Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - Football, Feminism and You - full transcript

A small fading remnant of a star.

- A white dwarf.
- That's right!

I used a memory technique.

Dwarves hate being called midgets,
and midgets are small.

And... what does a star turn into
after it collapses?

- A movie of the week.
- Black hole.

Right! You could be an astronomer.

As far as I'm concerned,
only one black hole's worth studying.

It's called Sagittarius A,
is located in the center of our galaxy,

and has the density of 40 suns.

Just like my weiner.



You said weiner.
That's funny.

Pierce and Troy didn't get along,
now they bond through adolescence.

Shut up, fart head?

Look at this group
having some kind of meeting

and being so diverse.
There is just... Boy!

There is just one of every kind of you,
isn't there?

We are missing a pipsqueak,
but we don't want one, so beat it.

That's the Dean.

Are you kidding?
Sorry.

- Just my luck.
- It's okay. Don't let me interrupt.

Sometimes I just roll around campus
like a little football.

I can't believe this.

Here I am in a random conversation
about football,

and I'm talking to Troy Barnes,
star quarterback from Riverside High...



Did you know
that Greendale has a football team?

Did you know they had a football?

Very funny.

I was sorry to hear about your injury.
But now that you have recovered,

we would love for you to play
for the Human Beings.

The team's name is the Human Beings?

My idea. It was the Greendale Grizzlies,
but I thought...

a lot of these students have been called
animals their whole lives.

Unfortunately,
I dunno what to do about the mascot.

I can help you with that.

I have a wealth of experience
in image management,

icon development,
and Y2K preparedness.

Well, aren't you found money?

All of your friends are lining up
to turn Greendale around.

- How about you?
- He isn't interested in football.

Getting injured in keg stand
was the best thing to him.

Yoko ono much?

Bros before hoes, Troy.

Listen, man. No offense,
but I was the best, I finished on top.

I wouldn't play for this school.

Dean, I'm sure
Troy will sign up for football

if and when some accident damages
the part of his brain that feels pride.

- Until then, would you excuse us?
- Well...

if you change your mind,
the field is always open.

Figuratively speaking.
Wednesdays and Sundays,

it's used as parking overflow
for the mega-church.

Let's meet the minimum requirements
for a language credit, shall we?

Yes, but I need to go
to the bathroom first.

No, I don't have to go.

I'll go with you.

She's offended?

Girls go in groups.

Did you learn nothing
from stand-up comedy in the '90s?

I'm familiar with the concept.
I'm just...

If it's important to Shirley,
I'll go with her next time.

I'm willing to try
some more mainstream feminine stuff.

Well, then you should know
that nothing says "I'm a woman"

- like doing it with me.
- Nothing says, "I'm a pig" like you.

Will they or won't they?
Sexual tension.

It makes the group uncomfortable

when you talk about us
like we're characters in a show.

That's sort of my gimmick.

But we did lean
on that pretty hard last week.

I can lay low for an episode.

You sure you made the right call
on the football team?

It looks like they won something once.

"Most valued customer.
Henderson trophy cases."

So we should still study
a little more astronomy later.

Maybe over some Milky Ways
or some Mars bars.

Or pancakes!

"I'm Jeff.
And I'm a student at Greendale."

That's not good.

Wood undergoes
rapid oxidation

because it reacts
spontaneously to...

Seriously,
we've talked about this.

You got to turn off
your cell...

- That's mine. My bad.
- I'm going to the bathroom.

Would you like to come with me?

Well, yes, I would.

That's nice!

Okay, what's it called?

Antoni... An... Hold on.

Does anyone have a pen?
Pen?

No one has a pen.

Why would you not bring a pen
to class?

Idiot.
No, you're not an idiot.

I had my blinker on about 5 minutes,
and this no-good, clearly bald

but trying to hide it
with a bandana loser swooped right in.

- Couldn't believe.
- Maybe he didn't see you.

- He saw me!
- Maybe he had his blinker on too.

Maybe. So you...
got any family, Britta?

Yeah, whatever.

Think my mom
might visit this weekend.

She and I are gonna get makeovers
at that spa...

Makeovers.
They sure have us programmed, right?

I am a female pleasure unit.

I require a new coat of paint.

- Just something I thought might be fun.
- Here's something I think might be fun.

Find out the number of makeup companies
that are owned by women.

I'll save you the trouble.
It's zero.

But of course you're saying,
"Britta, aren't you a hypocrite?

"You're plastered with glitter and goo
from head to toe, like the rest of us."

Well, I also pay income tax
and pull over for cops,

but that doesn't mean I support...

Thanks for offering to help
design the new mascot.

- I have been a little stumped.
- That's no problem.

By the way, I took the liberty
of thumbnailing a Human Being prototype

which I modeled
after Da Vinci's Vitruvian man.

The penis is a little small,
I think.

I think it's...

It... looks a lot like you.

Here's the thing.
If we are the Human Beings, you know,

and we have a white guy as a mascot,
what message are we sending?

Our symbol should reflect the diversity
of our school and our species.

So... black?

No, because we're not
the Greendale Blacks,

or the Greendale Asians
or any other creed.

We are the Greendale Human Beings.

Sorry to disturb you.

Who are clearly looking at a drawing
of Pierce doing jumping Jacks.

- Dean, a quick download, please?
- Absolutely. Excuse me.

Fill me in later.

I'll go with a pencil.

First of all...

- I'm flattered.
- You're a very photogenic man.

Is that real bed head,
or do you put something in there?

- Crispy.
- Thinking about the disembodied heads,

I thought, where's the heart?
The soul?

Where's the different poster design?

I did think those
were less than personable,

which is why
I went with the full bodies

in these mailers we have going out.

Mailers?
I didn't give permission for this.

Did you not read the release agreement
on the back of your registration form?

I'm starting to see
why someone used to be a lawyer.

- Up top!
- If someone from the outside...

If someone were to find out
I am a student at a community college,

that could have a negative impact
on my future career.

Goodness.

Look what we have stumbled onto...
an opportunity to help each other out.

I suppose I wouldn't need
this promotional campaign

if I could announce to the press
Troy Barnes is playing football here.

I think he's been pretty clear
about declining that offer.

If you said "jump",
he'd say "how high?"

If you said "stop",
he'd say "hammertime".

- You starting to get what I mean?
- No. I need another example.

You know, I didn't realize before,

we should send those
out to local businesses.

Law firms.

Lawyer...

companies?

Legal...

gatherings?

- You trying to blackmail me?
- I think so.

Gentlemen...

I present to you
the Greendale Human Being.

That's a falcon with a gun.

Now it's a falcon with an erection.

He's just laying low.

- You going to the bathroom?
- Yes.

- I'll go with you.
- You know what? I'm good.

She probably just, you know,
had to go number two.

- What's the closest planet to Earth?
- Planet Hollywood.

That's not the right answer.
But it shows how fun astronomy can be.

- Can I talk to you for a sec?
- We're studying, so Troy's busy.

Well, the galaxy's not going anywhere.
I'll bring him back.

You ever miss being a quarterback?

I miss being the best at something.

I miss having a coach.

I miss knowing what to think.

You still know what to think.

- Good.
- For instance,

after the Dean talked to you,
you and I were thinking the same thing.

He looks like Moby!

We were thinking...
what if Troy did play for Greendale?

You'd be surprised at how many
of your favorite football players

got started at community college.

Really? Name one.

- Who's your favorite player?
- Me.

Maybe you and I should go check out
the Greendale thunderdome.

The dome arrives later.

It comes with thunder.

Let me tell you
a little secret about me.

Every day on my way to school,

I drive through downtown
past the courthouse

just to get a glimpse of the world
that I once ruled.

And I just wanna jump out of my car,
run up the steps

and exploit the legal system for profit.
But I can't.

I'm locked out of my old kingdom.

You're not.
You see what I'm saying?

- You're saying I could be a lawyer.
- I'm saying you're a football player!

- It's in your blood!
- That's racist!

- Your soul.
- Racist.

- Your eyes?
- Gay?

- That's homophobic.
- Black.

- That's racist!
- Damn.

When you played, you were a God.

Now you're not playing,
and you're not.

I'd tell you to do the math,
but math isn't important.

The only thing important is this.

- But Annie said...
- That Benjamin Button was compelling.

Look, she's a smart girl,
but sometimes she's just wrong.

85... go long!

It's like a drug, isn't it?
Feel it, Troy. Throw it!

The scoreboard lights up.

There will be a scoreboard there.

It's complete!
Nice catch!

The girls, the glory,
the scouts, the career!

It starts when you join this team.

- Is that linebacker a pregnant woman?
- Look, you can meet them later.

But this decision has to be yours,
T-Bone.

And this decision has to be yes.

How did you know about T-Bone?

Because you're a football player,
and your name begins with "T".

Your name... begins...

with "T".

Are you finished?

I have to go, but apparently,

I failed yesterday's tryouts
for the position of bathroom companion.

- I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings.
- You didn't hurt my feelings.

I don't need to go to the bathroom
with other people.

Was trying to throw you a bone.
I like you.

You can keep that bone.

Listening to a story about a stranger
pissing me off and taking his side?

You can't talk about your own business,
but you insinuate my mama's a robot.

Because she and I want makeovers.

That is the ladies' room,

a place where ladies go to share,
listen, support each other and...

discreetly eliminate waste.

And I like you too.
Even like that you're a little hard.

But if you can't learn
to be soft in there,

you need to pee alone.

I've peed alone my whole life.

Women have always hated me.

I don't even know how it started.

Maybe it was when I got boobs
before everyb...

Not out here.

In there.

Troy, Troy, the wonder boy!
You dropped your books, Poindexter.

- I've been waiting for an hour.
- It's all right, I'm worth it.

Hip, hop, body don't stop

Riverside got the broom,
don't need a mop

Put your team in a box,
put a ribbon on top

We're not John Kerry
'cause we don't flip-flop

Why you doing a conservative high school
shamefully outdated fight rap?

- Have you been playing football?
- Threw the skin around couple of times.

Still got it.

But you knew we had
an astronomy test tomorrow.

Class blows.

What I need to know about the universe
is that I'm at the center of it.

Bing, bong, sing along

Your team's Al Gore
'cause your views are wrong

Don't become this person again.
This isn't the real you.

This is the arrogant Jock

that totally ignored the only people
that truly liked him

for non-superficial reasons
but couldn't say anything

because their parents are bigots!

Football is bad for you, Troy.

Jeff said you'd say that.

What now?

I think if we add in
a little bit of Phylicia Rashad,

- we'll be in better shape.
- That beige is a little light.

We are developing
the perfect mascot.

No stereotypical identifiers
from any race or gender.

This is a chart of the features
we're staying away from...

Pan-asian eye folds,

- irish chins, women's breasts.
- Is that Seal?

That is our human color wheel.

It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.

- So?
- Not being racist is the new racism.

What happened to the prototype?

I left the nose in the kiln.

So... Troy is gonna play football.

Which means
I'll be getting rid of these.

I won't mail these out,
but they are staying with me

until the press announces
that Troy is a part of the team.

And I want him
at that pep rally tonight.

Reporters are gonna be there.
We're gonna unveil the new mascot.

And things are finally
going to start turning around.

My ex-therapist is gonna think twice

before he makes fun of my job!

Here it is. Still hot.

I'm gonna get some more coffee.
You want anything?

A Desmond Tutu with just enough cream
to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.

La bamba.

I've been following you.

How much did the Dean pay you?

I'm not having a conversation
with someone who emerges from a bush.

- Because I'm right?
- Because I'm not in a commercial.

The Dean has pictures of me, okay?

Horrible pictures of me...

attending his school.

And for that you'd convince Troy
to flush life down footballs toilet?

Britta's right,
you are the most selfish person alive!

And all that is gonna end right now.
I'm telling him what friend you are.

Maybe you should tell him
you're hopelessly in love with him.

High school must have been tough, huh?
Waiting for a superstar to notice you.

But here... here...

he's all alone,
and he needs so much help!

Did you enroll in all of his classes,
or you worried that might freak him out?

The important thing
is that you are there for him.

The important thing is that
you are the only one there for him.

You don't really care
what he wants...

as long as you don't have to share him
with the rest of the world.

Because, really,
you are just as selfish as I am.

You're just not as good at it yet.

You're right.

I could never be as good as you.

Probably because I actually care.

Profound,
but technically meaningless.

Don't bother trying that thing
women do where they walk away

and make the guy feel like crap,
because it won't happen!

Damn it.

Will you please come
to the bathroom with me?

Where's Shirley?

Shirley's not coming.

But I'm here...

to listen... girl.

Why do we inflict so much pain
on ourselves for men?

I don't...

know... sweetie.

Maybe...

it's because men
make the world go round?

Kleenex?

I've been...

I've been infatuated with Troy.

Now he's joining football.

He'll have his pick of the litter
and...

I'll never get to be with him!

Screw him!

There are guys out there
that would kill to be with you.

And if Troy isn't one of them,
that's him failing your standards.

You got that?

You're right.

I can't control him.

If I truly cared about him,

I wouldn't want to.

Thanks for talking to me, Britta.

It really helped.

Seriously?

Who's my girl?

I did it, I did it!

Yes, you did!

Human Beings, Human Beings!

- Don't go in there, man.
- What?

You got the most
you were ever gonna get out of football.

A life of disillusionment and depression
begins on the other side of that door.

Is this your first pep rally
or something?

You told me football was
the most important thing in the world.

Well, buckle up. I was exaggerating.
It's kinda my gimmick.

- Let me tell you...
- No, I tell you.

You know that keg flip
that cost me my scholarship?

I hurt myself on purpose.

What?

There was a scout coming
to the final game at Riverside and...

I couldn't take the pressure,
so I took the easy way out.

But when you showed me that field,
I saw there was nothing to worry.

I could play football for the fun of it.
Have you seen these guys?

- There is nowhere to go but up.
- Dude, we have feelings.

I don't know about you,
but I know I ended up here

because things weren't that great
out there.

You should try accepting
where you're at.

Take a pottery class or something.

Greendale, we're number one!

Nancy Pelosi is no fun!

I've decided to support Troy.

They deploy things in football, right?
I went for rhyme over clarity.

I'm really sorry about before.

- I just think we were both wrong.
- Really?

Because I'm an 18-year-old girl,
and you made me cry in public.

Maybe I was a little more wrong.

I should grow up
and make peace with being here.

It's not like Greendale's gonna kill me
or anything.

Holy crap!

Sorry. Say hello
to our ethnically neutral mascot...

The Greendale Human Being.

The costume makes it difficult
for him to see.

He can't move his mouth either.

Take it from me,
that's human for "Hello".

- Let's get you into the pep rally!
- Great idea. Let's do it!

- We've solved racism. What's next?
- Let's do something for little people.

- Or albinos!
- Little albinos.

This has the potential
to be a uniquely Greendale experience.

Milady.

Milord.

- Attention, students, this is Abed...
- And the disco spider...

Here at Greendale...

Say what?

A few quick announcements.
Announcement number one:

all announcements will be cool
starting right now.

Announcement number two: butt soup.

Announcement number three:

I am not Haji from Johnny Quest,
Jeff Winger.

In security news, you got to start
locking the door so we don't get in.