Community (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 1 - History 101 - full transcript

Troy and Abed back from summer.

Wait a minute.
Something's changed.

Oh, there's 12 additional
thumb tacks on that board.

They're driving me crazy.

No, I meant this.
Trying out the hipster look.

It's cool, but also not.

Hey, guys, have a good summer?

Take them off.

Happy first day of school.

Oh.

Good morning.
I brought brownies.



Oh.

Congratulations, it's me.

Huh, I see we've all reinvented
ourselves over the summer.

A little late
to the hipster party much?

A little much on the much much?

We should get to class?
Where's Pierce?

- I don't know.
- Hey-o!

Sorry, I'm late.

Damn Mexican cleaning woman
did a cha-cha

on my glasses,
so I got to wear this old pair.

Abed.
Abed.

- Abed.
- Yup.

Did you go to your happy place?

- Yeah.
- Did you envision



a babbling brook
like I described?

I started out
with a babbling brook,

but then I layered in elements
from our world.

I'm sure fans of the babbling
brook will complain,

but I thought
that was limiting.

Well, it's best
to keep it simple.

- It was a babbling brook.
- Okay.

Here's the deal, Jessica Biel.

The first day of senior year
is emotional for everyone,

so I hereby therapize you to go

to your happy place
whenever you feel stressed.

- I found my lucky notebook.
- Found my lucky charm.

Abed, you ready for our last
first day of school?

Are you ready, buddy?

I just need a minute.

♪ This is my show

♪ it's about me

♪ and all my friends

♪ on Abed TV

♪ my happy place,
nothing but fun ♪

♪ Nothing but laughs
and smiles ♪

♪ And then we rerun

♪ for those times
when life's too hard ♪

♪ To face.

♪ I'll find some happy
in my happy place ♪

Abed's Happy Community College
show is filmed

before a live audience
inside of my head.

I can't believe we're finally
getting into this class.

I can't believe there's a class called
"The History of Ice Cream."

Seniors!

There they are.

- Seniors!
- Oh, speaking of seniors,

I've decided I'm going
to do senioritis this year.

You know, just hangin' out
and blowin' off classes,

pullin' pranks,
not sayin' my "G" s.

Ooh, I'll pull
some pranks with you.

Okay.
Or Jeff or whoever.

You know, whoever's around.
Whatever.

So, Abed, after class,
we're still doing

our first-day-of-school tradition, right?
- You know it.

We like to make wishes
in the fountain.

- Ohh!
- Fellas, I hate to tell you,

wishes aren't real.

If you want something bad,
you have to work for it.

Or use a spell.

All of our wishes come true.

Last year, Troy wished we got
Bin Laden and the Dorito Taco.

Yeah, but Obama got credit
for both.

Could you wish for Jeff
to be on time for once?

No. No wasting wishes
on impossibilities.

We have to make
this year count,

especially
since it's the last one.

Oh, no, is all this
for "The History of Ice Cream"?

They overbooked it, so it's
first come, first serve now.

Oh, just like real ice cream.

- Guys, over here!
- Oh, Jeffrey.

Jeff, I can't believe
that you came early.

Don't you read
Gary's twitter feed?

He posted a crisis alert
about it.

I came early to save seats.

Oh, you know what, girls,
I gave you the old flyer.

"Instagram for besties"
is in room 44.

Showing up early,
helping others,

sending girls away?

Could this be
a whole new Jeff Winger?

Don't ruin it by approving it.

Oh, so that's progressed.

I mean, it's progressed,

but it hasn't
progressed-progressed.

It's progressive.

- Good luck, Troy.
- Hey!

You can't just walk in here!

I've been pissing in jars
for an hour

trying to keep this seat.

- Oh.
- Too bad, Leonard.

All right, all right.

All right.
Simmer Dean.

This can't be good.
He's dressed as himself.

Apparently Greendale's registration
system has been hacked.

That's right.
Someone hacked

into the supply closet
and counterfeited

these "History of Ice Cream"
admission cards.

Whoever did this is very good.

There is only one fair way
to solve this.

So follow me to...

The Hunger Deans!

Thank you.
Thank you.

There are 35 tests of strength

and agility.

The winner of each one
of these contests

will be awarded
a red rubber ball.

No ball, no ice cream.

And these are impossible
to counterfeit

because each one has been marked
by my distinct bite print.

- Oh, lord, no.
- Yes.

Guys, we need
to take this class.

It's the only History credit
this semester.

Whatevs.
We'll take it next semes.

Ter.
Semester.

But I need it now.

Okay, I took
some extra classes online,

and I'm one history credit away
from graduating.

Jeff, you're graduating early?

Well, graduating after 30
can't be characterized as early.

- When were you gonna tell us, Jeff?
- I was working on a speech.

And, believe me, it tied in
a lot of things.

There was a lot of resolutions
and epiphanies.

And it would have gone down
a lot better

after we had taken
the ice cream class together.

So that's why you were holding
our seats?

For your own selfish reasons?

No, I want us
to take the class together.

I just want it to be
the last class we take together.

I probably should have phrased

- that differently.
- Fine. Win your red ball.

What do I care?
I've got a senior prank to pull.

- Shirley.
- Mm-hmm.

So, Abed, ready
to make some wishes?

Make chocolate hot dogs
a reality?

Actually, why don't you go
with Britta?

I think I'll just hang out here
and watch.

Really?
Are you sure?

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- F-i-n-e or f-y-n-e?

We made one of 'em a code
for "not fine."

- Oh.
- F-y-n-e.

Okay, he's fine.
Let's go.

- See you around, old Jeff.
- No.

New Jeff. New Jeff does not
just look out for himself.

New Jeff is gonna win
seven red balls

because he is not gonna take
that class

unless you guys are with me.

Look, we're gonna have
to leave this place sometime.

Like an ice cream cone melting

in the sun, our time here
can't last forever.

That was part of the speech
I was writing!

Hey, guys.
What's going on?

Oh, just making plans
for the future.

Can't stay
at Greendale forever.

Hey, is mine different
than yours?

Look out below.

Coming in for a land-Dean.

Amelia Earhart?

Close.
I am America's sexiest aviator,

Leo DiCaprio.

And, just as his character
lost his mind,

so have I lost
your student records.

What?
I can't believe it.

Yeah, Amelia Earhart
would have been faster.

As you know,
our student records are stored

on a Microsoft Paint file,
which I was assured

was future-proof.

Meanwhile,
our extended warranty

is not being honored by the restaurant
that used to be Circuit City.

But I think the fairest way
to handle this

is to have everyone repeat
the last three years.

You can't be serious.

In-Dean, I am.

I'm gonna be here forever.

Forever.
Forever. Forever.

I'm gonna stay in here forever.

Gentlemen... and ladies.

My first red ball

is way up high.

To touch my ball,

first touch the sky.

Go!

Give it up, Leonard.

I'm gonna eat
your ice cream, Winger.

Agh!
You? You're pre-med!

- I want ice cream.
- Yeah, well, I want

to graduate with dignity.

Not cool!

Jeff's really going
after that ball.

There's got to be a joke
in there somewhere.

That's my first ball.

New Jeff!

Give me a minute.
Give me a minute.

No.

You know, if we're doing the
first three years over again,

I could change majors.

I've always been curious
about Forensics.

Hey, did you know
you could major in Antics?

I checked.
You need a tomfoolery pre-req,

but they waive it for women.

This is lunacy.

We are not gonna start over
as freshmen.

Hey, there's
a freshman mixer tonight.

Are you guys freshmen?

We can be.

This prank is amazing.

He's gonna come in here later
and have the creepy feeling

someone was in here.

We should go
before we get caught.

Well, aren't we gonna do
something now that we're here?

Do something?

All right.

A prank on a prank.

Let's move everything
on his desk over an inch

except his stapler.

Then he'll think
we moved his stapler.

Oh, my God, there's
so many levels to this.

How about we fill his car
with popcorn?

That sounds messy.

That sounds messy!

Okay, keys.
Keys.

Okay, I'm the Dean.

I come into my office,

turn on the light.

"Oh, my, did my stapler
grow legs and move?"

Then come over here for coffee.

I would hide my keys

in...
Huh.

Oh.

- Heels.
- Oh, you got skills.

Oh.

- Look who got his ball.
- Not my ball.

Your ball.

I just wanted you guys
to see it.

- New Jeff.
- Jeffrey, is that blood on your shirt?

Oh, no, it's cool.
It's Leonard's.

Oh.
Oh.

Two balls!

This is gonna be so good
when I finally get it.

It's a little weird
doing this without Abed.

Come on.
It'll be fun.

I'll put my...
my Britta twist on it.

I got skills.
I got skills.

- Sorry.
- Let's get this started.

We always do
the first one together.

One, two, three.

- I wish for a great school year.
- I wish for 1,000 wishes.

Great school year?

The first wish
is always for 1,000 wishes.

But we have all these coins.

Yeah, but the coins
aren't the wishes.

Oh, I didn't know that.

I wish for Britta to have 499
of my remaining wishes.

Thank you.

I wish to end all wars.

That's another rule.

No wishes
containing the word "all."

Guaranteed ironic consequences.

I don't think
anyone's gonna miss wars.

Uhm, Star Wars, Thumb Wars,

wow, Storage Wars!

Fine.

You can't get in the fountain.

- I'm taking that penny back.
- I already told you,

the pennies aren't wishes.

You can't flip a wish.

- That's ridiculous.
- Your rules are ridiculous.

They're Abed's rules.

And they're awesome,
and they always work.

Well, Abed's not here, so...

Unwish!

- You can't do that.
- I just did.

- Unwish!
- No! Rewish.

- Ununwish.
- Give me it! Unwish!

No!

No!
Oh, I'm sorry.

What... you're helping me!

You're helping.
I like it.

- Unwish! Unwish!
- Oh, God!

Why does this feel good?

Stupid, selfish Jeff

coming here,
ruining our senior year.

Ah, great!
My "G" s are back.

Yes, it's crummy
that Jeff is leaving early,

but we're all graduating
eventually.

But why the rush?

What, so Jeff can run off
and be a gross lawyer again?

Troy and Abed
start drinking coffee?

I become
a boring hospital administrator?

- Who wants to do that?
- You do. Right?

Yay, hospital administration!

Can't wait to be buried alive

under a pile of paperwork
and bed pans,

just trying to summon the
courage to ask out Dr. Patel,

the gorgeous Indian neurosurgeon
who doesn't even know I exist.

This isn't a conversation,
is it?

Whoo-hoo! The sad, slow march
toward death begins.

Senioritis!

Ready, set...

Third ball.

Fourth ball.

Well, well, well.

Looks like someone wants
to be a hero.

A big man.
A huge, throbbing, sweaty...

Dean, I just want to get my history
credit and get out of here.

And I just need to know
how bad you want it.

The next competition
will be particularly difficult

for some of you
because... lt requires

complete emotional commitment.

The Tango.

I will be the judge.

There can only be one winner,

so choose your partners wisely.

Come on, Winger.

It's water
under the bridge, right?

- Partners?
- Sorry.

My dance card's full.

For my partner
in the Tango competition,

I choose...

The Dean.

The fountain works.

All these balls.

I'm so close, I can taste it.

Pierce, only you could turn
a freshman mixer

into a disaster.

I was this close
to getting those two girls.

Jeff, look how close you're
holding your fingers together.

That's your penis.

Guys, great news.

After just one Forensics class,

I found a way
to retrieve our student records.

It turns out there's a backup.

And it's in this safe.

I have a theory, Dean.

Do tell.

I don't think
you want me to graduate.

Don't be absurd, Jeffrey.

I want success
for all Greendale students.

Oh, really?
Then answer me this.

What happened
to the other History class?

What other History class?

The second History class,

the one
that actually taught History,

that disappeared
from the schedule

after I took summer classes.

Oh, you're telling yourself
a fantasy.

Who really made those
counterfeited ice cream tickets?

Who's so good
that they got your handwriting

with its hearts and flourishes?

Oh, God, you're right.

I can't let you go, Jeffrey.

You weren't supposed
to compete.

You were supposed to walk away
with the rest of the study group.

You can't not get rid of me
that easily.

Oh, God, why'd I make it
feats of strength and grace?

It's as if I wanted you to win.

But that can't be true.

Smile.

Best friends!

Let's hug it out.
Okay.

Here.
One more ball to go.

But it's another dance contest,
so I think I got it.

What's wrong with Abed?

No, no, no, no,
don't open the safe.

We're redoing
our first three years.

- That's what I want.
- It's okay, Abed.

Here's a trick I use
when I feel overwhelmed.

Just imagine a happy place

and then go there.

♪ Greendale babies ♪

♪ we're happy and we're free ♪

♪ Greendale babies™ªs

♪ fun for you and me

♪ Greendale babies forever ♪

Greendale babies
will be right back forever!

Pierce, what did you do
to Abed?

Gay balls!

Nailed it.

- Don't ask.
- Don't tell.

Poor Abed. Is he
in his imagination emporium?

Dreamatorium. No, this seems
like something new.

Abed was having some anxiety
about all the changes this year,

so I may have told him to go
to a happy place in his mind.

You told him to go somewhere
in his mind?

Do you realize
who you told that to?

The last competition
to win a red ball

begins in one minute.

Honestly, Jeff, you can go.

No one will think
you're selfish.

This looks bad.

I wish I hadn't broken Abed.

There is one thing
we could try.

Oh, okay.

Hey, let's play Pretend.

Yeah, we could be cowboys.

We could be spacemen.

That's right, baby Pierce.
We can play forever.

- It's not working.
- What's not working?

Okay, contestants, final
competition begins right now.

God, I hate new Jeff.

Hey, guys,
I have something to say.

Yay!
Like always!

I was just outside Babyville.

There's nothing
outside Babyville.

You know what, there is!

And it was scary,

because change is always scary.

But then I thought of you guys,

and I wasn't so scared.

Abed, when you brought
this group together,

you changed our lives,
but then we changed each other.

And we're gonna keep changing
in unexpected ways.

And we're still gonna be
friends,

even if we don't all become
professors at Greendale

or open a restaurant together

or move into the same apartment
building after Pierce dies.

Even if we go somewhere,

we're not going anywhere.

Aww.

That was a killer speech, Jeff.

- Oh.
- I didn't say anything.

I literally just walked up.

I know.
I made the speech for you.

It hit all the right notes.

I was trying to hang on to this
moment because I was so afraid

of the future,
but then I realized

all of this
was once the future.

And it was completely different
from what I'd known before.

And it was happening so fast,

but in the end,
or in the now, I guess,

it turned out great.

And just like ice cream,

we've melted together
and made a new...

I just had to run the scenario
to figure it out.

Oh.

Sorry I missed the fountain.

It's okay.

Britta introduced a new rule...

no rules.

Cool.
We can discuss it.

When they were incepting,

I got their balls.

Well, now that we're out
of History of Ice Cream,

I can finally take
"Advanced Claims Denial."

You should take "Forensics."

Can somebody tell me
what the hell we just did?

Jeffrey.

- Jeffrey, wait.
- Dean, what are you...

Oh! You smell like the floor
of a movie theater.

Yeah,
but not for the usual reasons.

I have had the worst day.

Our dance photo
didn't come out,

someone moved my stapler,

and, worst of all, I hurt you.

But you'll be happy to know

that we'll be offering
another History class,

because I care about you.

And not because I found out
if we don't offer

a real History class we'll lose,
like, $40,000 in grant money.

Thank you, Dean.

By the way, you didn't have
to come all this way

- to tell me that.
- Oh, no, it wasn't a problem.

It's on my way.

Please tell me
you're breaking into that condo.

No, I bought it.

Now we'll be
like almost roomies.

Oh, good, you got wine.
I've got friends with benefits.

No subtext.

I don't know why I was
so worried about change.

This year's gonna be great.

I'll be right over.

Are you sure
this is gonna work?

Guaranteed to work.
It's an antic.

Ahh!
Not so fast, you two.

- Get ready to run.
- In these heels?

Where'd you girls
get those dresses?

They're fabulous.

- Mm.
- They're charming.

Oh!

Not so fast, mister.

- Excuse you?
- Excuse me. Thank you, sir.

- Not for you.
- Hello, it's Britta.

Okay, I know a man
when I see one.

Oh, lord, no!