Community (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 8 - Herstory of Dance - full transcript

And then in the season finale,

they reveal the whole thing
was a dream,

when the Inspector wakes up

next to a very young
and very topless Cheryl Tiegs.

Even Pierce loves
this show now?

It's not Inspector Spacetime.

It's the American version,
and it's a travesty.

It's broad, obvious, sexist,
and the timing is...

Honey, I'm dean!

What the hell
is wrong with you?

Oh, Jeffrey, you are too much.



Why, I was doing some
house cleaning the other day...

"Deana Reed" style...
When I realized, "gosh, golly,

it's been ages since we had
a dance."

So, this Friday we are going
back to Greendale's golden age

with an old-fashioned sock hop!

The health department requires
you wear shoes.

What a "coincidean."

You're throwing a dance the
same day the CDC is confiscating

our drinking fountains.
- Well...

Placating students
with a fun event.

Classic bread and circuses.

In Ancient Rome, the emperor
would distract the populace

from their problems by allocating
money for free bread and circuses.

I've been making a conscious effort to get
away from filtering everything through TV.



I figured it's time I showed some growth.
It's been three and a half seasons...

Is what the old me
would have said.

- Oh.
- Aww.

Anyhoo, it is
a Sadie Hawkins dance,

which means girls ask the boys.
- Oh, I love those!

So, ladies, get out there
and make yourselves useful.

So you're saying
there's one day a year

when women are free
to choose their own mates.

What is this,
cave-person times?

Well, I have already started
on a Sadie Hawkins banner,

so this thing is
pretty much set in stone.

Well, then maybe I'll throw
my own dance,

one that doesn't conform
to your oppressive gender norms.

Give me a break.

You think a dance can just
be thrown together Willy-nilly?

You think I decide to just do

a rain forest theme
and buy palm fronds

and rig the sprinkler system
to...

Hold on,
I gotta write this down.

♪ Give me some rope

♪ tie me to dream

♪ give me the hope

♪ to run out of steam

♪ somebody said
it can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up

♪ tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ One by one,
they all just fade away ♪

4x08
Herstory of Dance

So, Britta, you're gonna
throw a protest dance?

Is that a thing?

It is now.

And instead of Sadie Hawkins,

my dance will honor
a real feminist icon,

someone who worked
for women's rights

every day of the year...
Sophie B. Hawkins.

- Oh...
- It wasn't really...

You know what, Britta,
you're right.

A Sophie B. Hawkins dance

is just what
this school needs...

Thanks, Jeff.

To celebrate Sophie B. Hawkins
and all her accomplishments.

Jeez, Winger, who's throwing
this dance, me or you?

Um, Britta, I think you meant
to say Susan B. Anthony,

not Sophie B. Hawkins.

Britta for the whoops!

Didn't you have a cat named
Susan B. Anthony?

How did you manage
to "Britta" that?

I didn't "Britta" anything.
I meant Sophie B. Hawkins.

Really?
Your plan was to throw a dance

honoring the singer of
Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover?

And As I Lay Me Down,

which in my opinion
is the far superior song.

- Ooh, that is a good song.
- Yeah.

Yes.

I am throwing
a Sophie B. Hawkins dance.

And it is gonna be amazing,

and when people come
they're gonna be like,

"damn! She straight
'Britta'd' this!"

Because, that's right,
I'm taking it back!

You're really doing this?

Look, as someone who faked being
a lawyer for seven years

I appreciate your commitment
to the bit,

but just admit you were wrong.

So you can say I "Britta'd" it?

Yes, of course.
That goes without saying.

But come on,
it was a small mistake.

Call this off before it becomes
a full-scale "Brit-astrophe."

- I coined that.
- Jeff,

if you don't want
to come to my dance

you are free to go
to the Sadie Hawkins dance,

which will be happening at the
same time across the cafeteria.

- Our school has limited venue options.
- Oh, I wouldn't miss it.

Oh, and one last thing...
You do realize

that if you call it
a Sophie B. Hawkins dance

people will expect Sophie B. Hawkins
to actually be there, right?

Yes.

And when she comes
I'm gonna be like,

"I will remember you
doubting me."

That's a Sarah Mclachlan song.

So, Abed, I was thinking
about what you said,

about showing growth,
and I was thinking

maybe one way to do that is
to meet new people and...

- Where's this going?
- Can I set you up with a date

for the Sadie Hawkins day dance?
- A blind date.

I've always thought of myself
as more of an acquired taste... but...

Okay.

Ooh, if you're open to meeting

someone, there's a number
of eligible young ladies

in my church.
- Shirley!

I'm already finding
a date for Abed.

- I asked first.
- There's no reason we can't

both help Abed find someone.
Why don't we each pick a girl

and then let Abed decide,
instead of making it a competition.

That's exactly a competition.

- So it is.
- Only for the loser.

I need the computer.

Pierce, there are, like,
dozens of computers.

Yeah, but my email is
on this one.

- Pierce!
- Jeez, what's up your butt?

I may have lied this morning
about meeting Sophie B. Hawkins

because I didn't want Jeff
to make fun of me,

and then I may have lied
to cover that lie,

and now I'm in deep...

lies.

So what?
So you told a lie, big deal.

The important thing
is never to admit it.

Actually, I was thinking
about coming clean.

And give Winger
the satisfaction?

Hell, no.

Besides, anything could happen
between now and that dance.

An asteroid could hit.

Do you want to be the schmuck who
apologizes just before the world ends?

That kind of makes sense.
Thank you.

Damn right it makes sense.

You're talking
to the wisest man on campus.

Now seriously,
I need to get to my email.

The post office
is about to close.

Pierce!

Guys, check out my friend Britta's
Sophie B. Hawkins dance.

I'll be spinning the hits
from yesterday and today,

which are basically the same
to me since I have Changnesia.

That guy's like teflon.

No matter how much awful stuff he does,
he keep getting another chance.

Yeah, he's like
the Colin Farrell of people.

You want to help me
with Britta's dance?

Could be a chance for classic
Troy and Abed hijinks.

In the interest of growth
I'm trying to avoid hijinks,

as well as capers, romps,
and exploits.

Escapades are a gray area.

Abed. This is Kat.

Hi, Kat.
Nice to meet you.

She wants to ask you something.

Isn't she perfect for Abed?

She's like one of those quirky
girls from the movies.

I saw her in the cafeteria trying
to pay for lunch with a song.

I asked if you'd go
to the Sadie Hawkins dance

with me into the balloon.

Could you hear it?

Sure, I'd be happy
to go with you.

Super duper mister Cooper!

Nice.

So, you chose the girl
I picked.

It's cool.

Not like it was a competition
or anything.

Just be gentle when you tell
Shirley that she was the loser.

Or do you want me to tell her?

It's cool.
I'll handle it.

So, was that girl an alien

or a toddler with
a growing disease?

Hello, Abed.

I talked to a lovely girl
at my church

and she'd be happy to go
to the dance with you.

I appreciate it, Shirley,
but I...

I hope you will
at least consider it,

and not just because saying "no"
would crush this poor girl,

but because I don't want you to miss out
on the opportunity of a lifetime.

You're right.

I'd love to go to
Britta's dance with her.

Oh, goody!
I'll set it up.

Oh, I hope this doesn't hurt
Annie's feelings.

Maybe I should go tell her.

No need.
I'll handle it.

- Oh, okay.
- Bye-bye.

At the risk of discovering
I'm living two parallel lives

like that guy in Awake,

don't you already have a date
to the dance?

Yep.
Now I have two, which means

I can do the classic two dates
in one night sitcom trope.

I'll get to wear two outfits.
Mix up their names.

- Maybe hide under a table.
- What about growth?

I tried to go in
a more grounded direction,

but I still ended up in a
comically implausible situation.

It's like Shirley said,

it's a once in a lifetime
opportunity for hijinks.

I can't pass it up.

It seems like you already passed up
a great opportunity for hijinks.

I did?

Uh, duh doy!
Britta's dance?

You think two dates is crazy?

Planning a dance is hijinks
city, population hijinks.

Troy, I need your help.

Get some ice?

Wacwacky ice.
The ice will be wacky.

Thank you for the corsage.

Oh, it matches your carnation.
How cute.

Oh, I'm glad you like it.

I was afraid you'd think
it was old-fashioned.

I like old-fashioned.
I find it refreshing.

Speaking of refreshing,
I'm gonna get us some punch.

- Be right back.
- Oh!

Hi, I'm Kevin.

Apparently I'm your DJ tonight.

Uh, I really don't know what
I'm doing, so...

If you have a request,
please be specific.

I have Changnesia.

Can I help you?

Oh, I just wanted to try on
a different look.

I'm pretty indecisive,
so I may be back here

a few times, if that's okay.

- Mm-hmm.
- Cool.

I'm also gonna need to check
this Gideon's Bible

and this jelly bean
kaleidoscope.

- Icebreakers.
- Mm.

Hey, Britta.
Where's Sophie B.?

Is she backstage drinking Zima
and counting her beanie babies?

Sorry, I can't divulge that.

Stars and their privacy,
you know.

But she'll definitely be here?

Oh, yeah.
Sophie be coming.

So it just be coincidence
that somebody posted

a craigslist ad an hour ago

that says, "looking for
Sophie B. Hawkins,

"or convincing
Sophie B. Hawkins impersonator

to play community college
dance tonight.

Very little money."

It's weird
how in demand she is.

Good thing we booked her early.

Britta, we're running low
on chips.

Here's what I'm thinking.

I go over
to the Sadie Hawkins dance

as the snack inspector,
doing random spot checks,

and confiscate their chips.

All I need is a disguise.

Or you could just go
to the supply closet

and get some more chips.

Okay, but I-I still need
to use the moustache probably.

Here, in lieu of flowers

I got you this.
It's quirky.

Thanks, guv'nor!

I'll just put it
in me invisible sack.

Okay, I'm gonna get us
some punch.

Hey!

How are things going with you
and Jessica?

Are you two-- as they say on TV--
making a connection?

Unless that means sex, in which
case I hope you are not.

Things are great.

Actually, Jessica did mention
that she's cold.

- Could she borrow your sweater?
- Oh.

Maybe the purple one you wore last week.
I didn't see you wear it home,

so I think it's still in your locker
next to your umbrella.

- I guess I could check.
- Could you?

- That'd be great.
- Okay.

Hey, roomie.

What do you think of Kat?

Did she tell you she plays
the saw?

I thought she was
in an all-girl kazoo band?

They need a rhythm section,
duh.

Well, keep me posted.
I'm gonna go say hi to Britta.

No, don't!

Because you have something
in your teeth.

A lot of somethings.

I do?
What is it?

Ooh, I can't tell in this light.
But it's definitely there.

You should probably check it out
in the bathroom.

Maybe the second floor one?
Better light.

I will.
Thank you.

You're a good friend.

Hello, Jeffrey.

Are you enjoying the sock hop?

A sock hop Britta has
all but "Britta'd"

by not "Britta-ing"
her own dance.

Well, the night is young.

- Mm.
- By the way,

I'm surprised you let her share
the cafeteria with you.

Oh, I didn't want to.
But once she guaranteed

the presence of a certain
someone, I couldn't say no.

I wouldn't get your hopes
up for Sophie B...

- Oh, it's me.
- Shall we dance? Whoop.

- Are you reading the Bible?
- No spoilers.

I'm really hoping that things
turn around for this job guy.

So, how do I look?

Good.
Except you gotta lose the hat.

It doesn't go with
the minister's daughter.

You know what I'm doing.

Yeah.
You're on two dates at once.

I've been watching you
since you came in.

I'm not good with faces.
Is that a judgmental face

or a happy face?
- I think it's awesome.

It's one of my favorite bits,
like when a dog acts embarrassed,

or when a guy
chases after the girl

and then does that big public
declaration of love.

It's not realistic. It's taking something
private and turning it into a performance.

Well, I think
the dog's trained.

No, I was talking about
the public declaration of love...

- Oh, you're messing with me.
- Yes, I was.

So this thing's turning out to be a little
tougher than I thought. You wanna help?

I'd like to,
but I've still got like

1,200 pages left of this Bible.
Yes, of course I would.

Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.

Tonight's Sadie Hawkins dance

is brought to you
by Hawthorne Wipes.

For the little lady who knows
her place in the kitchen.

And tonight's
Sophie B. Hawkins dance

is brought to you
by Hawthorne Wipes.

Perfect for cleaning the
dashboard of your '92 Subaru.

Ah, quite a turnout, Britta.

Yep. Didn't know Sophie B.
Hawkins was so big at Greendale.

Oh, yeah.
A large percentage of Greendale

students sort of gave up
in the mid '90s,

so for many of them

Sophie B. Hawkins is the most
recent music they're aware of.

I mean, her coming here is gonna
be a huge boost to their spirits.

Great.

Whereas, her not showing up

would be enough
to push these people

to such a dark place
and really question

whether life is worth living
at all.

Okay, bye-bye.

So, how long have you been
doing Bible studies?

I mean, making miniature hats
out of duct tape?

- Oh, duct tape hat...
- Oh!

Ah!

So you've never seen any
of the Star Wars movies?

We were taught popular films
were the work of the devil.

Well, if you're talking about
the Phantom Menace,

you were taught right.

- Telegram.
- Ooh, yeah, it's urgent.

Be right back.

Pierce, Sophie B. Hawkins
isn't coming.

Everyone's gonna know
I'm a liar.

- Help me.
- Oh, Britta.

Let me tell you a story about
a friend of mine

that everyone called a liar.

His name was Bernie Madoff.

Pierce!
He was a liar.

He stole billions of dollars
from his clients.

Has this been confirmed?

Oh, my God.
I "Britta'd" it.

Bernie?

- Oh, hi, Shirley.
- Hello, Annie.

Abed seems to be having a good
time, which is all that matters.

You're right.

Looks like he made
the right choice.

He certainly did.

So, we agree.
The best woman won.

She certainly did.

He's on two dates, isn't he?

He certainly is.

This is the most fun I've ever
had on a work study gig.

And I used to run
the frozen yogurt machine

before that old guy broke it.

There's been
so many close calls.

I keep forgetting details,
using the wrong names,

- having to duck behind plants.
- Aah!

This night has been perfect.

Oh, what else is on the list?

Oh!
- Sorry.

If this were a movie, this would
be the part where we kiss.

You're right.

Except we're doing a sitcom trope,
so it'd be totally out of place.

Time to go get caught and make an
impassioned plea to the girl I really like.

I think I'm gonna go with Jessica.

She seems to be
the audience favorite.

Okay, bye.

Uh-oh.

Did you really think
you'd get away with this?

- Let me explain.
- What about wanting to grow?

Or was that just a lie so you could do
another world-famous Abed TV adventure?

These are real people
you're messing with.

Kat is over there hula-hooping
all by herself.

Abed, in the real world people
can actually get hurt.

Oh, this is great.
So, I got a request for,

"You suck at this.
Get off the stage."

Okay, I don't know if that's
the band or the song.

Again, apologies.
Changnesia.

Well, it blew up in my face,

in a slightly different way than
I planned.

- Can I help you?
- Where's Rachel?

- She said she had to go.
- Where?

I don't know.
She seemed upset.

She ran out of here without
tagging half this stuff.

I mean, whose water wings
are these?

Come back here!

Never mind.

Sorry.

I did mean what
I said about growth.

But then you were both so intent on
getting me dates, I couldn't help myself.

It was wrong, and hurtful.

I see that now.

Well, maybe setting you up
was a bad idea.

Yeah, I guess neither of our
girls were really right for you.

The worst part is that I met
a girl tonight that I really do like.

But I was so busy chasing one trope,
I missed the trope right under my nose...

That the girl I liked all along
was under my nose.

And now I've screwed things up.
I don't know if I can make them right.

Aww.

Wait.
This one's real, right?

Yeah, I'm really sad.

Aww.

Well, go find her, dummy.

Yeah, haven't you ever seen
a movie?

Sophie! Sophie! Sophie!

Sophie. Sophie. Sophie.

I hate to say I told you so,

but I'm gonna say it
to Britta's face.

Sophie! Sophie! Sophie!

What is the nature of hope?

Sophie's not coming, guys.

Boo! Boo!

Looks like someone
underestimated

the time it takes
to plan a dance.

Hey, hey, hey!
It's Sophie B. Hawkins!

Good evening!
I'm Sophie B. Hawkins.

I think you know this one.

Oh, man.

♪ That old dog has chained
you up all right ♪

♪ Give you everything
you need ♪

♪ To live inside
a twisted cage ♪

♪ Sleep beside an empty rage

Did you do this?

If it's possible
to make something happen

by willing it,
then, yes, I did.

♪ Damn, I wish
I was your lover ♪

♪ I'd rock you till
the daylight comes ♪

♪ Made sure you are smiling
and warm ♪

♪ I am everything

♪ tonight I'll be your mother

♪ I'll do such things
to ease your pain ♪

♪ Free your mind
and you won't feel ashamed ♪

♪ Oh

Pardon me, Sophie.

I have something to say.

There was a girl here tonight.
Her name was Rachel.

I met her,
and it was very pleasant.

And I made a mistake.

And now I'd very much like to continue
this conversation in private.

Wow, viva lost love.

♪ Damn

♪ I wish I was your lover

♪ I'd rock you till
the daylight comes... ♪

- You came back.
- That was pretty embarrassing.

- I had to...
- Hmm.

It was.
But I'm glad I did it.

So, would you like
to go out sometime?

I would like that.

Do you want to pretend like you're
just going out with me on a bet?

- Oh, I'd like that very much.
- Mm-hmm.

But maybe we should try
normal first.

- Sure.
- Oh!

- I prefer As I Lay Me Down.
- Me too.

I can't believe
she pulled this off.

I know.

According to dean law,
I must now give her my amulet.

- What?
- Hmm?

Well, she had a little help
from a wise old man

who was the official supplier
of moist towelettes

to the lilith fair between
1997 and 1999.

I knew it.
You're safe.

You did this?
But why?

Because, in the face
of all logic and reason,

Britta didn't back down.
That makes no sense.

Also, I didn't like the way you
were being such a jerk to her.

Well, she was acting crazy.

Yeah, but what choice
did she have?

You make fun of her, you use her
name as a synonym for screwing up.

Cut her some slack, Jeff.

She helped you reconcile
with your dad.

For Pete's sake,
let her be happy.

♪ It felt like springtime
on this February morning ♪

♪ In the courtyard birds
were singing your praise ♪

"I know it's probably
impossible to read my texts

"without them sounding
sarcastic, but...

I assure you, "this one is
as earnest as they come.

"Congratulations on
an awesome dance.

You Britta'd the hell out
of this thing."

♪ This I pray

♪ that you will hold me, dear

♪ As I lay me down to sleep

♪ this I pray

♪ that you will hold me, dear ♪

♪ Though I'm far away

♪ I'll whisper your name

♪ into the sky

Can you do one where you
wish you had ice cream?

♪ Damn I wish I had some ice cream

That's so good.

Okay, can you do one where
you wish I was Batman?

Fine. But this is the last one.

♪ Damn I wish Abed was Batman

- I love you so much!
- That is so good!

Alright, alright. You guys are taking
advantage of Mrs. Sophie Hawkins.

- But... I was gonna...
- No. But you nothing. She's an artist.

She's not here to do your bidding.

Sorry about that.

Now if you could just sing,
"Dean I Wish I Was Your Lover"

with these new lyrics.
It's for my voicemail.

- Who's Jeff Winger?
- Just sing the damn song!

Norther