Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 15 - Origins of Vampire Mythology - full transcript

Best friends, best friends...

♪ Making a cake ♪
- Wait.

Ah.

Both: ♪ Best friends,
best friends ♪

♪ Making a cake ♪
- Pyoo!

I never thought I'd miss it.

How come I'm not best friends
with anyone in the group?

Both: Aw!

Don't patronize me.

Both: Oh.

♪ She'll be coming
around the mountain ♪



♪ When she comes,
whoo-whoo ♪

Just letting the students know

that if you're on campus
this weekend,

you'll have to park
on the street

because of the carnival.

On an unrelated note,
I'm into trains now.

A real carnival?

Is the company called
red beard's amusements?

Name rings a bell.

But with me,
that could mean anything.

I wonder.

I have an ex-boyfriend
that travels with a carnival.

[Cackling]

[Chuckling]



I'm sorry, Britta.

Some things are funny
because they make no sense.

And that is not one of them.

Well, it looks like my news
has incited some doings.

And if that's not my job,
what is?

Choo choo!

Well, you're also
supposed to--

Eh.
Administrate the school.

So, Britta, tell us about
your carnival worker boyfriend.

Why, so you all can get
a big laugh?

- Yeah.
- I'd love to have a laugh.

- [Giggling]
- The exact reason.

Fine.
I'm not ashamed of my past.

And if it entertains you guys,

that's great
because we're friends.

His name is Blade and...

[hysterical laughter]

What?
Oh, no, Britta!

She invoked friendship
to undercut the laugh,

and we're still laughing.
That's how funny it is!

His name is Blade.
Is that legal?

Shouldn't new line cinema
be suing him?

He was called that
before that stupid movie.

He was called that
before the fantastic movie.

And it was a marvel comic
in 1973.

Well, nerd alert.

Well, ex-boyfriend named
Blade alert.

[Chuckling]

Her love life makes Pierce
seem with it.

Her pain unifies us.

She has the king Arthur
of bad taste in men.

I'm glad you guys
are reacting this way.

I need to be reminded
that he is the worst on earth.

Because if he comes
through town and calls me,

I will be there
in five minutes.

- I don't understand.
- Uh, Andre much?

- Okay, I understand.
- I don't.

- You will.
- What's that mean?

- He's hung.
- Oh, God!

Pierce, you're disgusting.

Just like that
I'm disgusting again.

[Scoffs] I was one of the gang.
It was in my hand.

Sometimes, a woman meets a man

that she just can't shake
from her system

no matter much
she knows better.

I lucked out with Andre,
but God help me.

As you all know, there's not
a lot he couldn't get away with.

So what, Britta?
You're in love with a guy

who's named after
a kickboxing vampire movie?

A fantastic kickboxing
vampire movie.

No, I don't believe in love
because of this guy...

[Choking up] Named after
a kickboxing vampire movie.

Oh, Britta!

Oh, sweetie.

You wanna watch Blade tonight?

Yes.

♪ Give me some rope,
time in a tree ♪

♪ Give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said
we could be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all
just fade away ♪

Ugh, I love that I have
a locker now.

All that wasted time going
to my car

for mid-afternoon wardrobe
adjustments.

What do you think, hmm?
Stick with what's working?

You're gonna change your shirt?

Not if it's working.

- It's not working.
- Yeah.

You're right.
I knew it.

- I'll have what she's having.
- Hey, grow up, lady!

- Annie!
- His shirt wasn't working!

I need your help.

It Blade's carnival
that's coming.

He's working the BB gun
duck-shooting gallery.

I guess he finally got
the promotion.

And he will call me.

And left unattended,

I will end up doing him
like a crossword,

and I will regret it.

So I need you to take my phone,

and don't give it back
until Monday!

Of course.
Okay.

- For real?
- Pipe it!

And I need to stay with you
this weekend.

Not just stay with you,
I need to be on lockdown.

You were a pillhead,
so think of Blade as Adderall.

And handcuff me to the radiator

like a mother-flipping
carny-banging werewolf.

I got this.
I got this.

Our apartment
has central heating,

but I get the idea--
stay strong.

Man, I wonder how many women
I've affected this way.

Ha ha!

[Forced laughter]

[Exaggerated laughter]

Whoo whoo!

All aboard
the human being railway!

Next stop, spo--

- I'll get to the point.

I'd like your student
Troy Barnes

enrolled in the air conditioning
repair program immediately.

Oh, a wonderful opportunity
for a young man of...

Urban race.

Yet try as I might, I'm unable
to make him see it that way.

I need you to change his mind.

But if he's not interested,
what can I do?

Dean, have we forgotten
that your school

is under the ac repair
school's thumb?

Uh, we have not.

Then mine is not to tell you
how to do what I want done.

Mine is to want

and to say my want.

Yours is to know and to do.

I know exactly what to do.

Natalie, could you get me a,
um, book on how to do things?

You know what,
just make me a scotch and soda.

- Make it yourself!
- I don't know how.

[Screaming on TV]

I love Blade's
special Blade weapons.

Yeah, see that sword?
It has two blades.

One blade is silver,

the other blade is infused
with garlic.

- I should check my messages.
- No.

Guys, could we maybe
watch a different movie

or just stop saying that word
six times per minute?

- What word?
- Blade.

Oh, because of
Britta's ex-boyfriend.

Can you check my messages
for me

and tell me if he called?

I don't think
that's a good idea.

What if my mother died?

You guys are really
talking over Blade.

- Not cool!
- Annie, subdue your guest.

Annie, think for one second.

You have my phone,
and you're not even checking it.

What if my mother is dying?

This is junkie talk.

You just wanna know
where your phone's hidden.

I just wanna know
if my mother is dying.

It's a simple yes or no.
I'll cover my eyes.

You go check my phone and say,

"no, your mother isn't dying"
or "yes, your mother is dying,"

and then we go back
to watching the film.

[Sighs]

Give it to me!

That's right, Britta.
It's a banana.

Why is there a banana
in your DVD cabinet?

Read the banana, Britta.

"You are a lying junkie."

I'm sure those words hurt.

But you wouldn't be reading them
if they weren't true.

I am so weak.

But we are not defined
by our limitations.

We are defined
by our potentials.

I have the potential
to watch Blade.

You two are bad friends!
Bad.

That's unfair.
What about you guys?

Okay, you don't like our movie,
we can't say the word "Blade,"

there's phones
in the refrigerator.

Oops.

- Troy, Abed!
- Let me see if he called!

I have a right to know!
You're monsters!

You're Hitlers!
You're racist pedophiles!

You're the opposites of Batman!

You don't know what that means.

Gonna rip out your throats
and eat your--

Still think the lock
was overkill?

[Banging] No.

[Imitating troy] There's
phones in the refrigerator.

[Loud banging] It's you.

[Knocking at front door]

♪ Boys' night! ♪

I need help reacting
to something.

Hi!

Remember it's just a quick icky play.

You tell anyone we did this,

I will stop letting you
do things with me

I'm afraid
to tell anyone about.

Hey, I get it.

You wanna take a look
at Britta's ex-boyfriend.

If you did it by yourself,
you'd be weird.

You're the only one
that really understands me.

Oh, funky.

Ha!

What, are you guys on a date?

Pretty awkward.
Look what Pierce won me.

What is this?

I decided to go outside
the group for a best friend.

And you couldn't do better
than Chang?

You take that back!

He could do plenty
better than me.

I was the first to say yes.

Well, have fun forcing life.

Both: We will.

What do you wanna do next?

- Cotton candy?
- Russian roulette?

- What did you say?
- Cotton candy sounds great.

Oh, thank you.

That's it?
Huh.

Hmm. He's not
as good-looking as you.

- I wasn't fishing for that.
- No, no, no.

I offered it freely.
Come on, I wanna go on a ride.

This is a window for me.

I spent my carnival years
pregnant.

Shirley, I'm not jealous.

I just wanted to see
what the deal was.

Obviously the deal is
he's a dirtball,

Britta hates herself, voila.

What do you wanna do?

I'd like to go on a ride.

Let's go shoot some ducks.

Jeffrey!

Eight of clubs.
I win.

Nice!
[Giggling]

- How are you feeling?
- Good.

Great, actually.
Thank you, Annie.

I could've never done this
without you.

I'm glad to be able
to help you.

I want you to know--

and I've never said
these words--

but I've always felt them.

You're a sister to me.

[Gasps]

Britta!

Whoo!

Hey, little sis,

do you think you could trust me
to have my phone back now?

I've got my email on there,

my calendar,
homework assignments.

I'm kinda screwed without it.

You're not just
manipulating me, right?

Oh, because of...
Oh, jeez.

Yeah, whatever.
That's over, Annie.

Seriously.

Okay, I have it right here.

It's a gateway
to further trust.

Perfect.
Thank you.

Love the gateway.
Honoring the gateway.

I have to call my doctor
for some results.

Don't worry, I'm fine.
It's just a little personal.

You need privacy, sure thing.
I'll check on you later.

Bye.
Thank you, sweetie.

[Screaming on TV]

Boy, this guy doesn't
give vampires

a square inch of leeway.

He's harsh.

What's wrong, Annie?

You came out of the bedroom
smiling,

and then your smile faded
as you leaned against the door.

I gave Britta her phone.

You did?
Why?

She needs to feel trust
to recover, or she'll relapse.

She's gonna relapse
because you gave her her phone.

No, I secretly switched
Blade's number in her phone

to my number.

So if she tries to get
in touch with him,

- it'll come to me.
- That's diabolical.

Yeah,
you're just like Blade, man.

Straight up.

I just hope she can find
the strength to--

[phone buzzing]

She's probably just telling him

she's... dying to feel
the warmth of his...

Are you kidding me?

She said we were sisters.

I am so sad right now.
[Phone buzzing]

And she is so codependent!

And such a bad speller.

[Phone buzzing]

Nice shootin'.
Tough luck.

Thanks.
I'll go another round.

There's room in our bed
for three bears, right, honey?

And then some, sugar.

You're very nice...

For a man named...
What'd you say it was? Blade?

Yup.

But that's a carnival name
though, right?

A nom de corn dog?

Why would I have
a carnival name?

Your parents named you Blade?

Apparently.

Well, you seem okay with it.

Not much to do about it.

Both: You could change it.

To what?
Templeton Ferrari III?

Won't change
how mustard tastes.

I'll be right back.

Huh. Won't change
how mustard tastes.

I get it.
I see the appeal.

He's relaxed, he's cool.

N-not as cool as you.

Mr. Blade.
I want three more rounds.

Jeffrey!

Not gonna change
the way mustard tastes.

Oh, and you're so cool,
Shirley.

Sometimes I am.

[Pierce and Chang chuckling]

How many times
are they gonna do that?

Aw, this is it, isn't it?

We're becoming best friends.

I think so.
I think so.

♪ Would you let me
be your best friend ♪

♪ I would call you every day ♪

[Screaming on TV]

Oh, my God!
One after the other!

"I'm texting to tell you
I'm not texting you any more.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

"Are you mad at me now?

Fine. I guess you don't
wanna know our two-year-old."

Can we please just put it

under a stack of mattresses
or something?

I don't know.
When is she gonna take a hint?

Britta's attracted
to unavailable men.

- Dean, why are you here?
- Ouch.

Fine. Let's make him
available.

- What are you doing?
- Ending this.

"Leave me alone."
All: No!

That's so much worse.

See?
She stopped.

[Phone buzzing]

She's calling him?

She was born in the '80s.

She still uses her phone
as a phone.

- Uh-oh.
- That's fine, it's fine.

- We just won't answer it.
- Won't it go to your voicemail?

Hello? Blade?

[Throaty masculine chuckle]

There you go.

I don't know!

Change your settings
so it doesn't go to voicemail.

Too late.

You guys act like a carnival.
Be a carnival.

[Beep] Now!

- Step right up!
- Ding, ding, ding!

[Oldtimey voice]
Get your popcorn here.

- Hello?
- [Deep voice] Busy, babe.

Blade, just wait.
Wait, Bla...

[Beep]

I told you not to call me
at work!

[Phone buzzing]
"I'm sorry, I forgot.

Don't be mad at me."

She's whipped
by an imaginary douche.

Hey, don't knock it
till you try it.

I got my fake
bachelor's degree,

and then I cheated on the LSAT.

You're probably wondering,
how do you cheat on the LSAT?

How?

A magician never reveals
his secrets, my friend.

Ah.

[Shooting, ducks quacking]

- Yeah! In your face!
- Good job.

Uh, give me the big one!
Yeah, that's the one.

Yeah.

Not too shabby, huh?

Yeah, you really did it, baby.

So you dropped
out of high school

and joined the carnival.

And 15 years later,
here you are.

- Jeffrey!
- Guess that's about it.

So what's the record?

What's the best anyone's
ever done in this booth?

- I guess eight ducks.
- All right, one more round.

One more round.

- Jeff?
- Honey?

Will you excuse us
just for a moment, please?

Certainly.

Can you get over here?

- What is your end game here?
- I don't know.

- I wanna know.
- Wanna know what?

I wanna know what drove Britta
crazy about him.

Are you jealous?
Are you in love with Britta?

No, I am not in love
with Britta.

And yes, I'm insanely
jealous of him.

What's his secret?

Why do you wanna know the
secret to making a woman psycho?

Why do we wanna know
how to blow up the earth

or grow a human ear on a mouse?

In case we have to, Shirley.

In case we have to.

- I'm going to find Pierce.
- Good!

One of those bears is mine!

So this is best friendship.

Something else, isn't it?

How do we keep it going?

How do we know
we won't get into a fight?

I say we just let it happen.

Don't tell me what to do!

- What's your problem?
- What's yours?

I'm outta here!

♪ This is the last time ♪

♪ This is the last time
I'll see you smile ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ My friend ♪

♪ I'll miss you every night ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

Blade, 'sup?
Message.

Okay. We can stop worrying
about voicemail now.

Back to the matter at hand.

Now what are you doing?

- Dean, why are you here?
- Yikes.

I figured it out.
I know exactly what to do.

I'm just gonna be really,
really, really mean to her.

Uh.

What don't you get
about the concept?

Britta likes guys
who are mean to her.

She doesn't like herself.

Give me the phone.

[Phone beeps] What did you say?

Something nice.

Don't worry about it.

I'm deleting it
from your phone.

- Hi.
- What's up?

You guys still watching movies?

Hi, Dean.
Why are you here?

Hi, Britta.
And ouch.

And you don't know anything
about carpentry.

- Nope.
- Or aquariums--

freshwater or saltwater.

- Do you have a big weiner?
- Nope.

I don't get it, Blade!

What's your secret?
Why do I wanna impress you?

Are you dumb or smart?
Are you a loser or winner?

Or are you just a human mirror?

Do we all see
what we wanna see in you?

A magician never reveals,
right?

Right.

Later.

Okay.

You dropped over 300 bucks
on my booth, so I'll tell ya.

You wanna know my secret?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

[Screaming on TV]

Britta and Troy:
What are you doing?

I wanna know.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I was texting with Blade,
but it's over now.

He's... a loser.

Good night.

Uh, uh, uh...
Troy!

You should really join

the air conditioning
repair program.

- No.
- Well, that didn't work.

That's what I get
for improvising.

Good night.

So I don't get it.

He's a vampire, but he can
walk around during the day?

- What... is wrong with you?
- Huh?

You weren't texting Blade,
you were texting us.

I switched Blade's number
in your phone to mine.

- You tricked me?
- You tricked me!

You ask for my help,
you tell me I'm your sister,

I do everything I can
to make you hate this turd,

and the first nice thing
he says, and you're over him?

Who are you?

And why didn't it stick?

I was texting with you guys
this whole time?

So Blade... isn't a loser!
[Gasps]

Uh-oh.

No, let her go.
Lost cause, man.

Jeff!
What are you doing here?

I just got back
from the carnival...

Where I met Blade.

Is he okay?
How is he?

He's brain damaged.

- Well, let's not be petty.
- No, I'm serious.

He showed me the scar.

Ten years ago,
before he even met you,

a loose bolt flew off
a Ferris wheel

and imbedded in his skull,

destroying the part of his brain
that feels shame.

He's basically irresistible
to people for the same reason

he can pretty much only work
at a carnival.

He has nothing to prove
or disprove

about himself or to himself.

He has no shame.

Why wouldn't he
have told me that?

Because he didn't care
if you knew.

That is so like him.

- I have to go to him.
- No, woman.

None of us have to
"go to" anyone.

And the idea we do
is a mental illness

we contracted
from breath mint commercials

and Sandra Bullock.

We can't keep going
to each other

until we learn to go
to ourselves.

Stop making our hatred
of ourselves someone else's job

and just stop hating ourselves.

[Screaming on TV]

[Door opens, closes]

Annie, I want you
to take my phone.

Do not let me call Chang.

I'm locking myself
in your room.

What are you guys
doing out here?

Self-actualizing.

Well, it's loud.

Come watch Blade.

Okay.

This movie is fantastic.

Y'all ever notice
that cold spot in the hallway?

Oh, yeah!

That thing is freezing!

You know what could learn
a lesson from that cold spot?

The air conditioning unit
in my living room.

Ladies and gentlemen,

so yesterday, typical Sunday.

I was hanging out
in my dreamatorium.

Whoo!

This ever happen to you guys?

I couldn't remember
where I imagined the door.

[Troy chuckling]

Then I realized I was in
an actual bathroom.

Uh, no offense,
but this material

seems pretty specific
to your apartment.

I don't think it'll work
at an open mic.

Y'all ever notice
the difference

between me and Troy
brushing our teeth?

I brush my teeth like this.

Troy brushes his teeth
like this.

[Chuckling] I do!

I do! I brush my teeth
just like that.

Now you know what I'm gonna
talk about next.

Troy and Abed:
Toaster oven!

It's from his album.