Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 21 - The First Chang Dynasty - full transcript

The Study Group, now known as the "Greendale Seven," launches a plot to rescue the real dean Pelton and end Chang's reign of terror over Greendale.

A new day has dawned
at Greendale Community College.

Some said we'd never bounce back...

...after the events
of the Star-Burns wake riot...

by the Greendale Seven.

But today, the guilty parties
have been expelled, enrolment is up...

...and tuition
is more affordable than ever.

The architect
of this modern-day miracle?

Security Chief
Benjamin Franklin Chang.

A man who has brought security,
harmony and success... what is becoming the area's
premier community college.

Greendale's never been better.
Thanks, Chang.

- You see? It's not the real dean.
- Of course.

The head of security at Greendale
Community College has kidnapped...

...the dean and replaced him
with a "deanelganger."

When you say it that way,
it sounds ridiculous.

The word we used
was "doppeldeaner."

Look, I hate cops.

You have to do something.

Isn't this a felony?

Chang is holding a man
against his will.

The real dean never would have
expelled us. He loved us.

love is not admissible evidence.

Love is not admissible evidence

I'm working on a cop opera.

- "Copera!"
- "Police-ical."

Fine. We'll get some proof.

No, you won't. If I catch any of you
within 50 feet of Greendale...

...I'll throw you all in jail.

Thanks for the hot water.

Wait. Copera!

I'm watching you. Move along.

How's the planning going
for my birthday Chang-stravaganza?

Magician's booked, invitations went out
to the board and the Budweiser frogs.

- Perfect.
- Yeah, one little snag.

See, we're running out of money...

...with the students dropping out
and the cost of your throne...

It's a prescription throne.
I have back mumps.

Don't look it up. It's rare.

But you might be right.

We should free up some revenue
for entertainment at the party.

Where's my "deanel-Chang-er?"

Fire the custodial staff.

Okay. Cool.

Think I could get out early?
My wife's getting her braces off...

- No.
- Okay.

I love how binoculars make things
seem like they're close.

- Like telephones for your eyes.
- Telephones for your eyes.

Snagged one of those flyers.

Chang kidnaps the dean,
now a birthday party?

It's just like Stalin
back in Russia times.

Dance-off? Sundae bar?

One of those
Ed Hardy street magicians?

What kind of monster would...?
Photo booth with props.

Chang's holding the dean, but no way
we're getting past those guards.

We need somebody on the inside.

I may know a guy.

And the Air Conditioning Repair Annex
won't admit to what's going on.

But the fact is,
wherever there is air, we have eyes.

- Gross.
- Suffice it to say...

...if Chang
were holding your dean captive...'d be pretty foolish
to hold him on campus.

It'd be even more foolish to hold him in
the central air room in the cafeteria...

...which we monitor.

Oh, no, Jeffrey.

Looks like PB&J again.

You win the bet.

- So he's in the cafeteria building?
- Suppose he is. In the basement.

Suppose you wanted to get to him.

Suppose you managed to make it
past the guards at the front.

There's 50 more inside.

Armed to the teeth with stun batons
and misplaced sexual aggression.

Let's say you get past them.

Then you get to meet
Chang's number one, Joshua.

A 4-foot-10, 105-pound bucket
of piss and zit cream.

I cannot express to you
how much I hate this kid.

Now, beyond that dog-sneeze
in a pair of Reeboks... a state-of-the-art keypad
on the basement door.

And just for extra fun,
they change the code every day...

...and the only copy
is locked up in Chang's office.

Now, just for a lark...

...let's pretend you make it
to the basement door.

Who is there to greet you?

Another guard and another lock
to which there is only one key.

And where is that key?

Well, where is it?

Oh, sorry, it's very clear in my head.

Key is around Chang's neck.
The point is...'re not getting down there
without our help.

- So help us.
- We have no horse in this race, but...

...there is one thing we want.

Not a lot of people
get a second chance.

Just you and probably Obama.

Give it some thought.

- Troy's intel, Greendale is impregnable.
- So, what do we do?

One answer. Elaborate heist?
Elaborate heist?

We'll need disguises.
I do a great swami.

Of course, it works best with a cobra,
but cut me a length of garden hose...

Forgetting that if we get caught,
we go to jail?

You know how long someone as
sarcastic as I am would last in prison?

Such a long time. There's got to be
a practical way to do this.

There is another way in.

If I enrol in the a.c. school,
they'll help us.

We could walk in and out.

I'll have to move out
and into a.c. school housing...

...and I won't be able to hang out
with you guys anymore...

...or have a relationship,
or use the word sensational.

Troy, we are not losing you
to save the dean...

...or Greendale, or anything, ever.

Don't be so dramatic, Troy.
The answer is simple.

- We have to plan an elaborate heist.
- Yes.

Great, I'll get my turban.

Everyone except Pierce
has to plan an elaborate heist.

Happy birthday, Ben.
On behalf of the school board.

Shower organiser?
Are you guys psychic?

Well, you deserve it.
You have worked wonders here.

Oh, you boners.
Now, go party your butts off.

Your butt could use it, Richie.

Listen up, men. Keep an extra deep
lookout for the Greendale Seven.

I won't have them
ruining my 25th birthday.

Yes, sir.
By the way, your cake just arrived.

Shirley will enter first through
the loading dock disguised as the chef.

From there,
she'll head into the kitchen.

You had time to build a working
water fountain, and I'm a pinecone?

Chang eats the sun
And drinks the skies

And they both go with him
When he dies

Once in, she'll unload the goods.

This girl in Chicago
won't stop Facebooking me.

Looks like J-swag's
going deep dish.

Then it's time forphase two:
toilet trouble.

Oh, crap. Somebody call a plumber.

Sounds you schnooks got a flood
the size of my wife's attitude problem.

You guys aren't the usual plumbers.

Oh, Mr. Brand Loyalty over here.

Okay, give me your names for the
report, in case Chang wants to know...

...why his birthday party turned
into The Poseidon Adventure.

Okay, okay. Follow me, then.

Finally. Oof baboof with you two.

Here's your problem. You people
gotta start chewing your food.

We have to tap
into the hydraulic flap valve... don't be alarmed
if things get noisy.

Like my wife's mouth.

If we break through this wall
into Chang's office...

...we'll have access
to the basement door codes.

I'll take care
of cancelling the magician.

Yeah, sorry, Mr. Nightshade,
gig's cancelled.

- How's the guard?
- Boys are pathetic.

Two days of Facebook with this Joshua
kid and he's eating out of my hands.

"Got a new flavour lip balm.

Meet me at Chili's in 10 minutes."

I wanna reiterate
this should be the only time...

- seduce a child over the Internet.
- I know.

Chili's? Sick!

Hey, bro, you watch my post?

Yeah, whatever. What's up?

I'm in. Cue the abracadabra.

Is that me in my swami disguise?

No, Pierce, for the last time...'re in the getaway van because
your swami act is notoriously horrible.

A, that is racist.

B, swamis can't drive,
they're Indians.

Pierce, just do your part. Leave
the entertainment to Britta and me.

Ricky Nightshade,
the rock 'n' roll magician.

I'm starting. I need a volunteer.

I'll kill anyone who raises their hand.

Pick a card and look at it.

Strap him!

I'm in.

Okay, it was just my head before,
but now I'm really in.


Four, one, two, six.

I'm in. Where's the key?

- I'm in.
- I know.

Everybody else got to say it.

Is this your card?

I don't remember.

Nightshade! Nightshade!

Greetings, greetings,
baba ghanoush.

Take me to the birthday boy.

Wait a minute. Pierce?

No, not knowing this Pierce. I...

I am a mystical swami. I come
to boogie down. I'm boogying down.


Jeff, we've been made. Cover me.


- No!
- Everything all right, Ben?

Peachy keen, Avril Lavigne.

tell me you got eyes on the dean.

the pixie has left the toadstool.

- No! Where's my monitor?
- The pixie has left the toadstool.

Gotcha. Code Chang.

All units converge
on the south library hallway.

The best part
is that at a certain point...'s gonna look like the plan
is failing.

But that's when it's gonna turn out
that the failing plan...

...was all part of the plan.

Chang eats the sun
And drinks the sky

Johnny Passerby, this job's bigger
than my wife's credit bill at Marshalls.

They got great stuff, I know.

I need your dean for approval.

Craig. Is that A-I or I-A? I forget.

Oof baboof,
I spilled plumber's acid all over youse.

- What do I do?
- Take off your clothes.

tell me you got eyes on the dean.

the pixie has left the toadstool.

the pixie has left the toadstool.

Jeffrey! Oh, hey, Britta.

How the Chang?

I'm contaminated with plumber's acid,
but they're coming back with a lotion.

Sarcastic claps.

Pretty clever.

A plan that looked like it failed
and then turned out to work.

Too bad your real plan really failed.

- What's so funny?
- You idiot.

The plan was for the plan
to seem like it was failing.

You think you caught us,
but we made it out with the real dean.

Ocean's Eleven, baby.

Pierce, I'm the real dean.

Getting caught the first time
was part of the plan.

This time is because we suck.

Shirley, where the hell
did you come from?

- You can't hold us here forever.
- I don't need to.

I just wouldn't want you to leave
before the big fireworks show.

Fireworks show?

It's a surprise for the end of the night
planned by "the dean."

Only, silly dean, he stored
all the fireworks in the records room.

And when the works
"accidentally" go off...

...when I hit final note
on my awesome keytar solo...

...they'll burn up the records
and all evidence of my misdeeds.

Chang, you're insane.
You're still into keytar?

We'll tell the board what you did.

You think
they'll believe the Greendale Seven...

...and worst dean ever over the guy
who nailed an awesome solo?

You're gonna burn down the school
and kill everyone.

Fire can't go through doors, stupid.
It's not a ghost.

This is a bit of a long shot, but I don't
suppose any of you paid my rent?

Thank you, everyone,
for joining in my celebration.

As many of you know,
I ate my twin sister in utero.

So on my birthday,
I try to remember I'm a winner.

This one's for you, Connie.

And a one, a two,
a Chang, Chang, Chang, four.

- We're all gonna die.
- We have to get out.


- It's a miracle.
- Let's go. Let's go.

- Yes!
- Let's get out of here.

- No, Troy, you didn't.
- There's no time. We gotta go.

Six guards, two on scooters.

Chang started his solo. Nine minutes
to get to the records room.

- We'll need a distraction.
- You heard the lady. Take your tops off.

I might have something.

I've been renting the school out
for raves on the weekend.

They call it Academania. It's mostly
hard house, some dubstep, but totally...

Perfect. Troy and Abed,
you make a run for it.

Dean, I think it's time to party.

- Hey!
- What the freak?

What's going on?

- No! No! No!
- You weigh nothing!

I can't see them.
There's too many of them.

- Which wire do I cut?
- There's only one.

God, I hope I'm right.

Study group.

You did it. So we're done, right?

We're done? Done, done, done?

Not done.
You've foiled me for the last time.

So it ends as it began.

It didn't begin this way.

- What the hell's going on in here?
- Hey, fellas.

I just caught the Greendale Seven
trying to burn down the school.

I'm a hero. How about that cake?

He's lying. He kidnapped the dean.

We gathered that much. Found
these two slap-fighting in the hallway.

- You stole my life!
- It is hard out there for a fake Moby!

Carl, Richie, let me ex-Chang.

I'm not getting paid, am I?


So a madman
in a Napoleon costume...

...ran the school into the ground
and almost blew it up?

Yeah. And on our watch.

- What happened to us?
- Well, I have a drinking problem.

We're gonna get fired.

Only a matter of time until everyone
finds out what happened here.

Nobody can sit
on something this big.

I'll sit on it.

When I became dean,
I made a pledge... swallow this school's failures
and spit out degrees...

...because that's what deans do.

You'd do that for us?

No. I'd do it for Greendale.

It's great to have you back, Craig.

It's almost as if
you were never unknowingly gone.

Yard-margs at Skeeper's.

Perfect. I left my credit card there.
Thanks, Craig.

You guys saved me.

I don't know
how I will ever repay you.

You already have.

Troy, you don't have to do this.

The a.c. school
has no claim on your soul.

No, but I do.
A man's only as good as his word...

...or his nod through a camera
to a guy with a button.

It's time. Say your goodbyes.

Shirley, never change.

Or do, if you want, I'm not your boss.

Oh, honey.

Never wear a rubber.

Never listen to Pierce.

When you finally finish
that jigsaw puzzle...

...will you tell me what kind of boat
is at the end of that dock?

This is a lock of my hair.


All right, let's go.

Abed? What did he say to you?

He said, "I know you hate
when people do this in movies."

Sorry I got emotional.

Troy Barnes.

Welcome home.

I'm really digging this hard house.

It's quite a groove.
This is my school.

It's called Greendale
and I'm the dean of the entire school.

I mean, I wasn't for a while,
but it's a long story.

You guys, everybody, you should
come by during the day sometime.

It's totally different.

Really, stop by.
It'll blow your minds.

You can meet my best friend,

Sure, I'll take a back rub.
Who's asking?