Community (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 11 - Basic Human Anatomy - full transcript

Come on, guys, I got class
in 15 minutes.

This should not be
that difficult.

We just need to figure out an idea
for our final history project.

What we need to figure out

is Greendale's obsession
with group assignments.

[Scoffs]

Classic herd mentality.

All right, Britta
doesn't have one. Who else?

I've been told
I look like a Kennedy.

Nope, not an idea.
That's a statement.

Anyone not on medication?



Jeff, we have
to take this seriously.

This assignment?
This, we have to take seriously?

"Pick any moment from history
and tell me about it.

"Be as creative as you want.
Or not. I don't care.

Professor Cornwaaa--"

He didn't even finish
signing his name.

Okay, yes,
he phoned this one in,

but my run at Valedictorian
is in jeopardy.

- As is mine.
- As is Shirley's,

and I just took one
for the team

by accepting that C-plus
on our last history paper.

- As did I.
- As did Shirley.

So I'd think you'd want to rise to the
occasion and help get me back on top.

- Or me.
- Shirley,



I'm speaking
for both you and me.

Then, you might want to teach your mouth
how to say "we," "our," and "us."

I've been told
I look like a Kennedy.

Nope, still just a random
statement, and still useless.

Okay.
How about this?

- We do a series of banners--
- Great, it's settled.

You don't even know
what I'm going to say!

Don't need to.
Tomorrow is Friday,

and I have no intention
of being here late.

Your banner thing
sounds doable,

and this assignment?
Passable, so passable.

And passable
assures my graduation,

so we are doing doable
and passable.

Uh, speaking of tomorrow,
Troy and Britta,

have you decided what you're gonna
do for your one-year anniversary?

Both: Of?

Your first date?

- Oh!
- Da-doy.

Yeah! [Scoffs]

- That was a test, and you failed.
- I was just kidding.

You guys are dating?
Man!

Somebody's sure working her way
around the table.

Aren't you?

Well, you should really
do something special,

- something romantic.
- Mm-hmm.

Like go back to Senor Kevin's
for lunch, where it all began.

[Giggles]

Yeah, sure.

We could do that.

Sure, that sounds fun.

Speaking of anniversaries,

it is the third anniversary
of me and Abed

watching Freaky Friday
for the first time.

Both: Oh...
That, you remember?

Movie Trolley is having an "End of the
Video Store Chain Industry" sale,

so I got you a six-pack
of "body switching" movies

and a two-year-old box of Raisinets,
all for under five bucks.

Whoo!

All right, man.
Change Up.

13 Going On 30, 17 Again,
18 Again, Vice Versa.

[Clatter]
[Gasps]

- Judge Reinhold.
- Both: Oh.

Freaky Friday.

[Stilted] Oh, Troy,
you are so thoughtful.

I wish I had the capacity
for sentimentality like you do.

[Stilted] Me?
I wish I was more like you.

No emotional hang-ups,
endless cool adventures.

You have it so easy.

No, you do, Troy.

No, you do, Abed.

Both: I wish I could switch
places with you for just one day!

[Babbling gibberish]

- Ah!
- Oh.

Sorry.
Routine light switch check.

[Sighs]

- Oh.
- I thought that would work.

Yeah, we're all floored
it didn't.

♪ Give me some rope ♪

♪ Tie me to dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope ♪

♪ To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said ♪
♪ it could be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up ♪

♪ Tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count ♪
♪ the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one, ♪
♪ they all just fade away ♪

Mmm. Good morning.

Oh, and, um...

happy one-year
anniversary.

[Direct, as Abed]
Yes. That would be this day.

Look, I know that
it was awkward yesterday.

They pointed it out
and we didn't remember, but--

[Scoffs]

that doesn't mean that
we should feel pressure

to make some big deal
out of it, right?

No, I'm looking forward to it.

Super looking forward to it.
I'm just saying...

Yeah.

Same page.

Excuse me.

Hey, buddy, wake up!

Remember yesterday, when we faked a body
switching thing and it didn't work?

Well, now,
it's actually worked.

- So, right now--
- I'm you and you're me.

[Emoting, as Troy] Oh, my God.

This is wrinkling my brain!
And of all the days!

I got my big, important meeting
with my study group.

Me too.

Oh, boy.
Here goes nothing.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Huh.

Okay,
so we're telling the story

of the American revolution
through banners.

Everyone is responsible
for one.

To maximize efficiency,
I've designated areas:

Colored pencils and markers,
paints, puffy paint--

Yes, there's a difference.

Decoupage and glitter,
a-a-and...

this is the approval station,

where Shirley and I will decide whether
you have to start over or not.

Annie, remember.
We're doing doable and passable.

We're doing whatever it takes
to help us...

- Thank you.
- ...beat Leonard.

Wait, Leonard is now the front
runner for Valedictorian?

You're getting beat by Leonard?

- [Chuckles] He's so old.
- All right.

Yes, we slipped below Leonard,

but Annie and I are a close
three and two, respectively.

[Low] Annie is the three.

That is what "respectively"
suggests.

[Mumbling]

Mm-hmm.

- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

[Chuckles]

Whoa! That was weird.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

We didn't mean to do that.
We know exactly where we sit.

Um, what's going on
with you guys?

Both: Oh, thank God,
you noticed.

Remember when we pretended
to switch bodies yesterday?

Unfortunately, yes, dorks.

Well, it really happened.
I'm actually Abed.

- And I'm actually Troy.
- All right.

I don't care who's who.

We're all here,
and that's all I need

to complete
this passable project

in a doable amount of time.

Wish we could help, Jeff, but in order
to switch back, we have to recreate

the exact moment
that all this happened,

- but the DVD is missing.
- Of course it is.

So now, I have to find it

while Troy goes on
an anniversary date with Britta.

What?

[Mimics gunshot]

Oh, hey. Here's a
fun sci-fi thing.

How about you make a banner as Troy
and you make a banner as Abed,

and we'll be done
within the hour.

Uh, per banner, if we're lucky.

And that's
if we want an "A."

Okay, you two need
to let go of the pressure

you're putting on this project
to get an "A."

Both: I deserve
to be number one!

Sorry. Or me!

Sorry.

- I have to go talk to Troy.
- Yes, please.

Tell your boyfriend and his
boyfriend that playtime is over.

Annie, Shirley, go find out
what's keeping Leonard on top.

And Abed won't switch back
until we get that DVD.

I'll deal with that.

And then,
we are meeting back here

and getting up
into some puffy paint

and doing our doable,
passable banners!

What do you want me to do?

Stay alive.

Or don't.

I'm on it.

Wait, Troy!

- I'm Abed.
- Oh, right.

Uh, "Troy,"
could you please excuse us?

You were weird this morning,
and now, well, weirder.

Are we still on
for Senor Kevin's

or are you guys doing
this whole switchy thing?

Actually, he's kind of
going through some stuff.

Oh.

Is he having some issues

that he's having trouble
dealing with?

Yeah, he kind of needs this,
so he's really laying into it.

Oh, so he might need
an almost therapist.

Perhaps I'll pencil him in
for a session,

you know,
after my date with Troy.

See you later, Abed.

- Dean, I need you.
- [Gasps]

It's happening.
Shut the door.

- What?
- Hmm?

Dean, I need you to give
this DVD to Troy and Abed.

Oh, I love those movies!

They should make more of them.
They're a timeless tale.

Why can't you give it to them?

Troy and Abed think
they switched bodies

while holding
onto a Freaky Friday DVD,

which, of course,
is now mysteriously missing,

and they can't switch back
until they find it.

Now, I'd give them
this one myself,

but they'll think
that I bought it, which I did.

Wait.

How did they switch bodies?

[Scoffs]

Well, they held
onto the DVD and said...

Both: I wish I could switch
places with you for just one day.

Oh! Oh!

Oh... Ah!
[Gasps]

Sorry.
Routine light switch check.

That is not a thing!

What?

[Deep, as Jeff]
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

I'm you?

What?
No! You're not.

Of course.
It's fricking Friday.

There's no justification
to be made,

because it can't happen,
weirdo.

Whatever, Dean.
Now, please leave your office

so I can start to work on your
weird body that I'm now stuck in!

You're not even
holding a phone!

So, Troy...

how's Abed coping?

I mean, with his day in your body?

You'd have to ask him.
I, for one, am freaked.

Look at his arms and legs.

He's like the pick-up sticks
of people.

Do you think he's trying
to hide from something

he's not understanding?

If you're worried about Abed,
you should talk to him.

Right.
I should talk to him.

Well, well, well.
John "Mc-Lame."

Never thought
I'd see your face again.

Back for more, huh?

I'm sorry, back for what?

Punishment.

Last time I saw you, you got
your panties all in a wad

'cause I said Die Hard
was a suckfest of a movie.

[Forced] Wait, what?
You hate Die Hard?

That sounds insane to me.

It is, without a doubt,

the most unnecessary movie
ever made.

I'm not
who you think I am, man.

What else do you hate
about the movie?

'Cause I would love to hear
all of your opinions.

[Laughing] Well, I mean,
where to even start?

It's riddled with plot holes.
There's no logic to it.

I would rather watch a napkin
sit and do nothing all day

than to even endure the trailer
for Die Hard!

Wow, that's hatred.

Babe, we should order.

I'm both starving and
another word for wanting food.

Troy!

Oh, thank God,
you've come to your senses.

You answered to Troy.

We're in public.
I have to. I'm Abed.

Of course you are.

Well, Abed, I found the DVD.
You can switch back now.

[Chuckles]

Nice try. That's the remake.

In the original, the mom
and daughter simply exclaimed,

"I wish I could switch places with
you for just one day," like we did.

In that one,
there's a magic fortune cookie.

Oh, I always wondered
what the differences were.

Listen, why don't I pitch you
a remake of a remake,

where my magic mouth
tells you drop the act

because Abed isn't even here.

Then, you cough up the DVD

and we go tell Abed
you're back in your own bodies,

so we can go do doable
and passable banners.

First, that's a terrible movie.

Second, I understand why you're
frustrated, it's in your nature,

but this is happening.

This happened.
So, unless we find that DVD--

Oh, no, let's go find this DVD.

By all means,
let's waste more of my life.

Now, we were the last ones to
leave the study room last night.

Maybe one of the janitors
took it.

Great.
Let's go find that janitor.

Maybe you can switch bodies with
him, or maybe with his magic mop--

Stop pitching.
It's not your thing.

You're right, that's ridiculous,
unlike what we're doing.

[Knocking at the door]

Dean?

Yeah, come in.

I'd stop what I'm doing, but then
I'd be depriving you of the view.

You're welcome.
What's up?

Um, is this a bad time?

Uh, I'm in Greendale,
stuck in the body

of a man who could be
Gollum's shadow,

so yeah,
I'd say it's half past suck.

[Laughs]

Totally.

"Half past suck."
That's funny.

Okay.
That's creepy.

Uh, Dean.

We're losing to Leonard
in the race of Valedictorian,

and we were wondering
if we could take a peek

at his transcripts to see
how that is even possible.

- Are you serious?
- Mm.

You mean put my integrity
on the line?

You want me to jeopardize
the very reputation

of this school that
I've spent so long protecting?

You're right.
We're sorry.

And that is what I would be
saying if I gave a crap.

Awesome!

Ah, here's the answer.

Back in 1968, Leonard got an "A"
in Rotary Phone Maintenance.

Since then, he's been taking
every other class pass/fail

to keep a perfect G.P.A.

Well, what does this mean?

It means we're taking
an old man down.

[Gasps]

Ooh.

You're welcome.

- What is wrong with you?
- I don't know.

How's your bean burrito?

Good. Thank you
for ordering for me.

I know what you always get.

- Yeah, you know me so well.
- I know a lot about you.

I know you grind your teeth
at night, it keeps me up.

- I know about your tattoo.
- Which one?

The Greenpeace one you haven't gotten
yet because you're afraid of needles.

Did Troy tell you these things?

I am Troy.

Well, it must upset Abed

to hear all of this
relationship talk.

- He doesn't seem to care.
- Maybe.

But maybe he doesn't like
talking to you about us.

I could see that
causing him to act out.

Nah, I don't see that.

I don't think
he's that invested in us.

- But he talks to you about us.
- I talk to him.

What do you say
when you talk to him about us?

Do you tell him
that things are good?

I don't know.

Are they?

- Well, what you think?
- Well,

I guess I wonder why we didn't
remember our anniversary.

- Not everybody's Annie.
- No, but I don't know.

Seems like, you know, that
would be special to us, like,

especially if things were good.

- Something we'd want to celebrate.
- Well, we are.

Are we?

[Laughter]
Yes, Lord Brickell,

I was indeed
down by the stables.

Damn, man.
You ever heard of knocking?

Yup, just heard it,
when I did it a second ago.

They've seen too much!
Let's kill them!

Stand down, crazy Schmidt.

What we're doing here
is none of their business.

We're having murder mystery
night during the day.

I was fine with
"None of your business."

We're looking
for a Freaky Friday DVD.

Oh, I love those movies.
They should make more of those--

Nope. We left it
in study room "F" last night.

Well, everything we find goes
straight to the lost and found.

Great, show us.

And the "Wasting My Life" tour
continues.

Leonard!

We just looked
at your transcript.

I knew this day would come.
I'm outta here.

There you go.
My work here is done.

You're one and two again.

Now, you can direct your anger
and resentment at each other.

Congrats.

- Classic wrap-up.
- Shut up, Leonard!

I've got a picture
of your old nose!

- It was a lateral move!
- Dean!

[Turned on] Dean...

- Annie.
- Why is this happening?

Holy--makes complete sense
at this school!

FYI, one of these piles
is load-bearing,

so, uh, yeah, watch that.

Jeez.

This is gonna be harder
than I thought.

This DVD isn't gonna
find itself.

And neither are we, Troy,
because it's not in here,

and you know that.

This is dumb.

Why are you so committed
to this bit?

If you're really
a friend to Abed, to me,

then you'll end it, now.

Sorry.

I have to keep going, for Troy.

You don't have to dig
through all this stuff. I will.

I know it isn't your problem.

I'm just glad I'm here.

This is the sweeter end
of the deal.

Troy still has to go
on his date with Britta.

I don't understand
this whole relationship thing

or why Troy would even
want to be in one.

How long
have you felt this way?

Or at least,

how long have you
been talking to Abed about this?

Not that long.

It's more lately, I guess.

It's felt different,

like we're working at it
too hard.

And he doesn't think
it should be.

It should be easy,
but he says it isn't.

It feels like we're
just going through the motions.

Because he's afraid
if he doesn't, it just ends.

Then what?

What if they're
not friends anymore?

He'd hate that.
He'd hate himself.

I don't want to lose
what we had.

So he's here, at this point,
not knowing how to talk to her,

not knowing how to tell her
that he wants to break up.

Wait, are you
breaking up with me?

I think so?

I'm sorry, Jeff. I shouldn't
have brought you down here.

Into any of this.

Especially for a bit.
I know you don't respect them.

That's true. They're dumb,
and I stand by that,

but committing to them isn't.

I wish I had the courage to
commit to a bit like you, Abed,

or to a relationship,
like Troy.

Committing is hard,

because we're all scared
of what happens

when we find out we committed
to the wrong thing,

but there's no shame
in what Troy's done.

He put himself out there
and he really tried,

and that proves he cares.

That said,
and as hard as it may seem,

right now, Troy needs
to show he cares.

He needs to put himself
out there and own how he feels.

That...

proves he's a man.

So...

Yeah, I don't think
this is the way

either of us
thought this would go.

No,

I can't say that I did.

I mean, not this,

not us here.

[Sighs]

But I can say that
whenever you guys switch back

to your original bodies,
I want to thank Abed

for being such a good friend
to both of us.

Troy, wait.

Don't do it like this.

I understand why
you had to go high concept,

because you're scared,
but Britta deserves better.

Troy,

it's time.

Both: I wish
I had my own body back!

[Babbling gibberish]

Sorry,
routine light switch check.

[Babbling continues]

- Oh.
- Hmm.

Oh, I've been meaning
to see this.

First, the easiest part,
because it's the most obvious.

I'm sorry.

I think I proved today
that I'm not ready for this.

I wanted it to work.
I did.

I care about you so much,

and I love being around you.

I just think I'm better
as your friend,

because that I know
I can be good at.

So I'm number two again,
which is what it is.

But you know, if I'm not
going to be Valedictorian,

- I'm glad it will be you.
- Mm, me too.

You mean you hope it's
me if it's not you,

or that you're glad it's you?

Yes.

Thanks for everything
you did for me today.

I'm sorry I pulled you into it.

That was my problem, not yours.

It's the best way someone's
ever woken me up in my life.

How was lunch?

It was good.
It really was.

I'll tell you about it later.

Oh, there you are.

I got bored waiting, so I went
ahead and did our whole project.

[Chuckles]

Pierce, no offense,

but banners are kind of
my specialt--oh.

Holy--makes no sense
whatsoever.

Whole thing
took 25 minutes tops.

All: Huh.

Early weekend?
Early weekend? Early weekend?

Guys, I need to apologize
for my behavior today.

When I switched bodies
with Jeffrey...

- Nope.
- I thought I knew

what it would be like
to have Jeffrey inside of me...

- That did not happen.
- But as it turns out,

- having Jeffrey inside of me...
- Nope again.

...only brought out
the worst in me.

Which is to say,
having Jeffrey inside of me...

- No one was inside of anyone!
- ...was wrong...

- to have Jeffrey inside of me.
- Shut up!

So I'm sorry.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I scolded Leonard today,

and according
to Greendale bylaws,

I now have to grant him
three wishes.

Um, we need to get scolded
by the Dean immediately.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, man. Football is fun.
That is an interest I have.

Also plumbing and air conditioning
are things I think about.

Come on, what are we...
what's happening?

- I'm sorry, keep rolling.
- Okay, come on.

- Feetball's... feetball?
- Feetball?

- Did I say...
- Dorks!

Stop doing outtakes.
You switched your bodies last week.

Hey guys, I just wanna apologize...

Oh my God.
Hey, Dean, walk much, am I right?

I'm sorry, I never do this.

Dean, we stopped playing outtakes.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, we did that.

Oh, no worries.
Thanks for including me.

Ohhh!
No, still not doing it.