Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 3 - Competitive Ecology - full transcript

I really made my bones with
that last collar, babe.

Today's the day.

You woke up with
a guard this morning.

But tonight, you're going
to bed with a detective.

Shh...Okay, you get
some rest, 'kay?

Probably need it.

Here's Ben dressed
like a dragon.

Aww.

Here's me and Abed dressed
as Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy.

Aww.

Who's Nick Nolte?



Aww.

Hey, Abed, can I borrow some
change for the water fountain?

Yeah. Here you go.

- Thank you.
- Wait. Change?

- Hey, Dean.
- Hmm?

What are you doing?

Nothing after lunch.

And I can skip lunch
if you want-- Oh. That.

Keeps tuition down
and it saves on water, too.

That's because nobody's
gonna pay to drink water.

Actually it's a two
drink-minimum.

It'll be reflected
in your tuition.

Hey, Dean.
Thanks for the new digs.

Ah, eh, remember
what we talked about?



We have to keep this whole
living situation kind of quiet.

You know, on the d-low.

Sure, you know,
I'm barely there.

I'm married to the job.

And to a mannequin leg
I found in the boiler room.

Homewrecker.

Your first major lab assignment

is to construct a terrarium.

Sort of like a diorama.

You guys have
weird reactions to stuff.

Hey, can I ask you something?

This is unrelated.

As someone who just finished
spending the majority

of his life in prison,

what happened with legos?
They used to be simple.

Oh, come on, I know you know
what I'm talking about.

Legos were simple.

Something happened out here
while I was inside.

Harry Potter legos,
Star Wars legos.

Complicated kits,

tiny little blocks.

I mean, I'm not saying it's bad,
I just wanna know what happened.

All right, fine.

Your terrariums are due
tomorrow.

And everyone look across
the table

at the person in front of you.

That's your lab partner
for the rest of the semester.

Saddle up.

Who are these people?

♪ Give me some rope,
tie me to a tree ♪

♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said
we could be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ one by one they all
just fade away ♪

Um, hello, please,
Professor Kane?

Yes?

I know you haven't been here
at Greendale very long,

but, um...We're a study group.

It's kind of a thing.
We've been through a lot.

You probably heard
of the space bus.

Paintball.

I had sex with Eartha Kitt
in an airplane bathroom,

and these are the only guys
I've ever told.

Yeah, we're like a family.

We love each other.
Second paintball.

What is happening
at this school?

I have so many conversations
that make no sense.

Uh, we'd really prefer
to partner up amongst ourselves.

I don't care.
Go ahead.

It's not you, it's me.

I'm just trying
to protect us both

from more pain down the road.

I may have
a developmental disorder.

I need to catch up
on Breaking Bad, so...

I'm so sorry.

I have
a developmental disorder.

Star Wars, Star Wars.
Cool, cool, cool. Hmm.

You understand.

You're also, quite frankly,
a very weird-looking man.

I don't know you,
but I just don't trust you.

And I don't think
I could grow to like you.

The point of what I'm trying
to tell you, Todd,

is that I don't want
to be your lab partner.

No offense.

None taken.

I understand, you wanna be
with your friends.

Don't tell me what I'm feeling
or thinking. It's petty.

Good-bye, Todd.

Okay, how are we
gonna divide the--

Hey, Todd! Todd, buddy!
You passed the test.

I've been walking my beat
a long time, sir.

A long time.

I've kept my head down,
paid my dues.

And, well, I think I'm ready
to make detective.

You've only been here a month.

You really haven't done
much of anything.

And there's no such thing
as security guard detective.

We don't solve crimes.

We barely prevent them.

You wanna detect something?

Do it on your own time.

Maybe I will.

"Maybe I will."

My own words rang in my head
like a bell inside a head.

Maybe I was crazy.

Or maybe, just maybe,
I was a detective.

- Hey.
- What?

- Looking for something?
- No.

She said she wasn't,

but her eyes said otherwise.

She was all dame,
legs that went all the way

to the bottom of her torso.

The kind of arms
that had elbows.

Um...Did you just call me
in here to stare at me?

The way she left,
I could tell that somebody--

or something--had really
put the scare on her.

But what? Why?

Stapler.

Was I crazy?

Or were they somehow connected?

I can't believe it.

This is the first time there
hasn't been a beetle in here.

- Should we move outside?
- Uh-huh.

Did you even hear what I said?

- Uh-huh.
- Seriously?

Is this what it's gonna be
like working together?

What?

I lost three followers?

Man, people just
can't handle the truth

about Ben Sherman's
winter collection.

Roommates, study group,
lab partners.

We really are gonna spend
all our time together.

How awesome is that?

Very.
You know what else is awesome?

Last night I saw
the Hong Kong movie.

That Kickpuncher is based on.

Yeah, I know, I was there.

Did you see the scene where
Kickpuncher kick-punches

200 guys with one kick-punch?

Yeah.
Both of them.

Oh.

We spend
too much time together.

Jinx.

Here's Ben with his cupcake.

And here he is
a few seconds later

when he was crying because
he dropped his cupcake.

Mm-hmm.

And here he is
with another cupcake.

Oh, oh, wait, these pictures
are out of order.

That's the same cupcake.

Oh, Shirley, these pictures
are adorable.

And comprehensive.

But did you know that
sugar is like baby meth?

That's what my homeopath said.

Well, maybe your gay friend
should mind his own business.

"Forget about the girl,"
I told myself.

"Let her go, like
a lobster claw letting go

of a small balloon
for lobsters."

Still, I had a hunch.

Hmm. A matchbook.

Something about it
seemed clue-y.

"Arizona matchbook company."

Arizona.

Arizona backwards
is still Arizona!

It's a palomino!

Maybe I was crazy...

Or maybe I was finally sane.

Why does this guy keep
staring at me?

Britta.
What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just
getting some air.

Me too.
And wondering something.

I was wondering something, too.

- Tell me.
- No, you first.

I was wondering,
what would it be like

- if we were partners?
- What's going on here?

Were you thinking of
changing partners?

Who's thinking
of changing partners?

Were you gonna bail on me?

No. No one here is thinking
of changing partners. No, sir.

I am!

While he was spying,
I found a turtle.

It's not fair that
I should be the only one here

saddled with a total waste
of space loser.

- No offense, Todd.
- None taken.

Why should you all get
the exact partner you wanted?

That's right.

It's totally not fair that
we saddled Pierce with Todd.

We should probably
choose partners again.

I mean, just to be fair.

So it's agreed.
Let's go to the study room

and deal with this Todd problem
once and for all.

Okay.

Um, did you want me to come?

Um, it's called
"the Todd problem."

Okay, we just have to come up
with a fair way

to decide who is gonna be stuck
for an entire semester

with this... Random.

This, uh... Non-grouper.

No offense, Todd.

None taken.
I'm happy to work with whoever.

There's only one way
to decide this fairly.

We go boy-girl, boy-girl.

But everyone has to have
a different hair color.

And be from a different
high school.

And be a different race.

I guess I'd be with... Britta.

I guess my--my hands are tied.

The hair color concept
intrigues me

because it's how
I distinguish you anyway.

But what if we arrange by age,
so that way

the young people can work
while the old people sleep

and vice versa.

Um, I-I was just wondering
who you considered old,

because I'd like
to remind you again

that I'm just about
the same age as Jeff.

Oh, I was counting Jeff
as old, too.

Hey!

Oh, well, that's
all right then.

I just don't understand how
my age has anything to--

Oh, for heaven's sake, Pierce!

I was thinking the thing
that would be most beneficial--

you know, for the group--
would be

to pair the people with the
lowest GPAs with the highest.

Hmm. Interesting.

The highest
carrying the lowest?

I can see how
you might want that.

You know what, Annie?

Pew, pew, pew, pew, p--

Wait, no.
Pew, pew, pew, pew.

Does anyone else have kids?

Because I have a gorgeous little
newborn that I'd like to get--

Oh, perfect!

You'll enjoy talking to Shirley
about her kids.

Uh-uh, don't go trying to pawn
Todd off on me.

Again, none taken.

Guys, our terrariums are due
tomorrow and it's already nine.

Okay, let's make this simple
and do it like student housing.

Everyone write down
their lab partner preferences

from one to eight.

Abed, you're a computer.

You figure out a way to put us
in our optimal pairings.

And before you all go
putting Todd down last,

don't forget he comes
with a turtle.

You're halfway done.

How does that sound?

Somebody wake up Pierce.

Hello, Arizona
matchbook company.

I had to get some answers.

And I needed answers like a fish
needs a bicycle-- A lot.

Hello?
Hello?

Yeah, I am, uh, interested
in your matchbooks.

Yes, would you like
to place an order?

I had to think fast.

- Yes.
- Get away from my desk.

I'll call you back.

You've been walking
around campus

asking people weird questions
and then staring at them

while slightly
moving your lips?

I had to think fast.

No.

Ben... I think this job
might be getting to you.

I think you need
to take some time off.

Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

Very much so.
Yes.

All right, yep.

According to my system,
Annie's gonna be with Shirley.

Pierce is with me.
Troy is with Britta.

And Jeff is with Todd.

Okay, let's get to work.

Uh, wait. Um, how did
I end up with Todd?

I mean, no offense,

but he wasn't exactly
at the top of my list.

None taken.

It's what the algorithm
dictated.

And we're just supposed
to trust your algorithm?

You're questioning
my algorithm?

Not necessarily. Is your
algorithm above questioning?

Not necessarily.

Will you just tell us
how you chose?

I used the ballots to rank
everyone by popularity.

And I put the most popular
with the least popular.

I figured it would maximize each
partnership's audience appeal.

Oh, I-I see.

So I was number one, and
he was obviously number eight.

No offense, Todd.

You and Todd
were four and five.

I was four?

- Todd was four.
- I was five?

Well, that's insane!

We don't even know him.

He's a stranger.

Please, Jeff.
It has feelings.

Wait, so we all know
Annie was number one,

because she'd do all the work.

And Shirley was
her partner, so...

But that means--
so you all put--

I just worked it out.

I'm more popular than someone!

Getting the matchbooks shipped
to me the same day wasn't easy.

I had to pay the company money.

I used Nunez's card.

He'd thank me at
the Detective Awards.

Somewhere, somehow, I was gonna
find what I was looking for.

Holy Mary, mother of God.

Was I crazy?

Or was I on
the verge of something?

My mind reeled with thoughts.

Voices.
Stand-up premises.

Why don't they just make tires
out of pavement

so you can drive on anything?
What's up with buttons?

What would happen if
Nicholson was a gynecologist?

There was something there.

I need a notepad.

Maybe a blazer.

Honey, I-I-I don't know
when I'll be home.

How could you guys hate me
more than Pierce?

Or anything more than Pierce?

Thin ice, Shirley.

My friends and I
are not gonna let you

drive a wedge between us.

Shirley has a point.

This list stinks
like a butt convention.

How else could you explain
Troy being so unpopular?

Uh, I think I was
the popular one in our pairing.

Oh, Troy.

Fine, why don't I just
go work with Todd?

Hey, that's cool,
whatever gets this project done.

Oh, wow, what a great guy.

I can see why all of you like
him so much more than me.

Jeff, maybe it's just that no
one wants to carry you all year.

Gee, you're right, Annie,
it's not personal.

I mean, it's not like
people really like you.

You're just a good grade
in a tight sweater.

You're just a bad grade
in a tight sweater.

And who the hell
are you always texting?

Everyone you know is here.

Okay, let's all just
take a breath--

Don't get your number four
stink on this, Todd.

Okay, let's focus.

We're all the same people
we were 12 hours ago.

Maybe we should just revert
to our original pairings.

But I thought you didn't want
to carry Jeff.

Oh, you just don't want
to work with Shirley.

You too, brute?

It's just...
You're a creationist!

- What?
- You're so religious.

How are you gonna do
science experiments

if you don't even
believe in science?

Just because someone's
religious doesn't mean

they have a problem
with science.

And certainly,

if an introductory biology
course at a community college

can refute 2,000 years
of miracles--

And what about Britta?

She's not gonna
dissect anything.

Fine, you got me, I won't
dissect anything with a face.

What about worms?

Do they have tiny little faces?

This is why
you're the stupidest!

If loving worms is stupid,
I don't wanna be smart.

It is, and you can't be.

Guys, I just figured it
all out.

Pierce, wake up,
Jeff is gonna heal us.

We have been looking
at this totally wrong.

There's no way I'm unpopular.

One of you monsters
just put me last

in a petty attempt
to humble me.

Oh!

I just had a terrible nightmare
that Jeff was a pompous ass.

Also Todd was there.

Uh, no offense, Todd.

I'd poked my nose
where it didn't belong.

Someone--or something--
had sent me a message.

Veronica.

It was my fault she had
gotten mixed up in all this.

Uh-uh, Todd.

Pretty sure I heard
a fire alarm.

Nobody's going home until
we see those ballots.

See the ballots?
Are you crazy?

I say let's lay our cards
on the table

and see what everyone really
thinks of each other.

Get behind me, Abed.

Jeff, stop it!

Pass!

Give it to me!
No, get back, get back!

I am doing this for all of us.

Oh, no, she's got
her marijuana lighter.

Don't!

Noooo!
The turtle is in there!

Oh, my God, I am so sorry!

What is wrong with you people?

Huh?

I thought you were
supposed to be friends!

I thought you were supposed
to love each other!

Your love is weird.

And toxic!

And it destroys
everything it touches!

I no longer care about grades.

Or biology. Or finally
graduating from college,

like I promised
my dying father.

I'm going home.

I'm gonna hold my wife
and my child close.

And I am gonna finally
take my Insulin shot!

Offense taken.

Offense taken.

Well, he is right
about one thing.

You're all terrible people.

And I don't care about
this stupid assignment.

I'm going home.

No, I'm not,
I'm going to biology class.

It starts in 15 minutes.

And eventually, this caterpillar

will come out of its cocoon.
And then--

Pop, pop!

Nice work, you two.

You know they're laughing
at you, right?

I mean, that's my theory.

Now, super group.

I can't help but notice
a sorry lack of terrariums.

We didn't have time to finish.

Here's mine.

When did you even
have time to do that?

You're pathological.

It's too late for flattery.

Professor, obviously
this isn't working out.

You're just gonna have to put us
with our original lab partners.

- All right?
- I don't have to do anything.

Not after you broke
my boy Todd.

That man called me
crying this morning.

You know he fought
in Iraq, right?

We had a name for people
like you in prison.

We called you
"the mean clique."

But I have a solution.

All seven of you
will share a microscope,

one bench, and one grade
that I will average.

Everyone else gets
their own stuff.

So can we get an extension
on the first assignment?

No. You all fail.

Oh, my God.

How did this happen?

And did I miss the firemen?

Dean, the explanation
is simple.

It's all connected.

A web of conspiracy that goes

all the way to the top
of Arizona.

All... Right.

Hey, somebody's been
squatting in the utility closet.

There's a hot plate back there,
thousands of matches.

I mean, we're looking at dozens

of major health
and fire code violations.

I think we're gonna have to get
the police involved.

And that's when it hit me.

I was in really big trouble.

Dean.

Dean?

Oh, uh...No.

No need to get the cops.

With a conspiracy this big,
they're probably involved.

- What?
- What Chang says

makes a lot of sense,
and, um...

Okay, you know what?
I quit.

I mean, I can deal
with the not getting paid,

but I draw the line
at you enabling this man.

I mean, I'm seriously concerned
that he's mentally ill.

And--and it's not funny
at all. It's scary.

- The top of Arizona...
- I needed to know more.

- Was it a very high mesa?
- About those firemen.

- Or was it a state of mind?
- Were they ethnically diverse?

- Either way, I was going...
- Did they bring a dalmatian?

- To have to climb it.
- Could I buy a calendar?

Okay, screw this.
I-I quit.

Hmm?

Well, it seems that Greendale
owes you a debt of gratitude.

How would you like to be
the new head of security?

I had to think fast.

Yes.

I don't know, was I crazy?

Or was I just doing right
by the school?

- This is awkward, isn't it?
- Yeah.

You know, I think
it's pretty clear

what destroyed the balance
in our study group's ecosystem.

Ranking one person
above another.

Letting our differences
get the bets of us.

- Racism?
- No.

Todd.

Todd!

Did you see the head
on that guy?

"None taken."

What was wrong with him?

Not to be unchristian,
but that boy sucked.

I missed this.

Aww!

And his dumb baby!

- I know!
- On and on.

He wouldn't shut up.

These questions
are really personal.

Are you sure this is anonymous?

Yeah, they're just
practice evaluations

for my psych class.

All right.
Who did a butt?

They're boobs.
And I don't know.

Take it again.

All right.

Somebody drew a penis.

Oh! And another penis.

Penis, penis, penis.
Very mature, guys.

- I didn't draw a penis.
- Me neither.

Yeah, these are all
normally filled out tests.

Ha ha! Gotcha!

This was also a test,
and you all penised.

Passed.

Maybe I need to take one.

A test.
Not a penis.