Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 5 - Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps - full transcript

During her pre-Halloween party, Britta gets everyone to tell a spooky story so that she can find out which member of the study group scored out as a psychopath on their psychology profiles.

Remember, you guys
can have a dip too!

And don't be afraid
to play with the...

Ruuubber spiiider!

I'll ask again...

Are you sure
I can't bring anything?

I don't understand.

We're having a party,

before we're going
to the real party?

Sometimes, I think
you young people

are just making this crap up.

It's a pre-party!

It's informal, intimate,

and just for us.

And I told you guys
you didn't have to dress up.

Oh, we were wearing this
when you called.

Yeah, when we dress up,
you'll know it.

There's nothing in your
playlist but spooky party,

the Beetlejuice soundtrack,
and NPR podcasts.

Ooh! We could listen
to one of those!

I have Michele Norris

interviewing Errol Morris.

Don't worry, they address it.

Okay, let's make this quick.

I got three more polite
appearances to make tonight.

What? I'm one of the
Fast and Furious guys.

Which one?

Oh, I don't know.
I don't watch that shallow crap.

I just pick
a costume girls will like.

Jeff, can I have
a quick conversation with you?

but I support the dream.

Remember last week,
when I made you guys fill out

those anonymous personality
tests for my psych class?

Listen, if you dropped them
in another puddle--

No, I processed the results,
as per my assignment.

And, Jeff,
one of our friends is...

Deeply disturbed.

Trick or Dean!

Don't forget to come by our
Halloween scare-tacular dance,

starting in
the cafeteria at 9:30.

Also, I had the lights
rigged to flicker

because it's Halloween!

So the lights will work
on November 1st?

All Saint's day...


I'm sorry, you were
about to get ridiculous?


One of the tests came back

with 70 out of 75 red flags

for an extreme
personality disorder.

Extreme, Jeff!

Like a dorito?

A sociopathic dorito.

A cool ranch lunatic.

Only instead of Zest, Jeff,

one member
of our study group has...

Homicidal tendencies.

I think one member
of our study group

is an overzealous psych major.

You probably just Britta'd
the test results somehow.

No. I double-checked them.


Are people using my name

to mean "make a small mistake"?


♪ Give me some rope,
time in a tree ♪

♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said
we could be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ one by one they all
just fade away ♪

Let's make this party
fast and furious,

in that order.

Yeah, I want to go
to the dance.

I heard the Dean's got
free taco meat from the army.

We can go
to the dance in a bit.

But first, why don't
we tell some scaaary stories?


I'll start with a story
about a horrible fate

befalling innocent people,

and then I'm curious
to get individual reactions.

Once upon a time,

there was a couple
in a car in the woods

making out or something.

I think I heard something.

It's just the sound
of my heart, baby.


An escaped convict
from the asylum has escaped,

and he's mental
and he's on the loose and stuff.

Oh, my God.
That sounds dangerous.

Oh, I'm sure it's no biggie,

but I am a horny man.

I'm only half-present.

He was last seen in the woods
and has a thingy for a hand,

a hook thing
where his hand should be.

- You know what I mean.
- That sounds dangerous.

Fine, I'll get out and look.

But then I'm entitled to sex.

I'm getting stabbed
with his hook hand thing.

Oh, my God! No!

I was right!

And the woman
was screaming and screaming

and the man got killed.

- Abed?
- Yep?

How did that story
make you feel?

- Embarrassed.
- That's an odd reaction.

Seems fair.

What embarrassed you about it?

I didn't care
about the characters.

Didn't care about them?

They were stupid.

They deliberately
put themselves in danger,

and, when they
were warned about it,

the guy got out of the car.

Do you believe
because he was stupid

he deserved to die?

What the hell
kind of party is this?

I suppose,
from a creative standpoint,

some characters deserve to die.

Ones that lack common sense
or even basic survival instinct.

Your story's not scary
because the characters

are making choices
the audience wouldn't make.

Plus, you need a smarter lead.
Here, like this.

It's a dark, cold night
in the woods.

We establish
a traditional log cabin,

then cut to--

Here we are, a log cabin
I rented so we could be

intimate in safety,
because it's not the 50s,

so we don't have to park a car
and neck at inspiration point.

That makes sense.

I'm turned on
by how logical you are.

I'm comforted by your
shiny hair and facial symmetry.

Well, I just brushed my teeth,

so this would be
the optimal time to kiss.

Enjoyable. Soft lips.

Just the right
level of moisture.

- Would you like to do it again?
- No.

We should listen
to the news on this radio.

I brought it
as a cautionary measure,

because this cabin
is within walking distance

of the local insane asylum.

Oh, is that why
you were able to rent it

- at such a reasonable rate?
- Yes.

I hope you're as fertile
as I am tonight.

- More.
- Ahh.


Why are you doing
the whole song?

They wouldn't turn
the radio on at the exact moment

of the most pertinent
news broadcast.

It's too coincidental.

But I'll jump forward in time.

What was that noise?

Based on the news report
we just heard,

but not just just heard,

I assume it's the deranged,
hook-handed killer, who escaped

when the asylum's antiquated
security system failed.

I guess they
shouldn't have cut corners,

although it is understandable,

given the recent
economic downturn.

Should we go check it out?

No. We should call 911

on my fully-charged cell phone,

lock the doors,
and then stand back to back

in the middle of the room
holding knives.

- I love you--
- Shh.


Did these people
ever die or what?

Eventually, once it had been...


Well, Britta...

It looks like you're
barking up the wrong tree.

You want to hear a scary story?

I've got a scary story.

Thank you for pulling me
from that carriage.

I don't know what could have
frightened my horses so.

Many vile creatures
make these woods their home.

Some even warn of...

I don't believe in monsters.

I believe every man
has good within.

I must retrieve my books
from the debris tomorrow.

I am a schoolteacher,

and many children rely
on me to educate them.

Be gone, innocent one!

What's wrong?

You may choose
not to believe in them,

but I am a monster.

And I must feed.

Do not judge me
for my weakness.

Stifle your slackened maw,

you drained
and tainted bitch dog.

I'm fine with this.



Teach me to read.



Sound it out.

Wo...Rd dog

hates... Cats.

"Oh reason not the need!

Our basest beggars are in the
poorest things superfluous."

Yes! Yes! Yes!

You should be proud of
how much I've changed you.

Thank you for helping me,

but I'm afraid some monsters

cannot change.


Resist your craving!

Just pick up a good book

and read!

Your porcelain neck,

in the light of the full moon,

too appetizing.


For you.

You see,
some monsters cannot change.

But others can.

What is this?

I'm a werewolf

that feeds on selfish vampires.

And she ripped into his torso,

like a gerbil shredding
a quaker oats box,

sending chunks of viscera

and an aerosol mist of blood
all over the skanky concubine.

Then, she flossed her teeth
with his tendons.

And, because he was a vampire,

he lived through all of it.

He had to watch
her swallow his last eyeball.

She kept it attached
to the optic nerve,

so he could see
down her throat,

to his own
partially digested flesh


See? There was a twist.

Wow, Annie.

I didn't know you were
such a fan of... Gore.

It's Halloween.

If you're gonna
tell a scary story,

- give it some texture.
- Wasn't that great.

Well, your texture was so

discompassionately macabre,

as if without the slightest
regard for human life.

That's enough.
Stop pinning ribbons to her.

Why does Annie get
to be good at everything?

You guys wanna hear
a real, legit scary story?


Is there anyone here?

I need help.

Oh, thank God.
An old doctor.

Me and my partner
are top gun fighter pilots,

the best of the best.

Pew pew pew.

Our F-15 went down
in the woods.

I thought I heard
something awesome out there.

Please, come in,

for first aids
and what have you.

Mmm, drinks from a stranger.

So medical.
Thank you.



What's going on?

This cabin is my lab,

where I do
weird experiments on people.



Forced to be together forever!

I sewed you together.

I totally sewed you together!


Now that we're sewn together,

do we have E.S.P.?

Yes! We're psychic now.

We can destroy him
with mind powers.


You tried to destroy us...

But you only made us...

More awesome!

No! I'm a j-jealous.

Now you are the subject.

What? What?
Tell me more.

We sewed your butt

to your chest! Ha!



Ha! You fools!

By sewing my butt to my chest,

you've given me boobs
I can touch all day.

With what?






Feet hands.

What did I do to deserve that?

Keep me out of
your stupid stories.

I didn't say it was you.

I said he was
a crazy, old, racist doctor.

Yeah, and I'm your
crazy, old, racist friend.

I was, anyway.
Now I'm not so sure.

It's just a story, Pierce.

Yeah? Well so is this.

Come back to bed, Magnum.

In a moment, girls.

I'm just enjoying an
expensive, post-coital Brandy.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Whats we gots heres?

This is a home invasion,
you jive mother.

Easy, easy, easy.

Nobody has to get hurt here.

Yeah, that's right, honky.

You take it real easy

and give us all your
expensive Brandy and hubcaps.

Okay, but...


Oh, man.



Oh, my God!

Okay, I'm ready
for my birthday spanking.

Which of you girls
knows how to count to 30?

What... in the hell...

Was that?

That wasn't even a ghost story.

It was like
an episode of some show

we're all too young
to have heard of.

Fine! Then I chopped up
both your bodies.

So that was us,
and you were Magnum?

Still am, Pakistan.
Wanna try me?

Guys, I think these stories
are starting to get personal.

And so needlessly violent.

What happened to the days
when ghost stories

were about good versus evil?

Once upon a time...

Aw, man.
My drugs are wearing off.

- Who's got more?
- Ha ha!

Here you go, baby.

All right, all right.

That is my kind of pot bong.

Yo, Jango, check it out.

Swarms of locusts

and tornadoes of frogs.

I don't care.
I lived in New York.

It's like New York out there.

We interrupt your death metal

to bring you some heavy news.

All the good christians
got raptured up to heaven,

so if you're hearing this,

the good news is you're
the coolest people in the world.


The bad news is
the world is over.

This is NPR.

Aw, man. End of days?

Could anything suck
harder than this?


Devil here.

Just popping by with a little
damnation orientation.

Here's the sched.

At 10:00, you'll be buried
neck-deep in scorpions.

11:15, lava enemas,
followed by pilates.

- Oh. That's good.
- I like pilates.

Pilates is a demon
that eats your genitals.

But first,



For whom do ye cry out?

All the good people are gone!


Whoa! Look!

It's our friend we used
to pick on for being Christian.

Oh, she looks great.

A righteous wind blows!

Off to pilates!

Thank you
for saving us, Shirley.

I mean, your name's
not Shirley,

this is a story about strangers.

Anyhoo, can you take us
to heaven now, please?

Ooh, I cannot.

I just came to say good-bye
on my way to Abraham's bosom.


I forgive you.

Gay marriage!

And he chainsawed them to bits!

Then he put 'em back together.

And then he chainsawed
them again!


Where was Jeff in that story?

And why was my name Jango?

Shirley, that wasn't a horror story.

That was a sermon.

You ruined a Britta party.

That's like letting poop spoil.

No! Wait!


No one can leave
until we figure this out.

Figure what out?

Long story short,

those psych tests
I made you take came back.

Turns out one of you
is probably a homicidal maniac.

That's stupid.

I have a responsibility,

as a practitioner
of the mental arts,

to figure out
which one of you is sick,

and get you the treatment
you need.

You're a danger to yourself and
others in your current state.

We've known each other
for two years.

None of us are murderers.

No, but one of you
has the potential.

If we leave here now,
do you know what might happen?

what are you describing?


Who has those images
like that in their head?

Probably the same kind
of person that would make us

tell ghost stories in order
to secretly study our minds.

I'm just worried
that one of you--

One of us? You took
that test too, right?

What? What are you saying?

Oh, my God!

What if it is me?

Wait. This is crazy!

We're getting freaked out
because it's Halloween,

we just need to settle down.

I'll kill you!

You don't want
to be barium sulfated!

- Whoa!
- Stay back, psychos!

Or I'll slit your throats
and bathe in your blood.

What has happened to all of you?

You heard all the stories.

Anyone here could be

Thinking that is what's psycho.

Here, I have a story
that I think might help.

- Whee!
- Cheers.

Whoa, whoa. Wait!

Before you do anything,

tell us why you kill people.


I kill because I'm afraid.

Somebody, please, give me a hug.


Get in here.

Love hugs. Love hugs.

Let it out.
It's okay?

You're welcome.

That was the gayest crap

I've ever heard in my life.

Yeah, Jeff.
What the hell?

Why are you always
so determined to have us relax

and put down our weapons?

Maybe he's a remorseless
madman with no empathy,

who eludes detection
by manipulating others.

Yeah, Jeff.

Maybe we should go through
your test answers one by one.

It doesn't matter.
I filled mine out randomly.

- Oh, come on.
- What?

You idiot!

That was probably the test that
returned the psychotic result!

Hmm. Maybe.

Well, what kind of sociopath
doesn't offer that information,

like, an hour ago?

No, no.
I'm no sociopath.

I always know
what I'm doing is wrong.

I'm just a guy that doesn't
like taking tests, doing work,

or getting yelled at.

So if you think about it,

that makes me
the sanest person here.


Is this your test or what?

How should I know?
It's just a bunch of bubbles.


Give me those.

Why are the scores
on the bottoms of the sheets?

They should--

Britta, look at the arrow.

You ran these through
the machine upside-down.

She Britta'd it.

I'll run them through again.

And you guys
are gonna stop using my name

to mean "making a tiny
and understandable mistake."

So we're all insane.

Well, except for this person.

Is that one mine?

We should probably
figure it out, right?

If one of us
isn't crazy, it's only fair

that the rest of us
know who they are.

Or we could hold on
to the comforting notion

t-that any one of us
m-might be sane.

Yeah. Okay.

We learned
an important lesson tonight.

We should never make the Britta

of Britta-ing
each other's feelings.

You're using it wrong.

You Britta'd "Britta'd."

- Yeah, way to pull an Abed.
- I don't get it.

Shirley, don't Pierce.

I don't get it.

Do not get it.

Guys, it's been three days!

When are you gonna let me go?

At least say something!



Should we let him go?

Hmm...Let me think.

More Brandy?

Don't mind if I do.

Mmm...That's terrible.

Should we get back
in our F-15 that we repaired

with our mind power?

I was thinking the same thing!

I know!

Double jinx!

Triple jinx!

♪ Troy and Abed sewn together ♪