Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 13 - Celebrity Pharmacology 212 - full transcript

Pierce bribes Annie into getting him a bigger role in her anti-drug play, Jeff gets in trouble when he sends a lewd text message from Britta's phone, and Shirley rejects Chang's attempts to be friendly to her.

Hey, Buzzby, how are you today?

Not so great, Bumbleton.

I have a ton of pollen to collect,

but I'm really tired.

Flying a little low?
Maybe you should get high.

- Who's this?
- This is Drugs.

- Aren't drugs bad?
- No way.

Drugs are like special honey.
They give you a buzzzzz.

Don't call me honey, honey.


Drugs doesn't say that.

I don't say anything,
by the way.

I mean, I thought this show
was about drug awareness.

Who's gonna be aware of a
character that has no lines?

And also I noticed on page 15
I get flushed down the toilet.

Consider yourself lucky.

Annie, question.
Is Pierce marijuana?

And does marijuana help
people work faster?

I thought it made them just
custom-paint their vans

and solve mysteries.

Also, are you sure that
my costume is on backwards?

Somehow I felt more
confident before.

I have a question.
I don't think my character

would say "tripping balls."

That's not a question.

I don't think my character

would say tripping balls, okay?

Guys, let's remember
why we're doing this.

If our work helps even one
kid make better choices,

then it will all be worth it.

I wish I had seen a show
like this when I was younger.

It might have helped
me avoid my mistakes.

Well, we're happy to
do this for you, Annie,

but I have to say, my school
had plenty of shows like this,

and I think sitting through
them drove me to drugs.

You don't count, Britta.

You don't respond to
anything appropriately.

Thank you!


I'm just checking in to see

how the Greendale antidrug
players are doing.

Now, I talked to the
guidance counselor

at the San Ramone middle school,

and there's gonna be at least 50

little at-risk rug rats
coming here tomorrow

for your big world premiere.

That is terrific.

So with any luck,
we can get rid of

all those Charleston Chews
in the vending machines.

Um, dean Pelton,
were you hoping to participate

- in the show?
- Oh, I would love to, Annie.

But as you can see from my outfit,

I already have plans,
so off to the airport Ramada!

How come he gets
a front stinger?

♪ Give me some rope,
time in a tree

♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam

♪ somebody said we could be here

♪ we could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year

♪ I can't count the
reasons I should stay

♪ one by one they all just fade away

Do you think bees
eat their own honey?

I'm sure they've
at least tasted it.

- This guy keeps texting me.
- You don't like him?

I don't like flirting in text.

That's like saying you
don't work by electric light.

If you want to have
an active sex life,

part of it is texting.

Hmm. I don't remember
asking your opinion.

Can't talk now.

Shirley, since I might be the
father of your unborn child,

I made you a mix tape.

I hope you like Johnny Gill.

And since you probably don't
have a cassette player,

here's a list of used
ones on Craigslist.

Britta, are you walking
out of this room?

Uh... yeah.

Hey... you know that you're gonna

have to acknowledge
him eventually.

I don't know who
you're talking about.

- Chang. - I know who you're talking
about... He doesn't exist!

- Um, Annie?
- Ooh!

- I'm sorry. A word?
- Mm-hmm!

I don't know if you know this,

but I did TV commercials
for Hawthorne Wipes...

family business... in the fifties.


I was kind of the Gerber
Baby of moist towelettes.

- That's great, Pierce.
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I've done a lot of acting.

- Workshops.
- Mm!

I do physical comedy.
Funny dances.

- Foreign accents.
- Accents?

Name any country.


Point being,

there are many tools I
can bring to the table

that I think the
script may be wasting.

Pierce, you know what I think

is really great about this show?

The only real star
of it is the message.

Right. Uh... is the
message Jeff Winger?

Because he's on every
page of this thing.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Uh...

You bet.

Oh, Britta left her phone.

- She's getting a text message.
- Let me see.

- Oh. It's from Marcus.
- Mm.

"I'll be at the
show tomorrow night.

"Can't wait to see you.

Are you really wearing
a cat costume?"

- Mm.
- Well, Marcus...

You are in luck.

What are you doing?

Dragging Britta kicking
and screaming into 1997.

- What did you say?
- "There's not much

"to the cat costume,

but can't wait to show
you what's underneath."

How could you think
that was a good idea?

- I got a better question.
- Mm-hmm.

How could it not
be a great idea?


Pierce... what are you doing here?

Never mind that.

There's a rapist in the hallway.

That's my landlord.

And if he wanted to rape you,
you'd be raped.

Did you follow me?

Let me answer your
question with two of my own.

What are you doing in an
apartment above Dildopolis?

And when did they open
a second location?

This is where I live, Pierce.

It just happens to be
above a marital aid store.

I don't get it.
Aren't everyone's parents rich?

Well, I'm not
speaking to my parents.

After my nervous breakdown,

my mom wanted to put
the problem behind us,

and I wanted to deal with it,
so I went to rehab,

and she cut me off.

What are you living on?

I saved. Every penny
from babysitting,

every birthday check,

every dollar from the Period
Fairy when I was a kid.

I guess I thought it
would last longer.

Excuse me.
What's a Period Fairy?

The fairy that
gives you a dollar

every time you get your period.

Does she still come?

- Pierce!
- You know,

you and I are very
much alike, Annie.

We're both realists.
We're both cute.

And we'd both rather die than
let someone else control us.

I see the point of this place now.

This crap hole is a monument

to self-reliance.

I found the drapes
in a dumpster.

Can you believe it?


You know, I wanna help, Annie.

Oh, no. No, no, no,
no, no, Pierce.

- Come on, now.
- I'm not taking money from you.

It's not mine. It's yours.

You've earned it for being strong.

It's going to drop into your
hands from out of nowhere.

Because I was never here.

Okay. I'm only taking this

because I'm a little
worried about making rent,

and they told me the
procedure for selling eggs

takes three weeks.

You save your eggs
for a rainy day.

I'll see you tomorrow.


Hey, why did you
follow me here today?

Oh! It was nothing, it...

Seems sort of pointless now.

I guess just to
talk about the play

and...Who cares if I
don't have any lines?

Well, you know what, Pierce?

You should do that
line you improvised.

- "Don't call me honey, honey"?
- Yeah, that's it.

You should do that.

You were the Gerber Baby
of moist towelettes, right?

Yes. Yes, I was.


Hello. I'm Cornelius Hawthorne.

One rainy day, my son Pierce and I

were taking a stroll
when I discovered

the cleansing power of moist cotton,
fresh from the field.

Isn't that right, son?

It sure is.

It sure is, dad!

Pierce, knock it off.

I wanna be in the
commercial too, father.

Well, then you
should have done better

in your damn audition.

What's your name, son?


You're a good boy, Nigel.

Your father is a lucky man.

Okay, guys, remember,

the most important
thing is to have fun!

And the second most
important thing

is to know all your lines
and all your blocking

and not mess up a single thing.
Actually... flip those.

Here we go, guys.
I took the liberty

of juicing up some of our bits.


Pierce, you can't just
revise Annie's script.

And who uses wite-out anymore?

Why don't we look
over Pierce's changes

and see if they improve things?

"Hey, Crayon, do you know
where I can get some drugs?

I need them."

you can get them anywhere."

- "Anywhere?"
- I'm here!


Good one.

Well, doesn't seem
to hurt anything,

so let's get into costume
and break a stinger!

For the bees.

Annie, uh...

I-I don't feel comfortable
with the zabba-da-zooey line.

The one you wrote?

I got it!

Let's give Jeff the
zabba-da-zooey line,

and then I'll come
in with a good one.

- Yeah...
- It's more my voice.

Pretty sure Jeff is
gonna reject that idea.

Yeah, you're probably right.

You're the producer.

By the way, is this your pen?

I...think I put it
back in my pocket

after I wrote you
that check yesterday.

I'll give it to you later.

I'll talk to Jeff.

Also, I think it'd be
better for my character

if I wear his leather jacket.


Welcome to Greendale's
Drug Awareness Show!

Okay. Our volunteers

are handing out drug-free
baseballs, huh?

Next time you think about drugs,

think about baseball instead.

Can't ignore me forever.

Okay, you probably can...

I don't know why you want to.

I don't know if I told
you my nephew Marcus

actually goes to San
Ramone middle school,

and he's coming to see the show.

- Marcus? Your nephew?
- Yeah, he's 14.

I actually thought he
didn't even like me,

but then he texted me out
of nowhere and he said,

"Can't wait to see you.

"I've been looking forward
to this for so long.

You are the coolest
aunt in the world."

I hope that I don't let him down.

- You'll be great.
- What does this symbol mean?

It's a number eight,
an equal sign,

and then a greater than symbol.

Let me see.

You'd better get changed.

I'll hang onto your stuff for you.


Abed, we screwed up.

You know that text we sent?

It was to Britta's nephew.

He sent her an emoti-penis.

What are we gonna do?

Fine. Screw you, Abed.

I can fix this.

"Marcus, I made a mistake.

I texted the wrong
person last night."

"You called me by name.
It wasn't a mistake.

Don't be afraid."

Screw you, Abed.

"I was drunk. We can't do this."

"I'm drunk too. On lust."

There's a picture.

Oh! That's disappointing.

Wow, who does that? That's...

Bees, you're up.
Cool cats, your on deck.

- Aren't drugs bad?
- No way.

Drugs are like special honey.

They give you a buzzzzzzz.

Don't call me "honey," honey.

Are you ignoring me
because I'm Korean?

- You're Chinese.
- Oh, there's a difference?


It's because you're crazy,
all right?

There's something wrong with you.

And the idea that I was with you

means there's something
wrong with me,

and if this baby...

If you have any humanity at all,

you will not make
me think about it.

Shirley, funeral.

Well, that answers my question.

Jeff Winger is sexy
even in a coffin. Mmm!

I'm here.

Pierce, you're
supposed to be onstage.

I was looking for a lighter.

What are you wearing?
This is a funeral.

I got this, Annie.

I can't believe Fluffy's dead.

I know I'm green, but I feel blue.

Look, it's Drugs with a
crazy wig and sparklers.

♪ Pokemon ♪

I don't think
that's right, Drugs.

Nobody asked you, Crayon.

Oh! Oh!

Well, I hope you're
proud of yourself, Drugs.

Look what you've done.

Oh, yeah? Well,
look what I'm doing now.

Smells like something
died in here.

What do you want us to do?

Should we get the dean?

Should we call in a bomb threat?

Should we set off the sprinklers?

It's not that big a deal.

I think the kids are into it.

Yeah, but I don't think that
they're getting the message.

Yeah, but do kids
ever really seem

like they're getting the message?

I think it's sinking in.

Well, I guess it's your call.

And anyway, he's about to
get flushed down the toilet

in the next scene,
and he'll be done.

I wish I had never
even met Drugs.

Who invited the
nerd from the beehive?

Drugs made you.

How about you leave, Drugs?

Zip, pop, zoom.


They want more.

I gotta go back out there.

But Pierce, you were flushed.
That was the story.

That's what's supposed
to happen to Drugs.

Being flushed doesn't
necessarily mean you're dead.

I mean, I could be a floater.

You know, a floater is when
you have a number two...

I know what a floater is,

It just... it wouldn't
make any sense

in the flow of the show,
and it sends a mixed message.

You know what I think
is a mixed message?

Yesterday you couldn't pay your rent,
and today you can.

Come on, Annie.
You and I are alike.

We're independent.
We need each other.

♪ yi yi yi yi yi

Bzzz! Getting rid of
Drugs is a great I-bee-a.

I'm flying higher
than I ever have,

thanks to not Drugs.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Ow! Hey!

I'm back!

Ain't no party without Drugs!

I love you, Drugs!

We want Drugs! We want Drugs!

Listen to that!
They're high on me!

I'm a God!

Where is that Nigel now?

And I haven't even used
my penis material yet.

Pierce, enough!

After intermission, I'm going
back to the original script

and doing some damage control.


The only damage is me

blowing the roof off the universe.

I am not letting you
go back on that stage!

Well, maybe I won't
be visiting you

late at night anymore
with a generous spirit.

You sick, sick, sad old man.

This is why I didn't want to
take money from my parents.

I don't want anybody
pulling my strings.

Wait, wait.
Is he giving you money?

Not anymore.

That's why the
script got changed.

Pierce bought his way in.
Annie sold out her message.

You've been
indulging this maniac?

Yes. I've been
indulging this maniac.

- You're fired.
- Fired?

Next time I'm at Dildopolis,

I will not be coming
upstairs to say hi.

We want Drugs! We want Drugs!

The only reason we
did this was for you

and your stupid ideals,

and it turns out you
don't even have any.

We supported you, Annie.

Yeah, Annie, you're fired.

I'm sorry!

Here's the situation.

We've got 50 at-risk preteens,

armed with baseballs,
chanting for Drugs,

who just spent intermission

eating nothing but
Charleston Chews, thank God.

Hope you can top act one,
is all I'm saying.

Oh! Whoops.

We want Drugs!

- Should we bail?
- Works for me.


We want Drugs!

Listen to those kids.

We just created 50
potential meth heads,

and the least we can do
is hit the reset button

and get that number down
to the national average.

That's a suicide mission.

Did someone say crazy person?


Well, I heard it.

We want Drugs! We want Drugs!

Greetings, you little snots!

You're not Drugs.

Oh, but I am!


Did you expect me to
stay the same forever?

'Cause that's not
what drug does, baby.

I'm gonna deep-fry your dog
and eat your mama's face

and I'm gonna wear your little
brother's skin like pajamas.

I control your lives

and there is nothing you can do!

Let's kill him!

Oh, bring it on, bow-wow.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my!

Aah! Aah!

Is that all you've got?

I gotta tell you, Annie,

this is the greatest
chemical dependency program

I have ever watched.

I mean, the way you got the kids

to think that they needed Drugs,

and then having them realize

that dependence was the enemy,

that the price was just too high.

Oh, genius.

So now that the show is over,

what is the plan for
these bee costumes?

Aah! Aah! Uncle!

Hi, Marcus. I'm Jeff.

I'm like, uh, Britta's boyfriend.

Look, dude,
she started it, okay?

- She's just as into me.
- No, listen, listen.

I'm not mad.

I was just fooling around,

and I sent those texts.

- Gross.
- Yeah.

Well, it was pretty disgusting,

sending those
pictures to your aunt.

More disgusting
than what you texted

to an underage boy?

Yeah, well,
I didn't know you were you.

And I didn't know
you weren't my aunt.

Okay, all right,

let's just call this a draw.

Britta doesn't need to
ever know about this.

Okay, I'd be happy to,
for a price.

That was brave of you.

I owe you an apology.

It was rude to call you crazy.

Maybe I haven't been
giving you enough credit.

Oh, that's really sweet.
Tell you what.

Why don't I go get Chang?
You can tell him that yourself.

- Oh, no.
- My God, that was amazing!

- Wow!
- Good job!

- Thanks!
- Amazing!

Way to go, man,
go! That was awesome.

They beat the crap out of you.

It's okay.
I did a lot of ad-libbing.

Guys, I'm so sorry.

Thank you so much.
That was amazing.

Even I learned something.

- Oh, Annie.
- We did it.

- Group hug, group hug.
- Hug, hug.

- Way to save the day.
- Nice work.

Did you get hit in the
face with a baseball?


Annie, before you say anything,

I just want you to know,

even though I did nothing wrong,

I'm still gonna give you money.

No. I can't take
your money, Pierce.

I can't go from
depending on my parents

to depending on you,

which is why I'm gonna get a job.

So you're cutting me off?


Pierce, I know you
don't depend on anyone,

but you do depend on
people depending on you,

so I'm not gonna take your money.

We're still friends?

Give me a day.

By the way,

your mom was the
Period Fairy, right?

Hey, guys, I found my phone,

but has anyone seen my bra?

It's 2:00 A.M.

Time for Dildopolis's
night-owl deals.

Please be advised,

we will be closed
for President's Day.

Just kidding.

Dildopolis never closes.

At Dildopolis, your privacy
is our top concern.

All store purchases will
show up on your credit card

as ABC Dildos, incorporated.

Shop until you drop.

Take a load off at
our in-store cafe

and enjoy an espresso

or our signature
cinnamon biscotti.