Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 24 - English as a Second Language - full transcript

It's hard to believe , but finals are here.

And I know
that during this stressful time,

my voice blaring over a PA
can't help.

Which is why,
for the next three days,

you'll hear nothing
but soothing sounds of nature.

And to kick it off,
here's a babbling brook.

Will anyone back me up
if I say this is ridiculous,

or is it gonna be
another Avatar situation?

I love Avatar.
What's an avatar?

Okay.
Nature sounds or not,

we're not gonna have trouble
passing our Spanish final.



I've transcribed this semester's
notes from my digital recorder.

You record every class?

Pfft. Spoiler alert.

You mean nerd alert.
Alert nerd.

Here's a spoiler. We're all gonna
spend the next three days boning up.

Then pass the exam
and move on to Spanish 103.

Sounds like a good ending,
Annie.

Except for where I take Spanish 103.
What do you mean?

Spanish 102 fills
my language requirement.

I guess I just figured
we're a Spanish study group,

so we'd keep taking Spanish
together.

That's what I thought too, Annie.
I'm in.

I'm on a tight, four-year schedule
to replace my bachelor's.

I'm not gonna take an extra class.



Spanish has value beyond credit.
Not really.

I know the family downstairs
hates me.

I don't need to understand why.
Okay, fine.

You want me to say it?
I'll say it.

I like this group.
I want it to stay together.

Oh, I think so too.
Yeah, I like this group.

Yeah, you be the cool guy, Jeff.

And next fall
when that gets lonely,

I'll be in the front row of
Spanish 103.

Monday through Friday,
6:00 a.m.

Six...

And now, crickets.

Okay, if we're not interested
in Spanish 103 next year,

what about Anthropology?

Ooh. Anthropology,
the study of man.

I'm still trying to forget what
I learned about that subject.

See, it's fun.

And they have a class at noon.
Noon, everybody.

Anthropology? Anthropology?
Anthropology?

Annie,
I'm not big on planning ahead,

but I have one
unmovable appointment

May 23rd, 2013.

To buy a flying car?

I have a table for one
at Morty's Steakhouse

where I will celebrate
becoming a lawyer again

which can only happen
if I take a full load.

Don't.

A full load of classes every year,
I can maybe make it until then.

But not by building my schedule
around BFFs.

We'll build ours around yours.

Annie, you realize we'll be friends whether
or not we have a class together, right?

Of course you think that.
Obvious from your name your parents smoked pot.

All right, well, I haven't said a
single word in this entire conversation

and I find that outrageous.

Hola, el losers.

Winger, may I have a word
with you in private?

Sure.
Good.

Sorry.
Oh. Got it.

Got it. Cool.

Okay, come back in 10 minutes.

And if anyone asks,
I sent you to learn things.

And, Pierce,
close the door, please.

Other side of the door.

So you're here because your
college degree was fake, right?

I prefer the term better than real,
but yes.

Two questions.

Where did you get it?

Could you have prevented
being caught, and how?

One question.
Where did you learn to count questions?

Are you telling me
you need a fake degree?

You know, in high school,
I was in a band.

We could've been huge,

but the world wasn't ready
for an Asian man on keytar.

Did you say "keytar"

or did you just pronounce guitar
like a hillbilly?

Keytar. It's a keyboard
you can play like a guitar.

Oh.
Get with the times, man.

Anyway,
next thing you know, I'm 32,

and I'm bagging groceries for,
like, 5 bucks an hour plus tips.

Shocked?
Confused.

I'm supposed to tip my bag boy?

So I did what anyone would do.

I faked my way into a job as a Spanish
teacher at a community college,

relying on phrases
from Sesame Street.

Oh, my God.

Save the judgment,
Winger, all right?

If the dean finds out
that I'm not a real teacher,

your grades are invalid,

and you'll all
have to repeat this class.

That was the chair.

Good.

Good.

It's unsolvable.

Hold on. I forgot my...

Hey. What the hell
are you doing?

Hey.
Hey, come back here.

Come back here.

Jerry. Hey, Jerry,
check this out.

And that is what
Milton was really saying.

Okay, exams are on Tuesday.

Class dismissed.

If the dean finds
out that I'm not a real teacher,

your grades are invalid,

and you'll all
have to repeat this class.

If the dean finds out
that I'm not a real teacher,

your grades are invalid,

and you'll all
have to repeat this class.

That was the chair.

Right.

Hi, everybody. Hi.

I'm afraid I have some
bad news for you, kids.

Well, it's actually bad news
for the older people as well.

Señor Chang is no longer with us.

Um. He's not faking his death again, is he?
Because I can't handle that.

First, he's alive. Then we're happy.
And then he's alive again and...

I received an anonymous tip

that Chang had misrepresented
certain aspects of his qualifications.

For instance, having them.

Word of advice, if an Asian man
says he's a Spanish teacher,

it's not racist to ask for proof,
okay?

You ignore your mother's voice
and get right into that horse's mouth.

So if Chang's a fraud,
what about our grades?

Are they invalid?
Oh, no, no, no.

That's not fair to you guys.

I'm sure you've all worked
very hard and learned.

So just take your final
with Chang's replacement.

Doctor.

Sí.
Buenos días.

Sí.

Listen to this back and forth.

It's like I'm at an embassy.

What's on the final?

I know it's in Spanish,
dummy. What chapters?

All three or?

Veinte.
Oh, I know that one.

She wants a large coffee.
Oh. She's thinking.

Okay, in English.

You will be taking a standard exam
for students at your level.

It will cover this entire textbook.

El crappo.

I couldn't understand a word Dr.
Escodera was saying.

And why is she teaching
Spanish if she's a doctor?

Go cure something.

I gotta pass that exam or my entire
four-year plan will be thrown off.

That might be your car, Jeff.
What?

My route for the 4th of July,
fireworks set off the car alarms.

That one sounded like a new Lexus.
My Lexus isn't brand-new.

I know. Yours is a 2002.

That's the year I heard it.

Hey.

You two-faced jag.

You're wearing protective
goggles to destroy my car?

Safety first.
Stop.

I ask you for help
and you turn me in?

What? I did not.
Why would I screw myself?

What am I, Dr. Drew?

I didn't do it, okay?

Then tell me who did it
so I can murder your face.

Hey, break it up.

Oh. Oh, oh. We're writing a song.
For the battle of bands.

Good luck passing
your exam, Winger.

At one point,
I was teaching you Klingon.

Yeah? Why don't you tell that to your
really weird-sounding magical chair.

I have a condition.

I'm peeing. I'm peeing. I'm peeing.

Impressive.

I dismantled that valve
and I put out that free cake

because I wanted to see
what you could do.

You got a gift, kid.
You know that, right?

A gift for sinks.

Big deal.

I'm a student. I like learning.

Yeah, right. Learning.

Learn everything.

Learn until you're dead.

Or you can call this number.

Now, that's a company
that fixes toilets and sinks.

Oh, man.
Listen to me.

Toilets and sinks, real things,

things that people always use
and always need to get fixed.

This is a life, kid, a real one.

Doing something that matters,
something that makes sense.

The only thing that
makes sense is this.

Learning, thoughts.

So I can think,
and get a student loan,

and grind my own coffee,
and understand HBO.

You don't have to do that, kid.
You're special.

You could be a plumber.

You could be a plumber.

Hey.
Hi.

Okay, so we know
three kinds of verbs,

which took 40 minutes.

At this rate, if we don't sleep or pee, we
can cover about 10 percent of the exam.

If it's multiple choice,
25 percent of guesses will be right.

Actually, that's a lot of right answers
when you're guessing almost everything.

I don't wanna sound like a defeatist,
but we're defeated.

Oh, come on, Jeff.

Face it.
Why even take the exam?

We're all gonna be
retaking Spanish this fall.

What was that?
What was what?

I don't know. I said retake
Spanish and everyone went, "Ugh."

And you went, "Hmm."

It's one of those recessive genes.

I can also curl my tongue.
Who else?

Annie ratted out Chang.
What?

You made this happen because you're obsessed
with all of us being together next year.

I wouldn't say I was obsessed.

Permission to treat witness hostile?
I'll allow it.

Did you record
yesterday's Spanish class?

I don't think so.
Abed?

You said you record all your classes.
Pierce called it a spoiler alert.

You heard Chang tell me
he was bogus.

And then dropped the dime

because you would do anything
to keep this group together,

because you are insecure.

Because you didn't get hot
until after high school.

That's true.

Fine. I did it.

For real, Annie?
Oh, Annie.

Make her a dude so I can punch her.
Go ahead and hate me.

We were all gonna drift apart.
You were all too cool to do anything.

Maybe not too cool, maybe just,
you know, not psycho enough.

Yeah, a little crazy.
A little psycho.

Now she is going to make
the Disney face.

Her lip is gonna quiver

and her eyes will flutter, but
they won't ever actually close.

But do not feel sorry for her.

She stole a year of our lives,
and we're right to be pissed.

Oh, Annie.

No. No.

Everyone close their eyes.
Do it.

Close them. Abed, close.

Oh, don't worry about me.
I can only connect with people through movies.

She's the Ark of the Covenant.

You guys, I'm sorry.

I only did it
so that we could stay friends.

Picture her as Paul Giamatti.

I mean, he's... Heh.

Friends don't do what you did to us.

Did the sisterhood of the traveling
pants poison each other's food

so they were too sick to leave?
No.

I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure
they mailed each other pants.

I said I was sorry.

Who cares if you're sorry?
We're still screwed.

Be sorry about this stuff
before you do it.

Then don't do it.

It's called growing up.

We were gonna see each other
all the time.

Yeah, that's what
my rehab group used to say.

The only one that keeps in touch is the guy
that sells jewelry made out of bottle caps.

I had hoped that this group would
amount to more than passing hellos

and whatever the hell this is.

Nobody even think
about going after her.

That's what she wants,
more personal drama

so we fail the exam
and stay in Spanish forever.

We have to beat her.

Don't text her. Don't call her.
Don't mention her.

We do not need her to study.

Does anybody know how to study?

Annie usually...
Whose side are you on?

Happy finals week, Greendale.

Continuing
our stress-reducing nature sounds,

that's cut five
from Sounds of the Serengeti.

Here's a B-side from that album,
"Antelope Slaughter at Ndutu."

Oh, God.
Did we miss the exam?

No, it starts in 40 minutes.

I can't wake up Pierce.
Is this gonna take an unexpected turn?

You have to know how to do it.
Discrimination lawsuit.

Preposterous.

Should we call Annie?
Absolutely not.

Keep your eyes on the prize
and let her grow up.

I'll see you all at the exam.

Wait for me, Britta.

I was with you in the bathroom.
You're with me everywhere.

Troy, I know you could be a plumber.
I'm not gonna be, okay?

I'm gonna be sophisticated
and have no job,

or a job that looks from a distance
like I do nothing.

Troy, you know what
the best part of my day is?

Ten seconds from the time I sit in
Spanish to the time I look at your desk.

Because I think maybe I'll
look and he won't be there.

Between our studying for 12 hours,
and Pierce being asleep for 11,

I think we may actually
stand a chance.

My horoscope
predicted suffering.

No, no, that's good.
Horoscopes are the devil trying to trick us.

Mm-hm.
Oh.

Yeah. That make you happy?
Why aren't you at your desk?

Because I don't wanna sit near you
because you're a bad friend.

He said the best part of his day
is when he thinks I won't be there.

Abed, what a terrible thing to say.
It's from a movie.

Then the movie it's from
is terrible.

Where's Annie?

Oh, I sent her a text,
but she hasn't responded yet.

Shirley, what did I tell you?
Don't play into her ploy for attention.

What does it say?

She says she's fine
and this isn't a ploy for attention.

She's sorry. She does need to grow up,
starting by making things right with Chang.

Oh, no.

What?
He'll kill her.

Who cares about a stupid exam?

We're a study group.

And Annie's our friend.

I'm friends with Hannah too.

The whole class is.

And you can't have
an exam without a class.

Right, guys?

We love Hannah.

We love Hannah.

We love Hannah.
We love Hannah.

No!

No!

Oh, no.
The devil told the truth.

Okay.
Whoa.

Winger, what the hell?
What was that screaming?

I was showing Annie
the magic of electronic sampling.

We thought
you were murdering her.

Annie getting me fired was the best
thing that ever happened to me.

She's helping me
re-plan my life.

She's got a real mind
for stuff like this.

We're gonna find Ben a job so he
can stay at Greendale as a student

and work on his teaching degree.
And music classes, you know?

Maybe get the band back together,
huh?

Oh. Listen to that.

Yeah. Music lessons
would be great for you.

Oh, thanks, Britta.

Now, go pass that test.
Heh, heh, heh.

Well, it was kind of easy, right?

Yeah, I think I might have passed.

Jeff, I can never forgive myself
for what I did.

Look, I treated you like
a child for having feelings.

Maybe because that's, you know,
when I stopped having them.

But you shouldn't.

You don't have to be a kid
to admit that you like people.

And you don't have to dress
like this to grow up.

You look like a travel agent.

You don't like it?

I was going
for more of a professor thing.

What? Why?

What?
Nothing.

I think I got half of it, which
got me through the half I didn't.

Like the first season of The Wire.
Exactly the...

Ah, hell, I can't stay mad at you.

I think I nailed it.
Oh, me too.

I'm feeling pretty confident.
I think we're gonna make it.

Still, we should plan
for the worst-case scenario.

Because if we do all pass,

that means next year,
we won't have a class together.

So we're gonna need a backup.

Anthropology? Anthropology?
Anthropology?

Anthropology?
Heh, heh, heh.

Anthropology.
Anthropology.

I want you to be in my next film.

"Barnes, Troy: 68."

Bennett, Shirley: 81.

Edison, Annie: 95.

Hawthorne, Pierce: 70.

Nadir, Abed: 85.

Perry, Britta: 79.

"Winger, Jeff..."

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I'm sorry for the
half-hearted mislead, 80.

We all pass Spanish.
That's nice.

Not to take anything away
from anyone,

but didn't the test seem
extra easy?

I don't know.
Uh-uh.

Hey, thanks for making it easy.

I was going to say the same to you,
but you were gone before breakfast.

I'm an early riser.

I'll say.