Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 13 - Digital Exploration of Interior Design - full transcript

Shirley and Pierce recruit Britta to sabotage the new Subway restaurant in the cafeteria. Jeff finds a hate-letter in the school locker he never realized he had. Troy and Abed begin constructing a pillow fort, but thanks to some outside manipulation Troy splits off to build his own blanket fort.

This is a historic day
for Greendale.

This state-of-the-art Subway
sandwichery in our cafetorium

represents Greendale's
first steps forward

into the realm
of the legitimate!


Oh, oh. No problem.
You know what?

I'm just going to get it started
with my teeth.

The legitimate! Oh.
The legitimate!

That should be
my sandwich shop.

It was my idea
to put one there.

- We're here for you, Shirley.
- Yeah.

Troy, Annie, and I know what
it's like to be displaced.

They're tenting our building
for termites, so we're homeless.

I'm staying
in the sleep study lab.

All I have to do is wake up
every three hours and go...

And I get two credits.

Yeah, and we're going to build
a super awesome pillow fort

- here at the school.
- Another pillow fort?

Kind of repeating yourselves,
aren't you?

That was a blanket fort.
This will be a pillow fort.

Way more difficult, way better.

All difficult things are better,
like carrying a disease

- or holding in a fart right now.
- Aha!

I just found out how Shirley and I
are going to take down Subway.

- Oh, how?
- Dean?

I assume you're familiar
with the Greendale bylaws.

- I am not.
- Shirley, you do the honors.

My brain starts getting weird
this time of night.

It's 10:00 a.m.

- You're welcome.
- Uh-oh.

"Any business operating
for profit on Greendale's campus

must be at least 51% owned by
a registered Greendale student"!

That's too bad, Dean.

I don't recall seeing Subway

in my premenopausal,

experiential marketing class.

Actually, I'm on the wait list

- for the premen/postfem/ex mark.
- Who are you?

Gang, meet Greendale's
newest student, Subway.

Your name is Subway?

Yep, using a groundbreaking
but surprisingly legal process

known as "corpohumanization",
real people such as myself

are now allowed to represent
the collective humanity

of business owners.

I have contractually waived
my birth identity

and am now a man and student
named... Subway.

I don't believe this.

Come on, Subway,
there is no way you're 5'10".

So you can vote?

Actually, no, because
technically I'm only a week old.


But please don't think of me

as any less human
than yourselves.

I'm here to hang out,
take weird classes,

and party as hearty
as my morality clause allows.

Eat fresh? Eat fresh?

- Eat fresh.
- That's my man.

Wow, did you know
Greendale students

are technically
in the army reserves?

Let's say a little prayer
for peace.

♪ Give me some rope,
time in a tree ♪

♪ Give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said
we could be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all
just fade away ♪

Annie, you've got to get me
into this sleep lab.

I can't think of a better use
of my time here

than being unconscious.

It's not a blowoff class, Jeff.

We're only allowed to bring
one stuffed animal.

I'm bringing Ruthie...

But using her pouch
to sneaking Nathan.

Well, have fun.

Wait, since when
do we have lockers?

Uh, since
registration day, 2009.

Jeff, did you skip

the Preorientation Freshman
Welcome Seminar

and Diversity Fire Circle?

This explains so much
about you.

Are you saying I've had
a locker here for 21/2 years?

Whoa, whoa.

"Halloween dance."
"Post-Halloween dance."

"Dance contest."

"Contest dance."
Oh, come on.

What's this? "Save Garrett"?
What's wrong with Garrett?

Nothing now.
We saved him.


Wait, that's "saved" Garrett?

Ooh, what's this?
Love letter?

Oh, it's probably one of many.

Oh, no.
This is a hate letter.

Let me see that.

"Dear Jeff,
this might come as a shock

"to someone who thinks
he's God's gift to the world,

"but you're actually
an inconsiderate jerk.


- "Inconsiderate"?
- Who's Kim?

I don't know, and clearly
she doesn't know me.


I didn't sneeze.

Look at these idiots.

Cattle, sheep...

Other animals
that travel in herds.

I want to say snakes.

Am I the only person
enraged by the fact

that corporations
are taking human form?

I totally predicted this in
my High School newspaper column

"Britta unfiltered."

- Unfiltered. I get it.
- Get what?

Actually, maybe Subway taking
human form could be its undoing.

Uh, Britta...

You're a, uh, progressive woman

of a more...
liberated looseness.

You could get close to Subway
and find out some dirt on him.

Corporate espionage.
I like it.

Microphones hidden in lipstick.
Lipstick hidden in microphones.

And the deadliest weapon
of them all...

- The penis flytrap.
- Okay! This conversation is over.

I am not a whore,
and not that I've done the math,

but if I were,
I'd be the super classy kind

that gets flown to Dubai to stay
in an underwater hotel.

- Abed, Troy.
- Ah, don't worry, Dean.

We have all the proper permits
right here.

Oh, silly me!

This is a coupon for 20% off
at bed bath & beyond.

No need to bribe me, Troy.

There's plenty more
where that came from.

Look, I was just googling
record lengths of stuff,

and apparently there's
a guinness world record

for the biggest pillow...
or blanket fort.

So you boys...
you should go for it.

Put this school on the map.

We'd have a better chance
of setting the record

if we made this a blanket fort,
you know, take less time.

We wanted to make
a pillow fort.

I don't want to sacrifice
quality for square footage.

We don't need a world record to
tell us we did something cool.

But if we won,
we might meet that dude

with the curly fingernails.

Shridhar Chillal?
Not interested.

I saw him on a talk show.
He came off as pretentious.

- I'm going to go get a drink.
- Okay.

- Troy Barnes.
- Vice Dean Laybourne.

You have a beard...
And a ponytail.

Going through some stuff
right now, Troy.

Don't worry about it.

Any chance you've given
a second thought to joining

my air conditioning
repair school?


Kind of busy at the moment doing
some awesome work with Abed.

Ah, yeah, Abed.

You guys watch that television
show together, don't you?

Inspector Spacetime.

Funny, Troy.

You and Abed have
always reminded me

of the inspector
and his trusty constable Reggie.


The inspector, of course,
is smart, decisive,

and Reggie is...

Well, he's Reggie.

Reggie is trained
in zero-gravity martial arts

and has a whistle.


But he never really
gets to blow the whistle

unless the inspector
says it's okay.

Less of a friendship,
more of a self-centered nerd

and his naive, obedient lapdog.

Well, I got a thing.

You take care.

Well, according to the office,
this is the locker

of the only Kim I've had
any class with since 2009.

Wonder what you did
to make her so mad.

Maybe the two of you made out,
and then you forgot about her.

Annie, that's what
you think of me?

I don't make out
with forgettable women.

Can I help you?

We're looking for Kim McFadden.

- This is her locker, right?
- Are you serious?

She slipped a note into
my locker a couple years ago.

I guess I pissed her off

- I'm hoping to apologize.
- That might not be easy.

Kim's no longer with us.

- She died two weeks ago.
- What?

Sorry to drop that
on you and run,

but there's a rally
for Garrett.

But we saved him.

Did we?

What do you recommend?

What's it to you, meat pusher?

Sounds like you might be
a vegetarian.

You should try
Subway's Veggie Delite.

You should try reading
Orwell's 1984.

I have.
It's a great book.

It really awakened me
in High School.

I think kids should be forced
to read it.

Me too.
Anyway, you're living it.

You're a human puppet with big
sandwich's hand up your ass.

Is this what you dreamt
of being?

Unfortunately I'm not allowed
to discuss my former life

or engage in any
nonplatonic relations,

practice religion in public,

or eat any nonfresh,
unhealthy food like that

found anywhere outside Subway.

Why are you getting all that?

I wanted to stand next to you
for a moment.

It was worth it.

Like a good book by Orwell
or a Veggie Delite.

Is that you, Subway?

My eyesight ain't
what it used to be.

Eat these tater tots, Harry.

For what it's worth, I think you
might see more than all of us.

Did you see him smiling at you?

Top-notch whoresmanship,

- Pierce.
- Sorry. Whoreswomanship.

Forgot it was the '90s.


Thank you, Britta.

I knew we could count on you
to help us take him down!

Yep, that's me, the girl
who's going to destroy

the big sandwich company
with the dreamy eyes.

We did it, Pierce.

Powerful passage, isn't it?

"She had become
a physical necessity."

You circled this paragraph.

I can't say that I did.

I just think it's a striking
expression of love's ability

to persevere within the cracks
and cogs of inhuman systems.

Who were you, Subway,
before you were Subway?

I can't say.

I have to live
within the rules.

This identity is my life.

If I do this
for three more years,

I can live a real dream.

Well, at least tell me
what that is.

I want to run a nonprofit
shelter for handicapped animals.

Dogs with wheels for hind legs.

- Deaf hamsters.
- One-eyed cats?

Well, they weren't on the top
of my list, but sure.

I should go.

This is getting
out of bounds for me.

Eat fresh.

You should put the small ones
in the middle,

or the wall won't hold
the ceiling.

Why do I always have
to be your Reggie?


I wanted to make
a blanket fort,

and you never even gave it
a second thought.

I'm not even your sidekick.
I'm your underkick.

I never said
you couldn't do anything.

If you want to make a blanket
fort, that's fine with me.

Thank you.

Just don't make it
part of my pillow fort.


I'll start it somewhere else.

Have fun stacking pillows
like a baby.

Jeff, are you okay?

I'm lying on campus furniture,
so no.

Is it about this Kim girl?

She is someone who died
thinking I was a dick.

I can never apologize.

I can never change her mind.

That makes me a dick forever.

You think that's
what an apology is?

A spell you cast on another
person to make them forgive you?

Apologies are opportunities
to admit your own mistakes.

Apologize to her locker.

But how can I apologize if
I don't know what I did wrong?

Well, didn't she call you

Sounds to me like you know
exactly what you did wrong.

- Leonard, what are you doing?
- Abed's fort needs pillows.

But I was going to lie there.

I was going to invest
in IBM in 1952,

but life is full
of disappointments.

Eating fresh, are we?

Have you found any dirt
on Subway yet?

No, nothing. I should
probably hang out with him more.

You know what I think?
I think you're falling for him.

I am not.
Who do you think I am?

I lived in New York.

You never lived anywhere.

You're a weapon
designed for sex.

You only think
you lived in New York

'cause I implanted
your memories.

Oh, Pierce, stop it!
Look what we're becoming.

I'm sorry we pulled you
into this dirty game.

I want you to stop.

Yeah, we're pulling you out...

Right after
your last assignment.

This pen is a microphone.

It's also a miniflask.

Did you just drink ink?

Just plant this on Subway,

and you'll never have
to see him again.

Until then,
keep him interested.

And for God's sakes, slap
some life on those dead lips.

Hello, Abed.
How's the pillow fort going?

It's hard making something
perfect, but it's worth it.

Yeah, I'll remember that
when I'm being given a key

to the secret guinness
record holders' clubhouse,

where I'll be hanging with those
two fat guys on motorcycles

and being fitted
for a beard of bees.

Whoo! Well, Troy, I just got
off the phone with Guinness,

and they are sending
a representative

to have a look-see
at your blanket fort.

- Are we world-record ready?
- Garrett?

We are still more than 2,000
square feet shy of the record.

Abed's pillow fort is the only
thing standing in our way.

Well, what are we going
to do here, guys?

Is there a way
we can connect them?

You can't connect the blanket
fort to the pillow fort

and still call it
a pillow fort.

Even if you could,
I'd rather see

my work destroyed
than compromise it.

Great, Abed will destroy
his pillow fort,

and Troy will expand
his blanket fort into the space.

Everyone wins.

Except Abed, but you know,
not everyone can win.

Is that what you want, Troy?

For me to destroy my pillow fort
so you could set your record?

- It is.
- Magnitude.

Evacuate fort Abed,
and prepare for self-destruct.

- Sir?
- Do it. We're done here.

Pop, pop, Captain.

- Oh!
- Subway.

Britta, I was worried
you wouldn't come.

- I can't stop thinking about you.
- Shh.

They wanted me to plant
a bug on you.

I can't, and I won't.

Our values, our identities...
they mean nothing to me now.

Only the primal remains.

To me, you are simply
a physical necessity.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Oh, Subway.


- Oh, Subway.
- Mmm.

Oh, Subway.

Oh, no, no.

No, this is wrong, Pierce.

I just wanted to open
a sandwich shop.

I did not sign up for this.

You don't want to get
your hands dirty, fine.

I will.

Nice knowing you, Subway.
If that is your real name.


It's me, Jeff.

The inconsiderate jerk.

Look, I don't remember
hurting you,

and I have to assume
that's what hurt you.

God knows what crime
you've committed

to deserve me
disregarding you entirely.

But whatever your crime,
I think we both know

the real crime is mine.

I'm a self-centered,
shallow jackass.

And I just want to...
thank you for your note

because I'm going
to try and change.

I just wish you were here
to forgive me.

I am.

And I do.

I'm Kim.


You said Kim was dead.

Because you never remember
who I am.

First year, we hung out,
like, ten times.

And each time,
you introduced yourself to me.

That's why I wrote that note.

And then today, it's like
you still don't remember me.

And... and you still assume
from my name that I am a girl.

I had no choice but to make up
that awesome story

about a dead chick to hurt you
like you hurt me.

I am so sorry...


Do you know how long I've
waited to hear you say that?

What the hell is this crap?

Annie, this is Kim.

I think because he had
a girl's name,

I never took him seriously.

It happens literally
all the time,

which is insane because 16%
of all people named Kim are men.

- I'm sorry, buddy.
- Don't apologize to this guy.

- You told me to apologize.
- To a dead girl's locker.

I thought I was
representing the sisterhood.

Thought I was
teaching you a lesson

about all the girls
you dominate

and then ignore.

Not to waste your energy
on some weird, cloying,

hypersensitive stalker
with a girl's name.

You are really mean.

Put it in a letter,
Jane Austen.

Prepare to initiate
Protocol Omega.

Good-bye, pillow fort.
You were a beautiful dream.

More than a dream.
It's here.

Who are you?

Someone who understands

to craftsmanship
in the face of mediocrity.

This world is run
by the unremarkables.

Don't do what you always do,

Don't corrupt the host
to pacify the parasites.

Ask yourself...

"What if I stopped worrying
about their acceptance of me?"

What if it fell
to the Reggies of the world

to keep up with the inspectors
or perish?

Now please turn your head
while I crawl away.

I'm going through some stuff
right now.

I'm very insecure.

What's going on?

I'll ask the questions here.

You had sex with Subway,
and I recorded it.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.

You know what, I'm going
to let this one slide.

- What?
- What?

I know we have
very strict rules

against romantic entanglements

with our corpohumanoids,
but at this point in time,

we can't stop them
from having hearts.

These two are clearly in love.

If they want
to express that love

in a perfectly healthy way,
then... okay, hold on.

Th... is this
what I think it is?

That got unhealthy real quick.

That... okay, that's...
yeah, that's weird.

That is well out
of the mainstream.

You know,
I was raised in the...

the Bay Area, but I...
I'm a father now.

Subway cannot stand for that,
and frankly, Rick,

- I-I'm surprised you did.
- My name is Subway.

Not anymore.

- The bread is stale.
- No! No!

- Oh, my God.
- Subway, I love you!

- Britta!
- Shut up.

How could you?

Well, if that'll be all,
I'll be on my way.

If someone could
hand me my jacket.

It's right over there on
the coatrack next to the door.

If somebody could just hand it
to me, that would be great.

I guess I'm confused.

Why don't you just grab it
on your way out the door...

You know what?
Now I'm not leaving.

Now I'm just going
to sit for a while

and focus on how unacceptable
today was.


I wanted to apologize.

I never realized I had my own
issues regarding gender roles,

and it was certainly unfair
of me to take them out on Kim.


Who's Kim?

Corporate America
has destroyed love.

- Again?
- Subway!

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
you were someone else.

Britta, you silly.
It is me, Subway.


I had a great time with you
last night in the pillow fort,

the one exception being
the deviant sex act

you initiated
without my consent.

Eat fresh.


- Whoa!
- Oh, jeez.

There is a situation
developing in the study room.

I would elaborate,
but I am out of breath

because I walked here
very briskly.

Calm down!

Calm! Down!

- What's going on here?
- Abed won't tear down his fort.

I shouldn't have to compromise
my craftsmanship

- to placate mediocrity.
- Mediocrity?

Okay, b...
boys, boys.

The Guinness rep will be here
in two days.

Can we just flip a coin
to decide who has to back down?

- No.
- No.

Well, I'm Dean,
so I'm making the call.

The pillow fort comes down.

- All right, you stay back.
- Watch it, Star-Burns.

My name is Alex!

This is war!

- Back, back.
- Back.

- Go.
- Back, back, back in the fort.

To be continued.

Sir, it appears that
Troy Barnes' blanket fort

may go to war with Abed Nadir's
pillow fort.

Of course.

Soon Troy and Abed
will be torn asunder,

and an unencumbered Troy
will turn to his destiny...

The air conditioning
repair school.

You are a cold-blooded man,


How unfortunate
for Troy and Abed.

See you in band practice.