Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 11 - Urban Matrimony and the Sandwich Arts - full transcript

Andre proposes that he and Shirley remarry and a wedding date is set. Britta and Annie get busy planning the wedding and Jeff prepares to give a wedding speech - while Troy and Abed get ready to be "normal" for the occasion. Meanwhile, Pierce and Shirley pitch a sandwich shop idea to Dean Pelton for the Greendale cafeteria.



Hot 'n' brown's coffee
really wakes me up

to the fact
that its coffee sucks.

I miss having a coffee shop.

Now where am I going
to get my cappuccinos

and Sarah McLachlan CDs?

It wasn't that great.
If had this space,

I would have served fresh fruit
and sandwiches,

and I would've got rid

of that take-a-penny,
leave-a-penny nonsense.

If the good lord wanted you
to have a penny,

- you'd have one.
- Pierce...

Why do you look
like a wealthy murderer?

I look like an entrepreneur.

Now that my dad's gone, I'm
expanding Hawthorne industries

by investing in new products.

- Like... these.
- What's that?

It's an automatic
security camera

that can tell your friends
from intruders.

How does it work?

Your guests have arrived.

Threat level four.

Your guests have arrived.

It's not calibrated.

Wireless racism.
The future of the past is now.

Why don't you put your money
into a good idea, like Shirley?

Oh, I made that offer
the first day I met her.

She almost broke my nose.

I mean, Shirley's good
with food,

you have capital,
and Greendale has real estate.

What are you talking about,

I'm talking about
the whole reason you came here...

- To start a business.
- Hmm.

What do you think, Shirley?

Should I have my people
call your people?

I mean, not your people.

I could think about it.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

is Shirley Bennett
in the house?

♪ Bop

♪ motownphilly back again

the year was 1991.

♪ Ah-ooh...

Andre, what are you doing here?


♪ Boys II men, going on

♪ not too hard...

Spring fling dance.

See, that's where I first
laid eyes on Shirley Edwards.

A vision in hyper color
and hammer pants.

Baby girl, I have loved you ever
since there was a Soviet union

- and only one Damon Wayans.
- Oh.

Baby, I know
I've made mistakes,

but I'm so happy
we've made it through.

But there's one thing,

something important,
that we keep putting off.


Will you, Shirley Bennett,

marry me, Andre Bennett, again?

Yes, yes, again!

Shall I notify authorities?

♪ Give me some rope,
time in a tree ♪

♪ Give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said
we could be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all
just fade away ♪

It's cool that Andre and Shirley
are getting married again.

There's a whole generation of viewers
that didn't get to see the original.

Let's hope it's more of
a bale than a Kilmer situation.

Second weddings are okay,
I guess.

If I had to rank 'em, uh...

It would go
fourth, seventh, second,

fifth, first, third, sixth.

- No, wait... first then fifth.
- Got it...

Fourth, seventh, second, first,
fifth, third, sixth.

When's our culture gonna
outgrow this wedding thing?

You're anti-wedding, now?

No, she's just pro-anti.

No to everything you both said.

Weddings are like little girls'
tea parties,

except the women
are the stuffed animals,

the men are making them talk,

and they're not drinking tea,

they're drinking
antiquated gender roles.

Somebody tell Britta
what an analogy is.

I know what it is.

It's like a thought
with another thought's hat on.


Look, I can't get behind
this marriage thing, either.

It was invented back

when "till death"
meant "till your first cold."

I mean, life's too long
to spend it with someone else.

- It's a sucker's game.
- It's a mutual cop out.

I mean, just nut up
and die alone.

- Mmm.
- Hello.

Oh, my God, we're so happy
for you!

- You are glowing.
- I know, isn't it exciting?

The rehearsal is in two days,

and the wedding
is the day after that,

on our anniversary.

And I'm sure you all
can make it,

because you're already here.

You're having your wedding
in the study room?

Our church has certain policies

regarding things
like second weddings,

and tight jeans and...

Calico cats.

Um, Jeff, I was wondering
if you would do us the honor

of giving a toast
at our wedding?

Good idea!

Jeff has a lot of thoughts
about marriage.

I would be honored.

Shirley, do you need
any help with your wedding?

This probably sounds silly,

but every time I see
a wedding idea I like,

I put it in a little scrapbook.

Oh, that's nice.

We can help too.
We just saw

the inspector spacetime
wedding episode,

so we know what pitfalls
to avoid.

Be sure to get a DNA reading
of your prospective mate.

Inspector spacetime ended up
marrying himself as a baby.

I think I got this.

Everyone just come and...

Relax and behave normally.

That's the noise people make
when they're offended

in all the movies
that Annie rents.

We'll try not to embarrass you

at your community college
library wedding.

- Thank you.
- Oh, Shirley,

I managed to set up a meeting
with the Dean,

so we can pitch him
our sandwich shop idea.

I've already registered
a website...

It's, uh, h-t-t-p, colon,
forward slash, forward slash,

w-w-w, period,
members, period,

webplicity custom sites...
All one word... period,

- c-o...
- Oh, I don't know, Pierce.

I'm way too busy for that now
with the wedding and everything.

Bye-bye, everybody.

- I have to practice my walk.
- Ooh.


Another business venture
down the toilet.

No problem,
I've still got plan "C."

Ladies and gentlemen,
the trouser bench.

For the man on the go
who makes frequent stops.

Will somebody please call
all the ambulances?

I can't believe Shirley.

We should show up
at this wedding

and be the most normal people
in the world.

Yeah, I could go as normal man

and you could be
my trusty sidekick ordinario.

That's already weird.

We'd be playing into her hand.

We should just show up
wearing boring gray suits

with gray ties and gray shirts.

We could dye our hair gray.

And then we could lay down on
the sidewalk and be invisible.

You know,
maybe Shirley's got a point.

I have an idea.

What if we purged all
the weirdness from our systems?

- You mean...
- A full 24-hour weird-down

in the dreamatorium.

Just you, me, and our
imaginations... no restraints.

By the wedding, our temptation
to act weird will be gone.

I'm feeling more normal already.

- Crab walk home?
- Yeah.

Shirley, my ninth-grade
English teacher used to say,

"there will always be a reason
not to follow your dreams."

At the time, he meant
I was under the age of consent.

But his words still apply.

Are you sure your wedding
is the reason you're bailing

- on this business with Pierce?
- Uh, in the words

of my ninth-grade
English teacher,

"you are dippin' and dappin' and
don't know what's happenin'."

Fine, we both went
to public school.

It's just that
I don't want to see you slide

- into your old comfort zone.
- You don't know that.

I am gonna start a business...

I can't help it if I have
floral arrangements to pick

and a DJ to hire...

if that really is your excuse,

I will plan
your wedding for you!

Thank you.

Oh, my good God.
Thank you for that.

I was serious.

Britta, you're not
planning my wedding.

- What if Annie helps?
- Oh, hey, guys.

Did someone say "Annie",
"help," "wedding,"

and something
about maybe hydrangeas?

you can lie to yourself,

but you can't lie to me.

Do not use your second wedding
as an excuse to limit yourself.

Pierce, come here.

Shirley, do you take this man
to be your business partner?

- Mmm, I guess.
- Sure.

I had to shelve
the trouser bench anyway.

There are still some parts
of the prototype

that need to be extracted.

Maybe you're misunderstanding?

I mean, from my butt.

Excuse me.

Meet Shirley,

she's modern, she's urban,
she's fun, and she's hungry.

You probably notice she's black,
but not a stereotype...

- Suburban black.
- Is she suburban or urban?

She's half-urban.

Let's say...
Writer's secret, bad pitch...

Her father's a record producer,
her mother's a Shirelle.

We're supposed to be
preparing a business pitch.

What about revenue projections?
What are the margins gonna be?

Shirley, Shirley, Shirley,

Shirley, Shirley,
Shirley, Shirley.

Sweet, innocent Shirley.

- What was the question?
- Look,

this was Britta's stupid idea.

I'd rather be with my man,
planning my wedding,

and you'd clearly rather be
with Halle Berry in 1999.

Pleasure not doing business
with you.

Hawthorne wipes fired me.

They were just waiting for my
dad to be out of the picture.

I'm not an entrepreneur.

I'm just a kid
with a bunch of money, I...

Please, please,
help me be somebody.

Let me invest in you.

First thing we need
to figure out is our overhead.

Do you have a pen?



These pockets.

Do you know someone
that can buy a pen?


Well, have you thought
about the color story

for your wedding?

He means
the theme of the wedding.

- Right, Dale?
- Mm-hmm.

Same theme as every wedding...

Conformity, blind participation,
and patriarchal...

- What about pink?
- We don't call it pink.

We don't call anything
by its name.

That's, like,
day-one floral school stuff.

This is citrine.
This is opalescent.

This is sea glass, cameo,
and cerulean.

Come on, how difficult is this?

You do one of these,
one of these,

one of these, this one,

this one and, like,
stick a ribbon on it. Happy?

Britta, that's a really
beautiful arrangement.

Color me lavender.

"Lavender" means "impressed."

Yeah, well, great...
Flowers look good in a pot.

There are people dying
in Uganda.

Got it.



- Ahh, ahh, ahh.
- Don't eat my skin!

I am shaving everything!

- Well, that should do it.
- Yeah.

My God, isn't tonight
Shirley's wedding rehearsal?

Look at how we're dressed.

Yes, this simply won't do.

Let's change
into something appropriate

for the occasion
and be on our way.

I agree.

Troy and Abed being normal.


I need your help.

Um, you're, like,
sentimental and stuff.


I'm really having trouble
coming up with a toast.

I find that hard
to believe, Jeff.

You once convinced Troy

that turtlenecks
were made of turtles' necks.

It's true, my superpower is
that I can assume any position

that suits my purpose.
In that example...

Keeping turtlenecks as an option
for myself, down the road.

But I do have a kryptonite.

It's so obvious to me
that marriage is dumb,

I can't even pretend
to get behind it.

You know what I think
would make the perfect toast?

You, as Shirley's friend
and a good guy,

just saying what's really
in your heart.

There's something real
in there.

Maybe that's what scares you.

I could use a drink.

Shirley's sandwiches
can offer students

more food for less money,
and provide the campus

with a higher percentage
of the profits.

Pierce, put up the next slide.

That's me!

Where'd I get all that money
I'm holding?

I'm gonna tell you
the three reasons

that Shirley's sandwiches
and your cafeteria are going

to be successful.

Well, then
I'm writing this down, hmm?


Here's a pen.

Thank you.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh

- ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh...
- Holy crap!

Britta, you're really good
at this.

- I know.
- What's wrong with you?

This may shock you, Annie,
but I come from a long line

- of wives and mothers.
- Many do.

But I ran away from it
my whole life.

I refused to give Santa
a Christmas list,

because I didn't want to depend
on any man for anything.

And now, look at me!

I'm Betty Crocker.
I'm Martha Stewart.

I'm one of
the Steppenwolf wives.

Ohh, God.

I'm gonna make some man
very happy someday.

Ooh. Easy.
Slow down.

What's with you guys?

We de-whimsified ourselves.

Yep. We're normal now.

Oh. Good?

Hey, anybody seen Shirley?

What? Shirley's late to
the rehearsal for her wedding?

Oh, my.

Hey, man. You don't have
to be sarcastic.

I'm not being sarcastic.

We're heavily invested
in your situation.

Nothing's more important to us

than your second wedding's
rehearsal going smoothly.

Walk away, man.

Did you think of a toast?

Well, yeah.

Uh, I had a drink,

and I looked in my heart,

and here's what I got so far...

"Webster's dictionary defines..."

Gah! Stop!

"Webster's dictionary defines"?

That's the Jim Belushi
of speech openings...

It accomplishes nothing,
but everyone keeps using it

- and nobody understands why.
- Yeah, well, it's all I got.

That took me eight hours
and six macallan neatses.

Look, I'm sorry, I just
don't believe in marriage.

I do.
It's inevitable.

And then I'd put a counter
across here and the ovens there.

Okay, okay.

And how fiscal will
the quarterly earnings be?

Well, initially, the fiscal...

Wait, that question makes
no sense.

Ah! I know.

I just want to sound
as good at business as you are.

I probably shouldn't say this,

but I cannot believe you learned
all this at Greendale.

- You're very professional.
- I am, aren't I?

I brought sodas,
so we can toast to our futures.

Look at me now, dad.

Oh, my God,

I'm supposed to be
looking like a bride

for my wedding rehearsal
to the dad of my children.

That was...

And odd dot to connect.

Give me another.


What's with you?

This is who I am.

Andre, sorry I'm late.

I have wonderful news.

- Where were you?
- Uh, getting wonderful news.

The Dean loved our pitch and...

Your pitch?

Woman, I've been waiting for you
for two hours.

Oh, no.
Has it been that long?

I'm so sorry.

Don't you dare
use your sexy voice on me.


It's just a rehearsal.

Lord knows
we've done it before.

That's not the point.

Shirley, I thought
this wedding was supposed

to be the start of us
getting back to normal.

- Back to normal?
- Yes.

I need to not be
Mr. Mom anymore.

Okay, I got to get back
to my stereo business.

You know my store's
been struggling.

I'm sorry, Andre,

but "normal" went out the door
the day you did.

Well, if we can't get back
to the way things were,

why the hell are we
getting remarried?


These shrimp are to die for.

Yah, yah, yah!

Yah, yah, yah!

Walk the plank.

I think you've mistaken us
for pirates.

We are
community college students.

Abed, I just had
an odd thought.

What if once you go
from being weird to normal,

you can never go back
to being weird again?

That is an odd thought.

Well, let's hope it's the last.

Cheers to that,
my everyday friend.

Hello, everyone.

Shirley asked me to say
something nice at her wedding.

- This is the rehearsal.
- Shut up, Leonard!

Those teenage girls you play
ping-pong with are doing it ironically.


I searched my heart...

For something nice to say
at a wedding.

And I found nothing,
so I had a drink.

And then I looked real hard.

And you know what I found?

My daddy said he would stay
with my mommy forever,

and he left!

Marriage is a lie!
Nobody commits to this!

Nobody stays with anybody

so why do we keep lying?

I'm gonna stay
with somebody forever.

It's in my stupid DNA.

I was born to be a wife and
that's all I'm ever gonna be!

You expect anyone here
to believe that?

I don't care if anybody
believes it, jackass!

- It's a fact!
- Prove it, ding dong!

There are a lot of layers
to this.

It's almost too conceptual
to follow, but...

I love it.

So that's what this
was all about, Andre?

Just about wanting me back
in the kitchen?

I thought you loved
being a wife and a mother.

Of course, but can't you see

that's not all
I'm about anymore.

Hi, sorry,
don't want to interrupt.

But you are cordially invited
to prevent a disaster.

I promise to put your dreams
before mine.

I promise to bottle up
my repulsion

at the sight of your hair
in the drain.

I promise to earn no more than
70% of what you would make

at the same job.

- What about babies?
- What about 'em?

- How many?
- Pick a number, dick!

Like, it's up to me!

What in God's name
are you two doing?

Getting married.

What does it look like
we're doing?

You two are damn fools.
Oh, sorry.

- I'll allow it.
- I am a fool.

I was a fool to think I wasn't
destined for a life of this.

I mean, look around.

Can you even imagine what kind
of wedding I could throw

if I actually gave a crap?

- No offense.
- Knock it off.

Being good at weddings doesn't
make you good at marriage.


People can make all sorts
of promises,

but they never stick it out.

It's not something you
just stick out, man, all right?

It's a risk
that you take together.

And you don't
just promise it once.

You got to promise it
every day.

Yes, but the person you're
making promises to

is going to change.
You have to accept that.

I do.
But do you promise to be patient

when that person's stereo
business takes a little while

- to get off the ground.
- I do, but...

Do you accept that ten years
is more than a little while

and that iPods
aren't going away,

and maybe it's time to let
somebody else take the lead?

I do.

You do?

Yes, baby, I swear I do.

Then I promise I will do
whatever it takes

to make this work forever.


Well, in that case,
let's rehearse this bad boy.

- Mm-hmm.
- Actually,

you pretty much just married
each other.

If you let me pronounce you
man and wife,

you can kiss the bride

and you can save like, um,
70 bucks.

- What do you say, baby?
- Mmm.


Done and done.
Husband and wife.

Now how about it?

Let's party!



Abed! Abed!

We're weird.
We need to be weird.

You want to see something
weird? Check out this dance.

Uh, what did you call this?
The "Lindbergh lean"?

What'll they think of next?

Inspector spacetime...

Ohh, thank the cosmic engineer
I found you.

Troy, this is hardly the time.

Or is it hardly the space?

Okay, I see what you did there.

But now I have to get back
to my Lindbergh lean

with, uh... I'm sorry,
I didn't catch your name.

What sort of creature

would do a dance
called the Lindbergh lean?

- Blorgons?
- Blorgons.

My name's Danielle.

Constable Reggie, it appears
the Blorgons have developed

- the ability to take human form.
- Weirdos.

Your photonic bowler hat.


Blorgon patrol.

Shirley, I have some
good news and bad news.

The good news is the board loved
your sandwich shop idea.

The bad news
is that they made a few calls

and sold the space to subway,
the sandwich place.

What? Pierce and I put
a lot of work into that idea.

- How could you do this, Dean?
- I'm sorry!

The board went over my head
on this one.

And I don't remember being
invited to your wedding,

so I guess we're even
on the hurting-each-other front.

I'm a blast at weddings.

There go all my dreams.

This is just a setback.

You don't have to give up
just because of subway.

Guess I better go break
the news to Pierce.

He's not gonna like this.

Remember that
temper tantrum he threw

when Adam Sandier "stole"
his idea for Jack and Jill?

You're underestimating him.

I think Pierce
is a lot more mature

than we all give him
credit for.

Look at me now, dad!
How's it taste?

How many sandwich places
did you have?