Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 12 - Asian Population Studies - full transcript

Really?

- Hi!
- Hey guys

Did everyone have a good break?

Yeah, I discovered
a new back muscle

to work out.

Ladies, you'll thank me
come tank top season.

I checked all of
Pierce's wardrobes

for portals to magical worlds.

All I found was something
called Emmanuelle in Space

on laserdisc...
I couldn't watch it,

but it sounded sexy.



Laserdisc.

I joined a campus volunteer
group that cleans the city.

We picked up litter on the freeway

and dredged the river.

Dredged it for what?

You know, garbage and stuff.

Tires, condoms, needles.

At one point, we found a finger.

Why are you using your
I-love-butterflies voice?

What? Am I?

I don't know.

Volunteer work is nice.

You do nice things.

With nice people.



Ooh.

Somebody's finding river
fingers with a cute boy.

What? No.

Well, okay, yes,
but it doesn't matter.

It's not like I'm seeing anyone.
There's just a guy.

- A guy that goes to Greendale?
- Mm.

Is it the Russian guy that
looks like a short Johnny Depp?

- It doesn't matter.
- Is it the guy who looks

a little like Vince Vaughn
but smells a lot like fish?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, I have someone in my life

that I'm happy to talk about.

Again with the Jesus.

Well, Jesus is
always in my life,

but things have been
looking better every day

with my ex-husband.

- No.
- Is it black Michael Chiklis?

- No.
- The white George Foreman?

You guys are talking
about the same person.

He's biracial, his name is David,

and he's a human being.

Guys, stop guessing.

It's not a thing at all.
It's just a friend.

- Change the subject.
- Chang the subject.

What are you doing up there?

It's the beginning of a new
semester of Anthropology.

And I'm here to get
what I was promised.

Sure. Who has Chang's
pile of nothing?

- You know what I mean.
- I am sick of the runaround.

I'm here to demand
an immediate answer

about whether I'm
joining the study group.

Well, if we have to
give an immediate answer,

it would have to be no.

Take your time.

Sleep on it.

Then get back to me.

Or else.

Jeff, you did say we would
let him in eventually.

That was before he started
using his name as a pun.

It makes me so changry.

Oh, God, it's happening to me.

Let's get back to who
Annie's in love with.

- Is it Fat Neil?
- Blue Streak?

Optimus Prime?

Okay, even I know some
of these are Transformers.

Who cares who it is?
Let's just study.

Study what? We haven't
had our first class yet.

Well, could we
talk about something

other than Annie's love life?

We could talk
about my love life.

Is it Jean-Claude van Overbite?

We should really start
learning people's names.

I agree with brown
Jamie Lee Curtis.

Community 2x12 - Asian Population Studies

Duncan's late.

I hope he didn't drive his
car into another marathon.

Shirley, how can you want
to date your ex-husband

- after what he did to you?
- He apologized.

Oh, he apologized.

Well, I guess that completely
unbangs that stripper.

Well, forgive me
for being forgiving.

Oh, that's right.
You don't know how.

I'm relieved Shirley
is seeing her ex-husband

and not Chang.

Chang? Why would
she be with Chang?

Why do I have to say
everything I'm thinking?

I wish my mouth was further
away from my brain.

I wish my brain had its own brain.

I wish Chang hadn't
had sex with Shirley.

What? When?

Where?

How?

I can't talk about it.

Troy, I'm your roommate.

I can keep a secret.

Okay, remember
that Halloween party

that none of us can remember?

I don't remember
anything we can remember.

Well, Chang left me
a message that night

saying that they did it.

But... but you can't tell anybody.

You have my word
as your roommate,

and that is a bond I
will never violate.

You can't tweet it either.

We never discussed new media.

Sorry all that
stuff got dragged out

about me having a
crush on somebody.

Why would you be
sorry about that?

You know. Awkward.

Annie, you don't think
I actually care, did you?

No, no, I just didn't want you
to think I thought you cared.

Greetings, all and sundry,

and welcome to your second
semester of Anthropology,

where it is about to get real.

Now I forget where we
left off last year.

- Fat Neil.
- The bronze age.

Thank you, Fat Neil.

Neil's fine.

Not from an
actuarial standpoint.

Now please forgive my lateness,

but I wasn't sure how
to find Greendale sober.

Yes, you heard me right.

I have stopped drinking.

Mainly due to the fact that I
could no longer get an erection.

Now that I'm on the wagon,

you can expect both this class

and my penis to be more
focused and rewarding.

Also, there's gonna be
more than one diorama.

Lame!

- Boo.
- I am so sorry.

I train seeing-eye dogs,
and today was graduation.

I couldn't leave without
shaking all their little paws.

- Aww.
- Rich.

- Jeff.
- Rich!

- Annie.
- Annie? Rich?

You're taking Anthropology?

Well, you made it sound so fun.

We spent the holiday break

dredging a river together.
We found...

A finger. Yeah.

It sounds gruesome, I know,

but I'm used to seeing
that kind of thing,

- because I'm a doctor.
- All: Ohh.

I can't believe Rich actually
enrolled in our class.

It means he likes me, right?

Why wouldn't he,
Annie? He is so sweet.

Yeah, sweet and wise.

He has lived such a long,
full life.

How old is he again?

30-something, I'm assuming.

He has a landline and
uses the word "album."

You guys don't think he's
too old for me, do you?

- No.
- No. Come on.

By that logic, I wouldn't have a
shot with anybody at this table.

Ugh.

Oh, speaking of creepy,

sober Duncan is worse
than drunk Duncan.

I think this class is
about to get really hard.

I have an idea about that.

Rich is really smart,

and he knows a lot
about anthropology.

If we were to start
studying with him,

I think it could help a lot.

Plus, you know...

Oh, you know what, though?

I just realized,
so unfair to so many people.

Right? Britta,
you're always talking

about how it's weird

we have no one of Latin descent

- in our group.
- Si.

And, Pierce,
you're always looking

for someone old enough

to find your racism subversive.

I could go on and on.

It is a process.

It takes time.

Well, then I say we
gather all the candidates

and make an informed,
democratic decision.

We can have a little mixer

and invite the people we're
submitting for consideration.

- All in favor of tonight?
- Oh, I am.

Thank you. I'm finished.

No, I'd say you got
about two more good years.

Oh, everyone,

this is Andre,
my ex-husband and boyfriend.

He came to spend the day with me.

Hey, nice to meet you guys.

You know, I've heard a lot
about every last one of you.

We haven't heard a lot
about you or what you've done

or with who.

Well, I hope you give
me a chance to make up

for everything you
haven't heard about me.

Hey, how about a round
of soft serve on me?

Shirley, I've been
fed a lot of soft serve

by a lot of guys.

Sometimes it's rent money,

sometimes it's Chili
Peppers tickets,

and, yeah, I'll admit it,

one time it was a gym
bag full of nickels,

but it never lasts,
and they never change.

Britta, I'm a grown-ass woman,
and I made my decision.

But how do you know
it's the right one?

Because I'm pregnant, okay?

I was going to wait to
share my exciting news,

but I guess now is as good
a time as any to tell you

that I am eight weeks along.

Which is a little surprising.

Halloween.

- What?
- Both: Nothing.

Thanks for coming,
fellow Anthropology students.

For the first semester,

you knew us as "that study group."

But, tonight,
we want to get to know you.

Please forgive the spread.

The vending machines
haven't been restocked

since before winter break.

So help yourselves
to tropical skittles,

cigarettes, or mouthwash.

And have a good time.

Okay, so I have to figure
out if Shirley did it

with her ex-husband the
week after Halloween.

How are you gonna do that?

I got moves.

So...Bun in the oven.

Guess it's no surprise after
working on it all this time.

Well, I wouldn't quite
say working on it.

Just kind of happens, you know.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Especially when the
season's right.

Dead leaves, pumpkins everywhere...

Nature's Viagra. Right?

I guess.

And then when all the pumpkins

just start to rot

and all the children have
removed their outfits

because they've already
gotten their candy...

I'm gonna go talk to some
other people, all right?

- So?
- His mind is like a fortress.

Why don't we just tell Shirley,

"Hey, look, you slept with Chang"?

Let her deal with it.

Pierce, if someone
had sex with Chang

and they get to not
remember that happened,

that's a gift from God.

I'm not taking that away from
her without a good reason.

Well, here's a good reason.

You ever go to the bathroom

and find parsley in your teeth

that your friends
hadn't told you about?

Now imagine your
teeth are a uterus

and that parsley is
a half-Chinese baby.

Hey, guys.

I want you to meet someone.

My name is Quendra,

and I spell it with a Q-U.

She's thinking about
taking Anthropology.

So maybe she would make
a nice addition or two

to our study group.
Something to consider.

Are you Abed?

I love Star Wars.

- That's Troy.
- I love footballs.

Jeff, we're dealing with
heavier things right now

than your shameless lobbying.

Rich brought kettle corn!

Kettle corn!
That's a fun-time snack.

- Oh, looks great.
- I make it in my garage.

I'll take some of that.

I spell kettle corn with a Q-U.

Well, don't.

What is this? What's going on?

It's a mixer.

Why is everyone from
Anthro class here?

Are you guys picking a
new study group member?

And you didn't invite me?

We didn't know how to reach you.

What are you talking about?
I'm everywhere.

We didn't know how to reach you.

That's not a true. That's a lie.

It's a mixer. We didn't
know how to reach you.

It's a mixer. It's a mixer.
It's a mixer.

It's a mixer. It's a mixer.

Works every time.

$50? What a pig.

Jeff, I think we
should vote now.

Most people left after
we ran out of skittles,

and, come on, it's pretty obvious

Rich is the best candidate.

Yeah. Looks like he's our guy.

I'll be right there.

This can't be happening.

I agree.

You can't talk and
then do a slow clap.

You don't know that.

But I know this.

Unless you want a front row
seat to Annie loves Richie,

it's time to Chang
your point of view.

It's not even clever.

You keep using it
as the word change.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Just do me a favor.

Let me do all the talking
and follow my lead.

- Deal.
- Okay.

Seriously,
do you have brain damage?

Rich is also board-certified
in pediatrics,

and, once a month,
he flies down to volunteer

in the rain forest,
fixing children's cleft palates

and teaching them acoustic guitar.

Other than that,

well, his kettle corn
speaks for itself.

I couldn't agree more.

It looks like this is
an open-and-shut case.

Did someone say case?

Because I haven't made mine yet.

What? What's your case?

Ben Chang is my case.

You can't be serious.

Oh, I'm serious, baby.

I am yahoo serious.

I'm serious F.M.

Welcome to the world
serious of seriousness,

sponsored by honey nut serios.

Are you stalling right now?

Stalling?

Stalling?

No, Annie, in fact,
you're gonna wish

I was stalling...
Oh, I just got it. Thank you.

I want to say some names to you.

Jeffrey Dahmer.

Ted Bundy.

Rich.

What do they have in common?

We don't know them very well.

What do we know about Ben Chang?

- We know he's nuts.
- Let him finish!

We know he's dangerous,
unpredictable, selfish.

We know he uses his
name to make bad puns.

Guilty as changed.

When he talks,
he over and underemphasizes words

seemingly at random.

When he eats, he holds his fork

like a murderer's knife,

gnawing at its skewered payload
like a deranged woodland rodent.

Bring it home!

We know he smells
like band-aids.

We know he dresses like
a Cuban cab driver.

We know he exhibits,
nay, flaunts proudly

obvious symptoms of over
half a dozen disorders

you wouldn't wish on
your worst enemy's pets.

Feel the heat!

We know these things
about Ben Chang.

And so much more than we ever
wanted to know about him.

Why?

Because it's there.

It's on the surface.

What you see may be
what you don't want,

but it's also what you get.

Wow.

Who is this
kettle-corn-popping phantom?

This human question mark?

This number eight scoop
of vanilla tapioca

with a Ph.D in being swell

and a master's in
"everybody loves me"?

Who is it?

We may never know.

I only know one thing.

Nobody is this good a person.

And nobody can get any worse

than this.

Now.

Who's voting for Chang?

Who's voting for Rich?

- Shirley.
- Wow, what you gonna do, baby?

I don't know.

Shirley, this is the best
kettle corn I've ever had.

If you don't vote for Rich,

I'll shatter your world.

You're gonna what?

I'll shatter your world.

I heard you. I vote for Chang.

- Yes!
- Yes! In your face!

- No!
- Yes!

No!

Chang and Shirley had
sex on Halloween.

What?

- What?
- You may be pregnant

- with his baby.
- No. No, no, no, no. Mm-mm.

Pierce!

She crossed me.

Is that why you were subtly
interrogating me about my sexual activity?

- Troy?
- Chang left me a voice mail

on Halloween to say
that you two did it.

I could hear you
in the background.

Shirley,
what is he talking about?

I don't remember that night.

Nobody remembers anything.

Oh, now I understand
these photos.

Do you mind if I forward
these to my brother?

Oh! I want this man out of here.

Well, you just
voted him in, so...

What is wrong with you?

Shirley is in crisis.

This isn't silly anymore.

I don't understand.

Just... just wait, baby.

I don't understand either,
but we can work this out.

We'll figure it out.

Andre, no.

I think that this
is a good time to go.

Rich!

No!

You finally did it, Jeff Winger.

You finally hurt this group
in a way that'll never heal.

Kettle corn!

There you are.

Can you please explain to me

what the hell you've been doing?

Well, Annie, when a man

loves food and beverages very much

and they pass through his system,

- they make...
- I'm not in the mood, Jeff.

Explain your behavior

with Rich today.

Sorry, not everyone
is as in love

with Dr. Do-No-Wrong as you are.

And don't say it's
because I'm jealous

of him being with you.

Oh, come on, Jeff!

I'm sick of this.

One minute, I'm too young to date.

The next, you're trying
to get rid of guys I like.

Either you want me or you don't.

What's it gonna be?

I wish I could
give you an answer

that makes sense, but
relationships are complicated,

and we're in the men's room.

Fine. Well,
I'm gonna ask Rich out.

Nothing complicated about that.

- There you are.
- Did I walk

into the wrong bathroom?

You have to find
Andre and talk to him.

Shirley is devastated.

Since when do you want
him back in her life?

I don't deny that I'm
not a fan of the guy,

but I'm a fan of Shirley,

and this is what she wants.

There you are.

Mezzanine?

- Nice sweater.
- Thanks.

My dad gave it to me.

- So, um...
- Look, I'm not mad at Shirley.

You're not?

No. I'm mad at myself.

You know, if I hadn't
left her like I did,

then none of this
would have happened.

You ever have something that
you didn't truly appreciate

until you didn't have it anymore?

Oh, yeah. Keristina.

Old girlfriend?

Almond facial scrub.

They only make it in Finland.

The old me would have
been long gone by now.

I didn't think I
could ever change,

but I'm gonna tell you,
the love of a good woman

makes anything possible.

Well, it looks like I'm
gonna be a daddy again.

- Yeah, but...
- Hey.

Doesn't matter who
the baby's father is.

I'm in it for the long haul.

And if it's mine,

it's gonna be a great
football player.

And if it's Chang's,

we'll go for golf.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Annie just texted me.

She asked Rich out.

Cool.

He said no.

He said she's great but too young.

Don't say anything until
I've said what I've got to say.

I've known you for
almost two years now,

and I've never taken you as
seriously as I should have.

You are the strangest,
coolest, most genuine person

I've ever met,
and the thing that scares me

about you is how good
you make me wish I was.

Help me, Rich.

Help me become like you.

I mean, I am so amazing.

But I'm not perfect.

You are.

Give me that power.

So I can abuse it.

Jeff, you are one funny bunny.

You can't just fake being good

in order to get away
with doing bad things.

Oh, I completely understand.

And do you understand
that I still have to try?

And if you don't help me,

you're a bad person.

You got me there, guy.

Come on in and dry off.

Oh, it smells delicious.
Are you baking?

Yeah, muffin tops.

And we're back.
Today, we'll show you

how to make homemade
kettle corn with Dr. Rich.

Rich, how do I get

one of those giant spoons?

Well, actually,
I carved this one myself

after lightning struck an
oak tree in my backyard.

- Ooh.
- And then I made my nephew

a rocking horse.

- That's adorable.
- It smells heavenly.

Dr. Rich, what sets
your kettle corn apart?

Well, it's a secret ingredient...

a couple extra pinches of love.

Oh, you can't beat that.

- It feels good.
- Not this again.

Rich, you know they're
doing a fake morning show?

There are no cameras.

I know.

It's just a fun way
to start the day.

So grab a paddle, partner,

and hop on in here.

You know what,
that does sound...

Yeah.

Troy and Abed in the morning.