Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 22 - Applied Anthropology and Culinary Arts - full transcript

When the Anthropology class assembles for their final exam, Shirley notices a twinge, which quickly escalates into full-blown labor. As Jeff and Britta argue about how best to help, Chang ...

And that's how paleolithic hunting tribes

overtook early agricultural

Ah. That's an interesting
answer, miss Edison.

- Is it right?
- I Don't know. Don't care.

But so far,
you're all getting A's.


You're welcome.

Are you sure everyone should
get A's?

It seems a little unfair
to the people

that actually studied.

Throw paper balls at her head
until she sits down.

Oh! What?

- Sitting. I'm sitting.
- Good. Very good.

A-pluses for all of you.

Professor Duncan,
you are such a great teacher

when you're drinking.

- Thank you, Darrell.
- It's Troy.

Hey, the man wants
to give Darrell an "A,"

let him do it.

- Nice shot.
- Oh, thanks.

A toast to the easiest school,
the dumbest dean...

And the ultimate
blow off class.

Who knew?

- Hey, Shirley.
- Hmm?

You're not drinking.

Someone is cruising
for an A-minus.

Oh, no, no, I'm with child.

Well, if it's my child,

it's okay to have a drink or two.

Chang babies love the sauce,
you know?

Alcohol and duck.


This is not your child, Chang.

- It's Andre's.
- How do you know?

Because I don't see
any locusts.

a woman knows these things.

Women have a connectedness
to their bodies,

that you would never

You have a booger.

I know.
It's part of me.

Hey. Can we please do
the exam?


Here is to never telling
the dean.


And that is what Jews do
at weddings.

- Anthropology!
- L'Chaim!

Community 2x22 - Applied Anthropology and Culinary Arts

Oh, professor Duncan, class,

this is Mr. Jacobson.

He's a writer who's doing
a piece on me

for Dean Magazine.

- Ah!
- I know, right?

Well, keep taking your exam.

Don't let my presence
distract you.

I'm sort of a father figure
to the kids around here

for my "outside the box"
approach to education.

You know, like that film
Children of the Corn.

Oh, professor.

- Proceed.
- Yes.

The Anthropology final.

Do you know what, I have left
the exam paper in my office.

But it is a real doozy.

There is an interactive element.

A performance component.

And I don't want to tip it,

but there may be a lump of clay
coming to everyone in the room.

So, uh, toodle-oo.

This is a real college.

So after this,

we should check out
the world food festival

in the parking lot.

No way.

There are lunch trucks
with 18 different nationalities

of food.

You know what, not different.
Equal. Equal to whites.

You know what,
better than whites.

Oh, I think that sounds

like an awesome thing to do,immediately.

I bet the reader of
Dean Magazine would love it.

I'm good. I'd like to stay here
and check out

this unorthodox exam.

- Shirley, you okay?
- Uh-huh.

Just a little indigestion.

I've been having it
all morning.

Are you sure
it isn't contractions?

No, no, no. It's way too early
for any of that.

Um, my other two
came right on schedule.

Maybe even a little late.

Jordan was in here so long,

he came out
with a driver's license.

I'm kidding.
That's not true. Ooh.

Chang babies
are always premature.

We gestate fast because we're
better at obtaining nutrients.

Some need only eight months,

depending on how much
of the mother they eat.

Oh, uh, Shirley,
that is full of chemicals.

I wouldn't expose your baby
to that.

Actually, my doctor said
antacid is safe to take.

Yeah, let me guess
who paid for that study.

Big antacid.

Shirley, chew on a eucalyptus root

and I know it sounds gross...
pig saliva.

It's the same active
ingredient as antacid.

They just dress it up
with a fancy name.

How dare they.

Hey, you want to see
a movie today?

- Word.
- Cool.

- Hey, guys, why do you do that?
- Do what?

- It's cool.
- How?

I don't know.
It just is.

Well, let me in.
Let me in to the handshake.

I'll give you $1,000.

- Indecent Proposal.
- Indecent Proposal.

- Woody.
- Demi.


You two gonna fall in love?


I don't know.

So have you considered
natural childbirth?

Are you kidding me?
I'll take whatever they got.

An epidural is a proper
Christian woman's only chance

to get wrecked.

Yeah, but from what I'm told,

the real high
is the endorphin rush

of a chemical-free birth.

I read an article that said

some women can actually achieve or...

Uh-uh, no, no, no.
Thank you for the conversation.

I know
what you're talking about.

And even if it were true,

that's not something
a woman does

on her child's head.

- But...
- Mmm!

Listen, backseat birther,

Shirley's on her third kid.

She doesn't need
a third-year-old slacker

with two one-eyed cats
governing her body.

First of all, together,
my cats can do anything.

Secondly, you disqualified
yourself from this conversation

the moment you decided
to grow a wang.

I regret nothing.

I feel sorry for the airhead

that you're gonna knock up
at the age of 70.

You're gonna be sitting
in the waiting room

playing Solitaire
on your BlackBerry

while a life is created
ten feet from you.

Oh, and you're gonna squat
in a babbling brook

and a beautiful star child
is going to slide out

on a ray of sunshine
while your cats each half watch

because you're so natural.

Oh-oh. Okay. Oh, boy.

Can someone please get
every mop on campus?

Um, did you break water?
Is that broken water?

- That's broken water!
- Chang baby!

Just nice and easy, careful...

Oh, father, God almighty,
this isn't happening.

It's too soon.

I don't want
my baby's first memory

- to be star-burns.
- Oh, goodness. Ok, alright.

This is not a big deal. Wait.
I mean, it is a big deal.

It's just not a big bad deal.
It's a big good deal.

If I could have everyone's

Actually would like not
to have your attention.

Okay, give me your attention.

This student is having a baby.
What am I talking about?

You already know.

Okay, here's...
Okay, here's what it is.

I'm gonna go get my Prius,

I'm gonna pull around the back,

and I'm gonna drive her
to the hospital.

I drive a Prius,
which I think is pretty cool.

- Dean, go!
- Okay, dean gone.

Can you please call Andre?

He's "Sugar Boots" in my phone.

That hurts, Shirley.

Oh, oh, I'll get it
because I am here for you.

We came so close
to having one class

that wasn't all about them.

Remember when they all took
that fishing trip

on St. Patrick's Day?

God, that was a good week.

This has got
to be a Chang baby.

Changs are never born
in hospitals.

More like taxicabs,
hardware stores,

bank lines, sewers.

My nephew Jin
was born on a treadmill

at bally total fitness.

20% incline.

"Sugar Boots" says that he'll
meet us at the hospital.

Good. Now can somebody
do something about him?

I'm just saying nobody needs
to freak out.

A Chang is hearty to the core.
We always come out healthy.

That's why there's like
a billion of us.

You ever tried googling me?
Can't be done!

Ben, you have to stop
freaking her out.

Hey, show me some respect.

I might be that child's
estranged father.

- Well, what's it gonna be?
- What?

I want to buy the rights
to your handshake.

Do we have a deal?

Pierce, we're about to take
Shirley to the hospital.

This is not the time.

Oh, it's the time.

According to my watch,
it's 1,000 o'clock.

- Deal.
- Deal.


- So how does it work?
- I don't know.

We just kind of do it

when one of us
says something awesome.

- Yeah.
- All right. Betty Grable.

I said Betty Grable.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Do it.

Make your money, whore.

Who's Betty Grable?

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Try to take deep breaths
and relax.

- Where is the dean?
- Oh, my God!

- Okay.
- Everything's wet!

- Eew!
- Oh. Oh, that's okay.

That's okay, because it is natural.

It's natural.

Are you uncomfortable, Britta?

- You wish.
- Oh!

- Oh. Okay. Ooh.
- $400. $500.

It's like a million bucks
in dog dollars.


- What happened?
- Something's off.

It's like buying candy
from a baby.

What did you do?
You ruined it!

Troy, give him back the money.

No, no, no.
Money doesn't matter anymore.

Once you've sold something out,
you can't get it back.

But you didn't even like
our handshake!

I hated it.
Now it's gone.

You two are dumber
than Jackie Coogan.

He divorced to Betty Grable.

Jeff, Pierce tainted
our special handshake

with his blood money

and now we can't get
the magic back!

Holy crap.
You two for real?


Nobody cares
about your stupid handshake.

A baby is coming out
of Shirley's vagina

- two feet from us.
- Don't worry.

Her contractions are still
six minutes apart.

So unless her cervix is dilated
more than eight centimeters,

we still have time
to get her to a hospital.

I delivered a baby
earlier this year

in the back of an SUV.

- What?
- Hmm-hmm.

Where was I when that happened?

I don't know.
Off in the background.

- Did you pull your car up?
- Uh, no.

- It's been overturned!
- What?

Okay, look, I don't want
to alarm anyone,

but the world food festival
has taken a dark turn.

I guess some national

don't play nice with others

and things have turned
into a bit of a race...

- Kerfuffle.
- You mean riot?

Uh, let's use kerfuffle
for now, okay, Mr. Winger?

I was just trying
to feed hungry foodies.

I'm going to call an ambulance.

Oh, there's ambulances
out there!

They're overturning those too!

I mean, I didn't even know
there was a difference

between North
and South Korean barbeque.

I mean, M*A*S*H lasted longer
than that war.

Get over it. Am I right?
Don't print that.

Let's just quit jotting.
Stop writing!

Okay, 911 says it's gonna take
over an hour

because of a race kerfuffle.

Lake Woebegone. Eeh!

Abed, what do we do?

pretend I'm saying this

in a soothing, reassuring,
non-robotic voice.

We're not going to make it
to the hospital.

Yes, I am.

I'm going to have this baby
in a hospital

with my husband and the father
of my baby.

Unless that father is me.

In which case,
what you need to do now

is elevate your legs
over your head

while facing the northeast
corner of the room.

But try not to look
at the door, okay?

That's bad luck and Chang babies
are very superstitious.

Also if you can visualize
a rabbit riding a dragon,

it'll increase his chances
of winning lotteries.

Ben, corner.

Listen, Shirley, we're having
the baby right here, right now.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Troy, get every blanket
and coat you can find.

Anything soft for Shirley
to lie on.

Annie, I need you to call Andre

and tell him
to meet us here instead.

- Well, what can I do?
- Stop rubbing her shoulders.

- What are you doing?
- Being natural.

Jeff, help me move Shirley
to the ground.

All right,
just stand right here.

Easy. Easy.
Troy, blankets. There we go.


I just need to take a look

and see how far along you are.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Abed.

I don't feel comfortable
with you taking a grand tour

of my nethers.

I'd prefer
it was one of the girls.

I can do it! I can do it!
I'm good at looking!

I'm here for you, Shirley.
Okay, what do I do?

Okay, you just need to look
and see if the baby's head

- has reached the cervix.
- No problowe, Rob Lowe.

I take it the head has reached the cervix.

Oh, God, okay, oh God, alright.

Not to worry. This kind of thing
happens all the time.

Are a lot of babies born
in classrooms?

Well, a lot more are conceived.

No, Paul, that's off the record
and not true. Sort of.

- Annie.
- Got to go.

Hey, okay, due to an unforeseen conflict

of genitals, I've been disqualified

from delivering Shirley's baby

so I'm gonna have to walk you through it.

I can't deliver a baby.

I'm not properly prepared.

I need to take a class,
or read a book,

or shadow a nurse, or at least
have my mom hug me first.

Oh, God. Oh, God.
I'm seeing spots.

Oh, my lord, my lord,

why are you doing
these things to me?

How have I failed you?

Either way, someone's got
to calm her down.

I got this.
Shirley, look at me.

Look at my face.

Connect with me.

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪

- What in the hell?
- I don't know what to do!

- Chang! Where's Chang?
- What's up, baby?

You said Chang babies
all come this way?

Yeah, like a bullet from a gun.

- And they're all okay?
- Hell, yeah.

More than okay.
Super babies.

Seven generations
of little scrappers

born in the worst conditions
you can imagine.

Tell me.

My cousin slid out feet first
in a pickle barrel.

My uncle was born
during rainy season

in a Mongolian sheep pasture.

My brother, hmm, born under
a crowded noodle bar

while my grandfather finished
his happy dancing shrimp.

Nothing can stop us.

Not the hurricanes.
Not the communists.

Not the feds.
Not the girl scouts.

What are you doing?
Get in there.

Me? Forget it.
I'm the worst.

Well, that's a discussion
for a different time.

Look, Britta,
there is something in you

that wants to take care
of people so bad

that you'll do it
until you puke.

That's what Shirley needs
right now.

Are you saying I'll be
a good mom?

What? No.

Man, you will really force
anything, won't you?

Just get in there and force
that baby out of Shirley.

Step aside, people!
Britta for the win!

Get out of my way.
Okay. I am ready.

Abed, walk me through this.

Okay, at each contraction,

you need to tell Shirley
to push.

That's it?

Well, don't tell any doctors
I said this,

but at this point in time,

the bus pretty much drives itself.

Who exactly is the bus
in this scenario? Oh!

- Oooooh!
- Push!

- Push, push, push.
- Push, push, push.

Shirley. Push.

The head is out!

Now feel under the neck
for the umbilical cord.

There's no chord.

I think that's a good thing,

Oh, I am nailing this!
You're doing great too.

Chang, more stories.

Okay, so in World War II,

a lot of us were rounded up
in labor camps.

Mining mostly.

Hundreds of Changs were born
underneath the earth.

Most spent their first five
years underground.

- Hey, I'm here.
- Oh, Andre!

Okay. Hi, baby.

- It's gonna be all right.
- Okay.

It's okay, ma'am.
We can take it from here.

Guys, I got it.
I'm in the zone.

Okay, come on, Shirley.
Come on, Shirley.

Come on, Shirley.
Push push push.

- Push it!
- Push!

Here it comes!
It's baby Greendale!

You guys don't have
to name it that.

I don't claim that power.
I'm merely the deliverer.

- Britta, focus.
- Oh, doy. Okay.

Push, push, push...

Oh, it's a boy!

And it's also a black person!

Not that that's important.

- Are you sure it's yours, baby?
- Yes.

It's definitely his.

I never told you this part,

but all Changs are born
with tails.

You kind of dodged
a bullet there.

Agh! Ugh!

Did that just happen?

- It's back.
- It never left.

- Hi.
- Oh.

- Oh, we did it, sugar boots.
- No, you did it, baby.

Congratulations, sir.

After a fierce campaign,
I happily concede

this baby to you.

- Pretty classy of me.
- Thank you, Chang.

Couldn't have done this
without you.

- No bigs.
- Andre.


I think I want to name him
after Ben.

- What?
- Hmm?

- Really?
- Really?

Yeah. I mean, you may not
be his father,

but you helped bring him
into the world.

All right, well, we'll have
our own little baby Ben...

- Bennett.
- Ben Bennett?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, damn.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. No, no. No, that's fine.

Ben Bennett.
Hi, Ben Bennett.

Oh, look, he said Chang.

- No.
- No, he didn't.

- See? Nothing to it.
- Yeah.

Can you believe
that's how we come

into this world?

Screaming, crying,
covered in crap?

And then somewhere
along the lines,

we get it into our heads
that we're destined

for greatness.

We are. I just yanked
a little dude

out of my friend.

Yeah. I guess we passed

Look at how teeny
his hands are.

You're so little, right?

His fingers
are like good & plenties.

I know.
I want to eat them.

- Which is lame.
- Totally.

This has been quite a day.

You can expect a cover story
in the next issue.

In a good way?

Like an article
about what a good dean I am?


I did it.

I did it.
I am a good dean.

I am a good dean!

Are you sure you want
to do this?

I know people do it in movies
all the time,

but there are bound to be
real world consequences.

I know, but if we take
that test today,

we are definitely going
to fail it.

Okay, let's do it.

What are you guys doing?

Cancel school today
or we tell everybody about this.