Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - Accounting for Lawyers - full transcript

Why is everyone wearing those hats?

Is the dean planning
another ridiculous event,

or is the Greendale hat club
still struggling to be noteworthy?

- You're talking about it.
- I talk about lots of stuff annoys me.

Speaking of the dean...

Guten tag, homies.

I hope you'll all be
attending Oktoberfest.

It's not often we get
to celebrate German culture.

It's not often we want to.

- Yeah... a little goes a long way.
- True.

Greendale's Oktoberfest
has never drawn huge crowds,



probably due to our diversity.

So this year,
we are adding some color!

Kick it!

I'm give this to you, Troy.

"Pop and Loktoberfest."

The central event will be
a pop-and-lock-a-thon.

Winner gets to annex Poland.

Kidding!

The winner gets an Itune gift card. Ok

A break-dance contest.
What should we name our team?

- Ok, I'm gonna go hang myself in my closet.
- I'm coming with.

Is it me, or is this campus
getting more cartoonish every day?

Yep. It's exciting. I painted a tunnel
on the side of the library.

When it dries, I'm going for it.



Can you see that guy over there?
The one wearing the Gucci suit

and the lightweight
woven wool-mohair blend?

- We used to work together.
- Cool. So he's from your origins.

This is all I need.

Excuse me, sir.
You're all my friend needs.

Your mouth isn't curved upwards.
Did I misread something?

Tango?

Sundance.
We worked with different partners.

Got it.

Hey.

- What brings you to Greendale?
- I'm a teacher.

Wait, that's worse than the truth.

I'm a student.

Hey, I'm in no position to judge.
I'm here for an NA Meeting, so...

- Narcotics anonymous?
- Remember when you asked for my secret,

I said yoga?
I lied.

- I'm Abed.
- Abed, this is Alan Connor.

This guy and I

used to wipe the courtroom floor
with prosecutors.

DA called us the litterbugs,
we put much trash back on the streets.

Come here!

- You still ticklish?
- Stop that

- Hey, let's get a drink?
- Are you allowed?

Yes. I quit doing blow,
not being rad.

- All right, let's do it.
- Wait, Jeff can't go. He has class.

Well, those cargo pants
would suggest otherwise.

- What has this place done to you?
- You have no idea.

Hat club!

Now you have some idea.

2x02 - Accounting for Lawyers

So...

So?

Anyone that's ever been in a team

pop-and-lock-a-thon knows you need
seven people to stand a chance.

- We have seven.
- Oh, Do you?

Word has it on campus that
Winger's too busy hanging out

with his cool new lawyer friend.

Slow news day.

- That's your Carson?
- Jon Stewart.

- You depress me.
- Look, we'll get back to you.

Allright, but don't take too long.

And don't rip off this exit.

Where is Jeff?

Obviously hanging with Alan.

Those two are like Siamese twins
attached at the cell phone holster.

I haven't met him yet.

Shouldn't we be happy
that Jeff found an old friend?

Our concern is Alan is to Jeff
what Rob Lowe was to James Spader

- in the 1990 film Bad Influence.
- He's a bad influence.

You saw it?

Hey, guys

I'm gonna be
a little bit late today.

Alan and I are gonna take
a quick sidebar.

Or any bar.

He's got Britta down!

You look familiar.

Possible.

Have you or someone you know
been injured at work?

Yes.

- A shrimp boat ran over my cousin.
- That's serious. Call me.

And Jeff, you need to be more respectful
of our time.

Shirley, if I killed a man, as a Christian,
would you forgive me?

I would.

Then either that man's life
is worth less than your time,

or it's okay for me to be late.

Haha, no!

You still got the moves, man.

If they gave away awards
for mind games,

the statue'd be Jeff Winger
doing it to a brain.

Come on, Jeff's bush league.

I gave seminars on manipulation.

I could reach into a man's soul
and unravel it with one tug.

Cool. Hit me.

You're bald.

- So are you.
- I'll kill you!

- Come here!
- Mistrial.

Come on man.

I have hair.

Father, I have hair.

- On a tax evasion case.
- Yeah

God, I miss talking
about this stuff!

- Well, you should visit the office.
- Right.

I can't show my face there
after getting busted like that.

Jeff, you know what lawyers call someone
who defrauds the state bar,

cheats on his lsats,

and cons his way into a firm?

Best...

Lawyer... Ever.

Seriously?

Hey, tomorrow night. Office party.
You're my guest.

Come on, you just said you missed it.

I do.

I really, really do.

- What does Alan have that we don't?
- A butt for Jeff's wiener.

I mean, we all have butts, too.
We have butts.

Just not for the same thi...
I'm trying to say they're gay.

I don't like how much drinking
and carousing they do.

It's a gateway to narcotics.

Narcotics!
I know how I know Alan!

But I'm not allowed to say.

Which means that you met him
in narcotics anonymous.

- Why bring it up if you're not allowed?
- Because...

He said something at a meeting
about something bad he did.

And he might have done it to Jeff,
but I can't say what it is.

Ok, you've gone from precious
to annoying.

What if you don't say out loud but we guess?

Like charades?

With this group? I'm watching.

Four words.

"Alan got Jeff disbarred."

Those junkies weren't think about rules
when they were shooting up scag.

- Jeff, Alan narced on you!
- Narced?

But he's like way too primo for that,
Frank Zappa.

I think he turned you in to the state bar.

I was in an NA Meeting,

and he bragged about it.
He doesn't recognize me,

because my hair's longer,
my skin's clearer,

- I've lost a lot of weight.
- Annie.

He said he turned me in?

He said he sent an email
that got a rival coworker fired.

It was the time you got caught.

I know they never covered this
on Yo gabba gabba,

but that's called circumstantial.

Any other meaningless
conspiracy theories?

Yes. Did you know that go-gurt
is just yogurt?

You know what a therapist calls
this kind of a relationship, right?

A gold mine.

Codependent.

You guys don't want me to be happy.
You want me to need you.

It's getting a little claustrophobic.
I used to run full-speed

through the boundless wilderness,
and now I'm in the zoo,

where the horizon is wallpaper
and the air is stale

and nothing is ever at stake.

In other words, we're not cool.

I never said it. You may have heard it.
I may have thought it,

and it may be true.
But I never said it.

Jeff, will we see you tomorrow night,
at the pop-and-lock-a-thon?

No, Abed, I'm going to a cool party
at my cool former law firm

from when my life was cool.

Fine.
You can be on the team.

New deal.

If we win,
I get to be in the study group.

The stakes have never been higher.

I just wanna thank everybody for coming.

When I became a lawyer,

I had a dream.

I had a dream that one day
I'd be head of a firm

so nobody would be able to talk
about the big, weird hole in my hand.

I know everybody talks about it
behind my back, and that's OK.

You know, I would.

What's great, though,
is that you don't stare

or ask any questions.

And as a reward for your restraint,

got a little something for you.

There.

That oughta keep you going
to Christmas. Have fun tonight!

Anyone else with that hand
would wear a glove.

He controls a room with it.

He's the master.

Well, he sure is a fan of yours.

Hey, when you talk to him,

will you mention me?
He keeps passing me over for partner.

Alan, did you invite me here
with an ulterior motive?

God, I miss this place!

God, it's a sea of Wingers.

This whole place reeks
of moral ambiguity.

Actually, that was me.
I apologize.

Now, you guys are new
to high society,

so just... follow my lead,
everything will be fine.

First, why are you here?
Second, I don't care. Leave.

As a matter of fact, Jeff,
we were invited.

Why would anyone do that?

Hey, you guys made it!

Come on in.

Ok, before this gets more embarrassing,
what is your misguided plan?

To apologize to you
for casting aspersions

- on your friend.
- And to show you we can be cool.

Hey, is that Jeff Winger?

Find Annie and leave.

Ted! Hey man!

- What's going on?
- Wow.

Once Annie gets Alan's office number,
you guys break into his office,

hack into his emails,

and find proof
that he screwed Jeff over.

Fourth floor. 470.

First he said it was 69.

I wanna rub purell on my brain.

You are so missed here, Jeff.
If we had five guys with your balls,

- we wouldn't need 30 lawyers.
- True, but we'd need a good doctor.

Ted, stop hittin' on my date.

I'm kidding.
We can share.

I get the head!

I love the brain in there!

I'll eat it.

Everybody, Jeff Winger's here!

Shouldn't we notify someone

that our team's not gonna make it
to the pop-and-lock-a-thon?

You actually think anybody cares?

Checking in
for the Heather Pop and Locklears.

- Where's the rest of your team?
- They'll be here.

Nice. You are allowed to start by yourself,
but you won't stand a chance

- if you don't have someone...
- They'll be here!

I brought stuff
people use for capers.

Suction cup.

Credit card.

Chloroform. If the card doesn't work,
the chloroform does.

Annie, go back and keep lookout.

Why me lookout?
Why not you?

'Cause if someone comes up here,
Kanye and Kumar get taken to jail.

- You, get taken to dinner.
- You guys!

I'm the smartest one in this group,

and all I've been used
for is bait and distraction.

Go on your stupid mission.
I hope it sucks.

- What did she say?
- I dunno.

All I heard was suck.

I'm surprised
Alan hasn't made partner yet.

I'm surprised I haven't fired him.

Why? I mean,
he's got a better win record than I do.

He's a spineless trust fund jagoff.

I'll tell you what, Jeff.
You're the best liar I ever employed.

If you can look me in the eye,

and tell me you actually like Alan,

I'll make him a full partner.

I only ever really liked one person.

My mom.

And... she liked my dad.

And after all the dust
and custody was settled,

the guy I really admired,
not liked, admired,

was the lawyer leaving the courthouse
in the great-looking suit

and a sky blue Mercedes SLK.

- Sweet ride.
- Sweet job.

Sweet life.
He didn't care, he couldn't care.

And the less he cared,
the better he was.

We are a special breed

because we rise above
the sloppy stuff

and look at the bottom line.

You wanna like your employees?
Open a hair salon.

You wanna win?
Make Alan partner.

The student has become the master.

Thank you, Jeff.

You make me wanna be a worse man.

By the way, just 'cause you can't work cases here
doesn't mean you can't work.

You know, be a consultant.

Ted, that would be amazing.

I'll be right back.

Hey Jeff, I'm sure you know Philip.

Did you know that if I sleep
with Philip once a month,

I can use his beach house
in Rio whenever I want?

Wow.

You guys are really on to something.

I think you found
the world's newest profession.

Guys guys, did you know I have a civil case,

against that bitch
that stole my husband?

Shirley, don't sue a stripper.

- Why not?
- She's a stripper.

Life sued her, and she lost.
Where's Pierce?

Why am I even worried about him?

Did you know there's an island in Indonesia
where you can hunt people?

We need to talk.

- I think this is it.
- Print it.

Nice

Excuse me!

Who are you, guys?
This is not your office.

I can explain.

Let me explain.

Oh my god.

- I didn't know what to do.
- Oh my God!

I usually have one foot out of reality,
and even I'm freaking out right now.

You chloroformed the janitor?!

- Stop yelling at me! You are the ones you got caught!
- You're the one who's yelling!

We're in big trouble!
We have to do something!

I don't know what to do.
My whole brain is crying!

Guys! guys! guys!

Hey, I have an idea.

Ok, it may sound a little weird,
but trust me.

What's happening?

We all got chloroformed!

Somebody chloroformed all of us.

And now we're regaining consciousness. Together.

I don't understand.
Who's she?

Why is she holding a rag?

Ok, that was the worst idea ever.
Can we please, just run away now?

It is the fourth straight hour,

and Ben Chang is still on his own.

One can only imagine
what is driving him to...

push himself to such limits!

My body hurts.

My body hurts.

You jealous because we're fitting in
with your cool friends?

No. I'm distracted,
watching you mutate.

Britta, you're not a whore.

Shirley, Jesus turned the other cheek.
He didn't garnish wages.

Pierce. Do I even need to say this?
It is bad to hunt man for sport.

Bad ass.

This is the email
that Alan sent the bar association.

He stabbed you in the back, Jeff.
He's a bad friend.

You're right.

He is a bad friend.

But he is a good lawyer.

Now, I appreciate you guys caring,

but you have to understand
that I don't.

Caring is lethal around here.

It's a disease.

You guys have it.
I don't.

So if you do care about me,
don't infect me.

Now, go win that pop-and-lock-a-thon.

I'll see you Monday.

It's like watching a soul
slip through our fingers.

But what more can we do?

Would you stop?

Tango.

I don't know how you did it, man...

but you're looking at
the firm's next partner.

If I wasn't actively repressing
my bi-curiosity,

I would kiss your beautiful mouth.

Well, maybe you can return the favor one day.

Maybe, I can return it right now.

You probably know that someone here
at the firm turned you in.

God, this is really hard.

It's okay.
You can tell me.

It was Thompson.

- Thompson.
- Yeah.

Thompson, that adopted three at-risk teens

and donated his kidney to a temp.

All an act.

Yeah, why do you think he quit
right after you left?

Well... his wife died.

Did she, Jeff?

Did...

she?

Anyway... congrats.

Let's go do some shots with Phil.

No, you go ahead, I...

I think I caught something
at Greendale.

College chicks.
I get ya!

You're bad!

Shamone... It hurts.
Shamone...

It hurts!
Shamone... It hurts!

Ben, switch up your moves.

Wow, do my eyes deceive me?

Troy Barnes
baggin' in for the save.

Only two teams left.

The Poppy Lockstockings,
and the Heather Pop and Locklears!

- Troy, what's wrong?
- I don't know.

My heart's just not in it.

Maybe we should quit. I mean,
who even cares about this anyway?

Next stop looks like Jeffrey Winger.

Jeffrey, you're back!

- Did you miss me?
- Took you long enough.

Now we got it.

Jeffrey, did you punch Alan
in his rotten face

- and storm out?
- Hell no, that guy's useful to me.

Thanks to you, I've now got leverage

over a spineless jag
that just made partner.

That is the place I want to work.

But I prefer to hang out
with cool people, people so cool...

They care.

And now, the puppet.

No parking
on the dance floor, Winger.

No, I'm serious, you're disqualified.
The winners are the Poppy Lockstockings!

Terrific!

No!!

I been popping and locking
for five hours,

and you threw it all away!

The contest doesn't matter.

What's important
is we have each other.

Then, can I be in your study group?

Well, that wasn't the deal.

We lost, so...

- That was dope, what we did.
- That was so good!

- The puppet too!
- The puppet was so...

I rolled my ankle during that.

You know what, he's bringing us down.
Let's move him. Can we move him?

Tsss, Troy.

It's me.

Abed?

I made it through!
I'm a cartoon now.

- That's impossible.
- Nothing's impossible in here.

Animals can talk.
Your heart is shaped like a heart.

And the smell of pie
can make you float.

You have to believe, Troy.

- Wait! You don't have to believe.
- I didn't.

I didn't.

I may have done some damage there.