Community (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 4 - Queer Studies & Advanced Waxing - full transcript

"Always scare Danielson,
Miyagi hate fighting."

"Miyagi hate fighting."

- Line?
- "Yeah, but you like karate."

Right, right, yeah, but,
y... you like karate though.

So?

- Line.
- Chang, the audition's at 3.00.

Maybe I shouldn't go, you
know, maybe I'm a bad actor.

Being good is a fraction of acting.
It takes discipline and confidence.

Discipline, confidence. Okay from the top.

"Always scare Danielson.
Miyagi hate fighting."

Line.



I heard Karate Kid quotes.

Chang is auditioning for the stage
adaptation of Karate Kid downtown.

Yeah, and it's for the
part of Daniel LaRusso.

- You got a problem with that, racist?
- No, you're acting now?

- Yeah, you got a problem with that?
- I'm clear.

They took my snake, and they
turned it into a plumber.

They made the eggs, into barrels.

The pine tree they made into a
gorilla, but I recognized my design.

Donkey Kong my ass.

That's construction snake.

- I don't practice law anymore.
- But, we have a case, right?

- Isn't everyone you'd be suing dead?
- That's not cool, man.

- Why would a tree throw eggs at a snake?
- Why would a papal be fighting a monkey?

I don't know, I don't know.



The Wi-Fi's still broken.

- What happened to good morning?
- It's a bad morning, no Wi-Fi.

Yeah, we really need Wi-Fi.

Okay, let's not get carried
away. We need oxygen.

We have oxygen, we need Wi-Fi.

Wi-Fi, Wi-Fi, Wi-Fi.

Okay, enough, right?

Look what I'm doing, look.

Fix, Wi-Fi.

Mm-hm, okay, boom and boom.

All right. I, I'm trying
to find the IT lady.

My emails to her get bounced back
to me in Aramaic, and when I call,

I hear an undulating high-pitched
whistle that makes my nose bleed.

Well, sounds like a bad IT lady, right?

Frankie, hire a new IT lady.

I'm pretty handy with technology.

I'm assuming it's still the
same, smaller holes, more bytes.

- Now what are we up to now, mega?
- Tera.

Tera.

They did it, those bastards.
They finally did it.

Frankie, hire Elroy.
Elroy, you're the IT lady.

- Can I be his assistant?
- Not for money.

- Can I be his friend?
- Elroy Abed is your friend.

Now the real reason I came by, I'm dying.

Not really, but imagine how bad you
feel for complaining about the Wi-Fi.

Here's the real reason.

Too short?

It is too short?

It's not too short? You people are no help.

School board come in.

School board, you're surrounded.

If this is about the bonfire, we'll
put it out when the weather breaks.

We come in peace.

We've had our ups and
downs, but as of right now.

We love this school, and love
what you're doing with it.

What? Why?

What would you think about moving up?

Well.

Joining us on the board?

Me? I would love to be on the school board.

- Awesome.
- Awesome.

One, one more thing. You're gay, right?

I mean, like openly gay.

I'm not openly anything, and
gay doesn't begin to cover it.

No, no.

Oh, I get it.

This is about the uproar over you
guys cancelling the pride parade,

for a school board parade.

Those guys get to dress fancy all year.

- No, no.
- We have one day!

No, this isn't about that.

This is about adding a
new face to the board.

But, if that new face
happened to be openly gay,

it would be because we're so tolerant.

And always work. But,
that's for us to deal with.

The question you have to
ask is, am I openly gay?

Because, if you are that
gayness could be a rocket,

thrusting you to new gay heights.

And if you're not. Well, there's
a lot of gay guys out there.

I feel that's the selling
point of the lifestyle.

You know, I, I, I never
thought about it that way.

Well, I have. Cutting women
out of sex, it's genius.

Gay dean. Gay dean. Gay dean. Gay dean.

I'm begging you to be a gay
dean of the school board.

This should lead to the router.

Back up, back up, back up,
back up, back up, back back.

Wh, wh, what's going on?

There's a birds nest in
there, with babies in it.

The mother must have built
it there because of the heat.

Same reason my mom took
my half brother to Arizona.

That's probably why the Wi-Fi's
down, we'll have to move it.

If you move them the
mother won't come back.

Those birds aren't the new IT
lady, I am. I'll move it carefully.

The mother won't come back.

Kid, animals have been murdering
each other for 3 billion years.

Birds have had their 15
million in the spotlight.

The same as lizards and plants and
they all just use it to murder, eat,

screw and not invent Wi-Fi.

Now we may end up saving this one, or
blowing it to hell or making a new one.

But we can't do any of it while
scheduling our evolution around

the needs of the least lucky birds.

What are you, a demon?
Did Clive Barker write you?

Anyone who finds that nest,
will come to the same decision.

And you don't have to get mean.

Mean? You just did a baby
bird murder monologue.

Maybe they're close to leaving the nest,

until then can't you just stall
by doing what real IT people do?

- What's that?
- Exactly.

I've got one year to make it all
work, and that's what I'm gonna do,

make it work, all of it.

This place is intimidating.

You're gonna do great.

Next up, Ben Chang, for
the role of Daniel LaRusso.

Thank you.

Daniel-san, why you want learn karate?

- Hang on a second.
- Sorry, I can do better.

Zip it.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Annie, a friend of Chang's.

You mind coming up here and
reading with your friend?

Okay, if it helps.

- "Daniel-san, what you want?"
- Okay, no, sorry, no.

You read Daniel-san. You read Miyagi.

We'll do scene seven, Miyagi's office.

- Are you the repairman?
- Aye.

- The faucet's really leaky there.
- Aye.

- When you gonna fix it?
- After.

- After what?
- After after.

Tell everyone else to go home.

We got the parts!

Here, here.

Parts plural?

Well yeah, Annie got my part
and I got the Asian part.

Ping... Stop!

We were cast as Mr. Miagi and the
Karate Kid, because we're a good team!

We're a team, because
one of us is so talented

she got cast outside her gender and the
other one, got cast because of eye shape.

I am not letting you
sabotage yourself like this.

Let's say you're right.

And like Sidney Poitier or Meg Ryan
before you, you were cast for race.

It's what the actor does with
the role they get, that matters.

- All right?
- You're right.

All right, IT lady. How goes it?

- I found your problem.
- And?

I'll need a little time to fix it.

Wow, need time to fix it? You
sound just like you work in IT.

I've got some interesting news, the
school board, offered me a position.

Great.

Cool.

Well I got a part in a play and
we were sort of talking about that,

so read the room Pelton.

- Are you gonna take the job?
- I don't know, there's a catch.

Jeffery, Frankie, could I
see you in my office please?

They want you to be a token homosexual?

It's a form of progress, 30 years ago,

the most power an openly gay
could achieve was a center square.

- But I'm not just gay.
- What does that mean?

If coming out is a magic show, and
gayness is the rabbit out of the hat,

I'm one of those, never
in any handkerchiefs.

Is that truth, Craig?

Anything other than straight,
is plenty gay for a school board.

The most important point is, are
you prepared to make your sexuality,

which is nobody's business, an
aspect of your role in society?

I know I'm not, so I don't.

No?

When a person becomes symbolic
they gain symbolic power,

at the price of independent power.

Yep. That's an excellent point.

It could be good for Greendale, for one
of our own to be on the school board.

I mean the fact that you'd be leaving
a few items off your list of your

turn-ons, I mean, the goal in politics,
isn't transparency, it's winning.

- That's why the politicians always win.
- They do always win, don't they?

But now I get a chance to win. I could
change the system from the inside out.

And all I have to do is pare down
my sexuality to simple gayness,

which is heavily in the mix.

There you go.

Get ready, America.

Dean Pelton is coming out as
approximately two-sevenths of what he is.

Come on. Don't leave me hanging.

There we go.

I am so curious.

- Oh.
- Intellectually.

All right. This is a pretty basic scene.

No real subtext. Let's just get it up
on its feet. There's no wrong answers.

Okay? Great. Go.

Hey, come fix faucet.

Oh, Karate, learn from book?

Yeah. And a few classes back at
the Y in Jersey where I'm from.

What happened I?

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I guess there are wrong answers.

Quick adjustment, Ben.

- Yeah?
- Act better. Act better.

Thanks.

Annie, you're doing great.
Keep doing what you're doing.

Oh.

- Can I ask about by motiv...
- Keep me from puking is your motivation.

Stop making me want to quit
the theater and kill myself.

Go. After "what happened I.

Oh.

Okay.

Hey. I fell off my bike.

Hm. Lucky no hurt hand.

Okay. Can I see this tool box?

Great. This is good. Got it.

I got distracted cuz the tools
were doing a better job than you.

What happened I? Say it.

What happened I.

Liar. Stop lying to me. Say it.

- What happened I.
- What happened after?

You crying? You cry when I tell you to cry.

So reabsorb that disgusting droplet of salt
and bad choices back into your doughy body.

And then call your mother to see if
you can be reabsorbed back into her

doughy body or so help me God, I
will take that tear, I will freeze it,

and I will stab you in the eye with it,

you waste of a soul-shaped
hole forgotten by God.

Okay.

What should I...

Annie, don't change a thing,
you're perfect. Unless you want to.

Okay.

All right I'm Reg County, this is my
man Carl. We work on the school board.

- Yeah, we do.
- We have some exciting news for you.

Your own dean, Craig Pelton, has
been selected to join the board

of Colorado Community Colleges,
and I'll just go, go ahead Dean.

Guys. Talk.

Okay. Hello Greendale.

As you know, this is something
I wanted for a very long time

and I wanted to thank all
of the people at Greendale

that helped me achieve this
and my partner, Domingo.

- Very proud of my Craig.
- Oh, that's, but, oh, oh.

And now let's open it up to some questions.

- Dean.
- Dean.

As a gay dean, what is your opinion
about the recent controversy surrounding

the cancelled Pride Parade, and
do you think you were selected

to join the board because
of your sexual preference?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I would just like to say that we are very
proud to have Mr. Pelton on the board,

whatever his lifestyle may be.

Which happens to be gay!
Which is great, but irrelevant!

Hey, it gets better!

Oh good. We're so happy.

- I feel like scum.
- Gay people are scum?

Hey, don't play that
card with me young man.

I make gayness look like Mormonism.

I don't like being this dishonest.

Dean, I want to say thanks for doing this.

I never knew.

I mean, people talked, but...

Sure, well, it really doesn't
have anything to do with my work.

Yeah, but it's helpful, to me.

You know, and to a lot of us, so.

Thank you.

Hm.

Confine yourself to your role, Domingo.

And lose the attitude.

Hare krishna. Krishna krishna.

Oh, Daniel-san, you much-a humor.

Hm, okay. Let's stop there.

I'm not gonna hit you. And
it's not because it's illegal,

and it's certainly not because
I'm afraid you know karate

because there is nothing about
your performance that is believable.

See, we only hit things, that effect us.

I don't hit water, or old mayonnaise.
Or the air after a fart has dissipated.

And I'm not hitting you.

You are the worst actor I've ever directed

and I've directed both Wahlbergs!

From the top!

Danny does a bit with the
floor sanders, Miyagi is amused,

and Kenny gets me another god damned
cup of coffee with six Splendas in it!

Hare Krishna.

He's so mean to Chang.
I don't know what to do.

You could just drop out of the play.

Well, you know I could. Or Chang could.

I mean, the director
is not being mean to me.

But you talked Chang into
auditioning and then you got his part

and now he's suffering.

- You're right, I should threaten to quit.
- Or just quit.

Well, if I threaten to quit maybe that will
be enough for him to stop abusing Chang.

I was kind of born to act, Brita.

When I do it, I can feel
it pleasing the universe.

- That's dramatic.
- See?

Theodore says that if they're sparrows
they'll be flying in less than 12 days.

If they're albatrosses, we're in trouble.

Albatrosses have a 270
day fledgling period.

Thanks for guarding the nest with me.

Uh-oh.

This is what you do when
you're working? Must be nice.

All right, look. There's a
bird's nest in the router.

Now if you want to fire me, fire me.

Either way, until those birds
are gone nobody gets any closer.

Well of course not. If you move
them the mother won't come back.

Keep up the good work.

Show me wax on.

This is the worst acting
I've ever seen in my life.

Show me wax, off.

The ghost of your father
just turned his back on you.

Your ancestors are clawing their way
deeper into the Earth to get away from you,

you make me embarrassed to have
thumbs, I can see air quotes around you.

Shelby paint Fitz.

Knock, knock, knock, anybody home?

Oh look, there's nobody
here, oh it's so dusty,

it's almost like nobody's
been here in years.

There's a note.

"Never let me act."

Mr. Lundegaard, I'm sorry, but I
cannot stand by while you do this.

- That's fine, you can go.
- I'm not bluffing.

You can't make an actor more
talented by yelling at them.

And if you don't stop, your
lead character is going to walk.

Lead? You played Danny LaRusso.

Well I'm the Karate Kid.

The Karate Kid is about Kesuke Miyagi,

an immigrant who fought against
his own people in World War II,

while his wife lost a
child in an internment camp.

Noriyuki Morita was nominated for
an Academy Award for his performance.

Ralph Macchio? Showed up.

I cast you because your measurements allow
me to use the same wardrobe as last year.

I cast Ben because he has the sadness and
talent that could make this show great.

If I have to physically drill into
his chest and suck it out with a straw!

So you can take a flying kick
and a rolling donut! You're fired.

But I'm talented, too, right?

What? No. Really? Really?

Oh my God! You're like doing a
terrible Vinnie Barbarino up here.

But, like, I know you're not
capable of anything better,

so, that's why I've been so nice to you.

Take care Annie.

Yikes, right?

What a diva.

- Thanks for sticking up for me.
- No problem?

From now on, she's dead to us.

Hey Gerry Dean we got a problem
here. You ring the local papers.

You've shut down the campus WiFi
until a nest of baby birds can grow?

That's a little too gay.

I didn't do it because
I'm gay. Wait, I'm not gay.

Oh, that did not just get said to us.

You are gay. You are
openly gay and we love it.

But now we are dealing with
more flak from conservatives for

appointing you than we ever did
from gays for not having one of you.

Yeah, and the gays aren't
coming to your side.

You know why? Because the whole
point is to get a job by being gay

and then to do as good
of job as the normals.

That's what the gays want.

They don't want a gay dean who
acts like a weird gay monster.

- I'm not a gay dean.
- Whoa, not...

Cool, man. Don't bring
us into your web of lies.

Well, now what do you want me to do?

Figure it out, gay dean. Figure it out.

- Hey, Domingo.
- Hey, what's up?

Guys, the school needs Wi-Fi,
and my job is to run the school.

The school doesn't need baby birds.

- The nest needs to be moved.
- You are not crossing this line.

- I'm taping this. This is on video.
- Guys...

This is two white security guards versus
one unarmed black man and two baby birds.

Your move.

Stand down. Stand down.

No security, no weapons.

Just one unarmed black man versus
one unarmed, openly gay dean.

Now move that nest, please.

Just a hair back Domingo, it's
like you're breathing for me.

I have called this press conference
because I have been less that

honest with the public.

You know me as the openly gay dean
of Greendale Community College,

but that doesn't even begin
to describe what I really am.

I belong to one of the most marginalized
and least openly honest groups in America.

I am a politician.

Now what does that mean?

Are politicians like you?
Well we look like you,

but we will say and do whatever we have
to in order to acquire and keep our jobs.

It means nothing I say and very few
of the things I think can be trusted.

I am tired of being in this particular
closet so I am coming out now.

I only hope that you can accept an
openly political person on your board.

If not, I understand.

Thank you.

Just faster if get to my office this
way. We don't need any pictures of this.

I can't believe the Dean got
kicked off the school board

just for admitting he's political.

Yeah.

Some groups take longer than
others to gain acceptance.

We like our politicians in the
closest because we're afraid,

deep down, we're all a little political.

- Any of you guys smell a bird murderer?
- I came here to apologize.

Well, I hope your apology comes
with a beak and hollow bones

and a special magnet in
his head it uses to migrate.

- You skipped wings.
- Insects have wings.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Abed. I lost myself
in a role. It won't happen again.

Two of them died.

There's one left. He's hanging on,

but I'm worried he's turning
into a symbol of my own innocence.

- Isn't Chang's play tonight?
- If any of you go, you're supporting abuse.

Oh, dial it back, Annie.

Well, I'm definitely in.

It'll be interesting to see how his fake
crying is different from his real crying.

Well I'm a big fan of the performing
arts, but I'll go to Chang's play anyway.

Karate Kid adaptation?
Karate Kid adaptation?

Okay. I might. I'm catching up.

Directors have a saying.

Actors are worthless,
empty-headed homunculi,

but the right one, in the
right role can change the world.

Hm, I have found the right one.

He's found the right role, and
tonight, your world changes.

You're welcome.

- He replaced me with Annie Kim.
- Shh.

Hee-ah!

Ow.

Sorry. You okay?

You must be the new people in apartment 20.

What was that? Karate?

Yeah, you know?

Hey, me and some of my friends are
gonna have a party at the beach later.

You should come.

- Hey! Are you the repair man?
- Aye.

- Faucet's really leaking there.
- Aye.

- When are you gonna fix it?
- After.

- After what?
- After, after.

Come ask, leave boy alone to train.

You got a lot of nerve, old man.
But I like that. I like that.

- Name a place.
- Tournament.

Yes, sir. Regret to inform wife, sir.

Complication at birth, sir.

No doctor, it can't.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

- Please forgive me.
- Shh.

No need fight anymore, you proved point.

What? That I could take a beating?

Every time I see those guys,
they'll know they got the best of me.

Close eye.

Get up, Daniel. Get up!

Yeah, woo woo!

- You all right, Russo?
- Yeah, you missed my head.

We did it, Mister Miyagi. We did it.

- I'm speechless.
- I forgot Chang was up there.

Me, too.

It's such a relief to be able to support
him out of something other than fear.

I guess all that suffering
Chang endured paid off.

It's not what the play
suggests, but you have to wonder

if it wouldn't have been better
for Daniel to get beat up even more.

I am at a total loss about what
lesson to learn from any of this.

Maybe that's the lesson.

Hm.

- I lost a button.
- Maybe we all lost a button.

Hey, hey guys!

Thank you so much.

- Hey, thank you for making me do this.
- You're welcome. Congratulations.

- I'm jealous.
- No, no, don't be.

Believe me, I sit in my dressing room

and all I dream about is a
white picket fence and a dog.

I don't have those either.

Chang, let's go.

I guess all the actors go to
some sort of actor bar together.

So, I'll see you guys at school. Bye.

Hey, I know this great bar for
people that don't hate themselves.

What do you say?

- My lady.
- My lord.

We are gathered here today to celebrate
the release of this bird into these skies.

That its now fully formed wings may
find purchase upon the four winds.

If anyone would like to say
something, now's the time.

Oh, I'll always remember how you
kept me from getting email for a week.

And that chirp you do
when you want more bread.

Yeah, that one.

And now everyone, please put on
your cat masks and finger wings.

With these cat masks, we
remind you that this place

can no longer be your home, but
with the fluttering of these wings,

we symbolically join your
flight into the natural world.

Wings everyone.

Okay. You can go now.

Yeah. Off you go.

Time to go, little bird,
that's just the way it is.

Whee!

Aw.

- Then it's done.
- You did the right thing, Abed.

Thanks to you, that bird has his
whole bird life ahead of him, to fly,

meet lady birds, even start a bird family.

You made a difference.

Aw.

Abed.