Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - Introduction to Statistics - full transcript

Will Jeff blow off Annie's Halloween party and sell out his other classmates in order to get a chance to score with a sexy professor?

As you know, all faculty at Greendale
are required to give extra credit

to students who organize
academically-related events

during what would otherwise
be known as our "free time."

No student in any department

has ever exercised
this option until now.

Tonight, in the library, I will be hosting
a D?a de los Muertos party.

Just relax, just relax.

D?a de los Muertos,
or Day of the Dead,

is sometimes referred to
as Mexican Halloween.

Which is
actually quite offensive

to people familiar with Mexican
Halloween as a sexual position.

At any rate, if you show up,
you get extra credit.

Me, I don't even get paid.

See you tonight.

Um, heh, heh.

Most of you responded to my Evite,
but some of you remain evasive, so...

Count me in.
This is my first college party.

I got some tequila,

and I just rented Van Wilder 2:
The Rise of Taj, and look.

you took off your wedding ring.

My husband's been gone
for six months.

So I think it's time for me
to embrace being single.

Message received.

I'm still waiting to hear
from Jeff and Pierce.

Oh, I thought I shot you a response
from this pocket phone here.

Access e-mail.

You're not going to Annie's party?
Oh, I have a conflict.

It conflicts with
the enjoyment of my life.

I cannot figure out the voice
command part of this thing.

It's like I'm my mother.

Calling mother.

Speaking of enjoying life, I don't
wanna beat a dead horse here,

but are you sure you don't see anything
non-platonic ever crystallizing between us?

I'm sure.
Okay, good.

Because one of my professors is really hot.
And I wanted to give you first right of refusal.

Hello? Pierce?

How's school going?

Are you popular?

I am headed through a tunnel
right now.

Wrong number.

Has that boy Jeff
stopped teasing you?

How's your Canadian girlfriend?

I saw your father's ghost again.
He's still angry.

The Bernoulli Distribution
is the number of successes

in a sequence of
independent yes-no experiments.

Okay. For the quiz Monday
brush up on chapters three and four.

Bernoulli's one of my favorites.

Little known fact,
statistics were not his only love.

He's famous for his French sauce
used on meat and poultry.

That's b?arnaise.

We may need to settle this
at a restaurant.

That's cute.

A little aggressive. But as a busy, confident woman
of authority I'm attracted to men who take charge.

You being sarcastic
or am I nailing it?

You were nailing it
until you had to ask.

Oh, damn it. Starting over.

Hey, you in the skirt, date me.
I'd like to, Mr. Winger.

You're tall, dress nice.

I've graded enough of your tests to know
I'd never feel mentally inadequate.

Thank you.
Only problem, I don't date students.

You know, if you agree to go...

Oh. Hey. Awkward.

How small is this campus?


It's fine, I don't care.

It's disgusting
the way men behave.

You ever see that Katherine Heigl movie poster,
where Gerard Butler had that heart over his wiener?

That resonated with me.

Okay, fine. But just to repeat,
I don't care what Jeff does.


I'm barely a student.
I'm older than you, I drive a Lexus.

I saw Ghost Busters in the theater.
Look, my gums are receding.

It's uncanny how many of
my buttons you're finding,

but I have a personal rule
about this and I stick to it.

Have a cup of coffee with me,
I can change your mind.

I know you can. That's why
you're not getting the chance.

Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo.

Are you coming to my party?
I'm definitely gonna try to swing by.

Then I can mark you down
as definitely being there

from 7:00 sharp
until question mark?

Here's the thing...
No, here's the thing.

I am putting my foot down,
do you understand?

I am being assertive,
and I am making eye contact,

and it is achieving results.
Trying to get formidable with me?

It worked on Pierce.
Infomercials work on Pierce.

Jeff, you're the cool guy, okay?

If you show up,
it will be the first party I host

where everyone doesn't say they need
to get home in time for the news.

This won't work.

The last time you did this,
I saved a vial of your tears.

And I've been slowly
building up an immunity.

I was so unpopular in high school,

the crossing guard
used to lure me into traffic.

This party is a second chance

at being hip, cool,


Look, I will come to your party.
Thank you.

I'm putting you down for two bags
of ice and a sleeve of paper cups.

Taking a pill?

Yes, I am.

My grandpa took that
around your age.

Helped him with his going problem.

By the time Grandpa got up in years, his
memory wasn't great. He'd mix the wrong pills.

You know how old people are.
Heard stories about it.

One time he started hallucinating and
ran down the street with no pants on,

which in the Gaza Strip is considered a real
party foul so you should probably be careful.

Look, I really don't need your advice,
and I'm not your pantsless grandpa.

Heh. "Pantsless grandpa."
Heh, heh.


You look great.



you look adorable.
Thank you.

I hate when women use Halloween as an
excuse to dress up like sluts, you know?


Okay, everyone.

I think we can begin.

I've got everyone's personalized
cookie tombstones, por tradici?n.

And, in a few minutes we're going
to start the Dance of the Dead,

La Danza de los Muertos.

You don't have to keep doing that.
Party on.

Nice of you to be here, I'm sure you'd
rather be out with your hot professor.

Well, it's funny.
I enrolled here as a selfish Ioner.

But you and the group have given
me a crash course in friendship.

She blew you off, huh?
She's grading papers.

Professor Slater?

She's not grading papers, she's at
the faculty party in the cafeteria.

Oh, look. It's the
eavesdropping matador.

Are you saying
my people are sneaky?


There is a
storm building on the horizon,

but you and I
will save the night.

Chex mix, pretzels,
baby carrots.

Predictable but appetizing.


Can I ask you something that I
always wanted to ask real Batman?

Am I good-looking?
You're a very attractive young man.

I knew it.

Let's get this party started.

Who are you?

I am the Beastmaster.

From the movie, Beastmaster.

What rock
have you been living under?

What are you going as?
A gay douche bag?

Just kidding.
Nice one.

I'm not much of a costume guy.

You're not much of
a liking-ladies guy either.

Oh. Body blow.

Is that liquor?

Here's your drinks, mates.

Oh. Thanks, Urkel.

I'm Harry Potter.

What up, Urkel?


All right. What are you taking?

Huh? Oh.

You know, the usual cool stuff.

I've got ludes, dreamers,
Johnny Boys.

Tell you what, I'll...

I'll trade you one of mine
for two of yours.

I don't know, Star-Burns, I'm...

Oh, sorry. I thought I was
dealing with the Beastmaster.

Hey. Who said you weren't?
Heh, heh, heh.

Saddle up, fruit pie.

Don't mind if I do. May I?

Here, take this.

Give anyone that shows up
their stupid credit.

You going to the faculty party?
Make me your plus one.

Give it up, Winger.
Professor Slater doesn't date students.

Or married Asians
who drive mopeds.

I'll give you 20 bucks.

I'll bring the hog around.

Okay, it's time for
the Dance of the Dead.

Everyone form a circle.

Lights. Music.

Is it under genre
or on a specific play list?

Hey, man, what'd you slip me?

I keep grinding my teeth
and I wanna kiss everybody.

What did you slip me, man?

My heart stopped racing
and I can't pee.

Now, for the first dance,

I would like to invite
a very special guest to the floor.

Jeff Winger?


Where's Jeff?

Please slow down.

Stop crying, Winger.

Watch it!

Is Jeff gone?

You know, I'm gonna go.
I don't wanna miss the news.


He just stepped out.
He's gonna be right back.

He's going to
the faculty party.

To be with Professor Short Skirt?
We hate her.

No, it's not about her,

I can't believe that
Jeff would do this to Annie.

Yes, absolutely, it's about Annie.

We should go find that bitch's car
and snap off her antenna.

It's like high school all over again.

Everyone's leaving.

Not me.

I can do this all night.

I love you.

There you go, pretty lady.

What are you doing here?
Showing you my non-student side.

I have to admit, this
outfit is doing it for me.

I may or may not have been deflowered
by a junior rodeo champion.

You remind me
of my first time too.

You lost your virginity
to Robin Hood?

No, with an attractive woman
at a party.

We seem destined to repeat history.

I told you, no students. It's unseemly.
I go out with you, you tell your friends.

What friends? I have no friends,
I hate everyone here but you.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?
You should be over at the library with Annie.

Whoa. Yippee ki-yay.

Thought you weren't a costume guy.
Had to have one to get in, squirrel.

Oh. So where did you get it?

I wouldn't think any costume
stores would be open this late.

I don't know
what you're getting at.

The words you're looking for are,
"I own a cowboy outfit."

And it is tight too.
Did you buy it like that?

Your toy gun to my head,
I'd say yes.

Hi, Michelle Slater, PhD.

Britta Perry, GED.
Oh, are you a classmate of Jeff's?

When you say classmate, it sounds like
we take naps together and eat paste.

What's great about
community college is

is that a lot of the students
are as mature as the teachers.

Jeff, you must return
to Annie's party.

She's feeling unpopular.

Jeff, Pierce took something
and he is tripping balls.

He's touching people
and dancing weird.

It's like Grumpy Old Men,
but not hilarious.

Okay. Guys, I'm at a grown-up
Halloween party, all right?

You're all being unseemly.

Oh, no.
How are we unseemly?

Why is Urkel ripping the antenna
off Professor Slater's car?

That's right, Professor Slim Calves.

This is what you get when
you steal Jeff from a good woman.

No, Abed.

Is he meowing?

I want you guys out of here.

Britta, I don't care about
your high school soap opera.

Abed, you're not Batman.

Pierce, Pierce, Pierce.

Stop grinding on
the Women's Studies department.

You are too old to be tripping.

I'm old?

What do you mean old?

Who's hands are these?

Stop me.

Way to go.

I know I'm not Batman.
You could try not being a jerk.

She's pretty hot.

Well, where were we,
little doggie?

Yeah, crap.



This is
Professor Robin Hood's office.

What are you doing?

Putting this hose in her desk.
You turn the water on.


To teach that long neck,
weave-having bank teller

she can't steal another
woman's man, that's why.


I have a confession to make.

I think some of what I just said may
have more to do with my situation.

Yeah, the long neck, weave-having
bank teller didn't feel universal.

My ex-husband came by this morning,
and he asked for his ring back.

It was his mother's,

and he wants to give it
to his new girlfriend.

Shirley, that sucks.

The best thing that ever
happened to me was him leaving.

I just always thought
he'd come crawling back,

and I'd get to tell him to go to hell.

He couldn't even give me that.

You know what the crazy thing is?

Everything you've done tonight?

It's like I was too proud
to admit I was hurt,

so I had to pretend that you were.

I totally get that.

I feel better now.

Let's go check on Annie.

Can you believe
I targeted this poor lady?

Look at all these awards,
I bet she's nice.


Nice and pretentious.

Pierce, are you okay?

Hey, man, what's going on?

You have a full-on erection.

Just relax. Relax, man.

Just relax. Just relax, okay?

You are too old to be tripping.

You're going to die.

You are too old to be tripping.

Tell me about The Beatles, Pierce.

Tell me about Woodstock
and sputnik, Pierce.

Do I feel a breeze here?

Because someone
just struck out.

She blew you off too, Chang.

Heh, heh, heh.
Is that what you have to fall back on?

Look at me, bro. Look at me.

I've got the body of
a fifth grader, okay?

If I was working
with what you've got,

she'd be at the Comfort Inn right
now giving me a Mexican Halloween.

It's this campus.
It feeds on my coolness.

I got no moves anymore.

Moves? Everything's
a game to guys like you.

I know one move I bet you've
never tried in your life.

What is it?

Please sleep with me. Please.

Pretty please. I'm so lonely.

I haven't slept with anyone in a very
long time, and you're so good-looking.

Please do me the favor
of having sex with me.

Okay. Stay three steps behind
and promise you won't tell anybody.

I promise. I promise.

Everybody stay out of the library.

Pierce, it's okay.
Come out of there.

No, I'm not ready to die.

You're not gonna die. Look at me.

Just keep walking.
Don't make eye contact.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

Pierce is freaking out.
You're the only one that can help.

What makes you think that?

Is Jeff there?
He's the only one who can help.

He says he's gonna kill himself
but he doesn't want us to call 911

because he doesn't wanna
get in trouble for taking drugs.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I, uh...

I think I have to say good night.

Are you, like, a court appointed
guardian for these people?

No. Heh. Um...

They're my classmates.

Good night, Jeff.


What in the Pink Floyd?

I'm gonna crush myself to
death with desks and tables, Jeff.

Is that a death
befitting a beastmaster?

I never saw Beastmaster
, I just wanted to be cool.

I'm coming in there, Pierce.

Those floating Mexican skeletons were right.
My life is over.

Well, when we go to floating
skeletons with our problems,

we get what we pay for,
don't we?

I'm old, Jeff.

Pierce, I don't know how
you spent the first 60 years,

but I know
in the last two months,

you've probably doubled
the national average

for amount of life lived
per lifetime.

Well, I do have
a young African American friend.

Yeah, and more importantly,
you're dressed like a gladiator

in a desk fort
that you built during a bad trip.

If life is just a series of
ridiculous attempts to be alive,

you're a hero to everything
that's ever lived.





Are you staying for the party?

If I stay there can be no party.

I must be out there in the night,
staying vigilant.

Wherever a party needs
to be saved, I'm there.

Wherever there are masks,
wherever there's tomfoolery and joy,

I'm there.

But sometimes I'm not

because I'm out in the night,
staying vigilant, watching.

Lurking, running, jumping,
hurdling, sleeping.

No, I can't sleep.

You sleep. I'm awake.

I don't sleep, I don't blink.

Am I a bird? No.

I'm a bat.

I am Batman.

Or am I?

Yes, I am Batman.

Happy Halloween.

I'm Batman.

You sound like Cookie Monster.

I'm Batman.

That's Batman.

Candy corn
looks like tiny traffic cones.

Yeah, it sure does.

At, like, a candy traffic school.

Like a little gingerbread man
at the wheel, and he's drunk.

Look out.
We driving.

Yeah, but you keep wanting
to eat yourself.

All day.

That's one of my biggest fears.

What is?
If I ever, like, woke up as a doughnut.

You would eat yourself.
I wouldn't even question it.

Mm. That would be tasty.

It's cool to know other people
think about this stuff too.