Community (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 3 - Basic Crisis Room Decorum - full transcript

The Greendale gang goes on the offensive when a rival college releases an attack ad.

Frankie, are you awake?

I'm in bed, but I only rest
half my brain at a time. Go!

Greendale in jeopardy.

Need to call emergency meeting,
ASAP, no time to explain.

I can be at the school in 30 minutes,
and I'll have the Dean notify the others.

- Could you notify the others?
- You don't think the Dean can handle it?

Do what you think is best.

Annie Edison requesting emergency
meeting at school in 30.

Greendale in trouble.

- I'll notify the others.
- I can do that if you like.

I think I can handle notifying
others, thank you very much.

Annie, Jeffrey, emergency meeting
at the school in 30 minutes.

I already know.

I'm the one calling the meeting.

- What up, yo?
- Who is this other number?

It's a group text.
I'm texting you and Jeffrey.

It's me. I am Jeffrey,
best friend of Dean.

Hi, Jeffrey. Hm.

Dean, that number is not
in my phone as Jeff's,

and it doesn't even look like
an American phone number.

Oh, my God. How
stupid can I get?

You never told me you gave
Annie a fake phone number.

Yes, Dean, this is me,
Jeffrey, you are best friend.

Hold on, I'll cover.

You're right, I had the wrong number,
see you at the school.

I am so sorry, Jeffrey.
I hope I didn't get you in trouble.

No worries, Dean.
I love you.

You're always so sweet, when we're
texting, but then in real life.

Bro, I just secret that way with love.
You know, my style.

We keep loving in text, but
then secret forever. Meow.

Oh, hm.


Annie, if you're not dying,
I'm gonna murder you.

I had to remove my night
cream, it's $200 an ounce.

It's 3 A.M. in the
fricking morning, Edison,

what gives you the
right to haul us in here?

Chang, how did you even
find out about this?

- I have a right to be here.
- Hi!

Why are you awake?

I have a theory about this,
Britta may be secretly twins.

- No, I was working.
- At the bar?

- Does that mean you're drunk?
- Could a drunk person do this?

Hi, everybody.


Okay, 41 minutes ago, I received this
email from a friend that interns at KZBC.

The TV station?

No, the unrelated, totally random
combination of those four letters.


Subject: "Heads up." Annie,
still going to Greendale?

Thought you should know,

City College is running a negative
ad about your school at 7 A.M.

Heard it's pretty bad.

Let me see that.

City College is
running an attack ad?

- That's a first.
- They're getting desperate.

Our registration numbers
are trending upward.

Because the population keeps growing,
and no one here ever graduates.

Actually, our numbers are up because
of improvements Frankie's made.

Those improvements, were only possible
through your hard work, Annie.

- Oh, get a boardroom.
- Interesting.

When were you gonna share
the whole truth about this,

- and not just the parts that suit you?
- What?

"PS: I was glad to hear
Brenda's doing better."

Ha? Ha?

Just because City College is scared,
doesn't mean they're not dangerous.

Is there anything in particular
they could smear us with?

Nothing in particular,

just overlapping clouds of many
thousands and thousands of things.

- Let's not forget the Brenda factor.
- There isn't a Brenda factor.

He says she's doing better.
Better than what?

Her thyroid condition!
Can you focus?

Can Brenda?

Probably more so, now.

Okay, we need to see
this ad before it airs.

I'm working on
getting us a copy.

I have friends in the AV
department at City College.

Ooh la la.

The brotherhood of AV exists
beyond your petty factionalism.

We serve only video, the one true
queen, and her faithful consort, audio.

Oh, could you guys
be bigger nerds?

No, most of us have achieved
our maximum potential.

Well, Annie's right.

We do have a situation here, so we
will make this our situation room.


We need whiteboards,
corkboards, laptops.

A bunch of clocks with different
times on them, a red phone,

a big tabletop map with little
Nazi tanks, and/or a Godzilla.

The ad airs at 7 A.M.

That means we have four
hours and 13 minutes

to figure out what they're
throwing at us and how to respond.

You know,
it's the darndest thing,

I think Britta somehow
crapped in my pants too.

Uh-huh, better head home.

Jeff, you can't just
leave a situation room.

It's only a situation room,
because she called it that.

I mean I could declare it a...

- Cookie room!

There are no cookies.
There is a situation.

You guys, where's the Greendale spirit!
Where's the pride?

- I'm fine.
- Found it.

She was wandering around
campus, without pants.

- What's going on in here?
- Situation room.

- What's the situation?
- Brenda's got a bad thyroid.

I'm sorry to hear that.
You can keep the pants.

- I'm going back to bed.
- I'm going with him.

- I'm gonna watch.
- Got it!

Downloading it now.

You work hard to earn
your degree,

and your school should work hard
to make that degree valuable.

So, why is Greendale Community
College giving degrees to dogs?

In 2001, a Staffordshire
terrier mix named Ruffles

took up residence on
Greendale's campus.

By 2008, Ruffles had
earned a Bachelor's Degree.

Not a two year degree,
a four year degree.

Where will you get your degree?

If the answer is Greendale,
prepare to get boned.

Paid for by City
College, license 264392.

Did we give a degree to a dog?

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Okay, it's okay, it's all right.

So, this is Greendale,
not City College?

I'm gonna get more pants.

They've been calling me in to do more
stuff lately. It's pretty exciting.

Well trust me, we'll be lucky if
we get in three words before...

The first step is
to pull our facts.

The most important one
being, Dean Pelton,

did Greendale Community College
give a degree to a dog?

I seem to recall, no.

No way. There's absolutely
no way.

Not that dog.

- That dog?
- You remember the dog.

- Was it enrolled in classes?
- Hm.

How are these hard questions?

Why, are these the questions
you're asking?

You don't wanna know, if
a dog got a degree here?

It's not important.

What I wanna know is,

did a dog get a degree here,
in any way that can be proven?

- Ooh, I like that, Jeffrey.
- I don't like that! I like the truth.

Play lawyer on your own time.

This is my own time.
You wanted me invested?

Well, this dump
cuts my paychecks,

and I've got three
hours to defend it.

So, how many seconds of
that should I waste on truth,

which is an artificial construct
that rarely holds up in court,

and has never changed
the outcome of a fight.

- I'm sorry you have to see him like this.
- Well, he is right about one thing,

if City College can't
support their claim,

it's libel, we can have
the station pull the ad,

but that is precisely why
the truth does matter.

- The Brenda paradox.
- I found the dog.

I also found a lot of people's
social security numbers.

- You know, this incident's gone to far.
- Yeah.

This says she's registered
as a border terrier.

- They said Staffordshire in the commercial.
- Isn't that something?

I mean we've known this animal 30
seconds and she's already unreliable.

Who is the real Ruffles?

I'm sorry. Our strategy
is to go after the dog?

Our strategy is denial, which
includes discrediting the source.

Abed, can you make one
of those attack ads?

Jeff wants me to make me an attack ad.
So, why is he a pedophile?

- Just demonstrating the formula.
- You can refine your technique as you go.

I wanna know everything
about this Ruffles,

she thinks she went
to this school, fine.

But, maybe she thinks
cat turds are delicious.

And maybe she barks just a
little bit more, at black mailmen.

And she's spayed now,

but how many puppies
are out there?

If you do this, we're no
better than City College.

We've never been better than City College.
We gave a degree to a dog.

Allegedly, this
conversation is privileged.

I could do a Banksy
style stencil of a dog,

and spray paint it
all over a school.

That sounds great!

But first, why don't you go get
a bunch of coffee, drink all of it,

then go get some more
and bring it back here.

- I actually love that idea.
- Mm-hm.

I'll go with her.

She's wearing my pants.

I know this is crazy, but I'm gonna
check the school records to see if,

you know, we gave
a degree to a dog.

- We didn't.
- That's good.

You guys go find that
truth you love so much.

If it's the kind we can
use, bring it back.

If not, you know,
stuff gets lost.

No. No. Bad! We are
better than City College.

We always have been.

Which is why I know, that we
did not give a degree to a dog.


I say we fight fire with fire.

City College try to embarrass us?
We should embarrass them, right?

- Right. - I say I go to City
College with a camera,

shoot a really gross porno movie
on their campus and put it online.

- Fine.
- Cool.

Wait, what?

It's very inspiring
to watch you work.

You are inspiring, too.

In what way?

I need olives, can
you bring me olives?

Not again. You did
this a month ago.

Then I brought them to you, and
you acted like you hated them.

It's only my style to be secret,
please bring me five can of olives.

Five cans?

But don't believe me if I say I don't
like. I'm just pretending I hate olives.

Honestly? I couldn't care less
if they gave a dog a degree.

Me neither.

In fact, I kinda hope they did.

- Well, why is that?
- I don't know.

They all treat me
like I'm a joke.

But if a dog got a degree,
that means we're all a joke.



Natalie is Freezing?

- You know them?
- Yeah of course I know. But how do you?

- You're...
- Black?

No. Old.

Oh, I'm sorry I just meant that,
when I was into them I was like 15.

I was like 40.

I never really listened to
music, when I was growing up.

I was in my own world,

but one day at work,
I heard this sound.

It was Pillar of Garbage.

Oh, that is their best song.
Best song.

I've got it right here.

- Would you play it?
- Yeah.


♪ Moonlight ♪

♪ Bleeding glass
and healing needles ♪

♪ Amputated hearts
are never whole ♪

♪ Too bright ♪

♪ Dreaming as the screaming
seagulls ♪

♪ Feed on parts of
me I keep below ♪

♪ Oh oh Orion ♪

♪ Take off your belt and ♪

♪ Let me go to where
you've been ♪

♪ I'm flying overhead and ♪

♪ Buffalo are falling
dead inside ♪

You know, you know what?

You know, those guys are
going to need coffee

if they're going to keep that
dog from having a degree.

There are things at, at stake here.
I, I get that now.

I found the smell.

Someone filed a taco.

Things that will otherwise get
filed straight to my thighs.


so I know you agree with me
that we need to find the truth,

but do you agree that the
truth won't be horrible?

I'm not psychic Annie, that's an illusion
caused by extreme preparedness.

But, what do you hope is true?

Oh, God, no, I never hope.
Hope is pouting in advance.

Hope is faith's richer,
bitchier sister.

Hope is the deformed attic bound incest
monster offspring of entitlement and fear.

My life results tripled
the year I gave up hope

and every game on my phone that
had anything to do with farming.

What's true will be true, Annie.
Our job is to deal with that truth.

- You sound a little like Jeff.
- Jeff said I sound like Abed.

I wonder if Britta thinks
I sound like Chang.

I assume Chang thinks I sound like
distant explosions and crying babies,

- you know, he's unstable, right?
- Yep.


a transcript for Ruffles.

You think that's our guy?

I do.

Oh my God.

So many classes.

- See what hope does?
- Screw you, Frankie!

I'm sorry, Annie.

But I don't think you're
seeing this for what it is.

It's a transcript for a dog.
A really, really long one!

It's proof that Jeff was right.
This school has no value.

Yeah, but this folder
has no degree.


What's that?


You know, within
the context of Greendale.

- Would it be better if we...
- No.

- Never know until you try.
- Never know until I try.

- What?
- I said we're quite a team.

Here's the coffee.

Let me know if there's anything
else I can do to help.

We could use some fresh
eyes on this cut.

- We could? - Has anyone told you
you're difficult to work with?

Everyone in your line of work.

This is Ruffles.

She'd like you to believe she's a college
graduate and a good girl.

But Ruffles is anything, but...

When Ruffles moved into
her neighborhood in 2007,

dead squirrels went up by 17%.


Ask this bunny.

Ruffles stole cookies from a Girl Scout,
impersonated a lobster,

has had 27 children with
five different fathers,

and, according to one
local doctor, has worms.

Ruffles might claim she doesn't.

Ruffles claims a lot of things,

maybe that's why Ruffles once
spent time on death row.

Ruffles, not a lobster, not
a student, not a good dog.

Paid for by humanity
versus Ruffles.

I originally wanted the voice-over
to be a James Earl Jones impersonator,

but the James Spader impersonator
turned out pretty good.

I do wish he'd leave, though.

- You really let that dog have it.
- Yeah.

Which I, I realize,
is important now.

- Is it okay if I crash on...
- Yeah. Yes. Yes.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing at all.

I wouldn't say that. You just put
five huge cans of olives next to me.

Just something
I felt like doing.

This isn't the first
time you've done this.

I'm really confused by this.

- Is it code for something?
- I don't know.

And I don't care.

Jackpot, relative to Greendale.

My God, look at the course
load, this dog was an animal.

Most of them were
attendance based.

How is this good news?

Unpaid library fees, 15 dollars,

diploma withheld until
payment remitted.

No degree, the commercial's a lie.

I'm gonna call the station right
now and have them pull the ad.

Eat crap Ruffles,
and not just your own.

- Guys, let it go.
- What are you talking about?

The sad truth is that a dog
can get a degree here.

Yeah, but the happy
truth is none did.

There's a difference
between truth and honesty.

Library dues? Who cares!

Ruffles put the work in
relative to Greendale.

That City College ad
may be technically a lie,

but it's really dishonest
to kill it on a technicality.

And dragging this dog's
name through the mud?

That's worse than dishonest.
That's evil!

Evil? I'll cop to silly.

Somethings are silly and
evil, like candy cigarettes.

And remember when Flava
Flav had that reality show?

I don't own a TV.

Honestly, I think the most honest
thing we can do right now.

The only thing that will make
us better then City College,

is to let that ad run
and take our lumps.

Annie, this started with me sleeping
and getting yelled at for not helping.

If it ends with you yelling at me for
not sleeping, that's not a story,

that's a German art film.

Let, let it go.

I am a female student being physically
overpowered by a male teacher.

Damn it! Britta, get her.

Frankie, get her!

Annie, sweetie, think
about this practically.

If being better
than City College

means letting them destroy
us then what is the point?

If surviving means being like them,
what's the point?

Why not let one school die, and enroll
at the one where my grades matter.

If those are your terms.

If the price of that transcript
is you transferring?

We accept.

Personally, I hope
you're bluffing.

Yeah, well, here's what
hope gets you.

Hope and $1.49 will
get you a candy bar.

- Buck 79.
- Are you serious? Jesus!

Have fun with your lying,
cheating, dog smearing,

truth blurring, trouser
swapping school.

I remember when candy
bars were 50 cents.

If someone says, hey,
I just joined Mensa.

Or I consider myself a
postmodern this or that.

You could say, yeah, that and $0.50
could get you a candy bar,

or that and a quarter
could get you a phone call.

It was easy to be
unimpressed back then.

I mean it was,
literally, cheaper.

All right, we're kinda
bummed out right now.

- Annie has just left.
- Oh,

were you guys close?

- Abed, I don't wanna talk right now.
- Okay.

Just so you know, the Greendale
ad is gonna go up any time now.

- I thought you might want to see it.
- You know I don't to be a part of that.

Just trust me.

This is Ruffles.

Ruffles was a student at
Greendale Community College,

she came really close to getting a degree,
which means two things.

She's an exceptional dog,

and Greendale really needs
to get its shit together.

We're working on it.
We're working hard.

And the good news is,
when you work hard at Greendale,

no matter who or what
you are, it pays off.

Right, Ruffles?


Greendale Community College.
You're already accepted.

You guys I knew you
wouldn't do that to Ruffles.

- You hoped.
- I hoped and it worked.

- Hope points.
- Hope points.

You do understand
that what we did,

was also just the most
prudent tactical move,

getting in front of the scandal,
Letterman style.

Yes, Jeff, don't worry.

I promise I'll never mistake
you for having a heart.

- Thank you.
- Mhm-mm.

Kiss City College goodbye.

I did it.

- Did what?
- That stuff we talked about.

- Who are you?
- I'm the plumber?

- Why?
- Here's why!

- Oh.
- Oh, God.


- This is pornography?
- Doy.

- You're the only actor.
- So?

- What kind of lens is this?
- Who cares?

You might be a genius.

Why did you do this?

What parent is going to let their kid
go to a school if a porn got shot there?

But you shot in front of a plaster
wall that could be anywhere.

And you're wearing your
Greendale T-shirt.

Okay genius, but the title
is Chang does Greendale,

oh wait.


The Dean? Hellos?

Are you in trouble?
Is everything okay?

Is life hard everywhere?
Is everyone alone?

All the time. Are you at home Jeffrey?
Should I come over?

You cannot come to me.
I must confession you...

I am not Jeffrey.

I understand. I rarely
know who I am.

- No, I mean I am not Jeffrey.
- Let it out.

I am Takashi. I am
teenage boy in Tokyo.

I think we all are sometimes.

I am sorry for making fun before,
but now I need a friend.

Why don't I bring you some
olives tomorrow, Jeffrey?

- I am not Jeffrey!
- I am not the Dean!

I often think about that night.

Such a small event,
but ultimately...

the moment that would
lead me to becoming loban.

Highest the leader
of the Yakuza.