Community (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 9 - Intro to Felt Surrogacy - full transcript

Okay, this awkward silence
has been going on for days.

Granted, Jeffrey looks
amazing when he broods,

but this has got to stop.

Now, I don't know what happened,

but we have to get to the bottom of this.

It's too embarrassing.

I understand.

You don't wanna talk about it,

and you won't have to.

They will talk for you.

Why did you make, have, and bring these?



- Mm.
- Don't answer.

- It's puppet therapy.
- Mm-hmm.

The psychology world has
recently embraced it

after seeing it on Law & Order.

You'll notice that each puppet
is made in your likeness.

They were a rush job.

It's not like I had them
on hand for personal use.

Excuse me. Let me just grab this
thing that's definitely not a whip.

In addition to being adorable,

I know firsthand that puppet
therapy can and does work.

Uh, Dean, puppet Kevin here thinks I
should have a candy bar right now.

No, you know how it winds you up.

Fine. We'll split it.

All right. Got money, bro?



He's not what he seems!

Wait. Where's Pierce?

I know he's not with us,
but is he still with us?

I'm sure he's fine.

Although, no one's seen him since
he lost his mind in the woods.

You all were in the woods? Oh.

Oh, so the puppets are working. Okay.

Uh...

How did it start? What happened?

- We're not playing with puppets.
- Oh, Jeffrey.

Dean, what happened is between us and Jesus,

and Jesus don't snitch.

Yeah, and I don't need a
puppet to express myself.

I already say whatever I want.

But I am a fan of the medium, so...

my father is withholding.

- Ow.
- Hm.

That's interesting.

Guys, are we just gonna avoid
making eye contact forever?

- Who are we, Jeff during sex?
- Huh?

Let's just give it a shot and move on.

Fine.

If we're gonna play this game,

then, unlike sex with Britta,

we're gonna do it quickly

and with a small shred of dignity.

- Eh.
- Yeah.

Jeffrey, dignity is my middle name,

and my first name is

Dean-nocchio!

- Whoo.
- It all started on Friday.

Britta was talking about a
few of her latest causes.

This one's for the Greendale animal shelter,

this one's for global warming,
this one's for global cooling,

and this one's for the
amount of rubber wasted

while making stupid bracelets.

That's called rubber flubbing,

and it's a real problem.

Open your eyes, people!

Britta said, "Open your eyes, people."

- Square.
- Nice.

- What are you two doing?
- Oh.

We're playing "Study Group Bingo."

Study group bingo?

We've been best friends for four years,

so we've fallen into a comfortable,
repetitive pattern

like humorous misunderstandings
on Three's Company

or girls gossiping on Gossip Girl.

So to liven things up,
Troy and I made this bingo chart

of the predictable things we say.

This game is gay.

- Square.
- You're mocking us?

That's not a very Christian thing to do.

- Square.
- Oh.

Can we go back to studying now?

- Square.
- I don't like this game.

- Me neither.
- I think it's mean.

- There's no point.
- Yeah, it's insulting.

- Okay, stop.
- Square.

Abed's right.

We've had the same
conversation a million times.

I guess we're kind of stuck in a--

- Rut?
- Yes.

But to be fair, there's not many
things you could be stuck in.

- Elevators.
- Bad marriages.

- A peat bog.
- On a flight in the middle seat.

- Time loops.
- The bottom of a well.

- Your own emotions.
- Quicksand.

- Okay, stop!
- Square.

How did we get so predictable?

And here is our
state-of-the-art 1989 library

where--oh, look!

It is my favorite study group.

They all really typify the diversity

we have here at Greendale.

Uh, ruggedly handsome leading man...

a mom, an activist,

a perfect student, a lifelong learner,

a sidekick, and Abed.

Enough foreplay.
It's time to move this tour along

to meet my good friend Magnitude!

Yeah, prepare to be pop-popped!

Aw, he's a national treasure.

Look, the problem isn't us.

We're awesome.

The problem is Greendale.

It's pulling our strings,
and we need a break.

Yeah, our Ferris Bueller needs a day off.

Hey, whose dad has a vintage Ferrari?

Abed, a pop culture reference
is more of the same.

We need to go big.

We need an adventure!

That's a good idea, Annie,
but there's one problem.

Where would we go?

Hey, guys.

- Uh...
- Oh, no!

Oh, boy.

From now on, no more singing in the balloon.

- Did I miss it?
- Miss what?

Who said anything about a runaway balloon?

Okay, let me process this.

No!

- Oh, God.
- Whoa, whoa.

- We're really high.
- I'm really scared of heights.

Guys, what are we gonna do?

I had a dream it would end this way.

Oh, Jeffrey, you're on a runaway balloon?

You could have died. You could have died.

How could you almost let him die?

We all almost died, but we all didn't.

You know, plus, a near death experience

would've only brought us closer together.

Good point.

Although it did get pretty hairy after that

especially once Pierce started helping.

Okay, everyone push down
with me at the same time.

One, two, three!

Come on, people. I can't do this alone.

You can't do it at all.

Oh, look. A downstream.

Pierce! No!

Whoa!

If we fly to heaven,

please don't tell my grandpa
about me and Britta.

This is not good.

There are so many clouds. It's so dark!

I can't even see the Landing Strip

or any of the other nudie bars.

Oh, heaven, help us.

We must be a mile above the ground.

That's international airspace.

We're literally above the law.

Jeff can marry any man he wants.

Wait a second, guys.

I think we're starting to go down.

You see? Prayer works.

So does gravity, Shirley.

And you know who invented gravity, right?

- Oh.
- Whoa!

Guys, let's put a pin in the mysteries
of the universe convo until we land.

Which will be sooner than we thought.

We're gaining speed fast, people.

Oh! Brace for impact.

- Oh, damn you, gravity!
- Damn you, prayer!

Damn you, Vicki!

Has anyone else noticed Professor Duncan

hasn't been around for a long time?

Maybe I can soften our descent.

Pierce, no!

Bring it to me strong,
old man monkey strength!

Okay.

Okay, obviously, that was very scary.

Post-traumatic stress is a real issue,

but with these puppets
giving voice to our feelings,

- we can begin to heal.
- Hey, come on.

This is gonna be a long and arduous process.

There's more.

Hey, well, excuse Dean

for reacting to the natural
lull in your story.

I'm so sorry.

When you hurt, I hurt.

What happened next?

Whoa.

- We made it.
- Everyone okay?

- I'm alive.
- Square.

- Guys, knock it off.
- Okay, still alive?

Okay, we're all safe.

We just have to figure out
how to get back to Greendale.

But we're in the middle of the woods.

Where do we start?

We need to split into two groups,
the survivors and the others.

Where's the manifest?

Oh, stop it with your Lost references.

We need to get back home.

What if we're stuck here?

We need to start a prison system.

We'll be stranded here forever,

and I've never seen blue man group!

Guys, guys, we're gonna make it outta here.

We gotta relax. We're all gonna be fine.

Ahh!

What is that?

I just want to say, if we're gonna die,

I love you guys.

- I love you all too.
- I did see blue man group.

I just didn't get it.

Why can't they talk?
They have so much in common.

- Others!
- Huh?

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to startle anybody.

And I thought my hair looked fake.

Oh, you guys are a long,
long way from Greendale.

How did you know we're from Greendale?

Oh, from Pierce's shirt.

How did you know my name is Pierce?

It's embroidered on your Greendale shirt

you got at the student store.

How'd you know I got it
at the student store?

- I'm a touch psychic.
- Oh! Huh. Hm.

Anyway, I used to go to
Greendale just like you guys

before I came out here to be free.

So this is how Greendale graduates end up:

As transient mountain men.

Huh. Not as bad as I thought.

But don't you miss having stuff?

Out here, you have everything you need.

And you can be whoever you wanna be.

- Huh.
- Oh.

- -
- Hi, Troy.

Ah.

- -
- Mm, ooh, yummy.

Be free, my friends.

- -
- Be free.

Simply inspiring.

Ten minutes ago, you weren't even speaking.

And now, you've admitted that a strange man

hand-fed you psychotropic berries.

- This is puppet therapy work--
- Dean!

- There is a fire in the cafeteria.
- Garrett, not now!

Where was I? Ah! I was healing you.

Hm? Go on.

Well, those devil berries freed our minds

and loosened our tongues.

Your skin is so beautiful

and soft.

It's like felt.

I feel so free out here,

like I'm my own man.

If Jeff said we had to live out here,

I'd totally be down with that.

Me too.

Can I tell you guys a secret?

Yeah, sure.

I was at the grocery store with my kids,

and I thought I saw Andre
walk by with another woman.

I love women.

Mm.

I'm gonna go take a growler.

Anyway, I wanted to follow
Andre and the woman,

so I left my kids at the magazine stand

for just a minute, but somehow,

I lost track of time and
ended up tailing them

all the way out of town.

It wasn't even Andre.

The horrible part is I forgot my kids

and left them all night
in the grocery store.

Well, there y'all go, giving me that look,

treating me like Judas,

judging me like Judy.

You know, Judge Judy. She judges people.

Shirley, this is the first I've heard of you

leaving your kids in a grocery store.

Me too.

I have no memory of you saying that.

Well, if you don't know my secret,

why have we all been so
awkward around each other?

I thought everyone heard my secret.

I didn't hear you say anything.

So nobody else heard my terrible secret

about how I...

trail off from time to time?

Did everyone here reveal a secret?

Mm-hmm.

And no one remembers anyone else's,
including mine?

Mm-mm.

Those berries made us real talky but

not real listen-y.

So if no one heard or remembers

anything anyone else said...

We're in the clear.

- -
- I'm a genius!

- -
- Yeah!

Um, guys?

Um, don't mind me.

I'm sure you guys can get on
with your lives without the

worst mom ever.

Sounds good. Anyone up for a movie?

Abed, sit.

Shirley, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

No one thinks you're a bad mom.

Thanks, Jeff, but I'm--
I'm just gonna go home now.

Shirley, wait.

I think I know how to make you
feel a little less horrible.

I like where you're headed.
Okay, who's holding?

I have four berries,

but I am saving them for Laser Floyd.

No, we all need to
re-share our secrets sober.

Oh, God.

Look, we were all feeling crappy earlier,

but at least we were
feeling crappy together.

Shirley is alone now.

This is the only way to
put us on equal footing,

and if it makes it any easier,

we can use these puppets.

- Ah, yay!
- Shut up.

Okay.

I found the perfect girl for me,

and then, I met her kid.

There you are.

Come on, guys.

I wanna thank you all for being so open,

and honest, and for syncing
your mouth and hand movements.

And now, for my most terrible secret.

I am not what you would call traditionally--

Wait, Abed, you never told us your secret.

- Oh.
- That's right.

I didn't share one that night.

After we got back from the woods,

everyone was being silent
and not making eye contact.

I didn't know why,
so I mirrored your behavior.

Oh.

Mm.

Thank you, Jeff,

and I don't think you're
anything like your father.

I don't know how you take care
of one kid, let alone three.

Aw. That's nice.

So nobody thinks I'm a slutty cheater?

No.

- Or me as a criminal?
- No.

Nobody respects me any less as
a political activist, right?

Well, uh...

the level to which we respect you

as a political activist has
definitely not changed.

That's right.

- That's how I would say it.
- Exactly.

Whew. Bye, Dean.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye, Dean.

Knowledge is a party.

Once again, I help fix everyone's problems

only to go home alone.

Who says you have to be alone?

Jeffrey.