Community (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 10 - Intro to Knots - full transcript

It's open!

Look at us. Our group's
first grown-up Christmas party.

Thanks for hosting.
I hope you don't mind.

I brought a few things
just to make the place

look a little less short-term
corporate housing.

Oh, well,
mi casa es su art project.

Cool.

Figured just a little
something there,

a little zhuzh right there.

Just a few things
to add a little Annie.

Annie, do we have to have
another talk



about you wanting
to play house with me?

Sha.
Sha-na-not.

I'm just decorating
for a party.

Oh, I saw these curtains,
and I couldn't resist.

Let's just live with them
for a night.

We can totally return them.
Oh, let's totally return them.

Jeff.
Live with them for one night.

Actually, these will also work
for Valentine's Day,

Presidents Day,
whenever people get to see it.

Annie, what is this?

Oh.

I know we said no gifts,

but I couldn't resist.

You realize you've just put your
friends in a very awkward position.



A gift creates obligation.

I don't see it that way.

Well, I do, and I think the
others will too. [Knock at door]

Merry Christmas.

I know we said no gifts,
but I couldn't resist.

Oh, who couldn't have seen
that coming?

Oh, Annie, I love
what you did with the place.

It's a work in progress.

Good tidings,
fellow Christmas celebrators.

And to all a good wassailing.

I know we said no gifts,
but we couldn't resist.

There's a real problem
with resistance in this group.

Hi. Thank you all so much for
inviting me to my first Christmas.

Oh, Annie explained to me that
"no gifts" means "bring gifts."

I'm getting it.
No means yes.

[Humming]

So this is Christmas.
Just this.

I was hoping we could do
a Die Hard in a restaurant.

There's a place
called Nakatomi Sushi.

I hear the Hans Grouper
is to die for.

Come on, people, it's all spelled out in
your evites. I know you opened them.

Oh, I brought gifts.

Does Annie live here now?

Okay.

Now that we're all here...

Oh, wait.
Where's Pierce?

Oh, sensitivity training
with Gilbert.

Apparently watching Invictus
didn't do the trick.

Oh. Okay.

Well, now that we are all here,

I have some good news
and some bad news.

Great.
Black licorice?

I have to start
with the bad news.

It's about our history paper.

I heard through back channels
we got a failing grade.

- All: What?
- Kendra told me.

She does assistant work
for Professor cornwallis.

I'll bet she does.

We failed?
This is terrible.

I need that paper to graduate.

Who screwed up their section?

- Jeff, it doesn't matter.
- No, it matters to me.

I want to know who cost me
my early graduation.

- I didn't do anything wrong.
- I worked really hard.

Guys, there's no need
to point fingers,

because I haven't told you
the good news.

I invited the Professor
to our party tonight.

- Annie!
- What? How is that better?

No, no, Annie's right.
This could work.

I mean, the grade isn't etched
in stone.

I mean, these British guys like
to socialize with their students.

We just need to show him
a good time,

laugh at his jokes, love whatever he
loves, and by the end of the night

I bet you we can get that grade
back up to a "C".

Who knows?
Maybe even an "A".

Or something realistic.

And just like that
our pleasant holiday party

turned into a tense,
high-stakes secret mission.

No costumes.
No funny voices.

- Oh.
- Okay.

But, for the purpose
of story symmetry,

I suggest we wait here silently
until the Professor arrives.

It's the only real plot point
we need next.

Oh, what...
this is ridic...

[Doorbell rings]

♪ Give me some rope ♪

♪ Tie me to dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope ♪

♪ To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said ♪
♪ it can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up ♪

♪ Tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons ♪
♪ I should stay ♪

♪ One by one, ♪
♪ they all just fade away ♪

All: Hi!

I'm sorry.
I can't stay long.

I've got my daughter in town.

Didn't want to appear rude.

Was I expected to bring a gift?

No.
Nor was anyone else.

Can I show you around,
starting with the bar?

A lovely place.
Very feminine.

[Gasps]

Did you hear him use
"feminine" as an insult?

Typical phallo-centric
worldview.

I bet he gave us a failing grade
because he could tell my section

was written
by a strong, independent...

Would you excuse me?
I've just seen an old friend.

Hurry back soon.

Hey, Abed,
got you an early Christmas gift.

I know you were bummed about not
doing Die Hard in a restaurant.

And your recent divorce.

To Abed:
Yippee-ki-yay, Father Christmas.

I tried to get you "taking off shoes,"
but I didn't know how to wrap it.

John McClane's tank top?

You're getting really good
at Christmas, Troy.

- Ooh, things I've never seen before.
- It's Macallan Eighteen.

I like to serve it neat
if that's okay with you?

What, in America?

Don't you mix it
with cherry pop or

Monterey Jack cheese?

Professor,
these are melon slices with ham.

And asparagus
wrapped in salmon.

I see somebody's
been attempting tapas.

Oh, that would be me.

I think cuisine is like
a window into history.

I believe it was the hun...

Actually, you know,
I was talking to the ladies.

Both: Oh.

Well, I'll let... I'll leave
you three be, all right?

Britta.

Look, the Professor
seems to be responding

to things that I don't have,

so you gotta get in there
and jiggle something.

He hates me.

He called me Broken
Barbie all year.

Well, we're all gonna have to work it
if we're gonna get that grade changed.

Be honest.
Your section sucked, right?

No way. I read an entire book
on the Peloponnesian War.

Wow.
You pronounced it right.

Then someone else had to tank
it for us to get that "F".

Someone else?

- Can you keep a secret?
- Yeah.

- I blew my section off.
- What?

Well, there was a secret Tom Waits
show in town, so I did the math.

There's seven sections
to the paper.

Annie gets an "A", Pierce buys
his from Neil, so that's solid.

And then you guys get
"B"s and "C"s,

so, I figured if my
section gets an "F",

the worst we could end up
with is a "C-minus."

So you just left
your section blank?

No, of course not.

I copied and pasted the lyrics
to War, What Is It Good For?

- Good God.
- Shh.

Your friends
were counting on you.

Well, that's their fault.

I have carefully cultivated a persona
that screams, "you're on your own."

That's my judgey face.

Noted.
I'll make it right.

I'm going back in.

- How's it going?
- Well, he asked me to get

my fit bum to the kitchen
for a refill,

so that's good, right?

Kevin's showing him
a card trick.

What?

Oh, God.

Is this a card?

No, it isn't.
Queen of Hearts.

No, I'm asking, is this a card?

Hey, Kevin, did you know
that we have bubble wrap?

- What?
- Poppy poppy paper.

I so enjoy that.
Do you mind if I pop some?

Oh, go crazy.

Changnesia.

I mean,
why do you indulge that idiot?

Oh, I, too, was skeptical
at first,

but now I actually have
some sympathy.

I believe
it was Tacitus who said...

You know, Mr. Winger,
your pathetic attempts

to suck up to me
are a wee bit transparent.

I mean, I can only surmise
that it's something to do

with the "C-minus" I gave you
for that final paper.

"C-minus"?

Oh, thank you.
Is this the...

If you'll excuse us.

Annie, he's giving us
a "C-minus."

- Right.
- A "C-minus" is not a failing grade.

To me, it is.

I'm on a Valedictorian track,

and a "C-minus" means I fail
to get Valedictorian.

You ruined our Christmas dinner

so you could be crowned the smartest
person at the dumbest school?

Look, the only reason I agreed

to kiss
that pompous anglo's ass

was because I thought
we were getting an "F".

Good news, Mr. Winger.

You may remove your lips
from my buttocks,

because you have in fact succeeded
in changing your grade.

- It's now an "F".
- What?

You're "F" -ing us?

Professor, if you could
just give us a minute,

this has been
a terrible misunderstanding,

and I'm sure we can get
this whole thing sorted out.

Bedroom.
Now.

Jeff just got us an "F".

- I thought we had an "F".
- No, we were lied to.

This isn't fun.
That guy's creepy.

Yeah, if there's a human version
of Scrooge McDuck, this guy is it.

This wouldn't have happened
if Jeff hadn't taunted him.

No, it wouldn't have happened
if you hadn't decided

a "C-minus" isn't good enough.

When are you gonna grow up
and realize

that grades don't matter
outside of school?

That's a lie they tell dumb people when
they're fitting them for work boots.

All we needed
was a passing grade,

and we had it until you
dragged us into this mess.

- Judgey face.
- All right.

I will talk to him, man to man,

and try to get
our "C-minus" back.

Ah!

Annie, it's the best
we can do right now.

- Let me handle this.
- Let go of me,

you big, hairy nutter!

I'm proving my worth
to you guys.

Do you want me to kill him?

- Kevin bad!
- I have Changnesia.

I'm not a dog.

Professor, we're so sorry.

Obviously,
Kevin made a mistake.

Or did he?

Why are you
"or did he" -ing him?

I'm just saying the Professor
can't get any more tied up,

and we can't get any less
than an "F",

so let's just take a beat
and think this through.

Okay, this is way better
than Die Hard in a restaurant.

So what exactly
is your plan here, Mr. Winger?

I mean, I'm certainly
not gonna change your grade,

and it'll take several days
to starve me

as I really loaded up
on that dreadful tapas.

Oh, but you already
have changed it, Professor.

You just dropped it to an "F",

thereby proving the work on the page
is not the only factor you consider.

And now, thanks to Kevin's
complete misreading

of the situation, we have
our moment of maximum leverage,

so let's just talk
about this "F".

Maybe it can come up
to a "C-minus," or, who knows,

perhaps an "A".

This is actually a felony.

I mean, I will call the police,

and you will all go to jail.

Let me explain to you
why you won't do that.

First, he's tied up.

First, you're tied up,
and second,

who can really be sure
what happened in this apartment?

Maybe you attacked one of us.

Oh, really?
Where are the signs of struggle?

- Oh.
- You were full of scotch

when things took a dark turn.

We'd all heard about your troubles
with co-eds back at Oxford,

but it was becoming
all too real.

As you lumbered around the room,
we had to assume

you were coming after me
or Britta.

Ah-ah-ahem!

Or Shirley,

who I didn't mention earlier, because
she intimidates you sexually.

- Thank you.
- Point being,

let's just take the idea of the police
off the table, shall we, Professor?

Fine. You think you can hold this group
together without anyone cracking?

Oh, we're solid.

Empires are always destroyed
from within.

And I can prove it to you from the
comparative comfort of this tacky chair.

I will give an "A" right now

to the first person
that unties me.

The rest of you will fail.

[All shouting]

Stay where you are.

This is amazing and
possibly all in real time.

Everybody, stop it.
No one listen to him.

The Professor's job
is to make us turn

on one another.
We hold all the cards

as long as we stay united.

And, Kevin, you're one of us.

- Thank you.
- All right.

Who will be the betrayer...

the type-a lolita,

the put-upon housewife...
- Is that me?

Or how about you,
the odd, emotionless Muslim?

I mean, come on,
you don't deserve an "F".

And you know that,
because of your impairment,

they'll forgive you anyway.

All true, but I'm probably
not your best target.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to get some popcorn.

Typically, it takes a while
for villains to ramp up.

Promise not to monologue
till I get back?

Give it up, Professor.
You got nothing.

Oh, I've got plenty.

Why don't we just let him go
and be done with this?

It's Christmas.
We have gifts to unwrap.

Don't you see? We can't now
or someone will get the "A".

No one wants to screw the group.

Oh, you see that, Professor?

Your offer actually made it
harder for you to get untied,

because no one wants
to be the betrayer.

Beware the Ides of March,
Mr. Winger.

Everyone wants to be
the betrayer.

What the hell is your game?

I'm trying
to teach you history.

Your failure will be the same
as any self-obsessed nation.

You only care about each other
when you're winning.

The Romans loved Rome when it
was raping half the world,

but when Hannibal
came charging over the Alps,

the Romans turned on themselves

as quickly as you can say,
"e pluribus unum."

I'm pretty sure it's "anus."

Usually, the cracks are hidden
within the alliances.

So let's see.

In any group of seven,

there's bound to be
some romantic entanglements.

See, I've noticed
that the damaged blonde

is dating
the childish black one,

I wonder, does anyone
take issue with that pairing?

You're fishing, Professor. No one has
anything against Britta and Troy dating.

And that's coming from Jeff,
and we used to date, so...

Britta, information is ammo.

And what we did was not dating.

- Uh.
- Ah. A little friction.

That usually indicates heat.

Heat?
There's no heat.

If there was heat, I'd be nervous, and,
if I was nervous, I'd be rambling,

and I'm definitely not rambling,
so there's no heat.

Ah, well, I think
we found our triangle.

Thank you
and welcome to the party, Troy.

- He knows my name.
- Guys, keep it together.

[Microwave beeps]

[Chuckles]

I missed something great,
didn't I?

Enough. It's time to stop
arsing about and get serious.

So let's hear it
from the one person

who needs that "A" the most

and can't possibly abide
by an "F",

the one person on pace
to become class Valedictorian.

I would never turn
against the group.

I'm not talking
about you, Miss Edison.

What?
Abed?

Jeff?
Is it me?

Oh, my God, Britta?

First of all, it's me, and, second
of all, you put Britta ahead of me?

None taken.

Oh, my God, Shirley.

- Why didn't you ever tell me about it?
- I didn't think it was a competition.

Oh, of course
you'd play it that way

so I wouldn't be expecting...

A church-going mother of three
to be smart, huh?

So, Miss Edison,
it's decision time, isn't it?

Annie, don't listen to him.

You know you can't make
Valedictorian with an "F",

and you can eliminate your
competition in one easy step.

What else do you have
to lose, my dear?

I mean, these people,
they're not here to support you.

I mean, they already hate you
for this disaster of a party.

Not this guy.

No.

I can't.

Give it up, Professor.
You've fired all your bullets.

No, I've got
one more bullet left,

and it's a doozy.

Mr. Winger, would you like
to tell your friends

why they did so poorly on
this paper, or shall I?

- Jeff?
- Jeff?

Jeffrey.

I tanked my section.

I knew you guys
would all work hard, so

I just coasted.

- Tom Waits was...
- Ah!

- Ow.
- You cost me Valedictorian.

He cost me Valedictorian.
That was my punch.

[All shouting]

Tom waits!
[Doorbell rings]

Oh, my God.

Jeff, do you have
any milk duds?

Jeffrey, I know
you're in there.

[Sing song]
I can smell you.

- Did I have the game on too loud?
- Is everything okay?

I was just spending an evening

with my two irresistible lady
friends, Rizzoli and Isles,

when I heard...
wait a minute.

What the hell
is going on in here?

- All: No, don't!
- I can explain.

No explanation necessary.

Next time you decide to have
a party without me, Jeffrey,

at least have the decency
to do it when I'm in spin class.

I'm a blast at
holiday-themed parties.

- Where the hell is he?
- Professor? Did he leave?

Why in God's name
would I leave?

[All scream]

This is just getting
interesting.

Now, one of you untied me.

I wonder who it was.

Who is the Benedict Arnold,

the true hero of this story?

Oh, no, what's gonna happen when
we find out who betrayed us?

I wonder why you're so scared.

It wasn't me.

Can we just say
a ghost did it again?

We're gonna find out who
did it when we get our grade.

No, we'll have to find out now.

Otherwise,
the lesson isn't complete.

But the lesson
is complete, Professor.

You know what you taught us
tonight?

That, yes, empires fall, but

we're no empire.

We're just a bunch
of flawed, selfish people.

And that's not our weakness.

It's our strength.

The one thing
that we can count on

at any given moment
is that the six of us

are paying for a mistake
made by one of us.

And that means, at any given moment,
one of us is screwing up so badly,

that he or she is gonna forgive
whoever screws up next.

Now I'm gonna do something
that Octavian never would...

yeah, I read the book.

I'm gonna say that
whoever untied the Professor...

I don't give a crap.

Because whoever it was,

I know it was
some flawed, selfish, weak,

hopeless soul like me.

Exactly what the betrayer
would say.

Fine, dick, if it was me,

I'm gonna lose my "A"
by tying you up again.

Ow!

[All shouting]

Get over here.

That's hurting.
That's hurting.

[Cackles]

Now, if you'll excuse us,
we have some gifts to open.

Ooh, mine first, mine first.

Milady.

Mm, Kevin, did you wrap
these presents yourself?

Once again, I'm not a dog.

Zoink.

Doink.

Kevin, how do you tie a knot?

Really simple.

So you go...

Make a little rabbit ear
like so,

then the kids go marching
down the well.

Oh... my... God.

Professor,
you were never tied up.

What?

What do you want me to say?

What do you want me to say?

That I did it
because I'm lonely?

That my daughter isn't in town?

That she never comes to see me because
she finds me too manipulative?

Or you could say you're sorry
for the whole thing.

Yes, I suppose
that would be accurate.

And that, as compensation
for the mental anguish

you caused us,
you'll give us an "A".

Jeff.
Overreaching?

Fair enough.

Maybe you can grade
us separately.

That way, Shirley and Annie
can get their "A" s.

No, Jeffrey,
he can give us an "F"

or you can give us an "A",

but we should all get
the same grade.

God's sake, don't rub it in.

Very well.
Seeing as you saved me

from my yearly Christmas
tradition of plum pudding,

roasted goose,
and updating my suicide note...

[Chuckles]

I suppose...

I could give you a "C".

- Oh.
- Uh.

Plus.

[Cheers, chatter]

Merry Christmas.

All: Merry Christmas.

[Jingle Bell Rock playing]

♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪

♪ Jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bells swing ♪

♪ And jingle bells ring. ♪

Annie!

Oh, my God.

Wow.
That's really great.

All right.
♪ Jingle bell ♪

Oh, poppy poppy paper.

♪ Jingle bells chime ♪

No, there's a gift in there.

Yeah.

Buttered noodles.
My favorite.

Oh!

By the way, I didn't get anyone
gifts, so my gift to you all

is you get to lord it over me
for the next year.

No, stupid, a gift
doesn't create an obligation.

It's the obligation
that's a gift.

I gotta drop a deuce.

See you guys.

Hey, it's Chang.

No, they're not expelled.

I have to do something else.

[Popping]

Oh, how could I have stayed mad
at you, guys?

Here, I was gonna save these
for the real Christmas Day,

but these guys
were getting antsy.

Hi, there.

Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.

Oh!
[Chuckles]

August.

And this one is James.

And this one is Fiona.

And these two guys are Jeffrey.

At nice times like this,

I wonder what's happening
in the darkest timeline.

Timeline?

Abed, there are
no dark timelines.

Your honor,
I may not have a right arm,

but I am armed
with what's right.

My client Miss Edison did rob
several drug stores,

and, yes, she did stab
several pharmacists,

but let's talk
about the bigger crime,

that someone so beautiful
has been removed from society.

Miss Edison,
you are hereby released

from Greendale Insane Asylum.

Are you sure you don't have a
problem with our age difference?

Yeah, I wish
you were even younger.

Now, come on,
the others are waiting.

We've got a prime timeline
to destroy.

[Evil laughter]