Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 1 - Biology 101 - full transcript

Jeff's plan to keep Pierce out of the Study Group backfires when he gets kicked out instead, Abed copes with bad news about Cougar Town, and Dean Pelton's authority is challenged by another Greendale dean.

♪ We're gonna fly to screw
each morning ♪

♪ we're gonna smile
the entire time ♪

♪ we're gonna be more happy ♪

♪ we're gonna finally be fine ♪

♪ we're gonna get more calm
and normal ♪

♪ we're gonna fix
our state of mind ♪

♪ we're gonna be less crazy ♪

♪ we're gonna finally
be fine ♪

♪ we're gonna stand holding
hands in a brand new land ♪

♪ far away
from the borderline ♪

♪ we're gonna seem like
a mainstream dream ♪

♪ and be appealing
to all mankind ♪

♪ we're gonna have more fun
and be less weird ♪

♪ than the first two years
combined ♪

♪ and we're gonna
live forever ♪

♪ and we're gonna sleep
together ♪

♪ and we're gonna finally
be sunny and shinily ♪

♪ we're gonna finally be fine ♪

Jeff. Jeff?

Oh, sorry.
Uh, what was the question?

What are we gonna do
without Pierce

in the study group this year?

I'm sure we'll figure it out.

Speaking of figuring
things out,

me and Abed
have an announcement.

Troy and I are living together.

- Oh, that's--
- Oh, that's nice.

If you want to get us a gift,

we're registered
at linens 'n things.

We have plenty of linens.
We mainly want the things.

How you like me now, bitches?

Dean, you seem different.

Are you in a play right now?

Over the summer,
I decided it's time

to whip this place into shape.

I'm gonna be a mean, lean,
deaning machine.

No more paintball,
no more spaceships,

no more trampolines,
and no more--

What is that?

It's probably the monkey
that lives in the vents.

I named him "Annie's boobs,"
after Annie's boobs.

See, this is the kind of
national lampoonery

that is coming
to an end this year.

Homie don't dean this.

Okay, guys,
let's get to biology on time.

I don't want to be
a screwup this year.

Uh, Britta.

Damn it.

We're really doing this
without Pierce?

So sad.

Yeah, we have parted ways
with our closest,

oldest, craziest,
most racist, oldest,

elderly, crazy friend,
and he's not coming back.

I'm back.

How was your summer?

Enlightful, Annie.

I underwent three months
of intensive soul-rezoning

at the laser lotus
celebrity center.

I stand before you a more
highly evolved Pierce Hawthorne,

one that can accept
that this table has a--

has a sort of magic in it.


And I'd like to come back.

- Yeah.
- Damn it!

Oh, uh, sorry.

I just had
the frustrating realization

that you can't come back
to the group,

because you're not in biology
and it's all filled up.

Well, couldn't we take
something else?

I mean, surely we've
evolved beyond

caring what class
we take together.

- Oh, yeah.
- Pierce!

I'll do you one better.

I think we've evolved beyond
reliance on a group at all.

Aren't we just actual friends
now, no matter where we are?

You know what's magic
about this table?

It magically keeps our books
from falling on the floor.

The table's for studying,
but as friends, we've evolved.

And let's use that first breath

of crisp, new,
super evolved air

to declare proudly
and in one voice, "Pierce...

We'll see you
when we see you."

Don't tell the monkey
I'm living here.

♪ Give me some rope,
tie me to a tree ♪

♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said
we could be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ one by one they all
just fade away ♪

Oh, star-burns,
I see you added a lizard

to your special hat
and sideburns.

Am I missing anything?

Yeah! The human being
underneath it all,

but no one's really interested
in that, are they?


I hope we did the right thing
about Pierce.

He really seems
like he's changed.

What are you, nuts?

That's what
he wants you to think.

Trust me, we're better off
without him.

Excluding Pierce is what
drove him crazy last year.

Wrong, being crazy
drove him excluded.

What's wrong?

Cougar town has been moved
to mid-season.

That's never a good sign.

Not cool, not cool, not cool,
not cool, not cool--

Hey buddy, hey,
it's coming back in January.

Six seasons and a movie.

Six seasons and a movie.


This is Intro to Biology.

I'm your professor,
Dr. Marshall King, PhD.

It took me 6,205 hours
to get my degree,

and I know, because I was only
allowed in the library

one hour per day at the San
Vicente correctional facility

while serving a sentence
of 25 to life.

Now let's talk about that word.



It's a new phone.
Switching to vibrate.

This is really great.

I stared at a crack in the
ground in my cell for years,

and one day,
something grew from it.

A single blade of grass.

Vibrates louder than the ringer.

Gosh. You know what?
Turning it off.

Living thing,
growing from dead stone.

Get out!

- Oh, it's off, it's off.
- Out!

I turned it off.

Fine. Okay, fine.
I'm leaving.

And don't bother coming back.

Hey, dude,

Sean Penn called.
He says to dial it back.

Sean Penn is an actor who--

I know who Sean Penn is.
I've seen Milk.

Now get out.

Dude, learn to blend.

I will not tolerate
monkeys living on campus.

If I wanted
to run a monkey hotel,

I'd install a banana buffet.

I'd use vines as elevators,

and I'd put tail holes
in the bathrobes,

and I'd lower all the shower

Wow, you've really thought
this through.

And now it's your turn.

Idea shower.

Spray your solutions
all over me.

Well, w-we could seal
all the vents

and then pump the ducts
with some kind of gas

that knocks out monkeys.

Monkey knockout gas!

Now that's the kind of grounded,
sensible thinking

I want to see this year.

Catherine, who's next?

Vice Dean Laybourne,

from the air conditioning
repair school annex.

Vice Dean.

New suit, Dean?

New Dean, vice Dean.
New Dean.

I see that you
used school funds

to buy an espresso machine
for your faculty break room.

I don't recall
being consulted on that.

I don't consult you
on anything.

That's the problem.

The air-conditioning repair
school annex seems to think.

That it's separate
from Greendale,

but it's an annex.

An appendage, on a body,
with a head,

and this head is saying
to this appendage,


What you say makes sense, Dean.

Tell you what.

You bring your head down
to my appendage tomorrow,

and I'll show you

I'll be there.

I think I found something
that will help Abed!

Abed, did you know
that Cougar Town

is an American adaptation
of a 1990s British sitcom?

Cougarton abbey.

Just been 'round
Cougarton chapel.

I may be having an awakening.

Come off it, Deidre.

You've only been having
a butchers at the choir boys.

Better than nothing.
Thanks, Britta.

Can you believe that guy,

kicking me out of class
like that?

It's gonna be impossible
to find a science class

with six open spots.

Why would we need to do that?

Because I'm not in biology

And neither is Pierce,

but you're both
still our friends.

We've evolved.

Right, Jeff?

Yes, we have.

- And we all love each other.
- Mm-hmm.

And we all go
to the same school, so, uh...

I guess I'll see ya
when I see ya.

Hey, guess what.

I was on the wait list
for biology,

somebody got kicked out,
I am--

Here to study!


All hail, sir eats alone.

Shut up, Leonard.

I heard about
your prescription socks.

Hope you don't mind, Jeff,

but I've got
a new favorite show,

and I'm only on episode six.

You guys got about
five minutes left to eat.

Oh, my, time flies when you're
studying the science of life.

Well, I think time flies
when you're joking around

about movie titles that sound
like names for poops.

Remains of the day.

Wait a second.

Were you eavesdropping
on our study session?

I was eavesdropping
on your goof-off session,

and you dummies missed
the most obvious one.

No, I said,
"Green Mile."

Operation dumbo drop!

- Ew!
- Gross!

Too clever by half, Jeffrey.

All right, well uh, I gotta go.

Thanks for the five minutes.

Aw, Jeffrey.

Blimey. The barrister's
foreclosed the abbey.

Fancy a drink, then?

Oi, fetch us a hemlock.


- Um--
- Britta?

Why did everyone
on Cougarton Abbey just die?

They only ran six episodes.

That's the great thing about
British tv.

They give you closure.

No, no, no!

We'll find you
a new favorite show!

We'll find you
a new favorite show!

Come on, buddy.

You are human tennis elbow.

You are a pizza burn on the roof
of the world's mouth.

You are the opposite of Batman.

You don't need them, man.

I'll see 'em when I see 'em.


You and I, we should
hang out some time, huh?

Grab a drink?

Where are you living now?

The air vents.

I live in the air vents
of the school. Shhhh!

I'm free, Jeff. Free!

I gotta get back in that class.

Real Dean coming through--
Oh, my goodness spacious,

vice dean...

Is this where Greendale's money
is going?

More accurately, Dean,

it's where Greendale's money
comes from.

Our air-conditioning program
has a job placement rate

five times higher than the rest
of your school combined.

Our alumnini donations
comprise 80%

of your entire school's budget.

And you want to know why
we think we deserve

an espresso machine?!

Well, I guess
I didn't know. I--

And you never had to, Dean.
You could have lived

the rest of your life
in blissful ignorance

and died a happy,
pansexual imp.

But you wanted
to feel power this year.

Well, now, you're going
to feel my power

as it surges downward from me,
straight through you,

from nostril to rectum,
now until the end of time.

And that's "whazup."

I forgot everything you said
before "rectum"!

Who are these guys?

This is my legal team
because I think it's time

we worked out a new agreement.

He doesn't look like a lawyer.

That's a barber.

Because I'm also sick
of that ridiculous goatee.

You look like
a white Lou Gossett, Jr.

You deserve a bigger office.

Biggest office I ever had.

I'm here to apologize,
Dr. King,

and beg you for a seat
in biology.

I tell you what, 'N Sync,
you wanna learn about life?

Give up the phone.

Oh. You're asking me
for a bribe?

I can't be bought, man.
You feel me?

See, prison was my walls.

But you put your walls up.

You, and your phone,
and your attitude,

and your fruit loops cologne.

Your walls put up so tight, man,

not even a blade of grass
could get through.

But even if it did,
you wouldn't appreciate it.

That's why you can't
come back to my class.

What's your problem
with me, man?

And don't act like it's not
about me specifically

because you've been in--


Take it easy, Winger.

Everything okay?

It is now that I have this.

This is my ticket
to getting back in the group.

Hey! Hey!

I want to be
in the group so bad!

All right, let's smoke 'em
and choke 'em.

No! No! N-n-n--

What is that?

Monkey gas!

Monkey gas?

Oh, my g--


All your friends are here.

They wanna talk to you.

I don't get it.

How is this different
from the way he always is?

I don't want to push it,

but this would be a great time
to baptize him.

Abed, maybe this can be
your new favorite show.

It's a British Sci-Fi series

that's been on the air
since 1962.

Britta, you've done enough,

Why don't you go start
a ruiners' club?

Oh wait, you'd probably
just ruin it.

Well then,
I'd be doing a good job

because it's a ruiners' club.

You ruined my analogy.

Guys, look!

Blimey, inspector!

Where have we wound up
this time?

The question isn't where,
constable, but when.

Inspector, look out!

Eradicate! Eradicate!

This is the best show I've
ever seen in my entire life.

Having fun without me again?

Jeff, what happened?
You look 70.

Abed has
a new favorite tv show, Jeff.

It's called
Inspector Spacetime--

Can it, boobs.
I came here to let you know

that your best friend Pierce
is the one that got me

kicked out of bio class
and the study group.

It was a plan he hatched
from the beginning

with his pal, Professor Kane.

But, Jeff, that's a photo
I gave our professor

of me visiting Hawthorne Wipes'
spokesman and rap artist

Sugar Cube in prison
during the '90s.

Well, th-th-they look alike.

Uh, I guess they share one
important feature in your eyes.

Well, that's not fair!

Look, I-I-I-I
was standing far away,

and I saw the prison uniform!

Oh, Jeffrey!

Oh, come on, obviously
I don't mean

all black people are in prison!


Jeff, clearly you have gone
off the deep end.

Don't blame him.

The table is powerful,
and being cut off from it--

Shut the--

I've become...

I apologize.

We'll continue this discourse
at a later date.

Good night.

He just needs some space.

I'm going to kill
the one thing you love!

I'm gonna kill it!

As long as it breathes,
it controls our lives!

I just came by to tell everyone

this year isn't gonna be
that different.

With the notable exception,
we really won't have any money.

Have a nice night.

What is with that guy?

Did you find the monkey?

No, but here's the invoice
for the gassing.

Okay, as it turns out,
I cannot pay this...

Or your salaries starting on...
Two weeks ago.

But, what I do have are
these vouchers

for the classes
of your choosing.

You're lucky I need
my scuba certification.

Okay, okay.

I'm the one
living in your vents.

I have no home and no job.

Does that mean you'll work
for room and board?

Okay, I was lying
the whole time.

I didn't want the group
to evolve.

I just didn't want Pierce
around. I hate him.

Okay, but Jeff, what you did--
it's hard to get past that.

I know you're already out
of the study group,

but I'm gonna have to ask that
you stop being my friend.

Okay, look, everybody,
here's the thing,

I am not as evolved
as I said I was.

The biology class was full,
so I told Professor Kane

I'd pay him
a few thousand dollars to...

K-kick Jeff out.



I can't believe Jeff attacked
a table with a fire axe

and still only managed to be the
second craziest man in the room.

Okay, everybody in favor of
voting Pierce out of the group?

Stop! Stop!

Pierce isn't crazy.

The table...


As someone who's been
on the other side,

I can tell you,

it is a scary, lonely,
Chang-filled world out there,

and sure, this group has
sprouted some legs,

but why are we in such a rush
to leave the tide pool,

when the only things
waiting for us on shore

are the sands of time.

And the hungry seagulls
of slowly growing apart.

Man, I really need this
biology class.


Professor Kane has never taken
a bribe from anyone in his life.

You feel me?

Yeah, I lied, but you seem
to have a harder time

being the bad guy than me.

You're right. I do...

Which, in a weird way,
makes me a pretty bad guy.

We're one and the same.

Please don't.

Jeff, but you're still
kicked out of biology.

Oh, I'm not worried about it.

Life has a way
of breaking through.

So, uh, here's what
I'm thinking.

I'm a drug dealer, right?
And you're a scientist,

so couldn't we get, like,

a Breaking Bad
type of thing going?

Sorry, star-face, you just
lost your seat in my class.

There, now the table
is good as new.

And so is Abed.

Britta, I'm sorry I was
overprotective about it.

I'll try and be more supportive
of you.

Well, here's your first chance.

Helping Abed has inspired me
to finally declare a major.

I'm gonna study Psychology.

Like in a research capacity?

No, in a hands-on capacity.
I'm gonna be a therapist.


Hey, hey, hey, keep it down.

There's a new sheriff in town.

- Oh, interesting. So this is
the year we all die. - Yes, it is.