Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 6 - Advanced Gay - full transcript

Damn it!

Put the teethy wrench
on the square thing and jiggle it left.

Thanks... By the way,
that square thing is a Hampton bolt

what you described
is a manacheck maneuver.

I'm just here for the tater tots.

I know you think you made your mind up
about plumbing and I respect that.

But come to the third floor men's room
tomorrow any time after 3:00.

Unclog one toilet with me
and tell me you don't feel something.

I'll never bring it up again.

All right...
One toilet.

If it will get you off my back.



Abed, look.

Cool, Stonehenge.

Excuse me, are you Pierce Hawthorne
of Hawthorne Wipes?

At your cervix.

Sorry, I thought you were a lady.

You can use
that cervix line if you want.

I told you it was him.
Would you mind signing this?

He's a big fan.

I got a pocket full of Hawthornes

Pock-pocket full of Hawthornes

Okay, Randall, power down.

- What was that about?
- Fans of the product, I suppose.

In the wipes business,
we call them towel-heads.

I'm impressed
you got through a whole conversation



with two gay men without doing this.

Wait...
Those guys were...

I assumed
they were just brothers or wealthy.

- Whydid they want your autograph?
- This might be why.

It's Friday night

I'm putting on my highest heels

My shortest skirt

My best device
for concealing my penis

And I got everything I need

I got my body, got my lips

Got a pocket full of Hawthornes

P-p-p-pocket full of Hawthornes

My god, Pierce,

your moist towelettes are a gay icon.

What do Hawthorne Wipes
have to do with the choice to be gay?

According to Wikipedia...

Oh, my...
Even Bruce Vilanch?

Especially him.

That is copyright infringement
and defamation.

I'm going to sue
the pants off that lady.

- I don't think that's a lady.
- And why do you want his pants off?

I wanted his pants off
when he was a lady.

- So you were attracted to him?
- The only thing I'm attracted to

is taking him to court
and eating his ass alive.

That's not what I meant.
Stop putting gay things in my mouth.

- Feygnasse Team -

.:: La Fabrique::.

3x06: Advanced Gay

I hope Pierce doesn't really sue
that lady-man singer.

His life must be hard enough having
to sew pouches in all his miniskirts.

Yes, I'm always nice to the gays.
They may live in defiance of God,

but I'd die
before I let a woman touch my hair.

What's going on with you bitches?

Bitches is gay talk for friends.

Did you sue Urbana Champaign
for his t-shirt?

Not at all, I bought this.
I'm a fan.

Also, I'm a gay rights advocate.

I can explain.

Pierce's positrons have been negatized,
creating anti-Pierce.

Happens in Inspector Spacetime.

Yeah, but anti-Inspector
had a funny mustache

and was kinda rapey.

I don't think
his positrons have been negatized.

Exactly what Reggie said.

No, I thought about it,
and I decided a man

should not be judged by what he does
with a fellow man's butt.

- Here's the kick.
- Plus since that song came out,

Hawthorne Wipes sales went up 7%.

- And it's good.
- Yep, even had my own people

mock up a design
for a new product line.

Hawthorne Pride Wipes.

They may cost more,
but they're gayer.

And I'm gonna launch these little babies
at a big party here at Greendale.

Here's a flyer.

"Greendale's first annual...
Gay bash."

Pierce, congratulations on meeting

the minimum requirements
for open-mindedness.

I'm really proud of you.
You're growing as a person.

Good grief, he's not supporting gays.
They're supporting him.

If Mexicans were buying his wipes,
he would have ridden in on a donkey.

People earning respect
with money is the American way, Jeff.

Not that my father would have agreed.

It took a federal injunction to get him
to sell these things to the Italians.

I see what's going on!

In my psych class, I'm learning about
this thing called the edible complex.

All men have to kill their fathers so
they can do something to their mothers.

I haven't finished the chapter.

What's that complex called
where you're wrong about everything?

Huh, sarcasm from the man
with the mother of all daddy issues.

Double diagnosis.

Save some
for all those poor real doctors.

What type of cookies
do you want at the party?

We have peanut butter
or chocolate chip.

Rainbow, bitches.

We can have peanut butter
or chocolate chip.

- Well?
- It's pretty great!

Tight seal, good flow.

Kid's pretty handy.

You get the hell out of here!

Go on!

- Who was that?
- You listen to me.

What you have is a gift.

And some people are going to try
to take advantage of that gift.

- Promise me you'll use it for good.
- All right, I promise.

Good.

Now, come with me to the second floor.
Somebody pooped in the sink.

We actually have a lot in common.

We hate lesbians,
we hate baggy pants,

and I can't believe
you guys are all Bears fans.

- Super fans.
- Randall!

Somebody take a picture.
Come on...

Now let's take a silly one.

Piercinald Anastasia Hawthorne!

Father.

We need to talk, boy.

Gentlemen.

You are here tonight
because you have been selected

as potential candidates
for the Greendale

Air Conditioning Repair School.

But why kidnap you?

Why put a sack over your head

and drag you here
in the middle of the night?

Why is there an astronaut
in the corner making paninis?

Simple, we don't want you
to tell anyone about this.

And if you do, we don't
want them believing you.

Isn't that right, black Hitler?

Your initiation...

begins...

now, gentlemen.

Hey, guys, I'm looking for Troy.

He texted me. He said he's fine,
but he couldn't say where he is.

Do you think he's been kidnapped?
Usually it's one of the parents,

and it almost always ends
in murder-suicide.

- Why are you smiling?
- I'm smiling?

Well if you see him,
tell him Jerry's looking for him.

Jeff, what are you going
to wear to Pierce's gay party?

- Nothing.
- They'll love that.

I mean I'm not going.

It's dumb, I can't believe
you are supporting it.

Everybody, this is my father,

Cornelius Hawthorne.

I always assumed your father was dead.
Just mathematically.

Mom liked to pretend
that was the case.

These are your friends?

Minorities, Jewesses,

and the unseasonably tan?

That is inappropriate!

And maybe you'll give
that more weight since I'm "white".

You've got a wide brow.
What are you, Scandinavian?

Yeah, Swedish.

Swedish dogs.

Your blood is tainted by generations
of race mixing with Laplander.

You're basically Finns!

My goodness,
he's like the Abed of racism.

Since no one's willing to ask,
what's going on with your hair?

Ordinary toupee hair is harvested
from the heads of the godless oriental.

Solid ivory is the only way
to be assured of true follicular purity,

while still identifying myself
as a man of means.

I can excuse racism,
but I draw the line at animal cruelty.

- You can excuse racism?
- What brings you here?

I'm assuming
it's not for your son's party.

Unless "segregationist mummy"
is a gay fetish I'm unaware of.

Actually,
after discussing with my father,

the party's off,

and we're canceling Pride Wipes.

Stand up straight, Piercinald,
when talking to the lower classes.

If you'll excuse me, I need to go find
a half-decent ivory buffer

in this two-horse town.

The party's canceled?

I bought a cone bra.

Piercinald, please tell me you did not
cancel your party 'cause of your father.

It's a business decision, Jeff.

I took a look at the numbers,

had someone explain them to me,
and this is the way we're going.

I thought this idea was dumb?

That's before
it was being oppressed by a...

- A father?
- A homophobe!

This isn't about fathers.

This is about a long-suffering community
with a constitutional right

to wipe whoever
and whatever they want.

If you like gay people so much,
why don't you marry them?!

This is so edible.

Britta, you are gonna
make a terrible therapist.

If you need to talk to someone,
I don't recommend you.

Is that how your dad
talked to your mom?

- No, to your mom.
- How does that make you feel?

Shut up.

Jeffrey!

I was so sad when Pierce said
he was canceling the party.

I was so happy when you said
that it was on.

He's real busy with his dad,
but I knew how much it meant to him.

I throw a pretty gay party.

Yeah, it's great.
If you're into that kind of thing.

Time to mingle.

What the hell is this?

The gay bash,
courtesy of Hawthorne Wipes.

- I cancelled this!
- And I uncancelled it.

My dad will disown me!

Then you'll be free of him forever.

You'll never have to cower
at his voice.

Or shudder when you see an elephant.

You're welcome, I just did
what you never had the guts to do.

Britta was right.

It's because
you've got problems with your own.

After "Britta was right",
everything you said sounded like a horn.

Then have your big gay party.

I'm out of here.

Just have one drink,
you'll want to see the guest of honor.

Pull the cord, fellas.

Well, maybe just one drink.

Done.

Mr. Barnes...

Walk with me.

Air conditioning repair is
an elite worldwide family

dating back
to the very beginnings of civilizations.

Our predecessors were slaves.

Fanning the pharaohs
with palm fronds.

Over time, we became expert
at making our superiors comfortable.

Our business.

And along the way,

we learned
to make ourselves comfortable.

No more palm fronds, Troy.

Now we are the pharaohs.

Breath print approved.

Feel that?

- Actually, I don't feel...
- Precisely.

- The expression "room temperature"?
- Of course.

This is the room!

This is the room temperature room.

I can't tell
where the air ends and my skin begins.

- It's incredible.
- That's what we do.

Incredible, invisible,
inbelievable things.

We're an unseen, unknown, unvincible
fraternity of craftsmen.

Graduates of this school
are guaranteed lucrative employment

for their entire lives.

And I'm inviting you

to join us.

- Will there always be paninis?
- There is one catch, Troy.

Once you're in...

you're in.

Air conditioning repair
will be your life.

A life of secrets you'll be unable
to share with outsiders.

You will be
an air conditioning repairman.

And nothing else.

Until the day you die.

I don't expect you
to make a decision now.

Take 24 hours.

Breath print approved.

Cool.

I can't feel my pants.

Go Pierce, go Pierce,
it's your birthday!

Congratulations, you got Pierce
to symbolically kill his father

by dancing to club music.

You of all people should be happy.

He's becoming a more tolerant person,
and it doesn't concern his father.

Look at me now, dad!

Look at me now, dad!

- Where you been?
- I can't say.

Are you Superman?

- Would you tell me?
- I'd tell everyone.

Why he cared who knew?

This is the hottest party
we've ever had.

It's pretty dope.

It's dangerously hot.

Our air conditioning system
wasn't built for this gay a party.

I'll take a look.

- Tron?
- What's tron?

Man this party's a real sausage fest.

I knew it!

- Knew what?
- Don't play dumb with me.

What did they promise you?
You can have all that as a plumber too.*

Without the pretense.

Why do you hate them?

They're elitist.

They pump themselves up
to make everybody think they're special.

Because the truth is they're not!

I have a gift.

I'm special.
I'm not a loser like you.

I'll eat spaceman paninis
with black Hitler,

and there's nothing
you can do about it!

You really seem
to be enjoying yourself.

I've gotta say, I don't know
why the word gay means dumb.

These guys are all right in my book.

Pierce Hawthorne,
get your fine gay-lovin' ass up here

and say something to your fans,
come on!

If I tell you,
will you promise to keep the secret?

Secret handshake.

Secret.

I said I can't talk to you
but I can talk to myself.

Can you pretend to be me?

I like football, but also I don't.

Perfect, I can't choose between
air conditioning and plumbing.

I know, it's so hard, right?

Let's ask Abed.
Now you be me.

- What should I do, Abed?
- I don't know.

But Harrison Ford might know.
"Don't get cocky kid..."

It's not working.
Tell me what to do.

I don't see the dilemma.
They seem more or less identical.

They're not.
They couldn't be more or less identical.

Well, what do you feel like doing?

Honestly,
I feel like watching TV with you.

I have to choose, and if I choose wrong
it could screw up my whole life.

If you have to make a decision,
choose whatever makes you the happiest.

They're the same thing.

- I think I know what I need to do.
- "Don't get cocky, kid."

All right, bitches!

I just want to say...

This whole thing...

was a huge mistake.

Hawthorne Wipes

is officialy severing its ties
to the gay community.

Effective immediately, it will return
to being a straights-only product.

Fake heart attack.

I taught him everything.

How long you guys been on the force?

What was that?

- That was...
- My boy.

Standing up
for good old Hawthorne values.

All due respect, Sir,
I have zero respect for you.

- Typical welsh nonsense.
- But father...

You really wanna be like this guy?
He's wearing elephant bones.

He will be what I tell him to be
because I am his father!

Listen up, colonel crypt-keeper.

I could live a million years
and could spend every minute

doing important things.

But at the end,
I would have only lived half a life

if I had not raised a son.

This was a gift.
You squandered it.

And if you have so much hatred,
it's because you're tryin to fill a hole

where he was supposed to go.

And now it's too late.

Now you're just stomping around
trying to prove you exist.

Well, mission accomplished.

But here's a question
I'd like to pass on to you

from every son
of every crap dad that ever lived.

So what?

I'm done with you.

He's done with you.

The world is done with you.

Come on in.

He's a Hawthorne,
this is what they do.

He's faking.

I just want to say...

The Canadian mallard
is the only water fowl

that bites his father's head off.

That is not true.

I don't know,
I looked it up on the Wackapeediah.

I just want to say, you know...

- Sorry for killing your dad.
- Don't blame yourself.

He bought a lot of his organs
from questionable sources.

- He wanted you to have this.
- No Pierce, you should take it.

I'd love it.

But his will clearly states

that whoever kills him
gets to keep it.

I guess I'm up.

I'll never forget what you said to me
on my first day of school.

Comb your hair, you idiot.
You look Greek.

Was that true?

But I do know that I was too scared
to stand up for myself.

I'm not scared of you anymore
because you're dead, and I'm not.

So, I win.

And you can suck it.

- He told his dead dad to suck it.
- So edible.

You're the worst.

Your 24 hours has expired.

I need an answer, Troy.

Ready to join the elite brotherhood
of guys who fix air conditioners?

Sorry, vice dean Laybourne,

but, I realize no one's better
than anyone else.

I mean, some people
are better at sports and...

And there are magicians, but...

I was put on this earth
to do something else.

So you're going to be what?

A plumber?

I'm not gonna be a plumber either.

Because they have to deal with poop.

My decision for now
is to watch TV with my friend.

You're making a huge mistake, son.

That may be, sir.
But at least it's my mistake.

It's still a mistake.

Is it?

It is.

Looks like there was a malfunction
in the cafeteria last night.

The Amana 5000
had a compound coil fracture.

But it was fixed.

Very funny.

Not even I can fix
a compound coil fracture overnight.

But he can.

- Constable Reggie.
- Inspector Spacetime.

This isn't over, Troy Barnes.

It's only just begun.

You know what, I was wrong.

- You'll make a very good therapist.
- And why is that?

You really nailed Pierce
in that whole oedipal thing.

The guy's got some
serious father issues.

Don't you think you may have had
some oedipal issues as well?

Not really.

You literally killed a father.

Not mine, dummy.

Winger.
You going home alone?

Gay.

That was close.

I thought those blorgons had us dead.

What on bitter earth
do they want from us, Inspector?

The question's not what they want
But when!

Inspector, look out, blogorns!

Eradicate!

Take that, blogorns.

How old are you?

The question isn't how old we are...

But when old we are.

In your face, blogorn.

Sup, girl?

How you livin?