Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Spanish 101 - full transcript

Good afternoon,
Greendale Community College.

I am your dean with a few corrections
to the fall class catalogue.

Cosmology should be
Cosmetology.

Astrology should be Astronomy.

The students on the cover
should be smiling,

but I suppose
that's a matter of opinion.

Whoever is growing a small patch
of cannabis behind the gymnasium,

congratulations,
you have won a cruise.

Report to security
to claim your tickets.

In order to increase awareness
of homelessness,

security has been given
binoculars.



In campus news, the debate over
our library's PA system continues,

with some students suggesting
its volume be lowered

while others question
its very purpose.

More on that story as it unfolds.

That dude makes
a lot of announcements.

I like it. It makes every 10 minutes
feel like a new scene of a TV show.

The illusion lasts until someone says
something they never say on TV,

like how much life is like TV.
There, it's gone.

I guess Jeff's running late again.
Oh. What a shame.

Maybe we should get started...
No, no, no.

I think we should wait for
Jeff before we start studying.

But when Jeff gets here, we could talk
to him, as a group, about his tardiness.

Oh, come on now.
Don't use that word around Abed.

If you want me to have
a chat with Jeff, I'd do it.



We've got a bond going, kind of,
sort of like brothers.

Hope your mom didn't make
you take baths together.

Because one of you
would have been like 30.

Ha, ha, ha.
That's funny.

Jeff probably comes late so he doesn't
have to sit through your tardiness.

Sorry, Abed.

Hey, will you guys have
some self-respect?

You are obsessing over someone who
does not give you a second thought.

Meanwhile, in Guatemala, journalists are
being killed by their own government.

You jumped a column there.
What's happening in Guatemala?

Nothing.
Journalists are being murdered?

Believe me, every day in that country,
people are killed for speaking out.

The worst part of it is,
when it's all over,

Spoilers.
It's as if it never happened.

Hey, Abed, real stories,
they don't have spoilers.

You understand that TV and
life are different, right?

Hey.

My lady.
My lord.

Hey, baby.
Hi, sweetie.

You smell nice. Vitamin P.

Morning, Jeffrey.
People were jazzed to see me too.

Word them up.
Word them everywhere.

Good entrance. Thank you.
It was for you.

Britta.

Hey, Jeff.

I think there's something that the
group would like to talk to you about.

Actually, there's nothing more to say.
Nice jacket.

If you're gonna study
with people,

it would be cool of you
to show up on time.

Oh. Were you waiting?
No.

I just got here.
No.

You guys spend the first 20 minutes
talking about your interesting lives

and your cool emotional problems.

I feel like
I never have anything to offer.

Ohh.

No, no. Truth is, my life is emptier
than this three-ring binder.

Annie, do you have any Spanish
notes that might fit in there?

Wow. Double-spaced.
Thank you.

So what's a guy gotta do
to get a C around here?

That's the one.

Good study.

Thanks for good study.
See you later.

Hey, you know what today is?

The two-week anniversary
of my horrible first impression.

There's a card for that?
Well, not specifically.

But if you think of grandsons
as metaphors for friendship,

you'll agree with
this Transformer here

that it's time for ours to become
a man by reading from the Torah.

Look, Jeff,
you're harmless enough to me.

A life full of ups and downs
has given me douche-ray vision.

But those are good people in there,
and they trust and respect you,

and watching you exploit them
bums me out.

Exploit them? They're my friends.
Can I bring your car around?

No, Abed, I don't want you
bring my car around.

I'll bring yours around, good guy.
You get going, all right?

You're cute but selfish,

and narcissistic to the point
of near-delusion.

She said I was cute.
Tell you what. You take her.

I have less to prove.

You know, Jeff, you can't
pursue people so desperately.

It starts to creep them out.

Why don't we get a beer?
I'll give you advice,

and we can have what the kids
are calling a sausage fest.

I'm not much of a sausage guy,
Pierce. Maybe next time.

Next time then.

Hey.

Will you tell us more
about Guatemala?

I wanna be political.

That's good. You should discover
that stuff on your own.

We need your help.

We've been living on the wrong
side of the looking glass.

You're like Jodie Foster
or Susan Sarandon.

You'd rather keep it real
than be likeable.

Can you at least tell us
what to Google?

You could start with the
journalist Chacata-Panecos.

He wrote an article critical of the
government and they killed him.

Oh.
That's horrible.

Can we have a protest?

I wanna protest the hell
out of something.

A candlelight vigil, like
lesbians on the news.

I could make brownies.

Brownies?

Every once in a while,
a student will ask:

"Se?or Chang,
why do you teach Spanish?"

They say it just like that.

"Why do you teach Spanish?"

Why you.

Why not math?

Why not photography?

Why not martial arts?

I mean, surely it must be
in my nature to instruct you

in something that's ancient
and secret

like, oh, building a wall that
you can see from outer space.

Well, I'll tell you why I teach Spanish.
It is none of your business, okay?

Now, I don't wanna have
any conversations about what

a mysterious, inscrutable man I am.

I am a Spanish genius.

In espa?ol my nickname is
El Tigre Chino.

Because my knowledge
will bite her face off.

So don't question Se?or Chang
or you'll get bit.

Yeah, bit. Yeah, bit.

Okay, Friday ma?ana,
we'll be having conversations

with the rest of the class, using
some phrases we learned in unit one.

You'll be partnering up
in pairs of dos.

Heh.

So if you look under your desk,

you will find a card with either
a picture or a word on it, okay?

Por ejemplo, Blondie, aqui,

has a card with a picture
of a house on it.

So that means the person
with the card

with the word "casa" on it
is her partner.

Comprende, Star-Burns?

Okay, see you Friday, find your
partners, have a great day.

And what do we say
at the end of every class?

Come on, hands.
Ninety percent of Spanish.

Good.
Abed, do you want to trade cards?

No.
I'll give you 20 bucks.

No.

Fifty bucks.
No.

I don't want money. I want your shirt.
What?

I've had my eye on it
since registration day.

Fine. Give me your card.

I don't think you understand.
I wanna wear it out of here.

Thanks.

What are the odds?

Are you sure you didn't
adjust the odds?

I know Abed's been eyeing
that shirt for three weeks.

It's almost like you gave it to him
so he would switch cards.

I gave Abed my shirt
because I'm not selfish.

Which is something I guess you'll
finally discover while we work on this.

Tomorrow night?
Dinner, drinks?

I think that's something that we
should discuss with our partners.

Oh, see, I did switch cards.

Can you believe this?
What are the odds? Heh, heh.

That's a nice shirt. Wanna sell it?
Yes.

What's the moist towelette
industry like? Oh.

Believe me,
it's nothing like the product.

No, it's a hard,
dry, large business.

Destroyed all my marriages.

It didn't help any
that I can't have children.

I'm not sterile. In fact it's a rare
condition called hyper-virility.

Apparently my sperm shoot through
the egg like bullets. Heh.

Can you believe that?
I can't. But you can, so that's fine.

So the assignment is to write
a Spanish conversation

using those five phrases that...
Ooh.

Hemingway's lemonade.

We don't need to make this
a long evening.

What am I,
a piece of garbage to you?

What? No.

Got you. Hey, come on, let's
have one drink before we work.

Mm, mm, mm.

To the empowerage of words.

To the irony of that sentence.

So, what's up with you?

It seems like you got a burr
up your ass or something.

Well, I guess that it's, uh...
I think it's Britta.

Forget Britta. All you have to
know about her is her name.

What is she, a water filter?
I mean, heh, heh, she's ugly.

Okay.

Why don't we start
with me saying, donde...

What the hell are you doing?
Our assignment.

Oh, no, no, no.

This is the first time people are gonna
see Winger and Hawthorne together.

We're gonna show them
we're to be reckoned with.

Come on,
let's brainstorm some story ideas.

Better yet, before we do that,
let's ask ourselves...

what is a story?
Oh, my God in heaven.

Guatemala, we hate

Guatemala, we hate

If you like that brownie, you're gonna hate
what's going on in Guatemala. Google it.

Oh, hey, hey.
Hi.

Raise the truth.

Okay, once it gets dark,
I hand out the candles,

and we do what's called
a speechless protest.

We put tape over our mouths
and gather hand in hand

in a sea of outraged silence.

Star-Burns, no, no.

What's gotten into you?
This is not how you do this.

It's not how you do it.
We're doing everything.

But this is tacky and lame.

I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.

What I meant to say was that this
cause is really personal to me.

Are you saying that
we're not allowed to protest?

Britta, you sound like Guatemala.

Somebody has a case of
"use fringe politics

to make themselves feel special
but doesn't ever do anything."

Itis.
No, I do things. I...

I went to...

I don't do anything.

What can I do?

You can hang the
Chacata-Panecos pi?ata.

You guys realize
he was beaten to death, right?

That's where we got the idea from.
Poignant.

All right.

Okay, tell me what I've got so far.
What we have so far?

Well, we have something
incredibly long

and very confusing,
and a little homophobic.

And really, really,
specifically, surprisingly

and gratuitously critical
of Israel.

It's called "Two Conquistadors.
" Should be dos.

I mean, it is Spanish class.
Oh, which reminds me.

The only thing not included
in this epic

are the five phrases required
to get me a passing grade.

You're right. Needs more work.

What are you guys doing?
I have no idea.

We're headed to the demonstration.
Hippies?

Some cause Britta's into.
It's a silent protest, lots of candles.

Gets the ladies in the mood for social
change, if you know what I mean.

Good chance to put
some miles on this shirt.

You realize these conversations
are due in the morning, don't you?

Oh, yeah. Right.

What do you wanna do?

Tsk. Hacks. Okay, what do we do
about the ending of act two?

I'll tell you what we're going to do.
We are gonna take this

and we're gonna put it
in a museum for crazy people.

And then we're going to take this
and memorize five phrases from it

tomorrow morning before class.
Good night.

Wait a minute. You're bailing
on our first sausage fest?

This is your definition of friendship?
No, this is my definition

of you trying way too hard

and me finding it harder
and harder to stay polite.

This was a fine enough way to
spend an evening devoid of hope,

but the woman I kind of like
is out in the moonlight

caring about something stupid.

And this is my chance to show her that I
care enough to act like I care about it too.

That's all you had to say, Jeff.

That was it? Oh.

That would have been great
if I had done that two hours ago.

Nice sign.
Thanks.

I like what you've done
with the place.

I think was a little too harsh on you.
I'm not perfect.

I am. I'd be happy
to show you the ropes.

Awesome.

Look at awesome Jeffrey Winger.

Too awesome for old Pierce

with your hip shirts
and your gelled hair

and your cool tape
over your mouth.

Why is everybody wearing
tape over their mouth?

It's a protest, Pierce.

Oh, good.

Because I know what I'd like to protest.
How much you hurt me.

Conflicts like these will ultimately
bring us together as an unlikely family.

You have horrible breath
right now.

First, you constantly blow me off,

then you want me to do
your homework.

Then you tell me I'm trying too hard
to be your friend so you have to go.

You had to come out here
to pretend to care

about the stupid stuff
she cares about.

His words, not mine.
He is paraphrasing.

I got an idea.
Why don't you go get a cup of coffee

and hold some waitress hostage
with a monologue about sperm.

I'll show you some sperm,
buddy.

Is this your idea?
What the hell?

Fire.

No, I'm not ready to die.

Oh. Oh. He's...

He's jumped in the fountain.

He's fine.
Please call 911.

Have you seen it?
We did it, girl. Page three.

It's about Pierce,
but listen to that paragraph.

"The incident occurred during a protest
regarding events in Guatemala."

Awareness.
This isn't the school paper.

This is a real damn newspaper.
There's a Marmaduke in here.

It's more than I ever accomplished.

You know about
ethnic cleansing in Burma?

We need to bust out
that brownie mix.

Morning.
Morning.

Oh, no, I get it.

Garfield's wishing me a happy Arbor
Day, and you'd like a fresh start.

Nice try.
It's actually Secretaries Day.

It says that I'm sorry
about crashing your protest

with that drunken,
self-immolating baby boomer.

We don't blame you.
Pierce has been on my watch list.

That dude is crazy.
He told me girls have two pee holes.

I sang Christmas carols
at a nursing home once.

I've seen the face of dementia,
and last night, I saw it again.

You know what he did
that's really crazy?

He offered me a 100 dollars
to switch cards with him

just so he could be partners
with Jeff.

I think he thought getting closer to Jeff
would bring him respect in the group.

I think he spent his whole life
looking out for himself,

and he would trade it all
for a shot at some kind of family.

Hola, class.

All right, time
for our presentations.

First up was supposed
to be Jeff and Pierce,

but Pierce explained
the situation to me.

There was a falling out,
things were said,

people were betrayed.

Wow.

Jeff, having
heard Pierce's side of the story,

the thing to do
would be to give you a C

and let Pierce do
his presentation alone.

If that sounds fair to you.

That doesn't sound fair
to me at all.

I understand if you don't
wanna be my friend.

But this thing that we've created,
it is bigger than the both of us,

and it deserves to be done right.

All right.

Okay, um, guys, why are
there costumes involved?

These are short conversations.
They're not supposed to take...

Your breath away?

Well, tough.

You ready, amigo?

F, F-minus.

What?

Did you say S?

So...

that was one of the worst
things I have ever seen.

Which I guess makes being a part
of it a pretty selfless act.

So I'm impressed.

How do you know I didn't do it
just to get another shot at you?

A smart guy like you would know
that no woman in that class

will be able to look at you as a
sexually viable candidate ever again.

No, I know. I thought of that.

She looked back.

You did an all right job up there,
my friend.

Thanks, Pierce.

A couple of notes.

You got this thing you do with your
face when you're trying to be funny

. that forces people to think
about how cool you think you are.

Yeah, boy, boy.

Yeah.
What.

It's 2009.
Word.