Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 12 - Contemporary Impressionists - full transcript

- Hi, Pierce. Oh...
- Hi!

Hi, Percival!

- Hi.
- Hey.

Happy New Year, you guys.
Do anything fun over break?

Oh, baby Ben got to be
baby Jesus

in our church's nativity play.

Andre was Joseph, and Jordan
was one of the wise men,

and I was in charge of casting.

I digitized
my entire movie collection.

Goodbye, VHS.

Hello, SelectaVision
CED Videodisc.



I'm very psyched
for the new semester.

Or should I say...
Intro to Human Psyched.

The worst.

For our midterm,
we actually get to diagnose

a fellow student
with something.

Don't you do way too much
of that already?

Accusational opposition
disorder.

Hello.

Whoa.

It appears you've all noticed
that my swagger

has a new swagger.

I'll explain.

Over break, I took the plunge

and started seeing
a new shrink.



What? Hello!

Hello. Anyway,
I talked about my dad,

punched a few pillows.

And she put me on this
amazing anti-anxiety pill.

It's really enhanced
my self-confidence.

I explained that really well.

Jeff, you can't be
on anti-anxiety meds.

What little self-doubt you have
is the only thing

keeping your ego penned in.

You are a textbook narcissist.

I'm an exceptional
narcissist, Britta.

Oh, excuse me.

I didn't kill my wife!

I don't care.

Stop that fugitive!

I was wondering
how long it would take

for things to get back
to normal.

Over break, Abed realized
he could hire

celebrity impersonators
from a service

for his own personal use.

He's been doing it...
a lot.

He's not hurting anybody.

He just likes
reenacting scenes from movies.

It's unquestionably awesome.

I question it.
He spent New Year's

locked in our bathroom with
a bad Tom Hanks from cast away.

Abed was the volleyball?

- Well, that makes sense.
- You guys, focus!

Where's he getting the money
for all this?

Intervention.
Intervention. Intervention.

No! You guys need
to stop intervening.

You seriously have a problem.

- I said I didn't kill my wife!
- I still don't care.

Freeze!

Chang, they're just acting!

- Oh. Sorry.
- What was that?

- Somebody call the cops!
- I've got a friend at the zoo.

♪ Give me some rope,
time in a tree ♪

♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said
we could be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ one by one they all
just fade away ♪

What is this I hear
about a tranquilizer gun?

If you had hit a small student,

they could have died!

I wouldn't do that.

I have a heavy flashlight
for them.

Oh, Ben!

Look, I have to resort
to extreme measures.

I'm a one-man army.

You won't let me have
any guards.

We're broke, Ben!

We now get 80%
of our electricity

from the apartment building
across the street.

Okay...

I don't know who told you
pouting was an option for you,

but all you're making
me feel right now

is hatred of Renee Zellweger.

Look, maybe you can
bring on some students

as security interns.

I'll let you offer them
a credit

in safety or math
or something.

Thank you, sir.

You won't regret this
unless I rise up against you.

I don't know why
I said that. Bye.

Huh! Tah!

Zhou! Zeet! Dah! Toi!

Jeff. Jeff!

I looked it up.
I was right.

Oh, that thing
about Danny Thomas?

I looked it up too.
Weird.

No, those meds you're taking.

Without anxiety to keep
your vanity in check,

you are vulnerable to a syndrome
called hyper-narcissosis.

Okay, look.
This apple is your ego.

Imagine it expanding
to the point of critical mass,

taking over
your whole personality,

making you
an uncontrollable monster.

Britta, how did an apple
make that clear?

Imagine it expanding?

- Use a balloon.
- I was on my way to lunch.

Why are you trying
to take this away from me?

I like having no anxiety.

I'm in harmony with the world.

Looking good, Winger.

Thank you, Leonard,
for that compliment,

and for your service
to this country.

I'm so confident now,
I can pull things off

I never dreamed possible.

Look. Aviators.

Final boarding call,
beefcake airways.

I'm warning you as your friend
to get off of those meds.

And until they're out
of your system,

stay away from
flattering situations...

weddings, soft lighting,
formal wear, gay bars.

And take those off!

Because they make me look good?

That's not relevant.

Ah, welcome back, Jeffrey.
How was your...

Uhh... uhh... unh!

Oh, my God!
Even his shadow!

Look at his shadow!

Security internship available.

Come on, see the world.

Well, you won't see the world,
but come on!

- Hey, Nadir.
- Oh, hey, Vinnie.

Vinnie's the owner
of the doppelgang,

the celebrity impersonator
service I use.

You look familiar.

That's how we all get started
in this racket.

But at a certain point,
if you're smart,

you move up to management
before the gold mine

of resembling French Stewart
runs dry.

- Ah...
- French Stewart...

And speaking of gold mines,

you owe me three grand, pal.

Cool.
Put it on my account.

What do I look like, a sucker?

French Stewart.
But I don't have three grand.

Well, you know what,
you better get it.

Because I'm gonna
tell you something right now...

Holy crap, you'd make
an amazing Seacrest.

Very kind.
Thank you.

You're actually
a lot taller than Seacrest.

You've actually got
a sharper jaw too.

You're actually more handsome
than the guy

that's famous
for being handsome.

Jeff?

You'll be okay.
Just stay humble.

You know what, maybe
there's another option for you.

I've got a big event saturday.

Needs a lot of bodies, huh?

And I see some
high-value faces here.

Got an Oprah.

- Oh!
- And sitting next to her

is a Judy Garland
or an Anne Hathaway.

Add a few extra teeth.

Wow, this is rare.

Both versions
of Michael Jackson.

And you...

- Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.

- What?
- What?

- Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.

- Whatever.
- Whatever.

Look, if you guys work
this gig for me

for six hours,
we'll call it even.

Sounds fun.

Abed, Vinnie, can we have
a minute to talk about this?

Sure. Come on, Vinnie. The guy
who makes the fish sticks

looks just like Quincy Jones.

- Get out.
- Seriously.

Guys, I'm sorry,

but this is where
we have to put our foot down.

Well, she has a point.

Next time it'll be $10,000,
and then $20,000,

and then he'll hit rock bottom

and have no one to turn to
but Jesus.

I say we let this play out.

I'd love to help,

but playing Ryan Seacrest
at a big party

may not be a safe
situation for me.

We could actually hurt Abed

if every time he faces reality,

we dress up and play
make-believe to bail him out.

Shame on you people.

It's not our job
to help Abed grow up.

Abed doesn't need reality.

Abed is a magical,
elf-like man

who makes us all more magical

by being near us.

Pierce, who came over
in the middle of the night

that time you forgot how to
fart?

- Abed.
- Shirley...

Who got you a DVD
of Precious,

based on the novel Push,
by Sapphire,

and a copy of the novel Push
autographed by Sapphire?

Abed.

All we had was dumb reality
before we met that man.

And he's made all of our lives
better than reality.

Now it becomes
a little inconvenient,

and it's time to get real?

For shame!

He's right.
Sorry, Troy.

Hey, guys.

Abed, we would be happy
to help you out.

It'll be a good time.

- Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
- Cool.

- Oprah.
- Oh, thank you.

- See ya, Vin.
- Fat Brando.

- Burt Reynolds.
- Yeah.

Thanks for being flexible.
This'll be fun.

Fun. Yeah, sure.
But here's the deal.

Um, if you guys mess this up,

then his debt is overdue.

And I don't send another bill.

No, I send two guys
that look a lot

like Ving Rhames
and Michael Chiklis.

And they do
a very convincing impression

of breaking your friend's legs.

Their secret is...
They actually break them.

All right, impersonators,

our guest of honor
is one Howie Schwartz,

who,
according to the Talmud,

just became a man.
But I have to say,

I wouldn't want him
next to me in a foxhole.

- Ha!
- Ground rules...

Do stay in your
assigned quadrants

quoting lines from movies
you are positive

that your impersonatee was in.

Do not leave your quadrant,

burp, fart, cough,
hiccup, or cuss.

The obvious exception
being James,

our resident Walter Matthau.

How you doing, Jimmy?

Aw, you give 'em hell.
All right, let's go.

- All my life I has to fight.
- Ready to tangle.

Handsome Seacrest,
I need you in this tux.

Jeff, do not wear that.

Aw, zip it, white Jacko.

Don't worry, that thing
in the cafeteria freaked me out,

so I talked to my shrink,
and she doubled my dosage.

What?
Jeff, that's insane!

I thought so too, but after
I took that extra pill,

it seemed like a great idea.

- Jeff, put it on. Go.
- No, Jeff!

Britta, stop arguing.

If you have anything else
to say,

say it in a high-pitched voice
while walking backwards.

Jeff is in grave danger.

Hee-hee!

Uh, may I help you?

I'm one of the impersonators.

- Which one?
- Do I have to say it?

Burt Reynolds.

Uh, yeah, I don't believe
anybody hired you

to impersonate Burt Reynolds.

- Why not?
- Do I have to say it?

- May I help you?
- I'm Brando.

Hmm...

Could be under "fat."

Ah. Oh.

Totally.

Go on in.

Bam.

Abed, get back to your station.

I can't right now,
I'm talking to Geena Davis.

Abed, we have to do this right

or Vinnie won't clear
your debt.

Troy, who cares about money?

Look around.
This is why we're alive.

Ooh, fake Lorenzo Lamas.
Let's go.

I was so sad to hear
of your passing.

Me too.

Sergeant Chang,
what are you doing here?

Hey, Annie.
Just one of the perks

when your brother's a rabbi.

He throws me some
private security gigs

at the events he officiates.

They can get really intense
sometimes.

Can you believe some jerk
brought a scalpel to a bris?

Now smile.

Why is he out of his quadrant?

I'm Lorenzo Lamas.

- He's reenacting a movie.
- Please.

What movie were
Jamie Lee Curtis

and Lorenzo Lamas in together?

See, now I'm just
embarrassed for you

because you've never seen
Lorenzo's Oil.

Lorenzo is an oil tycoon that
gets his address book switched

with Jamie Lee Curtis',

and they give each other
piggyback rides.

I can't believe...
did you go to college?

Yes. No.

Whatever. Keep working.

♪

Oh, my God.
You are gorgeous!

Would you look at this one.

He's like a Robert Redford.

No, no, more like a taller,
hotter Ryan Seacrest.

It's amazing,
you're actually more handsome

than the guy who's famous
for being handsome.

Skull Cracker 2000.
Top of the line.

- Who wants to hold it?
- Me!

- That's so cool.
- Awesome.

Dude, this is so sick.
Check this out.

Any of you fine young men
interested in a college credit?

- Sure!
- Right!

Look, man,
if you have a request,

not a real DJ, okay.
These are just props.

You look like a friend of mine.

You're friends with Moby?

♪

- Jeff!
- Oh!

I haven't been dipped like that

since my last divorce.

Britta, you were right.

I can feel my ego taking over.
Do something!

Okay, listen to me.

You are not that big of a deal.
Do you understand?

You have bad posture.

When you do to many push-ups,
it looks like you have boobs.

The tile in your bathroom
is tacky.

You were emotionally
closed off in bed

to the point where
one time, I didn't come up

because I couldn't find
close enough parking.

You have an unusually high
butt crack.

Thank you.

It couldn't have been easy
for you to lie like that.

We are getting you out of here.

Get back to your quadrant.
Now!

Britta!

Honey, you were the highlight
of the evening.

If it were up to me,
you'd win every single award.

There's awards?

Ladies and non-gentlemen,

welcome to Howie Schwartz's
Star Mitzvah Awards.

Here to present the first award

are fake Morgan Freeman
and fake Bono.

You know, fake Bono,
algebra can be tough.

It sure can,
fake Morgan Freeman.

And that's why
it's so important

to reward those
to whom it comes so easily.

The winner for
best math student is...

Howie Schwartz.

Wow, these things are heavy.

The award for cleanest room
goes to Howie Schwartz.

Coolest skateboard trick,
Howie Schwartz!

♪
Howie Schwartz!

If you ask me, I think
you're gonna win the award

for most handsome young man.

Nah. Oh, give me a break.
It's his Bar Mitzvah.

Jeff, I think
that we should go.

There's an award
for most handsome young man!

Hello, everyone.
It is my honor and privilege

as fake Oprah Winfrey to present
the night's final award...

most handsome young man.

Aww...

And the winner is...

Howie Schwartz!

Nooo!

Aah!

Look at me!
Look at meee!

No, Jeffrey!
Jeffrey... oh!

Oh!

Oh, God, no!

- What the hell?
- You wanted it!

You all want it!

Aahhh-ha-ha-ha!

Aaahh!

- Rargh!
- Aah!

- Grr!
- Ow!

Ah!

Unh! Grr!
Ha!

I love you, dad!
I knew you'd invite the Hulk!

You're lucky.
And your friend's debt is paid.

Hey, Jimmy, wait up.

Boogie Nights.

You're fat Burt Reynolds,
right?

I'll take it.

Abed, your leg!
What'd they do?

Tell me who they looked like!

Doc, doc! Who's there?

It's your femur bone.
He needs some money. He's broke.

Ha ha ha. Hey.

Laughter's the best medicine.

What are...
what are you doing?

I'm challenging your entire
medical establishment, sir.

Not you.

So we just spent our whole night
paying off your debt,

and you're blowing money
on a Patch Adams?

It's two for one.
We're doing Popeye next.

Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga.

Get him some spinach.

I'm Olive Oyl.

Get out!

Are you mad at me?

- No.
- Cool.

I was gonna go
in the Dreamatorium

and play
Inspector Spacetime.

Have fun.

- Abed.
- Yeah?

Come here.

I am mad at you.

You said you weren't.
We never lie.

- I know.
- We made a deal.

October 15, 2009.
Friends don't lie to each other.

I know! I lied.

Because you don't like people
who tell you what to do,

and I don't want to be
one of those people.

- Then don't be.
- I have to be.

You have to stop renting
celebrity impersonators.

Vinnie was gonna break
both of your legs.

I had to work really hard
to help you.

But that's what you wanted
to do.

Yes.

But I can't do
what I want to do?

I guess not.
Not all the time.

Sometimes you're just
gonna have to trust

- that I know better about stuff.
- I don't know if I can do that.

Then I guess
you're gonna have to trust

that you're gonna have
to trust me.

Well, I don't want to stop
being your friend, so...

I guess I'll let you
tell me what to do sometimes.

Still best friends?

Yeah.

Still best friends.
Always.

Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.

You still gonna go
to the Dreamatorium?

Oh, yeah, but I think I'm
gonna play by myself right now,

if that's okay.

Cool. Okay.

Cool.

Seacrest Hulk,
you're the greatest!

Whoo!
You rock, Seacrest Hulk!

I love you, Seacrest Hulk!

You know, Seacrest Hulk,
you're a meshugeneh.

You okay?

No.
I ruined a Bar Mitzvah.

I'm a bad person.

What you're feeling
is called shame.

It means you're getting better.

You're gonna be safe again
once those pills wear off.

Um, I was thinking...

You know that person that you
study for your psych class?

Maybe that should be me.

Uh-uh. No way.

You are way out of my league,
diagnostically speaking.

I'm gonna go with someone
a little less complicated.

Like Abed.

Hi, Abed.

- Hi.
- Where's Troy?

In the other room.

That's okay.
There are many advantages

of traveling by yourself.

You can drive faster,
change direction.

And the only pee breaks
are yours.

- Are you real?
- Are you?

This is really crazy.

And inaccessible,
and maybe too dark.

Maybe to them,
but not to us.

Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.

Hot.
Hot, hot, hot.

Gentlemen...

Who's ready to chang
the world?

Chang! Chang! Chang!

Chang! Chang! Chang!
Chang! Chang!

All hail Chang!