Community (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 2 - Paranormal Parentage - full transcript
The Study Group's Halloween plans are put on hold when Pierce locks himself in the panic room of his "haunted" mansion.
And Andre is going as Han Solo.
Aww.
The boys are Stormtroopers
and little baby Ben is an Ewok.
- Aww.
- Aww.
Aw. You don't have enough children.
Happy Halloween parties.
You all look great. Ham.
Pig. Let me guess.
You're a flimsy excuse to be shirtless,
wearing silk underwear.
And you're as wrong
as you are welcome.
No, this year I planned
a two-person costume with Annie.
She's going as my ring girl.
Pretty freaky-deaky, huh?
JEFF: Annie, no.
The boxing match ring girl.
The sexy ones
that hold the round numbers.
Yeah, see, this is why
we can't just text about it, Jeff.
I don't watch sports.
There's no boxer in The Ring.
I don't watch scary movies.
"And that's why we leave the couples'
costumes to the couples"
she said wisely.
Warn your boyfriend's boyfriend.
We're dating. Doesn't mean
we do everything together.
You need to do some things
together.
We do some things.
We do a lot of things.
Not all the things.
Things.
Okay, we're all here, minus Pierce,
who wasn't invited to Vicki's party
For reasons beyond our control
or concern.
No mystery there.
She put a pencil through his face.
Does Vicki have a TV?
It's a party. No watching TV.
I watch Annie.
She watches Cougar Town reruns.
Makes Annie my third-favorite show.
And tonight is their Hallo-wine special.
That's right.
Better not miss the merlot.
Clink. What? You fall into it.
That was Pierce. He locked himself
in his panic room. He needs our help.
No "oh."
"Oh" means we are going
against our will, and we are not going.
He's lying.
He seemed upset.
He's been alone up there in that
mansion ever since I moved out
and his dad,
you know, got killed by Jeff.
Calling for help.
A classic call for help.
"Hello, Dr. Perry's office.
Damaged psyche?
Yes, I'll accept the charges."
Heads, lock up your brains.
Britta's on the prowl for therapy meat.
Maybe we should just stop by
on our way to the party.
I assure you, the only thing Pierce
is trapped in is adolescence.
He's a geriatric toddler
throwing the most
elaborate tantrums money can buy.
And I for one
am not gonna stand by
and allow some lonely ridiculous
person to derail our group's plans.
Dean, dean, dean!
To your corners, fighters.
Someone save me a towel.
You guys going to Vicki's party?
We just gotta do this thing first.
Give me some rope
Tie me to dream
Give me the hope
To run out of steam
Somebody said
It can be here
We could be roped up, tied up
Dead in a year
I can't count the reasons
I should stay
One by one
They all just fade away
BRITTA:
Holy Helen, this place is huge.
Seems spookier than I remember.
The only thing spooky
about this place is the tacky decor.
It's like David Lee Roth
threw up Miami Vice.
Ugh. So tacky.
Maybe Pierce isn't doing so well
since he lost his father
and then his inheritance
in a video game battle with Gilbert
an illegitimate half-brother
he never knew he had.
I guess I've never said it out loud.
Guys, over here.
Havvthorne's panic room,
one of the 27 stops on the tour
I had to memorize
before moving into Hawthorne Manor.
Does the house get visitors?
You're the first.
Impenetrable titanium carbonite door,
hacker-proof key-code access panel
impressive video telecom screen
with remote.
Maximum occupancy one,
with female companion.
Purchased June 30th, 1989.
It took me forever to remember that.
June 30th, 1989. Theatrical release
of Do the Right Thing.
Oh! Oh.
Wait, it might be a trap.
Or it might let him out.
Either way, we--
Oh, put a sock in it, shorts.
PIERCE: Oh, hey, guys.
Pierce, are you okay?
Oh, sure, fine, fine.
I was dusting in here and I must have
bumped a switch or something.
As the graceful one in the group,
I'm kind of embarrassed.
Don't be. I've been locked
in way worse places than this.
Oh, not against my will.
Been in there long?
No, not long, but I couldn't
remember the damn code.
Sorry to be a burden on you guys,
but I guess that's all I am now.
ALL: Aww.
It's okay. We're happy to help.
No sweat, Boba Fett.
Yeah. Do you have a TV?
What Abed means is did you write
the code down anywhere?
Yes, it's in a red notebook
in my study
or my bedroom, maybe.
I used to know where everything was
before I fired my maid.
Now there's no reason
to use my safe.
We'll find it. It'll take two secs.
Or we take one sec
and just skip to the catch.
This place hasn't been dusted
in months.
He starts with the panic room?
No sale.
He's not a sad old man.
He's a sad old liar.
Jeffrey!
No, no, he's right.
I've been lying to you.
The truth is, last night,
I got up to get a glass of red wi--
Water, and on my way
back from the cellar
I saw something that scared me
so badly
I locked myself in here
on purpose.
The part about not remembering
the code is true.
I'm very thirsty.
Why didn't you call me sooner?
I had to come up
with that awesome dusting story
because if you knew
what spooked me
you'd probably call me
crazy and old.
No one's gonna call you, Pierce.
You can tell us.
We're here to help you.
I thought I saw my dad.
Ohh.
Looked like his face was coming
right through the wall.
But that's impossible,
because my dad is dead.
Aha!
I mean, not "Aha, your dad is dead,"
but "Aha, I knew it."
Ghost dad, exploring your haunted
mansion for secret codes?
Nice try, Pierce.
You gotta be kidding me.
What in the Scooby-Doo
is happening to you people?
Go to the party.
We'll meet you there.
We're gonna stay and help Pierce.
JEFF: He doesn't need help.
He needs attention.
Are you really this naive?
Am I naive?
I'm sure as stuff
not your sexy little ring girl.
- I--
- Can it, ham.
She's also my ride.
BRITTA: Troy said--
Pierce's bedroom is the third door.
I didn't leave my short-term memory
at Coachella.
Jeez, Winger, keep it above the belt.
I'm sorry.
Already forgotten.
This house is getting to me.
Kind of weird that a dead person
used to live here.
What's weird is that a living person
lived here
with his parents well into his 60s
then they died and he's still here
like a paralyzed Peter Pan.
Not for long. I'm gonna set
my shrink ray to "daddy issues"
and blast that sucker
full of closure.
I guess it can't hurt.
Exactly.
Because in one way or another,
therapy is always helpful.
No, because there's no possible way
you could mess him up worse.
It's like practicing on a cadaver.
Knock yourself out.
This has gotta be it.
Ugh.
Wish I didn't have
so much exposed skin.
Tubular.
I, too, lack the adjectives.
How does one search
for a red notebook that doesn't exist
without looking, touching
or creating nightmares?
I'll check the nightstand.
I'll check my messages.
Oh, my God.
Pierce keeps his dad's bow tie
by his bed.
Yeesh. Table for Siggy Freud, party of--
Britta, stop answering phones.
How about we ask Rip van Racism
where the codes are?
Don't. That's not nice.
What?
He was a tightfisted, philandering
bigot who got to outlive most bridges.
We don't owe him reverence.
How about it, you old bag of dust?
You got our numbers?
I'm serious, stop it.
You don't really believe in ghosts?
I'm just not so quick to rule it out.
I believe people can be haunted
by unresolved issues in their past.
Issues don't turn into ghosts.
Maybe for Pierce, they have.
Maybe Pierce and his dad have
seriously unfinished business.
No, the dead can't have business.
They can't want or think or do.
It's what makes them dead.
It's the living
who choose to be haunted.
Cornelius was barely a dad.
Now he's nothing.
Pierce can keep staring
into that void
or he can turn around,
face his future like I did, and say:
"Who gives a crap who my dad was?
I'm my own man now."
Wow, pretty slick, Britta.
Using ghosts to trick me into
opening up. Too bad it didn't work.
Oh, man, so this is
what the zone feels like. Ohh.
Analyze this.
We don't wanna go over
the same area twice, so be thorough.
Thorough. Got it.
More of a burnt umber,
but I won't hold that against him.
"Pierce Havvthorne's
ideas for ladies"?
Oh, please.
"Blond, long legs,
with tennis racquet.
Asian Rockette.
Big boobs, redhead, but doctor,
question mark."
Oh, he's not 100 percent
on that one?
This is the greatest thing
that has ever happened to me.
Okay, I don't have the codes.
Maybe Shirley and Troy
are having better luck in the library.
Abed?
Abed?
If this is supposed to be like that part
in that movie that's like this,
I would like to remind you
that I don't watch scary movies,
and therefore cannot appreciate
the homage!
Abed?
I hate reference humor.
Hold on. I've been offended
by this coat rack before.
Are we going in circles?
Okay.
So maybe I spent a little less time
in the library
than, say, the walk-in cereal closet,
but it's definitely near here.
Skipped this door.
Pierce told me not to go in there.
Then it's probably the library.
Racist son of a--
Sodom and Gomorrah.
It's Pierce's special gym.
He never let me use it
because he thinks I'm a child.
Hold--
He's hiding the indoor swing
and I'm the child.
No, Troy, get out of there.
Why does he have so many collars?
- Secret dogs.
- Oh.
It's okay. Come on.
Oh, no.
Forget you saw that,
and then forget I knew what it was.
You won't tell me,
Pierce won't tell me.
I have no idea what to Google.
I'll never know.
Dating Britta, you'll know too much
too soon, soon enough.
What does Britta have to do with this?
Well, she's a modern woman,
with experienced tastes.
I think it's nice you two are dating.
I hope she doesn't make you
feel pressured.
Pressured to what?
To fulfill her expectations.
Expectations of what?
Heh-heh. Never mind.
Unsatisfied with what?
I lost Abed.
I turned around and he disappeared.
Never let him out of your sight.
That goes double for holidays
and wax museums.
How are we gonna find him?
I don't know, but we have to.
He's probably
already looking for us.
WOMAN: Oh, well, that's Hallo-wine
in Cougar Town for you.
Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, ladies, I'll follow you anywhere.
JEFF: I do not have daddy issues.
You get two minutes.
Denial is the first step to acceptance.
That can't be.
Says the deny-ist.
Not a word.
Keep digging.
Confronting your issues now
could prevent you from ending up
haunted like Pierce.
I won't be Pierce.
Won't you?
No, I'm nothing like him.
Aren't you?
Gonna keep doing that?
Am I?
The worst therapist?
No, because you're not a therapist.
Since you're misdiagnosing by a mile,
let me point out some differences.
Pierce was raised by his dad.
Mine took off when I was 8.
Pierce spent his life begging
for scraps of his father's approval.
I moved on.
Maybe Pierce needs a dad, I don't.
Don't you?
Stop that!
Okay, if I need a dad so bad
how come I've had his
phone number for three weeks
without the slightest urge
to call him?
You found your dad?
Did I?
Give it here!
I remember when this show was
about a community college.
PIERCE: No, you keep the
fish sticks, senator.
Enjoy the boat show.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Just let me see the number!
No!
For medical purposes!
Help me heal your heart hole!
Never!
Jeffrey!
So this is where Pierce
has been hiding the taste.
Here's to you, Cornelius.
Gone, but not forgiven.
Of course.
Otherwise it wouldn't be pointless.
This is pointless.
We have no Abed, no codes.
Pierce sent us on a wild goose chase.
Jeff was right. I am naive.
Oh, don't listen to him.
Nothing naive about helping a friend.
Jeff would know that if he wasn't
too cool for after-school specials.
Thanks.
Don't worry. Abed's here.
I can feel him. Maybe we should
loop back to the indoor swing room.
Indoor swing? That's ridiculous.
Someone's gonna break a lamp.
Break something on it.
Britta, while I applaud your
gentle approach to psychoanalysis,
I'm not gonna talk about it.
Hey, cut it out!
You're gonna break the...
door.
Well, look who came crawling back.
Not crawling, walking.
Quite briskly. Follow.
I like talking to you, Annie. It's easy.
I hope you feel like you can talk to me too.
Aww.
Spit it out.
No secrets between roomies.
Behind you.
I'm behind you too.
Hands. Wall!
Not sure where you're going here,
but just let it out.
Don't let it out!
Don't let it out!
All right, Pierce,
turn off your haunted house!
Oh, my God, Pierce is dead.
Cornelius killed him.
I broke the remote!
Do you think it's expensive?
TROY:
Please, Pierce.
Please, don't die
slightly before your time.
This means we're next,
and I care about us.
Where--?
Gotcha!
What the hell?
I totally had you guys convinced
I was dead.
That'll teach you
to value my presence.
Pierce.
Don't Pierce me.
You were going to Vicki's party
without me.
Bet you didn't expect me
to fake a haunted house
to teach you a lesson.
Exactly what we expected.
Pierce, Vicki's the one
that didn't invite you.
Why didn't you scare her?
Because I hate her.
Abed, where have you been?
I found Pierce's
secret surveillance room.
He was faking a haunted house.
Abed Nadir with the late report.
Sorry, good montages take time.
PIERCE:
Man, it was so easy.
Some shadows,
a couple of mirror tricks.
A little custom-built latex walls and
you're all crapping in your short pants.
Pretty impressive, particularly the
figure you hired to watch you sleep.
ANNIE: Wow, that is creepy.
Standout performance. Is he SAG?
What are you doing?
I didn't hire anyone.
Enough, Pierce.
Just open the damn door.
There's no ghost.
How do you explain this?
You probably asked someone
to help you with your stupid prank
and then forgot.
PIERCE: Uh-uh.
LeVar Burton was a hard no.
There's only one explanation.
I belittled my father's good name
for a prank.
And his ghost has returned
to scold me.
And probably butcher you guys
for going along with it.
You think hiding in this room
is gonna keep you safe?
Ghosts can't go through doors, stupid.
They're not fire.
Pierce, I am paying a teenager
by the hour
to care about my children
so I can go to this party.
So you have to ask yourself,
is the real threat out there or in here?
Fine, I'll open it myself.
No, no. He'll scold me!
Someone's punching in the code.
Please, tell me one of us is outside.
May I be of some assistance?
ALL: Gilbert!
Gilbert, what are you doing
in my house?
Well, technically it's my house.
After our father died, I became
the sole inheritor of his estate,
including all six houses
and the decommissioned submarine.
- What?
- What?
So you came here to kick me out?
I came here to give you the deed, but
on the day of my arrival, you were out.
I noticed mail piled up by the door.
I took it in, paid the overdue bills,
replaced a few light bulbs,
and, well, that was six weeks ago.
You've been living here in secret
this whole time?
Yes, I'm ashamed to say that after
a lifetime as Cornelius's assistant,
I've had a difficult time
adjusting to his passing.
It seems his absence has taken a
greater toll than his presence ever did.
Taking care of Pierce
gave my life purpose again.
But now that I've been discovered
by your thin friend,
I must apologize
and bid you adieu.
Goodbye, Pierce.
There's a load of clean socks
in the dryer.
Gilbert, wait, wait. Look, I've been
doing really well since Dad died,
so I don't need anyone
taking care of me.
But if you're having a tough time,
well, I guess I could use
a roommate.
Will there be anything else,
brother?
Yes. Bring it in.
WOMEN:
Aww.
PIERCE:
Have fun at the party.
Tell Vicki I say happy Halloween.
That'll mess with her.
You don't wanna come?
I've got a mask for you to wear.
One that doesn't zip at the mouth.
No, thanks.
I'll hang around here with Gilbert.
He needs me.
Oh, that's nice.
What was all that about masks?
Don't know, don't want to.
Fair enough.
Hey, how about you and I
skip out on this party?
Why? To do what and where?
Oh, I was thinking you could show me
some Inspector Spacetime.
You're always talking about it.
I've never seen a full episode.
Oh! Sure you want to?
It starts pretty slow.
First inspector
couldn't even time-travel.
That sounds fine.
After a night of running in circles
trying to untie Winger knots,
I'm looking for something slow.
Sorry I ruined your night.
Actually, Pierce ruined my night,
but you were right to let him.
Still wanna go to the party?
I heard Vicki bought dry ice
and gave Leonard the wrong address.
Uh, I'll take a pass.
I have some unfinished business
at home.
Troy.
Are you in here?
Abed, was that you?
I wanna show you something
on the other side of the bookcase.
Troy?
Find me as soon as you can.
Who is in my house?
Gilbert!
Hijinks.
Indubitably.
Did it work?
Are you tall?
Aww.
The boys are Stormtroopers
and little baby Ben is an Ewok.
- Aww.
- Aww.
Aw. You don't have enough children.
Happy Halloween parties.
You all look great. Ham.
Pig. Let me guess.
You're a flimsy excuse to be shirtless,
wearing silk underwear.
And you're as wrong
as you are welcome.
No, this year I planned
a two-person costume with Annie.
She's going as my ring girl.
Pretty freaky-deaky, huh?
JEFF: Annie, no.
The boxing match ring girl.
The sexy ones
that hold the round numbers.
Yeah, see, this is why
we can't just text about it, Jeff.
I don't watch sports.
There's no boxer in The Ring.
I don't watch scary movies.
"And that's why we leave the couples'
costumes to the couples"
she said wisely.
Warn your boyfriend's boyfriend.
We're dating. Doesn't mean
we do everything together.
You need to do some things
together.
We do some things.
We do a lot of things.
Not all the things.
Things.
Okay, we're all here, minus Pierce,
who wasn't invited to Vicki's party
For reasons beyond our control
or concern.
No mystery there.
She put a pencil through his face.
Does Vicki have a TV?
It's a party. No watching TV.
I watch Annie.
She watches Cougar Town reruns.
Makes Annie my third-favorite show.
And tonight is their Hallo-wine special.
That's right.
Better not miss the merlot.
Clink. What? You fall into it.
That was Pierce. He locked himself
in his panic room. He needs our help.
No "oh."
"Oh" means we are going
against our will, and we are not going.
He's lying.
He seemed upset.
He's been alone up there in that
mansion ever since I moved out
and his dad,
you know, got killed by Jeff.
Calling for help.
A classic call for help.
"Hello, Dr. Perry's office.
Damaged psyche?
Yes, I'll accept the charges."
Heads, lock up your brains.
Britta's on the prowl for therapy meat.
Maybe we should just stop by
on our way to the party.
I assure you, the only thing Pierce
is trapped in is adolescence.
He's a geriatric toddler
throwing the most
elaborate tantrums money can buy.
And I for one
am not gonna stand by
and allow some lonely ridiculous
person to derail our group's plans.
Dean, dean, dean!
To your corners, fighters.
Someone save me a towel.
You guys going to Vicki's party?
We just gotta do this thing first.
Give me some rope
Tie me to dream
Give me the hope
To run out of steam
Somebody said
It can be here
We could be roped up, tied up
Dead in a year
I can't count the reasons
I should stay
One by one
They all just fade away
BRITTA:
Holy Helen, this place is huge.
Seems spookier than I remember.
The only thing spooky
about this place is the tacky decor.
It's like David Lee Roth
threw up Miami Vice.
Ugh. So tacky.
Maybe Pierce isn't doing so well
since he lost his father
and then his inheritance
in a video game battle with Gilbert
an illegitimate half-brother
he never knew he had.
I guess I've never said it out loud.
Guys, over here.
Havvthorne's panic room,
one of the 27 stops on the tour
I had to memorize
before moving into Hawthorne Manor.
Does the house get visitors?
You're the first.
Impenetrable titanium carbonite door,
hacker-proof key-code access panel
impressive video telecom screen
with remote.
Maximum occupancy one,
with female companion.
Purchased June 30th, 1989.
It took me forever to remember that.
June 30th, 1989. Theatrical release
of Do the Right Thing.
Oh! Oh.
Wait, it might be a trap.
Or it might let him out.
Either way, we--
Oh, put a sock in it, shorts.
PIERCE: Oh, hey, guys.
Pierce, are you okay?
Oh, sure, fine, fine.
I was dusting in here and I must have
bumped a switch or something.
As the graceful one in the group,
I'm kind of embarrassed.
Don't be. I've been locked
in way worse places than this.
Oh, not against my will.
Been in there long?
No, not long, but I couldn't
remember the damn code.
Sorry to be a burden on you guys,
but I guess that's all I am now.
ALL: Aww.
It's okay. We're happy to help.
No sweat, Boba Fett.
Yeah. Do you have a TV?
What Abed means is did you write
the code down anywhere?
Yes, it's in a red notebook
in my study
or my bedroom, maybe.
I used to know where everything was
before I fired my maid.
Now there's no reason
to use my safe.
We'll find it. It'll take two secs.
Or we take one sec
and just skip to the catch.
This place hasn't been dusted
in months.
He starts with the panic room?
No sale.
He's not a sad old man.
He's a sad old liar.
Jeffrey!
No, no, he's right.
I've been lying to you.
The truth is, last night,
I got up to get a glass of red wi--
Water, and on my way
back from the cellar
I saw something that scared me
so badly
I locked myself in here
on purpose.
The part about not remembering
the code is true.
I'm very thirsty.
Why didn't you call me sooner?
I had to come up
with that awesome dusting story
because if you knew
what spooked me
you'd probably call me
crazy and old.
No one's gonna call you, Pierce.
You can tell us.
We're here to help you.
I thought I saw my dad.
Ohh.
Looked like his face was coming
right through the wall.
But that's impossible,
because my dad is dead.
Aha!
I mean, not "Aha, your dad is dead,"
but "Aha, I knew it."
Ghost dad, exploring your haunted
mansion for secret codes?
Nice try, Pierce.
You gotta be kidding me.
What in the Scooby-Doo
is happening to you people?
Go to the party.
We'll meet you there.
We're gonna stay and help Pierce.
JEFF: He doesn't need help.
He needs attention.
Are you really this naive?
Am I naive?
I'm sure as stuff
not your sexy little ring girl.
- I--
- Can it, ham.
She's also my ride.
BRITTA: Troy said--
Pierce's bedroom is the third door.
I didn't leave my short-term memory
at Coachella.
Jeez, Winger, keep it above the belt.
I'm sorry.
Already forgotten.
This house is getting to me.
Kind of weird that a dead person
used to live here.
What's weird is that a living person
lived here
with his parents well into his 60s
then they died and he's still here
like a paralyzed Peter Pan.
Not for long. I'm gonna set
my shrink ray to "daddy issues"
and blast that sucker
full of closure.
I guess it can't hurt.
Exactly.
Because in one way or another,
therapy is always helpful.
No, because there's no possible way
you could mess him up worse.
It's like practicing on a cadaver.
Knock yourself out.
This has gotta be it.
Ugh.
Wish I didn't have
so much exposed skin.
Tubular.
I, too, lack the adjectives.
How does one search
for a red notebook that doesn't exist
without looking, touching
or creating nightmares?
I'll check the nightstand.
I'll check my messages.
Oh, my God.
Pierce keeps his dad's bow tie
by his bed.
Yeesh. Table for Siggy Freud, party of--
Britta, stop answering phones.
How about we ask Rip van Racism
where the codes are?
Don't. That's not nice.
What?
He was a tightfisted, philandering
bigot who got to outlive most bridges.
We don't owe him reverence.
How about it, you old bag of dust?
You got our numbers?
I'm serious, stop it.
You don't really believe in ghosts?
I'm just not so quick to rule it out.
I believe people can be haunted
by unresolved issues in their past.
Issues don't turn into ghosts.
Maybe for Pierce, they have.
Maybe Pierce and his dad have
seriously unfinished business.
No, the dead can't have business.
They can't want or think or do.
It's what makes them dead.
It's the living
who choose to be haunted.
Cornelius was barely a dad.
Now he's nothing.
Pierce can keep staring
into that void
or he can turn around,
face his future like I did, and say:
"Who gives a crap who my dad was?
I'm my own man now."
Wow, pretty slick, Britta.
Using ghosts to trick me into
opening up. Too bad it didn't work.
Oh, man, so this is
what the zone feels like. Ohh.
Analyze this.
We don't wanna go over
the same area twice, so be thorough.
Thorough. Got it.
More of a burnt umber,
but I won't hold that against him.
"Pierce Havvthorne's
ideas for ladies"?
Oh, please.
"Blond, long legs,
with tennis racquet.
Asian Rockette.
Big boobs, redhead, but doctor,
question mark."
Oh, he's not 100 percent
on that one?
This is the greatest thing
that has ever happened to me.
Okay, I don't have the codes.
Maybe Shirley and Troy
are having better luck in the library.
Abed?
Abed?
If this is supposed to be like that part
in that movie that's like this,
I would like to remind you
that I don't watch scary movies,
and therefore cannot appreciate
the homage!
Abed?
I hate reference humor.
Hold on. I've been offended
by this coat rack before.
Are we going in circles?
Okay.
So maybe I spent a little less time
in the library
than, say, the walk-in cereal closet,
but it's definitely near here.
Skipped this door.
Pierce told me not to go in there.
Then it's probably the library.
Racist son of a--
Sodom and Gomorrah.
It's Pierce's special gym.
He never let me use it
because he thinks I'm a child.
Hold--
He's hiding the indoor swing
and I'm the child.
No, Troy, get out of there.
Why does he have so many collars?
- Secret dogs.
- Oh.
It's okay. Come on.
Oh, no.
Forget you saw that,
and then forget I knew what it was.
You won't tell me,
Pierce won't tell me.
I have no idea what to Google.
I'll never know.
Dating Britta, you'll know too much
too soon, soon enough.
What does Britta have to do with this?
Well, she's a modern woman,
with experienced tastes.
I think it's nice you two are dating.
I hope she doesn't make you
feel pressured.
Pressured to what?
To fulfill her expectations.
Expectations of what?
Heh-heh. Never mind.
Unsatisfied with what?
I lost Abed.
I turned around and he disappeared.
Never let him out of your sight.
That goes double for holidays
and wax museums.
How are we gonna find him?
I don't know, but we have to.
He's probably
already looking for us.
WOMAN: Oh, well, that's Hallo-wine
in Cougar Town for you.
Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, ladies, I'll follow you anywhere.
JEFF: I do not have daddy issues.
You get two minutes.
Denial is the first step to acceptance.
That can't be.
Says the deny-ist.
Not a word.
Keep digging.
Confronting your issues now
could prevent you from ending up
haunted like Pierce.
I won't be Pierce.
Won't you?
No, I'm nothing like him.
Aren't you?
Gonna keep doing that?
Am I?
The worst therapist?
No, because you're not a therapist.
Since you're misdiagnosing by a mile,
let me point out some differences.
Pierce was raised by his dad.
Mine took off when I was 8.
Pierce spent his life begging
for scraps of his father's approval.
I moved on.
Maybe Pierce needs a dad, I don't.
Don't you?
Stop that!
Okay, if I need a dad so bad
how come I've had his
phone number for three weeks
without the slightest urge
to call him?
You found your dad?
Did I?
Give it here!
I remember when this show was
about a community college.
PIERCE: No, you keep the
fish sticks, senator.
Enjoy the boat show.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Just let me see the number!
No!
For medical purposes!
Help me heal your heart hole!
Never!
Jeffrey!
So this is where Pierce
has been hiding the taste.
Here's to you, Cornelius.
Gone, but not forgiven.
Of course.
Otherwise it wouldn't be pointless.
This is pointless.
We have no Abed, no codes.
Pierce sent us on a wild goose chase.
Jeff was right. I am naive.
Oh, don't listen to him.
Nothing naive about helping a friend.
Jeff would know that if he wasn't
too cool for after-school specials.
Thanks.
Don't worry. Abed's here.
I can feel him. Maybe we should
loop back to the indoor swing room.
Indoor swing? That's ridiculous.
Someone's gonna break a lamp.
Break something on it.
Britta, while I applaud your
gentle approach to psychoanalysis,
I'm not gonna talk about it.
Hey, cut it out!
You're gonna break the...
door.
Well, look who came crawling back.
Not crawling, walking.
Quite briskly. Follow.
I like talking to you, Annie. It's easy.
I hope you feel like you can talk to me too.
Aww.
Spit it out.
No secrets between roomies.
Behind you.
I'm behind you too.
Hands. Wall!
Not sure where you're going here,
but just let it out.
Don't let it out!
Don't let it out!
All right, Pierce,
turn off your haunted house!
Oh, my God, Pierce is dead.
Cornelius killed him.
I broke the remote!
Do you think it's expensive?
TROY:
Please, Pierce.
Please, don't die
slightly before your time.
This means we're next,
and I care about us.
Where--?
Gotcha!
What the hell?
I totally had you guys convinced
I was dead.
That'll teach you
to value my presence.
Pierce.
Don't Pierce me.
You were going to Vicki's party
without me.
Bet you didn't expect me
to fake a haunted house
to teach you a lesson.
Exactly what we expected.
Pierce, Vicki's the one
that didn't invite you.
Why didn't you scare her?
Because I hate her.
Abed, where have you been?
I found Pierce's
secret surveillance room.
He was faking a haunted house.
Abed Nadir with the late report.
Sorry, good montages take time.
PIERCE:
Man, it was so easy.
Some shadows,
a couple of mirror tricks.
A little custom-built latex walls and
you're all crapping in your short pants.
Pretty impressive, particularly the
figure you hired to watch you sleep.
ANNIE: Wow, that is creepy.
Standout performance. Is he SAG?
What are you doing?
I didn't hire anyone.
Enough, Pierce.
Just open the damn door.
There's no ghost.
How do you explain this?
You probably asked someone
to help you with your stupid prank
and then forgot.
PIERCE: Uh-uh.
LeVar Burton was a hard no.
There's only one explanation.
I belittled my father's good name
for a prank.
And his ghost has returned
to scold me.
And probably butcher you guys
for going along with it.
You think hiding in this room
is gonna keep you safe?
Ghosts can't go through doors, stupid.
They're not fire.
Pierce, I am paying a teenager
by the hour
to care about my children
so I can go to this party.
So you have to ask yourself,
is the real threat out there or in here?
Fine, I'll open it myself.
No, no. He'll scold me!
Someone's punching in the code.
Please, tell me one of us is outside.
May I be of some assistance?
ALL: Gilbert!
Gilbert, what are you doing
in my house?
Well, technically it's my house.
After our father died, I became
the sole inheritor of his estate,
including all six houses
and the decommissioned submarine.
- What?
- What?
So you came here to kick me out?
I came here to give you the deed, but
on the day of my arrival, you were out.
I noticed mail piled up by the door.
I took it in, paid the overdue bills,
replaced a few light bulbs,
and, well, that was six weeks ago.
You've been living here in secret
this whole time?
Yes, I'm ashamed to say that after
a lifetime as Cornelius's assistant,
I've had a difficult time
adjusting to his passing.
It seems his absence has taken a
greater toll than his presence ever did.
Taking care of Pierce
gave my life purpose again.
But now that I've been discovered
by your thin friend,
I must apologize
and bid you adieu.
Goodbye, Pierce.
There's a load of clean socks
in the dryer.
Gilbert, wait, wait. Look, I've been
doing really well since Dad died,
so I don't need anyone
taking care of me.
But if you're having a tough time,
well, I guess I could use
a roommate.
Will there be anything else,
brother?
Yes. Bring it in.
WOMEN:
Aww.
PIERCE:
Have fun at the party.
Tell Vicki I say happy Halloween.
That'll mess with her.
You don't wanna come?
I've got a mask for you to wear.
One that doesn't zip at the mouth.
No, thanks.
I'll hang around here with Gilbert.
He needs me.
Oh, that's nice.
What was all that about masks?
Don't know, don't want to.
Fair enough.
Hey, how about you and I
skip out on this party?
Why? To do what and where?
Oh, I was thinking you could show me
some Inspector Spacetime.
You're always talking about it.
I've never seen a full episode.
Oh! Sure you want to?
It starts pretty slow.
First inspector
couldn't even time-travel.
That sounds fine.
After a night of running in circles
trying to untie Winger knots,
I'm looking for something slow.
Sorry I ruined your night.
Actually, Pierce ruined my night,
but you were right to let him.
Still wanna go to the party?
I heard Vicki bought dry ice
and gave Leonard the wrong address.
Uh, I'll take a pass.
I have some unfinished business
at home.
Troy.
Are you in here?
Abed, was that you?
I wanna show you something
on the other side of the bookcase.
Troy?
Find me as soon as you can.
Who is in my house?
Gilbert!
Hijinks.
Indubitably.
Did it work?
Are you tall?