Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 22 - Introduction to Finality - full transcript

So... cellular mitosis
is what?

I miss Troy.

Wrong, and stop guessing that.

Annie.
I'm worried about Abed.

He hasn't left the apartment
since Troy moved out.

He won't even play
in the Dreamatorium.

Sorry, not "play."

"Render
imaginated dreamscapes."

Guys, we just finished
retaking biology all summer,

and if I don't pass this final,
it was for nothing.

Can we stay on target?



Did someone say
"sexy construction worker"?

- Ooh!
- Stay... stay on target.

I'm dressed like this

because I'm building
to big news.

Subway has officially ended
its agreement with Greendale,

and the restaurant I've chosen

to occupy the cafeteria
kiosk is...

Shirley's Sandwiches!

I just need one of you
to sign this

as the official owner
of the business.

Ooh, we should both sign it,
we're 50-50 partners.

But there's only one
dotted line on the form, so...

- Oh, well, Pierce can...
- Me.

- Hey!
- I paid for it.



Well, there'd be no "it"
to pay for

if I hadn't done all the work.

My goodness, this molehill
is becoming a mountain.

You guys work it out,

while I put together
an Alpine costume.

I knew eventually
you'd try to box me out

of my own business,
just like Hawthorne Wipes did.

I'm not letting you guilt me

into letting you call yourself
the owner of my company.

Jeff! Hello?

- Get involved.
- No.

I am here to replace
my fake bachelor's

so I can get back
to my life as a lawyer.

Nobody else is sacrificing
their interests.

Don't ask me to sacrifice mine.

Don't ask me to sacrifice mine.

- Ooh, I gotta go.
- Unbelievable.

Today is Abed's
first therapy session.

His what?

He's been feeling
extra vulnerable lately

having lost Troy to the air
conditioning repair school,

so he's finally gonna let me

practice my psych skills
on him.

Give me some credit, Winger.

What's the worst
that could happen?

Classic tee-up.

Shut up, Leonard,
I know about your crooked wang.

No such thing as bad press.

Hey, Abed.

This can't be good.

♪ Give me some rope
tie me to dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said
it could be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count
the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one
they all just fade away ♪

There are those who ask,
why connect the capillary tube

directly to
the compressor valve?

Oh, sure,
why not just attach it

to the moisture accumulator?

Hey, Troy.

We boring you?
I miss my friends.

- He misses his friends.
- Aww.

Mr. Barnes...

Gather your things
and come with me.

Now!

The sun chamber.
A shameful relic

from a savage chapter
of our history.

Repairmen would duel
each other inside,

losers succumbing
to heat exhaustion, or worse.

- Troy, there is a prophesy.
- I miss Abed so much.

I'm ashamed to confess
that I once thought

that this might be me.

Now I realize that it's you.

You are
the true repairman, Troy.

You fix not only
air conditioners...

but the men who fix them.

It's a trade school.
It's a two-year degree

in boxes that make rooms cold.

Sir, there's been a flow duct
rupture in quadrant four.

I'll handle it.

This is your destiny,
Mr. Barnes.

The true repairman
will repair man.

Abed.

I'm not talking to you
because I'm not crazy.

Think of it as inner dialogue.

I'm reading the novelization
of Chronicles of Riddick.

Can you honestly tell me
that's a saner decision?

You're worried
you'll go crazy without Troy.

That's why you're gonna
let Britta fix you, right?

Because you think
you're broken,

you're gonna get diagnosed
by someone who said

her favorite superhero
was "x-man"?

I'm a little scared.
Things are bad.

When the world
gets bad enough, Abed,

the good go crazy.
But the smart...

They go bad.

Come on in here,
let's talk about it.

I think it's safer
if I talk to Britta.

I think it's even safer
if I talk to her first.

Hello.

Are you here to help me
with biology,

or get me to help you?

- Bi-ol-o-gy.
- Are you lying?

Hard to break the word "yes"
into lilting syllables, huh?

Ye-es?

Look, Pierce and I are so close

to getting the sandwich
shop going.

- I just need you to help...
- Look.

You want one piece
of free advice?

Let Pierce cool down.

You know how crazy
and paranoid he can get.

A-ha! Crazy?
Paranoid? Impotent?

- Cellular...
- I knew you'd run to Jeff,

and turn him against me.
- Mitosis.

Guys, why are we yelling?

- You sign that paper, I'll sue.
- Well, hold on.

This will be settled
in Greendale court, 3:00 P.M.

Obviously, Shirley
has her counsel,

and I get to dress
like a judge.

I was born in a courtroom,

sued it for my own placenta,
and won.

Now I'm calling my lawyer.

My biology final
is at 5:00.

I'm available
from 3:00 to 4:00.

I'll see you in court.

Hello, Abed?
Ready to get therapized?

Abed?

Hello, Britta.

Come in.

What's going on?

Vice Dean Laybourne was
repairing a flow duct rupture,

and he inhaled
a lethal dose of freon.

May his breeze join the wind.

Okay, so mitosis
is when cells divide...

I wonder who Pierce is
gonna get to represent him.

I promise,
whoever Pierce brings

won't be prepared for me.
That's the Winger guaran...

Is that the cold-blooded
former colleague

that got you fired
from your old law firm

by ratting on you
to the state bar?

Tee.

So is this a conflict of interest?

You know, Alan working
at your former firm and all?

Hey, Pierce just did you
the biggest favor of your life.

He hired a guy I've spent
the last two years fantasizing

about stabbing
in the... Sundance!

- Tango!
- Hey.

So... The case
of the sandwich signature.

What are you doing here?

I mean, me, I have to, but you?

Hawthorne's a cash cow,

and old a-con here
is tugging at that teat.

That's money.

Money.

Please stop that.

So full disclosure.
The firm would really like

to keep vitamin "p"
in its medicine chest.

Full disclosure.

I really want to be
done by 4:00.

Oh, that's the Jeff
wing basket I remember loving.

Hey, just go easy on Shirley.

Scout's honor, Sinead O'Connor.

Oy-yay, oy-yay, the honorable
Craig Pelton presiding.

First off, there's one decision

I'll need your help making.

Judging Amy or Judge Judy?

You say your name is Evil Abed,

which does not throw me,
because I'm a therapist.

So let's talk about evil.

You know what? Maybe I should
talk to Good Abed instead.

Where I come from,
his name is Lame Abed.

- And you come from...
- The darkest timeline.

You might call it
the Britta of timelines,

where everything is the worst.

Jeff has one arm there.
Annie shot Pierce.

- Troy can't speak...
- Ah!

Now we're getting somewhere.
I think lame Abed sent you

to talk because you're more
equipped to deal with fear.

That's the lame way
of seeing it, yes.

Here's the truth.

I've crossed
into your dark timeline,

and now I'm going to darken it.

How?

Tell me about
your parents, Britta.

Um... No?

Barnes, you should be
in the chapel.

We lost a great man today.

Yeah, he was the best,
wasn't he?

That's why I don't understand

how he could rupture
a freon line.

That's kind of
a rookie mistake.

I'm sure it was just
a faulty valve.

My first order as vice Dean,

I'm gonna have them
all replaced.

So you're vice Dean now?

Why the sudden interest
in air conditioning repair?

I thought you missed
your friends.

- I do.
- Then go be with them.

I'm releasing you.

- But you...
- Goodbye, Troy.

Miss Edison, do you recognize
the baby in that picture?

That's Shirley's baby Ben.

Would you think less
of Shirley Bennett

if she offered
to sell Ben on craigslist

for a chance
to bump it with Denzel?

That was a joke for my cousin.

Damn those Facebook
privacy settings.

- Jeff, do something.
- He's got nothing.

I'm sure she didn't mean that.

Or perhaps she doesn't
even love that baby,

because she spent most
of last year not even knowing

who the father is.
- Objection.

Establishing character,
your honor.

This woman is clearly unfit
to own a sandwich shop.

Alan, come on.

No furths.

I thought you said
you were gonna go easy.

Felt easy to me.

What was he wearing?

He was dressed as a dinosaur.

Is that why you dropped
out of High School?

I don't know.

- Are those even real glasses?
- No.

Ah, do you feel that, Britta?

- Your timeline's 10% darker now.
- This was 10%?

Do you know what kind of person
becomes a psychologist, Britta?

A person that wishes,
deep down,

that everyone more special
than them was sick,

because "healthy" sounds so much
more exciting than "boring."

You're average, Britta Perry.

You're every kid
on the playground

that didn't get picked on.

You're a business casual
potted plant,

a human white sale.

You're VH1, Robocop 2,
and Back to the Future 3.

You're the center slice
of a square cheese pizza.

Actually, that
sounds delicious.

I'm the center slice
of a square cheese pizza.

You're Jim Belushi.

Ah.

12%

Where are you going?

To make this timeline
the darkest of all.

Starting with your lame hero,
Jeff Winger.

I don't suppose lame Abed
owns a bone saw.

So, Pierce, you're seeking
full ownership

of Shirley's Sandwiches.

After all, you did provide
100% of the financing.

Correct.

You really did?
Oh, damn it.

Jeez, I came to this
thing unprepared.

I mean, I-I guess it's my job
to somehow tarnish you

in the eyes of the court,
but, uh...

- Let me check my notes.
- Take your time.

Thanks.

Hey, uh, while
I'm doing this...

Does anybody know
any funny jokes?

I do.

An Irish and a Jew walk
into a Chinese laundry...

With a gay duck.

- All right, okay!
- Oh, right!

So you're telling me they're
not good at basketball?

I have no questions,
your honor.

Cruel.
Cruel, cruel, cruel.

In the name
of the five winds...

East, West, North,

the one we keep secret,
and South,

I hereby proclaim you...

This ceremony is a lie.

And having
a special room for it

is a waste
of valuable floor space.

You are no longer
a student here.

And we use this room
for yoga on weekends.

- Remove him.
- I am the truest repairman.

And this man is a dishonor

to making air conditioners
work good.

And I have the right
to challenge him...

In the sun chamber.

Holy crap.

Your less than honor,
can I call a recess?

Ooh, yay, costume change.

Court briefly adjourned.

What are you trying
to do, Winger?

Zealously represent
your client?

Let me make things
a little easier for you.

Figure out a way
to throw this case,

or figure out
where you're gonna work

when you get out of here,
because I don't know

where it's gonna be
if it's not for us.

That's right, Jeff.
I went there.

You drove me there.
Miss Daisy's in the house,

thanks for the ride,
sorry about slavery.

Don't oversell
your clout, Alan.

You're partner
because I sold you to Ted.

- Ted respects me...
- Ted's gone.

He got too old, couldn't swim
with the sharks, and got eaten.

That makes no sense.
He started the firm.

- You can't lose your own firm.
- You can if you're dead.

That shark thing
was not a metaphor.

I'm the big dog now.

So you want
the last three years

in this toilet to have a point?

Then I'm the guy
you got to make happy.

Or, you know, you could
finish up your big win here.

Court is in session.

Blind Justice presiding...
aah! Oh, my God!

Ahh!
Oh, one more recess.

I hit the corner
right on a fresh tattoo.

Well boys and girls...

I hope you brought
your popsicles,

because it's about
to get scalding hot

in the sun chamber.

You already know the rules...

Because there aren't any!

Jeez, Dennis, are you on coke?

Take that crap off
and sit down.

Sorry about that.
Of course there are rules.

Two men are sealed
in the chamber,

each with a broken unit.

The heat will increase
until one man yields...

or dies.

Begin!

You're just in time
for Jeff's closing statements.

Who cares?
Everything is terrible.

Oh, no. Have you been
watching Dance Moms again?

I'm thinking of dyeing my hair.

Evil Abed, what are you doing?

I'm going to cut off
Jeff Winger's arm.

I won't let you.
That's horrible.

Don't you mean dark?
Welcome to my world.

Psst! Jeff! Winger!

Jeffrey, this is a...
a terrible situation

for me to have put you in.

A guy like Alan isn't above
making trouble for you

at your old firm.
- Shirley, I...

It's not worth your career.

I want you to have
what you want.

- Thank you, Shirley.
- Settle down.

Okay, Jeffrey, let's have
your closing statement.

Your honor...

I have no closing statement,
because I'm throwing the case.

- No, no, it's okay.

It's fine, don't worry.

My client, Shirley Bennett,
my friend of three years,

she told me that it was okay.

She said what I want
was more important.

She's right, right?

I mean, guys like me,

we'll tell you
there's no right or wrong.

There's no real truth.

I'll kill you.

I'll kill you
just like I killed him.

And as long as
we all believe that,

guys like me can never lose.

Was that out loud?

Because the truth is...

I'm lying when I say
there is no truth.

The truth is...
the pathetically, stupidly,

inconveniently obvious
truth is...

Helping only ourselves is bad,
and helping each other is good.

Now I just wanted
to get out of here,

pass biology,
and be a lawyer again

instead of helping Shirley.

That was bad.

And my former colleague

wanted so badly
to keep his rich client

that he just asked me
to roll over

in exchange for my old job.

So I guess we all walked
in here pretty bad.

But now...

Shirley's gone good.

Shirley's helping me.

It's that easy.

You just stop thinking
about what's good for you,

and start thinking about
what's good for someone else.

And you can change
the whole game

with one move.

Now if you like this idea,
you can make it true

by doing something good
for everyone here.

Throw this case out of court.
It's dumb.

That is all.

I withdraw my case.

Why didn't you just do some

inspirational speech
about friendship?

You're fired.

Way to go, soft serve.
You're finished.

By the way, never got a chance
to tell you this,

but it was me who turned you
in to the state bar.

I know.

And I never got
a chance to thank you.

This place has made you so gay.

Hey! Don't use "gay"
as a derogatory term.

Booyah, good person.

Gentlemen, take this man

to the infinite labyrinth
of eternal ice.

- Yes!
- No!

No, take him to the police.

He murdered someone.
Take him to jail.

You guys are weird.

Jeff, that was great.

You were like
a white Blair Underwood.

Shirley,
if you're willing, I think

we should let Jeff sign
the sandwich shop form.

Yeah, you could represent
both of us.

You know, like our attorney.

My God, Pierce!
You had your first good idea.

- Thank you.
- Britta, I'm so sorry.

It doesn't matter, Abed.

I should've never
played therapist with you.

I'll change my major
just one more time.

But you can't.
You cured me.

I mean, I'm not cured.
I'm willing to admit

I definitely need therapy.

You're the only kind
of shrink I could ever trust.

The kind with as little control
over my mind as me.

Mind if I cut in?

Troy!

You're back.

Yeah, I made a new rule

that the air conditioning
repair school

has to act like
a regular school.

I can do that
because I'm their messiah.

Cool. I went crazy and
I wanted to cut off Jeff's arm.

I missed you so much, buddy.

So, Jeff,
we still best friends?

All right.

Cellular mitosis.
What is it?

♪ Give me some rope ♪

♪ Tie me to dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope ♪

♪ To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said ♪

♪ It could be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ But I love you more
than words can say ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ One by one
they all just fade away ♪

♪ I'm tired
of the wait and sees ♪

♪ I'm tired of that
part of me ♪

♪ That makes up a perfect lie ♪

♪ To keep us between ♪

♪ But hours turn into days ♪

♪ So watch
what you throw away ♪

♪ And be here to recognize ♪

♪ There's another way ♪

Hello, everybody.
I'm Leonard.

And I'm here today to review
Let's Potato Chips.

$1.79 at Kroger's.

Ah.

Get this sucker open...

Ah, there we are.

Now, I've already had
some of these,

but let's see.

Mmm! Crispy. Mm-hmm.

Salty, not too greasy.

That one's shaped like a duck.

Well, I guess
that's definitely a buy.

That's it.

Let's Potato Chips are good,
and they're a buy.

♪ I'm as high as hell,
you're about to get shot ♪