Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life (2016): Season 1, Episode 8 - How to Survive Your Crazy Ex - full transcript
All right, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn!
COOPER: Whoa!
You might want to j...
(engine revving, all screaming)
(screaming)
Let me start by saying,
that at some point in your life,
you're going to make this mistake.
(screaming continues)
Well, maybe not this exact mistake,
but especially in relationships,
everyone has decisions
they wish they could take back.
Cooper, to celebrate
our one month anniversary,
I just sent you a little picture.
Did you get it?
(text alert blips)
Will you marry me?
(giggling): I'll take that as a yes.
Now you have to send me something.
Uh, Lena, I don't know
if that's a good idea.
FYI...
the next pic I want to send you
incorporates my gymnastics background.
What's the worst that could happen?
I think we know the answer to that.
My name is Cooper Barrett.
My friends and I are here
to mess up our lives
so you don't have to.
_
- Incoming.
- Oh...!
- Oh! What is this yellow,
- Yes.
sudsy beverage you've thrown me?
"B-eer"?
- Am I saying that right?
- (Barry laughs)
Neal, what's up, man?
You love it when Josh
ironically pretends
like he's never tried alcohol.
Sorry.
I just found a picture of Karina
and her new boyfriend.
He's basically my twin.
- Oh no....
- Yeah, I thought that was you.
- COOPER: Got nothing on you.
- Hi.
I'm going to work out.
Who wants to come?
(all laugh)
Why does that question
always get a laugh?
Because it helps us to not
feel bad about ourselves.
(laughs) He's so fat.
(laughs)
She's obviously just trying
to make me jealous, right?
I mean, with this guy...
and this engagement ring thing...
and she's clearly depressed;
look how much weight she's gained.
I think she's pregnant.
Yeah, like eight months.
Come on, man, the only reason
you're obsessing about your ex
is 'cause you haven't hooked
up with anyone in a while,
which is what I am here for.
Cooper, you know if I swung that
way you'd be my first choice,
but it would just ruin our friendship.
I appreciate that, man.
I'm gonna help you find someone,
starting tonight.
You guys could, uh, tag along
to this art charity thing
that Leslie's dragging me to.
Should be some really fine ladies.
- No, I'm good, man, thank you.
- (others mutter disapproval)
There'll be free booze and food.
- Oh, hell yeah!
- I'm ready to go, you ready?
Let's do it.
Not for, like, five hours.
Well, what the hell
you saying something right now for?
Who's gonna finish
with the highest score?
No matter what you're dealing with:
your work issues,
your husband, who you thought
was in the Navy, but really has
a second family in Pomona...
You leave it on the bike!
Three! Two! One!
- Time!
- (buzzer sounds)
(yells)
Long live the queen.
(crying)
MAN: I really enjoyed
watching you ride in there.
Okay, kind of creepy.
I mean, thank you so much.
I'm Shane, AKA Tunes.
Tunes? I feel like I've seen your name
at the top of the male leaderboard.
Ah, it's possible,
male and female, actually,
- but it's not about winning for me.
- Oh, no, no, no. Don't worry.
I'm also super competitive.
I have nightmares about losing
to my niece at checkers,
so you're safe here.
Pfft! That is adorable.
You see, when I'm winning
is the only time
I'm not thinking about winning,
and I'm never not not
thinking about winning
because I always win.
Okay, first of all,
I love how many times
you just said the word "winning."
Second of all,
I feel the same way.
Life is a giant...
- competition.
- Competition.
You want to get a pressed juice?
Uh, do you want to lose
at pressed juice?
- You're on.
- No, you're on.
Oh, I'm gonna beat you there.
- I'll beat you there.
- I'll beat you. Forgot your bag.
- Damn it.
- Oh!
COOPER: All right, Neal.
Get your game face on, okay?
There's a lot of hot women here tonight.
Come on, dude, you know
I can't just go talk to them.
I am way too nervous
and my body literally
starts breaking down.
Just got to block that
out, okay? Come on.
Hey, ladies. I'm Cooper.
This is my very good friend Neal.
Hey, how's it going?
Where are you ladies from?
Dallas.
Nice. Love Dallas.
Your nose is bleeding.
What's your poison?
What are you drinking there?
Can I buy you one sometime, ever?
- I don't feel very good, all of a sudden...
- Tilt your head back. Watch it.
(whispering): I don't know if
I can do this. I'm sorry.
I got to be honest with you,
I've never been to a art exhibit before,
but this is nice.
I don't even know how to act.
Look, just hold your glass like this.
- Okay.
- And say something like:
What an impressive exhibition.
What an impressive exhibition.
(laughs) That's good.
You're officially a grown-up.
- Thank you. Mmm...
- Very good.
- Oh, I don't think...
- Oh, my God! Oh!
Chicken fingers.
No, those aren't chicken fingers.
(muffled): They should hand these out.
The guys and, uh, Leslie
are really hitting it off.
Is that surprising?
Well, a little.
Why?
Well, she's a sophisticated intellectual
and you guys are complete idiots.
- Asked and answered.
- Uh-huh.
COOPER: Oh, look, there's Kelly...
and her boyfriend of no
more than three hours.
Mm.
- Oh, I'll beat you there.
- No, I'll beat you.
- What's up, guys?
- Hi, guys.
Sorry we're late. This is Shane.
- What's up, bro?
- We just took a killer route here
from Burbank.
Destroyed Waze's
estimation by 11 minutes.
- (laughing): Hell, yeah!
- Okay.
What are you guys drinking?
Uh, white wine.
I'm gonna get us something
better than that.
Yeah, you will.
Oh, twice.
Oh, my gosh, isn't he great?
We're both so competitive.
I really feel that, together,
we can beat everyone else
at relationships.
- And they lived happily ever after.
- (Kelly chuckles)
(Neal grunting) Guys, I don't
feel good, I'm gonna go home.
Aw, come on, man,
you can turn this around.
No, I can't turn this around, all right?
You could 'cause you're Cooper Barrett
and your platelets clot, all right?
You never make mistakes with the ladies.
BARRY: Hey, Cooper!
Your penis is on display
in the other room.
NEAL: That's definitely Cooper's penis.
Whoo! Yeah, that's Cooper.
Guys, just 'cause you think
it looks like mine,
which is weird, by the way,
it doesn't mean it is.
Oh, look, it's called, "Cooper."
Wait, really?
_
Why would my penis
be on display in an art gallery?
Folks, if you have any questions
about this piece in particular,
the artist is right over there.
BARRY: Coop, isn't that
your ex-girlfriend?
Oh... that'd be why.
Cooper, that's... (snorts) very impressive.
COOPER: It's not funny.
There's a giant, framed photo
of my junk on display.
I can't believe she would do this.
Are you kidding?
The day after you broke up,
she moved all her stuff
into our apartment
- while you were at work.
- And you guys helped her.
She might have been cray-cray,
but that love seat was to die for.
- Leslie?
- Very good.
- Josh...
- Same size! What?
Can she legally do this?
Eh, I-I don't know, probs.
"Probs?"
You're an attorney and the best
you can do is "probs?"
I do real estate law.
Is this Photoshopped?
Probs.
I'm gonna get her to take it down.
(laughing): Hey, Lena.
Cooper!
Hi, what are you doing here?
Oh, you know, just...
looking at your piece.
- Oh.
- Or should I say my piece?
Isn't it fantastic?
Yeah, thanks, I've always
kind of been a big fan.
Look, I'm just curious
as to why you didn't
ask me for permission.
Uh, it's a feminist perspective
on the acceleration
of modern relationships
due to technological advancement.
It's not about you.
It's called, "Cooper."
Is that your girlfriend over there?
She's pretty.
Look, Lena, the point is
I'm kind of uncomfortable about it.
I just... I just want you
to take it down.
This is my art, Cooper.
If you want it off the wall... buy it.
(laughs)
I'm not gonna buy a photo of my own...
(whispering): penis.
Do I hear $200 for "Cooper?"
I've got two, do I hear three?
I've got three, do I hear four?
Do you really want a photo of my junk?
Your junk?
Five.
AUCTIONEER: Five from the gentleman
with the excellent taste in eyewear.
Aw, that's it, I'm out.
- Josh.
- Yeah?
For your brother. Bid.
Six.
- Do I hear seven?
- Six...
Damn, you gonna let him
do you like that?
- We've got seven.
- What is wrong with you?
Hey, remember me? I'm Neal.
From... Your friend was
from Dallas and...
Do I hear a bid of $700?
God, I've never seen Cooper so defeated.
- $1,500!
- (crowd gasps)
AUCTIONEER: $1,500!
Going once, going twice...
- Sold!
- Sold!
- ...to the very fit man.
- Thank you.
in the fitted gray sweater.
NEAL: Nice!
Nice.
Hey, thank you so much
for winning that photo.
I mean, winning is what I do.
Mm... mm, speaking of which,
I need to hang up my trophy.
One second.
Wha... you're...
Hang up your what?
What are you hanging up?
You saw it.
I totally dominated that auction.
Shane wins,
because Shane always wins.
Where were we?
(Shane groans)
- Uh...
- Oh, this is so good...
for me and you.
(kisses) But mostly me.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Hi. I broke up with Shane
'cause he's a crazy person.
Oh, no, 'cause I'm sorry, 'cause I mean
if you two can't make it,
- who can?
- That's so nice.
Did you at least get
my photo back first?
No, he wants to keep it
on his wall as a trophy,
which is both weird,
and a disastrous design choice.
It appears your junk's
15 minutes are up.
Yeah, but you know, she can make
copies with the original.
So, Neal, I'm gonna need you
to convince her to delete it.
- Why me?
- Well, because
you're very, very, very smart,
she always liked you,
and, um, I just called her
from your phone, so...
- (Barry laughing)
- Dude!
Come on, please, I-I can't have
her selling more photos.
All right.
BARRY: Hurry up, man, she about
to answer, she about to answer!
Josh, dude, I been meaning
to tell you, man,
I had a blast hanging
with the missus last night.
- She is the bomb.
- I know. No offense,
but Leslie always struck me
as the kind of girl
whose idea of fun was a throw pillow
with the word "diva" on it,
but she's actually awesome.
What a relief. I am so happy
you guys like her.
Too bad you'll never see her again.
- What?
- Last night was a big mistake.
I couldn't, uh, you know,
relax and be myself.
From now on, I'm gonna
keep both worlds separate.
Hey, guys!
- BARRY: Hey.
- KELLY: Hello.
I'm here.
- Hi.
- Yay!
- Hey, babe.
- Hi, babe.
Thanks for the invite, B.
- Got you, L-Boogie.
- He's so sweet.
(laughing): Yeah.
- Can I sit right here?
- Sure.
Ah, we're on a date.
(uncomfortable laughter)
- Morning, man.
- Hello.
Hey, did you get a chance
to talk to Lena?
Uh, yes, actually, I did.
Uh, I met her out
for a couple of drinks.
In fact, she deleted all of the pictures
off her hard drive right in front of me.
I could kiss you, and
that's a real offer this time.
That's okay, um, but it's funny
that you mentioned that,
because we actually talked
for a little bit,
Lena and I, and,
for what it's worth,
she's not as crazy as you think.
Yeah, okay.
- Morning, baby.
- Hey.
Hey, Cooper.
(moaning and kissing)
You have such strong, powerful lips.
(Lena giggling)
Unlike some people.
Your lips are like pillows made of skin.
- (giggling) Mmm...
- NEAL: Skin-pillows.
Still here, guys,
in what used to be my personal space.
Where do you keep the herbal teas?
Above the stove,
next to the antipsychotics.
(whispering): Dude...
you were totally right.
The minute I started
making out with her,
I completely forgot about my ex.
Oh, you mean Karina?
You know, right now, I feel
like that giant bag of muscles
was the best thing
that ever happened to you.
Look, man, I know
dating a buddy's ex
without checking first
is kind of against bro-tocol,
so just let me know,
and I'll call the whole thing off.
Uh...
NEAL (whispering):
Please don't call it off.
Please don't call it off.
Please don't call it off.
No, you don't have to do that, man.
Oh, thank God, okay.
Hope this won't be weird for you.
(forced laughter): Weird?
Why would it be weird?
Uh, Lena...
I think you're wearing my shirt.
Oh, yeah, it does smell like you.
(Lena moaning) Now me... and Neal.
And our lust.
Cool.
It's very, very cool.
It's a cool situation.
(whispering): Cooper, Cooper...
You're never gonna believe what
just happened at spin class.
(kissing)
Why is your crazy ex-girlfriend
giving Neal a tongue bath
in the kitchen?
Because she's crazy.
She went out with Neal
last night in some kind of
weird, desperate attempt
to get closer to me,
and now she's in my kitchen with
easy access to all the knives.
Okay, you think your ex is crazy?
I just ran into Shane.
That guy's crazy.
Yes, I'm gonna dominate today.
Spinqueen ain't here.
She ain't here.
And she isn't gonna be here
for a long, long time.
What does that mean?
Sorry, that sounded way more
ominous than I intended.
Don't worry, babe.
It's not what you think.
- Hyah!
- (groans)
(crying)
Why?
- Oh, my gosh, what...? Are you okay?
- Help me.
- Are you okay? Oh, my God!
- Help me, help me.
Someone help! Medic!
Wow, that is crazy.
I can't believe he Kerrigan-ed her.
Uh, technically, he Gilool-ied her.
I used to figure skate... competitively.
Yeah, the competitively
kind of goes without saying.
Okay, and now he won't stop texting me.
Oh, terrible news.
Just awful...
- What, is something wrong with Gracie?
- Oh, God, what?
Much worse: Leslie wants
to invite you guys
over for a dinner party.
- Dinner party? Ooh...
- Dinner party? Ooh...
(panting): Hey.
BARRY: Yeah, I know.
Got the text
(sing-song): about 45 minutes ago.
You know, I'm just stoked...
to live like an adult.
I think I'm gonna bring some fondue.
(ringtone plays)
Aah!
Hi, it's Kelly.
Leave a message.
(phone beeps)
(exhales)
Hey, there you are. So fun, so much fun.
- So much fun.
- Come on in.
I'm so glad you guys are here.
You're right on time.
Everybody's grabbing a drink,
and watching your
ex-girlfriend feed Neal grapes,
- like he's the Sultan of Brunei.
- (Neal chews loudly)
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hey, hi.
- We're gonna have so much fun.
- Oh, my gosh...
- You ready to turn it up?
- I am.
- COOPER: Hey.
- Okay. Hey, bro.
What are you doing?
Just making Lena jealous.
By making me uncomfortable?
Look, if I tell Neal
that she's using him,
he may never talk to me
again, but if he sees
that she's using him,
then he'll just end things with her,
so you and I need to flirt outrageously
until she flies into
some kind of jealous rage,
or hits you or something.
Okay, or you could just talk to her.
Yeah, the direct approach
is always best.
By the way, I need you guys to
act like your true moron selves
so Leslie never wants to
hang out with you guys again.
I will not act like
a complete moron tonight.
No, no, no.
Grown-up Barry's in the house.
Hey, Leslie, let me tell you,
these crab cakes are a vision,
and also, the economy is doing
strange things, let's discuss.
But first...
these guys taught me a little game
that we like to call, "Whiskey Slap."
"Whiskey Slap?" Wh-what's that?
- "Whiskey Slap"
- Yeah.
- is where you do a shot of whiskey,
- Okay.
And you get smacked in the face.
These guys play it all the time.
It is awful.
Josh...
I'm the Queen of "Whiskey Slap."
No, literally... my sorority crowned me
after I slapped
Maggie Christopher so hard
the police brought in her
boyfriend for questioning.
What a delightful anecdote.
I think I still have
my rush week shot glasses.
- Stay right there.
- She's a good-time gal,
ladies and gentleman.
BARRY: Good-time gal.
Shane always wins.
- (screams)
- Shh!
You shh! You scared the crap out of me.
You have to start acting
like you're more into me.
I'm not Meryl Streep.
Not with that attitude you're not.
Look, as we go back to the table,
just put your hand in my back pocket.
Sure, just set your
time machine to 1980.
Front pocket?
(whispering): Kelly.
Would you at least just move closer?
I mean, we look like
two strangers waiting for a bus.
(whispering): Okay, okay.
(whispering): Thank you. Okay.
Just-just give me your hand.
Give me your hand, okay.
How awful is this?
It's the worst.
(clearing throat): Lena.
She's still not looking.
- I think we're gonna have to kiss.
- Are you insane?
- What?
- That's not happening.
Just one nice smooch.
- Mm...
- Oh, my God...
I'm sorry, no, no.
- Try...
- No.
Direct approach it is.
I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Hurt her and I'll kill you.
Boop.
That was a wrong move, my friend.
- I'm-a take this shot, though.
- Okay, you should.
Leslie, give it to him.
(Kelly guffawing)
I think we need to talk about Lena.
You feeling weird?
Yeah, but to be fair,
there's a lot of weirdness
going on here tonight, so...
Oh, yeah.
There's a strong chance
that Lena's only dating you
to get closer to me.
I mean, she's been obsessed
- with me since day one, and I just want...
- Cooper...
Look, man, I-I know that
this is hard for you to hear,
but Lena and I have a real connection.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
JOSH: Such expensive whiskey...
(Kelly laughs)
How come she tried to kiss me
in the hallway just now, then?
Are you serious?
Aha! No, but the fact you believed me
means deep down you know I'm right.
NEAL: Oh, my God, why would you even...
I think it's time to
move on to a new game.
(Leslie shouts)
LESLIE: Oh, no!
- (Barry gasping)
- Barry?
That about wraps up tonight's dinner.
What a perfect end to a perfect evening.
Driver, let's cap off
this beautiful evening
with a little NPR.
- Can I get some Terry Gross?
- DRIVER: Okay.
Let's just go home.
Did you guys see how Lena
was behaving in there?
She's back in the running
for craziest ex.
She won't text me back.
She's obviously a sociopath.
Driver,
back in my day,
chauffeurs wore gloves.
Do you have on gloves?
We should go to Lena's apartment
so I can confront her
face to crazy face.
Driver, make a right at the light.
You just text
your ex-girlfriend 15 times.
Now you want to show up
at her place, unannounced,
in the middle of the night.
- (text chimes)
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, heh, heh.
Listen to this: "Cooper,
"you're scaring me. Please stop.
I'm sorry if this hurts you,
but I really like Neal."
- Damn.
- What a whack job.
Cooper, when Neal was obsessing
about his ex-girlfriend,
you thought he was crazy, right?
- A hundred percent.
- Well, say Lena actually likes Neal.
Now you're the guy texting
and harassing an ex
who's in a happy relationship,
- thus, making you...
- The crazy ex.
BARRY: Mm-mm.
- Oh, my God, I'm the crazy ex.
- Yeah.
(all yelling)
- I own your penis!
- ALL: Go, go, go!
BARRY: Lay on the gas!
- (engine revving)
- Not again!
Hey.
Nice bike.
Guys, guys, I don't believe it!
Sir, I'm not joking, step on it.
Man, that guy can really ride a bike.
It's the most attractive
thing about him.
No, no, believe me, I totally get it.
I'm about to start a spin class.
Sir, could you please go faster?
He's gaining on us.
BARRY: All right, turn,
turn, turn, turn!
Whoa! You might want to j...
(all screaming)
I guess she was right.
Shane's way crazier.
(all screaming)
(Barry shrieks)
Oh, ho-ho!
Good show, Rashid.
We're gonna have to tip you 12%.
Whoo!
Man...
you really whacked Barry good.
Nothing good ever comes
when I play "Whiskey Slap."
Tables get broken.
Innocent boyfriends end up serving time.
Then why do you like it so much?
Because that's how this girl rolls.
No, it's not. I hate it.
I hate it so much. I hate it.
Honey, I wanted to
fit in with your friends,
but they are exhausting.
No, but I love having both
of my worlds come together.
Look, I love your brother
and his friends to death,
but I just don't know how
you can hang out with them
all the time,
what with the "Whiskey Slap"
- and the texting naked pictures,
- (laughing): Yeah.
- and dating the horrible nut jobs.
- (laughing): I love it.
Why are they all doing
that to themselves?
What do you mean why?
They want what we have.
Come here.
Mm...!
- For the record...
- Yeah?
I like your penis just the way it is.
Oh, you mean slightly above average?
And to the left.
(passionate moaning)
Man, that chauffeur was incredible.
Make sure you give him five stars.
I know stalking's a crime,
but did you see the way Shane
took that mound of dirt?
It was pretty hot.
Is everyone in your spin class nuts?
Cooper, we ride bikes
that don't go anywhere.
I think you just answered
your own question.
So, what have we learned?
Never underestimate the power
of the "Whiskey Slap."
Today's mid-size sedan's
are pretty aerodynamic,
and never send a photo
of your genitals to anyone.
Ever.
What's up?
Dude, I'm tired as hell.
Me and James Franco
about to go take a milk bath.
(chuckles)
Hey, guys,
I just want to apologize
if I've been acting weird, I, uh,
really hope you two are happy together.
Thanks.
Go hug it out.
- So, how's it going?
- Good, good, uh, although
she's a lot tinier than Karina,
so I don't think she'll
be picking me up anytime soon.
Look, man, if, um,
I ever try to give you
girl advice again,
just tell me to shut the hell up.
I mean, I obviously
have no idea what I'm talking about.
- Nice.
- That...
- What else? Cool. And then this.
- Do that?
All right.
Hug? Yeah.
If she suggests role-play
just-just say no.
That's still technically girl advice,
but I may take you up on that.
So, yeah, one final thing:
think twice before you label
somebody a crazy ex,
'cause if you're not careful,
that could easily be you.
One, two, three.
(Neal shouts)
I don't know what I'm doing!
Use your knees!
(Lena laughs, Neal yells, then groans)
COOPER: Whoa!
You might want to j...
(engine revving, all screaming)
(screaming)
Let me start by saying,
that at some point in your life,
you're going to make this mistake.
(screaming continues)
Well, maybe not this exact mistake,
but especially in relationships,
everyone has decisions
they wish they could take back.
Cooper, to celebrate
our one month anniversary,
I just sent you a little picture.
Did you get it?
(text alert blips)
Will you marry me?
(giggling): I'll take that as a yes.
Now you have to send me something.
Uh, Lena, I don't know
if that's a good idea.
FYI...
the next pic I want to send you
incorporates my gymnastics background.
What's the worst that could happen?
I think we know the answer to that.
My name is Cooper Barrett.
My friends and I are here
to mess up our lives
so you don't have to.
_
- Incoming.
- Oh...!
- Oh! What is this yellow,
- Yes.
sudsy beverage you've thrown me?
"B-eer"?
- Am I saying that right?
- (Barry laughs)
Neal, what's up, man?
You love it when Josh
ironically pretends
like he's never tried alcohol.
Sorry.
I just found a picture of Karina
and her new boyfriend.
He's basically my twin.
- Oh no....
- Yeah, I thought that was you.
- COOPER: Got nothing on you.
- Hi.
I'm going to work out.
Who wants to come?
(all laugh)
Why does that question
always get a laugh?
Because it helps us to not
feel bad about ourselves.
(laughs) He's so fat.
(laughs)
She's obviously just trying
to make me jealous, right?
I mean, with this guy...
and this engagement ring thing...
and she's clearly depressed;
look how much weight she's gained.
I think she's pregnant.
Yeah, like eight months.
Come on, man, the only reason
you're obsessing about your ex
is 'cause you haven't hooked
up with anyone in a while,
which is what I am here for.
Cooper, you know if I swung that
way you'd be my first choice,
but it would just ruin our friendship.
I appreciate that, man.
I'm gonna help you find someone,
starting tonight.
You guys could, uh, tag along
to this art charity thing
that Leslie's dragging me to.
Should be some really fine ladies.
- No, I'm good, man, thank you.
- (others mutter disapproval)
There'll be free booze and food.
- Oh, hell yeah!
- I'm ready to go, you ready?
Let's do it.
Not for, like, five hours.
Well, what the hell
you saying something right now for?
Who's gonna finish
with the highest score?
No matter what you're dealing with:
your work issues,
your husband, who you thought
was in the Navy, but really has
a second family in Pomona...
You leave it on the bike!
Three! Two! One!
- Time!
- (buzzer sounds)
(yells)
Long live the queen.
(crying)
MAN: I really enjoyed
watching you ride in there.
Okay, kind of creepy.
I mean, thank you so much.
I'm Shane, AKA Tunes.
Tunes? I feel like I've seen your name
at the top of the male leaderboard.
Ah, it's possible,
male and female, actually,
- but it's not about winning for me.
- Oh, no, no, no. Don't worry.
I'm also super competitive.
I have nightmares about losing
to my niece at checkers,
so you're safe here.
Pfft! That is adorable.
You see, when I'm winning
is the only time
I'm not thinking about winning,
and I'm never not not
thinking about winning
because I always win.
Okay, first of all,
I love how many times
you just said the word "winning."
Second of all,
I feel the same way.
Life is a giant...
- competition.
- Competition.
You want to get a pressed juice?
Uh, do you want to lose
at pressed juice?
- You're on.
- No, you're on.
Oh, I'm gonna beat you there.
- I'll beat you there.
- I'll beat you. Forgot your bag.
- Damn it.
- Oh!
COOPER: All right, Neal.
Get your game face on, okay?
There's a lot of hot women here tonight.
Come on, dude, you know
I can't just go talk to them.
I am way too nervous
and my body literally
starts breaking down.
Just got to block that
out, okay? Come on.
Hey, ladies. I'm Cooper.
This is my very good friend Neal.
Hey, how's it going?
Where are you ladies from?
Dallas.
Nice. Love Dallas.
Your nose is bleeding.
What's your poison?
What are you drinking there?
Can I buy you one sometime, ever?
- I don't feel very good, all of a sudden...
- Tilt your head back. Watch it.
(whispering): I don't know if
I can do this. I'm sorry.
I got to be honest with you,
I've never been to a art exhibit before,
but this is nice.
I don't even know how to act.
Look, just hold your glass like this.
- Okay.
- And say something like:
What an impressive exhibition.
What an impressive exhibition.
(laughs) That's good.
You're officially a grown-up.
- Thank you. Mmm...
- Very good.
- Oh, I don't think...
- Oh, my God! Oh!
Chicken fingers.
No, those aren't chicken fingers.
(muffled): They should hand these out.
The guys and, uh, Leslie
are really hitting it off.
Is that surprising?
Well, a little.
Why?
Well, she's a sophisticated intellectual
and you guys are complete idiots.
- Asked and answered.
- Uh-huh.
COOPER: Oh, look, there's Kelly...
and her boyfriend of no
more than three hours.
Mm.
- Oh, I'll beat you there.
- No, I'll beat you.
- What's up, guys?
- Hi, guys.
Sorry we're late. This is Shane.
- What's up, bro?
- We just took a killer route here
from Burbank.
Destroyed Waze's
estimation by 11 minutes.
- (laughing): Hell, yeah!
- Okay.
What are you guys drinking?
Uh, white wine.
I'm gonna get us something
better than that.
Yeah, you will.
Oh, twice.
Oh, my gosh, isn't he great?
We're both so competitive.
I really feel that, together,
we can beat everyone else
at relationships.
- And they lived happily ever after.
- (Kelly chuckles)
(Neal grunting) Guys, I don't
feel good, I'm gonna go home.
Aw, come on, man,
you can turn this around.
No, I can't turn this around, all right?
You could 'cause you're Cooper Barrett
and your platelets clot, all right?
You never make mistakes with the ladies.
BARRY: Hey, Cooper!
Your penis is on display
in the other room.
NEAL: That's definitely Cooper's penis.
Whoo! Yeah, that's Cooper.
Guys, just 'cause you think
it looks like mine,
which is weird, by the way,
it doesn't mean it is.
Oh, look, it's called, "Cooper."
Wait, really?
_
Why would my penis
be on display in an art gallery?
Folks, if you have any questions
about this piece in particular,
the artist is right over there.
BARRY: Coop, isn't that
your ex-girlfriend?
Oh... that'd be why.
Cooper, that's... (snorts) very impressive.
COOPER: It's not funny.
There's a giant, framed photo
of my junk on display.
I can't believe she would do this.
Are you kidding?
The day after you broke up,
she moved all her stuff
into our apartment
- while you were at work.
- And you guys helped her.
She might have been cray-cray,
but that love seat was to die for.
- Leslie?
- Very good.
- Josh...
- Same size! What?
Can she legally do this?
Eh, I-I don't know, probs.
"Probs?"
You're an attorney and the best
you can do is "probs?"
I do real estate law.
Is this Photoshopped?
Probs.
I'm gonna get her to take it down.
(laughing): Hey, Lena.
Cooper!
Hi, what are you doing here?
Oh, you know, just...
looking at your piece.
- Oh.
- Or should I say my piece?
Isn't it fantastic?
Yeah, thanks, I've always
kind of been a big fan.
Look, I'm just curious
as to why you didn't
ask me for permission.
Uh, it's a feminist perspective
on the acceleration
of modern relationships
due to technological advancement.
It's not about you.
It's called, "Cooper."
Is that your girlfriend over there?
She's pretty.
Look, Lena, the point is
I'm kind of uncomfortable about it.
I just... I just want you
to take it down.
This is my art, Cooper.
If you want it off the wall... buy it.
(laughs)
I'm not gonna buy a photo of my own...
(whispering): penis.
Do I hear $200 for "Cooper?"
I've got two, do I hear three?
I've got three, do I hear four?
Do you really want a photo of my junk?
Your junk?
Five.
AUCTIONEER: Five from the gentleman
with the excellent taste in eyewear.
Aw, that's it, I'm out.
- Josh.
- Yeah?
For your brother. Bid.
Six.
- Do I hear seven?
- Six...
Damn, you gonna let him
do you like that?
- We've got seven.
- What is wrong with you?
Hey, remember me? I'm Neal.
From... Your friend was
from Dallas and...
Do I hear a bid of $700?
God, I've never seen Cooper so defeated.
- $1,500!
- (crowd gasps)
AUCTIONEER: $1,500!
Going once, going twice...
- Sold!
- Sold!
- ...to the very fit man.
- Thank you.
in the fitted gray sweater.
NEAL: Nice!
Nice.
Hey, thank you so much
for winning that photo.
I mean, winning is what I do.
Mm... mm, speaking of which,
I need to hang up my trophy.
One second.
Wha... you're...
Hang up your what?
What are you hanging up?
You saw it.
I totally dominated that auction.
Shane wins,
because Shane always wins.
Where were we?
(Shane groans)
- Uh...
- Oh, this is so good...
for me and you.
(kisses) But mostly me.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Hi. I broke up with Shane
'cause he's a crazy person.
Oh, no, 'cause I'm sorry, 'cause I mean
if you two can't make it,
- who can?
- That's so nice.
Did you at least get
my photo back first?
No, he wants to keep it
on his wall as a trophy,
which is both weird,
and a disastrous design choice.
It appears your junk's
15 minutes are up.
Yeah, but you know, she can make
copies with the original.
So, Neal, I'm gonna need you
to convince her to delete it.
- Why me?
- Well, because
you're very, very, very smart,
she always liked you,
and, um, I just called her
from your phone, so...
- (Barry laughing)
- Dude!
Come on, please, I-I can't have
her selling more photos.
All right.
BARRY: Hurry up, man, she about
to answer, she about to answer!
Josh, dude, I been meaning
to tell you, man,
I had a blast hanging
with the missus last night.
- She is the bomb.
- I know. No offense,
but Leslie always struck me
as the kind of girl
whose idea of fun was a throw pillow
with the word "diva" on it,
but she's actually awesome.
What a relief. I am so happy
you guys like her.
Too bad you'll never see her again.
- What?
- Last night was a big mistake.
I couldn't, uh, you know,
relax and be myself.
From now on, I'm gonna
keep both worlds separate.
Hey, guys!
- BARRY: Hey.
- KELLY: Hello.
I'm here.
- Hi.
- Yay!
- Hey, babe.
- Hi, babe.
Thanks for the invite, B.
- Got you, L-Boogie.
- He's so sweet.
(laughing): Yeah.
- Can I sit right here?
- Sure.
Ah, we're on a date.
(uncomfortable laughter)
- Morning, man.
- Hello.
Hey, did you get a chance
to talk to Lena?
Uh, yes, actually, I did.
Uh, I met her out
for a couple of drinks.
In fact, she deleted all of the pictures
off her hard drive right in front of me.
I could kiss you, and
that's a real offer this time.
That's okay, um, but it's funny
that you mentioned that,
because we actually talked
for a little bit,
Lena and I, and,
for what it's worth,
she's not as crazy as you think.
Yeah, okay.
- Morning, baby.
- Hey.
Hey, Cooper.
(moaning and kissing)
You have such strong, powerful lips.
(Lena giggling)
Unlike some people.
Your lips are like pillows made of skin.
- (giggling) Mmm...
- NEAL: Skin-pillows.
Still here, guys,
in what used to be my personal space.
Where do you keep the herbal teas?
Above the stove,
next to the antipsychotics.
(whispering): Dude...
you were totally right.
The minute I started
making out with her,
I completely forgot about my ex.
Oh, you mean Karina?
You know, right now, I feel
like that giant bag of muscles
was the best thing
that ever happened to you.
Look, man, I know
dating a buddy's ex
without checking first
is kind of against bro-tocol,
so just let me know,
and I'll call the whole thing off.
Uh...
NEAL (whispering):
Please don't call it off.
Please don't call it off.
Please don't call it off.
No, you don't have to do that, man.
Oh, thank God, okay.
Hope this won't be weird for you.
(forced laughter): Weird?
Why would it be weird?
Uh, Lena...
I think you're wearing my shirt.
Oh, yeah, it does smell like you.
(Lena moaning) Now me... and Neal.
And our lust.
Cool.
It's very, very cool.
It's a cool situation.
(whispering): Cooper, Cooper...
You're never gonna believe what
just happened at spin class.
(kissing)
Why is your crazy ex-girlfriend
giving Neal a tongue bath
in the kitchen?
Because she's crazy.
She went out with Neal
last night in some kind of
weird, desperate attempt
to get closer to me,
and now she's in my kitchen with
easy access to all the knives.
Okay, you think your ex is crazy?
I just ran into Shane.
That guy's crazy.
Yes, I'm gonna dominate today.
Spinqueen ain't here.
She ain't here.
And she isn't gonna be here
for a long, long time.
What does that mean?
Sorry, that sounded way more
ominous than I intended.
Don't worry, babe.
It's not what you think.
- Hyah!
- (groans)
(crying)
Why?
- Oh, my gosh, what...? Are you okay?
- Help me.
- Are you okay? Oh, my God!
- Help me, help me.
Someone help! Medic!
Wow, that is crazy.
I can't believe he Kerrigan-ed her.
Uh, technically, he Gilool-ied her.
I used to figure skate... competitively.
Yeah, the competitively
kind of goes without saying.
Okay, and now he won't stop texting me.
Oh, terrible news.
Just awful...
- What, is something wrong with Gracie?
- Oh, God, what?
Much worse: Leslie wants
to invite you guys
over for a dinner party.
- Dinner party? Ooh...
- Dinner party? Ooh...
(panting): Hey.
BARRY: Yeah, I know.
Got the text
(sing-song): about 45 minutes ago.
You know, I'm just stoked...
to live like an adult.
I think I'm gonna bring some fondue.
(ringtone plays)
Aah!
Hi, it's Kelly.
Leave a message.
(phone beeps)
(exhales)
Hey, there you are. So fun, so much fun.
- So much fun.
- Come on in.
I'm so glad you guys are here.
You're right on time.
Everybody's grabbing a drink,
and watching your
ex-girlfriend feed Neal grapes,
- like he's the Sultan of Brunei.
- (Neal chews loudly)
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hey, hi.
- We're gonna have so much fun.
- Oh, my gosh...
- You ready to turn it up?
- I am.
- COOPER: Hey.
- Okay. Hey, bro.
What are you doing?
Just making Lena jealous.
By making me uncomfortable?
Look, if I tell Neal
that she's using him,
he may never talk to me
again, but if he sees
that she's using him,
then he'll just end things with her,
so you and I need to flirt outrageously
until she flies into
some kind of jealous rage,
or hits you or something.
Okay, or you could just talk to her.
Yeah, the direct approach
is always best.
By the way, I need you guys to
act like your true moron selves
so Leslie never wants to
hang out with you guys again.
I will not act like
a complete moron tonight.
No, no, no.
Grown-up Barry's in the house.
Hey, Leslie, let me tell you,
these crab cakes are a vision,
and also, the economy is doing
strange things, let's discuss.
But first...
these guys taught me a little game
that we like to call, "Whiskey Slap."
"Whiskey Slap?" Wh-what's that?
- "Whiskey Slap"
- Yeah.
- is where you do a shot of whiskey,
- Okay.
And you get smacked in the face.
These guys play it all the time.
It is awful.
Josh...
I'm the Queen of "Whiskey Slap."
No, literally... my sorority crowned me
after I slapped
Maggie Christopher so hard
the police brought in her
boyfriend for questioning.
What a delightful anecdote.
I think I still have
my rush week shot glasses.
- Stay right there.
- She's a good-time gal,
ladies and gentleman.
BARRY: Good-time gal.
Shane always wins.
- (screams)
- Shh!
You shh! You scared the crap out of me.
You have to start acting
like you're more into me.
I'm not Meryl Streep.
Not with that attitude you're not.
Look, as we go back to the table,
just put your hand in my back pocket.
Sure, just set your
time machine to 1980.
Front pocket?
(whispering): Kelly.
Would you at least just move closer?
I mean, we look like
two strangers waiting for a bus.
(whispering): Okay, okay.
(whispering): Thank you. Okay.
Just-just give me your hand.
Give me your hand, okay.
How awful is this?
It's the worst.
(clearing throat): Lena.
She's still not looking.
- I think we're gonna have to kiss.
- Are you insane?
- What?
- That's not happening.
Just one nice smooch.
- Mm...
- Oh, my God...
I'm sorry, no, no.
- Try...
- No.
Direct approach it is.
I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Hurt her and I'll kill you.
Boop.
That was a wrong move, my friend.
- I'm-a take this shot, though.
- Okay, you should.
Leslie, give it to him.
(Kelly guffawing)
I think we need to talk about Lena.
You feeling weird?
Yeah, but to be fair,
there's a lot of weirdness
going on here tonight, so...
Oh, yeah.
There's a strong chance
that Lena's only dating you
to get closer to me.
I mean, she's been obsessed
- with me since day one, and I just want...
- Cooper...
Look, man, I-I know that
this is hard for you to hear,
but Lena and I have a real connection.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
JOSH: Such expensive whiskey...
(Kelly laughs)
How come she tried to kiss me
in the hallway just now, then?
Are you serious?
Aha! No, but the fact you believed me
means deep down you know I'm right.
NEAL: Oh, my God, why would you even...
I think it's time to
move on to a new game.
(Leslie shouts)
LESLIE: Oh, no!
- (Barry gasping)
- Barry?
That about wraps up tonight's dinner.
What a perfect end to a perfect evening.
Driver, let's cap off
this beautiful evening
with a little NPR.
- Can I get some Terry Gross?
- DRIVER: Okay.
Let's just go home.
Did you guys see how Lena
was behaving in there?
She's back in the running
for craziest ex.
She won't text me back.
She's obviously a sociopath.
Driver,
back in my day,
chauffeurs wore gloves.
Do you have on gloves?
We should go to Lena's apartment
so I can confront her
face to crazy face.
Driver, make a right at the light.
You just text
your ex-girlfriend 15 times.
Now you want to show up
at her place, unannounced,
in the middle of the night.
- (text chimes)
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, heh, heh.
Listen to this: "Cooper,
"you're scaring me. Please stop.
I'm sorry if this hurts you,
but I really like Neal."
- Damn.
- What a whack job.
Cooper, when Neal was obsessing
about his ex-girlfriend,
you thought he was crazy, right?
- A hundred percent.
- Well, say Lena actually likes Neal.
Now you're the guy texting
and harassing an ex
who's in a happy relationship,
- thus, making you...
- The crazy ex.
BARRY: Mm-mm.
- Oh, my God, I'm the crazy ex.
- Yeah.
(all yelling)
- I own your penis!
- ALL: Go, go, go!
BARRY: Lay on the gas!
- (engine revving)
- Not again!
Hey.
Nice bike.
Guys, guys, I don't believe it!
Sir, I'm not joking, step on it.
Man, that guy can really ride a bike.
It's the most attractive
thing about him.
No, no, believe me, I totally get it.
I'm about to start a spin class.
Sir, could you please go faster?
He's gaining on us.
BARRY: All right, turn,
turn, turn, turn!
Whoa! You might want to j...
(all screaming)
I guess she was right.
Shane's way crazier.
(all screaming)
(Barry shrieks)
Oh, ho-ho!
Good show, Rashid.
We're gonna have to tip you 12%.
Whoo!
Man...
you really whacked Barry good.
Nothing good ever comes
when I play "Whiskey Slap."
Tables get broken.
Innocent boyfriends end up serving time.
Then why do you like it so much?
Because that's how this girl rolls.
No, it's not. I hate it.
I hate it so much. I hate it.
Honey, I wanted to
fit in with your friends,
but they are exhausting.
No, but I love having both
of my worlds come together.
Look, I love your brother
and his friends to death,
but I just don't know how
you can hang out with them
all the time,
what with the "Whiskey Slap"
- and the texting naked pictures,
- (laughing): Yeah.
- and dating the horrible nut jobs.
- (laughing): I love it.
Why are they all doing
that to themselves?
What do you mean why?
They want what we have.
Come here.
Mm...!
- For the record...
- Yeah?
I like your penis just the way it is.
Oh, you mean slightly above average?
And to the left.
(passionate moaning)
Man, that chauffeur was incredible.
Make sure you give him five stars.
I know stalking's a crime,
but did you see the way Shane
took that mound of dirt?
It was pretty hot.
Is everyone in your spin class nuts?
Cooper, we ride bikes
that don't go anywhere.
I think you just answered
your own question.
So, what have we learned?
Never underestimate the power
of the "Whiskey Slap."
Today's mid-size sedan's
are pretty aerodynamic,
and never send a photo
of your genitals to anyone.
Ever.
What's up?
Dude, I'm tired as hell.
Me and James Franco
about to go take a milk bath.
(chuckles)
Hey, guys,
I just want to apologize
if I've been acting weird, I, uh,
really hope you two are happy together.
Thanks.
Go hug it out.
- So, how's it going?
- Good, good, uh, although
she's a lot tinier than Karina,
so I don't think she'll
be picking me up anytime soon.
Look, man, if, um,
I ever try to give you
girl advice again,
just tell me to shut the hell up.
I mean, I obviously
have no idea what I'm talking about.
- Nice.
- That...
- What else? Cool. And then this.
- Do that?
All right.
Hug? Yeah.
If she suggests role-play
just-just say no.
That's still technically girl advice,
but I may take you up on that.
So, yeah, one final thing:
think twice before you label
somebody a crazy ex,
'cause if you're not careful,
that could easily be you.
One, two, three.
(Neal shouts)
I don't know what I'm doing!
Use your knees!
(Lena laughs, Neal yells, then groans)