Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life (2016): Season 1, Episode 4 - How to Survive Losing Your Phone - full transcript

Hey.

Cooper Barrett here, once again,

with another important life lesson.

When you're in your 20s,

you tend to feel like you're invincible,

which can lead to getting
into bad situations...

for some very dumb reasons.

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are
here to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

_



- The world can be a scary place.
- _

Earthquakes, tsunamis, Bill Cosby,

those ear spacer thingies.

But there's one thing that's
scarier than all of that.

And that's when you
can't find your phone.

The most important thing

is to stay calm.

I will find you.

- Cooper, what happened?
- Are you okay?

Were we robbed? Did they
take my Beanie Babies?

No, it's way worse than that.

I can't find my phone.

Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry for your loss.

- It's in a better place now.
- Uh, it's a phone.



I was in the Laundromat,
and I came right here.

I've checked everywhere in between.
I'm completely off the grid.

Now I know what those poor
bastards in the '90s felt like.

- That's horrible. Why you didn't call us?
- 'Cause I didn't have my phone.

I don't know anyone's numbers.

I just have you all stored
with the little pictures

and I just, I just press on

your tiny little faces and it calls you.

- It's the perfect system!
- Hey, hey.

You know what the great
thing about phones is, though?

You can buy another one.

I can't. They're, like, 700 bucks.

All right, look.
Here's what we gonna do.

You can share my phone, okay?

We can be phonemates, all right?

One rule, though. No LOLing allowed.

You know you not laughing out
loud when you typing, okay?

- Mmh-mm.
- A "ha" or a "ha-ha"

would do just fine.

I don't know where else it could be.

Well, we were at the bar this morning,

watching the game; did you check there?

- The bar.
- The bar, the bar!

Bar, bar, bar, bar, bar...

I'm gonna ask around.

Hey! We know you!

- Hey.
- Oh, hey!

What is the occasion?

Oh, well, we're just celebrating

- a big new purchase.
- That's right.

Josh just bought a sweet new car.

- Ooh, you got a Ferrari?
- Lambo?

- Submarine?
- No, no.

Brand-new SUV, fully loaded,
video screens in the back

- so the kid can watch cartoons.
- Yeah!

Your excitement makes me sad.

Either way, we're gonna
get drunk and sing karaoke.

Oh, yeah, we are.

You guys are like Benjamin
Button, where you look 40,

but you're actually
a thousand years old.

Guys, guys, my phone's not here.

- What?
- That's so weird. Okay.

Well, you definitely had it
last night at dinner, and then...

at the observatory.

Yeah, 'cause we took
the selfie at sunset.

- Yeah.
- Selfie at sunset?

- What's going on...?
- We don't talk about it.

Oh! I got it!

It just popped up on
the Find My Phone thing.

- Whoever has it just turned it on.
- Hey, that's not far from here.

- Let's go get it.
- Uh-uh-uh, that's not such a good idea.

People get killed
chasing down their phones.

My buddy Phil tracked down his

a few years back, ended
up having an affair.

He's much happier now.

Either way, it's very dangerous.

You know what, Josh?
It could be dangerous,

but bros stick together.

You think these guys want to
go? They got better things to do.

I actually don't have
anything better to do.

I got a mah-jongg sesh with the ladies.

But they're in 'cause they're bros.

But if you want to go do
your old guy stuff, then,

- you know, go ahead.
- No, no, no.

I'm in for the bro adventure.

- What?
- Hey, listen,

I'm the original bro.

I'm the only actual bro here.

How am I gonna be Hootie
without my Blowfish?

I will hang out with
you tonight, Leslie.

I won't do Hootie, but
I will "Uptown Funk"

the crap out of you, girl.

- Wow. Wow.
- Perfect. To the SUV!

- Bro-venture!
- Bro-venture!

Find that phone! Find that phone!

I'm so glad I'm staying with you.

- Yeah.
- I don't want to go with them.

All right.

When we get to wherever this
is, I'll go up and knock.

I need you guys to have my
back in case anything goes down.

Got it.

Think something serious
is gonna go down?

Yeah, man, we could get
shot. This is gonna be fun.

That's not fun! Getting shot's not fun!

All right, says it's
right here on the left.

Lil' Spoons Ice Cream Shop?

Whoo! Let's go kick some ass!

- Hey, Josh, the child lock.
- Dude, you got the child safety locks on, man.

I got it. I got it.

- Don't know how to work this car?
- Hold on one second!

That's the windows, man.

- Unlock it.
- Unlock it.

Josh.

Okay, just let me... You guys.

We got an emergency situation going on.

- Stop playing!
- Okay, okay.

♪ We could put it on the stage... ♪

Everyone!

- Okay.
- So you hate it.

I love being married.

It's just sometimes I
miss the single life.

So, who are you gonna
hook up with tonight?

- Uh, probably no one.
- Oh, yeah, right, because of Cooper.

What?

Come on, don't pretend
there's nothing there.

- There's nothing there.
- Mm.

There's nothing there! I'm serious.

- Cooper's like Steve Buscemi. I love him,
- Mm.

But I don't want to have sex with him.

Well, if you don't
have feelings for him,

then you can go talk to
that cute guy over there.

Mm, no. He's good-looking

like a modelly, perfect face,

I-can-see-our-kids kind of way,
but I'm just not feeling it.

Because you have feelings for Cooper.

- No!
- Ugh!

In that case, I will
go talk to him for you.

- Please don't.
- You're welcome.

I don't need your help. I got this.

No. No. No.

Barry?

"Irish need not apply."

Did you know Barry's racist?

Oh, yeah, but just against Irish people.

He had a really bad experience
last St. Patrick's Day.

- Listen, about that guy...
- Let me guess.

He wants me to come over,
have a drink with him.

Oh, no, honey, he doesn't like you.

- Can we have more shots?
- Sure.

Uh... what?

Welcome to Lil' Spoons!

Thanks.

Thanks.

So one of these

ice cream-loving fools is a thief!

But which one?

I say we start punching people in
the face and ask questions later.

Go easy there, Dwayne "Mr. T" Johnson.

No, it's two different people.

No, instead of hitting
strangers in the face,

I say we call my phone
and see who answers.

Ooh, catch 'em red-handed.

Or in this case, phone-handed.

No. I'm sorry. Hated myself
the second I said that.

Aha! Got you, Joe Biden!

Oh, Barry, that is not Joe Biden.

No, this is Joe Biden.
Look at the man's face.

That's Joe Biden,

and this is his wife, the Second Lady.

These are just really,
really old white people.

Come on. It's still ringing.

- Hello.
- Shh, shh.

Um, hi.

You stole my friend's phone, and
we would like it back, please.

Why don't you try to
come get it from me?

Okay, I got this.

I can tell you I don't have any money.

But what I do have is a very
particular set of skills.

If you let my phone go now,
that will be the end of it.

But if you don't, I will look for you,

I will find you and I will kill you.

I won't actually kill him.
That's from Taken.

- They need to make a sequel.
- All right.

Good luck.

Aw, what? He out-Taken-ed us.

Hey, he's already on the move.
He's heading toward downtown.

- Let's go.
- Uh, guys, guys, uh,

the area that he's headed towards
is pretty dangerous at night...

- I'm just saying.
- What?

USC is downtown. It's
probably just college kids.

One street is college kids.

The next street over is Murdertown.

Murdertown? Oh, I love Murdertown.

That's my favorite Sondheim musical.

You know what, guys?

I may not have a special set of skills,

but what I do have

is a special set of friends.

You guys. I'm talking about you guys.

- A little cheesy.
- Nice moment.

Come on, hands in. Neal?

This is a really bad idea.

And...

- break!
- Murdertown!

All right, this is it.

I'm gonna wait in here. I'm gonna stay.

Oh, come on, man. It's not that bad.

- Look, there's a cop right there.
- That's a homeless guy.

No, that's definitely a cop.

Look, he's, like,
investigating something...

- No, he is... pooping.
- Oh, yeah.

See, I told y'all we
should've brought our guns.

I don't think paintball
guns would've been

that helpful in this situation.

Unless you want to add
to all of this graffiti.

Come on, guys. We could be 30 seconds
away from getting my life back.

Neal, what happened to
kicking ass and taking names?

That was at an ice cream shop.
This is like the Bates Motel.

- Just buy a new phone, Cooper.
- I can't afford one.

Plus, I want that phone. It
has important stuff on it.

I don't have the cloud
'cause of Edward Snowden.

I don't care what nobody
says. That man is a patriot.

Yeah, guys. I think I'm
gonna sit this one out,

stay in the car with Neal,
you know, make sure he's okay.

You know what, I got your
back. I'm your ride or die.

- You my Bobby, I'm your Whitney.
- All right,

everybody relax. Josh
and I are like that, too.

He's my Jay and I'm his Bey.

- We're going in.
- Beyoncé, we out.

- Thank you for calling me that. Good luck!
- We support you spiritually.

Holler if you need us!

You know, I don't really
think of you as my Jay.

Yeah, I have no idea what
you're saying right now.

Okay, can we just go over this again?

What did you say to that guy?

- I said, "Hi."
- Oh, my God!

You are so rusty. What else?

- I said, um, "This is my friend Kelly."
- Oh, stop talking.

No wonder he rejected you.

He didn't reject me. He rejected you.

Well, the situation's
a little ambiguous.

No, he specifically
said he did not like you.

You know what, you got
me in this situation.

Now I have no choice but to fix it

by bringing out the big guns.

What's up, O'Hanlon's?!

Yeah!

All right, this one goes
out to all the fellas

in the front row with the,
uh, construction boots,

the, uh, button-down shirt,
the cropped black hair...

- Okay, they got it, Kells.
- Drop the beat.

- ♪ Ah ♪
- ♪ Uh, uh ♪

- ♪ Ah ♪
- ♪ Check it, check it ♪

Man, this is getting kind of real.

What if we have to, like, fight?

Dude, that's not gonna happen. I'm
a black man, okay? All I got to do

is puff up my chest and
act a little gangster.

- What if they're black?
- Then I just act crazy, man.

Black people hate crazy. I got
a plan for every type of person

except for mermaids.

All right, get ready to run.

Are you guys here for the party?

We are now.

And I'm looking for my phone.

Britney just found one.
Why don't you come in,

get a drink, and I'll grab it for you.

Mmm. I am digging this new ride, my man.

- Yeah.
- It's like a wagon-shaped living room.

I'm pretty happy about
it. Hey, check it out.

Maybe this neighborhood's
not so bad after all.

Those kids are pretty good.

Usually, 99% of skateboard
jumps land with a broken ankle

and me laughing at them.

- Oh! Oh, oh!
- Oh! That was awesome!

- You! I like it!
- Yeah, you!

Yeah, bud!

Nice!

Uh-oh.

- This is bad.
- What did you just do?

♪ Tell me, ma, what
it's gonna be, she said ♪

♪ You don't know
what you mean to me ♪

- ♪ I do, all I think about is you ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Even when I'm with my boo ♪

- Uh, Kelly? Kelly!
- ♪ You know I'm crazy about you ♪

That's my boyfriend, bitch.

You have a girlfriend!

That's why you were pretending
not to like me. That makes sense.

♪ East Coast, I know
you're shakin' right ♪

You're about to get punched in the face.

What? Oh, boy.

Uh, okay. I'm comin',
I'm comin', I'm comin'.

Think we should tell Josh and Neal?

No, I think they're safer in the car.

We are going to die!

For real? In America? Oh,
my God. I love cheerleading.

That's my favorite sport. I'm
a spotter. I can hold anybody.

- Give us your money!
- I will be notifying your parent

and/or legal guardian and will
not be giving you any of my money!

_

Here's our money.

Here you go.

I'm calling Cooper.

He doesn't have his phone!

- Oh, yeah. Uh, Barry.
- Yes!

Hello?

I'm sorry.

Uh, I'll text Leslie again.

And we'll get that phone, too.

And your clothes.

You guys will not be
getting away with this!

I am a lawyer and can get
you all in serious trouble!

Yeah, good luck.

Good luck.

That's him.

- What?
- I'd recognize that voice anywhere.

That's the kid that has Cooper's phone.

Come on, man. We just want
my friend's phone back.

Sure. For a hundred bucks.

Okay. Josh, can I
borrow a hundred dollars?

They have our wallets!

How much for my friend's wallet?

Ooh, this is the best night of mine's

or anyone else's life.

I got to figure out how to
get my phone stolen by a bunch

of hot 20-year-olds all the time.

- Man...
- Here's your phone!

Oh. Thanks.

Uh... this isn't my phone.

Oh.

Damn it.

You want to make out later?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Barry, that wasn't my phone.

Barry?

Hey.

I'm Ashley.

Can I ask you a question?

Is this outfit guy hot or girl hot?

You are girl, guy, animal, and tree hot.

I'm not implying you sleep
with animals or trees,

but if you did, I wouldn't judge.

I'm Barry.

Mmm. Ooh, la, la.

Where is my phone?

- Hey!
- Oh, hey, guys.

Sorry, I'll be out in a sec.

Just, uh, keep doing what you're doing.

Cooper, you still owe me that make-out.

Yeah, I know, I just... I just really

- got to find my phone first.
- What could be on your phone

that's better than making out with me?

Oh, you know, I have a few
apps that I, that I really love,

but, um...

probably... definitely... nothing.

I'm sorry, there's just
something on my phone

that means a lot to
me. I can't explain it.

I'll make out with you. Ow!

That was insane.

Yeah. Who would have
thought that a hip hop song

could lead to any violence?

I'm sorry. I only approached that guy

because I wanted to get you to admit
that you were really into Cooper.

- Clearly, you're not.
- No, I'm totally not.

Okay?

Although... there was this
one weird moment last night.

- I knew it... you had sex.
- No! God, no.

We were up at the observatory

- and the sun was setting and...
- And you had sex.

Would you just let me finish?

We had just taken a
selfie overlooking the city

and... we looked at each other,

and I just thought...

Whatever. It's stupid.

- Aw. Kelly.
- There's nothing there.

- Kelly.
- Hey, uh, is this your phone?

I thought I saw it fly out of your hand

after you threw a
choke hold on that girl.

It is. Thanks.

So, what are you doing after this?

I'm married with a child.

What about tomorrow night?

No, thank you, I'm good.

Looks like, uh, baby
mama's still got it.

- All right.
- Not so rusty.

No.

_

- Josh?
- _

Oh, God.

Look, look, look, Tina...

Tina, I appreciate what
you're trying to do,

but this is not happening right
now. I need to find my phone.

Okay? Sorry.

Cooper, we are in the middle
of a Weird Science teenage

male fantasy and you're sitting
there looking for your phone?

I have important stuff on there, man.

I don't know who you are anymore.

So you drove all the way out
here just to help your friend?

Damn right. You know, I'm a ride or die.

Unless I had a girlfriend,
then she'd come first.

How come you don't have a girlfriend?

Because I just met you.

There's a fire.

You bet there is.

No, there's an ugly,
boring car on fire outside.

Josh!

You want kids?

- Barry!
- I'll be back, baby,

I'll be back!

What did you do to our car?

You guys really should've
come inside the house.

Damn, man. This is the worst.
And you're wearing my Underoos.

Laundry day's tomorrow.

Wait, so you're saying a bunch
of teenagers took my phone,

then they took your phones
and your clothes and we're

just gonna let them get away with this.

- Looking that way.
- No. No, no, no.

We're gonna go back to the
apartment, we're gonna regroup,

we're gonna get the paintball gear,

we're gonna track 'em down and then

- we're gonna give 'em hell. All right?
- Yeah!

All right, let's do it.

- And break!
- No, no break. Not this time.

Josh, you love this stuff.

Yeah, I do most of the time,

but my brand-new car just exploded!

Listen...

I love our adventures. I do.

But I also love karaoke.
And a dependable automobile.

And the occasional
procedural drama like Bones.

There's no shame in that, honey.
Boreanaz is a straight-up fox.

No one can tell me that
dude doesn't still have it.

One day you'll understand
that you don't always

have to act like an idiot
to get what you want.

Come on, honey, let's go.

Later.

Guys...

You coming back in, baby?

I can't. I got to get a cell
phone from some teenagers.

You know, man stuff.

This is the place.

That's the turd.

- Everyone ready?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, hold on. Let me
kiss my girlfriend first.

Ha! Is that Kate Upton?

I don't have a picture of Ashley yet.

Look, now, remember, guys,

today we draw a line.

For days and years to come,

people will tell the story
of three brave young men

who courageously fought
back against the tyranny

of rambunctious teens...

dressed in paintball
gear, in our mid-20s...

about to storm a house.
What the hell are we doing?

I have no idea. I'm all fogged up.

Long story short, your son
stole our stuff and then blew up

my brother's brand-new,
fully-loaded SUV.

Brandon, get your sorry ass down here.

I'm very disappointed in you, young man.

Like I said: special set of skills.

Look what I got.

- Oh.
- Hey!

Ratting out a kid to his parents.

- How very middle-aged of you.
- Yeah, you were right.

Sometimes the best way to
handle things is the mature,

non-paintball approach.
I'm never watching Bones, though.

Well, you don't know
what you're missing.

It looks like they

- kissed and made up.
- Yeah.

It's good, because

- Josh means everything to Cooper.
- I think you

might mean a little
something to him, too.

Can you just forget about
that observatory stuff?

It didn't mean anything, and honestly,

I-I wouldn't go there and
he definitely wouldn't.

Okay, well, if you ever want to
duet again, just give me a call.

I do want to duet again,

but first I need to heal up

and learn some submission moves.

So, to sum up: teenagers are jerks.

Sorority girls are awesome.

And just 'cause you're young
doesn't mean you're invincible.

'Cause if you're not
careful, bad things can happen

that are way worse than
losing one of these things.

Speaking of: back up your phone,

because some of the
things on here are...

irreplaceable.

- What are you looking at?
- Nothing.

Hey, everybody,

everybody, this is
Ashley. She's my Bobby now.

He's my Whitney!

- Mmm!
- Mmm!

That's sweet

but disturbing.

Oh, one more thing...

I freaking love Bones.

- She's my Bobby, though.
- We get it.

- No, no, no...
- Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hi, Bobby... Ashley.
- Hi.

What is it?

- It's a time machine.
- It's a landline.

I got it in case we ever
lose our phones again.

I feel like we're living in a museum.

Yeah, let me text Ashley.

Oh, hold on, I want to
check my e-mail real quick.

Guys, it's a landline.

You can only use it to call people.

The last thing I want to do

is talk to people on the phone.

You can't say emojis, Cooper.

Cooper!

Put your talking machine on silent!

Hello?