Community (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 5 - Geothermal Escapism - full transcript

As a going-away present to Troy before his around-the-world trip, Abed sets up a high-stakes game of "Hot Lava" at the college, but Britta suspects that the game is just masking his real feelings about Troy's departure.

This is from all of us, Troy.

When you're sailing around the world,
you'll be going through a lot of countries,

So we got you a
universal translator.

- Cool.
- Bueno.

- Bueno?
- Cool.

Thanks, guys.

I didn't know going-away
parties could be so much fun.

I should leave all the time.

Let's not forget it's
okay to be sad too.

Britta, do you get kickbacks
from big buzzkill?

- I'm serious.
- We know.

The truth is, a member
of our family is leaving.

For a year, maybe more.

Psychology has taught
me the human mind has

a tendency to rechannel
separation anxiety in the form

of frivolity and
giddiness, and...

I don't want us to
waste our chance

to acknowledge how much
we're gonna miss you.

- Attention, Greendale.
- Oh, announcements!


- Oh, I love these.
- Whoo! Announcements!

I'm standing here
with Abed Nadir,

who has chosen to give
his best friend, Troy,

The very special going-away
present of declaring

a school-wide
game of hot lava!

- Cool!
- Ooh, that sounds like fun!

Wha... no! Process
your feelings.

Hot lava is the sweet,
classic children's game

in which you are not allowed to
touch the floor, or you're dead.

I think it's cute, and while I normally
don't condone climbing on furniture,

Troy and Abed's
friendship has been such

a special and magical
part of Greendale,

We owe it to ourselves
to honor it.

Abed, anything to add?

Yes, take this seriously.
Stay on furniture.

No books, no bags.
The dead can't talk.

No coming back as
a lava monster.

- Ooh!
- Yes!

Hot lava!

Come on, guys, this is classic avoidance.
I have to go talk to him.

Oh, and because the non-awesome often
need incentive to do awesome stuff,

the final survivor will win my near mint
condition number one issue of Space Clone.

Valued by the comics
authority at $50,000.

Wh... I'm... I'm

The floor turns
to lava in ten,

nine, eight, seven...

Did you say 15
or 50 thousand?

- Six...
- Oh, who am I kidding?

Help, lava!

Five, four, three, two...

Professor Duncan?

You stay back, Britta!

I'm not afraid to push a
girl into make-believe lava.

In fact, it's been
my primary strategy.

I'm staying in the game, so I can
talk to Abed. I'm worried about him.

What I'm worried
about is money.

My self-published novels aren't
going to publish themselves.

Don't regress to primal behavior
just because it's allowed.

We're human beings, not
the editors of Teen Vogue.

They're setting a terrible
example for today's young women.

Well, I'm sorry, Britta, But
it's either you or me...

And I'm me.

- No!
- Yes, yes, yes!


Real nice, Winger.

This is why the English
never win any sports.

'Cause everyone else cheats!

Britta, there you are.

Sweet, sweet,
portable chairs.

Plastic gold.
Four-legged diamonds.

You claiming this?

Lava joust?

Did you all hit your heads
on each other's heads?

Let's get real, Britta. Once the
last of the chairs are gone,

a sofa hopper like you
won't last 20 minutes.

You want to join this alliance,

- or you want to join the lava?
- Fine.

But I'm not learning the
new names for anything.

Centipeding isn't the
fastest form of travel,

But if we find more chairs, We can
do the inchworm, scootenanny,

The reverse Danny Thomas.

Do you think this game's
gotten a little out of hand?

Eh, feels normal enough for a school
that's on 911's blocked caller list.

And I like that Abed wanted
to send Troy off in a cool way.

Send him off or put
off sending him?

I think this imaginary lava might
symbolize Abed's fear of change.

I think that diagnosis symbolizes
your lack of a psych degree.

Mama mahogany, feast your
feet on that stack of sticks.

Eh, too easy. Could be a trap.

As if someone else is taking
this game as seriously as you.

Let's keep this centipede
rolling. Give me a chair.

Ugh, so stupid.

Come on.

- Shh, shh!
- Locker, locker, locker.

- Locker, locker.
- Locker boys!



Winger, Edison, and Perry.

What a delicious...

Lock, lock, lock, lock,
lock, lock, lock, lock, lock!

What are we getting from this
extra level of commitment?

We're getting your
chairs, your food,

and the names of your
same-sex celebrity crushes.

Everyone has one, don't lie.

Then you're free
to go... into lava!

Lock, lock, lock,
lock, lock, lock, lock, lock!


Stand down or meet
your doom, Chang.

You're in no position to
make threats, floor strider.

Our truce ended when you banished
us from the pay phone bench.

You used that bench
to upset the balance.

By the Vapors of Magmarath,
we will restore it.

- You have gods?
- Locker boys!

- Earn your M&Ms!
- Locker!

Troy and Abed
intimidation stance.

I guess that actually looked
the way it did in my head.

Hiya, kids.

I'm criminology
professor Buzz Hickey,

And this...

this is just a little something
I threw together.




- Centipede, centipede!
- Okay!

Pull harder! Pull harder!
Pull harder!

My same-sex celebrity
crush is Nathan Fillion!

Nathan Fillion!

Jeff, Annie! Get to Shirley Island.
We'll meet you there.

Abed, save yourself!

Abed, before Troy
"dies in lava,"

you can save
yourself emotionally

by honestly experiencing the
pain of him leaving Greendale!

We can do this in three steps.
Britta, jump to that trash can.

- Troy, start inchworming.
- What's the third step?

The third step's survival.
Good luck, Britta.

Seriously? Troy!

Sorry, Britta,
Abed knows best.

But I'll always remember you as kind of
slowing us down and complaining a lot.

Oh, my... no!

They abandoned you?

This game's doing bad
things to people.

Now me, I'm just in
it for the money.

My son's getting gay married.

The flowers alone,
you have no idea.

I get it.

I lived in New York.

All right, Miss Perry, climb aboard.
It's fake killing time.

Welcome to Shirley Island.

No furniture beyond this point.

Leave your weapons at the door
and any spare doors at the entrance.

Then came the
now-now times...

When the floors were covered
with the burny touch.


- You made it.
- Friends!

Welcome to Shirley Island, where
all your dreams come true,

If you dream of standing on
a table and pissing in a jar.

Where's Britta?

- She didn't make it.
- Oh, that's too bad.

- Poor Britta.
- It's okay.

Her sacrifice got us this
far, and now we can't lose.

Why not?

Because now we're
on Shirley Island,

and according to legend...

so is the orb.

I'm sure I have no idea
what you're speaking of.

- This is a place of peace.
- And profit.

- Come again?
- You're not really playing, Shirley.

You're a merchant, and
more power to you.

But don't withhold power from
others just to make money.

- We want the orb.
- Abed.

Listen, I'm still a little raw from
what happened with Britta back there.

I mean, fun is fun, but

I don't want my last day here to
be a day where everyone hates me.

Last day?

Citizens of Shirley Island!

What have you
brought to my door?

Stay back!

- My God, it's Hickey.
- Aah!

And he's got chair walkers!

Come out with your
feet on the floor,

and there will be no need
for nudging or jostling.

I did not skip my son's
birthday for second place!

I want to say something to
you guys about mental health.

- Is that Britta? Is she alive?
- Why did you think she was dead?

We kind of...

- l-left her.
- Left her for dead?

Sounds bad when you
put it that way.

Can you put it a way
that sounds good?

You do realize this isn't
just a pile of chairs, right?

This is a crib, and you're curled up
inside there, sucking your thumb,

because you're too
scared to say good-bye.

Well, it's time to grow up.

The adults are here, and we're
gonna tear down your fort.

Chair walkers, attack! Ah-ooh!


My name was Vicki!
Tell my story!

These are my only pants!
I can't get them dirty!

I'm actually British!

- Leonard! Butter 'em up!
- You got it!

Cirque du so long, you
high-stepping acro-bastards!

- Do you have any rolling chairs?
- Behind the curtain.

Abandon fort! Women
and man-children first!

Hey, seat feet!

Chair to dance?



Britta, I'm your friend.

I can't hear dead
people, Annie.

- I'm in a world of imagination.
- Ha!

Then imagine what the
floor looks like.

I don't have to. I'll just imagine
where you're about to be!

That's the same as
imagining the floor.

Then you just admitted
that's where you'll be.

- Knock, knock, Britta.
- I'm not gonna say "Who's there?"

because someone on the
floor is knocking.

Well, that's lame. You
have to say, "Who's there?"

- Floor!
- What?

- That's who's there!
- Yeah!

But it's for you!

Ah! Aah!

Shirley, give us the orb, and
we can save Shirley Island.

The orb can't save Shirley island
because Shirley Island is the orb.

In a cool way like Keyser Soze or a
lame way like Jewel of the Nile?

You tell Buzz Hickey that
Shirley Bennett said...

Well, I don't want
to waste your time.

Just think of something
cool and give me credit.

But the door I'm knocking
on is your home,

so if I'm the floor,
it means you're dead.

If you're the floor,
you're already dead.

Just do it right!
Knock, knock!

Knock, knock!

- Oh!
- Who's there, bitch?





♪ Troy and Abed in a bubble ♪

Ha! Hickey, you chicken.

He gutted us. Retreat!



I'm the only one left.

I won 50,000 bucks.

That's 50,000
lottery tickets!

You can't outrun
your emotions!


Aah! I had a dream like
this, but it was sexual.

I will force you two to grieve
properly even if it kills us all!

Go away, Britta!

Oh! Aah!

- Yay!
- Ow!

- Yay! Ow!
- Ow!

Sorry about our
butts touching.

Okay, we'll go
into the vents.

- They'll never find us there.
- I say we take a stand here.

I mean, someone's got
to win sometime.

Not if we never kill each other.
Then we can play forever.

Right. Wait.

Abed, the floor can't
be lava forever.

The game's got to end.

It's not a game for me, Troy.

I'm seeing real lava
because you're leaving.

It's embarrassing, and I don't want
to be crazy, but I am crazy, so...

I made a game that made you and
everyone else see what I see.

I don't want it to be there either, I
swear. I want you to be able to leave,

but I don't think the lava goes
away until you stop leaving.

So the only way I can help you
is by giving up my chance to...

be one person?

- You guys ready for closure?
- Of your caskets?

Guys, stop, okay? The
lava's real to Abed.

- It's not a game to him.
- Oh, no.

You know what I think?

I think he's used to
getting his own way.

I think he's never met me.

- Aah!
- No!





When this game is over,
I'm gonna shove you back.

Abed, give me
your other hand!

It's down to us. You or
Britta will be the winner.

I'm not leaving, okay?
Just... I promise.

Just... the floor's not lava now.
Just give me your hand.

I don't think the lava's
here because you're leaving.

I think it's here
because I won't let go.


- Bye.
- Abed.

Abed. Abed!


Abed! Abed!


He's... he's fake dead.


El esta muerto para siempre.

- Shut up.
- Callate.

- What?
- Que?

- Stop!
- Para.

He's not really dead.

No, but he's really playing
dead, and he's not gonna stop.

Here. Congratulations,
you win.

You don't get it.

No one gets Abed.

I got him a little.

This is my fault.

I don't deserve to fake live.

Wait! No.

- I can fix it.
- How?

I-I don't know. In real life, I
don't know, but I can fake fix him.

Uh, I can clone him.

- I'll clone him.
- Go on.

I just need his DNA.

Let's get his DNA.
Don't touch the lava.

You might be onto something.

I'm gonna find discarded technology
from this once great civilization

- and start a cloning machine.
- Mm!

Okay, I'm placing this
cellular regeneration

sequencer on the
spot where he died.

Here, don't forget this.

This is a laser guidance
system that keeps

the regeneration sequence
from, um...

- jib-jabbing.
- Jib-jabbing?

Initiate regeneration

- It worked. - We made
a perfect clone of Abed.

Actually, Britta's
work was sloppy.

I'm not an exact replication.

I have all of Abed's
abilities and memories,

but I'm missing his
wild emotionality.

Although I think I may be
able to let Troy go now.

I don't know.

I haven't been
completely honest.

I'm really scared
to go on my trip.

Well, you don't have to go.

Your clone can.


So you guys are all
cloned up too, huh?

Yeah, believe in cloning.


guess that's my ride.

I'm so excited for you.

You're gonna see the world
and experience new cultures.

I mean, technically all
culture has been homogenized

by 50 years of
American imperialism,

but at least the candy
bar wrappers will...

God, there I go.

Almost Britta'd our good-bye,
huh? I'm the worst.

You're the best,
and I love you.

I'm better at sex
than Jeff, right?

I've yet to have
anyone worse.

All I ever wanted
in high school was

for Troy Barnes
to notice me,

and then I ended up
living with you.

- I'm pretty lucky.
- I'm not.

I had a chance to be your
friend in high school,

but I was too busy
trying to be cool.

I missed out on four
more years of Annie.


You are the coolest
guy I know.

I hope I make you proud.

I've never stepped foot
outside of Colorado.

You're becoming much cooler
than me by doing this.

Thanks for looking out for me.

Thank you for putting up with the boring,
old mom in your college study group.

You made a furniture

You're the badass
from our study group.

Clone Troy.

Clone Abed.

By the way, when I cloned
you, I had to patch

some missing parts of your DNA
with genes from a homing pigeon.

You may notice side effects,
like a compulsion to come back.


Clone hug?

So you're really just gonna pilot
this thing all on your own?

Well, Pierce's will stated
that someone would be

assigned to travel with me to
verify that I don't cheat.

Captain Barnes.

We should probably set sail while the wind
is still in our favor, don't you think?


♪ A gathering of angels

♪ Appeared above my head

Now, Troy, I know it's gonna be difficult
for you to interact with me...

No, no. That was
the original Troy.

I'm his clone.

Let's get the
lead out, Burton.

Aye, aye, sir.

♪ They said, come sail
away, come sail away ♪

♪ Come sail away
with me, that's... ♪

♪ Come sail away,
come sail away ♪

♪ Come sail away with me

You know, starting a sea voyage
from landlocked Colorado

may not have been
the best idea.

We'll drive to the river and then
take the river to the ocean.

Actually, I never thought
I'd see you again.

I have a couple Star Trek
questions, if you don't mind.

No, go ahead.

What time did you guys have
to get up in the morning?

Does every writer write
for one character?

What's a best boy? I saw
it in the credits once.

Why don't they call
it Planet Trek?

You never go to a star.

You... Not one episode.