Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Introduction to Film - full transcript

Hey, man. My name is Jeff.

I'm trying to lock down the rest
of my schedule before the deadline.

I heard this class was a cakewalk.
Are you passing it?

Do you like Dane Cook?
Yeah, he's awesome.

So far so good.

Death, so called

Is a thing that makes men weep

And yet a third of life
is spent in sleep.

Open your text books to page 37.

Now close them
and throw them away.

Throw it away. Ha-ha-ha.



Throw it away.

For those who are new,
the motto of this class,

carpe diem, seize the day,
no tests, no papers.

You want an A?

Live in

the moment.

Jackpot.

Take off your shoes.
Quick, take off your shoes.

Everyone, take your shoes off,
throw them away.

Throw them across the room
over there.

Today we learn to walk,
get up and walk out the door.

This day could be your last.

You could die in your sleep.
You could get hit by a bus.

You, that mole is raised and dark,
it's not a good combo.



You are new.
Yes, I'm new, but I'll be old too soon.

Carpe diem, sir, carpe diem.

I like it!

Voice command.

Voice command.

Voice command.

Voice command.

Voice command.

Voice comm...

Would you please use the buttons?

Okay, grandpa.

Achoo!
Oh. God bless you, dear.

What's so funny?
You guys, I found it.

The ultimate blow-off class.

Professor Whitman, he thinks he's
in Dead Poets Society.

There's no tests, there's no work,
it's just day seizing.

The deadline to enroll is tomorrow.
I suggest you all do it.

Well, some of us are here
to actually learn things.

I'm in.
Me too, it sounds educational.

I'll do it, I love Robin Williams.
Abed?

Not a fan. In every movie,
there's an authority figure

that gets mad at him
for making people laugh.

No, are you going to take the class?
Oh, can't.

My dad will only pay for classes that
will help me run the family restaurant.

It's been struggling since 2001, 9/11 was
pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.

So your dad has your whole life
planned out for you?

Are you even interested in falafel?
I'm interested in making movies.

But my Dad says all media's western
propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.

Then he should see Aladdin,
Jafar was a badass.

Yes, he was.
Yeah.

He was.

Abed,
how much does a film class cost?

Seventy dollars.

Britta?
Jeff?

Britta.
Isn't Abed's dad a hardcore Muslim?

They're not as understanding
as Christians.

You could get your head cut off
with a salami sword.

Shirley, that's the most racist thing
I've ever heard.

Pierce will beat that in one minute.

This is really nice of you.

The memo says, "For dreams."
Aw.

You guys,
are we going to study Spanish,

or keep getting involved
in each other's personal lives?

Achoo!
Hey, Troy sneezes like a girl.

How about I pound you like a boy?
That didn't come out right.

Why don't you leave him alone
with his cute baby sneezes.

You're not my mother.
She's not?

Twenty-nine seconds.

What's your name?
My name is Shirley Bennett.

Shirley, you get an A, Oh.

If you can tell me
why you are here at Greendale.

What did I tell you?

Okay, but, uh, never again.

Shirley?

To get a degree in business
so I can sell my baked goods

and whatnot on the Internet.

Why are you here?

To get a degree in business so I can sell
my baked goods and whatnot on the Internet.

Why are you here?

Because I wasted 15 years
of my life

on a man who left me
with nothing but stretch marks

and a foggy memory
of two bland orgasms.

And now it's time to get
what's mine.

Day seized.

Only when we stop stopping our lives
can we begin to start starting them.

Ms. Edison here, for example,

would rather write what happens
to other people than live

what is happening to her.

I thought there might be a quiz.
Well, here's a quiz for you.

Why did the pretty young girl
die alone,

surrounded
by sweater-wearing cats

who were trained
to use human toilets?

Get up on your desk.

Come on, stand on your desk.

Up on your desk.

She made it. Ha-ha.

Everyone, stand on your desks.

Up, up, up. Come on.

Rise, rise,
rise above the programming.

All your lives you were told
don't stand on your desk.

Well, why not?

She's okay, go to the nurse,
seize the day.

You know, I was very moved
by your honesty earlier.

Particularly the part about,
uh, your husband not being...

Your homework. Ah.

Oh.

I want you to swim in a lake and
tell 10 people that you love them.

Mr. Winger,
may I have a word, please?

Are you okay?
Oh. Oh, maybe, I'm not.

Hi, Mr. Winger,
I like to think that every life

that passes through this class
is changed.

But every year, there's
always one cocky opportunist

who's just here to coast
and grab an easy A.

Oh, yeah.

His name is Pierce,
I can talk to him for you.

It's actually you, Mr. Winger.

You have no intention
of seizing the day.

What? Listen, l...
I have never lived until I met you.

L... I love you.
There's one down, nine to go.

Not that I need the grade
or even want it.

Well, glad to hear it, because
if you don't genuinely seize the day

before the end of the week,

then you will be seizing an F
for the semester.

This is no way to teach accounting.

I have to plan in advance how to
prove that I live in the moment.

I'd rather take an actual class,
but now it's too late to drop or add.

It is not fair how hard it is
for you to cheat here.

Hah! Hey, how's it going?
How's your film class, buddy?

It's cool. Our first
assignment is a documentary.

They're like real movies
but with ugly people.

I'm learning a lot.
That is so wonderful.

Some people don't like getting involved
in others' lives. I think it's great.

Hey, if you're making a documentary about
Britta patting herself on the back,

you're gonna need
a backup battery.

Actually,
I'm doing a movie about my dad.

That is brilliant. How did he react
to you signing up for the film class?

That part hasn't happened yet.
Here he comes.

Hey, you want to get involved
in my family's business?

Holy war.

Where do I find Mr. Britta?

I'm Mr. Britta.

That's right,
I'm a woman with rights.

And you can see my whole face.

Oh. I get it, because I'm Arab
I must hate women.

Let me tell you something.
I love women.

But I'm getting a major B-word vibe
from you.

Ow, I can't believe I missed out
on getting involved in this.

You go host American Idol,
and you stop messing with my son.

He is a special boy.

I raise him. You don't.
Raising him

means letting him follow dreams.
Dreams are for sleeping.

You don't know that.
It's clinically proven.

So is polio.
You lost me.

Abed wants to study film.

What's he saying?
He says we're leaving.

Tell him you wanna stay
and study film.

I don't think I'm really in the scene.
See?

It's hard to talk to him before,
now we have this between us.

Let's go.
Hey. Hey.

Don't touch me.

You... You don't touch me.
Stop.

Sir, you have a right to your faith
and your family's privacy

but Abed is an adult
and a U.S. citizen.

Right?
Yeah.

And he has the right to stay.

Fine.

You want to raise him?
You raise him, I'm out.

Wait, what?
You know, I had a father like you.

And the day
I finally cut myself loose

is the day
I finally started being happy.

That went well.

I have to make some adjustments
to my film.

Jeff, I think you should play
the role of my father.

I don't want to be your father.
It's perfect,

you already know your lines.

Why are you dressed
like an '80s rapist?

Professor Whitman
comes by here every morning

and I need him to see me
celebrating life.

What's all that?
I am calculating Abed's expenses.

You know, there's books, there's
meals, he's renting that camera.

He needs a little spending money.
Um... All money is spending money.

Oh. Um, Britta, it's amazing
what you're doing for Abed.

I mean a lot of people
talk a good game, but you,

you follow through.

I love you.

Shirley, thank you.
Bet that doesn't happen to you a lot.

It happened yesterday.
Shirley's just doing her homework.

Hillary,
thank you for getting people coffee.

I love you.

Abed, how's it going, buddy?
Good, my film is coming together.

Cool tie, Jeff, are you wearing that
because you're playing the role of my dad,

or is it really Christmas?

Definitely Christmas.
Is that a new camera?

Yeah. It's more expensive but it lets
me adjust really specific settings

that most people don't notice
or think about.

Hi, I would like a latte,
and Jeff, let me get you something.

I'm okay.
Oh, come on, I got you.

No, really, I don't need anything...
No, really. You're insulting me.

Look at all this cash.
Okay. I will get a small, black coffee.

Boo. An ordinary coffee
for an ordinary life.

Good morning, Professor Whitman.

Sorry, Mr. Winger,
these won't cut it.

Shazbat.
I shall have...

A birthday cake.

I've seen men in your situation,
Troy.

No, those are both for me.

You were on top of the world before
and now no one gives a rat's ass.

I can help you with your image.

First, I'd lose the jacket,
you look like a high school bitch.

But more importantly,
it's your sneeze.

When I was a CEO,
I had an array of masculine sneezes

that asserted dominance.

Like the explosive
shock-the-room-into-silence sneeze.

Or, the draw them in sneeze,
you know.

You know, maybe I wouldn't sneeze,
because I'm in control.

You can even use a sneeze
to drive home a point.

Like, I think the Cubs
are gonna win it all this year.

What do you think?

Tell me more.

It's show time.

Hey, everybody, good morning.

Good morning, sir.
Good morning, Greendale.

Hi, good morning.

Watch the kite. Uh-oh.

Mind if I get a chance? Oh!

Thanks, you guys, bring it in here.
Nice.

Thank you so much, you guys,
that was really fun.

Sloppy.

Considering the age of these girls,
unwittingly creepy.

Damn it.

Beat it. Professor. Will you look at the
amount of work that I'm putting into this?

I mean, throw me a bone.

Had I not already cried
at the sunrise this morning,

I would be weeping right now.

What does that mean?
What do you mean, Jeff?

What does your life mean?

How long does it take you
in the morning

to make it look like
you have bed-head?

How many sweatpants-
sports jacket combos

did you try before you found
the one that said, "I don't care?"

Seize the day, Jeff. For real.

Go running naked in a hail storm.
Kiss a girl in the middle of the day.

Fly a kite, but do it for yourself.

Or you won't just fail my class,

you'll fail life.

Thank you.

That guy's really got your number.
Drop the flower.

I need to talk to you about Abed.

I went by his film class today,
he wasn't there, he's cutting.

I wanna know why
he would do something like that.

Ask him.
Every time I try to ask him about it,

he just keeps filming me

and telling me that I'm playing
the role of his mother.

Abed is not normal.

That's what you bought

when you intentionally
tangled yourself in his life.

Look, will you just...
Will you please talk to him?

I've got problems of my own.
I'm out here trying to seize a day.

What in the hell?

Is he gonna kill us?

Thanks for the pizza, Abed,
I was starving.

Yeah, it's nice, like a picnic.
Or a family dinner.

It's a study group and a pizza,
let's not get carried away.

So, Abed.

How's film class?
Good.

Yeah. Did you go to class today?
Not really.

Not really. Well,
Britta's paying for those classes,

don't you think
maybe you should go?

I was shooting my movie.
Your movie is for class.

My movie's more important.
La-la-la.

Someone order seven lattes?
I got that.

No, You don't got it.
I got it, Abed.

I got everything.

What is wrong with you,
all I want to do is take care of you.

I know you're not stupid,
are you doing this on purpose?

Why won't you answer me?
This is the scene where you leave.

You better believe it.
Britta.

What do you think, Dad?
I think you are really weird, Abed.

And I think
the wrong person just left.

Perfect. That's a wrap.

That guy was your dad?

Hey.
Hey.

You don't really have tickets
for Ravi Shankar, do you?

I lied to get you here
because it's time to communicate.

Communicate?
Have you met Abed?

It's not the two of you
that need to talk.

Hey, wait a minute,

where's Weezer?
They're coming.

All right. Now, the only reason
why this whole mess got started

is because both of you
wanted the best for Abed.

And I think the lesson
we can all take away from this

is that everyone should always do
whatever they want,

and leave each other out of it.

Is that your take?
Let me give you mine.

You and your pillow-lipped girlfriend
got all up in my stuff

because you wanted to be cowboys,
and then you turned chicken

when you found out it would
take more than speeches

and guided missiles.

Interesting,
I hadn't seen the Iraq metaphor.

What Iraq metaphor? I'm talking about
your speeches and her guided...

Got it. The point is,
is that Britta is sorry, right?

Wrong.
Crap.

Abed may not be
a great filmmaker

but that doesn't mean
that he wants to make falafel.

You need to let him
make his own decisions.

Make his own decisions?
Have you met Abed? You know who he is?

You have no...
Guys.

You're stupid.
I'm finished.

Britta, Jeff, Dad.

Dad.

How's it going, buddy?
I don't want to be your father.

I think you are weird, Abed.

Hey, look.
I need to talk to you about Abed.

He's not normal.

What is wrong with you?
All I want to do is take care of you.

Why will you not answer me?

What do you think, dad?

I think you are weird, Abed.

And I think
the wrong person just left.

It's not exactly Citizen Kane.

I feel a little out of the loop here.

That feeling is
called the joy of freedom.

My son is hard to understand.

If making movies help him
be understood,

then I pay for the class.

I made this all happen.

With falafel as a fallback.

Abed.
Yeah?

Did you do all of that to me
on purpose?

That's not a very nice way
to treat your friends.

Well, Britta,
it isn't called friend business,

it's called show business.

He's smoking.
Honey, let him leave the nest.

Get your hand off of my knee.

God... God bless you.

God bless you.
Thank you.

For someone who doesn't
like getting involved, well,

I owe you.

You owe me?

That can not be comfortable for you.

Hey, um...

You should kiss me right now.

Day seized!

We're even.
Ha-ha-ha.

A plus, Winger.

I know a life-changing kiss
when I see one. Wowee!

Yeah.

Fooled you.

Am I krumping?
No.

Am I krumping? Am I krumping?
No. No.

Am I krumping now?

No.

This is krumping.

We... We're krumping.
No, you're not.