Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 14 - Advanced Dungeons & Dragons - full transcript

Gather close that you might hearken

the story of Fat Neil.

Born stout of heart,
but large of bone,

his adolescent years were shadowed
by scorn and mockery.

Hey, Fatty, Fatty.

Outlets of fantasy
afforded him some escape

from the darkness
throughout high school.

And as a man,
he traveled far to a new school

and a new beginning...

Or so he thought.

Yeah, it's down by Fat Neil.



The name became a joke.

I'll have what Fat Neil's having.

The joke became his life.

Yes, Fat Neil.

And Neil fell again into darkness,

only this time, his thoughts turned
to an escape of which we dare not speak.

But pain need not be spoken to be known,
not to all.

It was, strangely, Jeff the liar,

son of William the barely known,
who first became concerned.

It was Jeff who pretended
to be interested in Dungeons & Dragons

in an effort to lift Neil's spirits.

And when Jeff's fake interest
resulted in Neil giving Jeff

all his books, explaining
he wouldn't need them anymore...

It was Annie the dayplanner,
herself a recovering head case,



that recognized the signs
of coming doom.

A council was called.

Troy the obtuse...
Shirley the cloying,

- Abed the undiagnosable...
- Julian Assange is a modern day...

And Britta the needlessly defiant.

For reasons that should be obvious,
Pierce the insensitive,

known also as Pierce the Dickish
and Grandpa the flatulent,

was not invited.

The group agreed
that what Fat Neil needed most

was to feel like a winner
for a change.

They would invite Neil that Saturday
to a game of Dungeons & Dragons,

designed by Abed
to help Neil reclaim his confidence.

At the end of the meeting,
they realized

that Chang had been there

and felt too awkward to mention it.

What they couldn't have known
was that they had just scheduled

the most important game
of Dungeons & Dragons ever,

a game which not only
might save a life,

but which would forever change
the balance between good

and Pierce.

- Feygnasse Team -

.:: La Fabrique ::.

2x14: Advanced Dungeons & Dragons

- This is gonna be awesome, yo.
- So we're just gonna ignore hate crime?

I'm a dark elf, or a trau.

- Shouldn't you be wearing armor?
- I'm an elf, not a nerd.

So you suddenly just wanted
to play Dungeons & Dragons?

Yeah, why wouldn't we?

It's cool, and when you play it,
it makes you happy...

Like a dragon.

I am your dungeon master.

We will be playing this adventure:
"The Cavern of Draconis."

I understand Neil
has his own character named Duquesne

that he's been playing for years,
so I made these for you guys.

Take your time.
Choose your character carefully.

They each have their own unique
combination of strength and...

All righty.

Shouldn't there be a board
or some pieces or something to Jenga?

No, this is a role-playing game.

It takes place
in our collective imagination.

I tell a story,
and you make choices in the story, okay?

Let's begin.
You are all standing on a country road.

Legend has it
the evil dragon Draconis dwells nearby,

guarding a massive pile of treasure.

Working as a team, your goal
is to track down the dragon, kill him,

and then claim
the treasure as your own.

Jeff, your turn.

- It's my turn? What do I do-roll dice?
- You tell me what you want to do,

then I roll the dice to see
if you're successful.

What are my choices?

You're slowingus.
Shirley, what do you want to do?

I'd like to introduce myself
to the group.

Hello.
I am a dwarf named Zippity-do.

I'm not the best at making up names.

I'm Marrrrrr.

- Boy, you weren't kidding.
- Hello, Marrrrrr.

My name is Bing Bong the archer.
I'm an archer and such.

I'm...

Hector the well-endowed? Abed.

I didn't know you'd grab one at random.
I made that one with Troy in mind.

Yeah, I bet you did.

Hi! I'm Lavernica.

I have three armors,

boots,

a belt, a torch...

- Wait, let her finish.
- Worst introduction ever.

Check it.

I am Brutalitops, the magician!

Magic user, baby. What?

An arrow flies through
the air almost hitting Brutalitops.

Six goblins are running toward you
from the tree line, drawing daggers.

I attack them using my...
Additional notes.

It has no effect.

I want to know
why these goblins are attacking us.

Maybe these woods
are their rightful land,

and from their perspective...

You're the AT&T of people.

You've been shot by an arrow.
Yeah, it hurts. Jeff.

I take my throwing knife
and throw it, knife-style.

- You do ten points of damage.
- Look at that. What am I not good at?

Sex.

But the goblins close in,
surrounding you on all sides.

I draw my plus-three sword
of Duquesne

and attack in a 180-degree arc.

The goblins are terrified as Duquesne
draws his powerful glowing sword

from its sheath...

And in one move, slices the throats
of three charging Goblins!

- That's good.
- The rest of the goblins run away.

Great job with the sword, Neil.

You saved us. What would we have done
if you didn't exist?

Dial it back, Lavernica.

Pierce, what are you doing here?

How about you answer that question?

What the hell
is this little tea party?

We're playing Dungeons & Dragons.

First of all, gay.

Second of all, stupid.

And thirdly...

Why was this a secret?
Are you cutting me out of the group?

I guess we must have forgot.

Yeah, that's what it was.

You remembered to invite Al Jolson.

And you remembered
to let Fatty sit in my chair.

Get out!
You're stretching it!

Can we talk to you outside
for a second?

Kind of missed
that opportunity already?

Yeah, but there's
a very specific reason.

- Let's just play, all right?
- I don't have a character for you.

I don't need a character.

- I think you do.
- Just put me in the stupid game now.

As you watch the Goblins retreat,
you notice a 67-year-old naked man

with no weapons,
lying in the wet grass, shivering.

- His name is...
- Pierce Hawthorne, and I'm 66, dick.

In about 13 turns,
he will die of exposure. Jeff?

I wait 14 turns.

Screw you guys.
I'm gonna win.

I go to the naked man,
and I give him my cloak.

Pierce, I am Duquesne

of clan Duquesne.

Dumb name. I'm gonna take his sword.
Can I take his sword?

You've got his sword.

Pierce, knock it off.

- You're playing the game wrong.
- We'll see.

OK, I take the Duquesne sword
from the naked man.

I attack him!
I attack black face!

- It's a critical hit.
- What?

You've decapitated him.
Brutalitops is dead.

What?

Chang, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask
for your character sheet.

- Still your turn.
- I run.

What? You run?

The naked man
is running into the woods.

- But he has my sword.
- Can we catch him, please?

The cloak that Duquesne gave him
was an elven cloak of windwalking,

which is double speed, so, no.
He's gone.

Damn it!

It took me ten years
and 50 campaigns to get that sword.

Really?

Maybe I'll wipe my ass with it
and throw it off a cliff.

That's for sitting here, Fatty.

I take it that means I'm winning.

Pierce, you've made your point.
You can ruin anything.

Now come back
and give Neil his sword.

I can't hear you over the sound
of me rubbing his sword on my balls.

You have...

Successfully rubbed your balls
on the sword.

Don't help him.
You're the dungeon master.

Just kill Pierce and give Neil back
his sword. He's upset.

I have to be impartial,
or the game has no meaning.

- Can you just give Neil a new sword?
- That sword is one of a kind.

- It was forged by my ancestors.
- I hump it.

That's it. Pierce, Abed,
I need to have a talk with you?

What?

- That kid is severely depressed.
- Oh, yeah, is that what he told you?

From the looks of it, he's been using
that line since he was five years old

to get an extra slice of pie.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't like being excluded, Jeff!
Do you?

Now, go in there and tell him
you're giving him his sword,

or you are out of the study group.

I'm sick of you threatening me

and talking to me like a kid

and giving me that look you give me
like I can't get erections!

- What?
- Abed, I keep running.

Since you're working against the group,
I need to separate you from them.

Good. Who wants to sit
with a bunch of fat crybabies anyway?

Call me when you're ready
for my next move.

Pierce refuses
to give back the sword.

Our new goal
is to find him and kill him.

- I think I just want to go home.
- Neil, do not do that.

We're gonna get that sword back.
Now, is there a way of moving faster

than he's moving
in his cape of whatever?

- I guess if we had a Pegasus.
- If that's sarcasm, I can't tell.

Because everything in this game
is silly.

- Abed, can we get a Pegasus?
- I can't give you information.

Well, there's got to be
a town nearby.

We will go to that town
and ask around...

about a Pegasus!

Is that right?

And so it was that the group

began to describe
themselves walking.

And as they described
themselves walking,

so did Abed confirm
that they walked...

- I walk with them.
- ... until...

This is a local elf tavern,
but all races are welcome.

It's a crowded and rowdy evening.

Beleaguered gnomes hurry to and fro
with glasses of mead for elves.

Why are they beleaguered?

Who cares?

I find a waiter
and introduce myself.

- Why is he a pirate?
- He's a gnome.

Anybody here speak gnome?

Lavernica does.

This'll be painless.

- Hello, my friend and brother.
- How can I help you, dear madam?

Please, no need for such deference.
I am no better than a gnome.

Yes, you are, madam.
You are a human warrior,

which is five species classes
greater than I.

That's disgusting.
Don't talk like that.

I am so sorry, madam!

Please don't report me
for execution!

I didn't mean that.

We have got to do something
about these gnomes.

Britta, ask the stupid gnome
where we can get a Pegasus!

Did someone say "Pegasus"?

A word I understand
in every language?

Here's all the Dungeons & Dragons stuff
I could find.

I had to carry it
all the way from my car.

It's very heavy,
and my doctor said...

Following the directions,

you arrive at a field
full of Pegasi.

But they are guarded by a mysterious
and beautiful elf maiden,

who seems drawn to marrrrrr.

Okay, I explain
that we need a Pegasus,

and promise to fill it up
before we bring it back.

- She flirts with you.
- I flirt back.

- How?
- I say something sexy.

Like what?

Excuse me, I don't normally do this,

but you're the most beautiful creature
I've ever seen,

and I would love a Pegasus.

Works for me.

You're very handsome.

I'm not really comfortable
with this.

My stable has a bedding of heather.
You'd be more comfortable indoors.

Look at what you're doing
and understand that I don't want to.

You've offended the elf maiden.
She's disinterested in you.

What?

Can we just do this?

Hello.
I am Hector the well-endowed.

You've got a bunch of Pegasi.
Let's make a deal.

What kind of deal?

All right, I take her by the hand
and lead her to the stable.

I rip off a piece of my tunic,
which I fashion into a blindfold.

Hector, but I don't know...

I place it gently
over the elf maiden's eyes.

You both fall back,
exhausted but still entwined.

I stroke her hair and spoon her
for the appropriate time before leaving.

How long is that?

The elf maiden, thoroughly satisfied,
promises you a flock of Pegasi.

Excellent.

Take a break.
I should check on Pierce.

I'm here.

I need to know
what you want to do next.

So many things, Abed.

So many things.

Guys...

I am bringing Pierce back
into the room.

Because while soaring
above the forest of Ingold,

you spot his body in an elven cloak
in a clearing below.

We got you!

- We land.
- You land in the wooded clearing.

He is face-down,
a pool of blood underneath him.

I can't tell you how long
I've dreamed of this, in the game.

Neil's sword?

Clutched in the hand of the body
is the sword of Duquesne.

Sir, I believe this is yours.

You get close enough
to take the sword,

you can see that this body,
while definitely dying,

- is not Pierce.
- What?

- I turn it over.
- It's the gnome waiter from the tavern.

What? No. Why?

Goodbye, my friend.

Thank you for being
so respectful toward me.

- Who did this to you?
- I never saw his face.

Just so you know...

my name...

was Kyle.

Kyle.

He was an imaginary waiter.

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Now.

You hear a low rumble,
followed by a shrill screech

and the beating of heavy wings
against the sky.

Wait, wings?

What's going on?

Tell me, Abed,

are you familiar with the Amburg region
of the Edylmann river basin?

Of course.

Then you'll know
there's a reflecting pool

with a very special amulet
at the bottom of it.

An amulet that allows the wearer

full control over...

Draconis!

The hideous Draconis,
an all-powerful red dragon,

crashes through the trees
into the clearing.

Riding atop his shoulders,
naked as the day he was born,

and controlling Draconis
with the amulet is...

Say it!

Pierce Hawthorne.

Scream what I told you to scream!

Pierce Hawthorne is my master!

Prepare to meet your doom!

I run towards Pierce
with my broadsword drawn, I attack...

Time stop!

"Time stop"?

Draconis has tons of spells.
You are frozen and helpless.

This is why I wanted to play
Chutes & Ladders.

Fine, Pierce, you win.
Just kill us and end this.

Killing is too good for you.

Cast "shape change" on Duquesne.

- What shape do you choose for him?
- Fat.

Stop it!

Duquesne starts gaining weight.

- How much?
- Make him as fat as Fat Neil.

Right, cry.

Let it out.

Baste your chubby cheeks
in tears of gravy.

You weren't crying
when you were stealing my friends.

They asked me to come here.

You know why?

I've got some fat news, Fat Neil.

Don't you know why Jeff Winger,
of all people,

led the charge
on the "Fat Neil feel good" committee?

Way over the line!

I'll tell you why.

Because I was there.

Where are the bathrooms?

They're down there by Fat Neil.

That's right, Neil.

Your new best friend, Jeff Winger,

coined the name "fat Neil".

Before you respond,
I can make it up to you.

I'll find a fatter Neil.

You made up "Fat Neil"?

Someone asked where the restrooms were,
and you were standing by them,

but you were also standing
kind of near other Neil.

- So call him skinny Neil.
- He's not that skinny.

He's bald!
He's black!

I don't look at the world
through that lens.

Sorry, I shouldn't be high-roading you.
I'm the bad guy.

Now you can all hang out
in suspended humiliation

and think
about what you learned today.

One,

don't screw with me.

Two, invite me to your crap.

- Is it my turn?
- Yes, but you can't move.

That's fine.

For my turn,
I feel sorry for Pierce Hawthorne.

Save it.

- No, I really do.
- Good.

For my turn,
I rape the Duquesne family, again.

For my turn, I pity Pierce too.

Trust me, kitten,
I'm having the time of my life.

I won.

I won Dungeons & Dragons,
and it was advanced.

- I pity Pierce.
- Knock it off.

You outdid yourself this week.
There's a lot of pain in you.

- I feel bad.
- Feel sorry for your new fat BFF.

No, we're done doing that.
He's gonna be fine, aren't you?

You, Pierce,

I really worry about,
at least for my turn, anyway.

How about this?
Draconis, unfreeze time.

Done.
You can move again.

- I breathe so much fire on you...
- Hold it.

You just used
your move unfreezing time.

I take the sword of Duquesne,

and I throw it at the amulet
around the sad, naked man's neck.

That's a difficult shot.
You'll need an 18 or higher.

Sweet baby Jesus.

Yes!

The sword smashes the amulet,
freeing Draconis from its spell.

The red dragon grabs Pierce in his jaws,
and swallows him alive.

As a reward, he flies your band

to his cavern
where he bestows his treasure upon you.

Congratulations on the completion
of Cavern of Draconis.

I've been your dungeon master.
I hope you had a good time.

Excelsior.

That was the best game
I ever played in my life.

- Don't mention it.
- Want to play again next week?

Maybe.

I'll be around.

And so it was that Pierce Hawthorne

saved the life of Fat Neil,

while learning very, very little.

Good night.

How could you possibly want
giant ears over a tail?

If you had a tail,
people could tell when you're happy.

But with giant ears,
you could hear far.

You could wear backpacks,
which would free up your hands.

Backpacks already free up your hands.
Guys, what do you think?

We thought our group
was meeting now.

Tail is much better.

- Thank you.
- All in favor of giant ears?

Told you.