Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life (2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - How to Survive Your Roommate's Girlfriend - full transcript

(helicopter blades whirring)

In your 20s, one minute you
can be in a comfortable groove

with your friends...

and then someone new comes into the mix.

(helicopter blades whirring)

Oh, I think that
helicopter's chasing us.

You think?

(grunting)

My name is Cooper Barrett,
and I'm here to tell you

that when a buddy finds love,

things can come crashing down.



- Oh!
- (yells)

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are
here to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

_

- WOMAN: And you'll be all right, now.
- _

- I know it's worked!
- (dramatic music plays)

(woman screaming)

NEAL: Oh, my God, that's so easy.

- _
- I'd marry the girl from The Ring,

kill the girl from The Exorcist,

and sleep with the
twins from The Shining.

Trick question. They're all underage.

Damn it. Well, that's
how they got Jared Fogle.



Where's Barry? He's
missing horror movie night.

(door creaking open)

Barry?

- Aah!
- Aah!

Just Ashley, y'all...

my little sweetie pie.

Mmm...

- Oh!
- Aah!

God. Come on, Barry,
you're missing the movie.

Oh, he doesn't watch
horror movies anymore.

That's right, because it
desensitizes us to violence

and objectifies axe murderers.

- Women.
- Women.

By the way, guys, I can't
make our league tomorrow.

Me and Ashley are renovating a park.

Hold up, you're bailing
on the basketball game

to do something we can get
convicts to do for free?

Look, afterward we can come
back here and have a little...

- (whistles)
- Oh, I'd love to,

but I have, um, a thing at the library.

Baby, you know (whistles)
means sex, right?

Don't worry, I'll make it up to you.

- Mm. Mm! Mm.
- Mm! Mm.

- Ugh.
- Oh. Come on.

And I thought watching
my parents (whistles)

was disgusting.

Totally.

Wait, what?

Ashley's the worst.

She's got Barry wearing
all these nice clothes

and eating vegan food,
volunteering for charity.

What's next, a fulfilling sex life

and years of romantic happiness?

I think you guys don't
like Ashley because

she reminds you that
you're both sad and alone.

- What?
- What?

We're just just looking
out for Barry, 'cause he has

a history of rushing into
terrible relationships.

Remember Rivka? She
made him learn Hebrew

and then broke up with him
the day before his bris.

I'm just saying there's
something sketchy about Ashley,

all right? I mean,
earlier she blew him off

to go to the library. And
we all know what that means.

She's getting a book?

Ah, "getting a book?"
Poor, simple Kelly.

What is up, guys? Your are looking

at the new lawyer for the third-largest

Persian real estate
developer in Los Angeles.

Mm. It's weird that
you rank them by race.

Which means that I can
finally fulfill my dream

of getting everyone at the office

to stop talking about
Gendelman's frigging Jet Ski.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Who's Gendelman?
- Mm.

Gendelman drives Josh nuts
'cause he's a better lawyer.

Hey. He is not better a lawyer.

He just wins more cases and brings in

significantly more money into the firm.

- That's wh...
- That narrative's about to change

when I pull up to the office
in my brand-new sports car.

Josh, don't you think that
money would be better spent

on something that actually matters, like

your kid's education
or gifts for your wife?

- (engine revs)
- Poor, simple Kelly.

Ah.

- Gendelman.
- Barrett, nice car.

I thought about getting
something in yellow

but then I remembered I'm a dude.

You got a second Jet Ski.

Treated myself after
I signed the top two

Persian real estate developers.

He's such a good lawyer.

Why'd you pick this place?

Oh, you know, I had a hankering

for Oaxacan food. Plus,
it's fun to watch Neal

eat spicy things. How
many bites you had?

- None. Shut up.
- I'm sorry if it seemed like

I was taking Ashley's side before.

I just wanted you guys
to give her a chance.

No worries. You know, we
were wrong to be so skeptic...

That's Ashley coming out of the library.

- What are the odds?
- You didn't ask me to have lunch.

You asked me to spy on Ashley.

Yes, and the fact that we lied to you

demonstrates what a mistake it is

- to trust people.
- Okay, well, I hope

you're happy, Cooper. You busted her,

you did it. There she is,
coming out of the library,

just like she said she'd
be doing, carrying books,

greeting her handsome
Uber driver with a hug.

And a kiss?

God, Ashley's a cheating, lying liar.

Thank you.

(Barry laughing)

- Hey, Barry.
- What?

All right if we just, uh, talk
to you in private for a second?

Anything you want to
say to me you can say

to my chicken potpie

with a mashed potato
and a rib-eyed steak.

Okay, Barry's glucose
levels are dropping.

- We need to get him real food.
- I got this.

Ashley, I heard you went to the library.

With anyone in particular?

- No, I was alone.
- Really? Okay.

Neal, show him the photo.

That's Cooper sleeping.

Oh, doesn't he look peaceful?

- Show him the other one.
- Neal.

Babe?

- Yeah, try talking your way out of this one.
- Mm-hmm.

That's my father.

- Great job.
- He looks fantastic.

- Does he moisturize?
- I didn't mention it because

I wanted to surprise you.

He was helping me pick out

your two-week anniversary gift.

What?

No...

God, Barry Sanders' rookie card?

Are you kidding me?

(giggling)

Let's hear it for
Ashley, guys. Ashley...

ALL: Ashley, Ashley, Ashley...

Shut the hell up, okay? Why are
y'all spying on my girlfriend?

- We were just having your back, man.
- If this is what

you guys call having my back,

I don't know if I want to be here.

Let's crash at your place,

my little bucket of wings.

- Come... Whoa, Bar...
- Barry...

Hey, Barry, don-don't leave
like this, Barry, come on.

Gee, sometimes you do everything right

and it still doesn't work out.

Hey, Barry.

Uh, just... checking in,
uh, to see how you're doing.

Haven't heard from you in a while,

and, uh, you know,
we're worried about you.

You know, give us a holler,

uh, when-when you have a sec.

Love to Ashley. Big fan.

- Anyway...
- (phone beeps off)

I could show up Gendelman
by leasing a ski chalet,

but I'd have to send
Gracie to an online college.

Barry's been gone four days.

One time, he didn't leave the
apartment for seven weeks, remember?

Look, all you have to do
is just give Barry space

and he'll come back.

And in the meantime, I'll fill in.

- No one can replace Barry.
- Sure you can.

All you got to do is...

(impersonating Barry):
talk like this, and say

random stuff like,

"Man, so much stuff rhymes
with orange: splorange,

florange, blorange."

- That's disturbing.
- So racist.

You know what, guys,
enough around moping around.

I have Ashley's address.
I say we go over there,

we apologize and we bust
Barry out of whatever

craphole dorm she's living in.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

This can't be right.

Barry's dating Mr. Burns?

Maybe there's another,
smaller house inside this one?

(classical music playing)

Yes?

- Uh, we're looking for...
- (laughter)

Barry?

It's all right, Sebastian.

I'll receive them on the veranda.

SEBASTIAN: Here you go, Master Sandel.

A mix of every soda from the fountain.

Mmm. Oh, Sebastian.

Somehow you just always know

how to put in the right
amount of root beer.

When Ashley first introduced
me to Barry I thought to myself,

"Who is this ravenous young man

who uses these crazy
words like 'splorange'?"

Hello?

Well, then I saw

how happy he made my daughter,

and I was completely won over.

Thank you, Frank. You
know, it feels really good

to be supported as a couple.

Only good news today, Dixon!

Well, the building permits
were denied again, Mr. Mason.

Darn it. You'd think
my lawyers would be able

to push this stuff through considering

how much money I'm paying them.

Uh... (clears throat)

Uh, I don't mean to pry, Frank,

but I-I happen to be a lawyer,

and pushing through
permits is my specialty.

Are you familiar with
that hideous high-rise

that just went up in
historic Venice? That was me.

Oh, that place is a monstrosity.

- Thank you.
- Let's talk.

All right.

I guess a veranda's
just like a big patio!

- (whirring)
- KELLY: Yo. Why didn't you tell us

- that Ashley was rich?
- I only realized it

after being here for a couple days.

Barry, I just wanted to
apologize for the way we behaved.

We told ourselves we were acting
out of concern, but the truth is

- we just missed you.
- It's all good, man.

You know, Ashley's no
Rivka. Baruch Hashem.

(shouting)

Dude, we're just really
happy to have you back.

Yeah, we need to talk about that, man.

Me and Ashley, we got a
whole floor to ourselves,

I got a robot croquet bag,

and Frank, he just offered me
a job with the family business.

- What are you saying?
- This is gonna be hard,

so bear with me.

But effective immediately,

I'll be stepping down as both roommate

and CEO of Barry's
Grandma's Hangover Cure.

- I'm CEO.
- Big shoes to fill.

No, I mean I've-I've
always been... Never mind.

Dude, I can't believe you're leaving.

Barry, are you sure about this?

Yeah. It might be months

before I find another gorgeous
woman who lives in a mansion

that can give me a six-figure income.

I don't know what to say. I
can't believe this is happening.

We're really gonna miss you, buddy.

Me, too. Physical contact?

- Physical contact.
- Physical contact.

(sniffles, exhales)

Topnotch work, Sebastian.

(blows nose)

Topnotch.

I can't believe Barry's gone.

I've lived with him since
the first day of college.

It's gonna be so weird
not having him here.

(impersonating Barry): Man,
but there are other people

who are just as much fun.

(chuckles) It's like
Barry's in the room.

I got to hand it to him though. I mean,

he landed himself in
the perfect situation.

(whirring)

How do you turn this thing off?

Never mind that. Barry, Ashley
tells me you're a hard worker,

so we're gonna start you at the bottom

- so you get the hang of things.
- That's great.

- Uh, what exactly do you do?
- (chuckles) It's complicated.

Just know I'm grooming
you to replace Dixon.

Really? Why? Is he leaving?

You could say that.

We have some trust issues.

- Admit you're a rat, Dixon!
- (panting) No more! No more!

(shouts)

Welcome to the family.

- Dixon, admit you're a rat!
- No! No! No!

Dunk him again.

- I miss Barry's big laugh.
- (laughs loudly)

Yeah. And his ridiculous comments.

(impersonating Barry): Hey, yo, check it
out. This potato skin looks exactly like

my uncle JJ. (chuckles) I mean...

Look, Kelly, I know you mean well,

but your Barry impression is terrible.

- Hey, Cooper, Neal.
- It's actually getting worse. Hey!

Big trouble at the mansion.

Ashley's dad is a murdering gangster.

Hey, that look like JJ.

What are you talking about?

Look, I saw two of his
dudes carrying Dixon

to the pool and dunking
him in the water.

They was like, "Frank
knows you're a rat!"

I was like, "Yo, he's about
to die tonight." I freak out.

I kicked open a closet
that turned out to be

a private movie theater.
By the way, Speed,

that movie hold up.

This article says Frank's the
head of the Mason crime family.

They're-they're into money
laundering, racketeering,

and murder.

Oh, my God.

- Barry, what you want to do?
- I don't know, man.

I like Ashley a lot but not that much.

I'd like to break up with her,
but if I hurt her in any way,

Frank is gonna kill me.

You know what, there
may be another way out.

(doorbell rings)

Cooper, Neal.

What's going on?

Hey, Ashley, uh,

I'm afraid we have some terrible news.

See, Barry was

driving home from,
uh, Buffalo Wild Wings,

and, uh...

he didn't make it.

- What?
- We told him not to eat and drive!

- That's impossible.
- I know.

He was so full of life.

Oh, hey, guys!

It's a miracle! He's alive!

Oh! (chuckles)

Y'all doing that today?

Yeah, that was today.

What's going on?

Uh, A-Ashley, that-that was a...

that was a drill.

We're going door-to-door
to stress the importance

of life insurance. What
kind of coverage do you have?

Baby, we need to talk.

That life insurance idea
was actually really good.

- We should totally do that to some people.
- Yeah.

You think Barry's
gonna break up with her?

What choice does he have?
Working for a mobster

is pure insanity.

So excited to be working for you, Frank.

Uh-huh. Oh, that is sweet of you to say.

I will consider myself
part of the family.

Okay. Nice guy.

Suck it, Gendelman.

(alarm chirps)

If Barry broke up with Ashley

and Frank killed him...

which, God forbid, didn't
happen... but if it did,

at least we know that there
are people who could step in

and fill the void
left by his friendship.

Me. That'd be me.

No! You just can't replace Barry by...

(impersonating Barry):
talking like this, okay?

- That is spot-on.
- You're just saying that to hurt me.

(sighs): Hey, guys.

- Hey!
- My God, you're alive!

- We were just imagining you dead, but...
- Oh, man.

- How's Ashley?
- Yeah, so I told her I liked her a lot

but we were moving too fast.

She agreed. So we had sex on the helipad

and we decided that we're
gonna hold off on me moving in

and working for her dad
but we'll keep dating.

- Oh, that's-that's fantastic.
- That's great, dude.

Frank has a helipad?

And at the end of the day, I'm
still alive. He's not gonna kill me.

- Good.
- That's great.

Whoa. Guys, guys, guys, guys. One sec.

Where have I seen the
guy at the bar before?

D-Don't look.

COOPER: Oh, my God, look.

Here's a photo of
Ashley from the library.

Yeah.

- He's one of Frank's men.
- Who, the Ray Liotta guy?

Yeah.

BARRY: Yeah, I guess me
and Ashley aren't cool.

- All right, let's get the hell out of here.
- Yeah.

Back door?

- Yeah, back door.
- Neal.

- Back door!
- Neal, back door.

We good?

Not good!

Dark street was a bad idea.

BARRY: There'another guy.

On a count of three, we split. Ready?

- One, two...
- See ya.

(helicopter blades whirring)

Oh, I think that
helicopter's chasing us.

You think?

(grunting)

- (groaning)
- Oh!

(groaning)

(groans)

- We made it.
- (siren whoops)

Freeze!

FBI!

Barry. What are you doing here?

Apologizing. I really
messed up yesterday.

Oh, no. Did Dad see us on the helipad?

Listen, okay, I know I messed up

when I said I felt like
we were moving too fast.

The truth is, I was just afraid.

I want to do this, okay?

Living here, working for
your father, the whole nine.

Oh! Barry!

Mm.

(laughing)

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

MAN: Your friend was smart to cooperate.

We could have given him ten years

for accepting a job in
Frank's organization.

Yeah, Barry would have wired up
to get out of a parking ticket.

Poor girl doesn't even know
what her dad's involved in.

What is racketeering exactly?

Oh, I've always wondered
the exact same thing.

Hey, hey, you know, we don't have time

to answer stupid questions.

What is it again?

Really, McClintock?

- Honestly, you just need to relax.
- No, don't minimize this, Frank.

- This is important.
- I'm not minimizing. I'm...

- Hey, Daddy.
- Hi, angel. Barry.

Let me introduce...

Diego Marcon.

Diego Marcon?

He's one of the most
powerful arms dealers

in North America.

Okay, so racketeering is
"any activity performed

to benefit a criminal organization."

Huh.

Okay, well, now I'm just more
confused than when we started.

A major deal's about to go down.

Your buddy has to find a way
to sit in on this meeting.

Sweetheart, why don't you
go get us some ice cream?

I think that'd be nice.

(makes kissing sound)

Thank you.

Uh, Barry? Barry?

You should stay and
sit in on this meeting.

Uh, I'd like to, Frank, but, baby,

what kind of ice cream
are you gonna go get?

Is your friend playing it
cool, or is he a total idiot?

- He's playing it cool.
- He's a total idiot.

I actually do a perfect impression.

(sighs) Look,

Frank, last time I let
her go get some ice cream,

she brought back rice pudding.

Stay... for the meeting, Barry.

Got it.

Frank, half my inventory
is sitting in some warehouse

tied up in legal red tape.

I told you it is not gonna be a problem.

My attorney has it
handled, all right? Relax.

Speak of the devil.

Ah, hello.

My name is Joshua Barrett.

That... is Frank's

- new crooked lawyer.
- JOSH: Frank and I...

That guy is rolling in dirty money.

He's got a brand-new
sports car and a fancy boat.

Oh, my God.

Anything you gentlemen need
me to do, I am willing to do.

And I mean anything.

Listen, Diego,

it's in both of our best
interests to work this out,

- all right, so, I suggest...
- Oh.

- Was you gonna sit here?
- (sighs)

- I just...
- Ooh, ooh.

- (static crackles)
- Damn it, we're losing the feed!

Oh, well, great effort, everyone.

Uh, let's regroup in the morning.

We need to get another wire in there.

I...

Hey, everyone, uh...
Sorry to bother you.

We just wanted to drop off some
of... some of Barry's stuff.

- Socks. (clears his throat)
- Toiletries and whatnot.

- That's not my bag.
- Uh, yes, it is, Barry.

No, it's not.

- It's your bag, Barry.
- That's not my bag!

What's going on here, Frank?

Want me to make these guys disappear?

Josh, please stop talking.

Why is this one so sweaty?

A lot of steps in this house.
You know, at least four levels

of steps that we had
to go up to get here.

Give me the bag.

- Give me the bag!
- Yeah, sure.

Are you setting me up, Frank?

- Hey, hey. Oh! Oh!
- Whoa, whoa.

What the hell is going on, Barry? Huh?

- Why does everyone have guns?
- Frank!

You should have killed
me when you had a chance.

Dixon.

Who's up for a swim break right now?

I know I am. That sounds refreshing.

- This is the FBI! Drop 'em!
- (whimpering)

(panting)

Master Sandel,

I have your mix of every
soda from the fountain.

The hell out of here,
Sebastian! It's about to go down!

- McCLINTOCK: Give it up, Diego.
- MARCON: I'm not going back to prison.

(gunfire, groaning)

If we make it out of here alive,

let's make a pact to not
have girlfriends for a while.

What if one of us meets
someone really great?

That's a good point.
That's hard to enforce.

- (yelling)
- JOSH: No, honey, of course

I didn't buy a boat.
We can't afford a boat!

I don't know who parked
it in the driveway.

- I'll have 'em move it!
- (groans)

So how was your mom's?

- (gunfire stops)
- McCLINTOCK: We're clear!

- (grunting)
- ASHLEY: Instead of ice cream,

I got rice pu... Barry?

Babe. I think we need to break up.

(camera shutter clicking,
indistinct radio transmission)

- So, what are our takeaways? Thanks.
- You got it.

Well, to begin with,
there are no winners

in a Mexican standoff, right, Dixon?

(groans)

And never get into
business with somebody

when you're not quite
sure what that business is.

I am telling you, Officer,
it was all a misunderstanding.

The car, the boat... I was just trying

to keep up with this guy
at my office... Gendelman.

Danny Gendelman?

That guy is the greatest!

We jet-ski together.

(indistinct radio transmission)

Also, if a good friend introduces you

to their boyfriend or girlfriend,

try to be supportive,

rather than worry about
getting left behind.

'Cause we're all that
one special someone away

from an entirely different life.

To settle your nerves, sir.

Oh, Sebastian, I'm
gonna miss you the most.

Mm.

(sighs) What a paradise.

Three people were just shot here.

(slurping)

Solid point.

(two loud knocks)

(sighs)

I knew you'd be back.

Come in.

- (whirring)
- (sighs)

Damn. Man, man, man.

You know what your problem is?

- You got low self-esteem.
- (whirs)

Okay, you got to keep your mind open.

You got to open up your brain.