Community (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 12 - Heroic Origins - full transcript

Hmm.

Shirley, did you ever
date Roger Ebert?

- Excuse me?
- Nothing.

Britta, did you ever
take pictures of your feet

and post them on the Internet for money?
- Sha-ha! No.

Guys, this history final
is going to be killer.

We have to study.

It's no fair Professor Cornwallis
turned all hard-assed again.

Lucky Pierce.

Donating his kidney to
Gilbert to get out of it.

I never thought
he'd be that generous.



Although, he did seem disappointed
that the operation didn't involve

sleeping with a Russian woman, then
waking up in a bathtub full of ice.

- Hmm.
- Guys! - Hmm?

- History!
- I am studying history.

- I'm studying our history.
- Abed!

Nobody bite.

We agreed no biting.

But, Jeff,
it's a graduation gift.

You see, on the surface we seem
like just a group of people

from diverse backgrounds who
have become unlikely friends.

But according to my research,

our paths have
crossed many times.

We were destined to meet.
Like a team of superheroes.

This



- is our origin story.
- And here... we... go.

Abed, we don't have
origin stories.

We have lives.

Well, at least--

yep, just me.

So you're saying we're all connected
like the classic French film trilogy

Bleu, Blanc, Rouge?

No, like something
more accessible.

- Like Unbreakable.
- Wow.

Abed, I know it's
disappointing to you,

but we're not superheroes.

This is the real world,
not some comic book adventure.

I've done it.
I've infiltrated the school.

I've learned its secrets.

I've gained everyone's trust.

And now, on the anniversary
of my empire's destruction,

vengeance will be mine.

No, vengeance will be ours.

Okay, can you stop that?
It really creeps me out.

I'm sorry.
Just really love this thing.

Skymall.

♪ Give me some rope

♪ tie me to dream

♪ give me the hope

♪ to run out of steam

♪ somebody said
it can be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up

♪ tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ one by one,
they all just fade away ♪

I've been doing exhaustive
research into our lives.

Once I find the last
one or two missing pieces,

I'll have conclusive proof that
we were all destined to meet.

This is how
we're all connected.

I call it the crazy quilt
of destiny

mainly because the loom of
fate was already taken.

- Really?
- Look.

I don't care what tricks
or nonsense you have

in your scrapbook,
Martha Stewart,

but there's no way you're
gonna get me to believe

there's some outside force
controlling my destiny.

And I think you used
that particular phrasing

because I know
you've seen Star Wars.

Everybody's seen Star Wars.

Yes, but you first saw it when
it was re-released in 1982

at the Greendale Palladium
at 4:15 in the afternoon.

And it was the best time
you ever had with your father.

How did you know that?

You keep this ticket stub
in your wallet.

Abed, you can't--

- Give it back!
- Whoa!

Our story begins in
the distant mists of a lost era:

2008.

I know you're all
wondering how I do it.

How do I balance straight As,
extracurriculars,

and Israeli folk dancing
every Friday night?

It's a simple matter of

organization,

dedication, and...

And we're back!

Then I drink your milkshake.

Ah, that will never get old.

You guys gotta see my Juno.

Hey, Troy.

So I heard you weren't
doing that great in algebra,

and you know,
if you need a tutor for math,

I'd be happy to help.

I'm being recruited by
colleges to play football.

- Oh.
- I don't have time for math.

The only thing that matters
to me are statistics.

Ooh!

Uh, that's also a type of math.

But we already knew I went
to high school with Troy,

and it's not like he even
remembered I existed.

Yeah, I don't
remember her at all.

We should probably drop this.

Wait, where's Pierce
on this chart?

His contribution to the group
has already been noted.

Pierce Hawthorne.
Fixture at Greendale.

Unavoidable.

- Hey, is that a sad face?
- I wouldn't know.

You have to look deeper.
Here. Take this, for example.

It's a receipt I found in the back of
Shirley's sock drawer on Thanksgiving.

You went in my bedroom
for some comic book thing?

Oh, no, my feet were cold.
Ah, here.

- You should probably wash those.
- Oh.

Discovering the receipt
was dumb luck,

but it proves that we were at
the mall on the exact same day.

Shirley, do remember what you
bought for $54 at the Love Hut?

What? Hmm?
No.

So excited about tonight,
honey.

Uh-huh. It's been too long

since we had adult time
without the kids.

Oh!

Well, I may have an anniversary
surprise for you too.

Well, I'm in public, but, uh...

you know you gonna get it,
right?

You gonna get it!

So we were at the mall
on the same day.

Unbreakable.

Mail call.

That's all right.
Won't be needing it today.

But Kevin always takes
the mail.

Well, today's mail's
kind of important.

It's the day that I send in
Greendale's lease renewal.

- Lease re-new-al?
- It's a critical document.

See, Greendale sublets our land
from the Arapaho nation.

Ah.

Miss a renewal and faster
than you can say "wounded knee,"

we turn into a casino
and midsize concert venue.

So you only trust me
with busywork?

Oh, no, that's not--

Kevin, ah--

I cannot resist
those puppy dog eyes.

Here.

Ah! Now, I have time
to hit the seamstress.

Guess all I have to say
is "Ladies and gentlemen,

Greendale Resort and Casino
presents Steve Winwood."

Okay, I just need to find
the one last smoking gun,

and I think this might be it.

I found it in a copy of
the Greendale communist worker.

Look familiar?

Oh, my God.

This is me and my anarchist
collective at the courthouse.

We called ourselves
the An-her-chists.

Did you guys know that
Jeff's in that photo?

What!

Jeff. My man.

Congrats on getting
your case thrown out.

Your argument
was a masterpiece.

I mean,
it was definitely creative.

Creative?

He convinced a judge to forgive five
years back taxes by getting him to agree

that you humping an American
flag to Back In Black

was not stripping but actually
not-for-profit performance art.

Ch-chk... Boom!

Blew me away.

Come on, let's go!

Thank you.

Thank you for defending
a woman's right

to use her body
however she chooses.

I can honestly say that right
is very important to me.

Aw!

Excuse me, Mr. Winger,
can we get a--

- You're a hero.
- Hi.

Hi.

Guys!

We have got to capitalize
on this momentum.

It is time An-her-chists finally
takes a stand on animals rights.

There is a medical lab in
an office building nearby.

Next week,
I say we break in there--

Actually, we were thinking
this is our last hurrah.

But this was our first hurrah.

- We're just getting going.
- Britta, we're done.

I had a hamburger the other day, and
suddenly I'm not cold all the time.

Fine. Go.
I don't need you.

What's an anarchist to do
without her organization?

Jeffrey, how could you?

Well, I was
a really good lawyer.

Mysti is the stripper that
Andre cheated on me with,

and you defended her.

Shirley, I--

If you hadn't gotten
that homewrecker off,

Andre never would've met her.

Jeff ends Shirley's marriage.

See? I told you we were
always destined to meet.

Hmm.

I knew Jeff went to
the same rec center,

but I had no idea
their paths crossed again.

This is good.
This is really great.

We're really filling in
some plot holes here.

This is good stuff.
It's really good.

- Have I missed something?
- These aren't plot holes, Abed.

This is my life.

But this kinda connection only makes
our origin story more compelling.

Like how awesome it is when Uncle
Ben is murdered in Spider-Man.

- Hmm.
- My marriage almost ended.

If it weren't for Jeff, that
Jezebel would've been in jail

instead of between
my Laura Ashley sheets.

Hey, this is not my fault.

And by the way, the case didn't
work out too great for me either.

It was supposed to
make my career,

but it put a target on my back.

Michael Phelps, really?

And it doesn't affect
his breathing?

Nope.

Mysti, can I talk to Jeff
for a moment?

I will go, uh, powder my nose.

For real.

Listen.

There's this rumor
going around the firm

that you never received
an undergraduate degree.

- That's ridiculous.
- I know.

I mean, some jag is obviously
jealous of your rising star.

But the fact is,
until this is settled,

the bar isn't gonna
let you practice.

So you got caught
in your own lie?

I almost lost my family.

How does your little tragedy
even compare?

Because I had to
go to school here.

Abed, do not write that down.

It's not like
I made Andre cheat.

Well, I happen to think it's
cool that we're all connected,

even if some of it's
in bad ways.

I mean, I'm finally willing to forgive
Annie for ruining high school.

Wait, I ruined your time
in high school?

Yeah, you did.

- You guys doing keg stands?
- Yeah!

Anyone can do a keg stand.

I'm gonna do a keg flip.

Hey, everybody, look at this.

Troy! Troy! Troy!

Ah!

Oh!

Oh, my football knee!
Why!

Can I have some corn nuts?

Wah!
No! Nooooo!

That had nothing to do with me.

And you already admitted
that you faked that injury

because you couldn't take the pressure
of those football recruiters.

I faked my injury
because of what you said to me.

Because of what I said?

You didn't even remember
that I went to school with you.

I may have lied about that too.

Hey, guys, it's time to do
senior class superlatives!

Okay, the first award
is "Most Handsome."

And the winner is...

- Troy Barnes.
- Of course it is.

"Most Popular."

Troy Barnes.

No! You guys are awesome.

"Best Smile."

Ha ha, gotta keep 'em white.

"Best Moves."
"Best Practical Joker."

"Coolest Locker."

And now, the last award
of the night.

"Most Likely to Succeed."

Okay, this has to go to me,

because I am most likely
to succeed.

It's just a fact.
You guys know.

And the winner is...

Troy Barnes.

You have got to be kidding me!

Troy Barnes,
most likely to succeed?

I'm the damn Valedictorian
and head of student council

and president of campus
crusade for Christ.

And I'm Jewish!

And you are just
some mindless robot.

You just go wherever
they tell you to run.

I'm sorry.

Do you go to my school?

Oh!

Pop! Pop!

Your words cut me more than hundreds
of non-tempered glass shards could.

I had six different
reconstructive surgeries.

I went through withdrawal.

I had to smile
when I didn't feel like smiling.

That hurts my face.

Can we all just stop
dredging up the past?

The only thing
your fate web thing does

is point out how fragile
our happiness is.

If only Jeff hadn't defended
that woman,

if only Andre hadn't met her
after I left the restaurant,

if only I didn't have to pick up
my kids at the mall, I--

Wait.

When? Which mall?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Hey, what movie
you guys gonna see?

The Phantom Menace.
It's kind of old.

- And why do you wanna see it?
- Because we like Star Wars.

Okay, if you like Star Wars, why do you
wanna murder it and urinate on its grave?

The prequels are terrible.

I mean, seriously, wouldn't
Chewbacca, at some point, go,

"Hey, Yoda, I know that guy"?

He has double light sabers.

That's stupid.
You're both stupid.

Well, why are you here
to see the movie?

I'm not.

I go wherever it plays
to warn people.

You've been warned.

Stranger said what to you?

Okay, fine.
I'll come get you.

I'm sorry, baby,
I'll be back as soon as I can.

Okay, just stand there, okay?

This can't be.

I don't see why I have
to go to a therapist.

Because after that woman chewed
them out for three hours,

the theater got
a restraining order against you.

Yalla.

Hey, doc.
By the way,

someone just stole
your prescription pad.

I'm trying to liberate you!

Ow!

You're the crazy man
at the mall!

You're the one who got me
busted for drugs!

You were out there somewhere
and you weren't looking for me?

In fairness, Annie,

running through a glass door
might've been the drug tip-off.

All this time, I wondered what it was
that brought our group together.

But I forgot one thing
all heroes need.

They need an enemy.

Batman has the Joker, the Justice
League has the Legion of Doom,

and this study group...

has me.

I'm the supervillain.
Why didn't I see it before?

I'm emotionless, logical,
smarter than everybody else.

- Hey!
- I tried sawing off Jeff's arm.

Why do you keep saying that?

I should go.
It's not safe to be around me.

I'm just as bad.

I couldn't handle the monkey,

so I traded it in for
a glaucoma brownie,

even though I knew
if it bit someone,

it would make them
a teensy bit psychotic.

Britta's right.

We've all made
some bad decisions.

And if you really wanna know
who the villain is here,

it's me.

- Ah.
- Weee!

Yeesh, I didn't think it was
possible to put more glitter on.

It's coming off of you
like Pig-Pen.

Well, some people
seem to like it.

This married guy just
gave me his phone number.

Can you believe his wife left
him on their anniversary?

You gonna call him?

I mean, he did just win
a bunch of money.

I don't know though.

You don't know what?
You're not married.

You gotta grab what you
want in this life.

That's the way it works.

Someone just took something
important from me.

And you know what?

I admire him for it.

All right, I mean,
I guess I'll go talk to him.

You do that.

And I'm gonna go get "crap on
other people's lawns" drunk.

To a memorable evening
for both of us.

Maybe you coincidentally
affected some of us.

But I actively endorsed pain.

I was the bad guy, and...

I'd like to think I'm
not that guy anymore.

Also, and I hate
to bring this up,

you did once make me pee myself.

Well, I guess we're even then.

I might finish studying at home.

Just ten minutes ago, I would've been
so excited about that peeing thing.

I wanted to make a prequel
and I ruined everything.

I guess it could happen to anyone.

I should probably write
George Lucas a note of apology.

Okay, let's not get crazy.

And you didn't ruin anything.

May I sit here?

Shirley,
what are you doing here?

Oh, just wanted some yogurt.

And I do know
you're not that person anymore.

Are you sure? 'Cause I
was awfully good at it.

Well, we all do bad things
every now and again.

I mean, I put a stripper's
head through a jukebox.

Hmm.

What are you guys doing here?

I guess we all
really wanted yogurt.

You know what's weird?

This is where I first decided
to go to Greendale.

Wait, really?

This is where I was when I first
decided to go to Greendale.

You're kidding me.

Senor Chang, I know you're
as disappointed as I am

in the caliber of students
we have at Greendale.

But the mall offers a whole
new valuable demographic

of people awake
during the daytime.

All right, I'll pass flyers
at Yogurtsburgh.

Self-serve yogurt.

Those douses already know
one marketable skill.

Okay, Ben--

But it still has the tags on!

So I lost the receipt.

It's not like I even got
to wear it,

because my husband's
a tasteless man slut.

What hey, littering!

This better not awaken
anything in me.

God, this day...

I thought pushing that woman's
head through a jukebox

would make me feel better,
but I'm just...

out of $54...

and a marriage.

Crystal Skull was aliens,

so it's a pretty great film.

You guys seen this?

Guys, working the program
with you has been so great.

I feel like I'm finally ready
to get my life back on track.

Last chance.

Just walk over there right now and
apologize to the theater manager.

Midichlorians.

Midichlorians!

Fine.

Then you're not going
to film school!

Hi!
Do you have any vegan froyo?

Do you even know what froyo is?

Fine. Do you have
a job application?

Hey.

That weird guy
hasn't blinked once.

Oh, yeah.

What a dweeb.

- Yeah, what a dweeb.
- Oh, nice shot, man!

Hey, do you work at Greendale?

Work? That's putting
it charitably.

Greendale community college
is a total joke.

They'd give a degree
to a monkey.

Hey, does Ian Duncan still
teach psychology at Greendale?

- That drunken limey?
- That's the one.

He's got tenure.

Maybe getting my degree won't
be as hard as I thought.

Sir, what are you doing?

Can we get some help out here?

Some old guy broke the machine
and is faking a heart attack.

Oh, wait.

Ah, stupid.

Cool, cool, cool.

Wait, so was that old guy
really Pierce?

We'll never know, because
he'll never ever remember.

What are the chances
of all of us

ending up at the same place
at the same time twice?

Abed, it's amazing.

I mean, yes,
2008 was the height

of the slightly sour
frozen yogurt craze, but...

that still doesn't explain it.

Maybe we really were
all meant to be together.

I'm not sure I
understand it, but

maybe we don't have to.

What I do know is that
the ways our paths crossed,

even when they were bad,

all led us to this point.

And I wouldn't have it
any other way.

So what you're saying is that we're
all each other's Uncle Ben's murder.

And we're all Spider-Men.

Yeah.

Let's say I'm saying that.

Mm, I think we know
whose will this really is.

Yeah, I think I do.

I'll be right back.

Hello?

Hey, Abed.

Just doing some Pilates.

- I was looking for you.
- Wha--I--

We discovered you're the
reason we all went to Greendale.

You linked all of our stories.

Like how the Cosmic Cube
assembled the Avengers.

That, and the 4-billion-dollar
deal with Disney.

Turns out you were
always one of us.

So I came to see if you wanted
to get some frozen yogurt.

Really?

That's--

that's all I ever wanted.

But it's too late.

Here's another thing
I realized.

Because of you we got to
reinvent ourselves at Greendale.

Everyone should have the
same chance, don't you think...

- Chang?
- It's not Chang.

It's Kevin.

How long have you known?

Known what?

Only you know
who you really are.

Also, you may have
experimental monkey fever.

You coming?

Yeah.

Actually, can we stop
at the post office first?

I have something to mail
for the Dean.

It's confidential
and I don't wanna talk about it,

so stop interrogating me.

I'm out. I Chang-ed my mind.

You're too in to be out.

- Hey!
- Hi!

You want some refills?
On me, huh?

Refills?
You want some?

_

_

Time for plan "B".