get out the way!

So you realized he was dead?

What'd you do next?

You know, guys, I feel like we're talking

too much about Barry.

What's next for Detective Ferriday?

What time are your mom and
dad bringing Gracie home?

Around 6:00. They want to
take her to "Germboree."

- (chuckles)
- I know it's Gymboree, but I call it that

because of the germs.

Yeah. That's a good one. I love it.

- I should totally submit that to Ellen.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna write that down.
- No, no, no!

- Wait. Not here. In the kitchen.
- Why?

Boundaries. What did we say?

- This is my office hours.
- Okay, okay, okay.

- Stop talking.
- All right.

Stop. It's a "Germboree."

It's not a Gymboree.

(grunting)

Have you lost your mind?

I ran out of gas. Plus, Cam is dead!

Why would you bring him here, then?

Why don't you take him to the police?

Man, if you was a black man

driving around with a dead white guy

in the back of your ice cream truck,

you'd know the answer to that!

- That's a good point.
- LESLIE: Hon, is someone at the door?

What? Oh, uh...

It's just these stupid cookie kids!

- Take him to the garage.
- Help me!

Okay. Is he really dead?

Man, he dead as hell!

I told him don't go into the light!

Shh! Quiet!

On three. Ready?

- Ready.
- Okay.

Here we go.

One...

(thud)

I thought you said "eight."

What?

Put him in.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Let's go. Hurry.

LESLIE (in distance): All
right, have a good day, honey!

Okay, you, too!

I love you so much!

She's gone.

Dude, this is getting bad, man!

Real bad!

What-what is this, granite?

Huh? No, it's quartz.

Yeah, nonporous.

I got a guy in Tarzana
if you want the number.

Uh, look, all we have to
do is drive the body back,

put him on the couch,
call the paramedics,

no one will be the wiser.

- No need to panic.
- (engine starts)

(minivan driving off)

Oh, shoot.

Leslie! Wait!

BARRY: There goes our dead guy.

Now you can panic.

(screams)

Hey, babe. I, uh, I noticed
you took the-the minivan.

Any particular reason?

Yeah. I-I had errands to run.

Why? Did you need it?

What? No. Why would I need it?

Because there's a dead
body in the back of the...

Zip it! Zip it!

Josh, it smells like
something died in here.

Oh, uh, yeah.

That's, uh, my-my gym bag.

I think I left it in the back there.

So, so funky. I'd steer clear.

So what, uh, errands are
you running specifically?

Specifically? Uh...

I'm gonna go to the cleaners,

and then I've got a big
grocery shop at Hayward's.

Oh, yeah. On Ventura?

Oh! I just thought of a new joke.

How do you know you're
at the Hayward's Market

on Ventura?

Ha, so good. Got to go.

COOPER: After finding out
that Cam was still alive,

I wanted him and his
stuff out of our apartment.

Where do you think he went?

Mm, I don't know.

He's probably going door to door,

telling people that he
wasn't feeling me first.

You know, he might not be
as fixated on that as you,

but, you know what, don't listen to me.

I'm probably just jealous. (chuckles)

You know, the fact you'd even say that

is laughable.

Cooper, you did kiss me
at the basketball game.

Okay, we were on a
kiss-cam; it's the law.

Besides, you kissed me,
too. I don't even want

to talk about this with you!

- Neither do I!
- Good!

You know, at least I didn't run
away and disappear for 12 hours.

I went to pee and got kidnapped.

(scoffs) Why is that so hard to believe?

Besides, I tried to talk
to you about it after,

and you slammed the door in my face.

Okay, you know what, fine.

Here's your opportunity.

What were you gonna say?

The kiss was unbelievable.

And how'd she react
when you told her that?

Well...

I never got the chance.

That was Josh.

Cam's dead again.

Okay, any minute now,

my wife will come out
of that grocery store,

go to load her groceries and
find a dead body in the...

Keep it moving, Grandma.

No amount of trauma to Neal's nuts

- will keep her from divorcing me.
- Oh, my God.

Which is why we need to act fast.

Josh, call Leslie right now.

Tell her you want her
to make paella tonight.

BARRY: Cooper, we all hungry, okay?

But you got to focus
on the plan right now.

No. Paella has a lot of ingredients,

so it's gonna take her longer to shop.

Exactly. Which should give us

enough time for Josh, Neal and me

to get the minivan back to the apartment,

drop the body off, meet
back here before she's done.

But what if she finishes
shopping before we get back?

Then, Barry and Kelly,
you're gonna bump into her

and start small talk to
keep her inside the store.

Got it.

Hold on, where-where in the play

do we eat the damn paellas?

All right, let's do this.

♪ ♪

Unfortunately, Leslie did
wrap up before Cooper got back,

but I was on the case.

I set up an accidental meeting

by doing the old shopping cart bump.

- Bam!
- (Leslie screams)

- Hey! Oh!
- Oh, no, I-I-I... I...

Girl, what are you up to?

Worst cart bump ever.

I mean, if that happened
in the beverage section,

she'd be dead right now.

Then what?

And then we obviously made
sure that Leslie was okay.

And then we did our part
by keeping her in the store.

- I mean, I love Fuji apples.
- Oh!

- I mean, and Pink Ladies? Bomb.
- Oh, God.

- Where are you on Gala?
- Hmm.

- Galas are cool.
- BARRY: Mm-hmm.

Hey, you know what's another fruit?

- Peaches!
- Peaches!

Yes, those are a fruit. (laughing)

Peaches. Okay.

I think someone stole my minivan.

(siren wailing, tires screeching)

Is that bad?

This seems bad!

Anybody else think that's for us?

Leslie must have seen the car
was gone and called the cops.

- We never should've trusted Barry!
- Would everyone just relax?

As long as they don't open the
trunk, everything will be okay.

- Were you gonna grab his gun?
- How much do you think it weighs?

All good, Officer?

I-I'm the registered
owner of this vehicle.

It's not stolen or...

Sir, we pulled you over
for a broken taillight.

You need to get this fixed.

Oh, uh, yeah, absolutely, sir.

I will do that first
thing, uh, in the morning.

Thank you so much for your service.

Thank you.

Josh one, po-po zero.

Hey, Karen, does this look like blood?

And hair?

Would you mind opening up the trunk?

Okay, Officers, we can explain this.

- Funny story about that.
- I have a broken testicle.

- Just open the trunk.
- We will.

Let me just say that there...

is a dead body in there.

In where?

(sputters)

I don't remember what happened, man.

I woke up in back of this van,

and I had no wallet and no money, and...

(gasps)

...I needed some snacks. (burps)

(crunching)

So, what?

Is there, like, a fine

for, uh, shoplifting or whatever?

You're not in here for shoplifting.

What am I in here for?

- Drugs?
- Drugs?

- Drugs?
- What are drugs?

- What drugs?
- These drugs.

We found this in your pants pocket.

It's a Cambodian root drug

that, when taken too
frequently, can induce a coma.

And it's illegal to deal in the States.

(laughing)

"Deal."

My man, do I look like
a drug dealer to you?

No, no, no. That's ridiculous.

There's, like, less than a gram in there.

Yeah.

But then we found half a pound in here.

I'll give you guys half

if you let me go, like, right now.

Oh! The sweet smell of freedom.

Ah. Gracie.

There you go.

So, what's the takeaway?

Well, don't deal drugs.

- I think we can all agree on that.
- Hey.

Sorry we didn't listen to you
about letting Cam stay with us.

Ah, it's cool. Truth is,
you weren't totally off base

about me feeling competitive with him.

(scoffs) You don't need to be.

You're Cooper Barrett.

You'll always be our leader.

But also you're gonna find that
a big part of life is timing...

when old friends fit into
your life and when they don't.

And when it's right to tell people

how you really feel about them.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Never got to finish our conversation.

Yeah, I know.

Um, I just want to say,
I-I would never want

anything to affect our friendship.

Nothing will.

And when it's better to wait.

Hi. Hey.

- Hey.
- Hello.

(clattering)

- Hey, guys.
- Oh.

He's getting away! Stop him!

Somebody stop that guy!

Every day's a journey! (laughs)

(tires screeching)

- (siren wailing)
- Stop him!

I think we'll walk.

- Yeah.
- Mm, yeah.

(siren wailing, tires screeching)

Did that clown just steal our car?

(laughs): Yeah, he's the best.

James Franco!

- Oh, man!
- (excited chatter)

Oh, my God, James!

BARRY: My boy. He got that sexy-ass walk.

I wasn't feeling it first!

Yes!