Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - Advanced Criminal Law - full transcript

- good morning,
greendale community college.

This is your dean
reminding you

That among your school's
prestigious alumni

Is mr. luis guzman,
celebrated actor

And model
puerto-rican american.

This friday, we will be
dedicating a statue of guzman

And unveiling
our brand-new school song.

So boy,
i don't know about you,

But this sure feels like
a real college to me.

- greendale, greendale,

Greendale!



- ah! jeff, jeff.

Good morning!

How is student life,
my dry-witted friend?

- probably the same
as teacher life,

But less tragic,
because i get to leave.

- very dry.
very witty.

Not a great friend.

Listen, i wanted to ask you
about that young lady

In your spanish class.

You know, the blonde
with the pouty, strident

Cate blanchett sexuality
and the ridiculous name?

- britta?
- that's it, that's it.

Imagine living with that.
can you imagine?

Unbelievable.



Anyway, are you two an item,
and if so,

Would that item be
impervious to sabotage?

- you know, you have
the savoir faire of a hyena.

How is it that you
and james bond

Come from the same island?

- message received.

I'll just wait for you
to finish striking out first.

- cheers.
- m.a.s.h.

- fawlty towers.
game over.

Have a nice day.

- do you think luis guzman

Will ever come
to visit his statue?

If so, i'd like to ask him
about his movie choices,

particularly carlito's way,
the cowboy way, the hard way,

and q&a.

- yeah, luis guzman is
on a private jet from hollywood,

Because he can't wait to have
that conversation with you.

- really?
how does he know about me?

- because he called me
on my cell phone.

- why would a movie actor
call you?

- you don't know?
- no.

- [quietly] i'm president
obama's nephew.

- you never mentioned that.

- i didn't know
if i could trust you.

But now it's time
to tell you everything--

Starting with me
inventing the ferrari.

- so...i guess
the cell phone number

You put on the study group's
contact sheet was fake,

Which i just learned
in the awkward conclusion

Of a month-long text message
affair with a dude from boulder.

- sorry.
- that's okay.

Just give me
your real number.

I'll cleanse my palate while
kevin rethinks his marriage.

I'll give you my number
if you promise not to use it

In any other context
than friendship.

- uh...pass.

- [bang]
silencio, por favor.

Star burns--
that means you.

- my name's alex, dude.

- well, maybe you should
spend five hours

Sculpting that
in your face.

All right, last night
i graded your tests.

I'm sure you wanna know
how you did, right?

- yes, i would.
- well, i'm not gonna tell you.

Until i find out
who did...this!

- what is that?

- it's a tiny piece of paper,
okay?

That's all it is.
tiny piece of paper.

Containing all the information
covered on the test.

Otherwise known
as a crib sheet.

Who did it, huh?

Marianne?

[comical voice]
grandpa?

Jackee?

Kumar?

There's one asian stereotype
that does apply to me.

Whoever did this
insulted my honor.

And they've got 24 hours
to come forward,

Or mr. miyagi here
will wax off everyone's score

and the whole class
gets a cero!

'cept you, toby.

[upbeat music]

- the only difference between
se?or chang and stalin

Is that i know
who se?or chang is.

- did you hear him call me
jackee

Like i'm some black
female caricature?

If the good lord
hadn't been watching,

I'd have slapped him
upside the head.

- who do you guys think
cheated?

- flattering.

But if i'm gonna cheat,

I'm not gonna write
information from a book

Onto a piece of paper.

That's practically learning,
for god's sakes.

Whoever made that crib sheet
wasn't a real cheater.

Just...insecure and naive.

- i may be naive,
but i'm not stupid.

- well, i may be stupid,

But i'm not trying
to look like i'm not.

- well, i may be a genius,
but i'm not a lesbian.

- [scoffs]

Who cares who made
the crib sheet?

The only real cheater

Is the guy who's threatening
everyone with a zero.

- you're right!
it's so unfair.

And i can't handle
this kind of stress right now.

I'm already overwhelmed
by my duties

On the school song committee.
- are you a musician?

- eew. no.
i hired a local composer.

But he's quite a handful.

- well, i guess that's
your fault, isn't it?

- it is?
- you've got an accomplished

Pianist and songwriter
sitting 3 feet away from you.

I wrote the jingle

For hawthorne wipe's
moist towelettes.

I would have done
your song for free.

Smooth move, metamucil.
- troy could do the school song.

Troy invited rap music,

And he's related to danny glover
and president obama.

- abed, have you been
racist this whole time

While i'm telling
everybody at church

What a sweet little
caramel angel you are?

- hey, man, that stuff
i said this morning wasn't true.

I was just messin' with you.
- you were lying?

- yeah, as a joke.

You've never had anybody
mess with you before?

- yes. just kidding.
no. like that?

This isn't a table.

Ha ha!
that's funny.

- remember when we used to
study spanish?

- pierce!
- yo.

- i talked to the dean,

And he said you can write
greendale's school song.

- well, that's more like it.

- you know the statue
dedication is this friday.

So you have to have it done
by then.

- this friday?
this friday?

- if that's not enough time--
- no, no, no!

You really don't know much
about genius, do you?

Yes, i can do it by friday.
- great!

There's a piano
in the rehearsal space,

And i'll help you out
however i can.

You're gonna do
an awesome job!

- i know!

- so...this is the last chance

For the cheater
to be an adult

and face la musica...

Or everyone fails.
- no!

- you got ten seconds...

Starting now.

[dramatic music]

- [screaming]
no!

I've never...
gotten a zero before.

- i did it.
- britta!

- well, you really took your
sweet time with that one, baby.

- how dare you terrorize a class
by threatening their grades.

It's not that easy to get human
beings to turn on each other.

- turn on her!

- ow!
- [booing]

[overlapping comments]
real mature!

- that's right.
we are mature!

Too mature
to sit in a class

With a cheating,
lying poop-face!

Okay. time to learn
some formal greetings.

- so...

Wow.

- yeah, i bet
you're enjoying this.

- yeah, well,
when we first met,

Like you were up here
and i was here, and now...

Oh, wait, i gave a quarter
to a dirty bum today.

- what do you think
they're gonna do to me?

- well, we're not gonna
buy you an ice cream.

Hi. dean pelton.
[chuckles]

What an entrance
i got to make there.

You would be britta perry.

I just spoke with se?or chang,

And i'm afraid greendale
takes this kinda thing

Very seriously.

[loudly]
much like a university would!

Your case will be reviewed

By a disciplinary tribunal
tomorrow

In borchart hall.

You could be facing
expulsion.

- isn't borchart hall
the pool?

- there is an olympic-sized
pool there, yes,

But we will be next to it,

[loudly] using
its $6,000 judge's table!

- uh, is she allowed
to have counsel?

I mean, i may not be
a practicing lawyer anymore,

But relative to this place,
i'm alan dershowitz.

- oh, okay, ouch,
and yes.

If you'd like,
you may represent her.

Dean you later.

- i'm not gonna sit
while some hokey tribunal

Gets its jollies judging me.

- hey, if you show up with me,
follow my lead,

And deny everything,
you'll walk.

That's the winger guarantee.

- i get it.

You think
you're gonna save my bacon

Using your lawyer powers

And send me into fits
of grateful arousal.

- i can neither confirm
nor deny that.

See how good i am?

- hey, troy.
did you hear?

All dogs are blue now.

Every single dog
in the world is blue.

[laughs]

I'm just messing with you.

- yeah, i know,
but let me explain to you

A few things
about how this works.

Uh, first of all,
i cannot be got,

Because i am not gullible
like you.

Secondly,
you are not good at this,

Because you are not believable
in your face, okay?

Your face? it's bad.
- okay.

- um, also...
- [high-pitched warble]

You gotta ride the line
between believable and--

- [high-pitched warble,
humming]

- what are you writing in?

- it's a notepad.

- yeah, but what are--
what language?

- it's probably arabic.

[humming a tune]

[warbling]

- all right, i am convening
this disciplinary tribunal

At our state-of-the-art
judge's table,

Which has
its own built-in sound system,

So take that yale.
[chuckles]

Our judges include myself,
uh, dean craig pelton.

- professor ian duncan.

- professor ben chang.

- uh, no, you're a teacher.
you're not a professor.

- maybe because
i don't look like ron weasley.

- that's the difference.

That's the qualifying factor.

- gentlemen, point of order.

How can se?or chang
be one of the judges?

He's the one
accusing my client.

- yeah, well, you got
prince charles over here,

Who's your drinking buddy.

- oh, got me.

- well, it sounds
like there are two biases,

One on each side,
and i go both ways.

Oh, let's strike that.

Lashonda, can we please
strike that?

I am impartial,
so it should all work out.

Okay. let's begin.

- fine. the tribunal calls
teacher chang.

- okay, just keep it up
frost/nixon.

- i was planning
on doing that.

Cleared my whole day.

Uh, mr. chang,
could you remind us

Of the events
of yesterday?

- with great pleasure.
it was a tuesday,

Uh, crack of dawn,
5:58 a.m.

I got up,
i took my morning deuce,

I made a breakfast
consisting of..

- * green-dale *

* green-dale *

* slop * *

Mm, nah.

* green *

[varying pitch]
* gree--green *

* greendale
isn't a slop pail * *

[sighs]
hi, almost done.

- oh, good.

- you can tell the dean
i'll have a song

That'll make the devil
poop god's pants.

- that's exciting.

Mind if i hear
what you got so far?

- well, uh, yeah, sure.

I, uh--i'll probably open
with something like this. uh...

[plays note]

You know, a note like that.

And end
with a note like that.

Uh, the words,
i can't tell you.

You know, the rest
is really a surprise.

- i'm just a little worried.

I keep hearing
the same two notes,

And your sheet music

Looks like
a chinese takeout menu.

- a musician sees music
in everything, annie.

I mean, it could be...

* moo shoo pork *

* squab with lettuce * *

You see?
i mean, it just comes out.

You know what? you really
shouldn't be here right now.

- what?

- you are inside
a throbbing, cosmic womb

Of creativity,

And when this baby
starts kicking,

I cannot be responsible
for your sanity.

[laughs]
i know it sounds funny,

But let me
play you out, okay?

[cheery music]

Playing you out now,
this song.

You know, like on stage?
playing you out, okay?

Thanks for coming.
bye-bye.

[cheery music]

[playing faster]

[sighs]

- and then she yelled,
"screw you,"

Or, "screw education,"
or something like that,

And then she stormed
out of the room

In her high-heel boots
like it was tampon time...

If you know what i mean.

- objection.
i don't know what he means.

- please don't
encourage him, winger.

Do you have
any more questions?

- the defense calls
britta perry.

- now, are those
the high-heel boots

He was talking about?
- yes.

- are they comfortable?
- yeah.

- i'm just curious.
they're cute.

- thank you.
- miss perry...

Did you make
that crib sheet?

- no.

- she confessed!

- she confessed to protect
her classmates,

Because you were threatening
to flunk everyone!

- you did what?

- oh, shut your pompous vortex
of overlapping fangs!

- hey, british dentistry
is not on trial.

- dean pelton,
i move this case

Be thrown out of...

The pool area!

- well, it certainly--

[sloshing]

Well, it certainly sounds
to me

That this young lady's
only crime

Is being a hero
and wanting to be taller.

This tribunal is adjourned.

- wait! i cheated!
- and we're back.

- objection. my client
did not cheat.

- yes, i did.

- yes, she did...

But why?

That's the real question,
isn't it?

The world wasn't
the only thing that changed

On september 11th.

- oh, come on.

- five-minute recess?

- no, no. there's nothing

In the bylaws about recesses,
all right?

The wheels of justice here
don't stop

Just because you--aah!

Time out! time out!

Save the table!
save the table!

- [high-pitched warble]

Beginning transmission.

The primary purpose seems
to be male bonding,

And the attitude
during conveyance

Of the random deceit is
apparently of great importance.

The humanoid is approximately
5'10" in height.

- what are you doing?

- oh, hey. troy.

I didn't see you.

Um, how long
were you standing there?

- you trying to mess
with me?

- yes,
that's what i was doing.

You got me.

I was just messing with you,
but i guess i blew it again.

- yeah.

You did.

- [warbling]

- man, don't turn your back
on me.

- it is on
like donkey kong!

Have you got
a problem with me?

- i don't like the fact
that you're walking around here

Like you're better than me
in front of my students.

- i'm sorry. do you mind if we
have this conversation

In a room with less balls?

You're very confident,
i'll say that.

- but you shouldn't be.

- what are you doing
out there?

- you know i have a problem
with dishonesty.

- you're on trial
for cheating!

Fa--look, we'll be fine.

I just have to
go back out there

And make the case
that you're a good person--

- you don't know that.

You're just doing all of this

'cause you want to
sleep with me

I mean,
you said it yourself.

You don't even want to
be my friend.

- wait a minute.

Wait, is that
what you thought i meant?

Britta, look at me.

Look at me!
- i am.

- no, look how handsome
my face is.

If all i wanted was sex,

I could get it
from plenty of women

Without having to go through
all this crap.

I'm here because i like you,

And i--i'd be psyched
to be your friend.

I just didn't want to take
sex off the table

Without doing
my due diligence.

- i actually believe you.

- well, why wouldn't you?
- i don't know.

I guess...same reason
that i cheated.

I...just have more experience
being worthless.

I think i left that
crib sheet on the floor

Because i wanted
to get caught.

I'm so used to
screwing everything up

I just wanted
to get it over with.

- wait.
i think we have our defense.

Gentlemen...

My client is insane.

- what?
[judges muttering]

- gentlemen, i'm sure
you suspected...

That ms. perry was pretty odd
before the recess.

But if you could've heard
all the stuff

She just told me
in the shower,

You would realize
she is all the way out

Of her entire damn mind.

She doesn't want to succeed

Because she doesn't think
she can.

So she goes out of her way
to fail.

That's crazy!

But...

Do we really want
to make it a crime

To be crazy at greendale?

I mean, look at us.

I mean, you two are arguing
about status at a college

That correspondence schools
make fun of.

Dean, you want so bad
for this place to be ivy league

That you are putting us
at risk of electrocution.

Everyone on this campus
is nuts.

- not me!
- oh, come on, leonard.

If you're gonna argue with me,
put on a bathing suit.

- busted.
[chuckles]

- if you want to rehabilitate
your fellow inmate,

you need to sentence her
to staying here with us.

Because if crazy people
can't be at greendale,

Where are we supposed to go?

[chang sniffles]

I'll recommend
that the accused

Be fully exonerated.

On the condition
that she receives

Psychological counseling
on a weekly basis

From a trained
mental health professional.

Thinking maybe fridays,
nine-ish, something like that.

All in favor say "aye."
both: aye.

- yes!
- wait, what?

[duncan bangs gavel]
- that just happened.

[electronic whirring]

[abed ululating]

- greetings, abed.

- greetings, commander.

- t-t-tell me
about the one they call troy.

- well, he is
rather arrogant

And has no mercy
for weaker beings.

- stop. stop doing this
right now.

- whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not an alien.
[laughs]

- i never thought
you were.

But this is insane, okay?

Those are credible
alien hand movements.

You invented
a whole language.

I'm pretty sure
you rented a green screen.

- yeah.

- it would be less creepy

If you were
actually an alien.

- this is what friends do.

- no.

From now on, abed,

friends don't mess
with each other.

[abed laughing on video]

- okay?
- cool.

- cool?
- cool. bam bam!

- [ululating]

- garrett, it's over.
he knows.

- we will stick things
in his butt.

- [ululating softly]

- you're getting
a little sloppy.

- we went over-budget.
- mm.

- [snorts]

I've got it.

[playing twinkle twinkle
little star melody]

* greendale, greendale
little star-- *

Oh!

[sobbing]

I'm a fraud, annie.

I'm no more of a songwriter
than you or billy joel.

- but what about
the hawthorne wipes jingle?

- oh, yeah, yeah,
sure, the haw--

You want to hear it?
here.

[playing she'll be coming
around the mountain melody]

* you'll be wiping off
that ketchup *

* with our wipes,
hawthorne wipes! *

* you'll be wiping off
that mustard *

* with our wipes
at the picnic! *

- that's she'll be coming
around the mountain.

- i know!
i steal everything.

You backed the wrong horse.
i got nothing.

- pierce, you're musical.
you're creative.

You can do this.
i believe in you.

- well, you shouldn't.
i quit.

- you listen up, pierce!

I'm gonna tell you
what my mother told me

When i wanted
to quit cheerleading.

You're not very pretty,
you have no boobs,

And you can't do a basket toss
to save your life,

But you made a commitment.

So pick up
your pompoms, pierce,

Stuff your bra,
and get ready for the team bus

To forget you at a taco bell,
because life is tough.

But we soldier on,

And that's
just the way it goes.

- gonna play myself out.

- the way it goes.

That's it.

One, two, luis guzman! oh!

[applause]
oh, oh!

You know, greendale
may never be...

- just don't talk to me
for a while.

- no problem.
just glad you're here.

- i'd like to introduce
our student, pierce hawthorne,

Who's written greendale
its own school song.

Pierce, okay.

- thank you, dean,
thank you.

This song goes out
to annie.

- oh.

- for believing in me.

[pierce playing
the way it is melody]

* standing
in the bookstore line *

* waiting for the bell
to chime *

* so you can go to class *

* dancing in your underwear *

* taking
air conditioner repair *

- is this bruce hornsby?
- yep.

- does he know he stole it?

- i don't think so.
let him enjoy it.

- can we get sued?
- not sure.

- * greendale's
the way it goes *

- yeah, they got us.

- * some things
are still the same *

* slop pails and pantyhose *

* oh, annie believes
in me *