Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 23 - A Fistful of Paintballs - full transcript

In a "spaghetti western" parody, Pierce tries to get revenge on the rest of the study group during this year's paintball tournament.

- I see you, chubby ass!
- Oh!

- I ain't chasing, chubby.
- No, no, no!

- Chubby-chaser.
- No!

You can't outrun me.
I see you, fat-ass!


Please, okay?
I don't even have a gun.

Isn't this against the rules?

There's only one rule,
Fat Neil.

The prize goes
to the last man standing.

So to speak.


If you were a dude,
I'd have my fist up your balls.

Thank you, Annie.

Kick their guns to me.

Kick--don't reach.


Christina "Reach-y",

I said kick.

Annie, take it easy.

You gotta learn
to trust people.

Can't you leave me
with a little something?

We're friends, Annie.


We played Dungeons & Dragons together.

That was a game.

This is paintball.

a couple of announcements.

I want to thank Pistol Patty's
Cowboy Creamery

for sponsoring
our end-of-the-year picnic.


Free ice cream and that one guy

having a heart attack

aren't the only surprises today.

We're gonna end this year
with a quick game

of Paintball Assassin.


Last year's big mistake

was way too valuable a prize.

And I've been assured--


That this year
will be different.

So take it away, Pistol Patty!

Howdy, folks.

There's only one rule.

Last man standing
gets the prize.

There's your guns.

And here's the prize.

$100,000 cash.

Go nuts!

I heard a rumor you never
shoot an unarmed man.

Whoever started that rumor
didn't eat my beans.

Then I guess it's lucky for me
I'm not unarmed.

Seeing as I'm...

Eating your beans.

Jeff wants to see you.

And I want pants.

A lot of people
want a lot of things.

It won't hurt
to hear him out, will it?

We got a good hiding spot
in the library.

As safe as you are here,
you'll be safer with us.


Math club's gotten a lot
better since last year.

Obviously, they were practicing

while the rest of us
went on dates.

Hold on.
I have a plan.

Math club!


I'm Asian.

You guys Asian?

That's pretty racist, man.

That wasn't a no.

I'm coming over!

Don't shoot me, shoot him.

He's white,
and he's out of ammo.


Shoot Chang!

He defected to the math club.

- Math club!
- Agh.

Forget it.

Just a waste of ammo.

Let's go grab their paint.

Yeah, I'm much safer
with you guys.


What do you want, Jeff?

Well, what do we all want?


How much you got left?

$100,000 worth.

Yeah, we're running low, too.

- Shut up, Abed.
- Okay.

What have you heard
about Pierce?

I hear he's still alive,

holed up near the cafeteria.

Well, I hear he has more paint

than a French kindergarten.

Are you proposing we join him?

I'm proposing
his ammo joins us.

You haven't changed.

You think Pierce has?

Annie, let's not rehash this.

The guy's been a jerk all year.

He's a jerk
because we exclude him.

We exclude him
because he's a jerk.

And the last time I checked,
you were the last one

feeling sorry about it.

I guess I'm still waiting
for you guys to come around.


Okay, I'm--
I am dead now.

I'm dead.

Who wears spurs in paintball?

Who the hell are you?

The guy that's gonna win.

Come on!

Does that guy
even go to this school?

He's really good-looking.

Like, network TV good-looking.

And did you see how big
his guns were?

Why don't you just
marry him, Abed?

I'm just saying
paintball is tough this year.

I agree.

Careful, Britta.

You can't hit all three of us.

She won't have to.

- Hey, Troy.
- Abed!

- I thought you were dead.
- I thought you were dead.

- Guys.
- Oh, right.

By the power invested
in us as deputies,

we now pronounce you arrested.

Deputies? What are you,
Deputies of the Stairwell?

Fort Hawthorne.

There's a bounty
on your head, my friend.



My forehead's
not that big, right?

- Mm.
- It's not small.

So you guys let Pierce boss you around

in exchange for paint pellets?

Actually, Jeff,
he's been pretty decent

in this game so far.

He's created a safe zone

where people can rest, eat,
and if necessary,

pump their breast milk.

Wow, that sounds
very nice of him.

Beats standing around
with empty guns,

waiting to get picked off
by the Black Rider.

Are you talking
about the handsome blond cowboy

with the big guns?

Is that guy a student?

Who--who is he?

We just call him
the Black Rider.

Okay, but he's not really
riding anything.

Look, I don't name people,

I'm a deputy.

I deputize.

You have to surrender
your guns.

Oh, and your drugs.


My study group.

How long has it been?

- Five hours.
- Too long.

Welcome to Fort Hawthorne.

How is this even possible?

It began with a dream, Annie.

A dream and an impulse to hide
in the men's room.

I found that people
were willing to roll bullets

under the door,

just for the right
to take a dump.

By the way, for you guys,

taking a dump's on the house.

Or if you prefer,
relax and catch a show.

This is insane.

Don't worry, Jeff.

I've also got someone
more your speed.

Because you're gay.

All right,
I think I've seen enough,

and I'd like my gun back now.

Only Hawthorne personnel

can carry weapons
inside, Jeffrey.

All right,
you got us here unarmed,

at your mercy.

What do you want?

We'll discuss over dinner.

You're famished.

Tonight, we feast.

Ah, the twinkies
are wonderful tonight.

Give us some space, Miguel.

What if I told you guys
I know where to find

enough ammo to end
this cowardly hiding out

and split the prize seven ways?

So send your goons to get it.

Ah, they'd never bring it back.

We trust each other.
We're a study group.

That's pretty warm
and fuzzy talk

coming from you, Pierce.

Mm-hmm, you've kind of acted
like a villain this year.

- I have?
- Well--

- A little bit.
- You guys.

Pierce is reaching out.

I'm not risking my butt
hauling ammo back

for the guy that has Vicky
dancing for twinkies.

She's a dance major, Jeff.

And she loves twinkies.

And if you ever took the time
to get to know her--


Uh, summer starts tomorrow.

For you guys,
it means pool parties,

one-night stands.

For me...

It means counting down the days
'til next fall.

Before we go,
let me do this for you.

Let me bring us victory.


Let's do it.

To the study group.

To the study group.


More juice, Miguel.

I hope we find this cache
of ammunition soon.

I need to pump.

Me, too.

You talkin' about peeing,

- No.
- Me, neither.

Okay, about Pierce.

I feel bad.

I shouldn't put
so much effort into--

It's okay.
I just think--

The study group
is my family, you know?

And if we start
picking and choosing--

Where do we stop?

I get it.

You're a good kid.

And I wanna do my part
to help you stay that way.

Benjamin Chang,

for your betrayal
of the Cheerleaders' Alliance,

I sentence you
to pretendsies death.


You don't have to do this.

I betrayed the math club
for you.

- Ready...
- Heather!

I'm sorry I told Trish
about Amber!

- Aim...
- Fire.

- Holy crap.
- Not cool, bitch.

Yeah, so you told me
at last year's tryouts.

Leave the guns.


Who's there?

Can I join you?

- No!
- Okay.

Damn it, I'm out.
Gimme your gun.

All right, be careful.

Cheerleaders rule!

I'll take that.

Who are you?

I'm the bad guy.

Stop trying to fluster me
with your handsomeness.

You're creepy.

Then why is your chest
getting all flushed?

It's a rash.

I'm allergic to beans.

Look, do you even go
to school here?

Sorry, I get paid
to shoot paintballs, honey.

Not the breeze.


I'll hit you in the foot.

Thank you.

You're dry, sugar.



I'll save you for last.

You won't get the chance.

You okay?

I got a better look at him.

He's not that good-looking.

- Didn't he shoot you?
- He tried.

He's a bad shot, too?

Man, what does this guy

have going for him?

Pierce loaded your gun
with blanks.

Don't--don't--don't shoot!

Why does this keep happening?

And what kind of ice cream
company does this?

Where's the paintball stuff
from last year?

I hid it

so the school doesn't get
destroyed again.

Too late.

Oh, hi, Jeff.

We just ran
into the Black Rider.

Dean, if you want this game
to end,

we need firepower.

In there.

The key's in my shorts.

I can get it out, I guess.

Now, this is more like it.

Okay, Black Rider.

Now let's see who's attractive.

Dude, you have a problem.


Oh, nice.

Whoa, where you going?

To have a conversation
with Pierce.

She's pretty awesome today.

What happened?

Black Rider.

He wiped out the whole fort.

Then why are you still here?

I can't go back out there.

This is the only life I know.


Is that you?

D'you get the ammo?


What are you doing?

Why was Jeff's gun loaded
with blanks?

Was it?

Agh! Okay, okay, okay!

Oh, coming out.

Hey, hey.

Oh, okay.

I get it.

So once again, I'm the bad guy.


Well, he got to win last year.

It's a game, Annie.
It's j--


It's a game.

Let's play.

Put it in your holster.

Come on, Annie.

You're my favorite.
I don't wanna beat you.

It's just that I don't want
Jeff to be--

Put the gun in your holster,

and let's play the game.


So you can shoot me
and play without me.

That's this group's
favorite thing.

We're always nice
to you, Pierce.



Three days ago,
I walked in on you guys

playing cards without me.

Three days ago!

We weren't playing cards.

We were voting,
and you weren't invited

because we were voting
about you.


We were taking a vote...

On whether we'd invite you
back to the group next year.

Lucky for you,
it had to be unanimous.

There was one holdout.

One red card.

Pick it up.

Black Rider...

It's Jeff Winger.

I know you've heard
of me by now.


He's lying.

Look, if you're half
the cool cowboy

you pretend to be,

you'll respect that we've got

a situation playing out here

and let us be
until it's settled.

Sure thing.

And once it's settled...

I'm taking out everybody
in this room.


Starting with you,
Mr. Insecure.

You think you're good-looking,
but you're not.

You're average.

You're just
an average-looking guy

with a big chin.

- What's going on?
- He's faking it.

No, something's wrong with him.

No, no, it's fake.

Last week he did it

to get out of letting me have
a stick of gum.

He's old, though.
Could be real.

It's real.
It is.

The gurgling's a nice touch.

You guys are terrible people.

- Ah, we warned you.
- Buddy, are you all right?

You want me to call 911?


- Wait, seriously?
- Told you, dude.

- I'm the best!
- You're the worst.

I'm out of the group?

You're out of mine!

And I'm winning!

We've created a monster.

Let's not give ourselves
too much credit.

I'm out.

Some old guy pretended
to have a heart attack.

Shot me in the gut.

I don't care.
That's your problem.

This school sucks.

Well, then why do you go here?

I wouldn't go to this toilet

with my big sister's toe.

I take a class online.

I was paid to be here
and win the game

so my boss could keep
his prize money.

You work
for the ice cream company?

Sweetie, this thing
is so much bigger

than you can even imagine.

I'm outta here.

I got Coldplay tickets.


Too late, bean allergy.

You blew it.



Does anyone have an alliance
I can join?

I'm really loyal.


Am I out?

No Greendale student
can be allowed

to win this game.

Initiate plan B:
Operation Total Invasion.

Greendale students,

I understand you've unified,

and intend
to draw this game out.

Well, if it's a war you want,
it's a war you shall lose.

Resistance is as pointless
as your degrees.

- Are we the little rascals?
- I was.

I'm on your team!
Stop shooting me!

We're gonna lose this war,
and this school!

- Looks like this is it.
- We're dying out here!

I had a dream
it would end this way.

Once I'm gone, I'm gone.

Then I guess
I'll see you in hell.

That's just the tip
of the iceberg.