Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 4 - Remedial Chaos Theory - full transcript

At Abed and Troy's housewarming party, Jeff decides to let the decision on who gets the pizza rest on the roll of the dice, leaving Abed to contemplate six alternate realities.

Didn't they say 304?

No, 303.
I wrote it twice.

♪ Troy
and Abed's new apartment! ♪

Hiiii!

- Come on in.
- Come on.

Wow.

What a great place.

You guys--you guys
look so fancy.

Thanks. We read a book on how
to be the perfect party hosts.

Rule number one--
dress to impress.

Rule number two--



avoid touchy topics
like the negro problem.

- The book was written
in the '40s. - Yeah.

Oh, good, you guys
are finally here.

Finally?

Shirley showed up
at 3:00.

Time flies when I'm baking.

No, it doesn't.

Oh, the door downstairs
was propped open with this.

This is really unsafe.

Anyone could have just
wandered into your building.

Like one of our guests?

- I'll be right back.
- Thank you, Troy.

Let me give you ladies
the grand tour.

Bathroom, kitchen, who cares,
and this is my scale model



of the rolling Boulder scene
from raiders...

With actual rolling Boulder.

Ooh.

Adiós, Sapito.

Ahh.

Pretty cool, huh?

Super cool.
And sexy.

Super sexy cool.

Overselling it.

I made pizza.

But we ordered real pizza.

Well, there's nothing
more real than homemade.

You didn't have
some of the ingredients,

so I used ketchup
and cream cheese.

We ordered real pizza.

Okay.
Hey, got you that.

Bienvenido de la Casa
Chez Trobed.

Very nice.

Oh, look, Indiana Jones

and the apartment
of perpetual virginity.

Chop busted, fellow adult,
chop busted.

It's nice. Not mansion-nice,
but it's nice.

Didn't you used to live
in a mansion with me?

Yeah, but this is more
my speed and century.

Doesn't bother me.
I've hardly missed you at all

since I had you removed
from my portraits.

Jeff!

Check it out.
Serbian rum.

So strong it is banned there.

Banned in Serbia, Jeff.

Let that concept sink in.

Yeah, well, you enjoy.
I have to leave early.

- Oh?
- Yeah, sorry.

I've got an invite to
the opening of a new club.

Look at this place. It's like
it was designed for me.

It was. I made that in
Photoshop and mailed it to you

a month ago so that you'd keep
tonight open on your calendar.

There's no such thing as

single malt platinum
boobs and billiards club?

I guess I never
said it out loud.

Tonight we offer something far
more than boobs and billiards.

- What?
- One word, two syllables.

- Don't say charades.
- Yahtzee!

Is charades off the table?

Come on.
And...

Okay.

Now...
"How to play Yahtzee."

Is there nothing from our youth

that these companies won't
repackage for a buck?

Call it Yahtzee all you want.

Everybody knows
it's Puerto Rican chess.

Annie, it's just the pizza.

We can't buzz him up.
Someone has to go down.

Okay.

Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.

Just so you know, Jeff,
you are now creating

six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

Two. One, two-- Annie.

Okay, fine.
I guess I'm going down.

All this talk of going down...

Did you guys know I had sex

with Eartha Kitt
in an airplane bathroom?

We're about to eat.

It's not namedropping
if it comes up organically.

I'm gonna check in on my pies.

- ♪ Roxa-- ♪
- No.

Bathroom?

Over here.

Uh, guys?

What does a pregnancy test
look like?

Like a thin piece of plastic
with a thing on the end of it.

Okay, so this is
definitely a gun.

Whoa!
Yeah, put that away.

Oh, my-- Why does
Annie have a gun?

That's not a gun,
that's a girl's peashooter.

Here, Troy.

Happy housewarming.

Jeff, what are
we gonna do about this?

I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!

What's so funny?

I don't know, people
hitting their heads.

Don't fight over them.

Well, y-you can fight
a little.

Smells weird.

I beg your pardon?

Smells weird.
What did you do?

Abed, you don't ask someone
a question like that.

It's not dignified.

Pizza!

♪ Pizza, pizza, go in tummy ♪

♪ me so hung-ee
me so hung-ee ♪

That pizza guy
was super creepy.

So you're saying
he was a pizza guy?

I wonder what happened
in those other timelines.

Abed, there are
no other timelines.

Okay.

Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.

Just so you know, Jeff,
you are now creating

six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

Four. One, two,
three, four-- Shirley.

Okay, just don't
let my pies burn.

Remember, no one eats
those pies.

Come on, let's just
talk to her.

We tried that, Annie,
but she ignored us.

The woman has a baking problem.

Now, I-I don't like
being the bad guy

anymore than anybody else--

- ♪ Roxa-- ♪
- No.

Bathroom?

Yeah, over here.

We have a pact.
We do not enable her baking.

It's gonna be better
for her in the long run.

Heh, you know who got it
in the long run.

Eartha Kitt, when I nailed her
in the airplane bathroom.

Ew, Pierce.

What? Came up organically.

Here, Troy.
Happy housewarming.

Oh, cool.

Thanks, Pierce.

What is it?

What? It's a traditional
Norwegian troll.

When Troy and I were
living together,

I had it on display
in the hall.

You know, outside his bedroom.

He seemed very taken with it.

It used to watch me sleep!

Pierce, shame on you.

Jeff, what are you
gonna do about this?

I'm gonna get a drink.

Ow!

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

Barely felt it.

I'm gonna look at it
in the bathroom.

It's not dignified.

Pizza!

♪ Pizza, pizza in my tummy ♪

♪ me so hung-ee
me so hung-ee ♪

Did someone remember
to take out my pies?

Seriously?

Oh!

Oh! Oh, no.

Seriously?

Shirley, it doesn't matter.

We weren't gonna eat them.

You're not allowed to have
"baking things" as an identity.

Excuse me for being
the only married woman

in a group full of horny toads
who sit around all night

just making googly eyes
at each other.

Googly eyes?

Shirley, it's okay.

Nobody makes googly eyes
at me either. We're the same.

♪ Roxanne ♪

Adiós, Sapito.

I don't know why
she's so upset.

Her pies probably didn't burn
in the other timelines.

Abed, Shirley just had
a nervous breakdown.

- More like a nervous--
- Bakedown! I know!

I didn't say it on purpose.

And Abed, there are
no other timelines.

Okay.

Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.

Just so you know, Jeff,
you are now creating

- six different timelines.
- Of course I am, Abed.

Three. One, two,
three-- Pierce.

Crap.

Speaking of crap, I was taking
one in an airplane bathroom

when Eartha Kitt
decided to bang me.

What? It's where my mind went.

Your mind went years ago.

Ugh.

I'm gonna check on my pies.

- ♪ Roxa-- ♪
- No.

Bathroom?

Yeah, over here.

I love your place, Troy.

You're all... grown up now.

I can't believe those are real
mahogany bunk beds in there.

I bet that cost you
a few allowances.

Okay.

Aww! Troy.

Now we done it.

Britta's in the bath--

Adiós, Sapito.

- Who is it?
- Troy.

Um, I'm washing my hands.

Good, then I can come in.

Oh, hi!

Um, I was smoking a cigarette.

I know what you were doing.
I'm 21 years old.

I'm a man.

I know that.

We all know that.

Then why is Jeff
always picking on me?

You seem to be a little hard
on Troy lately.

I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I barely felt it.

Well, let me look at it
in the bathroom.

Britta's in the bathroom.

Oh, um...

Oh, no, what happened?

Minor head wound.
If there's an abrasion,

we'll clean it with iodine
and apply ice.

You make a good nurse.

Thanks.

Dr. Shirley says mini
pies are the best medicine.

Then I'd like
to see her degree.

He's butting antlers with you
because you're a threat now.

You've got your own place,
you've got a future,

you've got a... bowl full
of olives next to the toilet.

It's a fancy party, Britta.

You know what Jeff has
in his bathroom?

Neither do I.

He keeps his toiletries
in a safe under the sink.

His whole personality is based
around guarding himself.

You don't have to be like that
to be a man.

You're really cool, Britta.

Man, pizza guys are getting
worse and worse-looking.

Guess all the good ones
went into porn.

- Ceiling fan.
- I miss all the fun.

I wonder what happened
in all those other timelines.

Who cares?

Okay.

Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.

Just so you know, Jeff,
you are now creating

six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

Six. One, two, three,
four, five, six-- Britta.

- Great.
- Great.

You know what's great?
Air travel.

I've flown a lot, a lot
of airplane stories.

I once had sex
with Eartha Kitt--

Okay, I'm gonna check
on my pies.

You guys are my best--

I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Barely felt it.

Let me look at it
in the bathroom.

Do I need to refill
the toilet olives?

- We're good. I checked.
- You're the best.

Want to stay up all night
talking in our bunk beds?

Duh-doy.

Here, Troy.
Happy housewarming.

Oh, cool.
Thanks, Pierce.

You make a good nurse, Annie.

Thank you.

I actually had to apply
a tourniquet the other day.

A guy got stabbed
outside my building--

What? Annie, you've got to get
the hell out of that apartment.

You don't have to treat me
like a kid anymore, remember?

Yeah, but adults
still need to be protected.

I-I can't help but
worry about you, Annie.

You're important to me.

Feel the terror!
Stop the tantrum!

Feel the terror
of the Norwegian troll!

What's going on in here?

Pierce is terrorizing Troy
because he's jealous

we moved in together.

You're the one who's jealous.

Why would I be jealous?

Because you're lonely
and crazy.

Hey, guys, this is Toby,
our pizza delivery guy.

And I know this
is gonna sound nuts,

but we're in love
and we're getting married.

I wonder what happened
in all those other timelines.

Wait, there are
other timelines?

Okay.

Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.

Just you know, Jeff,
you are now creating

six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

One. Troy.

Damn it.

I'm gonna go as fast as I can
so I don't miss anything.

Adiós, Sapito.

You know who I used
to call miss anything?

Eartha Kitt.

What? He totally set me up.

I'm gonna check in on my pies.

- ♪ Roxa-- ♪
- No.

- Bathroom?
- Yeah, over here.

Jeff, tell us
about your father.

I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Barely felt it.

Well, let me look at it
in the bathroom.

What the hell?

No!

Call 911!

Abed, help me
stop the bleeding!

I'm dying!

- Pierce.
- I am dying.

♪ You don't have to
put on the red light ♪

Water. Water! Water!

Breathe, breathe.

♪ Put on the red light ♪

♪ put on the red light ♪

You.

♪ Put on the red light ♪

Nooooooo!

Okay.

Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.

Just so you know, Jeff
you are now creating

six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

Five. One, two, three,
four, five-- Abed.

I'm on it.

You know who else was on it?

And do you know what "it" is?

Everybody give me money.

Wow, that ascot really
softens your personality.

Thanks.

I banged Eartha Kitt.

- ♪ Roxa-- ♪
- No.

Bathroom?

Down the hall.

I'm getting a drink.
Ow!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Barely felt it.

Well, let me look at it
in the bathroom.

Britta's in the bathroom.

Oh, no, what happened?

Minor head wound.

Oh, my God.
What smells amazing?

Oh! Someone wants pie!

You make a good nurse.

Oh, my God. They taste
just like regular-size pies.

Oh, yay!

Happy housewarming.

Oh, cool.
Thanks, Pierce.

Hey, while we're alone,
I just wanted to say,

thanks for letting me
live with you.

Sometimes I feel
like making desserts

is the only thing I'm good
for in the group.

But now it's time for me
to try and make it on my own.

Just like you did.

I can't help but
worry about you, Annie.

Hey, I don't think
you should open this.

No, what-- what are you
talking about?

You're very important to me.

Crap. I was not supposed
to eat your stuff.

We all made an agreement.

Crap, I was not supposed
to say that out loud!

Crap, okay, cards on the table,
I'm really high right now.

- Seriously!
- Would you stop and give me--

No, I wanna give you
something else.

A waterpik!

A speedboat!
Two waterpiks.

I can't believe
I'm feeding my pies

to a drug addict!

Drug addict?
You're a pie pusher!

You push pies to get love.

Give it, Pierce!

It feels fun!

I'm sorry, I just...
had a weird déjà vu.

You're bad at gift-giving!

That thing you said
about worrying about me...

It's something
my dad always said.

I demand to be housewarmed!

Shouldn't have brought it up.

Just reminded me of my dad.
Anyway...

Stop. A little Make Out 101.

Less dad talk.

And, uh, you could ease up
on the bubblegum lip gloss.

No, I really--

No, you--!

Pizza time.

Give me this,
you godless hippie skank!

You're a sick, sad,
twisted old man.

And I hope you die alone.

I wonder what happened
in all those other timelines.

I gotta say, I hope
this is the real one,

because I just found
a nickel in the hallway.

Okay.

Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.

Just so you know, Jeff,
you are now creating

- six different timelines.
- Of course I am, Abed.

I don't think you should.

Chaos already dominates
enough of our lives.

The universe is an endless
raging sea of randomness.

Our job isn't to fight it,
but to weather it--together.

On the raft of life.

A raft held together by

those few rare, beautiful things
that we know to be predictable.

Ropes?

Vines. Vines?

Let him finish!

Us.

It won't matter
what happens to us

as long as we stay
honest and accepting

of each ether's
flaws and virtues.

Annie will always be driven.
Shirley will always be giving.

Pierce will never apologize.

Britta's sort of a wild card
from my perspective.

And Jeff will forever remain
a conniving son-of-a-bitch.

Abed!

There are six sides to
this die and seven of us.

He devised a system by which
he never has to get the pizza.

Jeff!

- Really? Dang, man.
- You crafty jackrabbit.

- Asshole.
- Pretty low, dude.

It's called friendship,
look it up. Encarta it.

I think we just found
our pizza-getter.

Yes, we did!

Oh, like it matters who goes.

Ow!

What's so funny?

Karma.

That guy sucks harder

than the toilet
in an airplane bathroom.

Airplane bathroom...

Oh, my pies!

♪ Roxanne ♪

Oh!

♪ you don't have
to put on the red light ♪

Ooh!

♪ those days are over ♪

♪ you don't have to
sell your body to the night ♪

Sing, Britta!

I really love your place.

You should move here.

♪ walk the streets for money ♪

♪ you don't care
if it's wrong... ♪

♪ or if it is right ♪

♪ Roxanne ♪

♪ you don't have
to put on the red light ♪

You guys see what happens
when I leave you alone, huh?

♪ You don't have
to put on the red light ♪

♪ put on the red light ♪

♪ put on the red light ♪

Go, Abed!

♪ put on the red light ♪

♪ put on the red light ♪

To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce.

Shirley, don't you think
you've had enough?

Of you.

Guys, I've been thinking about
that night over and over.

One thing has become clear.

This is the darkest,
most terrible timeline.

Enough with
the timeline crap, Abed!

Pierce got shot
in the leg and died!

Shirley's a drunk.

Annie's locked in a mental ward

because her guilt
drove her insane.

Jeff lost an arm in the fire.

Troy lost his larynx because,
for some dumb reason,

he tried to destroy a flaming
troll doll by eating it.

Clearly you don't understand

anything about
defeating trolls.

Life has gone to hell, Abed.

This is real!

Look at us.
Look at me!

Britta, you put one wash-away
blue streak in your hair.

And I lost an arm.

Exactly.
Life got dark.

And all because
Jeff rolled a one.

Oh, I love how this is
my fault somehow.

It's mine.

I've run over that night
over and over in my head,

and I keep coming back
to one thought.

I should've caught the die
and not let you roll it.

I failed to do that
and we all suffered for it.

But I'm gonna
make it up to you.

What is this?

Of all the timelines,
this is clearly the darkest,

which is why I propose
we commit to being evil.

I made us all black goatees
out of felt.

I suggest you put them on until
you're able to grow your own.

From now on, I am evil Abed.

We're the evil study group,
and we have but one evil goal.

Return somehow
to the prime timeline,

the one that I stopped you
from rolling that die,

then we destroy
the good versions of ourselves,

and reclaim our proper lives.

- Evil Abed.
- Mm-hm?

As evil Jeff, am I allowed
to pull fewer punches with you?

- Certainly.
- I hate you!

Shut up
with your Sci-Fi crap!

I lost my damn arm,

and you're making fake beards!

Goatees.

♪ evil Troy
and evil Abed ♪

What's wrong?

I don't know.

I guess nothing.