Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 14 - Pillows and Blankets - full transcript

"who want to make inconsistent
kinds of worlds,

I see no remedy but force."

Oliver Wendell Holmes.

There was a point
where all I saw were feathers.

Then I started swinging.

And then I hit something
and heard someone fall.

Could've been somebody
from my side.

In 2012,
Greendale Community College

was the site of the largest
and longest pillow fight

in community college history.

It shaped and scarred
the landscape of their campus



and forever changed the lives
of those involved.

A health care
administration student,

who turned the storage room
into a sanctuary for soldiers

with broken glasses
and lightly grazed testicles.

A high school dropout
and amateur photographer

whose borrowed camera
would capture

some of the war's blurriest,
most poorly framed moments.

A disgraced former lawyer

whose words would inspire
tens of students

to take up pillows and fight,

most likely to avoid
an upcoming test.

A loving wife and mother
who would prove to be

as skilled at kicking asses
as she was at wiping them.

The dried-up heir
to a moist towelette empire,



who would prove to be
the dried-up heir

to a moist towelette empire.

The sensitive
high school quarterback

who became commander in chief
of his own army.

He would later say of the war,
"it was awesome,

but also, it wasn't?"

And his socially
dysfunctional best friend

turned bitter rival,

an uncompromising tactical
mastermind feared by all

yet unable to pay
parking tickets

or know left from right

without mouthing
the pledge of allegiance.

The rift in their friendship
would carry their school

into a conflict lasting days,

costing hundreds of dollars

and resulting in
over 12 transfers.

There are people who say,
"I don't get it.

So it was a pillow fight,"

to which I say...

"You weren't there."

Jeffrey, you have to come
mediate Troy and Abed.

They look up to you.
What's with the film crew?

- Don't worry about that.
- Oh, I am worried about that.

If there's one thing
I've learned at this place,

it's that a film crew
means disaster.

Okay, they are here to document

Greendale's guinness record,

which you are going
to make sure we get

by talking to Troy and Abed
right now.

- This is your fault.
- No, it's your fault.

- This is your fault.
- Your fault.

- Your fault!
- Your fault!

Okay, I've got good news
for both of you.

Neither of you has to apologize
because what you're doing

is equally ridiculous.

So here's the solution
I'm pitching.

I'm giving you two
imaginary Friendship Hats

that automatically
make you friends again.

Are we done?

Sorry, Jeff, but this matter's
a little more serious than that.

No, it's not.

You're children
acting like grown-ups.

I mean, it's fine.

But just don't pretend
it's anything but that.

Troy Barnes and Abed Nadir.

Friends so close,
they once graced the cover

of Friends Weekly, a pretend
magazine of their own design.

Earlier that day,
they begin construction

on a fort made of pillows.

Its name...
New Fluffytown.

Its goal... to be a newer,
fluffier town than Fluffytown,

their blanket fort
from the previous year.

New Fluffytown
don't care who you were.

You were surrounded
by softness.

It's just like crawling
through a hug.

Well...

I guess all hugs
have to come to an end.

When an opportunity
arises for a world record,

it creates a rift.

Troy wants to go for the record

using blankets
for rapid expansion.

Abed insists on pillows,

declaring world records
to be dumb.

Troy declares
the Declaration Lame,

stating that thinking records
are dumb is stupid.

He secedes from New Fluffytown

and begins constructing
Blanketsburg

on the other side
of the campus.

Abed renames his fort
Pillowtown

for the sake
of conceptual symmetry.

Both forts expand until both
are in each other's way.

Study Room "F," 3:00 P.M.,

things quickly reach
their boiling point.

- You stand back.
- Watch it, Star-Burns.

My name is Alex!

A softly lobbed,
hypoallergenic sealy select

in a floral print case

collides with
a load-bearing broomstick,

collapsing a queen-sized section
of blanket fort.

You saw that. They knocked it down!

It was later named
"The Study Room Kerfuffle."

Protect everyone!
Protect Pillowtown!

Jeffrey, you're not mediating.

Ah, Dean, what do you
want me to say, huh?

I mean, some conflicts
are so pointless,

they just have to play
themselves out.

Fine.

The Legit Republic
of Blanketsburg

says Pillowtown has
until midnight tonight

to surrender its territory.

The United Forts of Pillowtown
declines the request.

It's not a request.

I'm giving you an "all tomato,"

meaning that you give me
the whole tomato or else.

Or else what?

See you at midnight.

Oh, my God.

Do people go to classes?

The deadline
divides friendships,

families, even study groups.

Pierce Hawthorne
takes Troy's side,

citing that Abed is weirder
and more foreign.

Shirley Bennett
decides her allegiance

in a text message
to her husband.

I'll be home late, sugar boots.

Abed hurt Troy's feelings
by being a robot.

Need to stay with my boy
to make sure

Britta doesn't put him
on the weed.

Please record forensic files.

Troy appoints Shirley Bennett

as his second-in-command,
at which point,

Pierce switches to Abed's side.

There were those who thought
that midnight might come and go,

and nothing would happen.

Well, I was in Korea,
and I knew the sound of crap

when it was about
to hit the fan.

You know what it sounded like?

That's right, Jackson.

Silence.

Midnight comes,
and a campus holds its breath.

I know there's a lot
of blanket stackers

and pillow packers out there

thinking it's going
to go down tonight.

But there's a lot of us folks
from the scene in between

saying, "Hey, we're all
looking to chill out

and lay down
with someone special."

This is real Neil
with pipes of steel,

signing of with
the smooth sounds

of daybreak.

I gotta get this on film.

I am straight trouncing spaz
in go fish.

Dude, what are you doing?

Don't record this.

Wait, did you hear that?

What the hell is that?

12:07 A.M.

Blanketsburg soldiers charge
a pillow fort in the library.

The pillowtonians
move quickly to defend.

There were no rules
in that first battle.

You hit someone,
and if they went down,

you stop hitting them.

Call that Common Courtesy.

Then what if they get up?

Do you maybe keep hitting them
till they learn to stay down?

We call that Common Sense.

The battle lasts six minutes.

No territory changes hands.

Blanketsburg
has drawn first blood.

Pillowtown will draw
First Blood part II.

Citizens of Blanketsburg,
I ask you now

to prepare for war.

And I ask Garrett to please fix
the microphone on my laptop.

It's doing that thing again.

The United Forts of Pillowtown

and the Legit Republic
of Blanketsburg

are at war,

each side attempting to kick down
and replace the other.

The unmoving line between them

is a campus-wide,
fleece-laden strip

of pillow-to-pillow
combat.

Britta Perry attempts to capture

the war's
sublime indignities on film.

Unfortunately for Britta

and millions of photographers
like her,

just because something
is in black and white

doesn't mean it's good.

Rules are agreed upon,
but casualties are inevitable.

Outside the science lab,

at the Battle
of Big Bulletin Board,

Pierce Hawthorne
suffers broken glasses,

a hurt finger,
and erectile dysfunction,

which, in his words,
had never happened ever

before that battle.

"Pillows, but no sleep.

"Feathers, but no birds.

"Pajamas without children.

"Violence without purpose.

I saw mommy
kissing Exxon Mobil."

Amanda Johnson.

Poet by choice,
lesbian by birth.

Even Jeff Winger,
who, before the war,

lacked interest in it,
has now found a leading role.

Soldiers of Blanketsburg,

we fight not
because we want war.

We fight,

- that we might gain peace!
- Yeah!

Winger's critics suggest

he merely improvised
hot-button patriotic dogma

in a Ferris Bueller-ian attempt
to delay schoolwork.

Winger decries
the accusation as,

"A slanderous betrayal
akin to 9/11."

Later after the war,

he would refer to the theory
as "essentially accurate."

Annie Edison provides
humanitarian relief

for both sides.

Her text conversations with
Jeff Winger give us a glimpse

beneath the cushions of war
to the lost pennies

and grody q-tips
of war's emotional toll.

"Jeff, heard from one of
Troy's soldiers about a speech

"you gave to troops
at the blanket fort.

"Wish this war could be over.

But proud of you
for taking a stance."

Text message.

Annie Edison.

"Thank you, Annie.

"I'm proud of you too
and of us all.

"Also with the nightmare
would end.

But using what I'm given
to give what I can."

Jeff Winger.

"Jeff, just heard
from one of Abed's soldiers

"that you gave an identical
speech to troops at Pillowtown.

"WTF? Sad face.

Special icon of
a downward thumb."

"Annie, okay, you caught me.

"I prefer war to homework.

"How do you do
that little thumb icon?

I can't find it on my phone."

Jeff Winger.

"Jeff, you're disgusting.

"Troy and Abed's friendship
is at stake.

"You can buy special icons
and packages at the app store.

Piece of Sushi, birthday cake,
stop sign, snowman, umbrella."

Annie Edison.

Pierce Hawthorne, humiliated

in the Battle
of Big Bulletin Board,

wants a chance
to redeem himself.

I'm working on something.
Look at this.

You can build this?

You just give me the pillows.

I hope to God
we'll never have to use it.

Oh, me too.

Rumors of Hawthorne's weapon

find their way to Troy.

Troy Barnes
will take no chances.

He turns to Ben Chang,
Greendale's chief of security,

rumored to be
literally psychotic,

and who has been kept on
the sidelines until this moment.

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ I'm a killer, man ♪

Aah!

Chang has recruited an army

of preteen security interns

while moonlighting
at a local Bar Mitzvah.

They were later nicknamed
"The Changlorious Basterds,"

like Inglourious Basterds,

but with "Chang"
instead of "In."

I don't get it either.

Most of the soldiers
in this war

hadn't fought
with a pillow in years.

These little bastards.

Pillow fighting was
a way of life for them.

One of the interns said
they were making necklaces

out of mattress tags.

This is when things get
as ugly as they can get...

While still being
a pillow fight.

"Crazy war, huh?

"I heard Chang's kids
are really ducking stuff up.

"Hey, check it out.
I downloaded that thing.

"Birthday cake, birthday cake,
unicorn, woman's shoe.

How's the nurse thing going?"

No response.

You guys like pillows?

How do you like these pillows?

The Changlorious
Basterds have turned the war

into a chaotic sea
of high-thread-count terror.

Under advice
from his top general,

Abed sees no choice but to
unleash his doomsday device.

You're going to die,
you little bastards!

What the heck is that?

He is part man, part pillow...

All carnage.

Pierce Hawthorne
has transformed himself

into an unstoppably
plush juggernaut.

Guys, guys, let's retreat.
Go, go!

"The war won't stop with
First Blood part II.

"It will escalate to Rambo III,
which should really be called

First Blood part III.

"But the Rambo titles
never made sense.

And neither does war."

Abed Nadir.

Facebook status update.

Leonard likes this post.

Why are you ignoring me?

What's the point
of talking to you?

Your words don't mean anything.

They're just things you say
to get what you want.

Well, that's what
conversation is, Annie.

People saying things
to get stuff.

Then maybe you
should just shut up.

Do you ever just...

Write stuff down
in a journal, Jeff?

One you don't show people
or use to get anything with?

A place
that's just for you to...

Sort out the truth?

If I write stuff down
in a Hello Kitty book,

will you like me again?

I'm taking that as yes.

The war brings out
the worst in people.

Worse yet, Troy's forces
intercept an e-mail

written by Abed
to his commanders,

outlining Troy's weaknesses.

"Troy will hold on
until he is broken emotionally.

"Fortunately,
this will not be hard.

"He gets distracted
by loud noises,

"the color red,
smooth jazz, shiny things

"food smells, music boxes,
bellbottoms,

"boobs, barking dogs, and anyone
saying, "Look over there!"

"He's insecure about his level
of intelligence.

"His greatest vulnerability of
all is his emotional frailty.

"It's incredibly easy
to make him cry.

And he's incredibly ashamed
of that fact."

Get away!

Unfortunately,
the only photographer there

to capture the scene
is Britta Perry.

Yeah, gee.

There's a good one.

Pictured here lying down,

Troy's does not take
Abed's e-mail lying down.

"Hey, dick.
Read your dumb e-mail.

"Really enjoyed it.
Guess what?

"You may have been
my best friend,

"but we both know
I was your first friend.

"And what I know
but you don't know

"because you have mental issues

"is that you're never going
to have another friend.

"Because... all caps...
NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER HAVE

MY PATIENCE WITH YOU!"

Troy Barnes.
Four-part text message.

Word got around these two

were now hurting
each ether's feelings.

And I thought
about what Annie said,

and then I thought about

what I might do
to make things right.

At 8:00 P.M.
of the second night,

both sides are honoring
an agreed upon cease-fire

so that the infantry
can watch the hit TV show

Ski, Shoot, Sing,

a combination biathlon
singing competition,

which was no fun
to watch time-shifted

because then you'd be
the last to know who won.

During the cease-fire,

Jeff summons Troy and Abed
to a secret summit meeting.

- This has to stop.
- Tell him.

Me?
What about your e-mail?

You weren't supposed
to see that.

You weren't supposed
to think those things.

Guys, look at yourselves.

You didn't
used to be like this.

You were Troy and Abed.
Things used to be easy.

He's right.

Our friendship is dead.
What?

Yeah, I think we should agree
right now

that whoever wins this war
can stay in the apartment.

Loser has to find a new place.

Agreed.

Uh, I wanted that
to go different.

The North Cafeteria,

named after
admiral William North,

is located in the western
portion of East Hall,

gateway to the western half
of North Hall,

which is named
not after William North,

but for its position
above the South Wall.

It is the most contested
and confusing battlefield

on Greendale's campus,

next to the English Memorial
Spanish Center,

named after English Memorial,

a portuguese sailor
that discovered Greendale

while looking for a fountain
that cured syphilis.

In a fit of hurt feelings, Troy
redirects most of his infantry

to the Cafeteria.

They arrive at the same time

as 100 Pillowtown troops.

Just after dawn,
the end of the war begins.

Aah!
Okay, I'm out.

I'm dead, I'm dead.

I'm dead.
I'm dead.

Well, that's it.

I just heard
from the Guinness rep.

He's not coming.

He's been fired,
in what he described

as the world's biggest mistake.

I doubt that will make
the next edition.

Anyway, it's over.

What a colossal waste
of 21/2 days.

The war has
no more reason to continue,

and yet it does
between the two that began it.

They just kept fighting.

Like, for hours.

Come on, guys.
Let's wrap this up.

I don't want to.

- Me neither.
- Why not?

This is going to be the last
thing we ever do together.

We can't stop.

Doesn't that
kind of solve your problem?

The realization that you
like each other so much,

you'd hit each other
with pillows forever?

Knowing that doesn't
feel like enough anymore.

Yeah.
We're grown-ups now.

We have grown-up problems.

That's very clear.

Unless...

You use those magical friendship
hats that I got for you.

We're not stupid, Jeffrey.

We know you made those
sarcastically.

Yes, yes.

And I will roll my eyes
at both of you

when I put them on your heads
because that's the way I am.

But that's not the way
you have to be.

We might be interested.

Okay, then.

Here's your magical
Friendship Hat, and...

- Jeff.
- What?

You left the magical
Friendship Hats

at the Dean's office.

Right.

Of course.
I'll go get them.

So Jeff went out,

and he stayed out long enough
to make them believe

he had gone back to the office.

That was a nice touch.

There you go.

Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?

Britta Perry
is there to immortalize

the moment on film...

Accidentally while trying
to get a picture of the light

hitting a stack
of nearby waffles.

Pierce, take that off.

I can't hear you!
Your cheeks are in the way.

First entry
in my stupid journal.

Today I had to run and get
two imaginary Friendship Hats

from an office.

I could've just walked
around the corner

and the come back,
but for some reason,

I actually went
all the way back

to where they were
supposed to be.

One was crumpled up a bit.
That was Troy's.

The other was just a little
dusty. That was Abed's.

I fixed them up even though
I was the only one watching

because I settled on
a truth today

that's always going to be true.

I would do anything
for my friends,

which I think is how everyone
in the world feels,

which finally makes me
understand war.

Guys...

I wasn't going
to show this to anyone,

but, uh, it's pretty profound.

I kind of nailed it.

If you want, I can read it
in the documentary.

That is,
unless you get Tom Hanks.

We tried to get Tom Hanks,

but he's too expensive.

So we used the people involved
for their own voiceover.

Yeah, and I nailed that too.

Why are you here
at the same time as me?

Tight schedule.

- Hey, were you in The Cape?
- No.

Wow.

- Mm.
- I've got goosebumps.

Me too.
Such a great story.

I was on the edge of my seat,
and I was in it.

You want to know what
struck me while I was watching

- that marvelous documentary?
- Hmm?

You can't get quality
programming like that

anywhere else but right here
on Greendale Campus Television.

Just thinking that same thing.

Pillows and Blankets.

Or any of these other
great specials,

A Year in Paris.

The Annie's Boobs Story

or That's Enter-Chang-Ment.

Folks, we know you hate
these constant pledge drives.

We know you hate them.
We don't love doing them.

We don't like
doing them either.

- I'd rather be at home right now.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, taking a warm bath
with my wife.

But if you want to help us out,

if you want to help
Greendale Campus Television

to stay on the air,
keep the lights on.

We are literally this close
to losing our...