Community (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 3 - Conventions of Space and Time - full transcript

Take that, blorgon.

Good show, Inspector.

Oh, wow, there are
50 years of these, huh?

Yeah, isn't it great?

We can go anywhere
and any time in the universe.

But it will probably be London
during the Blitz.

Oh, I think I finally got
Abed to agree to let you come

to the Inspector Spacetime Convention.

Yay.
[Knock at door]

Are you watching Inspector Spacetime?

Why does he have to wake up so early?



Can't we just tell Abed
that we're sleeping together?

No.
No. Abed's fragile.

We have to ease him into it, okay?

Do we want him to freak out
and then we have to rescue him

from some fantasy world where
submarines are small enough

to enter the bloodstream?

I totally want to do that.

We need to go over
the convention schedule again.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Just a minute.

Troy, it's a week away,

and we need to revise
our whole strategy.

Mwah.

Troy.
[Knock at door]



I've printed out several maps
of the convention center

and color-coded
the best potential routes.

Now we know I have a longer stride,

but I'm assuming
your superior physical fitness

will allow you to compensate
with greater speed.

One thing's for sure, though.

We need to save time by changing
into our costumes in the car.

- Curling iron.
- Thanks.

Coming.

Hi, Abed.

Just here for my breakfast date
with Troy.

Oh, good morning, Britta.

I haven't seen you in over 12 hours.

[Chuckles]

Yeah.

I know you two are having sex.

- I've known for weeks.
- What?

Why didn't you say something?

I love doughnuts.

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I just need to get my
sunglasses, and then we can go.

We're gonna be late,
and you don't need sunglasses

to go to an Inspector Spacetime
convention.

You're right.

For an Inspector Spacetime convention,

I would need a bag to put over my head.

But Annie and I are going skiing.

That is the only reason
I agreed to this road trip.

[Both scream]

What are you doing here?

I always come early to save my seat.

And what's this about a road trip?

Look, Pierce,

no one was trying to leave you out.

We just assumed
you wouldn't be interested.

Which is why we left you out.

That's not fair.

Why can't I go to
a Captain Warptime Convention?

Because you'll ruin it.

I'm getting sick of everyone assuming

that I have nothing to offer.

You know, in Ancient Greece,
it was considered

an honor to invite a person
my age to a space convention?

We didn't invite Shirley either.

Well, that's better then.

All right.

Both: Good night.

Good night.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I can't believe it--
our first Inspecticon.

It's beautiful.

Now are you sure
it's okay Britta's here?

Because she can just wait in the car.

It's cool. Now the first
thing we need to do

is find the booth
where they take the gluon photo.

It's a photo where two people
are fused together

like the Inspector and Reggie were
bonded for eternity in episode 704.

Both: Oh.

Wait, was there a female inspector?

Yes. And everyone hates her.
Not because they're sexist.

- Because she sucks.
- Well, I think it's cool.

- Britta.
- Annie.

You're on your own, Al Capone.

Everyone's entitled
to their own opinion.

Am I the only one freaked out by that?

No, I think Abed was just showing
that he's accepting of our relationship.

No, really.
What was it?

Hey, Annie, sad news.

They closed the ski slopes.

A dozen scouts got buried
in an avalanche.

So sad.

I say we cut our losses and head home.

What?
Why? We're already here.

We can still have fun
hanging out at the convention.

I'd have more fun
hanging out with the parents

that are circling the block.

Jeff, why are people staring at you?

Because they've never seen
a man who's had sex before?

All right, how many of those
do you have in your chamber?

Enough for the whole ride home.

[Snickering]

Jeff.

- What?
- We wanted it to be a surprise.

You bear a striking resemblance

to Inspector Spacetime's
Supervillain Thoraxis.

Okay.
Now we're definitely leaving.

But I've never been
on an adult vacation before.

This is the first time I've stayed in a
hotel without a number in its name.

Hey, you can stay if you want.

Fine.
I'll be in my room.

Good.
The reservation's under my name.

Enjoy the nerds.

I will enjoy the...

- Jeff won.
- I know.

Abed, the gluon photo line
looks really long.

We should probably get in it now.

Definitely.
Right after I find Toby.

Who's Toby?

[Chuckles]

Toby Weeks.

Arguably the biggest Inspector
Spacetime fan in the world.

We've been emailing for months.

Oh.
You never mentioned him.

Well, you've been
so busy lately having sex.

Besides, we talked
about embracing change,

so I'm expanding my social circle.

I just hope he makes it.

He works in Nigeria in banking.

He almost couldn't come because
all his money was tied up

in this financial thing,
but I sent him 700 pounds

and a plane ticket,
so he should be here.

Oh, Abed.

There he is.

You must be Abed.

Inspector.
Ooh, before I forget,

here is your check.
Thanking you very much indeed.

- Nice.
- You wouldn't believe

how many people
I emailed asking for help,

and they completely ignored me.

Hmm.
Toby, this is Britta.

- Fraulein.
- And my best friend Troy.

And where's your constable?

Oh, my best friend Andrew.

He was supposed to come, but then his wife
wouldn't let him go at the last minute.

- She's such a...
Both: Minerva.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, oh, Minerva.

What a bitch.

Wait, was that the female inspector?

Not in front of Toby.

Hey, gluon line, we should
probably get in it right now.

Alternatively, someone might just happen

to have a pair of tickets
to the sold-out panel,

"Which Inspector would win
in a fight in space,

and which Inspector would win
in a fight in time?"

We can get that photo later.

Yeah, later.

That was when I wanted to take it.

Are you sure Troy and Abed want us here?

They do.
They just don't know it yet.

Now, remember, we're just a
couple of Captain Warphead fans.

Nobody will even notice we're here.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, yes?

Will you come with us?

- Where? Why? When?
- Oh.

Room service.

Yes, I'd like to order some food.

And how many people will be
dining today, Mrs. Winger?

Oh, I'm not...

Two.
Yeah, I'd like a turkey burger

and a second turkey burger,
but with no bun.

My husband doesn't do carbs.

But he would like a scotch.

And what kind of scotch
would your husband prefer?

The good kind.

I'll see what we can do.

Yes, Mrs. Winger?

Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you,

but are you Nigel Cuthbertson,

the actor who played Thoraxis?

[Bad British accent] Call me Nige.

We have every right to be here,
and I don't know if you're being sexist,

ageist, racist, or what,

but I don't think
I like your -ist.

Actually, we need your help.

We're focus-testing
a new American version

of Inspector Spacetime,

and you two represent
several significant quadrants.

Oh, I don't know.

Your thoughts would be
very valuable to us.

We're in.

- Toby, did you see...
- The Christmas special?

- Horrible.
- But when you consider

- what it set up...
- Brilliant.

- Is that--?
- Let's go.

What about the photo?

Do they even have to talk?

They could just touch tentacles
and download.

You know, this is good,
because, you know,

Abed's branching out,
and Toby's really, really great.

No.
Troy, I have seen that look.

Girls have given me that look.

You are not being crazy.

That dude is trying
to steal your boyfriend.

I'm gonna get a refill.

I mean... what if Abed wants to replace me?

It makes me so angry and sad
all at the same time.

I know, but you have to hide it,

because, for some reason,

men find these feelings to be psycho,

and, if you freak out,
it's only gonna push Abed away.

Like I always say, if you love someone,

set them free, and,
if they don't come back to you,

they were never yours to begin with.

That makes no sense.

What if they get hit by a car
or fall down a well?

Remind me not to put you down
as my emergency contact.

All right.
Play it cool.

Make nice with Toby.

Yeah.

[Orchestral music plays]

So?

What did everyone think?

I thought it was pretty good.

I was confused.

And what confused you?

The time travel mostly.

Also the space travel.

Anything else?

How many clipboards you got?

Raise the klaxon.

Me lorry's plunging it
into the Thames, methinks.

[Laughter]

Hey, do you mind if I practice
my American accent?

- I have an audition.
- Of course.

You really are an Inspector Spacetime fan.

Ever since I was little.

What is it you like about the show?

I think the show's philosophy
poses some really interesting...

- Questions about the nature--
- Bow before Thoraxis.

Bow before Thoraxis.

Okay, seriously, what was it?

You wear glasses?
You have a back brace?

Say it.
I don't care.

- And I asked myself...
- Excuse me. Sorry.

What does space smell like?

- You see, the thing of it--
- Oh, hey, there you guys are.

Oh, this is so nice, just three friends,

friending around
all unthreatened-like.

Terribly sorry.
This is slightly embarrassing.

- I seem to have forgotten your name.
- It's Troy!

You know it's Troy!

Okay, it's the first part
of Troy and Abed.

Toby and Abed in the Morning?

That's ridiculous.

I'm not psycho!

Okay.

- Where was I? Oh, yes--
- Troy's been acting weird lately.

The same thing happened with my
constable when he got a wife.

Which means of course
I now have one spare ticket

to the 50th anniversary
Inspector Spacetime convention

- in London.
- Demiceninspecticon?

But it's so soon, and London's too far.

In England, Cadbury creme eggs
are sold year-round.

I thought that was just a legend.

Past life as an alien...

Just a minute.

Just a second.

I've got your hair dryer,
Mrs. Winger.

Oh, thank you, Randy,
but it's not for me.

It's for my husband. He really
needs the diffuser for his hair.

It sounds shallow, but he's a lawyer.

Actually, having dual careers

has put a lot of stress on our marriage.

Hence the separate rooms.

But I think this trip is really
gonna change all that.

My husband will finally see me

not as a world-famous
police detective,

but as a woman.

Your husband's a lucky man.

That he is.

[Coughs]

Mm.

Tastes of bog.

You see?
It's funny because it's clear.

[Chuckles]

Actually I would like
to say something.

I am friends with a couple of
huge Inspector Spacetime fans,

and I think what they like
about the show

is that it's smart, complicated,

and doesn't talk down to its audience.

So, if you'd like to make
a really good American version,

you should stay true to that.

Hey, instead of this constable,

what about a blonde with
long legs and a tennis racket?

Yes.

Please.
For me.

Bow before...

Normally we don't concern
ourselves with adultery,

'cause then hotels wouldn't exist.

But everyone here thinks you're so nice.

So I had to bring you down here.

I don't believe it.
He told me he was leaving.

Say your catchphrase.

I'd rather not.

What the hell is going on here?

Suddenly our marriage
isn't worth repairing?

What?

- Whoo!
- Wait, Nigel is married?

That is so Thoraxis.

And your American accent
isn't at all convincing.

We come all this way,
and you just leave me alone

without so much as sending
a text message?

I am sick of it, Jeff...

Nigel Winger.

Can I get two more of these, please?

Enough!

This day has turned crazy.

I'm gonna go upstairs,
towel off, and pray to God

that I wake up in the middle of a final

for a class I didn't know
I was enrolled in.

[Scoffs]

Shoo.

Oh, honey.

You went all psycho girlfriend
on Abed, didn't you?

Yeah.
I screwed up.

Classsic Troy.

It's okay.

It happens to the best of us.

I got you a present.

A quantum spanner.

Yeah, it lights up

or plays music or something.

Britta,

would you agree to be bonded to me
forever in the gluon chamber

for an expensive souvenir photograph?

Absolutely.

[Sighs]

Thank you.

[Silently]
What?

I can't wait.
We can visit

the original Spacetime set.

And I've got a spare bedroom,
so you can stay as long as you like.

That all sounds great.

But I don't know if I could
just pick up and leave.

- I have a life here.
- For now.

What do you mean?

Well, let's face it.

Neurotypicals don't have
the same focus you or I have.

They always get distracted...

by marriage, kids,
competitive cooking shows.

- Like your best friend David.
- That's right.

Who was planning on coming here even
though you were trapped in Nigeria?

Yeah, but I wouldn't say trapped.

And you went to me and not to your
best friend and constable for help?

Well, his wife
probably deleted the email.

- She's a total...
Both: Minerva.

Right.

And you're dressed
as the third Inspector,

who was famous for trying
to strangle the actor

who played Constable Dudley, because
they were both pursuing Linda McCartney.

David doesn't actually exist, does he?

You're mad.

- Nothing you've said can prove that.
- Except that when we met you said

- his name was Andrew.
- Bollocks.

- Yeah.
- All right. Guilty as charged.

Look, I had to be sure, didn't I?

When you sent me that first email

in which you figured out
that Inspector Spacetime

is both his own grandfather
and grandmother,

I knew we were soul mates.

You and I are special.

Neurotypicals won't admit it,

but some people are just better
than everybody else.

They can't handle it,
so they always leave.

Just like how the brilliant Inspector
has constant adventures,

while his constables
always eventually return

to their dull, ordinary earth lives.

But maybe there's a reason the Inspector
always chooses a human companion.

He's an alien, but his human friends

keep him grounded
and invested in the world,

like with me and Troy.

If I could winger you for a second.

Sure. I don't know
what that means, but...

Maybe all relationships are
made up of logical inspectors

and emotional constables,
and we need both

to make space and time a better place.

Maybe you're right.

Wait, wait.
Toby, Toby, Toby, no.

Wait just a second.

[Chuckles]

Just playing a game.

[Emits high-pitched whine]

You have to let me out.

No, not until
Stockholm syndrome sets in.

How long do you think
that'll be, a couple of hours?

Would you love me if I got you a churro?

[Knock at door]

Annie.

Annie, I...

I'm not sure how much air
there is in here!

And still you talk.

Troy will find me.

- Who?
- You know who Troy is.

Yeah.
Troy will find me.

Everything okay?

Everything's fine.

What is a gluon anyway?

Can we stop talking about Abed?

I'm sorry.
I can't.

It doesn't feel right.

It's okay.
I understand.

Go to him.

- Are you sure?
- I've told you before.

I don't care about Inspector Spacetime.

[Bells tolling the hour]

Toby.

Where's Abed?

He's packing.

He said you have a girlfriend
and don't need him anymore.

He's coming with me to England.

- You're lying.
- How would you know?

Because Abed's my friend,

and he would have told me.

And he would have explained it
to me in very clear terms,

because I get confused sometimes.

He's in there, isn't he?

[Chuckles]

No.

- Hey, Troy.
- Hey, Abed.

Toby, have you ever been in a fight?

Because I have.

Oh, my God.
He can make a fist.

That would hurt harder than a slap.

He's in that one.

I knew that.

You okay?

I am.
You know, for the first time

in my long history
of being locked inside things,

I knew someone would come.

Still want to take the gluon photo?

- What do you think?
- Yes.

- Yes.
- Cool.

Well, I just went upstairs
and saw your room.

Saw the two robes, the two coffee cups,

one with lipstick, one without.
And...

I saw actual hair
that looked a lot like mine

on my side of the sink,

so I have some questions.

- Oh, God.
- First one,

is that actually my hair, and, if so,

did it fall out naturally?

Because if it did,
you need to tell me right now,

'cause I have to call science.

Also, what the hell is going on?

All right,
I may have been play-acting

that we were married, and then the staff

thought you were cheating,
and I had to save face.

Do I have to worry about this?

No, I was just daydreaming.

I mean, I've married you
at least a half a dozen times.

And Troy.
And Zac Efron.

Mostly Zac Efron.

Does Zac get a drink thrown in his face?

[Laughter]

I don't know.
I guess I was a little hurt

that you ditched me.

I mean, we are friends, right?

Would it have been that painful
to hang out together?

Well, I can tell you one thing
your fantasy got wrong.

If we were married, you wouldn't find me

flirting with another woman
in a hotel bar.

But there are a lot of things
that you think are fun

that I wouldn't want to do
because I'm...

- Older?
- Not lame.

Do you want to hang out now?

Can I buy you a drink?
What do you want?

An appletini.

Oh, God, don't make me order that.

- Please?
- Please?

[Giggles]

Appletini.

That is so great.

And I have a surprise for you guys.

Pow!

- Really pushing me here.
- He's back.

Do you mind if we crash this party?

That we already crashed.

Pierce, Shirley,
I'm glad you guys made it.

It was rude of me not to invite you.

- I'm sorry.
- Just remember, Abed,

I did my best.

We both did.

You're welcome.

So I guess we're taking off.

Actually, I'd like to stay
for a little while.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You don't have to do that for me.

Well, who says it's just for you?

Guys, get your phones ready,

because you are only
gonna see this once.

[All gasping]

Bow before Thoraxis.

See, this is why I don't hang
with you folks on the weekends.

Here we are, the 1960s,

the greatest, grooviest period
in the entire history

of the entire universe.

I'm lucky.
I get to visit places like this

because I can travel
through time and space,

but not both at once.

Do you know why that is, Ensign?

Because, Inspector Spacetime,

our minds would be blown
with the space/time confusion.

That's right.

And now I must sleep
with the sexiest woman here,

who is also my grandmother,

or I will cease to exist.

How do you know
I'm not your grandmother?

There's only one way to find out.

I hate you.

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