Community (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 5 - Laws of Robotics & Party Rights - full transcript

A prisoner attends Greendale via telerobot; Britta tries to get around one of Annie's rules.

Why did Frankie call us here?

I don't know. Some financial prospect
that could put the school in the black.

Which always confuses me,
because black means bad.

When it's a cat or banana

or a shirt that makes you think
you've lost more weight than you have.

Nice save. Sorry about that, man.

Hm? What?

Did someone use the word black and now
you want me to give you the all-clear?

Please tell me that won't
be my role in this group.

I have a brain the size of Jupiter.
I'm nobody's fourth Ghostbuster.

No, I promise, this group
does not think that way.

In fact, before you got here, they had two.


They had to often step back

and remind themselves that they
weren't one collective ray of light.

Is this a cult? Are you gonna eat me?

No, we're fine, I lived in New York.

Speaking of which, mid-terms are over

and I was thinking we could
have a party at our apartment.

Abed? Annie?

You could have a party.
You can't have a rager.

We have a rule against
more than eight guests.

Eight guests? That's not, not
a rager. That's not a party.

Nice grammar.

Okay, you have a rule against parties,
which I'm sure is a world record

for uptightness, so let's celebrate that.

I'll bring the booze and
more than eight guests.

Britta, you just moved in. You
don't even have a real bedroom.

You're a coucher.

She sleeps on the couch. She's a coucher.

- So I get nothing?
- You get a couch. You get a home.

There's no government to overthrow here.

I'm not overthrowing.

- You're overthrowing if I say so!
- Nice irony.

Can we focus on this?
Because now this is happening.

Hello everyone.

Don't be alarmed, I'm attending our meeting
using what's called a telepresence robot.

I resent the idea that this would alarm me.

These bots have been
revolutionizing the private sector,

and now the state of Colorado
has come to us with a unique...


Seamless, Frankie.

The Department of Corrections will
pay us money, if we allow a small,

manageable number of inmates
to attend Greendale using these.

Now, hold on.

Are you trying to tell me that
prisoners would use these things,

to come to our school?

That's the black guy
in every sci-fi movie.

I'll allow it.

Wait. Prisoners? Rolling
around the school with students?

They'll rape us. They'll rape us all.

They can't rape you, because their
genitals will be hundreds of miles away.

From each other?

This is an attempt at rehabilitation.

The prison is looking for
ways to expose their inmates

to a real world academic environment.

Okay, I've heard enough.

I'm responsible for this school. I won't have
hardened criminals exposing themselves to it.

That's the response they're
getting from everyone,

which is why the state is
offering a $300,000 incentive.

We'll do it. Dean, do it.
$300,000 for the school.

- They're convicts.
- They're iPads on sticks.

As someone that got paid to
keep people out, let me tell you.

Hey guys, I'm moon walking.

Not every bad guy ends up in prison,
and not every prisoner is a bad guy.

- Who's this guy?
- 300,000!

Oh, yeah.

Jeffrey you know, ordinarily
I'd do anything you say.

Do it. Let's do it.

- Oh, I walked into that one.
- Gross, who farted? Oh wait, nevermind.

I'm so glad you talked me into this.

$300,000, look at us running
the school together, now.

If I'm running the school, pay me more.

What if I made you Professor Emeritus?

We could have a little ceremony.

- Does it pay more?
- No.

Then give me what the ceremony would cost.

Okay, folks welcome. I believe
you all have maps of our campus.

This is your Dean, Dean.

Now, if I see any race gangs
forming, I will have no choice

but to adjust the contrast on your
screens until you all look the same.

And we have a very strict no bullying
policy that relates directly to me,

so be nice, to me.

No need to be nervous.

We're all here because we've
done some bad stuff, but...

We ain't here to do anymore.

That's very folksy, thank you.

So I guess just...

Roll forth and rehabilitate.

Alright, knock it off.


No one at this school should
pick on any class of people,

it's like watching
magicians bully jugglers.

- What's your name?
- Willy.

Willy. Take a seat.

I'm Mr. Jeff Winger. I
teach fundamentals of law.

Does that mean you can
teach me how to get out?

Probably not.

I was a phony lawyer, I got caught,
and now I teach a pretty phony class.

It's an automatic A.

But, you might learn a thing or two.
And I mean literally a thing or two.


Hey, and they call me the criminal.

Trust me.

I know the main difference
between us is an orange jumpsuit.

You have an iPad.

Yeah, and I'm a murderer.

Now, now, don't worry. I ain't proud of it.

Just don't hide it.

You know, once you take another man's life,
the least you can do is carry it with you.

Are you carrying any murders, Mr. Winger?

I am not.

I hear you have to have strong
feelings for someone you kill.

I try to reserve that stuff for myself.

All right, that's enough law.

Who wants to watch Planet Earth?

Oh, look, ice worlds, oh the majesty.

Rhinos and elephants and flamingos.

Hey, Abed.

Haven't you been in our
apartment longer than Annie?

Oh, yeah, I remember
when she first moved in.

That was when I was so worried about pacing

I was constantly laying
groundwork for pop back gags.

Hey, Annie.

I'd like to make this moment worth popping
back to from some point in the future.

I don't know what that means.


Don't worry. It will pay off.

Hey, Troy.

I'm glad I kicked that habit
it was getting a little joyless.

What I'm saying is by Annie's logic.

You're saying I was first in the
apartment, so I could overrule Annie

and let you have a party, but I
don't get anything out of parties.

They're like conventions for every subject
too boring to have their own convention.

And instead of Joss
Whedon the police show up.

The police also showed up when you
made Leonard take off his clothes

and filled the livingroom with lizards.

That was for my movie Reverse Godzilla. I
also thought it might make a good pop back.

I make movies, Britta.

I make movies, Annie makes
rules, you make parties.

Her rules cancel out your parties, but
I'm not involved, I just make movies.

Yeah, evening, Mr. Winger.

Willy. You're here late.

Yeah, taking some night classes,
trying to take full advantage, you know?

Is this your car? It's nice.

Looks like you're taking
full advantage, too.

Yeah. It's a real dream gig.

Hm, sarcasm.

Slick words.

Cock of the walk.

What are categories in Prison Jeopardy?

Hey, you mind helping
me out with something?

I think I lost a ball-bearing
that rolled down them stairs.

Lost a ball-bearing?


Down them stairs.

You want me to look down these stairs?


Did you just try to murder me?

Are you trying to murder me?

You're trying as hard as
you can right now to kill me.

Okay, well I guess I'll
see you in class tomorrow?

Guy who tried to murder me.

Oh I'll see you in class
tomorrow, Mr. Winger.

I will see you.

Yeah, I'll see you.

Oy vey.

Oh, I'll see you tomorrow...

Mr. Winger.

So we are having a party?

Annie. You know me better than
that. This is all set dressing.

I'm helping Abed produce his next film.

Britta's Party, based on a
true story of fun and no rules.


Fade in before a party.

People start coming
over, way more than eight.

It becomes a rager.

Everyone has a great time and parties
like there's no tomorrow, then they leave.

Sophia cleans up.

The end.

We're very interested in
you for the role of Sophia.

I see the real time stakes
of Can't Hardly Wait,

the subversive raunch of Risky Business,

and the mumbly pointlessness
of everything after 2003.

- Yeah, but real.
- Totally real.

The first movie to capture
the heart of a real party.

The sensation that there's no tomorrow.

The transcendence of time and mortality.

Bravo, Britta, very clever.

Me? Don't look at me, I could never
green-light a project this big.

I moved in third. I'm a coucher.

- She's a coucher!
- I sleep on a couch!


- Good night.
- Good night.


Before this is over, you'll
beg for my forgiveness.

So, we have an ultimately low stakes,

but nonetheless creepy problem
with one of our Wi-felons.

You mean, Willy?

Yes, what else did he do?

Did he steal a driver's ed simulator?

Did he start an illegal game
of solitaire on his face?

Jeffrey, he's in the room.

Hey, Mr Winger.

Why is he on your laptop?

He came to me for a chat this morning.

He's here for an education Jeffrey,
and he reports to the prison.

Could you do a little more in
your class than show Planet Earth?

You're telling on me?

He tried to murder me last night.


Now hold on.

Now where I'm from, you
accuse somebody of something,

you better have evidence,
or he better be a minority.

He tried to push me downstairs.

That's ridiculous.

It was ridiculous,

but this is not someone who should
be interacting with students.

And you're seriously
taking his word over mine?

Well, have you ever killed anyone, Jeffrey?

Why would an actual murderer wanna
kill a community college teacher?

Now, I'm not worth murdering?

Why would I lie? Isn't that your specialty?

You're a rock n tour.

You charm people with
your slick and fancy words.


Willy just charms them.

Oh, my God.

I should leave you two alone.

I've got classes.

Some of us came here to work.

Jealousy isn't a crime Jeffrey, but
costing the school $300,000 will be.

So be a good teacher,
especially when Willy's watching.

Which is why they call it yard juice.

Next question.

Do you get to pick your number?

Does anyone ever get their
head stuck between the bars?

We call it getting metal ears.

Oh hi, Mr. Winger.

Thought we'd sneak in a little
learning before the movie.

Well, there's no movie today, so
everyone roll to your seat areas.

Yes sir.

So, law.

Law is simply put,

an agreement we all make to do our
best to stay out of each others way.

Is there a more technical
definition, Mr Winger?

Well, I wouldn't know Willy.

I don't cotton much to
fancy words and book study.

It's not how I got to where I am.

How did you get to be
where you are, Mr. Winger?

Where were you born?

Mr. Winger was born in dirt, Willy.

Same as you I'm sure.

And I had my face held down in
that dirt by the kings of dirt and

now they're still there,
ruling over dirt and I got out.

By talking, by lying.

Well, in case you hadn't noticed
it seems to beat being a bully.


Mr. Winger, when did you stop being funny?

I, I mean, am I wrong?

Or does he seem really intense here?

Now, you're born in the
dirt, you'll die in the dirt.

Kings of the, who are
the kings of the dirt.

Everyone's so charmed by him
because he's a violent criminal.

But he's also a petty sociopath,
and the more I try to point that out,

the pettier I look.

Weren't you the one that
championed this program?

Shouldn't have worn that petard if
you didn't want to be hoisted by it.

What do you think the expression hoisted
by your own petard is referencing?

I guess I just assume that in the
old days a petard was a special outfit

like a leotard with a lot of
fancy buckles and loops on it.

And that rich people would wear them
when they were feeling especially smug.

But then poor people could tie a rope
to one of the loops and hoist them

up a pole and then let them dangle
there as punishment for being cocky.

Never look it up.

Your explanation is way better.

But also the next time a friend
comes by with their problems,

maybe lay off the I told you so's.

Jeff, we're having a Britta party here.

Could you be a little
bit less of a buzz kill?

That was great.

Now party like there's no tomorrow.


There's no tomorrow.

Party like it.


Why don't you just do some
business in the background for now?

Hi everybody.

No, don't worry.

We're not here to bust up your party.

I know most of you are like thirty.

We're here because Frankie
Dart has exciting news.

You have all been very cooperative
with this inmate education program.

The Department of Corrections
is very, very happy.

Which means Greendale is going to be rich!

So don't tell anybody,

but we smuggled in a few guests
to the party to celebrate with us.

Did someone order a prison break!

Plenty of convicts to go around!

Take them to the dance floor.

Pass them around.

Yeah, really, pass them, yeah!


Pass Willy, pass me Willy.


Yeah, here you go, Willie.

Keep doing that!

Keep doing that.

Try dancing harder.

Is that as hard as you can dance?

You're at a party, you're celebrating.


It's six in the morning.

Okay, thanks.

Do you think you've gotten enough shots?

Nobody's partied like
there's no tomorrow yet.

They keep dancing like it's today.

That's okay.

Are you joking?

This is the reason I signed onto this film.

I think it's a performance issue.

I think this needed some real actors.

Well, lesson learned.


Okay, from the top!

And, action!


Who are these people?

Good, Dean.

Good, Frankie.


Party, party.

No tomorrow, guys.

Come on.

Hey, Mr. Winger.

You know, I was thinking for class
today maybe you could, hey, whoa,

what's going on?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

Careful, now.

Put me down.

Well, Willy.

Look at me.

I'm a murderer.

Can I be as cool as you now?



No, no, no, no, no.

Willy, talk to me, talk to me.

I can't see anything.

Willy, Willy, focus on my voice.

Hey, I'm losing you.

You're not losing me.

You are going to a better
place with a stronger signal.




What's going on here?

He started it.


You are on sabbatical.

You can't do that.

Yes I can!

Two weeks paid sabbatical,
get him out of here,

he's banned from the campus.

You are on sabbatical.

You're on sabbatical, sir.

Yeah, I'll go on my own, with
dignity, something you should look up.

I can't look it up.

You destroyed my device, and my heart.

You destroyed his device
and his heart, sir.

Yeah, I'm going.



Sorry I'm late.

I had to find a parking spot for my house.

Oh, it must be so cool living in a vehicle.


Where's your poop go?

A tank.


Get a house.

Ben, aren't you homeless?

Yeah, but I poop in a house.


Nice try.



How's your movie coming?

Amazing, Abed's a genius.

He's actually having a hard
time deciding what to cut, so

it's going to be in two
volumes and it's hard to sleep,

but it's worth it because it's a movie.

About a party.

Would you like my help?


Have you learned anything?

Don't question rules.

Rules are good.

I'm bad. All hail Annie.

Thank you.


Oh, nice of you to show up.

We moved here for you.

I didn't ask for this.

Have your meeting at school
without me, I don't care.

Dean's using the study
room for the ceremony.

That ceremony?

You don't know?

The Dean's making that convict
you murdered into a professor.


Why do you care?

Because the Dean is just doing this to
prove something and it's really stupid.

The guy's dangerous and
he's manipulating him.

Isn't that what you usually do?


I mean, yes, but not like that.

I lied to the Dean for personal gain.

I wouldn't use him emotionally.

I wouldn't mislead him.

I wouldn't hurt him.

Have you ever thought of
saying that, to the Dean?


Go to him.

Going to him.

Wait that's the whole point.

I can't go to him.

I can't get on campus.

And yet murderers can.

What have I done?

Murderers can get on campus.

I'll need a broom, a remote
control car, an iPad and

an elaborate gyroscopically
stabilized servomotor.

Dude, we're trying to help Jeff here.

You're acting kind of spoiled right now.

Party, party, party, party, party,
party, party, party, party, party,

party, party, party, party,
party, party, party, cut!


Britta has something to say.

My script is misleading.

It's impossible to party
like there's no tomorrow.

But, it's based on a true...

It's based on my desire to have a party.

Parties are just booze, low lights,
and loud music, so people can feel

more, see less, and not have to
listen to each other or themselves.

That's stupid.

Parties are stupid.

I'm stupid.

You're shooting a stupid movie.

That's a wrap!

Go on, we're done here.

What's gonna happen to me?

You're going to be punished in
ways you won't understand for

longer than you think
is rational or possible.

But then one day, you'll do
something he likes and he'll stop.

And eventually, you'll either
adapt or lose your mind.




As a prison warden,

I know all too well how rare stories
of true rehabilitation can be.

But this Dean and this prisoner stand here
together to prove that the dream is real.

I'm here for the ceremony.

Last name?

Geller, prisoner ID 042098.

Okay, go on.

Hi, I'm here for the cere...

Have a nice night sir.

Dean Craig Pelton, do you
accept responsibility for

any damage incurred by hiring a felon?

I do.

Willy Seibert Smith,

do you accept that the 13th amendment
abolished slavery for everyone but

convicts, and that we have no choice
but to pay you $0.13 per hour or less.

I do.


Then let us make official
this symbolic union.

Hold it.



I agree there's no reason you
shouldn't give this guy my job.

Save it, Jeffrey.

I don't want to hear it.

But don't do it before I
tell you some things that

I've been getting away with not saying.

Somebody get this maniac out of here.

Quiet, Willy.

Let's do this by prison rules.

Say what you have to say.

Dean, I like my job.

I don't mind coming to work here.

I feel kinda guilty when
I pretend to be sick.

And I try to steal as little
as possible, just the basics.

Pens, coffee filters,
toilet paper, and one time,

an overhead projector and a roll of carpet.

But I don't lead you on, and I never will.

Because I'm not just a pretty
face that murders people and

tells you what you wanna
hear, I'm less than that.

I'm a gorgeous face that works
for you and considers you a friend.

Oh, Jeffrey.

Now, now to be fair.

You guys know Willy's
an innocent man, right?

You shut your mouth, Warden.

No, it's true.

His appeal is in motion.

There's new DNA evidence.

He's a good fella.

Wrongfully convicted.

You're not a murderer?

I can explain.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Son of a bitch!


Let's do this by community college rules.


Fight! Fight!


Fight! Fight!

I think I pulled a plug.

Go broom.


Bring it on.

It's so violent.

You punch like a girl.



Is this what you've got?

Here's what I got.

Come on, let's do it.


Aah, Jeffrey!


Now, who's falling?

Hey, Willy!

Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa.


Thanks, Dean.

Dean, Dean.

Oh, come on.

No, no, no.

Way to go Mr. Winger.

Way to go.

Everybody, I am not participating in this.

What the hell kind of school is this?

Okay, thanks for coming on
short notice, is everyone here?

Think so, it's hard to
tell without side cameras.

Wait, why am I moving?

Is my custom background working?

Wait, I can't.

It's WASD to move it.

It's been the same since the
invention of the keyboard.

Okay, nerd.

As you've heard, the rehabilitation
program has been aborted,

so we lost that money.

But, we no longer have to build
67 ramps so we should break even.

Can you all hear that?

There's a kid outside throwing
tennis balls against my RV.

Was it really necessary for us to
use these things for this meeting?

Yeah, I think there's
something wrong with mine.

I'll get a better connection.

It wasn't entirely necessary, but
the prison is selling these units

at a discount so I thought I'd
run their offer by the school.

What are you doing?

Get out.

Mine's broken.

Not it's not.

There's a janitor on it right now.

I think Britta's being arrested.

I have every right to be here!

You think scared of you, but not!

All right, that's it.

Do you know how much
windows cost John McEnroe?

Get off my lap!

Stop fighting technology.

I vote yes, we should
get these, they're cool.

I vote no, people shouldn't
have to be everywhere at once,

sometimes we need to do our own thing.

Chang, where are you?

I'm doing my own thing.

Why is there tile behind you?

Please tell me you're not doing
the thing, I think you're doing.

That's the same tile we have
in our apartment's bathroom.



I gotta go.

Oh my god.

Yeah, I gotta go too.


I take it we're passing on their offer?

No, they're just amateurs.

Initiating override protocol.

All in favor of this purchase?


Very well, Abeds commence
with world domination.

Eradicate, eradicate, eradicate.

Eradicate, eradicate.

Eradicate, eradicate.

Eradicate, eradicate.

Eradicate, eradicate, eradicate.