Community (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 3 - Basic Intergluteal Numismatics - full transcript

The college is imbued with panic when an unidentified person returns to dropping coins down people's butts and Annie takes it upon herself to find out who is behind it all.

Please stay for complimentary saltines
and full-price sodas.

But first, the dulcet tones
of The Bennett Boys.

When you were here before

Couldn't look you in the eye

Hey, bro, free crackers. Wanna
spend your life opening lockers?

You don't have to raise your voice!
I'm going as fast as I can!

Oh, great, now I have
these folders to deal with!

Et tu, pencil?

When it rains, it pours.

Ass Crack Bandit!

Okay. Let's settle down!
Guys, what is known...

Okay. Let's settle down!
Guys, what is known...

What's known is that
around noon yesterday... unidentified student
dropped a coin... another student's,
you know, upper buttock fold.

- Yes, yes.
- Gwen Ridley, Greendale Gazette.

Is this the return
of the Ass Crack Bandit?

Okay, that person, Gwen,
if he ever existed...

...stopped being active
over a year ago.

- Yeah.
- Tim Briggs, Greendale Mirror.

Is it true that after the attack... received a letter
from the Ass Crack Bandit?

I never said that. When did
we split The Gazette from The Mirror?

And how many photographs
do you people need?

Raul Lopez, Las Noticias Hispanicas
de Greendale. Will this affect soccer?

We did, in fact, receive a letter
an hour after the incident...

...including details
not known to the public...

...about the brand
of Garrett's underwear.

Hanes His Ways.

"I am the Ass Crack Bandit.

Humans make better banks
than piggies.

Whenever I get more change
at the store...

...I can't wait to drop it
down your butts.

I think I will go to the bank
and get so much change...

...and make all my dollars
into change...

...and drop it all down there."

He should be called
"The Run-on Sentence Bandit."

From this moment, people,
we are at DEFCON 4...

If that's the highest DEFCON, and if
high DEFCONs are worse than low ones.

You all remember
psychology Professor Duncan.

- Hey, where'd you go?
- I was taking care of my sick mother.

She's still alive,
but I've put in my time.

Britta. Oh, Pierce, good for you.

I always thought that hairpiece
was a bit cowardly.

Duncan is going to help us
work up something called a profile... we can root this student out.

For the record...

...I tried to get something done
about this two years ago.

This is not about you.
It's about the school.

This is the biggest PR crisis
to hit Greendale...

...since our rally
protesting the wrong Korea.

Jeffrey, how can you help?

I'll take a look
at the whole picture...

...see if any pieces match up.

Double fruit bonus.

Crikey! Kiwi combo, mate.

I took a map of the campus
and pinpointed all the locations...

- ...of the Ass Crack Bandit strikes.
- You can't handle the fruit.

During the Bandit's
most daring spree...

...he cracked
three people in a row.

Today, I sprinted
between all three sites.

My quickest time
was 20 minutes.

The A.C.B. did it in 10.
So he's got long legs.

I think he has something
I don't, a shortcut.

The faculty lounge.
You think the Bandit's a teacher?

The dean's not gonna
help me pursue this.

- I need help.
- Pineapple penalty, fool!

No! Unfair and racist.

Look, no way, Annie.

Faculty hates me
and the dean signs my cheques.

This is important!

- I can assure you that's not true.
- Fruit, fruit, fruit!

Yeah, collect the seeds, sucker!

After the tone,
please leave a message.

Hey, Abed. Lab ran late.

What'd Annie get us for dinner?
I hope it's not salad again.

I'd rather just stop at the meat store.

All right. Talk to you later.

Well, hello.

Will you stop
with the cups and the blankets?

It's how
they comfort victims in movies.

Okay, I am hereby banning change
from this campus.

- You really think that's an effective...
- Guess what, your two cents is change...

- ...and it's banned.
- Got something.

somebody get me a bag.

Oh, give me that.

"I hope you enjoyed my work again.

You can't stop me, because
what are you gonna do, not have butts?"

Dean, I think it's a teacher.

- I beg your what?
- I have evidence showing...

Yeah, and I have evidence that shows
I'm not listening. Exhibit A, exhibit B.

This is never gonna end if you
keep choosing politics over justice.

Okay, you wanna make trouble?
Go to Parker Brothers. You're out.

Take it easy.

Taking it easy is how Troy ended up
with a quarter of a buck in his crack.

- Annie, nobody's asking you to do th...
- Jeff, come on!

You know how this school works.
We do it, or it doesn't get done.

The men on our coins
understood that.

Maybe the Ass Crack Bandit's point
is we're letting our values slide.

Or maybe he's a frat boy
coming from the Laundromat.

The important question is
"who cares?"


Let me know what you need from me.
On the down low. Way down low.

And no squealing.

Okay, squeal.

Real Neil here, five days into the return
of the Ass Crack Bandit.

- It's alive!
- Since we last spoke...

...three more victims
have caught the quarter...

...with no end in sight.

- Safety pants, 100 bucks a pop.
- All sandwiches, $5.

Sorry, no change.
Blame the Bandit.

Here's a song that's been
shooting up the request line...

...faster than coins are dropping.

The nature of the Ass Crack
Bandit's crimes...

...would suggest that
he's angry or just fell in love.

We know that he hates money
or loves it...

...or doesn't care about money
and hates butts or loves them.

Abed, you're special.

Can't you just stand
at the scene of the crime...

- ...and see what happened?
- Yeah.

I see a man...

...using a social disorder
as a procedural device.

Wait, wait, wait,
I see another man.

Mildly autistic
super detectives everywhere.

Basic cable,
broadcast networks.

Pain. Painful writing.

It hurts.

Hickey, what have you got?

Heartburn. It doesn't help me
catch criminals.

Okay. I didn't wanna
take drastic measures...

...but I've cooked up a little something.

You better put a quarter
in that crack, Mr. Bandit.

Professor Hickey.

- Gotcha!
- What do you think?

I think it's spending
too much money on a crime...

- ...that nets you 25 cents a pop.
- No, no. This was free.

Then I think you just admitted
you already owned a fake butt.

"I am the mad hatter,
if hats were butts.

I am neither left nor right.
I am the space between.

To me, you're all like ants...

...marching to class,
freaks on parade."

I mean, why mix metaphors?
Ants don't have butts.

- Wait a minute.
- Ants do have butts.

These are Dave lyrics.

- Dave?
- Dave Matthews.

Hard-core fans call him Dave.

Oh, excuse me for being alive
in the '90s...

...and having two ears
connected to a heart.

Okay, so all we need to do
is assemble a list...

...of which Greendale teachers
are Dave Matthews fans.

Guess we better get to work.

- Done.
- Thought that would take longer.

So please approve
the dean's new security measure...

...called Troy's Law...

...because a camera
in the bathroom... better than a quarter
in your butt.

As we've seen,
the Ass Crack Bandit...

...can be defeated
by using the three B's:

Belts, briefs, and buddies.

The Bandit always gets
his victims when they're alone.

Bend over with friends over.
There's safety in numbers.

I got cracked!

He's under the bleachers!

Everyone remain calm, please!
All right, free-for-all!

- Hey. Where you been?
- I questioned Guterman.

We can cross him off.

The first cracking, he was chaperoning
Greendale's science dance.

The student that attended
can vouch for him.

I checked out Mrs. Plimpton.

Airtight alibi. She's dead.

Next on my list is this one.

We're close, I can feel it.

This extra long churro
tastes good in my real mouth.

May I help you?

We'd like to ask you
a few questions if that's okay.

He's bolting!

He's there!

If you're going to confiscate this,
know one thing.

It's a mild, kind sativa,
perfect for playing guitar.

There's been another...

What the hell?

Destroying classrooms?

Secretly investigating teachers
behind my back?

Someone has to investigate faculty,
but you're like a single-celled organism:

- No nerve.
- Annie, you're suspended.

Wait, you can't do that!

Don't tell me what I can't do.

What do you think you are,
Cosmo's July quiz?

She was trying to help you.

Let me ask you two something.

Let me be, like, the 50th person
at this school to ask:

What is this, huh?

- What is this creepy business?
- What?

I think you two like
to partner up on cutesy capers... you can hold hands
in the dark...

...and address your urges
in semi-acceptable scenarios.

Whoa, not cool!

You not cool! You unprofessional!

I'm punishing you, Jeffrey.
Starting next week... are the new coach
of the water polo team.

- What?
- That's right.

Every morning, in the water...

Craig Pelton, dean
and assistant water polo coach.

- What?
- This is the Ass Crack Bandit.

I find it funny you ever thought
you could catch me.

Oh, that's very interesting.
Please continue.

I've enjoyed our game.
It's funny how close...

...your two little helpers
came to catching me.

I liked watching them run in circles.
But I wonder...

...are they chasing me as an excuse
to get near each other?

- I mean, get a room already.
- We're friends!

Why don't you tell us where
you are, and we'll discuss it?

I am the bringer of change.
I am the filler of cracks.

Oh, that's very interesting.
I myself was in 4H.

Trace the call, Rhonda!

This means trace the call!

Look at the extension.

Five-nine-four. Okay.



Got it, the stables!
We have stables?

Let's go.

- Creepy.
- I don't know.

Add some doilies
and a foot bath...

...and this is my mom's house.

Mush! mush!

Mush! Mush!

- No, run. Mush!
- Star-Burns?

Since faking his death
to escape meth charges...

...Alex "Star-Burns" Osbourne
has been living in the stables...

...eating garbage,
and trying to build a cat car.

He's also confessed
to dropping coins...

...down exposed butt cracks.
Case closed.

- High five?
- Sure.

- No.
- Oh, American high five. Sorry.

Oh, my God.

So much pain.

But now it's time to heal!

You're all invited
to the official...

..."We Caught the Ass Crack
Bandit" Dance tonight... the cafeteria!


There's no way
Star-Burns did it.

Innocent people don't confess.

Are you kidding me? You knew
it was a teacher. It doesn't add up.

Maybe I was wrong.

Or maybe the dean was right
about us.

What? No. Annie...

...I took this case because
I wanted to help you.

Then what is this?

It's platonic shoulder holding.


Leonard, hello, how are you?

It's a guy who puts quarters
down butt cracks, Jeff.

Let's just let it go.

We can do better.

All right. Change is money!

What are you guys, millionaires?

T-shirts here!
Cracked but not broken, huh?

Who's in? T-shirts!

T-shirts here! Twenty bucks.

- Professor Duncan?
- Yeah?

- Not going to the dance?
- I'll go later.

Actually, would you mind coming
to get me when Britta's drunk?

Listen, as Britta's friend,
I should give you this ad...

Yes! That is my jam right there.

- Dave Matthews fan?
- Obviously you're not.

Real fans call him Dave.

I've heard this song before.
Winger, who is this?

What are you talking about?
Don't know?

I remember it from the '90s.

- It's Dave.
- Lee Roth?

- You're not the Ass Crack Bandit.
- Keep it down, huh?

I made a deal with the dean.

Said as long as I confessed,
he'd let me slide on the meth...

...and buy a space heater for my stable.

- But why call the dean and pretend that...
- I didn't call no dean.

I don't call nobody don't call me.

I got to go backstage once
and meet the whole band.

Everyone except Dave.

There's a whole album
of photos online if you go to...

You actually wouldn't be able
to access it.

I use an older, British form
of Facebook called Mug-scroll.

- I guess I should be going.
- No, no, stay.

We're just getting to know
each other.

I really shouldn't, I have a...

Aren't you
going to pick those up?


Just reach down
with your hand and...


This is the Ass Crack Bandit.

I find it funny that you ever
thought you could catch me.


It's Duncan.



Very nice.

Oh, bloody hell... shoe is untied
by British standards.

Here we go.

One bunny, two bunnies.

Get Britta!

Annie! Did Duncan get cracked?

Where's the Bandit?
Do you see him?

- Over there!
- Come on, let's get him!

- Shirley, what are you doing?
- Looking for you.

Did you see someone
come this way?

Jeff, Annie, Pierce is dead.

Tonight's celebration was
cut short by some tragic news.

Pierce Hawthorne,
14-year Greendale student...

and expert heart attack faker...

...has passed away,
for real this time.

Pierce had been recently banned
from campus but not from our hearts.

He's survived by many ex-wives...

...and all of us here at Greendale
that called him friend.

If you're listening, Pierce,
you were a hell of a D&D player.

It's time to level up.

Up next on the dial
is Dr. Farts.

I can't believe Pierce is gone.

Yeah. Life is weird.

It's a container
for all this little stuff...

...and you get caught up in it.

And then,
the container just:

That hallway
led to a dead end.

We might've had him.

I should get home. Haven't slept.

The case goes cold again.

Don't worry.
I got a feeling he'll be back.

Or her.

You know, climate change
is threatening our world...

...but there is a solution:

The cat car.

The world's first
animal-powered vehicle.

My original prototype
was hunger-based.

But sometimes, cats aren't hungry.

My new model will use
a rear-fixed dog system.

But dogs cost money,
your money.

By donating to this project,
you'll be like an investor...

...except without taking
all my profits.

Donate $5,
and you get a thank-you e-mail.

Fifty dollars gets you a T-shirt.

One hundred gets you a T-shirt
and a thank-you e-mail.

All aboard the cat car...

...and all aboard helping
our nation's global warming.