Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 25 - Pascal's Triangle Revisited - full transcript

Thanks for a great year.
You got it.

Mr. Winger. I hope you will be
seizing the day this summer.

Thanks, Professor Whitman.

And I hope you'll be seizing
a more contemporary movie.

Looking good, Leonard.
Stroke or tai chi?

Tai chi.
Keep it up.

And keep up
whatever it is you're doing, Garrett.

It's called chillaxing. Duh.

Hey-hey, what's up, Jeff? Hi.

Hello, good morning, howdy.
Ha-ha-ha.

Wait, Jeff. I'll walk with you.



I'll see you.
Okay.

Uh, I got class in,
like, five hours, so...

All right, I'll see you, babe.

I can't believe I made it
through my first year of college.

I finally get to click send
on so many l-told-you-so e-mails.

Yeah, it's pretty great.
Not much could ruin today.

Hi.

Oh, shoot.
I forgot saying that summons him.

Will you two be attending
tomorrow's, uh, transfer ceremony

to send off all the students
leaving for so-called real schools?

There's a formal dance afterward.

How many dances
this school have?

Five. If you come to all of them,
you get one of these.

I assumed your whole posse
would be coming to the dance,



having heard the exciting news
about Britta.

Banana rhino.
Yeah, ugh...

Banana Sam Elliott.
Oh-ho-ho.

LeVar Banana Burton.
Ha-ha-ha.

Banana King Tut.
Here, give me that.

It's more like this.

Banana penis. Ha-ha-ha.

Sure you would've loved it
if he did it.

What?

What's happened to you and me,
Troy?

Remember how hard we laughed when we
first heard the term teacher's aids?

Yeah. And then we found out
a teacher did have AIDS.

So, what's everybody doing
this summer?

I'm taking the boys on a trip.

Money's tight, I hope I can
convince them for one more year

that motels
are tiny little theme parks.

Yeah, I got to find
a new place to live.

My dad wants me to leave the nest so he
feels less weird that his girlfriend's 20.

You could live in a pyramid.
Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, wait.

Abed.
Your dorm got a bunk bed, right?

Yep.

Um... Everyone has to go
to the transfer dance tomorrow.

I'm going.
My friend Gary's transferring.

Oh, good.
Finally.

Thank God.
Hope he transfers to hell.

More importantly,
our very own Britta Perry,

it turns out, has been nominated
for transfer queen.

Oh, that's nice.

What the hell is a transfer queen?
Like prom queen. You wear a sash.

There's a vote, and if you win
they put a crown on your head.

And I am so jealous,
I want to murder you.

Aren't you excited?
No.

How did I get nominated?
Don't let it upset you, Britta.

It's the last day of semester.
Nothing can ruin that.

Hi.
Amazing. He's like an evil genie.

Just spreading the news.

Some folks say "transfer formal"
isn't really rolling off the tongue,

so we're just gonna
call it the "tranny dance."

Much more Greendale.

What kind of community college
has a prom?

Proms weren't even cool
in high school.

It's that kind of crap that made me
drop out in the first place.

You know, you don't actually have to lie
on a sofa like it's a Woody Allen movie.

Thank you for telling me that
in the last session, dumbass.

Now, look, there are bugs
on the windshield of your mind,

you may never be able to squeegee
like a certain birthday party

attended by a rather enterprising
transient in a dinosaur costume.

But there are other more
recent streaks

that you might yet
be able to wipe clear,

like your adolescent fear
of being a so-called blow-up doll.

I really think this nomination
may actually help that.

So you think I'd feel better about
myself if I sexed up, went over there,

and really tried to be crowned
queen of the dingbats?

Precisely.
Wow.

Guess you really get what you
pay for with free therapy.

Ouch. That stung a little bit. Thanks.

Ugh.

I'll save you time.

He listens to you talk for a year,
then recommends a makeover.

Well, don't wear as much lipstick
as you did on Valentine's Day.

Your mouth looked
like a coin purse.

Se?or Chang, Greendale's foremost,
if only, Spanish teacher.

What can I do for you?
I am actually a student now.

But I was thinking, as a teacher,
and as my friend,

um, if you could help me
cheat my way through school.

I have a counterproposal.

How about I point out to you
we've never actually been friends,

then laugh at your
very well-deserved misfortune?

Let's just try that a second. Ahem.

No, Jorge, you killed it.
Are you going to Abed's kegger?

Heck, yeah. You know it, jefe.
Sweet.

You probably don't
wanna talk to me.

It's not junior high.

We're mature adults, Michelle.
We can talk.

I think I handled our breakup poorly.

Before I respond to that I'll have to
take an extra-strength vitamin duh.

Duh.

We started getting serious and I got
scared, it's possible I made a mistake.

Maybe we can talk about it
sometime.

I miss you.

Mm-mm.

Why don't you take a picture.
It will last longer.

Cool.

Dope kegger.
Thanks.

Funny.

You know, I spend so much time here, I
forget that we don't live together.

Then I think,
"What if we lived together?"

Here, I'm gonna check
on the other keg.

Hey, Troy, you ever seen
one of these? It's called a beer bong.

You're not supposed to inhale
though. I almost died outside.

Why does Abed hate me?
What, are you kidding? Look at him.

He probably hates America.

Hey, babe. Baby, guess what.

Your boyfriend
just got offered a spot

on the number one community college
Hacky Sack team in the nation.

Oh, my God, sweetie.
I'm assuming that's huge.

Of course it's huge.
Are you kidding me?

I mean, you know. I'm not into fame and stuff,
but I could be the next Vngwe Mackadangdang, Jr.

I know.

There's one thing, mountain flower, that's
that the, uh, school's in Delaware.

Thank you.

You know, if you don't go
to this dance tomorrow,

we are not gonna see
each other for months.

It's not a Jane Austen novel.
We have cell phones.

What? Aah... Oh.
Oh, jeez, sorry.

What are you doing?

You had hair I was gonna move.
You were gonna move my hair?

I don't know. Ever thought of yourself
as a guarded person, Britta?

Am I? Watch.

Ow!
See? It's alarming, right?

Right?

Oh. Oh, Professor Slater, hi.
What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, end of the year,
randomly wandering.

Hi, Jeff.
Are you two...?

No.
No. The two of you aren't...?

No.

No, just friends.
Same here.

Good for you.

Will I see you at the dance, Britta?

Kind of obligated, seeing
as I'm nominated for queen, so...

Oh. I thought you were all
into female empowerment.

What's more empowering
than a woman in a crown?

Just did my first keg stand.

Ha-ha. Can't feel my legs. Uhn.

# Dancing in your underwear #

# Taking air conditioner repair #

# So you can get a job #

# Greendale's the way it goes ##

Whoo! Ha-ha.

Our original school song by the
venerable Pierce Hawthorne. Ha.

He made that up. Hmm?

Everyone remember
to vote before the coronation.

The nominees are identified with sashes
that say, "Tranny Queen." Ha-ha.

By the way,
we do offer summer classes,

which are a great way to, um...

Um... Broaden your mind. Have fun.

Hi. You're here for me.
Guys. Guys.

Vaughn got recruited
to a college in Delaware.

I'm gonna go with him
for the summer.

Finally. A classic
last-day-of-school plot twist.

He's gonna be the next
Vngwe Mackadangdang, Jr.

It's a Hacky Sack guy.

Hey, you don't have to tell us
who Ingmar Mackadingdong, Jr. is.

Hmm.
Jeff, help me

with some refreshments.

Please don't tell anyone
until after I'm gone.

I'm not just going to Delaware
for the summer.

I'm transferring with Vaughn.

What? When did you decide that?

I spent three months
researching backpacks

before I chose the one
that I use now.

I don't want to be that person
anymore.

I want to live in the moment.

Well, for your and Vaughn's sake,
I hope it works out.

But on behalf of the rest of the group,
I hope it's a catastrophe.

You better visit.
Whoa.

I can't believe
nobody's taken this cookie.

Se?or Chang,
is there a word in Spanish

for someone who used to pretend
to be a professor

but was a teacher,
but wasn't actually a teacher,

and is now a student?

Is there a word for that? Oh.

If it was in Spanish, you wouldn't
know, would you? Bup-bup-bup.

Hit a professor, you'll get expelled.

I will find a loophole.

Oh. Good luck with that.
Then I'll kill you.

Dudley Moore.
Spray tan.

I'd go easy on that punch if I was you.
I've put in a little...

Hot person, hot people.

The two of them coming this way.
Which one do you want?

Hi, Jeff.
Hi, Jeff.

Oh. Ha-ha.
Oh.

Britta, you look great,
such a stunning improvement.

Wow, you look gorgeous.
It must've taken all day.

Oh, Jeff, you've got a...

Oh. It's right there.
I do? What?

Guys, guys, cleanest face ever.

Hey, am I okay?

Yes.
Yeah.

You know, Troy, uh, our study group,
after all we've been through,

we got to stick together.

You, me, and Jeff and Rain Man,

and big boobs and medium boobs
and black boobs, we're a family.

What's your point?

I've been looking at your situation,
and I'd like to make an offer.

Okay.

Am I black boobs?

Last call.

Study over.

What are you doing?
Just giving things a finale vibe.

Well, how's this for a finale vibe?

Pierce asked me to move in with him,
in his mansion.

More of a spin-off vibe,
but you should do it.

I thought we were friends.
We are.

Best friends, that's why
we shouldn't be roommates.

We'll end up fighting and putting a masking
tape line down the middle of our room.

We just won't get masking tape.

Troy. You should live
with someone who you like

but whose friendship wouldn't be altered
because of constant irritation, that's Pierce.

If you and I move in,
we jump the shark. That will end it.

Maybe you're ending it.

Oh, and for the record, there was
an episode of Happy Days,

where a guy
literally jumped over a shark,

and it was the best one.

I think I'm winning.

Winning tranny queen.
Yeah.

So, uh, isn't it nice that Jeff and
Slater are getting back together?

What?
Aha. And psych.

But they will get back together if
you don't stop competing with her

and start communicating with Jeff.

She already has a head start.
They slept together.

Holy macaroni with pepper jack.

When? Where?

During paintball in the study room
with Colonel Mustard.

Does it matter?
Well, now it does matter.

Where... Where
in the study room?

On the couches.

We use those.
Oh, get over it.

I've seen you shake the dean's hand.
Who knows where he's been?

Do you believe in soul mates? Oh.
Uh-huh.

Um, okay.
Now, don't be mad at me.

I didn't think that more than
one person would answer the ad.

Yes, dream coming true.

You guys are leaving already?
Yeah.

Got to be in Delaware
by tomorrow night.

Hey.

I'll see you soon.

Have a good summer.

I'll see you in the fall, Annie.

Mm.
Heh.

We're gonna miss you.

Yeah. You're the one that didn't
even want me in the study group.

Come on, that's not true.
Yeah, none of us did.

I say things others won't.
That has value.

Well, bye.

See you. Lates.

Bye.
Take care.

See you later. Good to know you.
Hang 10.

Good evening, Michelle.

Or may I say, Meow-chelle?

Who has your car keys?
They're in the taco meat.

Now, what say you and I
blow this pop stand,

and head off
for a spot of slap and tickle?

I mean sex, in case the
lingo hasn't made it to the States.

I think I'm probably leaving here
with Jeff.

Really?
I'm sorry, I just assumed that you two were done,

since, uh, ahem, Jeff and Britta did the...
The yankee doodle.

Oh, don't tell me that didn't make it to the States.
It clearly originated here.

Okay, we finished tallying all
36 votes, so everyone get ready.

Yo, Goldilocks. Drop the smirk.

I know about your grungy tumble, and I'm
sure it was the highlight of your diary

but it was during a pit stop
in something real.

You were the pit stop.

He used you to numb the pain
of not getting with me.

Jeff needs a girl who doesn't
just not wear underwear

because Oprah told her
it would spice things up,

he needs a girl who doesn't wear underwear
because she hasn't done laundry in three weeks.

He's been to flavor country now.

They should retire the table
we did it on.

Table?
Miss Britta Perry.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to go.

I just won a contest for being hot.

Oh, wow.

This is a huge honor.

This may come
as a surprise to you,

but I've never actually won
anything before.

Okay, well, you still haven't.
Uh...

I'm just listing the nominees,
so, not a great time to get cocky.

Okay. Christine Hollinsworth.

Britney Baker.

Miss Danielle Harman.

Amy Sm...

Jeff Winger,
do not get back with Slater.

I love you.

Psst, psst. Britta. Britta.

Your lipstick looks better.

Hey, man. How's it going?

Uh... Don't shoot the messenger
but everyone at this dance

is kind of waiting
for your reaction to all this.

Look, I'm trying to think, okay?

Yeah, that's cool. Take your time.

Hey, how's it going? You look great.

Very Fatal Attraction.

Thanks.
Uhn.

What's wrong with you?
I'm sick.

I don't know why.

Have you considered the 60-inch
diameter cookie you're eating?

How can something that's delicious
make me sick?

Unless too much of a good thing
is actually a bad thing.

My friendship with Abed
is a giant cookie.

I kinda got my own thing
going on now.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

First of all, I'm flattered.

Second,
have you ever heard of e-mail?

You love me?

Do you love me?

I have something to say.

Jeff, I love you.

I wonder where she got that from.
I'm sorry.

Do you have a patent
on loving people?

Would you like a patent
in getting your ass kicked?

Ack-uh-duh-buh-dee.
Okay, okay.

Can you stand over there?

And can you sit down, please?

Jeffrey, choose Britta.

Yeah, Team Britta.
Britta's lame.

Team Slater.

Bring Conan back.

It's been, uh, a great year.

Can't hear you.
No one can hear you.

I'm just gonna sneak right up here
and give you this, okay?

Uh... Hi, it's, uh...

Oh, come on,
who are you choosing?

l... I don't know.
Oh.

Come on, Jeffrey.

Everybody close their faces.

All right, he's got a lot on his mind.
Leave him alone.

I got it from here.

My name is Professor lan Duncan,
and I would like to rap for you.

No.
Drop a beat.

No, no beat.
Uh-oh.

# My name is lan Duncan
And I'm here to say #

# I'm going to rap to the beat
In a rapping way #

# I've got a real big penis
And I drink lots of tea ##

Okay, okay. No, no.
You know what, Duncan?

That's enough. You have a problem.
What? Why?

Oh. I have a problem?
Yes.

Who is it here
who has a Dalmatian fetish?

Oh, okay. Okay.

Well, that is an oversimplification,
and you are suspended.

Oh, come on.
You're not a teacher anymore.

What's this?
A roll of quarters. Why?

Funny question.

Friends, help me, friends.

I'll do it. I'll move in with you.

Fantastic, buddy.

Come over on Saturday?
My tailor will fit you for a uniform.

Pull him out. Pull him out.

I thought you left.

I couldn't go.
What happened?

I guess as we were driving away,
I finally started living in the moment

and I realized that, in the moment,
Greendale is where I belong.

What are you doing out here?

Oh, you know, Britta and Slater
told me they loved me.

Really?
Yeah.

What did you do?
I ran away.

I don't know. It's hard.

Slater makes me feel like I do when
I write my New Year's resolutions.

She makes me feel
like the guy I want to be.

And Britta makes me feel like the guy
I am three weeks after New Year's,

when I'm back to hitting my snooze
button and screening Mom's phone calls,

back to who I really am.

So do you try to evolve or do
you try to know what you are?

I don't know.

I wish I could live two lives.

One of me would go with Vaughn,
and one of me could stay here.

Yeah. One of me be back with Slater,
the other could try it with Britta.

And then we could all get together
for some weird foursome.

Um, I guess I gotta go deal with it.

Good luck.
Heh.

Um... I'm glad you're staying.

Oh, my God. I'm finally popular
enough to be in the yearbook.

What do you mean video yearbook?
Where do I sign?

Photo not available.

This better not be one of those
take-your-top-off videos.

I don't believe in yearbooks.

I just want people to remember
there's a guy in between these things.

Heh. What a year.
Only two pregnancy scares.

I give this year a D for delightful.

I can't believe I spent ten bucks on this.
I don't know any of these people.