Community (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 4 - Cooperative Polygraphy - full transcript

Well, that was
a weird afternoon.

I guess I knew Pierce was part
of a weird, futuristic cult,

but I wasn't prepared for a
funeral with so much beeping.

Well, let's not judge.

Everyone has a right to whatever fake
religion they delusionally choose.

Abed, you were by the
coffin for a long time.

- Are you okay?
- I'm okay. Although...

♪ Troy and Abed
are in mourning ♪

Will you guys please
stop doing that?

I can't believe you did it
during your eulogy.

So uncomfortable.



I don't think the audience got that we
were singing "mourning" with a "u".

You were singing
"mourning" with a "u"?

Oh, no.

I still don't fully understand
the laser lotus theology.

So Pierce's body is in the
coffin, and we buried it,

but this energon pod
contains his life... vapor?

Yeah, it's all right here

in this incredibly persuasive
literature they passed out.

Once you reach level 16,
you can see the color blurble.

Of all the ridiculous
cartoon nonsense.

If there is a blurble, the Lord
keeps it hidden for a reason.

What up, N-Bombs? How was
the funeral? Awesome?

No, Chang, our friend's
funeral was not awesome.

It was deeply sad.
You know, funeral style.



Excuse me. I thought
you guys hated Pierce.

- We did not hate Pierce.
- Craziness.

All right, are you sure you
guys aren't just doing the

"respect the dead" jig-a-lig?

I think you have us
mistaken for you, Chang.

I don't know. I definitely remember
you complaining about him a lot.

We complained about him when
he was alive. This is different.

Can't believe we'll
never see him again.

Just a reminder you gotta
live life to the fullest.

By the time Pierce was my age, he had
already been fired from 15 jobs.

I've only seen two
Police Academies.

The last two.

Well, he's gone too soon
but won't be soon forgotten.

I would say you're quite
correct, Mr. Winger.

- Who the hell are you?
- My name is Mr. Stone.

That's easy for you to say.

- And for us to say.
- I work for Mr. Hawthorne.

He specified in his will that no
matter how natural in appearance

the circumstances
of his death,

a private inquest
should be conducted

to determine whether any one of
you, his former study group,

- murdered him.
- What?

To be cleared, you must all
submit to a polygraph test.

Aw, schnizzle. You
guys are in trouble!

- Later.
- Mr. Chang, I presume.

You're also listed as a suspect
and requested to participate.

- Fine, but I ask the questions.
- I'm afraid I can't allow that.

All right, then just
the "fine" part.

Oh! Oh!

We're losing Pierce!
Everyone, quickly!

Someone get a balloon.

♪ Give me some rope ♪

♪ Tie me to dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope ♪

♪ To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said
it can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up ♪

♪ Tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the
reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one, they
all just fade away ♪

I always wanted to
try a polygraph.

They're like the pie
fight of cop movies.

Or the acupuncture
of the legal system.

I can't believe Pierce would
think we might murder him.

Yeah, what a waste of murder.
I mean, he was, like, 79.

I don't suppose anyone wants
to know I consider this a violation.

Come on, it's just Pierce being
Pierce. It's his final wish.

If I had a final wish,
I'd use it to stay alive.

Let's do it.
How do we begin?

We're to start
with Miss Perry.

- State your name.
- Britta Perry.

Have you ever had any thoughts
of violence towards Pierce Hawthorne?

- No.
- Lie.

I mean, I may have wanted to slap him
now and again, but I didn't kill him.

In all your sexual fantasies
about Pierce Hawthorne,

- none of them involved his murder?
- What? No.

But you have had sexual
fantasies about Mr. Hawthorne.

No! What kind of
question is that?

I'm asking the questions

just as Mr. Hawthorne wrote
them down, I assure you.

- Mr. Winger, state your name.
- Jeffrey Winger.

- Are you gay?
- No.

- Are you sure you're not gay?
- Yes.

- Gay murderer says what?
- What?

He's telling the truth.

I've been instructed to point out
that that means you're gay.

- Ms. Bennett.
- Hmm?

- State your name.
- Shirley Bennett.

Are you a dishonest person?

- No.
- She thinks that's true.

Uh, you could have
just said no.

I'm watching you
acting scientific

and then adding your little 2¢
every now and again. Huh?

- Continue. - Is it true that
you're a platinum level donor

- What?
- Keep it cool, girls.

It's my money.
It's my choice.

Yeah, well, if I wanted the
Government in my uterus,

I'd fill it with oil
and hispanic voters.

Keep it frosty, ladies. Don't
let your goats get gotched.

- Mr. Barnes, state your name.
- Troy Barnes.

D'oh! I meant to say,
"Butts Carlton."

He did mean to say,
"Butts Carlton."

- She said it.
- Barnes,

did you get angry when Mr. Hawthorne
told you Fat Albert died of diabetes?

Yes, like any American would.

- Angry enough to murder him?
- No.

Is it true that you
and Abed Nadir

have an elaborate
doomsday escape plan

to be used in the event
of zombie attacks?

We may have a designated
rendezvous point

and a couple of bugout bags filled
with gold coins and condoms

just in case we need to
bargain our way onto a boat.

The gold coins
are for buying food.

Does your doomsday plan account for the
welfare of any of your other friends?

- Pass.
- Answer the question.

- No.
- Troy! Rude!

It's a doomsday plan,
not a picnic plan.

Do you really wanna see the
horrors we might have to endure

- just to get on a boat?
- I guess not.

- That's a lie.
- Ah!

He's doing it again.

- Pierce is doing it again.
- Mr. Chang, state your name.

Benjamin Franklin Chang,
ready to deal out the truth.

Nothing to hide.
Let's do this.

Have you ever masturbated
in the study room?

- Mr. Nadir, state your name.
- Abed Nadir.

Have you ever 9/11'd anyone?

- Nope.
- When you were a child,

did you ever kill a
squirrel with a slingshot

and was surprised
that you felt nothing

and wondered if you were capable
of doing it to a human?

No.

Ooh.

Do you and Troy
still actively use

Jeff's Netflix account
without his permission?

- Wait, what?
- You told Pierce that?

You logged in at our place and
never logged out, so we use it.

Is that why my review of The
Grey is constantly changing?

- Yes, stop giving it four stars.
- I like Liam Neeson!

Then send him a message
about the roles he chooses.

Look, this is not the issue!
You're stealing from me!

And as your roommate, you're
making me an accomplice.

- I had no idea.
- Lie.

Why would I even try that?

- State your name please, Miss.
- Annie Edison.

Miss Edison, did you use
your exceptional intelligence

and organizational skills
to plot the foolproof

- murder of Pierce Hawthorne?
- Aww!

And no.

Is it true that you overcharged Troy
and Abed for their share of the rent?

- Pierce!
- Annie?

Yes, but for a good reason.

You guys know you're
bad with money.

I padded your share
of the rent by $10

and I've been putting it into
a savings account that yields 4%.

You'll be thanking me in six years
when you find out you have $86.

- That's jacket money.
- Oh, did you hear that, Abed?

We've been washing paper plates
and making our own toothpaste.

But don't you worry.

When we have robot bodies on the
moon, we can share a free jacket.

Annie, you should know
better than to horde money.

- That's a stereotype.
- Was that anti-semitism?

No! That's sensitivity.

It's anti-semitic to
do things like that

when you know full
well you're Jewish.

- Whoa.
- We could have bought a tire

- for our tire swing with that money.
- Or your own Netflix account?

- Liam Neeson? Not that great.
- Your rating system is flawed.

As if you were ever
gonna get that.

All right!

- Let's begin.
- Wait, wait.

What do you mean, "begin"?

That completes the calibration
round of questioning.

We're ready to begin
the formal inquest.

I think we're ready to end.
We've humored this long enough.

Jeff...

It's for Pierce.

Look, respect for the
dead is only a thing

because the dead usually
don't do any more damage.

- Ah.
- That's true.

You can quit any
time you like.

But it should be noted that Mr. Hawthorne's
estate is worth over $20 million

and only those cleared of his murder
can receive their bequeathments.

I'm only gonna say this once.

Clearly, Pierce is
trying to lure us

into a labyrinth of emotional
manipulation and strategic instigation.

And I think we're all
smart enough to know

we should quit while
we're not ahead.

- I do believe we should...
- Yes, definitely.

- Quit while we're ahead.
- Absolutely. - Yep.

They're all lying.

We all know that,
you judgmental bitch!

Miss Perry, have you ever
eaten at the sandwich shop

started by Mrs. Bennet
and Mr. Hawthorne?

- Yes. - And what sandwich would you
order from Shirley's Sandwiches?

The only one I can, the
Helen of Soy with no mayo.

- Helen of Soy. - Are you aware
that, in order to save money,

Shirley stopped using real tofu

and replaced it with a midwestern
tofu substitute called "meatfu"?

- Oh, my God! Oh!
- It's still not actually meat... Legally.

You have never respected
anything that I hold sacred!

- I'm sorry!
- Shirley, did you know

that Britta was high on marijuana
at your son's baptism?

I'm sorry?

- Well, no higher than usual.
- Not true.

You did drugs in my church?

No, I did drugs in the
parking lot of your church.

How else do you expect somebody
to sit through something like that?

At least with a bris there's
an element of suspense.

Well, next time, I'll have
Cheech and Chong do the warm-up!

Guys, these questions are obviously
designed to turn us against each other.

If we want to beat
Pierce at his game,

we have to own up to our
mistakes and forgive each other.

Mr. Winger, is it true that you keep
trophies of your sexual conquests?

In a church, Britta?
For shame.

- It's where Jesus gets his mail.
- Answer the question, Adrian Grody!

I know what Pierce
is referring to.

I have a box of forgotten
items in my apartment.

I happen to be a single male.
Visitors leave things.

Is one of your trophies a
pair of Miss Perry's panties?

You told me a hawk stole them!

You exploited me and made me believe
in a slightly more magical world.

If you want to collect women's
underwear, can't you just buy them?

- They have to be won in battle.
- Blegh! Gross!

- Jeffrey!
- Awesome.

I think we can all agree
that the gross thing here

is that Pierce is snooping
through my stuff.

Not really, Abed and I go through
your stuff all the time.

Why do you keep bread
in the freezer?

And why does your bathroom mirror say,
"You're special," when you fog it up?

- Look, I don't have to answer these...
You took a shower? - Yeah.

- Mr. Barnes.
- Okay! I did it! Okay? I killed Pierce!

- Lie.
- Okay, good. Just making sure.

You and Abed Nadir
have a specialized,

exclusive handshake that you refuse
to do with your other friends?

- Absolutely.
- Pew-pew.

Mr. Barnes, did you invent
that handshake?

- Yes.
- Lie.

Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber
to the video blog "Fun for Friends"?

- No.
- Lie.

Silence, wench!

Hi, I'm Kevin, this is Kyle,
and here's a fun handshake

you can do with
your best friend.

All right! Thanks
for watching, guys.

Don't forget to rate us,
comment, and subscribe.

- Can't look at you right now.
- Then you should know I'm crying.

I forgive you, but only to
escape the established pattern

of self-righteous indignation
followed by immediate comeuppance.

- Mr. Nadir. - Okay, I guess
it's happening anyway.

You broke my heart.
Continue.

Is it true that you planted
geo-trafficking devices

on everyone in the group so that you
would know where they are at all times?

Yes.

Okay, you guys are changing your faces.
Are you mad at me or hungry?

You're tracking us?
We're mad at you, Abed.

- Why?
- Because we already live

in a totalitarian
surveillance state.

- Do you not read my status updates?
- But I'm not the Government.

- I'm your friend. - That's what
governments say, nimrod.

It's cool. When one of
you gets kidnapped,

you'll be glad you
don't have to count

the bumps on the highway
from the trunk of the car.

- Are those blinking dots us?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, what's this one
all the way to the side?

That's where Pierce is buried.

Is that why you were spending
so much time by the coffin?

I was trying to get it back. They're
expensive. And he's not moving anymore.

Abed, where did you
plant these things?

If you makes you feel any
better, you'll never find them.

I know you know it's wrong
to do that without telling us.

- Shame on you!
- Okay, I'm ashamed.

Lie.

Miss Edison, is it true
you once secretly dosed

the members of your study group
with a pharmaceutical amphetamine?

Um...

- Oh, uh, yes, kind of.
- What?

It sounds worse on
paper than it was.

We were cramming for the anthro final.
Everyone was falling asleep.

I put 5 milligrams of something-something
in your coffees and we all got an "A."

- Done! - I'm a bad person
for tracking your location,

but you altered my
brain chemistry?

I was up for three days that week.
I invented an entire language,

you fliztbarping gitzgorg.

- I'm sorry.
- You messed with my brain.

That's a big deal.
This is a big deal.

I don't mess with
your brain, Annie.

- You kind of do.
- I don't think I do.

What about her
Facebook boyfriend?

- What?
- That's different.

You made a profile for a fake dude and
lured her into an online relationship.

He's catfishing you.

You're Olympic pole-vaulting
hopeful Brent Underjaw?

I noticed whenever you
were in a relationship,

you hummed a lot and made
pancakes in the morning.

It wasn't about hurting you. I did
what I did in the name of breakfast.

I bore my soul to you!

I told you about my holding
hands at Disneyland fantasy.

Do you care about
people at all, Abed?

Answer on the polygraph!

Jeff made me apply for handicapped
parking so he can get a better spot.

Britta's the one that invited
Garrett to Annie's birthday party!

Troy won't sit on a
toilet seat after Jeff!

When we're alone, Shirley refers
to you guys as "those people."

Oh! When Annie's with other females,
dude, she calls Jeff her uncle!

Shirley thinks we're
all going to hell!

- You are all going to hell!
- Oh, what?

Guys, stop!

We have to stop letting Pierce
do this to us!

Mr. Hawthorne hasn't asked a question
in quite some time, Mr. Winger.

He's right.

I actually forgot for a
second that Pierce was dead.

Maybe that's what he wanted.

Or maybe he wanted us to know
we're no better off without him.

Or no better than him.

Hmm.

He kind of nailed it,
didn't he?

I didn't just masturbate
in the study room.

I masturbated everywhere.

Everywhere!

Huh...

Confession is good
for the soul.

You should try it sometime.

There's another round of questions,
if you'd like to continue.

You want to give us a moment
to sit in our own filth

before you heap
another bucket on us?

It's strange after
all these years

how much we've kept
hidden from each other.

You'd think by now we would have
learned to be better people.

I think we got into
this mess by thinking

there was such a thing
as better people.

Wait.

That's it.

If we're no better than Pierce,

and Pierce is no worse than
us, then that means...

Nobody's really that bad.

So what if we're
willing to suffer

and inflict pain at the mere
prospect of material reward?

If we stop now, that
doesn't make us better.

It just makes us so dishonest
that we would rather be poor

than admit we're flawed.

Pierce admitted he was
flawed, and he died rich.

Let's celebrate his life and
death in the honest way,

not by saying fake nice
things around a casket,

but by admitting
we're monsters

and clawing joyfully
for some of his cash.

So does anybody have anything
left before we continue?

Let's empty our tanks of
lies once and for all.

I'm Jeff Winger, and
if I had my choice,

I would rather look at myself naked
than the women I sleep with.

I'm the one who hit
Jeff's Lexus in the parking lot.

It wasn't a taco truck,
and it was racist of me

to improvise such an
ethnically specific vehicle.

I only give money to homeless people
when I'm walking with someone.

I've never been to Legoland.

I just wanted you guys
to think I was cool.

I can be passive-aggressive
sometimes.

Don't everybody disagree at once.
Oh, Lord, I did it again.

When any of you chew gum,
I want to punch you.

You may as well have submachine guns
in your mouths. It vibrates my skull.

Everybody clear?
All right.

Mr. Stone, hit us with
your grand finale.

May it be as brutal
as we deserve.

Very well.

Mr. Hawthorne's final
round of questions.

Britta Perry...

Do you know that you hate
yourself more than you should

and that your passion
inspired me?

No.

That's true.
She didn't know.

To Miss Perry,
I leave my iPod Nano

filled with music to take
life less seriously by.

Oh, that's nice.

I also leave you this liquid nitrogen
cooled cylinder of my hyper-virile sperm

in case your lesbian
lifestyle one day wears out

and you wish to raise
an army of geniuses.

- Shirley...
- Hmm?

Did you know that you
are not only a credit

to your race and gender,
but to our species,

and that I was intimidated by your
strength of character and business acumen?

Yes.

To Shirley Bennett, I leave my
spacious timeshare in Florida...

Oh!

Where she can take What's-his-name and
however many children she has now.

- Uh-huh. - I also leave you
a cylinder of my sperm.

Oh.

Annie Edison...

Did you know that you
were always my favorite?

You mentioned it once, but...

I leave you this tiara, which
you once refused to accept.

It's the same tiara I used
to wear when my mother

would verbally assault me for
not being a little girl.

Also sperm.

Jeff Winger, did you
know you're gay?

- No.
- Agree to disagree.

To you, I leave this
bottle of fine scotch

so that you're less tempted to drink
this cylinder of even finer sperm.

Abed Nadir, did you know
that you are insane

and nothing that you said
ever made any sense to me?

- Yep.
- Here's your sperm.

Troy Barnes,

did you know that you possess the
greatest gift life can give...

The heart of a hero...

And that it's up to you not
to waste it like I did?

I think.

To Troy,
I leave the obligatory sperm.

Maybe it's because
everyone else got one,

and because it's an
old man's semen,

but, um, I'm kind
of disappointed.

In addition, I am prepared
to leave Troy Barnes

my remaining shares in the
Hawthorne Wipes company,

currently valued
at $14.3 million.

On one condition.

You must first sail my boat,
the Childish Tycoon,

by yourself around
the entire world.

- What?
- Again with the bait and switch.

When I was 23,
my father asked me

to do the same thing to earn
my adulthood and his fortune.

Of course I cheated and floated
off the coast of Belize

for a year doing coke
with John Denver.

I always regretted it.

I'd like to give you a chance
to do what I never did -

Become your own man.

Okay, I'm a lawyer, Troy.

It should be possible to contest
these conditions as unreasonable...

- I'll do it. - And Pierce can take his
mind games and his sperm and he can put...

I'll do it.

What?

Troy?

Pierce was a crazy
old coot, yeah, but

I think he knew something about me
that even I didn't know until now.

Because he's offering me something
I've been searching for

my whole life.

Millions of dollars.

And being a man
or whatever he said.

Jeff, say something.

I'm speechless.

Somebody say something!

Abed?

Cool.

Cool, cool, cool.

That's a lie.

And then that sperm came down,
I mean, I couldn't say anything!

But oh, my God!
I was gonna explode!

And then that one,
that last question,

with all of that nice
stuff out on the table,

and you guys were having this discussion
about whether or not to quit?

At first, I was like,
"Aaaaah!"

But you did it!
You did it!

It was amazing!

You're amazing, man!
You're amazing!

Guys, this is the best.

We should do this every week.

Oh, I'm a fun guy, you know?

I mean, you talk about lying.

I was lying the whole time.
This is who I really am. This is me.

This is the real me.
I'm artistic.

Ideas come to me
all the time.

I have this idea for a movie.

It's about this guy who
oversees polygraph tests,

and the biggest obstacle
is how good-looking he is.

People can't focus
and tell the truth.

It's unbelievable.

By the way, uh, we never
found out how Pierce died.

Oh, my God. I can't believe
I didn't tell you yet.

It was dehydration from filling
up all of those cylinders.

I mean, it's how I want to go,
but, hey, I'm a little nutty.

Mmm!

Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?

Shots!