Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - Anthropology 101 - full transcript

Jeff and Britta engage in a dangerous game of relationship one-upsmanship in response to Britta's embarrassing moment at the end of the previous school year, which could cause the entire study group to fall apart.

And we're back.

♪ ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I said oh my ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ I was just busy watching
everyone go by ♪

♪ she got my number ♪

♪ though I can't stand her ♪

♪ I can't help digging her ♪

♪ I hope I guess I wonder ♪

♪ and, oh, it's clear ♪

♪ you want me, dear... ♪

Welcome, students, new and old

to another fall semester
at Greendale!

It's time for clean slates
and fresh starts.

your fresh start tonight

at the fresh start dance
in the cafeteria.

The same cafeteria
where Britta Perry

publicly professed her love
to Jeff Winger

who then walked out on her.


Plus, free punch
and fresh start cookies tonight

at the fresh start dance!

Look at us...
Living together,

driving to school together.

I know.
We're like Batman and shaft.

Batman actually had a guy.
His name was Robin.

He rode around with him.

Troy, Batman's friend
didn't have to be Robin.

It could have been shaft,

Leroy brown.

Don't let society
limit your people.


Batman and shaft.

You're reading Troy's
Twitter page

where he posts everything
Pierce says?

Yeah! "Oldwhitemansays"?
It's hilarious.


Hello, honey!

- I like your hair.
- Oh, thank you, Abed.

- You're welcome.
- Jeffrey. Hello!

- Hey! How was your summer?
- Lived with you.

Oh, yeah.


So...Are you guys ready
for whatever...

Anthropology is?

We should wait for Britta.

Do we know
if she's coming back?

She never returned
any of my calls or emails.

Me neither.

It's not gonna be
the same without her.


Hey, did you guys see
toy story 3?

- Yes!
- Oh, I love toy story 3!

- Hey!
- Aah!

- Hey!
- Hey, toy story... Britta!

Okay. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

I made an ass of myself
and Jeff at that dance.

I was just caught up
in a competition

with his turd
of an ex-girlfriend,

and I wish I could erase
the entire night,

and I owe you an apology.

I accept.

Oh, sweetie,
you don't owe us anything,

and you don't have to hide
from us.

I'm hiding from them.

It's like high school
all over again.

Psycho Britta,
the walking freak show

for every Barbie
with a cosmo subscription.

Look, I don't mean
to be a tool,

but you embarrassed me
that night too,

so call it karma.

Oh, boy.

I hope I'm not around
when you do mean to be a tool.

Let's just put this behind us

and just walk to class, okay?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- You're Britta Perry?
- Yeah. What's it to you?

You are the...Coolest!

Right. Um...

At what, exactly?

Being fearless!

Speaking from your heart.

"Jeff Winger, I love you."

Right. Um...

My heart may have overstated...

- do you sign stuff?
- Now and again.


I don't like
where that's going.

I know. Right?

Um...Annie, do you remember
the little talk we had?

- The one about discretion?
- Yes. Stop that.

Look, we agreed that you and I
kissing was a mistake.

And if anyone were
to find out about it,

I would be tarred, feathered,

and put on one of those websites
people check

when they're buying a house.

It's forgotten, Jeff!

Jeez, I'm not some
love-struck teenybopper!

But you should know,
we didn't just kiss.

We technically frenched.

I checked the make-out meter
in this month's issue of...

national review.

I don't like
where that's going.

♪ Give me some rope,
time in a tree ♪

♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said
we could be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ one by one they all
just fade away ♪

Senor Chang!

Oh, wait.
I guess it's not senor anymore.

What should we call you?
Student Chang?

Two credits into
a music major Chang?

Okay. How 'bout not
calling me anything...Hmm?

Why are you guys in this class?

Oh. We chose it together.

The real question is...
Why are you in it?

Oh! You missed us?

Oh ho!
Don't flatter yourself, okay?

Have you checked out
the course description?

Ancient weaponry?
Genital mutilation?

Subject's talkin' my changuage.


I don't get it.

- Well, star-burns
has grown reliant

on his star-shaped sideburns

but still craves identity
beyond them, so he added a hat.

- . What's up
with Britta-mania?

Oh. Oh, that's even

In the eyes of the public,
Britta put herself out there.

Hey, Jeff, do you have
any hillbilly cousins?

- I wish. Why?
- What about a wealthy uncle?

Or an old drinking buddy

that may or may not have
had a sex change?

Why are you mining my life
for classic sitcom scenarios?

I guess I'm just excited
about the new year,

looking for ways
to improve things.

I'm hoping we can move away

from the soapy
relationshipy stuff

and into bigger, fast-paced,
self-contained escapades.

What is it, exactly,

that separates man from animal?


Like this blowgun I used

to hunt monkeys
with the korubo in the Amazon.

My name
is Professor June Bauer,

and this semester,

I will guide you
to the very threshold

of your humanity,

where you will lock eyes

with the shrieking,

sister-raping beasts
from which we sprang.

You will also have to make
a diorama.

For your first assignment,

I would like you to form tribes
of no more than eight

and, if you can,
mix up the races,

or you'll be surprised

at how quickly
things get awkward.

You know, now that Troy's
off the streets

and living with me,

he's learning so much
about the world.

Yeah. Tell me again why
Jewish people wear yarmulkes.

Half a hat.
Saves money.

Thank you!

"Half a hat"?
That is so offensive!

I love "oldwhitemansays".

Hey, find an eighth dork
for your tribe of dorks?

Chang, I'm starting to think
you took anthropology

because you wanna be
in our study group

but are too proud to ask.

Keep dreaming, Winger.

Would somebody with
too much pride...Do this?

Current balance, $23.10.

- Consider yourself Chang-ed.

Some Mac and cheese, please.

Sorry. Looks like your food
just walked out on ya.

Same way you did Britta.

Can we talk?

Oh. Now he wants to talk.

No. It's fine.
I'll be right back.

Man, uh...You got some
real passionate fans.

Ah, it'll blow over.

Would you mind, um...
Helping it blow over?

My stock is kinda plummeting
around here.


I don't mean
to sound like a tool,

but maybe it's karma.

Britta, I know you're excited

to finally be popular
with women,

but don't get too high
on your own drama.

High on my own drama?

People's champion!

Sorry, man.

I gotta go where the heat is.

Jeff Winger, you're a jerk!

She's turned every woman
on campus against me.

Well, not every woman.

Certainly not the one
that deserves to be with you.

Annie, all women
deserve to be with me.

And vice versa.

But who doesn't eventually
settle down?

I don't.
And I never will.

And if I did...

If I did...

I can beat Britta
at her own game.

Oh, good.

Yeah, you better take a hike!

Do you know where
the cleanest bathroom is?

- Teacher's lounge.
- Thank you.

Don't be shy.
Come on up, have a sip.

The yogi of India
swear by its restorative powers.


More of my urine for me.

Now for your tribe's assignment.

This box contains
nine different tools,

all of them important
to humanity's survival.

One of them is the most
important of all.

Your tribe's assignment
for tomorrow

is to tell me
which tool that is.

I have a question.

But not for you.
It's for Britta.


I love you.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Now, I know this puts you in
an awkwardly powerful position,

but I have to know right now,
in front of everyone...

Do you love me too?

More than anything
in the world.

Oh ho oh!


- Yeah.
- So...

It begins...

The greatest relationship
ever known.



This is making me sick.

I'm gonna love you forever.

I'm gonna love you forever.

- I don't believe you.
- Oh!

Don't you want me to?

No, I do.
Bring it.

Doesn't it make you wanna cry?

Something like that.
'Scuse me.

I downloaded a song
that makes me think of you.

Let's listen to it,
each using one earbud.

Shirley, would you consider
spinning off with me?

Just riffing, but we could open
a hair salon together.

Well, I don't understand.
Is this you being meta?

I wanted to come out of
the gate having adventures,

like paintball.
This is boring.

Well, I think
that's selfish, Abed.

If you were a friend
to Jeff and Britta,

you would see their relationship
as an adventure.

I hadn't thought
about it that way.

Oh, look at how they walk!

Clearly, the most important
tool to a tribe's survival

is here... the cross,
representing christianity.

- That's an ax.
- It's an ax?

Maybe it's the telescope.

You can look through it

Shrink your enemies!

I'll show you the tool

that's most important
to our survival.

But fair warning...
it's my penis.


Sorry I'm late.
I was in my car loving Britta.

I guess I just love you
too much.

Not half as much as me.


Jeff, do you think
you'll marry Britta?

I'd like to see someone
stop me.

I just peed a little.

Then here.


I got it, I got it, I got it!

Jeff Winger...

Will you marry me?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

- Aah!
- Aah!

I'll be right back.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Thank the lord
you're getting married!

I was so worried
about your souls

ever since you had
premarital sex on the table!

- Oh!
- Aah!

- Awesome!
- You told Shirley?

Well, there's no need
for secrecy now!

It was during
the paintball game.

Was there anything
you didn't win that day?


You slept with her
and then kissed me?

- Oh!
- What?

♪ Now they're in so deep ♪

♪ you know she's such
a fool for him ♪

♪ she has a ring
around her fin-ger-errr ♪

♪ and Abed hired
an Irish singer ♪

♪ Britta's marryin',
Britta's marryin' ♪

♪ Britta's marryin'
Jeffrey Winger ♪

What the hell is this?

A wedding.

- Abed, there's no wedding.
- Cold feet?

Talk it over with your
best man George Clooney.

What's up?

He's a George Clooney

but still,
razzle dazzle, right?

- Abed.
- Hmm?

- Jeff made out with Annie.
- What? When?

- Where?
- Yeah, where?

That's inappropriate.
I'm assuming in the mouth.

It was after
the transfer dance.

Oh! So I tell you
that I love you,

and then you go outside

and stick your tongue
into a teenager.

What is wrong with you,

Well, Shirley,

since you have clearly
failed to grasp

the central insipid metaphor

of those twilight books
you devour,

let me explain it to you.

Men are monsters
who crave young flesh.

The end!

At least we have the decency
to be ashamed of it

and keep it a secret

instead of publicly blurting,
"I love you,"

to everyone who sleeps with us!

Oh, please!
I never loved you.


I win!
I win!

I win!
In your face!

So this was all a game?

Everything they do
is some sick competition.

Oh, like you hate competition.

How long did it take you
to kiss Jeff

after I told him
that I loved him?

Oh, that's right!

First Vaughn, now Jeff.

I better not smile
at that wall outlet,

or you'll fry your tongue off!

Way to hog all the girls, Jeff.

You know, when there's
three sprinkle donuts,

you don't eat one
and then lick another!

Anyone object to us being
referred to as donuts? No one?

I'm sorry we can't all be
as honorable as you, Troy,

and post Pierce quotes
all day on Twitter.

Wow. Is that
your lame attempt

to try and pass
the hot seat to me?

Nice try!

I'm "oldwhitemansays"?

No wonder he says everything
I'm thinking.

You bastard.

I'm just sharing what you say.

Yeah? Well, what if I shared
all the stuff you say?

He thinks all dogs are boys
and all cats are girls.

There's no way
to disprove that.

Have you ever seen a cat penis?

Where you going?

By the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you...


Oh, good, yeah, Abed.
Cancel us.

And while you're at it,
why don't you take your cutesy,

"I can't tell life from TV"
gimmick with you?

You know,
it's very "season one."

I can tell life from TV, Jeff.

TV makes sense and has
structure, logic, rules.

And likeable leading men.

In life, we have this.

We have you.

I'm on the clock
for another hour

if you want me to do
some Batman lines.

Not sitting
with your little group?

- The little group is done.
- Yeah, well...

accomplished, right?

- What does that mean?
- Come on.

I know you and Britta did it.

Isn't the whole reason

you got together
with those people

because you wanted
to bang the blond?

And now I hear that you
frenched the brunette.

What more could you have
gotten out of that group?

Good morning, class.

Let's dive in and hear
the results of your assignment.

Who wants to go first?

I don't know, Mr. Winger.

The last time I called on you,

I kinda got what the maku-maku
call dirt roaded.

Using it!

- Yeah, I-I'm sorry
about that.

It was a trick question.

The tool most important
to humanity's survival

wasn't any of the nine
in the box.

Go on.

The most important tool
is respect.



And the reason I know
respect is a tool

is because it is clearly
not a natural thing,

and we forget to use it
all the time,

and then we start
competing with each other

and exploiting each other

and humiliating each other
and controlling each other.

And we lose each other.

And without each other,
we'll go extinct.

And that's a fact.

Gay fact.

That's my answer, Professor.


Well, that's one answer.

Here's the one I had in mind.

Combining all nine tools,

you get this...

a deadlier weapon than
any one item in the box.

So I'm gonna use this
to attack you

and you use respect
to defend yourself.

- Uh--o--uh--

- oh!


Oh, my God!

I...Respect you!

That's why you fail!

- He's passing out!
- Oh, my God!

- Oh!
- Stay with us, buddy!

- Oh, thank God.
- Hello! Hello, Jeffrey.

- What happened?
- Professor Bauer got suspended,

and we got an automatic "a"
on our assignment.

Did someone throw urine
in my face?

Oh. Sometimes I surprise
myself under pressure.

Jeff, about the assignment.
We decided...

You had the right answer.

I think we need
a little more respect

and a little less passion.

Which will be easy for me

because I think
you're kinda gross now.


Pierce, I'm gonna delete
that Twitter account.

Your friendship
is more important

than 600,000 strangers.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you saying 600,000 people
read what I say on Twitter?

We gotta cash in on that!

How 'bout oldwhitemansays...
The TV show?


Who would watch that?

Speaking of bad
development strategy,

I owe you all an apology.

I was trying so hard to make
our first week a great one,

I didn't realize there was
something great in front of us

the whole time... an old woman
drinking her own pee.

- You're right.
- It's true.


I got a confession to make...
I took anthropology

because I want to be
a part of your study group.

- Oh.
- Oh!

I gotta do the honest thing
and just ask.

Is there any room
in this pocket

for a little spare Chang?

- Uh...W-we've been through
a lot today.

Give us a little time
to think it over.

Totally, totally, man.

Just think about it,
take your time,

and, uh...Let me know.

- Bye.
- See ya.

All right.

Oh! Poor guy.

Oh, we'll let him in

Says who?

Look, we have the strength
to survive anything.

What's the worst that can
happen with Chang?

- That's true.
- Yeah.

That's a good point.

I told you they hate you.

No. They said they just
needed more time.

They destroyed your life!

How much time
before we take revenge?

But they're my friends.

I'm your only friend!


Hah hah hah!

Ah hah hah hah!

- ♪ the class is...♪
- Mammalia.

♪ 'Cause boobies we gotta ♪

♪ order is primate,
family hominidae ♪

♪ but genius is...♪

♪ But you know you're into me ♪

♪ 'cause I am in the species
known as sapien ♪

♪ dogs used to eat me, but
now they bring the paper in ♪

♪ it's gonna take a lot
to get me away from you ♪

♪ damn damn ♪

♪ there's nothing
that a hundred men ♪

♪ or more could ever do ♪

- ♪ s-s-sapien ♪

♪ I bless the rains
down in Africa ♪

♪ oh, bless the rain ♪

♪ I bless the rains
down in Africa ♪

♪ I bless the rains
down in Africa ♪

♪ Africa ♪