Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 2 - Geography of Global Conflict - full transcript

As Chang settles into his new job as a campus security officer, Britta is overwhelmed with feelings of civil disobedience when a friend is taken hostage in a foreign country. Meanwhile, Annie enlists the study group to help her defeat her new "friend" Annie Kim in a Model United Nations competition, while Professor Cligoris struggles to maintain decorum.

By the end of WWII
President Roosevelt's body

had finally succumbed
to the polio that afflicted him

his entire life.

Which brings me
to the Yalta conference.

Who can tell me
three key points brought up there?

- The demilitarization of Germany...
- Sorry.

Annie Kim.

The demilitarization of Germany,

the establishment of Poland's borders
and the formation of the United Nations.

The results of Yalta would later set
the stage for the Cold War.

Oh, boy, spoiler alert.

Somebody just won a ride
in the wheelchair.

I'm proud of you
for deciding on a major.

I'd like thank the lord for you,
but you're dressing like a streetwalker.

Yep, I'm getting serious.

I got a backpack,
I got a new notebook.

I got one
of those see-through yellow pens

so I can do that thing
where you color in the words.

- Highlight?
- Probably the backpack.

- Free the Damascus three.
- Thanks.

I know this girl.

We used to protest together all the time
and now she's locked up in Syria.

- That's terrible.
- Yes, it's terrible.

She's imprisoned by an oppressive regime
halfway around the world and I'm, what?

In college?

Where are my values?

Man, she's got a Facebook group?

My first cop flashlight.

Can't wait to get some brains
on this bad boy.

Are you safe, ma'am? Everything okay?
Is this guy bothering you?

Who do you think you are?

- The badge says to serve and protect!
- No, it doesn't.

"How's my smile?"

What am I in charge of?

See this garbage can?

Students coming out of the library
bump into it.

You can serve and protect them
from a nasty boo-boo.

- What do I do if I see a crime?
- What a security guard does...

Call a cop.

- Where'd you even get these?
- Come on, let me keep them. Please?

I swear they're just for sex!

- Feygnasse Team -

.:: La Fabrique ::.

3x02: Geography of Global Conflict

And this ragtag group of cut-ups

is my study group.

Gang, this is Annie Kim
from my poli-sci class.

We just figured out
we had the same G.P.A. in high school.

Mine was higher
if you consider my school's ranking.

It sounds like
you had a lighter course load, so.

I was in a lot of clubs.
I founded 17 of them.

I was actually thinking about founding
a model U.N. here at Greendale.

Any interest?

I'll probably be busy,
and you probably need to study,

so see you in class.

Okay, goodbye.

How progressive of you
to have a multicultural evil twin.

An Asian Annie.

Obama's America.

Her name is Annie Kim,
and she's not evil.

- She's my friend.
- Didn't look like it.

You seemed competitive with her.

You be careful, Annie.
They are ruthless.



Not Asians.

I'm not competing with her.

I find her adorable.
She's like a younger me.

The younger you took so much Adderall

she tried to straighten the lines
on our football field during a game?

Be careful, Annie.

You don't want this girl
to suck you back to the dark side.

What're you trying to do here?
This is our Annie.

That little twerp
is a can of Annie lite.

She couldn't hold a candle to the thing
in any category of anything.

I wasn't fishing for that.

You're the best, kiddo.

You know what else was the best?
The rainforests.

Too bad the fascist oligarchies
are raping them to make hamburgers.

Look it up.

Someone woke up
on the regular side of the bed.

Britta's just having a rough time
'cause her friend's in prison.

I went to her Facebook page.

It says she was tear-gassed
and possibly beaten.

I haven't been tear-gassed
in so long.

You're on a new path now.

Goody, a new path.

Is it lined with credit cards
and flat screen TV's?

Does it go by an Ikea?

Maybe I don't want a new path!

Or any path.

Maybe my path is a war path

that leads to the terrordome,

Maybe I went too far.

Maybe I don't want to offend
my African-American friends,

but the larger point is,

maybe I'm not done
raging against the machine.

Raging against the what?
That sounds dangerous.

Don't worry.

She'll be bad at it.

Keep clear of the can.

Sir, step around the can.

Mind the can, student.

- You just got yourself a warning.
- I piss warnings, pig.

And that's how we do that.

I got my eye on you, Missy.

You okay, kiddo?

You know what's funny?
This is so silly.

Remember little Annie Kim
from poli-sci?

She just...
Took my model U.N. Idea and just...

She is quite the little go-getter.

Wait, what?
She stole your idea?

Sneak attack.
That's just like...

Not women, Asians.

The real important thing
is that there is a model U.N.

It doesn't really matter
who starts it.

It just means her name
goes on some charter

and she gets to put it on her resume.

And lead the Greendale team
to the national model U.N.,

and meet Kofi Annan,
Boutros Boutros Ghali, and Will.I.Am.

- Boutros Boutros Ghali?
- That's it.

I'm gonna find
this little brat's off-switch.

He's just being protective.
I'll stop him.

I am so excited that we finally have
a model U.N. here at Greendale.

I am really, really, really, really,
really, really into model U.N.s.

They used to call me model U.N. guy
back in college.

That's not...

Don't research that.

The important thing here
is that I am really...

Pardon me, professor Cligoris.

Either pronunciation is fine?
Are you here for the U.N.?

I'm here to tell you
that the entire idea

to have a model U.N.

was hers.


So you're Clark M. Eichelburger.

So I've had your photo
around my neck since I was in school.

I'm talking
about the Greendale model U.N.

My Annie
gave this other Annie the idea

and the diabolical little b...

usybody stabbed her in the back.

It's childish.

Honestly I'm just happy
there is a model U.N.

Is this true?

I recall other Annie
mentioned the concept,

but she didn't take the initiative
to find a faculty advisor.

I didn't know
we just have to call dibs.

I'm not calling dibs.

'Cause I'm not a petty competitive child
that steals ideas.

I just refuse
to acknowledge the authority

of your criminal model U.N.

So don't recognize it.
It still exists.

Then Annie just start
her own model U.N.

- Yeah, for grown-ups.
- I still don't recognize it.

It exists, baby!

I don't understand your relationship.
Is he your father or your lover?

Only one model U.N.
can officially represent this school,

let's take our foot off the crazy pedal
for just a moment here.

There's only one rational way
to settle this.

A head-to-head model U.N.

Battle Royale,

the rules to which

I would have
to spend the evening devising.

We'll have the competition
tomorrow in the cafeteria at 7:00 p.m.

May the most United Nations win.

- Fair enough.
- Totally fair.

I'll see you in the fair papers,
other Annie.

And you were asking
what our relationship is?

We're friends.

- Good friends.
- Grown-up friends.

So, the key to winning this thing is

- when in doubt, agree with Annie.
- That's sweet, Jeff.

But everyone should just have fun.
What's more fun than winning?

- I'm offended you would single me out.
- Did you read your country's packet?

Somalia has 1,900 miles of coastline,
a government that knows its place,

and all the guns and wives
you can afford to buy.

Why have I never heard
of this paradise?

I studied up on my country.

Is it okay if we do accents, sugar?

Troy, Georgia the country,
not the state.


Capital city Tbilisi,
and former member of the Soviet Union.

And we kindly request
y'all mind your Ps and Qs.

Welcome to the world's
first ever model U.N.- off.

You will each be scored
on your U.N.'s ability

to pass resolutions,

follow procedure,

and maintain order.

The end goal, of course,
total world peace.

Any questions?

Does two U.N.s mean
there are two earths?

Sure, two earths.

Parallel earths in different galaxies

or identical earths
in parallel dimensions?

- The latter one.
- What does that say about free will?

Let's begin.

Ready, set,


Crisis alert.

A civil war
has broken out in Ethiopia.

Rebel forces
have seized the grain supply,

creating a humanitarian disaster.

Okay, cool heads, everyone.

America proposes a U.N.
peacekeeping force of 10,000 troops.

- Uruguay agrees.
- China, too.

The country...

is much obliged.

Who can take refugees?

The great country of Somalia.

This gem, this Shangri-La

graciously invites
the Ethiopian refugees

to enjoy safe lodging

and cool ocean breezes
on its sand-swept beaches.

- We're rolling.
- Switzerland proposes a peace summit.

Good idea.

Maybe at the peace summit,
we can opening a portal to Earth II.

- Can we put a pin in that?
- Earth II is there, can't ignore it.

China has money.
Does anybody want some?

The United States proposes
using China's money

to fund agricultural programs
to support Ethiopia's sustainable farms.

Which should promote
economic development and security.

All in favor?

- It's unanimous.
- Good resolving, blue U.N.

- You really covered all the bases.
- We have a unanimous decision as well.

Then after one round, we are tied.

Looks like both U.N.s

are experts at fostering unity.

- Crap.
- Damn it.

Crisis alert. Russia.

This is what the U.N.
is doing to your freedom.

I'm your freedom.

And I'm in a cage.

With the world!

Because of them!

You're here.

What are you gonna do?
Lock me up?

- Gimme a reason.
- I'll give you a reason!

You're coming with me.

He's pulling me.

I'm being pulled in my cage
for no reason!

Is anybody, is the world seeing this?

Are we facebooking this?

Crisis alert!
A tsunami has hit Vietnam.

Crisis alert, famine in Ghana...

Crisis alert...
Tuberculosis outbreak...

- Humanitarian aid.
- Disarmament treaty.

- Help women and children.
- Save the orphans.

Loose nukes... Sinkhole...
North Korea...

The prime Minister in exile!
Military coup!

The tropical paradise of Somalia
graciously yields.

- China will pay.
- Swiss are concerned about Earth II.

- Uruguay agrees.
- Sounds like "you're a gay."

Backyard barbecue!

Uruguay kindly requests that
Somalia stop pronouncing "you're a gay."

Hereditary monarchy!
Graft and corruption.

Crisis alert!


Looking good, blue.

Getting very close to world peace.

That's my girl, you're kicking ass.

All right.

This is the home stretch.
All we gotta do is focus.

- Damn, Pierce.
- That wasn't me.

I don't smell anything.
I just got it.

It's in my mouth.

Guys, come on, focus.
Like adults.

We'll lose
if we don't get through it.

Get through it?
It's almost a solid.

Crisis alert.

A genocidal dictator in Laos...

Yeah, yeah, we'll get to that.

Looking at Turkey, what can you do?

So let me get this straight.

You're bringing her in here

for "making a mess."

I did more than that.
I turned your whole system inside out.

And I shut her down.

You spilled paint on a globe.
You're as much a criminal as he's a cop.

None whatsoever.

She's going to do something illegal.
Aren't you?

Is that true?
Do you,

Britta Perry, have any intentions
of breaking any laws ever?

No, it's not that simple.

I have a life now.

- I have a major and...
- Get out, please.

I have highlighters.

Get out!

You've got a lot on your mind,
right now.

But somebody broke that thing
that comes down from the parking booth.

You know the thing that comes down,

keeps the cars from coming in.

The thing.
It's like a gate, but it's just a stick.

Comes down, from a hinge.

Keeps the cars out.
Goes up and down 90 degrees.

The arm?

Another point goes to red team.

- How is this still happening?
- Can't remember the smell of true air.

Do something or we're gonna lose.

Guys, this is important to Annie.

So whoever actually died
a few months ago, 'fess up

so we can put a stake
through your heart.

The lesson here is that a model U.N.,
much like the real,

quickly falls apart when faced...

I think the lesson here
is that I need to win this!

I want to win!

And you!

You suck!

You're a stupid, ugly poopface!

I'm better than you!

You're acting like a little schoolgirl
and not in a hot way.

That made me sound creepy.

But here's the thing.

Don't look at me.

If embarrassment
were bountiful zinc deposits,

I'd be Zambia.

There's nothing to be Zambia about,

This is all my fault,

I pushed you
into competing with other Annie.

Are you kidding me?
I practically ran to you with the flier.

I wanted to destroy her.

I can't handle the thought of anyone
getting more gold stars than me.

I'm such a child.

You're not.

When you really hate someone
the way you hate Annie Kim,

or when you feel
the way I feel about you,

the easy loophole through...

the creepiness and danger
is to treat them like a child.

"A chip off the old block,
you're the best, kiddo."

It's a crutch.

It's a way for me to tell you
how important you are...

from a distance.

But now you're becoming this...

mature, self-possessed,
intelligent young woman,

and I can't keep patting you
on the head or talking down to you.

But I like how close we are.

I don't want to grow up
if it means losing what we have.

Well, tough, Annie.

You have to grow up,
the world needs more women like you.

Can't keep doing this forever, kiddo.

Can't we?

- I can't, no.
- That's gross, that feels gross.

I better go check on the group.

Unless they left.

I'll follow you.
From a respectable distance.


Sorry I put you through that.

And I know it doesn't make up,


would it help if I said I farted?

I can't let you
fall on that sword because...

- I farted.
- No, I farted.

I farted.

- I wasn't doing the Spartacus thing.
- I farted.

- No, seriously...
- We all farted.

Oh, you guys!

I'm farting now.

You're still here?

Abed may have figured out
a way we can still win.

- Really? How?
- It's simple, really. First we...

What did I tell you?
You can't just mumble nonsense.

- No one's cutting away.
- Fine, here's my actual plan.

- What is that?
- It's from Britta.

She's promising
to disrupt the model U.N.

She says
she's gonna cause a disruption that,

while not completely illegal,
should be a real concern

to campus security!

Maybe we should call the real cops.

You know, back in the '80s,
I had this real piece of work protestor,

used to always give me trouble.

You know what happened to her?

She incited a riot at the W.T.O.

Got choked until she passed out.

By some real cop.

With a real billyclub.

Sometimes I wonder, you know?

What are you waiting for?

Go show that hippie
how the world works.

Aren't you forgetting something?

All in favor?

- Aye?
- Could you morons say aye any slower?

- Greetings, people of Earth II.
- What is this?

We represent the U.N. from Earth I.

Using our Switzerland's hadron collider
and resources from every nation,

our people have constructed
a trans-dimensional gateway here.

They can't do this.

The science works out.

We've an offer.

We have achieved world peace,
tying our score with yours.

But we're willing to concede
if you agree conceding too,

forming one gigantic
united United Nations.

- We did it.
- You're a fool.

Your ultimatum is itself
a technical act of aggression.

If we simply refuse
to recognize your authority,

we still remain ahead and you lose.

But you win a simple game.

The larger symbolic victory
will be ours.

We refuse.

I'll take the real victory.

A logical, effective,
common sense move, Annie Kim.

One which flies in the very face
of the U.N. itself,

a fundamentally symbolic organization

founded on the principles
of high-minded rhetoric

and empty gestures.

Blue U.N. wins.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Nothing.

And you can't do anything to stop me.

Did someone say "can't do anything"?

I knew you'd come.

You're so busted.

I told you
to stop playing operation on me!

I'm not your damn board game!

At least,
you didn't get my spare ribs.